â€œItâ€™s Good to Be Kingâ€? A Serious Look at Headship in Christian Marriage.

Posted on April 30, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Gregory Popcak

“Defer to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives be submissive to your husbands…. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church.”

~Ephesians 5:21-33

In my counseling practice, I have recently encountered a slew of questions relating to headship in Christian marriage and the abuses that flow from a misunderstanding of this concept. I have been disheartened to see first hand how this beautiful and key teaching of Christian family life has been twisted in so many ways to cause so much pain. Let me offer some examples so we’re all clear on what I’m talking about. “My husband doesn’t want me, just my body. He ignores me or is cold to me most of the time, but then he wants to have sex at least twice a day. I feel like he is using me, but He says that he is the head and I have to submit to him in all things, especially this, or else I’m sinning. I want to be a good wife. I don’t want to offend God, but I am so sad. What can I do?”

~ ~ ~

“My husband said that I couldn’t buy any birthday presents for our two-year old because ‘He has enough already. He needs to learn to be grateful for what he has.’ He won’t even let my family come to celebrate his birthday. My heart is breaking for our son but I don’t want to disobey my husband, what should I do?”

~ ~ ~

“The people in my homeschool group tell me that when my husband says something, even if I disagree with it, I have to say, ‘Yes, dear.’ because in marriage I am supposed to sacrifice my will entirely to the will of my husband. Something about that doesn’t seem right. It sounds extreme but what if he wanted me to kill someone? Where do I draw the line?”

~ ~ ~

There is a great deal of confusion about what it means for the husband to be the head of the family and much harm can come from an improper understanding of this idea. The key to understanding headship lies in the John Paul II’s statement in Evangelium Vitae, that “Man’s lordship is not absolute, it is ministerial.” Let’s unpack that statement.

1. Obedience cannot be commanded, it must be invited.

There is an important distinction to be made between blind obedience and Christian obedience. Blind obedience uses fear to motivate. The person who relies on blind obedience says, “You must obey me because I am the leader, so there!” Christian obedience is a much different animal though. It is a logical response to loving service. St. Ambrose was contemplating the scripture, “You are my friends if you keep my commands.” but he observed that friends don’t command other friends, if they did, it would no longer be a friendship but a relationship between a superior and inferior person (the commander and the commanded). What could Jesus mean by tying our friendship with Him to obedience to Him? Ambrose realized that Jesus was talking about a new kind of obedience based on friendship rather than fear, an “obedience” that meant anticipating and fulfilling the needs of another. Seen in this light, obedience is really another form of intimacy, where one person attentively seeks out the needs of the other and lovingly fulfills them, often without being asked, certainly without being asked twice. This is the essence of true Christian obedience. What parent would not want this kind of obedience from their child? What spouse would not want this kind of obedience from their mate? What God would not want this kind of obedience from His people?

Understanding obedience in this way presents a challenge to all of us. Obviously Christian obedience is a good and desirable thing, and yet, we cannot demand obedience from another (nor can we nag, whine, threaten, beat, or manipulate it out of someone) if it is to remain true Christian obedience. In fact, there is only one way Christian parents and Christian spouses can “command” obedience; the same way Jesus commanded it, through an example of loving service. When my wife or children come to me with a need, it is not my job to sit in judgment of that need and say “Yea” or “Nay” to it. It is my job to take that need seriously, and to help them find a godly way to meet that need. If I do this, then over time, my wife and children learn to trust me. They come to see that, “Hey, Greg always does well by us. He always helps us find respectful and efficient ways to meet our needs.” Because of this, they come to seek my counsel and take my advice all on their own without me ever having to “command” them to do anything. In other words, their “obedience” to my counsel is their logical response to my having served them first. In a Christian home, obedience does not result from me beating my chest and saying, “Me Head of Family! You brainless peon!” (That is oppression, not headship.) In a Christian home, obedience is not commanded, it is invited, by the husband becoming like Christ and washing the feet of the greatest and the least member of his family.

2. The needs set the agenda, not the husband.

I recently spoke at a men’s conference where a gentleman cornered me after my talk and said, “It took me 25 years of marriage to realize I wasn’t going to get any credit– from God or my wife–for giving her things she didn’t want.” I regularly hear from husbands who want to know, “How do I know what’s right for my family?” Many men think that omniscience is a prerequisite to headship. It is not. How do you know what’s right for your family? You ask them! As head of household, you must assume that the voice of God is speaking through the needs your wife and children bring to you. Their needs set the agenda, not you. Husbands would do well to remember that God is the ultimate head of household and God is the author of all of our needs. Of course, if you have concerns about certain things your family wants, you have a right to express them, even to insist that those concerns be addressed before you move forward with fulfilling that need (incidentally, your wife has this same right when you bring your needs to her. “Defer to one another out of reverence for Christ…) And you should always pray with your family to help them discern whether the need being expressed is truly godly, but assuming the need persists through prayer and discernment, we have little choice but to respond to it. As scripture says, in the end we must, “Follow the ways of your heart, the vision of your eyes.” Assuming we truly love God first and seek his will then, “all things,” presumably even our errors in judgment “will work for the good of those who love Him.” Again, being head of household does not mean being a one man Supreme Court whose family must convince you that their needs are worthy of being fulfilled. It means that you must be a responsive and generous servant to whatever needs your family brings to you, especially the ones that make you uncomfortable. If you do this, then, and only then, will you be loving your family “as Christ loves the Church.”

3. You all belong to God.

Paul tells us, “None of us lives as his own…. In both life and death we belong to God.” Because each one of us belongs to God, he speaks to each one of us, and he expects each of us to fulfill the purpose for which we have been created. The only way to do this, is to learn to be attentive to his voice in our hearts and to follow that voice where it leads us. But I have met many husbands who think that their wife and children are obliged to follow the agenda that they set for the family, regardless of what the rest of the family thinks of that agenda. This is not headship. It is idolatry. These husbands expect their family to be disobedient to the voice of God speaking in their hearts, and instead, be obedient only to the husband’s desires. How is this any different than the pagan kings of the Old Testament insisting that their subjects pray to them? Whenever this occurred, the servants of God were praised for their strenuous resistance to this arguably legitimate authority who made himself illegitimate by the nature of his commands. Jesus said, “No man is greater than his master, no messenger than he who sent him” as he stooped to wash the feet of his apostles. If we would love our wives as Christ loved the Church, then we must first put on the apron of humility–and serve. We cannot concern ourselves with making our family obey us. We can only love them, better and better, until they turn their hearts to us. It is then that we will be like Christ, of whom we sing, “O, How I love Jesus, because he first loved me.”

If you find yourself struggling with any of the issues mentioned in the above article, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the solutions you are seeking. Call us to get the skills you need to succeed.

Money Madness: Getting to the Bottom of â€œDollar Debatesâ€

Posted on April 29, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

About halfway through their first tele-counseling session with me, Mack and Kara brought our conversation around to money. “He is totally controlling about what we spend.” Kara complained. “I really am careful about our budget, but he is constantly on me with his, ‘Do we really need this? Do we need that?’ He drives me crazy.” Mack interrupted, “That’s not it at all! I just think we need to save.” “Well, of course we need to save. But he gets crazy about it. It seems like every penny we don’t absolutely have to spend has to be squirreled away. He never wants to take a vacation; he couldn’t care less what our home looks like. It’s all about sockin’ it away.” Not every couple is as polarized about money as Mack and Kara are, but finances are among the most contentious issues couples face. In fact, 37% of couples report that arguments about money represent a significant source of marital stress. Certainly they are the most common problems couples bring up in counseling, especially when financial times turn tough. So what’s the secret to resolving these maddening money matters? Here are a few tips to get you over the hurdles.

1. Start by Giving Your Money Back to God.

Do you and your mate pray about your money? You should. No matter who brings home the bacon in your home, God is the provider. If He is giving you the money, then he has a purpose in mind for it. It is your job to discern that purpose by regularly asking God for his guidance. Here are a few suggestions for how to do this. First, every time you get a paycheck, sit down with your mate to thank God for it. Literally, pray over it, and to ask Him to help you know how to be a good steward of this gift. Second, when it comes to paying bills, go to the Lord first. Ask him to calm your nerves, give you wisdom, and to make your dollar go further (remember the loaves and the fishes!) and if you are fortunate enough to have anything left after, thank him for it, and keep point #2 in mind.

2. Remember the Purpose of Money.

As Catholics, we recognize that everything that God gives us is intended to work for the good of people. The accumulation of money cannot be an end in itself. Money is only good to the degree that it serves us and those who depend upon us. Couples must learn to be comfortable living in a healthy tension between saving for the future, making the home a hospitable place for the family, and taking care of those less fortunate. Before you allocate any money remaining after bills, consider the needs of everyone in the family, not just your own plans.

3. Everybody Has to Win.

Most money madness results from fights in which husbands and wives disagree over whose spending/saving vision rules the day. This is entirely wrongheaded. God called you and your spouse together because he knew that by responding generously to the needs he has placed on each of your hearts, you will both grow in ways that are essential to God’s plan for your life; ways in which you would never grow if you were on your own. In order to do this, you must both be willing to give the other what he or she requires, but you must both also be willing to be flexible about how and when you get it. Do you want to go on a vacation this year? Great, but be sure to plan a vacation that respects your mate’s need to save. Need to save for retirement or college? Great. Just be flexible enough to develop a plan that enables you to meet reasonable savings goals in a timeframe that is respectful of your family’s need to have a hospitable home-life today. Everybody can get what they need as long as husband and wife are willing to be flexible about the method used to get it and the timeframe in which it is gotten.

4. Get Professional Help.

If you can’t figure out how to bring your different financial visions together into one coherent plan, seek the help of a financial planner who has tools and information that can help you solve the practical aspects of your problem. Remember, though, sometimes money problems aren’t just about money. Often, arguments about money are really just a sign of a serious weakness in a couple’s general problem-solving and communication abilities, or a sign that there is just not as much respect in the relationship as there needs to be. The latter is especially true when one spouse consistently bullies the other to seeing things his or her way. If resentment over money persists even after you have tried financial planning don’t simmer in silence. Seek the help of a marriage-friendly counselor who can help you get to the bottom of what is really bothering you. If you find that there is still tension between you and your spouse over money matters, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the solutions you are searching for. Call us and get the skills you need to succeed!

Women Want Romance and Men Want Sex, Right? Not So Fastâ€¦

Posted on April 25, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Gregory Popcak

It has been a truism in both secular and Christian culture that “women want romance and men want sex” or “women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex.” I have always HATED these sentiments because, although I know they ring true for many they have NEVER rung true for me. I am, personally, a big fan of love, romance, sex and everything that has to do with marriage and, frankly, I am more the man for it. Beyond my personal experience, however, this message has always seemed inconsistent to what Christian men and women are called to and, as I began learning in college, what the Theology of the Body asserts is true for both women and men.

We Are All Made in the Image & Likeness of God

The idea that men primarily want sex and women primarily want romance casts all men as predators and all women as frigid and suggests that there is something wrong with a woman who enjoys her sexuality or a man who has a romantic soul. This has always struck me as deeply offensive to the Christian anthropological view. God is a passionate God who seeks nuptial union with us. The Song of Songs demonstrates how God pursues us with an enviable passion. Our Christian mystical tradition sings of the romantic feelings God’s love inspires in both men and women. We are made in God’s image and likeness. It would only be fitting that Christian men and women would be able to respond to each other and to God’s invitation to union with as much joy and fervor as they are both capable of expressing. I have no doubt that men and women express their romantic and sexual love in different and complementary ways but it is difficult for me to imagine how a couple can achieve the heights to which they are called by the Sacrament of Matrimony if one partner is forced to drag the other along in sex, romance, or both. Why would God play such a cruel trick? The answer, of course, is that he wouldn’t. Catholic theology has argued this for quite some time now—especially as articulated through the Theology of the Body. Now science is giving greater weight to those claims.

What the Latest Research Says…

A recent study sought to overcome the difficulties that occur from self-report. When people respond to surveys, they often answer as they think they are supposed to as opposed to how they actually feel. The researchers thought that men and women would feel pressure to conform to the strong stereotyping that exists around male and female attitudes toward intimate relationships, so they developed a way to get past this bias to ascertain how men and women actually felt about sex and romance. They used a test that had participants make snap judgments regarding whether to assign various romantic or sexual words/images to the categories of “pleasant” or “unpleasant.” The design of the study required a quick response that made conscious decision-making difficult if not impossible. Presumably, this forced respondents to reveal their first responses before their judgment and bias could kick in.

What they Found

What they found was that while women did have a stronger reaction to romantic stimuli both men and women valued romance highly. As for preference for sex, the differences did not manifest between the sexes as much as they did between extraverts and introverts. In general, extroverted males and females have stronger sexual preferences and drives than introverted males or females. That makes sense, since extraverts are just more comfortable expressing themselves in every aspect of life and sexual attitudes and behavior merely represent a concentrated version of the person’s values, personality and behavior as a whole. See entire article here.

There is obviously more work to be done on teasing out the real vs. false differences between man and woman, but I, for one, am excited about the new direction of the research in the field of sex and romance and I look forward to seeing whether or not the differences between men and women in these areas are dynamic and subtle as I believe they are. Early reports would suggest that the answer is “yes.”

6 Stages of Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts

Posted on April 25, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Gregory Popcak

The Painful Truth of Addiction

Sex addiction statistics show that 25 million Americans visit cyber-sex sites between 1-10 hours per week. Another 4.7 million in excess of 11 hours per week. (MSNBC/Stanford/Duquesne Study, Washington Times, 1/26/2000). According to Datamonitor, over half of all time spent on the Internet is related to sexual activity, with 30 million people logging on to pornographic Web sites daily. According to some estimates, sex addiction affects about 3-5% of Americans, but that number is also considered to be hopelessly low because it is based upon the number of people who seek treatment, not the probable hundreds of thousands of people who never ever look for help. Of course, this is all terribly devastating to the spouse of the sex addict who is almost always completely surprised by the revelation of the addiction and goes through his or her own stages of healing. There is help though, for people who are ready to heal. Patrick Carnes, who spearheaded most of what we know today about defining and treating sexual addiction, has identified 6 stages of recovery for partners of sex addicts.

6 Stages of Recover

Developing/Pre-discovery—This is where the partner of the sex addict has a sense that something is not right, but she can’t quite put a finger on it. Things aren’t adding up, but she isn’t sure why.

Crisis/Decision/Information Gathering—The truth is out now. Phone records or credit card statements or internet histories or other signs have been discovered. There is no denying that there is a real problem here. The partner will respond by trying to micromanage the addict. It won’t work. This is a good time to involve programs like Sexaholics Anonymous.

Shock—A hopelessness can start to set in as the partner realizes that they have been living with a stranger.

Grief/Ambivalence— The partner begins to mourn the old relationship and the lost innocence. This leads to a new honesty and a new willingness to face what is still good and worth saving in the relationship combined with an honest assessment of the work that needs to be done. This can lead the partner to wonder if its worth going on in the relationship.

Repair—Now the partner commits to the work of healing themselves and the relationship. They are learning how to hold their mate accountable without getting sucked into the drama or the con games. The spouse is honestly seeking treatment and working a program. That makes it safe for the couple to begin working on making the marriage healthy.

Growth— A new honesty and authenticity is blooming in the relationship as the couple relates to each other on a level they never have before. There are still a lot of hard conversations ahead, but each talk brings out something new and good to work with. It can be devastating to find that one’s partner is struggling with their sexuality through porn, adultery or other sexual acting out. But there is hope and healing to be found. And it is worth hanging in there.

Resources

If you would like more information on working to heal a relationship damaged by sexual addictions, contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach today. Call us to get the support you need in this most difficult situation.

Marriage Enemy #1

Posted on April 25, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Gregory Popcak

When Comfort Eclipses Love

People often ask me what the biggest problem affecting marriages is. They usually expect me to say something like, “poor communication”, “infidelity”, “drugs and alcohol” and the like. All of these are important problems, of course and they are, unfortunately, common. But they are not the most common or even the most serious problem undermining marriages in my estimation. In fact, the real problem is what often causes all of these other issues. So, what is the most common marriage problem couples present with? Namely; it is that husbands and wives tend to love their own comfort zones and preferences more than they love each other. There isn’t anything wrong with having preferences and wants. In fact, respecting each other’s preferences and desires is key to a healthy relationship. The problem is a matter of degree. Inevitably, our desires and preferences conflict from time to time. The healthy couple learns a dance that enables them to be sufficiently generous and accommodating in their day to day interactions—even when they are being asked to step outside their comfort zones—that they each don’t mind when the other occasionally needs a break from the self-donation that represents the norm.

By contrast, the less happy couple tends to double-down when one perceives that his or her comfort zone is being threatened. Instead of looking for ways to take care of each other, they get selfish and try to push what they want without regard for how it makes the other feel. Dr Scott Stanley has a great example of this in his description of a couple’s conversation he witnessed:

Long-term love and commitment–and definitely marriage–require long-term, consistent sacrifices one for another. Sure, there are times when we don’t sacrifice (too many of them in most marriages). But I wondered if this incident was part of a pattern. I hope not. If it is a pattern, and they stay together, she’s in for more cold times ahead.

He also describes the antidote to the problem. You can find his entire article here.

Resources

For more ideas to make your marriage great, check out For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage. To find get immediate help with any issues regarding your marriage, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the skills you need to succeed!

Is It Okay if Weâ€¦? Negotiating Sexual Conflict

Posted on April 24, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Gregory K. Popcak

Disagreements about sex are among the most common problems afflicting married couples. Most couples will, at some point in their marriage, find themselves having differences about the frequency of their lovemaking, what positions are acceptable, or what kinds of affection are appropriate. The good news is that Catholics can rely on a few principles that can allow them to have a completely morally respectful yet fully passionate and joyful sexual relationship.

The One Rule

It would be good to begin by clarifying the boundaries that are set by Church teaching and objective moral principles. The Church is actually very generous about what a couple may do in the bedroom. In fact, there is really only One Rule about which married couples need to be mindful. Combining the various official Church teachings, the One Rule might be articulated this way: Every act of lovemaking must be respectful of the dignity of the couple, and must express both an intention for greater unity and an openness to life. To put this concretely, this virtually means that a couple may do whatever they wish as long as they both feel loved and respected and the marital act ends with the man climaxing inside the woman and in the absence of barrier or hormonal contraceptives (condoms, the pill, etc). Everything else is left to the couple’s prudential judgment.

So, You Mean, We Can Do Whatever We Want?

Of course, saying that something is left to the “prudential judgment” of the couple is not quite the same thing as saying “anything goes.” To that end, I would like to propose a few criteria that couples may use to help guide their prudential judgment.

Pleasure Principles: Negotiating Sexual Disputes

Assuming that the One Rule is honored, I would encourage a couple who is struggling with disagreements about their sexual relationship, to resist the temptation to root sexual discussions in their feelings–which may be influenced by many things that have nothing to do either with love or what’s truly in the best interest of each other–and instead consider the following Four Pleasure Principles.

1. There should be continuity between your daily relationship and your sexual relationship.

Too many people think of sex as a pleasurable activity. But Christians view sex as the way one whole and holy person expresses him or herself fully to another whole and holy person. The origins of frustrating or unsatisfying sexual relations often have little to do with sex. If a couple wants to have a more intimate, communicative, joyful, playful, satisfying sexual relationship, they need to begin–not by arguing about sex–but by finding new ways to have a more intimate, communicative, joyful, playful, satisfying marriage. The sexual relationship is a microcosm of the couple’s entire marriage (a scale model of the real thing). When one partner wants to introduce something into the sexual relationship that would be objectively moral but the other partner still finds it objectionable on an emotional level, it often means that new idea seems to require more vulnerability, playfulness, or trust than seems to make sense in the current context of the entire marriage. Couples would do well to address these disagreements, not by arguing directly about the new addition to their sexual repertoire, but–assuming the suggestion does not violate the One Rule–by discussing how they would need to strengthen their day-to-day relationship to make this new addition seem more consistent with the vulnerability, trust, intimacy, partnership, and joy they experience out of the bedroom.

2. While you should never be afraid to explore all the permitted pleasures, you should never be tempted to see each other merely as givers and receivers of pleasure. You must always respect the dignity of each other as persons.

Your spouse is a human being, and although your mate is capable of offering you much comfort and pleasure, your mate is not, nor is he or she ever intended to be, your toy. Any time you are tempted to think of each other merely as givers or receivers of pleasure you are diminishing your mate’s humanity and the dignity of your marital relationship. There are two common ways mates treat each other as givers and receivers of pleasure rather than as persons. The first is when a spouse sees sex as payment for services rendered, for instance, when a husband is a little extra helpful around the house and expects, that night, to be “paid” with sex, pouting or becoming incensed if this doesn’t happen. The second is when a spouse tries to pressure his or her mate into some new sexual position or activity, making the entire relationship about that thing, rather than about love. There are ways to introduce new ideas into the sexual relationship, but emotionally blackmailing one’s spouse is not among those ways. Your mate is a person who deserves your love and service. Sex is a celebration of the partnership. It is neither a right, nor a payment for services rendered.

3. Any sexual positions, items, articles of clothing, manners of speech, or playful actions used to help you achieve the fullness of sexual pleasure should be used in a manner that helps you and your beloved draw closer to each other, not to the thing. Things should never become the primary point of the sexual relationship. Rather, they should be seen as the means you employ to experience the fullness of each other’s love.

Many couples are suspicious of pleasure, but they shouldn’t be. There is an old Jewish proverb that says, “God will hold you accountable for all the permitted pleasures you fail to enjoy.” The Catholic Church has taken this motto to heart. Catholicism is a very sensual faith, known for it’s smells and bells and celebrations. As Catholic poet Hillaire Belloc once wrote, “Wherever the Catholic sun doth shine, there is laughter and music and good red wine!” In that same vein, while respecting the One Rule, Catholic married couples should feel free to celebrate all the permitted pleasures in their sexual relationship. That said, sex is not about staging an event, it is about celebrating love and honoring your spouse. While different positions, lingerie, passionate language, etc. can be things a couple uses to draw closer to each other, these things should never be the focus of the sexual relationship. I often encounter spouses who feel like lovemaking “doesn’t count” unless it includes certain activities, positions, or accoutrements. This is entirely the wrong view. “Working on your sexual relationship” does not mean staging a more exciting event. It means creating a more passionate, loving, joyful, intimate, communicative marriage in which all the permitted pleasures can be freely enjoyed.

4. While a lover’s comfort zones should not be the final arbiter in sexual disputes, feelings related to comfort zones must be respected. A lover’s discomfort is reason enough to delay participating in some sensual activity, even if it is not enough to rule out future participation in that activity entirely. The couple should continue to evaluate all permitted pleasures in the light of the relationship and in a spirit of prayer.

This rule has two sides to it. First, couples should try to not set limits on their sexual relationship that the Church does not set. Too often a spouse will object to some suggestion from their mate, not on objective moral principles–which is their right–but based solely on their comfort or preferences, which could actually be an offense against the generosity required by healthy, happy marriages. That said, a mate’s comfort level should be respected. Even though an individual spouse’s comfort zone shouldn’t be the final deciding factor of whether the couple ever enjoys certain pleasures together, the couple should take a mate’s discomfort about a sexual suggestion seriously. Assuming that the request is not objectively offensive, the couple should ask,” what are the qualities they need to develop in their marriage that would help them integrate this new suggestion more comfortably?” For instance, does a new position require more vulnerability or trust than the couple currently has in each other? What would they need to do to increase that trust an vulnerability in the marriage overall? Does the suggestion require the couple to be more playful than they usually are with each other? What does the couple need to do to increase their experience of joy in the marriage overall?

On the one hand, couples shouldn’t treat an individual spouse’s comfort level as the final say whether a couple can enjoy a particular permitted pleasure. On the other hand, couples should treat that discomfort as a sign that there is work to be done on the marriage before a particular suggestion made in the bedroom would make sense in the context of the marriage. The One Rule, combined with these Four Principles, can help couples find objective criteria to assist them in overcoming the obstacles they face while pursuing the joyful and intimate sexual relationship God and his Church desire for them. Couples who are struggling to apply these principles are encouraged to seek faithful counseling to help them achieve the fullness of their marital intimacy.

For more information on how you and your spouse can come to enjoy all the pleasures God intends for you in your marriage, pick up Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving.

Marriage With A Special Needs Child

Posted on April 24, 2014 by gpopcak

By: PaxCare Staff

“We were like a lot of couples.” Carolyn remarked about her marriage to Tom. “It used to be hard to find time for each other what with work and the boys, but when our Jimmy was diagnosed with profound autism, it was like a bomb went off. Tom just withdrew into work and all my time was taken up taking Jimmy from one doctor to another and trying to keep my other kids’ lives as normal as possible. All of a sudden, the little bit of time Tom and I had was totally gone. Between that and how resentful I feel toward him for leaving everything to me, the tension is terrible. I don’t know where to begin.” Carolyn and Tom are like a lot of families with children who have special needs. According to some research, the divorce rate for couples with special needs kids hovers around 80%. More hopefully, however, other studies indicate that 18% of these couples in this situation say their children have brought them closer together. What’s the difference between the couples who rise to the challenge and those who don’t? Here are some tips.

You’re in it together

Under any circumstances, a couple needs to be a team, but this is rarely as true as when a couple is confronted by the challenges that can come with raising a special needs child. But the challenges can become a blessing if the couple responds to each challenge together. The research is consistent that the marital problems couples may experience in this situation are not so much caused by the time and effort it takes to attend to the child’s needs, but rather from the tendency for couples to retreat into themselves and stop communicating with one another. Make time to pray together and communicate about schedules, feelings, and needs. Be sure to find simple ways to take care of each other. Little actions like saying, “I love you”, calling from work to check-in, and thoughtful gestures that communicate your appreciation for each other are critical to keep up morale and marital rapport. It doesn’t have to take a lot of effort, just thoughtfulness. Making a Lovelist, in which you and your mate identify simple ways to attend to each other (see For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage for more details) can give you simple ideas for the days you are so busy you can’t even think.

Deal honestly with your frustrations

Sometimes parents struggle because their feelings of intense love for their children become intensely complicated with frustration, exhaustion, irritation, resentment over the care that is required of them as well as guilt for feeling anything negative about their child, for whom they would happily give their lives even on their worst day. These negative feelings usually pass soon enough, but couples can help each other manage these emotions by being willing to express them to each other, tolerate them from each other, and nurture each other through those difficult reactions and help each other get back online. It can be frightening to confess these negative feelings to each other, and it can be tempting to want to shut down your mate when they are expressing their frustrations (even when you feel similarly). But couples who find the courage to confess, and listen, are the couples who rise to the challenges they are facing because of each other’s support and love.

Take time for each other

Every couple needs time alone, but it is critical for the parents of a special needs child who need time to process their stress and reconnect. Getting this time can be difficult because finding competent childcare can be a challenge, especially if the child’s disability is serious. But even when date nights out are impossible, it is essential that a couple at least carve out some time at home where they can be alone to play, pray, talk, and be intimate with each other. Studies consistently show that people who deal with stress by reaching out, instead of pulling in, can learn to thrive despite–or even because of–their challenging circumstances. Cling to each other in good times and bad.

Get Assistance and Support

Make a list of the support and resources you feel that you need to help your child achieve his or her potential and to help your marriage and family function at its absolute best. Even if you think it is impossible to meet some of these needs, write them down. Then, don’t be shy about telling everyone you know about these needs–regularly. As Christians, especially, we are privileged to be part of a community that is obliged to respond to one another in generosity and love. Don’t feel that you are burdening others with your requests for babysitting, housekeeping help, respite or support. Renounce the pride that tells you that you shouldn’t trouble other people with your problems or needs. Give others the gift of allowing them to be a gift to you.

Seek Help Quickly

Finally, when you are travelling down the road of raising a special needs child, you can’t afford a breakdown. Seek assistance at the first sign that you are experience a spiritual, emotional, or relational problem that you aren’t sure how to get through on your own. Most disabilities have national organizations dedicated to researching treatments and supporting families. Contact them early, and become involved in your local chapter and any support groups, social outlets or advocacy opportunities they offer. Additionally, make sure that you are getting regular spiritual direction, and even if your family is doing well, strike up a relationship with a counselor you can trust so that if you need an answer to a quick parenting question or require a marital adjustment, you don’t have to spend weeks looking for competent help. Prior planning helps assure that help will be available right when you need it. Call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and let us help you find the solutions to the difficult problems you are facing. Call and get the skills you need to succeed in your marriage and family.

First Year Marriage Survival Guide

Posted on April 23, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory K. Popcak

You said, “I do.” Now comes the Happily Ever After part. Right? Well, not to rain on the reception or anything, but you and Prince Charming there might want to read this before you ride off into the sunset in your enchanted carriage. Don’t get upset. This is not one of those, “You said, ‘I do’ and now you’re doomed” articles. I promise. I am a firm believer that fantastic, yes fantastic, marriages are absolutely within in the grasp of almost every couple. BUT (and you knew that was coming, right?) there are a few things you might want to start doing to make sure that you not only make it past your first year, but all the way to Happily Ever After. And for all of you “We’ve been married FOREVER so this doesn’t apply to us” couples, you might want to just check that conspiratorial smile because you might just learn something too. The truth is, what helps couples survive the first few years of marriage are the same things that help couples survive the next fifty years as well. The problem is that most couples have to figure out what I’m going to share with you on their own. Now, you won’t have to. (You’re welcome.) Although we can’t cover all the rules for a Happily Ever After marriage, we can at least hit some of the most important points. Ready?

1) You MUST Learn to Pray Together. Now.

First things first. You are in a Christian marriage. That’s supposed to be a marriage founded on Christ. But you can’t have a Christian marriage without couple prayer. Period. If you pray on your own, that’s great. That’s essential for your personal Christian walk. But if you aren’t praying WITH your partner, then you are not learning God’s plan for your marriage. It often happens that I talk to a couple who are praying on their own but not together. The husband will say, “I really believe that God wants THIS for our marriage.” The wife will then say that when she prays, she feels God wants the opposite for their marriage. Who’s right? More often than not, they both are. See, God’s sneaky. He wants the couple to talk and pray together, so sometimes, he will give one piece of the picture to the husband and a completely different piece of the picture to the wife. Then he expects that they will talk and pray together so that he can teach them how to fit the two pieces together to make a completely new picture. Problems enter when husbands and wives don’t pray together and think that their piece is the whole picture. It rarely ever is. The whole point of Christian marriage is having someone who can be a helpmate in sorting our God’s plan for your lives together. Even if you feel awkward at first, save yourself years of confusion and grief by learning to pray together now so that you can discover early in your relationship how to discern God’s plan for your lives together.

2) Arguing is Normal and Healthy (but how you do it makes all the difference)

Here is a fact that may surprise you. Thirty years of research by Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington has found that happy couples and unhappy couples argue about the same amount. Furthermore, Dr. Gottman discovered, and many other studies have confirmed, that for both happy and unhappy couples, almost 70% of disagreements between husbands and wives never get resolved. That means that not only do happy and unhappy couples argue the same amount, but also both happy and unhappy couples have about an equal success rate at solving their problems. So what does separate the two groups? The bottom line is respect. Happy couples manage conflict and disagreement better than unhappy couples. They treat each other with respect even in disagreements. They work hard to take care of each other even when they are angry at each other. They tend not to criticize or blame their partner as much when problems come up. And finally, they tend to not pout, stonewall (i.e, shut down and refuse to talk), or behave contemptuously (by tantrumming or by lecturing) as much as their unhappy counterparts when conflicts occur. In short, having a conflict is natural. Being unable to resolve many of those conflicts is even natural. But approaching conflict in a way that makes either of you feel demeaned, ignored, or humiliated is most certainly not natural and is always an early warning sign. In fact, the presence of the negative traits I described above predict, with 95% accuracy, which couples will be together and which will be divorced within five years. If you or your partner are engaging in these sorts of behaviors, change now, or get the help you need to make the changes.

3) Establish Rituals to Distinguish You as a Couple.

In the early years of marriage. Couples tend to take their time together for granted. They just have each other so they tend assume they will always have time for their marriage. Not so. This is the time to establish those rituals like a scheduled time to discuss your relationship, couple prayer-time, regular meals together, one day a week that will be your “family day” (the day you go out just with each other and later with your kids too), and regular date times. You will also need to establish your own traditions around the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Don’t wait until your marriage has been squeezed out of the picture by life, kids, work, friends, and extended family. Establish the rituals that protect the integrity of your marriage now when you don’t have as many pressures to attend to.

4) Commit to ongoing Relationship Formation.

In any pursuit you need ongoing training and support to be good at it and stay good at it. Make a regular commitment to read good, faithful books on marriage and family life, to attend talks and conferences. Make a Marriage Encounter weekend. Lead a Marriage Made for Heaven Marriage enrichment group for your parish or your friends. Join Teams of Our Lady. Whatever you do, the point is you can’t have a great, faithful marriage without the ongoing support of other great, faithful couples and resources. Make that commitment to growth now in the early years and you will watch your relationship become stronger with time. The challenges that couples face in the early years are the same challenges every couple faces at every stage of the marital life cycle. As the old saying goes, it is proper planning that prevents poor performance. Take the time you have now to establish those patterns and habits that will help you create the kind of marriage that make everyone else you know want to learn your secret.

Healing The Broken Covenant: Recovering from Infidelity

Posted on April 23, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Gregory Popcak

Infidelity is a fairly common problem. Various studies show that infidelity affects between 20%-25% of all marriages. Although presumably less frequent with couples who practice Natural Family Planning, affairs still happen. It can feel like a double failure when one has double burden of putting the pieces back together and the burden of wondering, “Why didn’t what was ‘supposed to happen’ happen for us?”

What Causes It?

Whether an affair is purely emotional or becomes sexual, it can have a devastating effect on a marriage. Most people think that marital dissatisfaction causes affairs, but not all struggling couples experience infidelity. Other variables must come into play. A recent study found that when a spouse is both unhappy in a marriage and exhibits either low self-esteem and/or a tendency to be easily given to feelings of anger and despair, that spouse is at significantly higher risk for having an affair. Pregnancy also adds to the risk.

Relationship as Self-Medication

The cheating spouse, generally speaking, is someone who is not very good at (a) making needs known in relationship, (b) following-through on advocating for those needs even if they do manage to articulate them, and (c) usually avoids interpersonal conflict. Such a spouse may say to his or her mate, “I would really like X.” But if the mate doesn’t immediately jump up and down and say, “Oh, yes! That sounds like a wonderful idea!” the spouse who made the request will usually give up and assume that the mate doesn’t care to meet his or her needs. Multiply this interaction by thousands of times over the course of several years, and the spouse who consistently gives up much and too easily begins getting depressed because he or she feels powerless to get any of his or her needs met in the marital relationship. Over time, the depression and frustration builds and the spouse, who blames his or her mate for being “insensitive” feels almost driven to seek someone else who can make him or her feel better. The affair, then, is primarily an attempt to self-medicate for an underlying depression.

Recovery

When infidelity is discovered, the couple often thinks that simply calling off the extramarital relationship, being generally nicer to each other, and going out on more regular dates will solve all their problems. But if this is all the couple does to address their issues, the couple runs an extraordinarily high of dooming the marriage either to another affair down the line, or divorce, as the wounded mate’s unresolved and squelched pain festers. Couples can resolve the problems related to infidelity and go on to have an outstanding relationship. According to research, upwards of 20% of couples who presently report high levels of marital happiness have at one time in their past weathered infidelity, but it takes real work. Assuming the extramarital relationship is over, successfully recovering from an affair involves the following steps that usually require the support of a competent therapist to negotiate effectively.

1. Confession

I do, of course, mean the Sacrament of Confession, but I also mean confession to the wounded spouse. The wounded spouse has a right to all the information about the affair that he or she wishes to have. The wounded spouse should never be put in the position of pulling information out of the cheater. The offending spouse must willingly offer all the details and information the wounded spouse wishes to hear. While forgiveness is absolutely essential to recovery, the wounded spouse cannot forgive what he or she does not know. Full confession is not only good for the soul, it is essential for reconciliation of the marriage.

2. Rebuilding the Marriage

In this step, the couple must work to create a marriage that is far better than they
have ever experienced before. They will need to spend more time on the marriage than they are used to. They will need to spend time each evening reviewing what they have done to attend to each other’s spiritual and emotional needs. They will need to be honest with each other about their needs and learn ways to keep arguments productive. Returning to the way things were before is not an option because the wounded spouse believed everything was fine then. If things just go back to the way things were, the wounded spouse will always wonder if what he or she missed the first time is still happening. In order to overcome the suspicion, the marriage cannot be just like it was. It must become better than it has ever been.

3. The Offending Spouse Must Address His or Her Personal Problems

This is the hardest step. The offending spouse, being conflict-avoidant and fearing vulnerability, just wants to have a superficially happy relationship and leave his or hatred of conflict and difficulties being emotionally vulnerable out of it. But remember, these are the problems that actually caused the affair in the first place. If the couple only had marital problems but not these other issues in the offending spouse’s personality, then the couple would simply have worked out their problems directly. But because the offending spouse didn’t know how to address disappointment and frustrations directly–and still doesn’t–the couple remains at high risk for repeating the cycle in the future, regardless of what the offending spouse might say today.

4. Overcome Irrational Fears, Doubts and Guilt that Remain.

Even after the marriage is better than ever and the offending spouse is more open and competent at conflict management and vulnerable than ever, lingering doubts may still remain in the wounded spouse and persistent feelings of unworthiness and guilt may afflict the offending spouse. The couple may need the benefit of cognitive therapy strategies to help them learn how to evaluate and resolve these irrational and undesirable emotional roadblocks to full recovery.

Healing Is Possible

As I mentioned at the outset, making a full recovery from infidelity is certainly possible, but it is never a do-it-yourself project. Infidelity is marital cancer that requires competent, multi-stage, multi-modal treatment by a marriage-friendly therapist. Additionally, organizations such as Retrouvaille can offer peer support as an adjunct (though NEVER a replacement) to competent marital counseling. Regardless of where you turn for help, know that there is healing for your injured heart and troubled marriage. Faithfully work at the recovery tasks in front of you, and trust that the Lord will guide you to the peace and wholeness that is your right to expect from your marriage.

If your marriage has been wounded by infidelity, don’t wait, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and let us provide the support you need in your struggles. Call us to get the skills you need to succeed in your marriage.

Surviving Perimenopause: A Guide for Couples.

Posted on April 23, 2014 by gpopcak

Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D.

“We’re cracking up.”

“For me,” remarks Eileen, “I get upset when he’s (her husband) upset. It isn’t as if I’m loving this. It just adds to the stress of it all if I feel like I’m letting him down. Plus, I’m frustrated too. Sometimes I don’t feel like he gets that I miss our sex life too. I just can’t wait for the whole thing (menopause) to be over with.”

Perimenopause is the time, prior to halting ovulation altogether, that a woman’s cycle can become erratic due to the occurrence of hormonal imbalances and fluctuations. In a sense, perimenopause is the flip side of adolescence in that it occasions the ceasing of ovulatory function and it can begin anywhere from a woman’s mid-30’s into her 50’s. Because of the erratic cycles and confusing fertility signs that can accompany perimenopause, this can be a particularly challenging time for couples. The good news is that there are a few things couples can do to make this time much less frustrating and far more loving.

1. Get Some Training

Fortunately, the Couple to Couple League (CCL) offers a new pre-menopause class that can help couples make sense of the challenging experiences a couple can go through during perimenopause. Gone are the days when couples might experience months or even years of abstinence during this transitional phase of life. The art and science of NFP has evolved to the point that the symptoms of perimenopause can be decoded and understood so that couples don’t have to experience the burden of extended abstinence. For more information, couples should contact the Couple to Couple League to learn how they can continue to cultivate the love their marriage deserves even during this difficult time.

2. Pray Together.

I regularly recommend that couples pray together, but perimenopause is a time when couples can really benefit from an extra infusion of grace. Coming before the Lord together to express their mutual pain frustration or irritation with their bodies, their sexuality and their relationship can be a powerful exercise in joining together through a challenging time. When a couple can be honest in front of God and each other about the struggles that each are facing, they often can develop a remarkable degree of empathy and compassion for each other and those are two qualities couples can never have enough of.

3. Be in it Together

Perhaps the biggest challenge–second only to the physiological challenges of perimenopause–is the tendency for couples to turn on each other. The husband can allow his frustration to turn into resentment and anger at his wife. The wife can allow her frustration (with her body and her sexuality as well as with her husband’s apparent lack of sympathy) to turn into resentment and anger at her husband. There is a saying among marriage counselors. “Your partner is not the problem. The problem is the problem.” In this case, that means couples must resist the temptation to think of perimenopause as something YOU (spouse) are doing to ME. Instead couples need to think of perimenopause as a disorder that has symptoms that affect the entire marital body–husband and wife. The wife may experience one set of symptoms (physical, emotional, relational) and the husband may experience some of the same (emotional/relational) symptoms as his wife plus a few others of his own. Regardless, they are all symptoms of the same problem that they husband and wife must fight against together.

One important way a husband and wife can be there for each other through this time is by agreeing not to take each other’s feeling personally. Both husband and wife should feel free to talk about their individual frustration, anger, resentment, or irritation without fear that their spouse will take it personally because there is a mutual understanding that the couple is not frustrated, angry, resentful, or irritated with each other. Rather, they are frustrated, angry, resentful, or irritated at perimenopause and what it is putting them through. The more couples given into the temptation to make this experience personal, the more painful the experience will be. But when a husband and wife find that they can confess the feelings they aren’t proud of to each other and get a sympathetic ear instead of condemnation, they can transform a challenging time in their marriage into the fire that refines their love for one another.

4. Husbands Be There for Your Wives

As much as it is important to be there for each other, the fact is that it is the woman who is dealing with the worst of it. After all, she is the one experiencing the physical symptoms of perimenopause. A husband needs to cultivate the mindset that allows him to be a support to his wife who may be experiencing mood swings, sleep problems, and temperature fluctuations, to name but a few of the most common symptoms. “What can I do for you, Honey?” Should be asked sincerely and often. Better yet, make a list of the things you know your wife appreciates and start doing them without her having to ask. You don’t have to tiptoe around the house like you’re living with a timebomb (she won’t appreciate it) but the more attentive you can be to your wife’s needs, the more she will see you as an ally through this challenging time instead of treating you like an enemy.

5. Inventory Your Relationship

This is also a great time to take stock of your marriage. Perimenopause often occurs around the same time that a couple is launching their oldest children. Couples should take some time for each other. Make a marriage retreat. Read good books on marriage improvement together. Get some counseling–not because there is necessarily a problem, but to prevent problems from emerging and catching you off guard. By taking time to double-down on your investment in your marriage, you are sending a powerful message to each other that you are committed to building a marriage, rooted in Christ, sustained by grace, and confirmed though your own hard work that not even the gates of…well, menopause can stand against.

If you and your spouse are struggling with the challenges set forth by perimenopause, contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach today to get the solutions to the problems you are experiencing. Call us and get the skills you need to succeed!