Miscarriage not only affects the parents but also the whole family. Bruce and Jeannie Hannemann, Founders of Elizabeth Ministry International, provide practical ways to incorporate and comfort the entire family in grieving for the deceased child.
Can A Bad Marriage Kill You? Study Says, “Yes, and A Good Marriage May Heal.”
The affairs of the heart may actually affect the affairs of the heart in ways previously not understood.”Growing evidence suggests that the quality and patterns of one’s social relationships may be linked with a variety of health outcomes, including heart disease,” says Thomas Kamarck, professor of psychology and Biological and Health Program Chair in the University of Pittsburgh Kenneth P. Dietrich School of Arts and Sciences. He is an author of a new study that correlates unhappy marital interaction with thicker carotid arteries and a higher risk of cardiovascular disease.
“The contribution of this study is in showing that these sorts of links may be observed even during the earliest stages of plaque development [in the carotid artery],” Kamarck continues, “and that these observations may be rooted not just in the way that we evaluate our relationships in general but in the quality of specific social interactions with our partners as they unfold during our daily lives.”
Nataria Joseph, who recently completed a postdoctoral fellowship under Kamarck, is the lead author of the paper, published this month in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine. Given the size of the effect in the study and the relationship between carotid artery plaque and disease, Joseph’s findings, made at Pitt, indicate that those with marital interactions light on the positive may have an 8.5 percent greater risk of suffering heart attack or stroke than those with a surfeit of good feelings. MORE
Relationship & Health: Science the Theology Agree
More and more, research is showing that the quality of our relationships has tremendous impact on our physical and emotional health. I think this is another area where there is increasing agreement between psychology and theology. For instance, Dr. Dan Siegel– a founder of the developing field of Interpersonal Neurobiology which looks at how relationships affect health and neurological functioning–argues that it is foolish to think of an individual as apart from his relationships. He argues that, in a sense, there is a flow of energy within the relationships between people that interacts with and impacts the functioning of the mind and body of each individual in the relationship on an atomic level. The effects of this interaction can be observed–if not the process itself–in the way different relational and environmental states have been shown to impact gene expression and the development of new neural connections throughout the brain and nervous system. When I read his work, I am often reminded of Pope St. John Paul the Great’s argument in his Theology of the Body that just as the Trinity is a communion of three distinct but united persons, the human beings made in the image and likeness of that Communion are also, at their most basic level, best understood to be inseparable from the communion of persons in which they participate.
The Takeaway
I realize that’s all rather thick language and if I lost you, it doesn’t really matter because the larger point is still clear enough. Namely, that the well-being of each human person is intimately tied to the quality of his or her relationship with others and that is exactly as God intended it to be.
The takeaway is that taking care of your relationships may be just as important as diet and exercise for longevity and health. Even if you don’t feel like working on your marriage for the sake of your partner, for instance, you may want to work on it out of a commitment to your own well-being because avoiding the work isn’t punishing your partner as much as it may be punishing yourself. If you fail to do the work that your intimate relationships require, you may literally be breaking your own heart.
To learn more about how you can create life-giving love in your marriage, check out the resources we offer at the Pastoral Solutions Institute including our various titles on marriage and our Catholic tele-counseling practice. Do it for your marriage. Do it for your health.
Kids with Strong Bonds to Parents Have Better Relationships with Peers & Are More Adaptable
From Science Daily-Mind/Brain News.
What social skills does a three-year-old bring to interactions with a new peer partner? If he has strong bonds to his parents, the child is likely to be a positive, responsive playmate, and he’ll be able to adapt to a difficult peer by asserting his needs, according to a new University of Illinois study published in Developmental Psychology.
“Securely attached children are more responsive to suggestions or requests made by a new peer partner. A child who has experienced a secure attachment relationship with caregivers is likely to come into a new peer relationship with positive expectations,” said Nancy McElwain, a U of I professor of human development.
In the study, the researchers assessed the security of child-mother attachment relationships for 114 children at 33 months, and parents reported on their child’s temperament, including anger proneness and social fearfulness. At 39 months, children of the same gender were randomly paired with one another and observed over three laboratory visits in a one-month period.
Securely attached kids were more responsive to a new peer partner the first time they met, even if the new child was prone to anger. Kids with secure attachments continued to respond favorably on the second and third visits when the peer partner’s anger was low — but not when the other child’s anger was high, the researcher said.
When a child is paired with a peer who is quick to become frustrated or angry, the positive social expectations of a child with a secure attachment are likely not met. The securely attached child may then adapt to the situation and dampen his responsiveness to the challenging partner, McElwain said.
“A more securely attached child was also likely to use suggestions and requests rather than commands and intrusive behavior (such as grabbing toys away) during play with an anger-prone peer during the first two visits. By the final visit, a child with a secure attachment had adjusted to the controlling assertiveness of her anger-prone partner by becoming more controlling herself,” she said.
The study showed that a child’s level of attachment security, their partner’s tendency to become angry, and how well the children knew each other (earlier vs. later visits) combined to predict a child’s behavior.
“Behavior toward a peer partner depended on the partner’s temperament as much as the child’s own attachment. Consideration of both factors in combination is needed to understand a child’s behavior toward a new peer,” McElwain said.
The child’s own temperament also played a role in understanding her behavior toward new peer partners. Children whose parents described them as socially fearful were less assertive overall, she noted.
“But don’t confuse a difficult temperament with an insecure attachment. You may have a fussy infant, but if you respond to him sensitively, he will develop a strong bond with his parents and will likely go on to enjoy positive, close relationships with others,” she said.
Parents often worry that if kids spend too much time with adults, they won’t be properly socialized. This study really shows that having a strong parental bond is the best way to socialize children. When children are well-attached, they tend to assume the best of others and so are more agreeable to begin with. When they interact with a disagreeable person, rather than giving up in frustration, their relational optimism challenges them to seek solutions.
If you’d like to learn how to raise kids who are capable of having a great relationship with both you and their peers, check out the bonding tips we offer in Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.
Putting Faith to Work Linked to Job Satisfaction.
(H/T PsychCentral)
Regular attendance in a church that stresses faith as a component of work is associated with high job satisfaction and employment commitment.
Baylor University sociologists discovered the influence depends in part on how involved that person is in the congregation, not merely on occasional attendance.
“We already knew that about 60 percent of American adults are affiliated with congregations, but we wanted to delve into whether that carries over from weekend worship services to the work day,” said Jerry Z. Park, Ph.D.
“It turns out it does make some difference in their attitudes at work. That means it has a potential ‘payoff’ not only for employers, but for employees themselves.”
Researchers asked a random sample of full-time employees if they attended a place of worship, and if so, they were then asked whether their congregation emphasized integrating their faith in the workplace through “sacrificial love” to their co-workers, sensing God’s presence at work among others.
What seemed to make the difference, researchers found, was frequent attendance at a church that stressed a merging of faith and work. Simply being at such a congregation — or just attending any church — did not result in greater work satisfaction or dedication.
The study is published in the journal Sociology of Religion.
Researchers’ analysis was based on the National Survey of Work, Entrepreneurship, and Religion, a 2010 Web-based survey of 1,022 fulltime workers. Their findings concentrated on three areas:
- Job satisfaction: Full-time workers who regularly attend a congregation that emphasizes integrating their faith at work report higher job satisfaction;
- Job commitment: Full-time workers who regularly attend a congregation that emphasizes integrating their faith at work report higher commitment to their place of employment;
- Entrepreneurship: People who are actively involved in in congregations that promote integration of faith with work are more likely to describe themselves as entrepreneurial, Park said.
However, attendance seems to impede entrepreneurship — perhaps because time and energy spent in entrepreneurial endeavors leaves less time for church attendance.
“How religion affects job satisfaction, commitment to one’s job and entrepreneurship was measured by researchers using a 15-item Congregational Faith at Work Scale,” Park said.
That scale includes such items as whether respondents
- sense God’s presence while they work;
- view their work as having eternal significance;
- view co-workers as being made in the image of God;
- believe they should demonstrate “sacrificial love” toward co-workers, and;
- believe God wants them to develop their abilities and talents at work.
Workplace attitudes such as job commitment also were evaluated by a variety of items that asked how much participants felt like “part of the family” at their organization, how efficiently they get proposed actions through “bureaucratic red tape” and whether they “went to bat” for good ideas of co-workers.
Max Weber, an early social theorist, argued that Protestants who lived strict, simple lives — such as the Calvinists of the 16th and 17th centuries — viewed their worldly employment as service to God, so religion added significance to labor. Success in business was viewed as confirmation of salvation.
“Religious participation is an active part of life for millions of Americans, and it is relevant in other domains,” the study concluded.
Source: Baylor University
Financial Fear
By: Kevin Lowry
What a roller coaster ride. The market was up today. Or was that yesterday? It was down the day before that. Way down. Tomorrow, who knows? The financial news these days is fraught with anxiety. Upheaval in the markets. Political gridlock. Rancorous debate. Particularly when it comes to money, the uncertainty surrounding the future can be disconcerting, even paralyzing. A friend of mine sends me alarmist emails from various groups, peddling gold or other “safe” investments. In times of fear, there’s money to be made. For many people who lived through 2008, there is also a new, strong, and visceral response to volatility. With the advent of defined contribution retirement plans, people who have spent years saving in their 401k plans saw their accounts rocked hard that year. I don’t even want to recall how dramatically my savings got hit. Worse, I have friends who refused to look at their account statements for years. Many who thought they were close to retirement weren’t anymore. In the face of radical financial uncertainty, as Catholics, how should we respond? I don’t pretend to know what the future holds. Yet there are a couple principles we can hold onto in the midst of even the most extreme uncertainty: faith and prudence.
Faith
How many times are we told in Scripture to “be not afraid?” We know that we can’t serve both God and money (Matthew 6:24). If our faith in money transcends our faith in God, look out. 1 Timothy 6:17-19 provides outstanding guidance. Let’s assume for the moment that most of us can be regarded as “rich” by historical standards.
Tell the rich in the present age not to be proud and not to rely on so uncertain a thing as wealth but rather on God, who richly provides us with all things for our enjoyment. Tell them to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous, ready to share, thus accumulating as treasure a good foundation for the future, so as to win the life that is true life.
So even when our financial lives hang in the balance, we know God remains in control. The markets, they say, are motivated by fear and greed. Our motivation must be far different: we’re called to act out of love, for God and others. Therefore, even if we are directly impacted when the market takes a dive, it can be a spiritual opportunity. Read the verses above again, slowly.
We Catholics have the ability to rise above financial fear and anxiety to the extent we place our faith in the Lord. This doesn’t mean that swings in the market don’t matter or don’t affect us, it means that our hope rests upon a solid foundation that is more important and enduring than money. In the end, we are stewards of wealth for the glory of God and the service of others.
Prudence
The next principle is that of prudence. Our financial lives vary widely, and our decisions must be determined according to our individual circumstances. However, prudence is the right path especially when things get crazy. Consider the following scenarios:
Scenario: A friend of mine lost a substantial percentage of his retirement plan during the recent market turbulence, and panicked. He ended up making decisions to modify his investment portfolio and reduce market risk at exactly the wrong time. When the market improved, he lost out on upside potential. Unfortunately, he was in very good company, many individual investors did the same thing.
Prudent move: financial planning is sort of like disaster planning — it’s much better to be prepared before the disaster happens. Using a disciplined approach according to your age and state in life over the course of time is prudent, and generally yields better results. If you need a financial advisor, seek out a faithful and qualified individual, beginning locally at your parish. Then make sure you are purposeful about your goals and the associated risks in your retirement savings portfolio.
Scenario: Another friend has a high level of credit card debt. After taking a financial planning course recently, he lamented that he’s still paying for meals he ate over two years ago. When he lost his job, he ended up losing his house, too.
Prudent move: living beyond your means is always bad, but riskier still in today’s environment. Use every opportunity to reduce debt, build an emergency fund and budget your spending. Make sure your spending priorities are in line with your financial priorities — beginning with your tithe.
Scenario: I know one individual who is so scared about his financial predicament that he is immobilized with fear. Rather than putting together a plan, he has given up and spends in an attempt to make himself feel better. So far, it hasn’t worked!
Prudent move: if you’re in trouble, a plan and small steps towards written goals help provide hope. Most important, pray and have the humility to get help if you need it. The Lord can use even adverse circumstances for our benefit, and his glory.
Recall the parable of the rich fool Jesus relates in Luke 12:20-21. “You fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for himself but is not rich in what matters to God.” By exercising faith and prudence during these turbulent times, not only will we opt out of the emotional roller coaster and avoid the plight of the rich fool, we stand to gain eternal wealth beyond our wildest dreams. Talk about maximizing returns! Do you know any examples of people who have done well exercising faith and prudence in their financial lives? Note: For those interested in learning more about finances from a Catholic perspective, I like Phil Lenahan’s “7 Steps to Becoming Financially Free.” My wife and I are leading a study at our local parish this fall using the program.
Followership
By: Kevin Lowry
Leadership. We hear the word everywhere these days. It seems like every time we turn around, another seminar, book or webcast is promising to help us become better leaders. Leadership development opportunities abound, and for good reason. By learning the principles and examples of great leaders, we internalize important virtues and increase our positive influence on others. Leadership is important. In fact, the leadership of Pope John Paul II is one of the reasons I became Catholic. I have studied the topic for years, even to the point where my MBA program concentration was “Applied Leadership” (whatever that means). I’m not sure that study actually made me a better leader, but it did help me to appreciate the value of good leadership in our lives and admire those who seem born to lead. So imagine my surprise when my dad sent me a reflection he recently wrote on followership.
With a diverse background as missionary, entrepreneur, academic–and Presbyterian minister converted to the Catholic faith–Dad has long been in leadership roles. Why focus on followership? We have all seen countless examples, thankfully, of great leadership – the ultimate model being that of Jesus himself. His leadership focused on the service of others, hence the birth of “servant leadership.” It’s an approach that focuses leadership efforts on facilitating the success of the followers, for mutual benefit. And yet, when we talk about developing leadership skills, we are often focused on becoming better leaders ourselves. The danger inherent in this approach is that, unlike Jesus, we have a proclivity to selfishness. All too often, we see examples of people striving to become better leaders only to use their leadership positions as means to advance their own careers or agendas. This misses the entire point (and opportunity) of good leadership. So what about followership?
Followership is intrinsically other-centered, as is true leadership. To excel in followership, our task is to facilitate the success of the leader, to the mutual benefit of both leader and followers. Note that both leadership and followership, properly understood, are aimed at helping people to be “good and faithful servants.” So how does this work in practical terms? Here are a couple examples from a context most of us can relate to: the workplace. I have a friend who is a successful attorney. Jim respects his boss’s authority, works like crazy to make her successful, trusts her implicitly, and speaks positively about her even when she’s not around. He uses his gifts to help her succeed, and this is frequently reciprocated.
Another friend, Diane, demonstrates followership in a different context. She works in a nonprofit advocacy group that takes public positions on issues pertinent to its constituents. Diane instinctively defers to her boss even when they hold divergent perspectives. With tact and affirmation, she has learned to ask questions to draw out her boss’s thinking, often resulting in better solutions. Their skill sets are complementary, so, through Diane’s followership, she makes her boss more effective. Why is good followership not practiced widely, and even used as a pejorative? Perhaps it’s our cultural tendency toward narcissism – many of us want to be leaders in all our relationships. When we’re not the leader, we’re quick to pass judgment, often imputing selfishness to their motives. If only we were leading, things would be better!
Yet, in life, we play both roles. Being a good leader is important, but so is being a good follower. The difference is that, while we’re trained extensively on leadership, we don’t pay nearly as much attention to followership – even though we tend to play the role of follower more frequently. All of this may sound like so much navel-gazing, but ideas really matter in our daily lives. We all know the price we pay for poor or misguided leadership. The last century was rife with high-profile examples – Hitler, Stalin and Mao, for starters. Unfortunately, there are also countless examples of bad leadership on a small scale. These negatively affect our governments, organizations and families. Think about the impact corrupt bureaucrats, dishonest executives and neglectful fathers often have on people over whom they have some measure of power.
It’s just as easy to come up with examples of parallel consequences, both large and small, for failures of followership. Consider just one. As we all know, the devil is a master strategist. Over the past few hundred years, his “divide and conquer” approach to Christianity has visibly reduced the influence of the Church around the world. Jesus desired unity for his bride the Church and, through our sinfulness, we have let him down. So here’s a question: what if Martin Luther (whose writings led to the Reformation) had embraced the notion of authentic followership? What if he had reacted differently to the very real abuses going on in the Church at the time (that , striving to preserve the unity of the Mystical Body of Christ and trusting our Lord to bring about good from the situation? Might we have avoided the pain and division of the reformation and its aftershocks, and at the same time effected real and needed change within the Church?
The foundation of good followership is trust – not in our imperfect leaders, but in Jesus himself. “We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). So go ahead and attend that leadership seminar. Read the book. Take in the webinar. Just don’t forget that we also need to work on becoming better followers. When our boss (or our bishop) succeeds, we do too.