Perhaps no other teaching of the Catholic Church is more misunderstood than its take on human sexuality. That misunderstanding is often rooted in the way people understand the meaning and purpose of human sexuality, says Dr. Greg Popcak, director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute.
Popular culture usually frames sexual relationships in terms of eroticism, in which the sex act is isolated from the rest of the participants’ humanity and experience. The Church, by contrast, advocates a holistic sexuality—what Dr. Popcak calls “holy sex”—in which sex fits into the bigger picture of what it means to be human.
In his book Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving, Popcak explains that while both types of sexuality may bring pleasure, their deeper impact on individuals and relationships is profoundly different.
In a talk based on the book, Dr. Popcak outlined seven key differences that reveal the beauty and depth of God’s plan for love.
1. Holy Sex Makes Us Whole
Holy sex and eroticism may both feel good, but the quality of pleasure they offer is fundamentally different. Holy sex is like experiencing a breathtaking sunrise or a moving symphony that fills you with awe and leaves you feeling more whole.
Eroticism, by contrast, is like the allure of Las Vegas lights: a flash of excitement that ultimately leaves you poorer when it is over. Holy sex offers joy that enriches the entire person—body, mind, and soul.
2. Holy Sex is Fueled by Intimacy
While eroticism is fueled by arousal, holy sex is fueled by intimacy—that sense of deep connection and closeness that comes from a good, healthy relationship.
“Intimacy makes me feel like no matter how tired I am, no matter what’s going on in my day, I want to be in the arms of my friend, my best friend,” Dr. Popcak says, “and the more I know my wife, the more I want to be with her.”
3. Holy Sex Creates Intimacy and Healthy Vulnerability
The third difference is that holy sex causes intimacy and healthy vulnerability, Dr. Popcak says, while eroticism causes shame and suspicion.
Holy sex creates a safe space for vulnerability, fostering trust and openness. It encourages couples to embrace each other as whole persons. In contrast, eroticism is more about using another person’s sexuality for your own pleasure. That experience of being used can lead to feelings of shame and resentment.
“The opposite of love is not hate, but use,” he says. When someone feels used rather than loved, they may emotionally withdraw to protect themselves.
On the other hand, “if I’m loving my wife, and we are experiencing holy sex, we become more complete and whole persons because of the experience,” Dr. Popcak says. “We want to open up to each other more, we want to experience each other more, we want to understand each other better.”
4. Holy Sex Unites Two as One
The fourth difference between holy sex and eroticism is that holy sex tends to bring two people closer together, while eroticism tends to alienate them.
Holy sex bonds couples deeply, even rewiring their brains to see each other as integral parts of themselves. This unity strengthens marriages and helps couples navigate life’s challenges together.
“When we’re with one person, that person becomes more and more a part of ourselves,” Dr. Popcak says, and “we start in our brain to see the other person as part of ourselves.”
When we break up with a sexual partner, that rupture actually lights up the pain centers in the brain. In fact, research shows that as the number of premarital sexual partners increases, the difficulty of maintaining a stable marriage decreases.
5. Holy Sex Is Generous
“Holy sex allows us to celebrate a love so powerful that, as Scott Hahn puts it, in nine months it has to be given its own name,” Dr. Popcak says.
Holy sex reflects God’s own creative, generous love. It is holistic, connecting sex with its wider biological and social context.
Eroticism, however, isolates the physical act of love from its deeper meaning and potential.
“Eroticism is terrified of children,” Dr. Popcak says. “It says, I don’t want that fertility part of you. I just want the parts of you that make me feel good.”
This doesn’t mean that sex is only holy when it leads to children, but it’s about openness to the life (literal or figurative) that true intimacy brings.
6. Holy Sex Leads to Flourishing
While holy sex contributes to physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, eroticism tends to cause physical, emotional, and spiritual harm.
“People were made to be loved, and if we’re loved, we flourish. And if we’re used, we break down,” Dr. Popcak says. A large body of research has long shown that in a healthy marriage, people tend to show higher levels of physical and psychological health.
Eroticism, on the other hand, causes about 19 million new STD infections per year in the U.S. alone, costing about $4.1 billion annually to our health care system.
7. Holy Sex Supports Enduring Relationships
Finally, holy sex becomes more vital and passionate with time, while eroticism fades and dies with time. Holy sex supports enduring, satisfying relationships.
It all goes back to intimacy, Dr. Popcak says: “The more I know you, the more I want to know you. The more I love you, the more I want to love you. The more I want to please you. Our experience of lovemaking is rooted in intimacy and friendship and partnership, not in creating a drama, not in things.”
Discovering the Beauty of Holy Sex
In the end, holy sex is about participating in the deeper reality of God’s love. It’s about a holistic approach to sex in which it is not isolated from the full breadth of the human experience.
“It’s not depressing, it’s not repressive, it’s not boring, it’s amazing,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s the most incredible experience, and it’s what God wants all of us to have, and it’s what the Church talks about when she talks about sex.”
For more insights and practical guidance, explore Dr. Greg Popcak’s Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving. By embracing God’s plan, couples can discover a love that is not only deeply fulfilling but also life-giving in every sense of the word.
