Marriage Is About So Much More Than “Who’s the Boss?”

Posted on by

Mary Beth’s husband is, by most measures, a good man: hardworking, generous, and devoted to his family.

“But there’s another side of him that I’m struggling with,” she wrote in an email to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “Whenever I or one of the kids tries to raise a concern or if I gently suggest that he could have handled a situation differently, he explodes. He accuses me of disrespecting him, of trying to take over, of not honoring him as the head of the family. The conversation stops being about whatever the actual issue was and becomes about defending himself.”

Friends in her Bible study suggested that she stop criticizing him. “I don’t want to criticize him,” her letter continued. “I want to connect with him. But I’m starting to shut down emotionally and I don’t know how to reach him without setting him off. Is there a loving way forward here, or am I the problem?”

‘Be Subject to One Another’

The problem isn’t with Mary Beth, but with some common misunderstandings about what it means to be “head of the family” — and what true love really looks like.

A recent study found that 31 percent of Gen Z men — double the rate of boomers — believe wives should obey their husbands in all things. The trend may be connected with the wider movement to get back to more “traditional” values.

Among Christians, the belief that wives should submit to their husbands in all things often has its roots in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior” (5:21-23).

But the way that passage is sometimes interpreted is more idolatrous than Christian, the Popcaks said in their response to Mary Beth.

“Headship is not about bossing your wife and kids around,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s about setting the tone for service and spirituality in the home.”

To understand what genuine headship looks like, Dr. Popcak suggests looking to the role of the priest at Mass. The priest doesn’t dictate to the congregation — he presides in a way that makes the ordinary holy and draws everyone into a deeper relationship with God.

“The pagan vision of headship is autocratic and top-down: do what I say,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian vision is really liturgical. It’s about facilitating encounters with Christ in my home, making the faith the source of the warmth in my home, and being the servant leader who shows my family what it means to live sacrificial love.”

This isn’t a new idea. St. John Paul II offers a similar understanding in Familiaris Consortio: “Authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: ‘You are not her master,’ writes St. Ambrose, ‘but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife…. Reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love’” (#25).

And the pope was even more direct in his Theology of the Body catechesis on Ephesians 5:21-23: “The mutual relations of husband and wife should flow from their common relationship with Christ,” the pope said. “Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband, an object of unilateral domination.”

Real Love Works for the Good of the Other

What does this mean for someone like Mary Beth? When Dr. and Lisa Popcak addressed her question on air, they affirmed her desire for a “loving way forward,” but with some important clarifications.

First, Dr. Popcak explained that as much as her husband may mean well, he “learned growing up that it wasn’t okay to ever be wrong.” As a result, rather than using spiritual resources for the good of the family, he used them to defend himself.

Second, the Popcaks pointed out that accommodating his woundedness wasn’t really loving him. Real love means working for the good of the other, and in this case, that means inviting him to grow in wholeness and holiness.

Dr. Popcak suggested a basic script for that message: “I love you and I realize you’re trying to do your best. I’m not the enemy here, and neither are the kids. But you’re treating us like we are. And I love you too much to let that go on any longer…. So either we can work this out, you and I, or we can work this out with a counselor, but we’re going to work it out because I love you too much to let this continue any longer because it’s poisoning the family.”

That’s not necessarily an easy or comfortable conversation. Dr. Popcak said that many of his clients veer away from such a direct, honest call to conversion. But that’s a mistake.

As Lisa Popcak put it: “Saying ‘I just wish you’d stop’ is not prophetic. It doesn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t come from a place of godly strength.”

The message has to be clear—and it has to come from love, not fear.

What True Headship Looks Like

The sort of headship that demands “submission in all things” is more akin to idolatry than genuine fidelity to the Gospel. For husbands genuinely trying to lead their families well, Dr. Popcak offers the following advice.

  •  Lead toward Christ, not toward yourself. Your role is to draw your wife and children into a deeper relationship with God. When you position yourself as the one everyone must tiptoe around, you’ve made yourself the center rather than Christ.
  •  Facilitate, don’t dictate. “If you’re the chairman of the board, you don’t dictate the agenda,” Dr. Popcak said. “You facilitate the conversation by which decisions happen together.”
  • Take point in the spiritual life of the home. Initiate family prayer, lead conversations of depth, and model sacrificial service — don’t wait for your wife to carry the spiritual weight of the household.
  •  Welcome correction. A man secure in his identity as a beloved son of God doesn’t need to be right all the time. When his wife or children say that something hurt them, his first response is humility — not defense.

The Catholic vision of the family roots the relationship between the spouses in their mutual obedience to Christ. Fulfilling that vision doesn’t diminish either spouse’s authority, but roots it in Christ. When both spouses understand that they are called to mutual submission, mutual service, and mutual love, their marriage can become what it was always meant to be: a living sign of Christ’s love for his Church.

For more on leading your family with sacrificial love, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book The Be-DAD-itudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad. And for one-on-one support with difficult marriage dynamics, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Assertive Isn’t Selfish: A Catholic Guide to Healthy Love

Posted on by

By Dr. Gregory Popcak

The Theology of the Body reminds us that Christian love is not meant to be one-sided. While we are certainly called to be generous, sacrificial, and attentive to the needs of others, we are not called to ignore or suppress our own needs. In fact, St. John Paul II taught that the key to healthy, holy Christian relationships is “mutual self-giving.” Love flourishes when everyone involved is committed to giving what they can for the good of the other—and to receiving that love in return.

One of the biggest misunderstandings Christians struggle with is the idea that acknowledging our needs—much less asserting them–is somehow contrary to living an authentic Christian life. But TOB teaches us something very different. God is the author of our needs. A need is not just something required to survive; it is anything necessary for us to flourish as the persons God created us to be. Emotional connection, respect, rest, affection, support, and meaning are not luxuries—they are part of God’s design for human life.

When our legitimate needs are met, we thrive. And when we thrive, God is glorified in our flourishing. This means it is not only appropriate but healthy to expect that the people who say they love us will be responsive to our needs, just as we strive to be responsive to theirs. Mutual responsiveness is not selfishness; it is the very structure of love.
This is where the distinction between assertiveness and selfishness becomes essential. A selfish person is focused exclusively on themselves. They want what they want, how they want it, and when they want it, with little concern for how that affects others. Christian assertiveness looks very different. A responsible, assertive Christian is clear and honest about what they need, but also remains flexible and respectful about how and when that need is met. The goal is not control; it is communion.

TOB reminds us that we were created for intimate communion with God and with one another. Intimacy cannot exist where needs are hidden, denied, or dismissed. True closeness grows when we are able to say, “This is what I need,” and when the other person can respond with generosity and care. Likewise, love deepens when we are willing to hear the needs of others without becoming defensive or dismissive.

Of course, expressing needs does not guarantee they will always be met perfectly or immediately. But consistently silencing ourselves out of fear, guilt, or a mistaken sense of holiness leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional distance. That kind of self-erasure does not reflect Christ. Jesus gave Himself completely—but He also rested, withdrew to pray, asked for support, and allowed others to minister to Him. Mutual self-gift always includes mutual care.

Healthy Christian relationships are not about keeping score or demanding perfection. They are about a shared commitment to help one another become more fully alive. When we learn to express our needs clearly and charitably, listen to the needs of others with compassion, and work together to find solutions that respect everyone involved, we begin to experience the kind of love God intended from the beginning.

In that kind of relationship, no one disappears. Everyone is seen. Everyone is invited to give—and to receive. And in that mutual self-giving, the love of God becomes visible in the world.

If you would like support it making this change in your life or relationships, reach out for personal support from our pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Feeling Overwhelmed? Try These Three Simple Steps

Posted on by

As the holidays approach, are you feeling a little Grinchy? It’s not that you don’t appreciate Advent or celebrating the Nativity; it’s just the stress of holiday expectations layered on top of your normal work and home responsibilities. Anyone would feel overwhelmed, really.

Whether you feel overwhelmed by the holidays or “overwhelmed” is just your default state most weekdays, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have a practical three-step plan for coping.

The ‘It’s All on Me’ Trap

When our stress level rises in sync with our to-do list, our natural tendency is to become overly task focused, the Popcaks said. We convince ourselves that we have to power through on our own and that we won’t feel better until every task is complete.

But that’s a trap.

“When I start feeling overwhelmed, I just want to plow through: ‘I’m going to do this all by myself,’” Dr. Popcak said on a recent episode of the CatholicHŌM Podcast. “And it doesn’t always work as well as it sounds like it should.”

When we try to brute-force our way through stress, we become anxious, snappish, and distant. As Lisa Popcak noted, we push people away, telling ourselves we’re not “allowed” to have connection until after everything is done.

This leaves us feeling more like “human doings” instead of “human beings”—miserable and disconnected from the people we care about. As St. John Paul II pointed out during his catechesis on the Theology of the Body, human beings are first and foremost called to be in relationship with God and one another. We are more than just machines whose only purpose is to “get things done.”

The solution isn’t to work harder; it is to reorient how we work.

Three Steps to Move from Overwhelmed to “Perfectly Whelmed”

To move from a state of frantic overwhelm to being “perfectly whelmed,” (as Dr. Popcak put it), we need a plan that prioritizes relationship over efficiency. Here are three steps the Popcaks recommend.

1.    Stop and Connect with God

The first step is to stop powering through on your own. Reach out for help, beginning with the God who loves you.

For example, you might pray, “Okay, Lord, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m feeling stressed, I got a million things to do. Help me to approach this the way you want me to.”

The focus here matters—it’s about being your best self through the tasks, not just getting them done. You are giving yourself permission to let God lead you through the chaos, rather than tearing through it and hoping God cleans up the mess later.

In a family setting, Lisa Popcak recommends praying out loud with your family during transitional moments, especially as you’re headed into a hectic agenda. Before you even get out of the car to wrestle with that double stroller, stop and pray: “Lord, there’s a lot going on right now. Please help us be our best selves.”

Besides being genuinely helpful in the moment, this habit teaches kids to lean into prayer rather than anxiety. 

2. Focus on Connection Over Task

When we are stressed, we tend to view our family members as obstacles to our goals, the Popcaks said. The antidote is to ask yourself, “How can I do these tasks while staying connected to the people that I love?”

Let’s say you take on a home repair project like replacing a kitchen faucet. The YouTube DIY videos all say it should take half an hour, but one thing leads to another, and two hours later you’re at the end of your rope. Before long, you are growling, sighing, and snapping at any family member who dares poke their head in the kitchen.

But instead of following your natural inclination to push people away, try pulling your people closer. As Dr. Popcak suggested, you might take thirty seconds to say, “You know, what I could really use right now is a hug!” Just holding your family for a moment allows you to breathe in love and let the stress go. And if you are feeling especially stressed out, you might go even further, asking family members to not only give you a long hug, but also to say a prayer over you.

It only takes a minute, but the benefits can be huge, providing a much-needed reset and releasing hormones that help with stress reduction. As an added bonus, you’ll be able to tackle your stressful situation refreshed and with a new perspective that might help on a practical level.

3. Make a Plan to Get Through This Together

Finally, the Popcaks point out that we often fail because we don’t communicate our expectations to our family members or colleagues before the stress hits. To avoid this, you need to have an intentional conversation about how you are going to get through the situation together.

For example, let’s say that tomorrow is going to be a super busy and hectic day. You might sit down with your family and say something like, “Hey, it looks like tomorrow’s going to be kind of a stressful day. What are some things that we can do to stay connected and take care of each other while we do this?”

The holidays are a perfect example. We know they’re coming, and we know they’ll be busy. Instead of charging into December with vague anxiety, sit down with your family or the people you live with and make a plan. What matters most this season? What can we let go? How will we take care of each other when things get hectic?

This step is all about remembering that the people in our lives—whether family, roommates, colleagues, or friends—matter more than crossing items off our lists.

Stronger and Closer for Working Together

So there you have it: instead of trying to go it alone, bring God into the room. Lean on the love and support of your people, and be intentional about communicating expectations and making a plan.

The goal isn’t just surviving stress, Dr. Popcak said—it’s coming through it “stronger and closer for having gone through this together.” 

For an even more in-depth look at handling stress in your life, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book, God Help Me! This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! And if you need one-on one support in handling stress, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

Here’s How to Set Healthy Boundaries with the People You Love

Posted on by

Shauna’s mother had been watching her young children a few times a week, but things kept going wrong: the four-year-old was left outside unsupervised; Grandma showed them a horror movie that gave them nightmares; and she fed them sugary snacks, despite Shauna’s instructions.

Not surprisingly, the children regularly come home wired and dysregulated. “They’re just a mess when I pick them up,” Shauna explained on a recent episode of More2Life, the live radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak on the EWTN Radio Network.

She knew she needed to set some limits, but she worried about damaging her relationship with her mother if she said that her mother couldn’t watch the kids any longer.

Her dilemma is a common one. When it comes to people we love, setting boundaries feels scary. It feels mean. And for many of us, it feels impossible.

Are boundaries “mean”—or loving?

The Popcaks spend a lot of time helping people understand that boundaries are a tool for better relationships. “Setting a boundary is not really about cutting somebody off or punishing somebody,” Dr. Popcak explained. “Don’t think of a boundary as a wall or an electrified fence. Think of a boundary as a door. 

“You put this door so that people can walk through it but they have to knock first, or they have to do something before they come through the door,” he continued. “It’s not just, you’re not being mean by having doors in your house. You’re just saying, well, I need you to do something before you can come into this room.”

All too often, the pressure to “be nice” and accommodate everyone can make us feel selfish for saying no to anything. This pressure can be even more difficult for Christians who are concerned about prioritizing love in relationships.

But look at what typically happens when we avoid setting boundaries: resentment builds, unsafe patterns continue, and we enable behaviors that hurt not only us, but the people responsible for those behaviors.

The theology of healthy boundaries

In order to understand how healthy boundaries can actually enable more authentic love, let’s take a look at what St. John Paul II says in his Theology of the Body.

The doctrine of the Trinity teaches us that God, who is one, exists as three distinct persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Each person of the Trinity is fully united in love, yet each remains unique and distinct. Because we’re made in God’s image and likeness, we too are called to live in unity without losing our individuality.

Healthy boundaries help us live this divine pattern. They’re not walls that keep people out. They’re doors that help us decide when and how best to give ourselves fully to each other and to ensure that we are treating ourselves and each other with dignity and respect.

“Love isn’t about losing ourselves in another person,” Dr. Popcak explained. “It’s about giving ourselves freely and responsibly. Boundaries protect the freedom that make genuine love possible. Without them, love becomes distorted. It can become either controlling or enabling.”

As St. Paul reminds us in Galatians 6:1, we are called to correct one another in a spirit of gentleness. Boundaries help us do exactly that, Lisa Popcak said.

“With those who’ve hurt us, setting boundaries can actually be—brace yourselves—an act of mercy, not rejection,” Lisa Popcak said. “Failing to set limits when someone sins against us doesn’t help them. In fact, it often enables harm.”

Authentic love, Dr. Popcak said, is always ordered to the true and good. “Setting boundaries tells the other person, ‘I love you too much to pretend that that particular behavior is okay.’ It’s not a punishment. It’s an invitation to conversion and healing. And when we set healthy, godly boundaries, we create the conditions that allow authentic communion.”

Three steps to setting boundaries that stick

If you’re ready to set a boundary but you’re not sure where to start, here’s a practical framework.

1. Name the specific behavior and its impact

Don’t speak in vague complaints like “you’re too much” or “you don’t respect me.” Name the concrete behaviors that are causing problems and explain how they affect you or your family.

For example, Lisa suggested that Shauna could tell her mother, “Mom, you think that the kids are having a great time. They’re coming back just a mess. I appreciate you trying to be a caregiver to them, but I also need you to be a caregiver to me. I’m your daughter and when my kids are coming back scared, wired up on sugar, not able to do the next steps of their day, you’re not giving me any care.”

This frames the boundary not as an attack on Grandma, but as a request for care. It’s honest about the impact without shaming or blaming.

2. Offer a pathway forward

Don’t just tell someone what you don’t want—give them a clear picture of what would work better. “Tell me what you’re trying to do by acting this way,” Greg suggested. “Let’s figure out a better way to do that.”

In Shauna’s situation, the pathway forward might be: “I know you love spending time with the kids. Let’s do that together—family dinners, supervised visits, activities where we’re all present. But right now, unsupervised childcare isn’t working for any of us.” This preserves the relationship while protecting the children.

The key is framing boundaries as an invitation, not a rejection. If the person can respect the boundary, they can be fully present in your life. If they can’t, they can still be in your life—just in a more limited way.

3. Enforce with clarity and consistency

Once you’ve set a boundary, you have to maintain it. We don’t toss the ball into the other person’s court and hope they maintain the boundary, it’s up to us to keep the boundaries that we set. 

If someone can’t respect your boundary, they can’t be in that part of your life. That’s a door, not a wall. You’re not cutting them off forever—you’re saying, “This particular way of relating isn’t working, so we need to do it differently.”

Sometimes you can’t enforce boundaries fully. Dr. Popcak suggested that if Shauna’s mother is her only childcare option, she should focus on mitigation: prepare the kids ahead of time, identify what works better on good days and encourage those behaviors, and build in decompression time after they’re picked up.

Creating space for real love

In short, when we set healthy boundaries, we create the conditions that allow both people to flourish. We stop enabling harm and start inviting growth. We move from confusion and control to authentic communion.

For more help setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts. And for more in-depth, personalized help, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

How the Saints Can Correct Our Idea of What ‘Holiness’ Looks Like

Posted on by


You wouldn’t think that a 16th-century prankster would have much to contribute to a modern pastoral counseling practice—but St. Philip Neri is one of pastoral counselor Jacob Flores-Popcak’s go-to saints.

Known as the “Apostle of Rome,” Philip Neri was famous for his holiness—and his humor. Once, he even showed up to a banquet held in his honor with all the hair on one side of his head shaved clean off (eyebrows and beard, too!), smiling and chatting all evening as if nothing were unusual.

For Flores-Popcak, this story captures an often-overlooked truth about emotional and spiritual growth: humility and silliness often go hand in hand. Flores-Popcak often uses Philip Neri’s example in therapy sessions to help clients see how pride can quietly sabotage relationships.

“A lot of the time relationship problems come down to wanting so badly to save face and to be taken seriously,” Flores-Popcak said. “Then I fall into the sin of pride and end up kind of shutting out my capacity for empathy or compassion.”

True humility, he explains, doesn’t mean putting ourselves down; it means being willing to let go of control—even to risk looking foolish for the sake of love. Embracing the role of Neri’s “holy fool” frees up our mind and heart to feel empathy for the other person’s situation. “And that’s going to make me a more effective communicator—and ironically, make sure that I am understood.”

Why the Saints Belong in Pastoral Counseling

A few years ago, Flores-Popcak did a deep dive into the writings of the saints about issues that often come up in pastoral counseling. He found a treasure trove of insights that resonate with the best evidence-based practices of 21st century counselors.

“Let’s recognize that mental health isn’t a new thing,” he said. “Humans have always had brains and relationships. So if someone is sincerely trying to love and serve Christ—which are really the same thing—they’re naturally going to have some good advice about how to live and relate well.

He eventually boiled his project down into twenty quotes that he turned into social media posts. Here’s a sampling:

  • St. Thomas Aquinas: “…a hurtful thing hurts yet more if we keep it shut up… when a man sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with him, striving, as it were, to lessen its weight” (Summa Theologica, Quaestio 38).
  • St. Peter Damian: “But if I were to tell you of all the graces conferred by tears, the day would be at an end before I had finished… Tears bring forth joy from sadness. When they spring from the eyes… they raise us up to the hope of eternal blessedness.”
  • St. Catherine of Siena: “What is it you want to change? Your hair, your face, your body? Why? For God is in love with all those things and He might weep when they are gone” (The Dialogue, 96)
  • St. Philip Neri: “…Let us aim for joy, rather than respectability. Let us make fools of ourselves from time to time, and thus see ourselves, for a moment, as the all-wise God sees us.”
  • St. Ignatius of Loyola: “It is not the soul alone that should be healthy; if the mind is healthy in a healthy body, all will be healthy and much better prepared to give God greater service.”
  • St. Teresa of Avila: “It is a great advantage for us to be able to consult someone who knows us, so that we may learn to know ourselves… As a rule, all our anxieties and troubles come from misunderstanding our own nature.”

The quote that elicited the largest response on social media was the one from St. Peter Damien about the value of tears.

“We had people sharing vulnerably about how their parents had screamed at them or even hit them for crying, telling them to ‘offer it up.’ And then here’s a Doctor of the Church talking about the importance of letting yourself cry—both psychologically and spiritually,” Flores-Popcak said. “For a lot of people, it was eye-opening to realize that maybe their parents were wrong—that the Church actually values tears as something holy and healing.”

The Saints Didn’t Have It Easy

Flores-Popcak is not the only pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com who brings the saints into their counseling sessions. Often, counselors will bring up the lives of the saints to offer their clients encouragement.

“We think of saints as being these perfect people with perfect faith, but they were truly people who had difficulties in their life,” says pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac. “It wasn’t about being perfect or not struggling with things, but the conviction to continue to turn to God and not let struggles define them that made them the saints we know.”

Another pastoral counselor, Grant Freeman, challenges clients to think about where Mary’s deep peace came from. It would be simplistic to think that being “full of grace” meant that she had it easy. But if you think about it, he said, the Joyful Mysteries could really be dubbed the “Nightmare Mysteries.”

“The Annunciation: Unmarried pregnancy that will likely be perceived negatively. The Visitation: 90-mile journey with morning sickness,” he said. “Christmas: Not necessarily a cakewalk; also, slaughter of the innocents. Presentation: Simeon and Anna aren’t necessarily harbingers of joy. Finding in the temple? In the modern era, a CPS incident.”

His point is that Mary’s peace was really grounded in deep trust in the Lord’s providence.

Counselor Andy Proctor said he often points clients to saints who overcame painful family histories. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and St. Martin de Porres are favorite examples; both of them experienced instability and rejection early in life yet grew into people of deep compassion. Their stories, he says, offer hope to anyone still healing from their past: your history may shape you, but it doesn’t have to define you. Grace can transform even the hardest beginnings into holiness.

St. Maximilian Kolbe: Choosing the Adult Mindset

Of course, the saints also provide a model navigating those difficulties. For Ron LaGro, St. Maximilian Kolbe is the ultimate example of emotional maturity—what therapists call an adult mindset.

Kolbe’s calm courage in Auschwitz showed that he refused to let emotions or circumstances dictate his choices. Even in a starvation bunker, he remained centered and purposeful, leading other prisoners in hymns as they died together.

LaGro contrasts this with what he calls the child mindset—blaming others or situations for one’s actions. “People say, ‘I’d do the right thing, but my spouse…’ or ‘but my situation…’ That’s the misery-making mindset,” he said. “Kolbe shows what it looks like to stay centered, responsible, and free—even in the darkest places.”

The Saints Show Us the Way

From Philip Neri’s playful humility to Mary’s steadfast trust and Kolbe’s self-possession, the saints model the kind of emotional and spiritual maturity that leads to lasting peace. They show us that holiness and wholeness are two sides of the same coin—each born from grace cooperating with human effort.

This All Saints Day, consider which saint speaks to your own struggles right now. What lesson might God be offering you through their story?

And if you’d like help applying that wisdom in your own life, reach out to a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. 

Six More Tools for Your Parenting Tool Box

Posted on by

In a recent post, we looked at the first six practices in Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Discipleship Discipline Toolbox: rituals and routines, collecting, team-building, catching kids being good, virtue-prompting, and do-overs.

Each of these tools are ways that parents can practice Discipleship Discipline, the authoritative (not authoritarian!) approach to discipline inspired by St. John Bosco’s “Preventitive Method.” In this approach, parents focus on teaching kids how to be virtuous. Instead of taking on the role of police officer and judge, enforcing rules and handing out punishments, Discipleship Discipline parents take on the role of a good coach who helps the child to not only follow the rules of the game, but to develop the skills needed to play at the top of her game. (For more about Discipleship Discipline, see “Why Discipleship Discipline Helps Kids and Parents Thrive” and “To Raise Healthy, Happy, Holy Kids, Start with a Game of Catch.”)

Now, let’s look at the next six tools: rehearsing, time-ins, emotional temperature taking, time outs (done right), sibling revelry, and logical consequences.

7. Rehearsing & Reviewing

When kids repeatedly struggle in the same situations, parents often resort to nagging or scolding. But as the Popcaks remind us, “telling kids to do something differently rarely works.”

That’s where rehearsing (or for teens, reviewing) can be helpful. Rehearsing means practicing good behavior before the problem arises again.

For instance, if your children ran wild during the last grocery trip, you don’t just hope for better behavior next time. Instead, you come up with a plan (e.g., your kids will hold your hand or the side of the cart). You walk through the plan with them, and even practice in the parking lot before going in.

Teens don’t necessarily need the same physical rehearsal of good behavior, but they still need your help thinking through a plan for how to handle a challenging situation better in the future. If your teenager ends up drinking at a party, for example, you might impose a meaning­ful consequence. But you would also help him do better in the future by talking through how things went wrong and making a plan for avoiding or negotiating that situation going forward.

Rehearsing and reviewing isn’t about compromising your expectations for your kids’ behavior. Instead, it’s about giving them the strategies and skills they need to meet those expectations.

8. Time-In

When kids are overwhelmed by stress or even excitement, they become dysregulated. In other words, they literally lose access to their brain’s self-control systems. The result: meltdowns, disrespect, and other poor behavior.

A time-in counters this by engaging the child warmly, often with touch, listening, and empathy. Unlike the better-known time out, a time-in brings parent and child closer together. It’s a chance to reconnect, regulate emotions, and then move forward peacefully. Time-ins can be short and simple: taking a child on your lap to let them calm down, talking through their feelings while rubbing their back, or planning special one-on-one time when they seem “off”: doing a project together, going for a walk, or eating out, for instance. The time-in might include some shared problem-solving, too (see “Team-Building”).

Parents often resist this strategy because they view it as rewarding bad behavior. But time-ins are really about refilling your child’s “emotional gas tank” so they have the resources to regulate their behavior again.

9. Emotional Temperature-Taking

Parents often say their kids go from “zero to 100” in seconds. But children often show warning signs long before a full-blown meltdown. The Popcaks encourage parents to learn their child’s “emotional temperature,” a scale from 1 to 10 that measures how regulated (or dysregulated) they are based on behavioral cues.

At a 1–3, your child is calm, affectionate, and capable of cheerful obedience. At a 6 or 7, stress chemicals are rising; you may notice fidgeting, sighing, or eye-rolling. By 9 or 10, the filters are gone: tantrums, hostility, or withdrawal take over.

The gift of this tool is awareness. By noticing signs at a 6 or 7, you can step in with collecting or a quick time-in before things unravel. Kids can also be taught to monitor their own “temperature,” giving them language to say, “I’m at a 7 — I need a hug or a break.” This helps kids build lifelong emotional intelligence.

10. Time-Outs (Making Them Work)

Simply sending a child to their room is not discipline; it’s isolation, and it rarely produces lasting change. A proper time-out is not a punishment, but an opportunity to reset and practice doing better.

Time-outs should not be your first-line strategy; rather, this approach should only be used when kids are at an 8 or above on the emotional temperature scale. When done properly, timeouts follow a clear process:

  1. Attempt collecting first. If your child is at an 8 or above on the emotional temperature scale, they may resist regulation. At that point, you can explain that a time-out is a chance to calm down.
  2. Escort them to a quiet, safe spot. No toys, no devices, not their bedroom. The goal isn’t entertainment but space for regulation.
  3. After the time is up, check in to see whether your child is self-regulated (at a 5 or less on the emotional temperature scale) — don’t let them “release themselves.”
  4. Finally, take a moment for learning and skill-building. The child names what went wrong, apologizes sincerely, identifies a better choice, and rehearses it with you.

Throughout this process, the parent calmly frames the time-out as the break both parent and child needs in order to figure out how to work things out together.

11. Sibling Revelry

Sibling conflicts can leave parents feeling like constant referees. Instead of endlessly deciding “who started it,” the Popcaks recommend teaching kids how to reconcile through what they call “sibling revelry.” Here’s how it works: first, use virtue-prompting — “What would be the generous or respectful way to handle this?” If the conflict escalates and collecting or time-ins do not help, send both chil­dren to a time-out with the assignment to think about what they personally could have done to make the situation better.

After the time is up, check in with each child separately to see whether they can name how they could have made the situation better.

When they can do this, bring them back together to admit what they did wrong (with no qualifica­tions), apologize sincerely, state how they will do better, and role-play the healthier response. Finally, end with a group hug.

This method avoids blame games and teaches siblings that they always have the power to make things better, even when they are feeling frustrated.

12. Logical Consequences

The final tool in the Popcaks’ toolbox is logical consequences. Logical conse­quences are not punishments. Punishments impose pain on a child in the hope that if they suffer enough for bad behavior, they will magically learn to how to self-regulate and behave virtuously.

By contrast, logical consequences flow directly from the misbehavior and lead to the desired appropriate behavior. Further, they give kids a chance to practice the virtues and skills they need to do better in the future.

For example, if a teen keeps flouting his parents’ expectation for not using his phone during family time, the parents might take his phone privilege away for a week. During that week, his parents guide him in practicing the virtues that he would need in order to do better — in this case, showing love and respect for his family.

Other examples include practicing morning routines on Saturdays if a child struggles to get ready on school days, or redoing sloppy homework under a parent’s supervision. The key is consistency and clarity: privileges return only when the child shows they’re ready to handle them responsibly.

Logical consequences don’t punish. They create a structure that builds the very skills kids need for long-term success.

Shepherding with Love

These six tools — rehearsing, time-ins, emotional temperature-taking, time-outs, sibling revelry, and logical consequences — equip parents to lead their children as loving shepherds, not drill sergeants. Discipline done this way doesn’t just correct bad behavior. It strengthens attachment, builds virtue, and shows children that they are loved even when they struggle.

For the full set of tools and more practical guidance, pick up a copy of Parenting Your Kids with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support in your parenting journey, consider joining the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.