Assertive Isn’t Selfish: A Catholic Guide to Healthy Love

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By Dr. Gregory Popcak

The Theology of the Body reminds us that Christian love is not meant to be one-sided. While we are certainly called to be generous, sacrificial, and attentive to the needs of others, we are not called to ignore or suppress our own needs. In fact, St. John Paul II taught that the key to healthy, holy Christian relationships is “mutual self-giving.” Love flourishes when everyone involved is committed to giving what they can for the good of the other—and to receiving that love in return.

One of the biggest misunderstandings Christians struggle with is the idea that acknowledging our needs—much less asserting them–is somehow contrary to living an authentic Christian life. But TOB teaches us something very different. God is the author of our needs. A need is not just something required to survive; it is anything necessary for us to flourish as the persons God created us to be. Emotional connection, respect, rest, affection, support, and meaning are not luxuries—they are part of God’s design for human life.

When our legitimate needs are met, we thrive. And when we thrive, God is glorified in our flourishing. This means it is not only appropriate but healthy to expect that the people who say they love us will be responsive to our needs, just as we strive to be responsive to theirs. Mutual responsiveness is not selfishness; it is the very structure of love.
This is where the distinction between assertiveness and selfishness becomes essential. A selfish person is focused exclusively on themselves. They want what they want, how they want it, and when they want it, with little concern for how that affects others. Christian assertiveness looks very different. A responsible, assertive Christian is clear and honest about what they need, but also remains flexible and respectful about how and when that need is met. The goal is not control; it is communion.

TOB reminds us that we were created for intimate communion with God and with one another. Intimacy cannot exist where needs are hidden, denied, or dismissed. True closeness grows when we are able to say, “This is what I need,” and when the other person can respond with generosity and care. Likewise, love deepens when we are willing to hear the needs of others without becoming defensive or dismissive.

Of course, expressing needs does not guarantee they will always be met perfectly or immediately. But consistently silencing ourselves out of fear, guilt, or a mistaken sense of holiness leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional distance. That kind of self-erasure does not reflect Christ. Jesus gave Himself completely—but He also rested, withdrew to pray, asked for support, and allowed others to minister to Him. Mutual self-gift always includes mutual care.

Healthy Christian relationships are not about keeping score or demanding perfection. They are about a shared commitment to help one another become more fully alive. When we learn to express our needs clearly and charitably, listen to the needs of others with compassion, and work together to find solutions that respect everyone involved, we begin to experience the kind of love God intended from the beginning.

In that kind of relationship, no one disappears. Everyone is seen. Everyone is invited to give—and to receive. And in that mutual self-giving, the love of God becomes visible in the world.

If you would like support it making this change in your life or relationships, reach out for personal support from our pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Meeting Your Needs AND Your Wants–A Godly Guide to Personal Fulfillment

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“That’s not a need!  That’s a want!”

How often have you heard this?  How often have you said it?

We throw the words “need” and “want”around but do we really know what they mean?  Somehow, by labeling something a “want” many people–parents and spouses in particular–feel that they have a right to deny someone something.  Or, if we think something is a want and not a need, then we will often feel guilty even having it much less expressing it.

What is a need?  What is  a want.

Needs Defined:

A need refers to anything that sustains my overall well-being and fosters the full development of my physical, psychological, spiritual, or relational health.  In Populorum Progressio (On the Development of Peoples), Pope Paul VI argued that all individuals have a God-given right to receive everything they need to develop fully as persons.  As St. Irenaeus put it, “The glory of God is man fully alive.”  In fact, as I argue in Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart, properly understood, all our needs and our wants ultimately point us back to God.

Now, that said, no one has an unlimited, completely unfettered right to meet their needs however they want whenever they want regardless of how it affects everyone else.

Which brings us to wants.

Wants Defined:

A want represents the way we would prefer to meet a need.  If a need is the “what” we want, a want represents the “how” and “when” I wish I could get what I want.

A want is not a lesser need that may be ignored.  A want is a legitimate, though sometimes flawed,  attempt to express and meet a need.  Wants can be flawed in two ways.  First, they might not actually meet the need they represent.  For instance if I need more peace in my life, but I express that as “I want a divorce” the want (divorce) may actually–depending on the circumstances–actually make it harder to meet my need (greater peace in my life).

A second way a want could be flawed is if it prevents the people in my life from getting their needs met.  The Church teaches that each person has a God-given right to meet every single one of their needs.  We all have a divine right to receive everything we need to sustain and see to the full development of our physical, psychological, spiritual, and relational well-being BUT we also have an obligation to meet those needs in a manner that respects other people’s right to do the same.

If what I say I want could potentially conflict with meeting my needs or cause me to jeopardize someone else’s ability to meet their needs, that doesn’t mean I lose and don’t get to have my need met.  It means I have to identify the true need and explore alternative ways to meet it.

Step 1: Identifying the Need Behind the Want

If something you want seems somehow ridiculous, or impossible, don’t dismiss it.  Ask yourself instead, “How do I imagine I would benefit if I got that?”  The answer to this question is your true need.  The thing you are really trying to address by expressing the original want.  Here are few, silly, for instances just to illustrate how the process works.

“I want a T.V. in every room of my house!”
“Well, how do I imagine I’d benefit if I had a TV in every house?”
“As silly as it sounds, I’d really like to have the noise to distract myself from all the things I worry about constantly.”
NEED:   Inner-peace.  Obviously a TV in every room won’t fulfill that need so that want is flawed, but just ignoring the want would not make the need for inner peace go away.

“I want to win the lottery and win 60 million dollars”
“And how do I imagine I’d benefit if I had all that money?”
“I’d finally be able to stop worrying about paying all my bills.”
NEED:  A budget and/or a more effective financial plan.  Simply dismissing the lottery wish as a pipe dream (which it is) doesn’t identify or address the underlying need which will still demand to be met after we’ve been disabused of the fantasy of limitless wealth.

So, step one, when you have a want that is hard to fulfill, is to not dismiss it take it seriously, and imagine the benefit you would hope to achieve by pursuing that silly, selfish, or conflicted want. If you get stuck, again, don’t dismiss the want.  Bring it before God.  Tell him that you know that what you want is probably very practical, but ask him to help you identify the need that want is attempting to express and teach you to meet it in godly ways.

Step 2: Brainstorm alternatives

Now that you’ve identified the need, it’s time to brainstorm alternative ways to meet it.  To use our examples above, how might you learn new tools to silence the inner-worrier?  Prayer?  A more effective plan for getting it all under control.  Some time to reflect on past times you’ve successfully managed a mountain of responsibilities with God’s grace?  Alternatively, maybe it’s time to get some new tools or professional help?

Same with the need for a better budget or financial plan.  Can I make a better budget?  Do I need to talk with a financial planner? Or at least read some new books on budgeting and money management to get some good ideas?  Maybe I don’t feel that I want to, but to address the need for peace expressed by my desire to just ignore it all, maybe it’s just time to bite the bullet.

The point is, it does little good to dismiss a concern on the grounds that it is “just a want.”  There really is no such thing.  Every want is an attempt–albeit often flawed–to meet a deeper need that will most likely rebel against me or the people who love me if I ignore it or allow it to be ignored for too long.

Embrace both your needs and your wants.  Don’t dismiss them, but do reflect on them.  Bring them to God. And get whatever help you need to brainstorm a plan for identifying healthy, alternative ways to meet the needs behind even your silly wants.  It might turn out that they weren’t so silly after all.

For more information on how to meet your needs, especially when they seem to be in conflict with other people or other needs, check out Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart. or contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Tele-Counseling Practice to learn about how a faithful counselor can help you do a better job of getting your needs met in your marriage, family, or personal life.