By: Kevin Lowry

My oldest son Christian was born with a gift for fixing stuff. Anything, really. So while he lived at home, he was our home improvement guru, plumber, and handyman. Even more important, he inherited the computer gene from my Dad — a gene that completely skipped me. When the wireless network went down, or we experienced various and sundry computer problems, Christian was our go-to guy.  So that’s a good thing, right? Christian contributed to the family’s needs, learned a bunch of valuable skills in the process, and gained some personal satisfaction through having his talents appreciated by the rest of us.

Then he moved out.

After he left, we struggled. Christian received many phone calls, pleading with him to fix the latest computer glitch. His talents shone through with greater intensity than ever as we recognized how integral he had been to our daily lives. Not only did we miss him, we were bereft of our fixit guy.  In the workplace, we often find that the same thing happens when a colleague leaves the organization. Sometimes, we appreciate people most after they leave.  One of the drivers of organizational achievement is simple: effective teamwork. It’s matching shared purpose with diverse talents. Regardless of whether you’re a Fortune 100 global enterprise, or a sole proprietor who outsources certain functions, teams are capable of doing great things. Teams of people. People who like to be appreciated.

So here’s the challenge: next chance you get, express appreciation for someone else on your team. Pay her a sincere compliment, send him a short note of encouragement, buy him a cup of coffee, whatever. Don’t wait until they leave the organization to let them know you appreciate their efforts. This actually accomplishes multiple purposes — it increases employee retention, builds teamwork, and meets the very human needs to belong, and feel valued. A timely compliment can have a powerful impact on our co-workers — and our relationships. From a spiritual perspective, it also recognizes God-given gifts being put to good use, and affirms the individual’s value and dignity as a person.

So how did things with Christian turn out? Well, he became an information technology professional. The family still struggles, but his talents, along with those of his long-time buddy and business partner Michael Aquilina, are responsible for the existence of this web site.

By: Kevin Lowry

My wife got run off the road today.

Some guy was in a big hurry and didn’t like the fact that Kathi had slowed down to merge onto the highway behind a school bus full of children. So he accelerated from behind her car, and drove up beside her, forcing her onto the berm. After almost causing multiple accidents, he weaved his way around further impediments in his road (OK, people in his road) and exited precisely five cars in front of her further down the highway. Unbelievable.  He was so focused on achieving his objective (whatever it was) that he risked untold carnage and mayhem. If things went badly, innocent people, including women and children, could have been hurt.

In thinking about this incident, I was struck by the thought that the same could be true if men develop a disordered dedication to work.  That sounds crazy, right? But how many of us struggle with work-family balance? And how many people do you know who are divorced, at least in part, because of ridiculous work schedules?  Kathi and I have struggled mightily in this area over the years. When we were young parents, I worked like crazy. My schedule at the CPA firm was insane, and our first three kids came along in two years and eight months flat. On top of it all, Kathi had premature labor with our third child, and was on strict bedrest for the last four months of the pregnancy. After our daughter was born, it became apparent that the work-family balance thing wasn’t working, especially as I headed into tax season. That was the first time we hit a wall. I don’t recall her exact words, but Kathi said something like, “It’s either the job or me.”

I chose her, and changed jobs.

Now, I’m crazy about my wife. Always have been. But it probably didn’t feel like it to her. I just wasn’t spending enough time at home to meet my responsibilities as her husband. So I’m glad I chose her. Through her, I also chose our kids.  Fast forward a few years. Once again, I was working like a maniac. We were up to six kids, with Kathi expecting our seventh. But there were medical problems. This time, we weren’t sure the child would make it past birth, and beyond that, the diagnosis was grim. It seemed like life was spinning out of control. Another decision point.

I chose her (and the baby) again, and changed jobs.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The changes we made took time, the process was messy, and we struggled with uncertainty, conflict, and self-doubt. We prayed fervently, discussed possible solutions, and consulted with trusted priests, family members and friends. Changing jobs isn’t always the right answer. But in over twenty years of marriage, with children (now eight of them), a house, a mortgage, and a career that has caused plenty of bumps and bruises, here are a few thoughts on that elusive notion of balance from a male perspective:

1. Put your priorities in order. Here’s my list, for what it’s worth: God, my wife, our children, my career, and everything else. Yes, my wife is more important to me than my kids. Not that they’re unimportant, rather she is super-important. Marriage is a vocation, and a sacrament. The best way to be a true leader in the family is to model virtue, to serve, and to pray like crazy. We need to imitate Christ in our lives. Some days I do better than others, and you probably do too, but we can never give up. Now here’s the challenge: our daily routine needs to reflect our priorities.
2. Only do God’s will. We always have time to do God’s will. If there isn’t enough time in the day, consistently, there are things on our to-do list that shouldn’t be there. Are we spending more time on social media than talking with our spouse? If you’re trying to find things to put aside, ask yourself what you would give up if your wife or child were extremely ill. Don’t wait until it actually happens. By the way, our seventh child David’s story ended pretty well.
3. Work things out with your wife. If you’re called to run for President, you’re going to be putting in lots of hours. Make sure your wife is completely on board. That shared sense of calling is awfully important — it doesn’t make things easier, but if you’re on the same page about what God wants from you as a couple, that shared purpose will help you through the rough spots.
4. Live beneath your means. This is incredibly important. Kathi and I got out of balance early due to our implicit expectations of a certain lifestyle. This led us to take on debt and place a disordered emphasis on outward appearances. It’s a trap, avoid it like the plague.
5. Work like crazy when you’re at work. Don’t indulge in frivolous discussions about sports or workplace intrigue. Get your work done, do your absolute best and go home. Schedule a date with your wife each week, put kids’ events on your calendar, and treat your family as even more important than your most important client or even your boss.
6. Protect your marriage. Guys are visual creatures, so never buy into the “I can look at the menu as long as I eat at home” mentality. Guard your eyes. Maintain emotional distance from women who are not your spouse. Treat them with honor, like you would want other men to treat your wife in the workplace. Speak positively about your own wife. NEVER complain about her, especially to other women.
7. Stop and ask for directions. When you have trouble balancing, ask your wife for her advice — and her prayers. She probably knows you better than anyone else, and might have insight that would help you make things work. Just like we don’t usually stop to ask for directions when we’re lost, we also don’t ask for advice from our wives nearly enough.
8. Love your wife. This sounds trite, but if we treasure our wives properly when we’re at home, there would be a whole lot less consternation when we do need to work extra hours (for short periods of time, not as a lifestyle). Remember why we fell in love. Think about her many good qualities. Pray for her. Offer up small sacrifices for her. Think of what an honor it is to be received, with all our weaknesses, as a husband.
9. Facilitate one on one time. Make sure you set aside time just for your wife, without distractions. Kathi and I used to make time for getaways — perhaps a weekend every three months, and a week at least once a year. I’m talking about just the two of you, without kids. Family vacation is another week, and of course kids need “me and my dad time” too.
10. Don’t bring work home. Speaking of distractions, don’t bring work home with you if at all possible. I’ve not always succeeded here, but it’s important — particularly in this wired age — to turn off the cell phone, back away from the computer, and engage with our families.

This list is certainly not exhaustive. There are lots of ways to improve, and we need to fight this battle every day. With God’s grace, and plenty of determination, it’s also one we can win.  Our family is more important than our career. Let’s do our best to act like it.  Oh — and let’s drive safely too!

By: Kevin Lowry

Have you ever been so focused on achieving your goals that you’ve run people over in the process?  I sure have. In today’s workplaces, it’s more important than ever to meet our goals, and we’re under lots of pressure to be productive and efficient. Unfortunately, this can cause plenty of interpersonal problems, since we all act differently when we’re under pressure.  Here’s one illustration of what not to do. A friend of mine became very unpopular at work by being so focused on achieving her own goals that she treated co-workers as distractions! Unfortunately, this story didn’t end well. She completed her own tasks efficiently, but couldn’t understand why the rest of the team resented her. The situation caused so much turmoil in her department that she ended up leaving the company.

So how do we avoid this pitfall and its various permutations? Particularly for people of faith, how can we achieve legitimate goals — and love one another like Christ loves us?  One of the cool aspects of being Catholic is having so many tremendous role models, past and present. When it comes to achieving goals and valuing people, one of the best examples I can think of is Blessed John Paul II.  Andreas Widmer, a Swiss Guard during the pontificate of John Paul II, wrote an outstanding book entitled The Pope & the CEO in which he describes an astonishing interaction with the Pope. Andreas was a young man at the time, spending his first Christmas away from home. On Christmas Eve, as the Pope went about his duties (achieving goals), he noticed that Andreas was new and immediately recognized Andreas’ sadness. The Pope took just a few seconds to speak with Andreas, precious seconds that Andreas recalls vividly years later. Here’s how Andreas describes the incident in the book:

“That was all I needed. Someone had noticed my pain, someone had cared, and that someone was the Pope himself. In that moment, I felt comforted. Now, looking back, I feel amazed. Here was the leader of a billion Catholics, at the height of some of his fiercest battles, occupied with the most overwhelming and impossible problems of the century, yet he was still sensitive enough to perceive the emotions of a twenty-year-old guard whose sole job was to blend into the background as he passed.”

This story (along with many others in the book) has inspired — and convicted — me ever since the first time I read it. I tend to be… ahem… a little on the preoccupied side, sort of like an absent-minded professor minus the Ph.D. Think about the goals of Blessed John Paul II. They were enormous goals! Can you imagine the impact of someone with such goals taking an interest in you personally? Even for a few seconds?  Yet on a lesser scale, this is what we’re called to do. Achieving goals is important. At the same time, people are the primary goal of our lives. Serving people, honoring people, sometimes just noticing people. And getting our work done! For some of us, the balancing act doesn’t really come naturally. But we need to do our best.

Our work serves legitimate human needs, and by treating others as precious to God, no matter who they are, we honor our Lord. Let’s pray for one another, and do our best today to remember Blessed John Paul II’s example. Let’s take a few precious seconds today as we go about achieving our goals and reflect the love of Christ to someone else. After all, serving people is the goal of our work.

By: Kevin Lowry

“Sorry, I can’t do it tonight. The old ball and chain gets ticked off if I’m out late.”  How many times have we heard derogatory comments like this about spouses in the workplace? Even worse, snide remarks can give way to all-out whining: “My husband is such a jerk sometimes” or “My wife completely lost interest in me after we began having kids.”  Sacramental marriage should be in a different league than this, but we all live in a culture that hasn’t done the greatest job honoring the institution. In reality, we also know that even the strongest sacramental marriages sometimes go through serious challenges.

So what’s a good Catholic spouse to do?

Well, brace yourself for some good news. There are things we can do to honor our spouses in the workplace, and not be swayed by the cultural winds that sometime blow all around us. How about this one: always speak positively about your spouse at work. Why? Here are five reasons — and they just scratch the surface.

1. Complaining about your spouse lacks class. Oh, maybe it’s fashionable to gripe and assume an attitude of superiority over your spouse. But does that make it right, and does it really make you happy? Probably not. Besides, if your spouse is such an idiot, what does that say about you, the person who made sacred vows to him or her?
2. How you speak can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you ever noticed how good spouses make each other winners, and bad spouses make each other losers? Words matter. Speaking with honor is part of acting with honor — even when your spouse isn’t around.
3. It protects your marriage. Even when things are rough at home, airing your grievances at work is the wrong venue. Co-workers who complain about their spouses open up an avenue for support from other co-workers, including those of the opposite sex. This can progress to inappropriate emotional intimacy, and worse.
4. It’s good for your career. Many of the virtues that make for a faithful spouse also make for a great employee or co-worker. Besides, getting in the habit of speaking positively about others (including your spouse) behind their backs helps build a better culture for everyone in your workplace.
5. It’s good for your co–workers. We are affected, for better or worse, by the attitudes and behaviors of our co-workers. Demonstrating charity and understanding towards our spouse might just inspire others to do the same.

We can’t single-handedly change the state of marriage in the world, but we can do our best to honor our own marriage vows — and our spouse. Speaking positively about our spouse in the workplace is a great way to improve our marriage, our workplace, and our walk with Christ.