By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Often, new parents ask me, “If mom is nursing and being the primary care-giver to the baby, what’s dad’s job in all this? How does he get to bond with the baby?”  As your child grows and develops, he or she will be drawing closer and closer to Dad as a matter of course. In the meantime, dads have several contributions you need to make in order for your wife, your marriage, your child and your home to actually flourish instead of merely struggle though.

1. Take the Initiative in Baby Care You Can Do.

It is essential for you to begin developing your relationship with your child from the very first moments of birth. The best way to do this is to be available to meet all the needs of your child that your wife is not biologically equipped to handle better (i.e. feeding). In our home, that usually translates into several duties for me. First, since my wife does all the nursing, I get the diapers. Yes, it’s stinky. But it can be fun too. Having the chance to rub my baby’s feet on my beard, watching the baby giggle and wiggle when I “zerbert” (make a “raspberry” sound against the baby’s skin) her bellybutton, making goo goo faces with my baby and meeting her eyes with mine are all experiences that are worth the price I pay by undergoing thirty seconds of “P.U.!”  Bath time can also be lots of fun for dad and baby. Plus, it gives mom a few moments of much needed rest.

Likewise, it is important for me to spend as much time as my baby will allow me to spend cuddling, “wearing” the baby in a sling, and playing with him or her. Some fathers are content to play with the baby as long as he or she is quiet, but as soon as the child begins to fuss he immediately passes him off to mom. Some moms are just as bad, taking the baby away as soon as the child begins fussing–making the father feel like an incompent boob in the process. It is better to let dads struggle with finding their own ways to comfort baby so that both the child and the father can get used to their rhythms and own, unique music. Of course if the child begins wailing, or it is obvious that he is hungry, mom should be given her shot at comforting the child. But take care not to do this at the expense of the father’s feelings of competence surrounding his ability to bond with his child. Dad’s, I’m going to let you in on a secret. Besides nursing, women don’t know any more about comforting babies than you do. There are no secret “girl meetings” about infant care any more than there are secret “boy meetings” about child care. Your wives learn their baby comforting repertoire the same way you do, through trail and error. And they have to learn a new repertoire which each new baby. Take the time you need to learn your baby’s cues, and develop your own unique ways to fulfill the needs those cues represent. In this way, you will be able to provide exceptional care to your wife and your child; giving the former a much needed break and giving the latter a rewarding experience as he begins to venture out of the world of his mother’s arms, and learn about the world in yours.

Beyond this, I consider it my job to help my wife feel put together every day. Moms who do this kind of “attachment” parenting without the proper support from their husbands can get burned out. They can feel guilty getting a shower or going to the bathroom alone because the baby is crying while they do it. Of course, the creative mom can work around some of this (for example, by playing peek-a-boo with the shower curtain while she is bathing) but nothing takes the place of a present father to help mom maintain some sense of herself and her sanity.  When our children are infants, besides diaper duty, I take advantage of this very special time to cuddle and play with the baby while my wife does what she needs to do to make herself feel somewhat “pulled together.”

2. Take Charge of Your Relationship While Protecting the Bond with Baby.

Your child will be a constant reminder to your wife of her motherhood. You must be an equally devoted reminder to your wife of her youthfulness, attractiveness, intelligence and femininity. Some men try to do this by nagging, “When are you going to spend some time with meeeee?” Or by constantly nagging the wife, saying, “Don’t forget about me! Why don’t you leave the baby with a sitter so we can get some time?”  This never works. It only makes the woman feel like she has even more demands to meet. The only way to successfully solve this problem is for you to be as giving to your wife as she is to your child. First, try to keep in mind that your wife might be feeling somewhat guilty that she can’t be there for you the way she would like to be. Let her know that the most important way she can love you is by being a good mom to your child and in the meantime, you are going to take care of her.  This might seem paradoxical to you. After all, you want more time with your wife not less. The only way to get this is not to demand her attention, but to invite it as a loving response to your loving response. In plain English, when you are stressed, to whom are you more likely to show affection, a person who gives you a “things to do” list or a person who cleans your house, cooks you dinner, buys you a rose and gives you a neck massage? You get my point.

Make it your business to be present to your wife as much as possible. Cut back on some of your commitments. You need to be as available to her as she is to your baby. Your wife may be struggling with feelings of “losing herself” to her motherhood. This is a natural concern, and with time and husbandly support, it will evolve into your wife’s ability to integrate her motherhood with her personhood. For the time being, the best way for you to support her in this is to join her as intimately as you can in the parenting role. It will be difficult for your wife to get through this phase without resenting your baby or you if you are out golfing, playing, socializing, traveling, or even working too much instead of being home to support her and your child. Your presence is the best indicator of the value you place on her motherhood and the worth of your children. For a while, you may need to back off some of your hobbies, and other acquaintances in order to take the time you need to nurture your wife and your marriage through this transition.

I believe it is also important for husbands to increase their capacity for non-sexual expressions of romance during this phase. Some men are used to their wives maintaining the relationship in general, and experience resentment when their children prevent their wives from doing their “job” of nurturing the marriage. Guess what, dads? If you’ve been hanging back, its your turn now. God is giving you the opportunity to practice self-donation by developing all those relationship skills you were able to coast through before because your wife’s efforts were letting you off the hook. You can either accept God’s challenge and reap the rewards of the exceptional intimacy in your marriage that results. Or, you may refuse God’s challenge and devolve into that quiet resentment experienced by so many husbands and wives who say, “It just isn’t the same once you have kids.” Your marriage, your choice. Choose well.  For those dads who are up to the challenge, this is your time to shine. Communicate your love for your bride through all of her senses. Tell her how much you love her, one hundred time a day–even if it seems redundant. She needs to know it and you need to tell her. Stimulate her intellectually (by reading aloud together or conversation or some other creative venue). Many people will be treating your wife as if she has contracted maternal brain rot. She needs to know that you do not agree with those people.

Show her that you love her. Make eye contact with her when she speaks. She needs to know that she is still interesting to you. Look at her when she’s nursing your baby and let her know how beautiful it is to you. She needs to know that you like this new role she has. Write her a love note. Buy her the traditional cards and flowers and seek out other, even more creative ways to show your love for her, all the while–and this can be the tricky part–resisting the evil temptation to imply by your attitude that you expect to be “paid” for your efforts with sex.  Touch her. Often you hear that new and nursing mothers feel “all touched out.” Of course, you will have to get your wife’s feedback on this, but many times I find that new and nursing moms don’t mind being touched unless that touch implies that they must perform sexually in some way. The transition from new, physically sore, breastfeeding mom to seductive vixen is a difficult one that often takes more energy than most new moms feel they have. If she tenses up when you touch her, let her know that you expect nothing from her except to lie back and let you give her a neck, shoulder, whatever, rub. Take care of her and follow her lead. Your gentle, patient and mature response will be rewarded with her own loving response when she feels enabled by your caring for her needs. You may soon find yourself in the enviable position of having a better post-partum love life than a pre-partum one. It is possible with some loving attention on your part.  Don’t hide behind that pseudo-macho excuse that “mushy stuff” isn’t for you. If romance and affection don’t come naturally to you, it is time to learn. I recommend the books, For Better…FOREVER!, Isn’t it Romantic, and Creative Dating for starters. Of course, there are many other titles like this in your local bookstore. Make the investment in your marriage by learning how to give more of yourself.

3. Cheerfully Pick Up Any Slack Around the House

The primary job of a new mother is to nurture her baby. You can hire someone to clean your toilets, and dust your furniture, or better yet, a dad can jump in and do those things himself, but you cannot hire someone else to nurture your baby. Admittedly, you may be able to find someone to supervise your child, change his diapers and make sure he doesn’t stick his tongue in a light socket, but no one will nurture a baby like a new mom.  If your wife has been primarily responsible for maintaining the home, it is time for you to do more than “help” around the house. You will need to learn to be a cheerful partner when it comes to identifying and completing household chores…Dad’s play an essential role both in taking care of baby and taking care of the marriage. The dad who embraces his role is an incredible blessing to his wife and family. For any additional help with your transition into parenthood with your partner, give your PaxCare Tele-Coach a call today. We can provide you with the skills you need to succeed.

By: Gregory Popcak

Parents often contact the me  for help in addressing their children’s anxiety.   Whether phobias, separation anxiety, school related social anxiety or other anxiety related problems of childhood, our first  approach is to work with the parents to teach them to help their children directly.   I and my therapists teach parents techniques to use with their children.   The parents report the results and we teach them the next steps.  We have two reasons for taking that approach.   First, we take seriously the Church’s assertion that parents are their children’s primary educators.   We think that, whenever possible, children should be able to turn to their parents for whatever help they need.   Our role as counselors  should be  to empower parents  not replace them.

Let Yourself Help Them

Second, children, generally speaking find therapy to be stigmatizing.   My whole background is in family therapy.   So many kids come to therapy feeling like their being punished for something or afraid that seeing a counselor means they are “crazy.”   A good therapist can get through this but, I think, the best therapists can avoid it altogether whenever possible.  If the parent-directed approach doesn’t work, sometimes we have to step in and work more directly with the child.   But we find that this is not the norm.  When we initially explain our approach, many parents worry that it won’t work.   That perhaps they aren’t up to what we’re asking them to do.   What if they do it wrong?   We assure them that the vast majority of parents are more than able to help their children—with appropriate support—through most anxiety issues.   Our experience bears this out, but now, parents don’t have to take our word for it. (Note:  Cognitive behavioral therapy [CBT] “is a form of treatment that focuses on examining the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behaviors.” Source: www.NAMI.org)

Children with an anxiety disorder who receive cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) via their parents are three times more likely to recover from their anxiety, compared to children who received no treatment, according to a new study by the University of Reading.

The study, published in the British Journal of Psychiatry, focused on 64 families with children, between the ages of 7 and 12, who suffer from an anxiety disorder.  

For eight weeks, parents were given brief weekly sessions on how to use CBT with their child.

Mental disorders are becoming increasingly common among children, with approximately 20 percent  of children suffering from significant symptoms of anxiety and between 5 percent and 10 percent of children meeting diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder.

Children with anxiety disorders may have problems socializing with their peers, lack confidence in trying new things, and may underachieve at school and risk social exclusion. Childhood anxiety is also known to be a risk for development of future problems, including depression, substance and alcohol abuse, and poorer physical health.

“We studied 194 children who had a variety of diagnoses, including generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, separation anxiety disorder, panic disorder/agoraphobia and specific phobia,” said lead study author Dr. Kerstin Thirlwall.

The researchers found that the children who received cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) via their parents are three times more likely to recover from their anxiety, compared to children who received no treatment.  

Read more here.

Let Us Help You  

For more information on effective parenting and Christian approaches to dealing with anxiety, check out  Parenting with Grace  (see the chapter titled, “Boo!   Dealing with Childhood Fears”)   and  God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!    For further assistance, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today  for more information on working with a faithful, professional, Catholic counselor in getting your child the help he or she needs.

By: PaxCare Staff

Parenting with the  Theology of the Body  in mind means, at least in part, looking for ways to both model and encourage the kind of self-donative generosity (that generosity that comes from serving others with all one’s heart, mind, and bodily strength) that enables family life to feel like the gift it is meant to be.  In order to accomplish this, parents often give kids extra, material, rewards (privileges, stickers, etc.) for making good relationship choices like taking turns and sharing.   As noted in  Parenting with Grace  by Greg and Lisa Popcak, anecdotal evidence suggests that these kinds of rewards can backfire by making kids behave well or make good choices only for rewards.   That is, this approach to parenting takes kids’ focus off of people and relationships and, instead, makes them focus on what they’re going to get out of being good.   That’s why the authors recommend more relationally-based consequences and rewards  (physical affection, genuine praise, family time, etc.) as opposed to material consequences and rewards (star charts, stickers, privileges).   New research further backs up these recommendations:

Getting kids to share their toys is a never-ending battle, and compelling them to do so never seems to help. New research suggests that allowing children to make a choice to sacrifice their own toys in order to share with someone else makes them share more in the future. The new findings are published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.  These experiments, conducted by psychological scientists Nadia Chernyak and Tamar Kushnir of Cornell University, suggest that sharing when given a difficult choice leads children to see themselves in a new, more beneficent light. Perceiving themselves as people who like to share makes them more likely to act in a prosocial manner in the future.  Previous research has shown that this idea–as described by the over-justification effect–explains why rewarding children for sharing can backfire. Children come to perceive themselves as people who don’t like to share since they had to be rewarded for doing so. Because they don’t view themselves as “sharers” they are less likely to share in the future.  Chernyak and Kushnir were interested in finding out whether freely chosen sacrifice might have the opposite effect on kids’ willingness to share.  “Making difficult choices allows children to infer something important about themselves: In making choices that aren’t necessarily easy, children might be able to infer their own prosociality.”  

Read more here.

For more information and healthy relational discipline techniques, check out  Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

By: Gregory Popcak

Jennifer, married to Jim and mother of 4 children under 11, was seeking counseling for feelings of depression and some marital difficulties.   I asked her to describe her family life.

“We’re just so busy.   What with running the kids around to practices and games, and work, and school stuff, we just don’t have time to do anything together.   And as for Jim and I, forget it.   We talk about schedules and that sort of thing, but I can’t remember the last time we got a chance to pray together or have a really good talk.   But my friends are all the same way, at least we’re not alone, I guess.”

There Is No “I” in TEAM, but There is an “I” in FAMILY

Overcommitment is a plague that is killing the marriages and families of Christians and non-believers alike.   It is a disease that is directly rooted in our society’s value of the individual.   We live in a world that revolves around, “me first” and making sure every person gets plenty of “me time.”   There are so many choices of so many exciting things to do, parents are afraid of cheating themselves and their children of a host of enriching experiences intended to make sure each individual gets the most out of his or her own life.   If we and our kids aren’t involved in 4,000 activities–on Wednesday–every person feels as if he or she is missing out and often has no problem complaining about it.  All of this results in families that have too many “I’s” in them.   My tele-counseling practice is filled with people who take their personal prayer life seriously on the one hand, but live as married singles on the other.   Every day, I spend hours with families who would never think of missing mass, but don’t so much think of their family as a “domestic church” as a collection of individuals living under the same roof.

There is a saying, “There is no ‘I’ in TEAM.” This saying implies that the only thing that matters is the success of the group, not the individual members. There is something to this notion, but it doesn’t apply perfectly to family life.   After all, there is an “I” in “FAMILY.”     Although both are groups of individuals dedicated to important work, there are important differences between a team and a family.   A team exists to get a job done. To win the big game.   But a family exists to make us human.     Each individual member of the family group brings certain gifts to the table and has certain needs that must be met, and the character of the family will largely be defined by the strengths and weaknesses of its individual members.   The family that doesn’t respect the individual needs and strengths of its members–for instance by trying to look too similarly to some other family–will eventually collapse from trying to be something it’s not.

Even so, it is possible for there to be too many “I’s” in “FAMIIIIIILY” and that doesn’t work so well either.   While a family must respect the personalities of the individuals that make it up, the family also needs to remember that the work of being a family; of learning to love and serve one another and create a genuine community of love is what turns individual people into authentic human beings.  An analysis of 50 years of research on the importance of rituals and routines in family life (e.g, family meals, meaningful family and couple prayer times, game night, weekly family day, etc.) shows that the presence of regular family rituals and routines is almost more important to the strength of the family and the emotional health of the family members than the actual composition of the family itself.   For instance, a family that suffers divorce or the death of a member but maintains high levels of regular rituals and routines will, generally speaking, be healthier than an intact family that does little together.   Simple activities like the ones I listed above significantly improve marital satisfaction, decrease risk of depression and other emotional problems in family members, and lower the risk of behavioral and school problems in children.

The Gospel Truth  

Genesis tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.”   We might do well to remember that God was speaking to families today as much as he was to Adam at the dawn of creation. When families neglect their communal life, they end up living out the most painful kind of solitude–loneliness in the presence of others–and each individual suffers for it.  While it is a wonderful thing to pursue enriching work and activities, and giving back to one’s community and Church is a Christian duty, there is no activity more important and no duty more significant to the Christian than the work of learning to serve and living to love. There is no institution more capable of teaching adults and children to do this work than the family.   That’s what Catholics calls the family “a school of love.”

Remember what St Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 1-3:

“If I speak in the tonguesof men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.”

If we win the Employee of the Year award but can’t make time to celebrate our spouse’s birthday…if we fill our kids’ schedules with music lessons, sports, and other “enrichment activities” but don’t teach them how to get along well with their siblings and do their chores cheerfully…if our Church bible study group thinks we’re the best thing since padded kneelers, but–truth be told– we just don’t enjoy the company of our spouse and kids, then we are failing the Faith in our homes.   We are simply mouthing the words of the Creed while we kneel before the altar of the Cult of Individuality.

St. Paul said that the world must be able to look at us an say, “Look at those Christians, see how they love.”   Now’s your big chance to evangelize the culture. This week, sit down with your mate, make whatever cuts are necessary, and carve out the time you need to do something radical–be a family. For further help in creating a family of love and service, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the skills you need to succeed.

By: Gregory Popcak

It’s official.  Adult children are living with their parents longer than ever.   According to US Census data, 56 percent of men and 43 percent of women ages 18 to 24 today live with one or both parents. Some never left, while an estimated 65 percent of recent college graduates have moved back in with their parents.   The phenomenon of so-called “Boomerang Kids” is so common that it has even spawned a major motion picture, Failure to Launch.   But you don’t have to see the movie.   You can witness the drama unfolding in a home near you.   Maybe even in your home.  Whether or not your own Boomerang story has a happy ending is largely dependent upon the expectations and boundaries you employ with your adult children.   How do you respect their independence while requiring that they contribute to the common good of family life?   Here are some tips for negotiating some of the stickier points of the multi-generational family.

The Question of Rent

Some parents choose to charge their adult children rent.   This can be a useful option when parents are attempting to help their adult children ease into the financial responsibilities of adult life.   It can also be an important way adult children can contribute to the common good if the financial picture for the family-of-origin is tight.  That said, it could be possible that more can be lost than gained from charging rent.   When children begin paying for the privilege of staying at their childhood home, they often begin to see themselves as consumers rather than contributors to the common good, and parents often become reluctant to set appropriate boundaries on an adult child’s behavior because they see themselves more as landlords than parents.   So, while charging rent is worth considering, parents should keep in mind the relational costs that may be incurred along with the financial benefits.

Family Chores

Instead of rent, or even in addition to rent, it is important that adult children be treated as family members, and not as houseguests.   It is a basic principle of Christian family life that each person in the home should receive according to his level of need and contribute to his level of ability.   The adult child-at-home can be a real blessing if that child truly commits him or herself to serving the family in whatever ways are needed or useful.   As parents, you should not feel at all awkward about requiring adult children to do their share of the cooking, cleaning, and home maintenance.

Family Activities

While adult children have a right to have time for themselves, their friends, and their personal/professional pursuits, their decision to live at home means that they have an obligation to contribute not only to the material good of the family, but also to the emotional good of the home.   Don’t feel uncomfortable about insisting that your adult child participate in regular family rituals, including things like attending Mass as a family, family prayer times,   and participating in a weekly “family day”, or a family game night.   Adult children’s participation in these activities is an especially important encouragement to younger children in the household, who learn to see how truly important these activities are for fostering a sense of family identity and togetherness.   Of course, exceptions can be made when urgent work or social situations come up for the adult child, but it should be understood that these are exceptions, not the rule.  

Family Morals

The one thing that is absolutely essential is that adult children must support the family’s moral ideals.   This is especially important to the younger children in the household who will look to the adult child as a role model.   If the adult children are exempted from moral expectations, or simply ignore them, the younger children in the household will come to see morality as something that can be opted out of once they reach majority.   While it may not be practical or prudent to require adult children to maintain a curfew, they should be expected to be home at a reasonable time each night, maintain family standards regarding modest speech and dress as well as upholding exemplary behavior regarding sobriety and chastity.   Parents must be absolutely clear on this point; adult children will either contribute to the moral good of the home, or they will not be welcome to live at home.

Happily Ever After?

While conventional wisdom suggests that having adult children at home is the next best thing to having your teeth drilled, your actual experience will actually depend upon the leadership you take as parents.   Be clear about your expectations from the outset, and continue to insist that the adult child is welcome to stay at home as long as the adult child is actively working to contribute to the common good of the family.