The One Little Habit That Keeps Marriages Strong

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They say, “Go big or go home.” But when it comes to keeping a marriage strong, that’s not always the best approach. In fact, sometimes it’s not even possible.

Take Marianne and Christopher. He is dealing with his second bout of cancer after suffering two strokes in the past year. Meanwhile, Marianne is working long days to support their family, including several children at home. At the end of the day, both of them are exhausted.

Marianne called in to a recent episode of More2Life to ask hosts Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak about how she and Christopher could stay connected as a couple, given their stressful circumstances.

Their situation is dramatic, but it’s not uncommon. Between full-time jobs and other family responsibilities, many couples face a similar dilemma: How do you stay close when all your time and energy is going to other responsibilities?

The Popcaks didn’t hand Marianne a grand plan; in fact, their advice was the very opposite of “go big.”

Why Small Gestures Matter

People often think that it’s the grand gestures that keep romance alive in a marriage: gifts, going out, romantic gestures. But relationship research has found that it’s the small, everyday turns toward each other, not the grand gestures, that most reliably predict which marriages last.

It’s not that the grand gestures don’t matter, but they are not as important as those small, everyday acts. Small and frequent beats big and rare, which is good news for tired couples.

Start by Reaching Out to God

Whatever challenge or stressful situation you might be facing in your marriage, the Popcaks recommend that you bring it to God before doing anything else.

“God has a plan for how he wants us to get through these things,” Dr. Greg told Marianne. “We can’t figure it out just by waking up in the morning and pointing ourselves at the day and trying our best. We have to start by saying, ‘Okay, Lord, teach us what to do. How do we show up for each other in this?’”

God wants to support you in your vocation to marriage, and pausing to pray opens the door for his grace to work more effectively in your situation.

The Popcaks offered a simple prayer template that couples can modify as needed: “Lord, help us get through this in a way that draws us closer to each other and to you. Help us be our best selves, and grow closer to one another and to you.”

Trade the Blueprint for a Simple Question

Prayer comes first. But couples still need something concrete for tired days.

Rather than a grand blueprint or strategy, the Popcaks suggest one question, asked daily: “What’s one small thing we could do to show up for each other today?”

In other words, what little things can you do for one another that are going to make you feel supported and connected? That small question does a lot to keep relationships strong, even on the hardest days.

“It can feel kind of like a big question at first,” Dr. Greg said, noting that sometimes it leaves couples stumped. Don’t settle for “I don’t know”! Take some time to really think about the little gestures that, in the past, have made you or your spouse feel supported and loved.

“I’m talking about tiny things,” Dr. Greg said: getting each other a cup of coffee, cleaning something up, putting something away.

Some couples even keep a running list of these small acts that make a big difference; that’s the idea behind the Love Lists exercise pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac often recommends.

It is also important that the question be asked and answered reciprocally. It could be tempting for Marianne to simply ask Christopher, since he’s the one who’s struggling more. But strong marriages are grounded in mutual self-giving, meaning that it’s important for each person to reach out to the other (with plenty of grace for someone’s limitations).

This simple daily practice may seem trivial, but the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com have seen it transform relationships.

“It gives you that thing to really work toward and hold onto,” Lisa said, “knowing that even in that one small way, you’re serving each other in your marriage.”

A Stronger Marriage, One Small Step at a Time

Before ending the call, the Popcaks prayed over Marianne and Christopher by name, asking the Lord for Christopher’s healing and the intercession of St. Peregrine, patron of cancer patients.

But Marianne and Christopher aren’t waiting for their circumstances to improve before they reconnect. And you don’t need to wait, either, for a lighter schedule or an easier year; you can begin working on a stronger marriage now. You just need one small thing today, and the willingness to ask again tomorrow.

For more faith-filled tools for building a stronger marriage, check out Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage or How To Heal Your Marriage (and Nurture Lasting Love) which is also now available on Audible! 

And if exhaustion has made it hard to feel close to your spouse, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

To End the Chore Wars, Go Deeper Than Deciding Who Does What

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More than half of married adults say sharing the load of household work is very important to a successful marriage, according to a 2016 Pew Research survey. Yet nearly half of married couples say that responsibility for work around the house is split unevenly in their marriage.

Since chores are one of the leading causes of conflict in marriage, figuring out how to share the load matters. But as Dr. Greg Popcak points out, reducing conflict around chores is about more than balancing out how much each person does. It’s about something most couples have never talked about: emotional labor.

The 10 percent problem

“Doing the task is only about 10 percent of the actual task,” Dr. Popcak explained in a recent episode of his BeDADitudes podcast.

Think about what actually goes into getting something done. There’s the task itself — and then there’s everything that surrounds it: noticing the task needs doing, making a plan, gathering what’s needed, scheduling the time, following through, and making sure it stays done. That surrounding work is emotional labor.

In most households, emotional labor falls unevenly, with women usually (but not always) carrying most of the mental load. Often, the person doing the emotional labor can’t fully explain why they feel overburdened. They just know that even when their spouse “helps,” they’re still the one who had to notice, plan, and direct everything. In effect, that person has an extra job as the “general contractor” for the household.

“We’ve been socialized to think it’s one person’s responsibility to do the emotional labor,” Dr. Popcak said, “and the other person’s job to show up when told to do something. That’s really not the Christian view of household labor.”

More than checking boxes

Christian family life calls every member of the household — not just one person — to practice prompt, generous, consistent, and cheerful attention to each other’s needs. (Readers familiar with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Liturgy of Domestic Church Life will recognize this as one of twelve foundational practices for a healthy, holy family.)

The goal is to really “show up” for one another — cluing in to what the household and the people in it actually need, and contributing to that without waiting to be asked. Waiting to be told what to do, staying focused on our own corner of the house, or checking out after our assigned tasks are done amounts to the vice of sloth, Dr. Popcak said.

“Sloth isn’t necessarily laziness,” he said. “It’s the checking out. It’s not engaging with the things right in front of us.”

That inattention, however unintentional, damages relationships over time.

Building the Kingdom of God, One Sock at a Time

On the other hand, showing up, noticing what needs to be done, and then following through is a very real part of Christians’ responsibility to build the Kingdom of God.

“It’s not enough for the Christian person to be told what to do,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian person really needs to recognize what needs to be done and how I can use this moment to build the kingdom of God.”

Building the kingdom of God means doing what we can to cooperate with God’s grace and to undo the damage that sin does to our relationships with one another. “That’s what building the kingdom is because the kingdom is built on relationship,” Dr. Popcak said.

We tend to think of building the Kingdom of God in terms of “big” acts of charity. But noticing that the laundry needs putting away or that the dishes need to be done and then taking the lead on that is just as much part of building the Kingdom of God as bigger, more visible work like establishing hospitals and housing programs. The ultimate goal of both types of work is the same: sharing God’s love in a way that restores and strengthens relationships.

With that in mind, here are three simple ways to start shifting your family’s mindset around household work.

1. Scan before you sit

When you walk into a room, take five seconds to look around before settling in. Is there something small that needs doing? Maybe it’s a dirty cup on the counter or a child who looks like she’s had a rough afternoon.

You don’t have to act on everything you notice. The goal is simply to pay attention — to cultivate the habit of awareness rather than waiting for someone else to flag what needs doing.

2. Leave every room a little better than you found it

Dr. Popcak suggests adopting the old scouting principle of leaving your campsite better than you found it. Applied at home, that might mean wiping down the sink when you leave the bathroom, putting something away as you pass through the kitchen, or picking up what’s on the floor before you leave the bedroom.

Small contributions, made consistently by everyone in the household, add up to a home that doesn’t depend on any one person’s constant vigilance.

3. Leave every person a little better than you found them

The campsite principle applies to people, too.

“Am I leaving the people I encounter a little better than I found them?” Dr. Popcak asks. Offering to help, giving a hug, saying a word of encouragement all counts.

At this level, emotional labor is more than household management. When our attention to the household extends to the people in it, work stops being transactional and starts being relational — which is exactly what God intends it to be.

For more help building a stronger, more connected home, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. And if you’d like ongoing support for your family life, join the community of Catholic parents at CatholicHŌM, where you can also connect with Dr. Popcak and his team of expert pastoral counselors.

Marriage Is About So Much More Than “Who’s the Boss?”

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Mary Beth’s husband is, by most measures, a good man: hardworking, generous, and devoted to his family.

“But there’s another side of him that I’m struggling with,” she wrote in an email to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “Whenever I or one of the kids tries to raise a concern or if I gently suggest that he could have handled a situation differently, he explodes. He accuses me of disrespecting him, of trying to take over, of not honoring him as the head of the family. The conversation stops being about whatever the actual issue was and becomes about defending himself.”

Friends in her Bible study suggested that she stop criticizing him. “I don’t want to criticize him,” her letter continued. “I want to connect with him. But I’m starting to shut down emotionally and I don’t know how to reach him without setting him off. Is there a loving way forward here, or am I the problem?”

‘Be Subject to One Another’

The problem isn’t with Mary Beth, but with some common misunderstandings about what it means to be “head of the family” — and what true love really looks like.

A recent study found that 31 percent of Gen Z men — double the rate of boomers — believe wives should obey their husbands in all things. The trend may be connected with the wider movement to get back to more “traditional” values.

Among Christians, the belief that wives should submit to their husbands in all things often has its roots in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior” (5:21-23).

But the way that passage is sometimes interpreted is more idolatrous than Christian, the Popcaks said in their response to Mary Beth.

“Headship is not about bossing your wife and kids around,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s about setting the tone for service and spirituality in the home.”

To understand what genuine headship looks like, Dr. Popcak suggests looking to the role of the priest at Mass. The priest doesn’t dictate to the congregation — he presides in a way that makes the ordinary holy and draws everyone into a deeper relationship with God.

“The pagan vision of headship is autocratic and top-down: do what I say,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian vision is really liturgical. It’s about facilitating encounters with Christ in my home, making the faith the source of the warmth in my home, and being the servant leader who shows my family what it means to live sacrificial love.”

This isn’t a new idea. St. John Paul II offers a similar understanding in Familiaris Consortio: “Authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: ‘You are not her master,’ writes St. Ambrose, ‘but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife…. Reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love’” (#25).

And the pope was even more direct in his Theology of the Body catechesis on Ephesians 5:21-23: “The mutual relations of husband and wife should flow from their common relationship with Christ,” the pope said. “Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband, an object of unilateral domination.”

Real Love Works for the Good of the Other

What does this mean for someone like Mary Beth? When Dr. and Lisa Popcak addressed her question on air, they affirmed her desire for a “loving way forward,” but with some important clarifications.

First, Dr. Popcak explained that as much as her husband may mean well, he “learned growing up that it wasn’t okay to ever be wrong.” As a result, rather than using spiritual resources for the good of the family, he used them to defend himself.

Second, the Popcaks pointed out that accommodating his woundedness wasn’t really loving him. Real love means working for the good of the other, and in this case, that means inviting him to grow in wholeness and holiness.

Dr. Popcak suggested a basic script for that message: “I love you and I realize you’re trying to do your best. I’m not the enemy here, and neither are the kids. But you’re treating us like we are. And I love you too much to let that go on any longer…. So either we can work this out, you and I, or we can work this out with a counselor, but we’re going to work it out because I love you too much to let this continue any longer because it’s poisoning the family.”

That’s not necessarily an easy or comfortable conversation. Dr. Popcak said that many of his clients veer away from such a direct, honest call to conversion. But that’s a mistake.

As Lisa Popcak put it: “Saying ‘I just wish you’d stop’ is not prophetic. It doesn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t come from a place of godly strength.”

The message has to be clear—and it has to come from love, not fear.

What True Headship Looks Like

The sort of headship that demands “submission in all things” is more akin to idolatry than genuine fidelity to the Gospel. For husbands genuinely trying to lead their families well, Dr. Popcak offers the following advice.

  •  Lead toward Christ, not toward yourself. Your role is to draw your wife and children into a deeper relationship with God. When you position yourself as the one everyone must tiptoe around, you’ve made yourself the center rather than Christ.
  •  Facilitate, don’t dictate. “If you’re the chairman of the board, you don’t dictate the agenda,” Dr. Popcak said. “You facilitate the conversation by which decisions happen together.”
  • Take point in the spiritual life of the home. Initiate family prayer, lead conversations of depth, and model sacrificial service — don’t wait for your wife to carry the spiritual weight of the household.
  •  Welcome correction. A man secure in his identity as a beloved son of God doesn’t need to be right all the time. When his wife or children say that something hurt them, his first response is humility — not defense.

The Catholic vision of the family roots the relationship between the spouses in their mutual obedience to Christ. Fulfilling that vision doesn’t diminish either spouse’s authority, but roots it in Christ. When both spouses understand that they are called to mutual submission, mutual service, and mutual love, their marriage can become what it was always meant to be: a living sign of Christ’s love for his Church.

For more on leading your family with sacrificial love, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book The Be-DAD-itudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad. And for one-on-one support with difficult marriage dynamics, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Want a Stronger Relationship? Try ‘Love Lists’

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Once upon a time, an engaged couple came to their pastoral counselor with a problem: Each said the other wasn’t showing them any love. At the same time, each protested that they expressed love for the other all the time.

“Je lui montre mon amour tout le temps!” the woman said.

“Jag visar henne min kärlek hela tiden!” the man said.

“I think I see the problem,” the pastoral counselor said. “One of you speaks French and the other speaks Swedish. Have you ever tried saying ‘I love you’ in the other person’s language?”

While this little fable is fictional, Rachael Isaac encounters couples struggling with a similar problem all the time.

“A lot of couples I work with will say, ‘Well, my love language is physical affection, so that’s how I’m loving you,’” says Isaac, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. “But the other person is like, ‘Yeah, but my love language is acts of service… and I don’t feel loved by you.’”

The popular concept of “love languages” says that people have a preferred way of expressing and receiving affection—things like words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gift‑giving. The idea is that everyone tends to “speak” one or two of these more fluently, and relationships feel stronger when partners understand and respond to each other’s preferred styles.

The problem is that we often give what we most want to receive. If our preferred way of expressing love is to perform acts of service, we might focus on cleaning out the garage, taking out the garbage, washing up the dishes, or doing the bills. But if physical affection is what makes the other person feel most cared for, they may not “hear” our expressions of love and care.

“We get stuck in our own comfort zone,” Rachael says. “I’m telling you ‘I love you’ in the way that’s comfortable for me, but telling you ‘I love you’ in that way that you’re asking me to—that’s not comfortable for me, so I don’t want to do that.”

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone!

Miscommunication, friction, and conflict are inevitable in any human relationship. But in the Catholic theology of marriage, friction and conflict isn’t necessarily bad. In fact, it is an opportunity for each spouse to grow in holiness, to become more fully the person God made them to be.

Someone who wasn’t raised with a lot of physical affection might feel deeply uncomfortable expressing it. Similarly, someone who isn’t used to expressing lots of words of affirmation might balk at the invitation to go there.

But the choice to step out of our comfort zone in order to show love and care for our spouse is a profound and very real act of love. Moreover, when we step out of our comfort zone in this way, we nurture the parts of ourselves that might be underdeveloped.

“If I make that conscious effort to get out of my comfort zone and lean into that other person’s needs, that helps me become more of the whole person that God created me to be,” Rachael says.

‘Love Lists’ Help Couples Learn How to Care for One Another

When she works with couples who struggle to hear one another’s love languages, Rachael often suggests a simple exercise that she calls “Love Lists.” This exercise, which comes from Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage, asks each spouse to create a list of specific ways their partner could make them feel loved.

Here’s how it works:

1. Create a list of what makes you feel loved

Start by writing down up to twenty specific actions, words, or gestures that would make you feel genuinely loved and appreciated. Invite your spouse to do the same, writing down specific actions, words, or gestures that you can do to make them feel loved and cared for.

Be concrete. Instead of “spend time with me,” try “take a twenty-minute walk with me after dinner” or “sit next to me on the couch while we watch a show together.” The goal is specificity—things your spouse can actually do, not vague feelings they should conjure.

Many people struggle with this step, Rachael says, because they lack self-awareness about what makes them feel loved. If that’s you, then start with seven items on your list. You and your spouse can build out your lists as time goes on.

2. Practice daily

Once you’ve both completed your lists, swap them. If you like, you can post them somewhere that will offer a visual reminder.

Now comes the practical part: each spouse commits to doing one item from their partner’s list every single day. “Both spouses are making that conscious effort to learn each other’s language, to speak each other’s language,” Rachael says.

It’s okay if things don’t turn out perfectly every day. The important thing is for each person to make a real effort.

3. Every day, share when you felt loved

At the end of the day, take a few minutes to connect. Rachael suggests asking two specific questions:

  • “What was a moment today where I felt most loved or connected?”
  •  “What is one thing I can do for you tomorrow that would make your day a little easier?”

This daily review keeps the conversation ongoing and prevents the list from becoming a stagnant “chore chart.” It creates a feedback loop—you learn what resonates most deeply with your spouse, and they learn the same about you. Over time, you become fluent in each other’s love languages.

From Resentment to Empowerment

Couples who follow through with this activity often report a shift from frustration to a feeling of empowerment, Rachael says: communicating your needs to one another is the first step toward having a closer, richer relationship.

This exercise can also build your own self-awareness. Many people don’t actually know what makes them feel loved until they are forced to write it down, Rachael says. By identifying those needs and learning to meet the needs of their spouse, both people grow in virtue.

“You’re not only building up your marriage,” she says, “but you’re also becoming more of the person God made you to be.”

If you and your spouse are struggling to connect or if you simply want to take your relationship to the next level, start your love lists today. For more personalized support in strengthening your marriage, reach out to Rachael Isaac and the team of professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Why They Keep Bringing Up the Past (And How to Stop the Cycle)

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It starts with something small—a forgotten chore, a missed text, a minor disagreement about dinner plans. But before you know it, you’re hearing about that time you were late to their birthday party three years ago, or how you “always” do this particular thing that drives them crazy. What began as a simple conversation has become an exhausting replay of every conflict you’ve ever had.

If this sounds familiar, the good news is that you’re probably not dealing with someone who’s simply being unfair or manipulative. According to Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, there’s a predictable psychological reason why people drag the past into present conflicts—and once you understand it, you can learn to break the cycle.

The key isn’t defending yourself with facts or logic. It’s recognizing that when someone brings up old wounds, they’re not really arguing about the chore you forgot or the ice cream you finished off. They’re telling you that something deeper is happening, and they need a completely different kind of response.

It Started with Soured Laundry…

A recent caller to Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s More2Life radio show brought up exactly this situation.

During eight years of marriage, Bill made a conscious effort to meet his wife’s needs and requests. So when she went to visit her sister one weekend, he decided to clean out their chaotic garage, a task that she had asked him to tackle.

By Sunday evening, the garage was cleaned up and organized. But in the middle of all that work, he’d forgotten one small thing: moving a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. By the time his wife returned at the end of the weekend, the clothes had soured.

When she got home and discovered it, she “lost it,” accusing him of never helping around the house and not respecting her. It didn’t matter that he’d just spent the weekend on a major household project.

This incident had become all too familiar in their relationship. “Whenever my wife and I have an argument over something, she brings up a mistake or a slight that I’ve made in the past that might be slightly related to the present argument, but she uses it to prove that I’m ‘always’ against her or that I’ll never change,” Bill said. “It’s defeating, I feel run down, I don’t feel particularly loved, and I don’t know how to get her to break this habit.”

Why Your Good Points Don’t Matter (In the Moment)

A good starting point for addressing this dynamic in a relationship is to understand where the other person is coming from.

First off, it’s helpful to know that when someone’s emotional temperature spikes, their thinking brain goes “offline.” In the midst of this emotional flooding, the person’s “child self” takes over.

Second, when someone habitually brings up past issues, they are often tapping into every similar disappointment they’ve ever felt, Lisa Popcak said—sometimes stretching back to childhood experiences that have nothing to do with you at all.

In this state, your logical arguments feel dismissive of them. If Bill pointed to the clean garage to prove he wasn’t “always” failing her, his wife probably wouldn’t hear “Look how much I care about you,” but “Your feelings don’t matter” and “You’re being unreasonable.”

That’s why the pattern escalates. The more you defend with logic, the more emotionally flooded your partner becomes. And the more flooded they get, the further back they reach for evidence that supports how they’re feeling right now.

Dr. Greg acknowledged that this can be really frustrating; many people wonder, “Well, if I can’t respond to what the person’s actually saying, then what am I supposed to do?”

The Empathy-First Response That Actually Works

The Popcaks recommend a completely different approach: respond to the feelings first, not the accusations. Then, gently redirect the conversation toward finding solutions.

For example, instead of pointing to his work on the garage (a defensive move), Bill might say: “I can tell you’re really frustrated right now, and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. What can we do together to get to a better place right now?”

This pivot from defensiveness toward empathy and solutions probably won’t have an immediate effect, the Popcaks note. But acknowledging the other person’s emotions and asking them to pivot to shared solutions at least keeps the argument from escalating.

“You’re not arguing back,” Dr. Greg told Bill. “You’re not trying to discount what she’s saying. You’re just validating the fact that she’s in a bad place and that you’re sorry that she’s there and you want to work with her to help her feel better.”

If the other person continues to be emotionally flooded and keeps bringing up past grievances, keep gently acknowledging their feelings and redirecting toward problem-solving.

This approach does something powerful: it validates the person’s emotional experience without accepting blame for things you didn’t do wrong. You’re not agreeing that you “never help” or that you’re “always like this.” You’re simply acknowledging that they’re in pain and offering to work together toward a solution.

Building a Buffer Against Old Wounds

While this “pivot towards solutions” is useful in the heat of a conflict, the Popcaks also suggest two other practices to prevent this unhealthy cycle from happening again.

Debrief and Plan

Once you’ve navigated a tense exchange and emotions have cooled, revisit the conflict in a calm moment, Dr. Greg suggested. Open the conversation with words like these: “Now that we got through this, how could we handle things differently the next time something happens that makes you feel this way?”

As Dr. Greg explained, your success with the empathetic solution-focused redirection approach outlined above gives you the credibility you need to have this conversation. And by inviting the other person into creative, collaborative problem-solving, you are shifting away from a competitive, winner-takes-all conflict style to a more cooperative, “we’re a team” approach.

Foster a Positive Perspective

Lisa Popcak suggested another practice that can help reduce conflict. Each evening, sit with the other person; each of you should write down three to five things you appreciated about the other person that day. Exchange the lists so each person can read the other’s. Then, at the end of the week, get together and review the list you’ve accumulated that week.

This practice creates what psychologists call a “positive sentiment override”—a mental bank account of goodwill that makes it harder for old grievances to completely take over during conflicts. When someone has a running record of your care and effort, they’re less likely to slip into “you never” and “you always” thinking.

Goodwill Makes Healing Possible

If someone in your life keeps reopening old wounds, remember: you don’t have to let the past dominate the present. Start with empathy. Invite them into solutions. And keep building the goodwill that makes healing possible.

For more practical tools for transforming your relationships, explore the Popcaks’ books at CatholicCounselors.com, including How to Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love. Or, for one-on-one support, reach out to one of our pastoral counselors today.

Extravagant Affection in Marriage

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Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

Need To Be Loved 

Every human being has a God-given need to give love and feel loved in return. This desire for unity with another is a primary motivator to find a mate. 

 

If you do not feel united or connected to your spouse, or have the sense that your spouse feels that way, part of the problem could be too little affection.

 

Here are some signs that you might not be sharing enough affection in your marriage: 

-Frequently feeling lonely around your spouse

-Frequently feeling irritable towards your spouse

-Frequent miscommunications or defensiveness about deeper feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears

-Feeling you cannot share thoughts and feelings for fear of being criticized or shamed

-Often jump to negative conclusions or assumptions about your spouse or their motives 

 

When more than one of the above items is generally true for you and/or your spouse resentment can build and spouses slowly drift away from each other–they become disconnected.

 

Shared affection is one solution to these struggles.

Affection maintains a connection in good times and in bad.

The truth is we are all called to generously give of ourselves to others as Christ did for us. This is exponentially more true in our marriage. 

 

But we all love our comfort too much, and often (even without realizing it) prioritize our own comfort over the call to generously give ourselves.

 

We tend to approach loving others from the direction of how I like to love others, such as service or time together. Ultimately, this is backwards and incomplete. I need to be asking “How does my spouse want to be loved?” 

 

I might not consider myself to be an “affectionate person” or a “touchy-feely” type. But God’s call to generous self-giving outweighs our comfort. 

 

As for receiving love from my spouse, this can be, and often is, difficult when my wounds get in the way. Being receptive to love requires vulnerability and openness.

 

How often do we receive a compliment and immediately dismiss it in our mind, or even out loud? Does your spouse compliment your appearance, or tell you that you look nice, and your first reaction is “No, I don’t feel that way”?

 

If we reject or deflect when someone else expresses affection often enough, chances are they will give up trying. If I stiffen up or cringe when touched, my spouse may eventually get discouraged and stop.

 

The Benefits of Extravagant Affection

Affection establishes a link between myself and the other person on the physical, mental and even spiritual level, beginning with the body. Holding someone in a close embrace allows our heartbeats to sync together.

 

This has a calming effect on the nervous system and fosters a sense of safety and closeness in the relationship.

 

Safety and closeness reduce tension, conflict, negativity, resentment, loneliness, and fear. 

 

How often is “extravagant?”  

 

Marriage research through the Gottman Institute recommends a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

 

The 20:1 ratio is a helpful way to communicate the general guideline: start with what seems extravagant to you, and then stretch yourself to do a little bit more than that. 

 

Don’t “keep score” on this point. It’s a guideline, not another way to show your spouse how far they fall short. Focus on your own contributions to the ratio. Reject transactional thinking: “If I give her compliments then she should give me a compliment.” 

 

What qualifies as affection? 

There are three important elements: frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsiveness.

 

Frequent physical contact includes a wide range of touch: a brief touch on the shoulder, holding hands, or cuddling for long periods of time. 

 

Warm interactions are kindled through non-verbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, choice of words, gratitude and affirmations. If it is ‘warm’ it draws you towards the other person and helps you feel connected.

 

Responsiveness is how consistently we return a “bid” for our attention. Affectionate couples make eye contact with one another often when talking and also make an effort to acknowledge when their spouse says something.

 

Do you look up from your phone or the TV when your spouse starts talking to you? Do you demonstrate that you received their message?

 

Practical Tips

Golden Rule: Express affection in ways that your spouse enjoys.

 

Love list: This exercise is for both spouses. Each spouse writes a list of 25 ways that they want to be shown love in non-sexual terms. About 20 of them should be small and simple. The other 5 can be bigger or more complex. Small things might be: kiss my forehead, rub my feet, tell me “I adore you,” bring me a drink. Bigger things could be: organize a date, give me a massage, buy me a gift. After both spouses finish, exchange lists. Try to do 2-3 things on your spouse’s list daily. 

 

6 Second Rule: Once a day, when you hug or kiss your spouse, linger in it for 6+ seconds. This gives you both enough time to slow down, sync up, and melt into the affection.

 

Compliment Catch: Take turns giving each other compliments and affirmations. Be genuine, thoughtful, and sincere. Continue the activity at least until both spouses are laughing and smiling. This is a good activity for dates, during time together, or after a conflict.

 

If you would like to talk with a Pastoral Counselor, or learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC visit CatholicCounselors.com