The Mission of the Catholic Parent

Posted on March 25, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

When it comes to parenting, I see a lot of Catholic moms and dads falling back on, “Everybody has to do what works for them. We all just have to do what works best for us.”

Of course this is true on a certain level. All we can do is our best. But that begs the question, “What does doing our best as Catholic parents really require? What does ‘doing our best’ mean?” Does it mean, “do what comes naturally?” Does it mean, “do what’s easiest or most familiar?” Does it mean, “Do what my parents did?” How do we know what doing our best as Catholic parents really entails, and how do we know if we’re really doing it?

EMBRACE LOVE: LEAVE GUILT BEHIND

Here’s the thing. I don’t ever want any parent to feel guilty about the choices they make in good conscience. But I do want parents to make choices in light of their mission to bear witness to the Catholic vision of love. We should all want that. As Catholic parents, we can’t just settle for getting through the day. The Church counts on us to show the world that there is more to family life than mere survival. The Church counts on us to show the world that life is made joyful through heroic acts of self-donative love. Granted, some days, all we can do is survive, and we should be proud of what we’ve managed to accomplish even on those days—because, sometimes, that can be a powerful witness too—but we can never forget that, for the Catholic, the goal isn’t just getting through the day however we can. The goal is getting through the day in the way that allows us to be the best example of responsible, self-donative love to our spouse, our kids, and yes, the world.

Again, the point is not to flog yourself because you didn’t do this and you didn’t do that. If that’s you’re approach to personal growth and walking the path to spiritual perfection, then you’re looking at it entirely the wrong way. The truth is, God loves you just the way you are—but he loves you too much to let you stay that way. There’s nothing to feel guilty about in that. Likewise, God may be grateful for the parent that you are, but he loves you too much to want you to settle for that. However good a parent you are, God wants to give your family even more love. As parents we’re going to have to stretch our arms wide to even begin to receive it all. Asking your self if you can do better as a parent isn’t about guilt. It’s about opening our arms wide to receive the love God wants to transform our homes with.

PARENTS: MORE INSECURE THAN EVER

I once read an excerpt on parenting that reads as follows,

“we are more insecure about parenting these days because most of us have so little experience with children. We grow up in smaller families, where olders aren’t often expected to care for youngers. No self-respecting teenager spends much time babysitting. They have social, sport, and academic pursuits to fill their ore college resume. In college, we train to become professionals, doctors and lawyers and such. On the whole, we don’t think about children until we are pregnant—and then, as you note our thinking of ourselves, a significant part of our worry is our own bodies. In the end, when our first child won’t sleep or throws her first tantrum, we have little perspective to figure out if this is a typical tantrum or something of deeper significance. So we fret and are susceptible to every expert theory. We have to figure everything out from scratch.”

That’s a terrific point. But here’s the good news. Catholic parents don’t have to figure everything out from scratch. The Church gives us a beautiful vision of family life rooted in a radical example of self-donative love. All we have to do is keep that vision in the forefront of our minds and strive for that. Some days we’ll hit it, some days we won’t but we can never take our eyes off the vision.

CLING TO THE CATHOLIC VISION OF LOVE

We especially need to keep that vision in mind when we choose what expert theory to follow. As Lisa and I point out in Parenting with Grace, there’s a reason every parenting expert says that their way is the “one, right way” to parent and then goes on to contradict every other parenting expert who says that their way is also the “one right way to parent.” The reason they do this is that each parenting author is spelling out the methods that have been shown—through research and just good old fashioned, life experience—to be most likely to raise a kid that matches that parenting author’s value system and worldview. Dobson teaches parents to raise kids with an Evangelical Protestant worldview. Brazelton teaches you how to raise kids who have a typical suburban, middle-class American worldview, and so on and so on. They’re all “correct” ways of parenting because they are all catechetical programs for passing on the author’s unique views about life, morality, relationship, and values. In Parenting with Grace, Lisa and I spend the entire first chapter presenting what the Catholic vision of family life is and why we think our methods have been shown to serve that vision. You don’t have to agree with us, but at least you know where we’re coming from. Other parenting authors aren’t so honest. They’ll tell you theirs is the “right way” to parent, but they won’t tell you what value system they think is the right one to parent toward.

PARENTING STYLE IS CATECHESIS FOR LIVING

In choosing the experts you listen to, as a Catholic parent, you can’t just settle for asking, “How will this expert help me solve the immediate problem in front of my face right now.” You have to ask. “How does this expert’s views of family life mesh with the Catholic vision of self-donative love I am called to be an example of?” Why? Because, presumably, you want to raise a kid who will grow up to be a faithful Catholic. If that’s your goal, it makes no sense to teach your kid Catholic prayers and Catholic catechism but raise them to exhibit the values and worldview of an Evangelical Protestant or secular American capitalist.

Cardinal George once made the observation that Catholics in America are “Catholic in piety but Calvinist in worldview.” Why? Primarily because families are the crucibles of culture and Catholic parents keep turning to Protestant and secular parenting experts to learn how to create their family culture. Then we wonder why our kids—who were taken to Mass, and served at the Altar, and went to Catholic school, and said the rosary, and did all those other pious, Catholic things—grow up and toddle off to the First Evangelical Church down the street or don’t go to church at all. It’s largely because Catholic parents teach our kids Catholic piety, but raise our kids according to the values and worldviews espoused by protestant and secular parenting “experts.”

LOVE GOD AND THE CHURCH FIRST THEN DO WHAT YOU WILL.

The point is, Catholic parents are certainly free to parent however they want. But by buying into the “we all have to do what works best for us” line, too many Catholic parents raise kids with a vision of family life that is almost completely antithetical to the Catholic vision of self-donative love we are all called to be examples of. Doing so, we pay the price by creating families that don’t look any different than our neighbors’ families and by raising kids who wonder what all the Catholic fuss is about when our home doesn’t actually function differently than the neighbors’—except for how many more rules we have.

So yes, by all means, choose those parenting methods that “work best for you.’ But be sure that what you mean by “works best” is “helps me create a family that does the best job possible living out the Catholic vision of self-donative love” and not, “helps me get through the day with the least effort possible.”

It is Not Good for Man to be Alone

Posted on March 25, 2014 by gpopcak

By: PaxCare Staff

Genesis 2:18 tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.” The theology of the body builds on this idea to assert the donative meaning of our body and science has ample examples of why people are social by nature. Add this one to the list.

“But You Gotta Have Friends..”

According to new research, if you’re struggling with self control, the best way to achieve it is to surround yourself with strong-willed friends.

We all desire self-control – the resolve to skip happy hour and go to the gym instead, to finish a report before checking Facebook, to say no to the last piece of chocolate cake. Though many struggle to resist those temptations, new research suggests that people with low self-control prefer and depend on people with high self-control, possibly as a way to make up for the skills they themselves lack.

…The findings are particularly interesting because previous research has typically focused on the downsides of low self-control, such as poorer academic achievement and health outcomes. But this new research suggests that individuals who lack self-control may actually have a unique skill: the ability to pick up on self-control cues in others and use those cues to form adaptive relationships.

“What we have shown is that low self-control individuals seem to implicitly surround themselves with individuals who can help them overcome temptation – you get by with a little help from your friends,” says (lead researcher) Catherine Shea. (READ MORE)

Ask and You Shall Receive

This shouldn’t be a huge surprise for anyone who has ever tried to diet or exercise—or make any other major change—on their own, but the piece that I think is important to emphasize is how important reaching out to others is when trying to make a change. Often, clients who are struggling with anger, or trying to overcome a porn addiction, or recover from infidelity, are asked what they think they need to do to change their ways. The most common response is, “I just need to not do that anymore.”

If only it were that simple. None of us like to show our weaknesses to others, but when we can find the courage to openly discuss our problems—especially with people who are in the position to help us, we can borrow a little of their health and strength to make up for what we lack. Pride is the deadliest sin because it stops us from being willing to ask for help. If you’re looking to make a change, reach out to someone who has the strength you’d like to borrow today.

Looking for someone to confide in? Contact your PaxCare Tele-coach to discuss any of the challenges discussed in this article or anything you may be struggling with in your everyday life. Talk to us to get the skills you need to succeed.

Ask the Expert: Solutions to Tough Questions asked by Parents

Posted on March 25, 2014 by gpopcak

Dr. Gregory Popcak

Below you will find a series of questions I have been asked recently by concerned parents. These questions vary in their subject matter as well as in the age and gender of the child in question. I have done my best to provide brief yet concise solutions to the problems they are experiencing. It is my hope that you might benefit in your parenting experience from these correspondences.

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Our daughter is 10 and just started her period. Her younger brother
doesn’t understand why she doesn’t feel like playing sometimes. I don’t
want to tell him more than he should know, but I also don’t want to hide
things from him. What should I tell him about his sister?

Simple, truthful answers are the best. Just explain to him that when a young girl is starting to become a woman, her body goes through changes that make her tired, achy, and sometimes, a little cranky too. It’s sort of like really hard growing pains that come along for a couple of days each month. Explain that for those couple of days, she is not going to feel like playing and jumping around much.

Help your son understand that part of his job of becoming a man is learning to be a sensitive brother on those days that his sister isn’t feeling well. During those times he could be a real friend to her by offering to do some of her chores, or by trying to think of ways to make her life easier or more pleasant. In fact, on the days that your daughter is not feeling well, prompt your son to think of those things that he could do to help her have a better day. This kind of thoughtful service within the family is part and parcel of building the community of love the Holy Father calls us to.

For more information on teaching your kids about having a Catholic understanding of their bodies, love, relationships, and sexuality, check out my book, Beyond the Birds and the Bees.

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My toddler (2 years old) is more defiant than I could have possibly imagined. What do I do? I’m very cautious about corporal punishment.

Part of the job description of the toddler is to be defiant. As the child begins learning who he is apart from you, he takes great pride in being able to say, “No.” Channeled and trained, a strong will is a very good thing because the same will that says, “no” to you today i the same will that will say “no” to a host of unhealthy things when your child is a teen.

Even so, there are times when a child simply needs to do what he is asked. Remember though, don’t take his “no” personally, he is not attacking you. And there is certainly no need to spank him. Simply restate your request. “Jimmy, put on your shoes.” If he refuses, gently but firmly pick him up and put his shoes on. If you ask him to pick up his toys and he refuses, give him one more chance. If he still refuses, take him by the hand, place a toy in it, walk him to the toybox, and put it in. Ask him if he will now pick up his toys on his own. If not, repeat the process. At first, the child may laugh at this new game with mommy or daddy, but he will quickly grow tired of it after the third or fourth toy and become irritated at this offence to his independence. At that point tell him that he can either do it on his own or you will continue to help. Chances are, he will comply at this point. If not, Parenting with Grace, offers additional tips for increasing your child’s compliance without losing your mind.

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My 3-year-old won’t eat what is served at dinner. Should we force the issue or just let it go?

The general consensus among nutritionists, psychologists, and pediatricians is that food is about nutrition and though it is tempting sometimes, parents should resist the urge to turn this issue into a power struggle. When considering whether your child is eating enough, don’t look at how well he has cleaned his plate look at his height and weight. Is he growing? Is he gaining weight? If he is, then he is eating enough.

Studies continue to demonstrate that American eating habits are simply abominable and training for poor food management starts early. When we force our children to eat more than they are able and at times that do not coincide with their own bodily clocks, we train our children to eat, not for hunger, but for other reasons that include fear, a desire for our approval, and even boredom to name a few. In my personal and professional experience, a great deal of damage can be done by requiring children to ignore their own bodily signals where food is concerned. It can cause them to eat to excess, not stopping when they are full because they have disabled their own internal monitoring mechanism. It can also set the stage for future eating disorders where food is not seen as nutrition, but as a means to wield power in the family. From a Catholic perspective, it is an injustice to teach our children to ignore the Natural Law, which is understood as the way God made us and the world to work. In parenting, we apply this natural law perspective, not by imposing our schedules regarding how we think our children’s bodies should work, but by listening to the bodily cues hard-wired into our children by the God who made them.

All this is not to say that you should feel any obligation to cook 14 different meals in an attempt to coax Johnny to eat. It is enough that you prepare a nutritious meal for the entire family. If your child would prefer not to eat it at the established time, even though you might require him to remain at the table in order to participate in this family time, simply wrap your child’s portion up. If he is hungry before the next meal, offer your child his meal in lieu of a snack. This will prevent him from waiting you out so that he can gorge himself on junk food instead of the healthy choice you have prepared.

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I’m worried about stress in my preteen (11 years old) child. What are signs of stress that I should be looking for?

A recent study discovered the alarming statistic that children considered “normal” by contemporary standards exhibited the same degree of anxiety and stress demonstrated by child psychiatric patients of the 1950’s. Rates of childhood depression, anxiety disorders, drug use, and suicide are skyrocketing. Clearly, to quote Madeline’s Miss Clavel, “Somesing eez not right.”

Stress is endemic to our culture, and unfortunately, the most effective antidote to stress, close, supportive relationships, is also under attack. Time magazine recently reported that the average American family spends approximately 15 minutes a day actually relating to each other. The rest of our time is consumed by activities; school, work, clubs, lessons, and other commitments for both parents and children. And that was a two-parent family. All of these activities, valuable and enriching though they may be on their own, have the cumulative effect of choking off the lifeline of every human person; intimate contact with others.

So to return to your question, is your child stressed to an unhealthy degree? Consider the following questions. Does he seem to enjoy things less than he used to? Is he struggling with perfectionism? Is his school performance deteriorating? Is his behavior taking a dive? Does he seem more irritable than usual? Is he struggling with concentration or comprehension? Is his relationship with you or his siblings strained? Is he sleeping more or less than usual? Is he eating more or less than usual? Does he not seem to have many friends? Does he complain of non-specific aches and pains? Answering, “yes” to two or more of these questions may indeed mean that your child is suffering, to one degree or another, a greater amount of stress than is healthy.

What to do about it? Two simple things can make all the difference. First, simplify. Insist that your child focus on one or two extra-curricular activities at a time, at the most. Too many lessons, sports, or hobbies cease to enrich one’s life and begin to clutter it, creating stress in their wake. Don’t be fooled if your child says he likes all the business, he may be addicted to that adrenaline.

Second, strengthen the parent child relationship–even if you think it is already good. Use to time you gain from cutting back on outside activities to increase the amount of time you spend enjoying life as a family. Play more games together. Read aloud to each other. Make time for regular family prayer and praise. And as Pope John Paul II suggested in this letter on the Lord’s Day, make sure that at least one day a week is reserved for activities the whole family can enjoy.

As intimacy increases, stress decreases. Stress proof your child by giving him time to be, to love, and to be loved.

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What would be some wise things to say when our near teenagers go through the “puppy love” stage for a member of the opposite sex? I want to say faith-affirming things about love and sexuality without talking over their head or minimizing their feelings.

Briefly, here are some tips.

Teach the meaning of real love.

Real love is when two people want to help each other become better, stronger, godlier people; when you want to be around someone not merely for the pleasure that they can give you, but for the kind of healthy, virtuous person they help you be in their presence. Teach your teen the difference between real love, and “feeling love.” Mary Beth Bonacci’s book, Real Love is a great resource.

Teach your child to be a friend first.

In our culture, friendship has become dissociated from romance. But true romance is the flower that blooms on the stem of friendship. Anything else is not true romance, but mere chemistry. Chemistry dies. True romance becomes more vital with time. Be friends first.

Lay ground rules.

Don’t be afraid to start telling your teen now what your expectations about dating, curfews, attire, etc. are. Let your son or daughter know that you will expect to meet–and preferably get to know–his or her date.

Don’t panic.

Your teen will probably date a wide variety of people in an attempt to figure out his or her own likes and dislikes. Don’t panic. Pray A LOT. Give patient counsel. Say “no” when you must, but generally, lead your child to the truth, don’t force feed it to him or her.

Do your homework.

I can’t possibly do this question justice in the space allotted for this column, but I have dedicated entire chapters to this question in two of my books. Both, Parenting with Grace, and Beyond the Birds and the Bees are chock full of practical tips and helpful insights that will help you convey the Catholic vision of love to your children. Pick them up today so that when young love starts to bloom in your household, you’ll be able to handle both the weeds and the flowers.

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My five year old goes through stages in which he says he doesn’t like this particular brother or sister. What should we say to him? Or, should we ignore it as his way of venting frustration.

While it is his way of venting frustration, and it is common for children of this age to say such things, I encourage parents to begin teaching their children more appropriate ways to express their frustration as early on as possible.

By using what I call, “do-overs,” you can train your child how to express his frustrations in a more respectful way. Try to identify the trigger event that caused your child’s frustration, then say to your child, “I know you are angry at your brother because he took your toy (or insert other offense here), but you may not say, “I hate you” (or insert offensive phrase here). Instead, please say, “ I’m sorry I was rude Joey. It was my turn. Please give it back.” Have the child repeat this phrase to his brother. (break the phrase up if necessary, but keep it as short as possible.

When I first describe this technique, many clients think I am expecting too much. Then they try it, and are amazed that after two weeks they have a different child on their hands. Good discipline teaches children what to do, not just what to stop doing. If you consistently use this technique in those times when your children are being disrespectful, you will teach them to both respect their feelings and express those feelings in a respectful way. For more information on do-overs and many other effective discipline strategies, please see my book, Parenting with Grace.

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What’s the best approach to determining when your child is ready to participate in organized sports? The child’s interest? A specific age? The parent’s goals for raising well-rounded kids?

Organized sports are a wonderful way to help children gain self-confidence, teamwork, and good motor coordination, but they are hardly the only way to accomplish these worthy goals. If our children express no interest in organized sports it does little good to push them to participate just to satisfy our own parental desires.

Physical activity itself is important, however, and a parent should encourage their children to engage in all forms of physical play and activity, especially children who are otherwise sluggish or uncoordinated. An important part of having a good sense of self is knowing that one can make one’s body do what one wants it to do. Self-esteem is also enhanced by knowing that I can set challenging goals and meet them. But if a child does not have any interest in organized sports then he can accomplish these ends through a multitude of other activities like vigorous play, bike riding, hiking/exploring, building things, climbing trees, rollerblading/skating, and other physically challenging pursuits.

In short, while encouraging physical activity is important, organized sports are entirely optional. Expose your children to them as one of many forms by which they can express themselves and let each child choose the activity that best suits his or her personality and tastes.

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My 12-year-old thinks it’s preposterous that she has chores to do. Even though we think all the children have appropriate chores — based on each one’s age and skills — she is downright recalcitrant about doing her share. How can we convey that her role is important, and required?

One of parents biggest mistakes is getting into arguments with children about the value of chores and other responsibilities. Of course, it is always good to try to explain the importance of chores and get them to appreciate the value that everyone, “receives according to their need and gives according to their ability” but some children either can’t get this concept, or more likely, prefer not to. Too often, in the face of such sullen stubbornness, parents back down.

Having already tried to explain the importance of her role, it is now time to focus on compliance, not understanding. Responsibility is an acquired taste, and some children acquire the taste later than others. Even so, attitude follows action. By focusing on compliance, you provide a structure by which your daughter will eventually learn to appreciate the value of stewardship–even if she learns it kicking and screaming.

Instead of arguing with her, let the consequences do the talking for you. Make the rule that nothing else happens in her life until her chores are done. Then, if she uses the phone, gets on the computer, or does anything else before her chores are done, she loses that activity at least for the rest of the day, if not the week. Likewise, if you ask her to do a chore and she cops an attitude, explain that her attitude conveys a need to practice giving cheerful service, and give her another chore on top of the first. Furthermore, if she would like to continue complaining, you would be happy to oblige her with many more opportunities to practice cheerful service. Then give her “the look.” You know one. The “don’t cross me young lady” look that you get when you’re really serious about something, and don’t say anything else. Children learn to appreciate your rules when their misbehavior inconveniences them more than it inconveniences you. Let your consequences do the talking, and in no time, she will change her tune.

Your Love Can Last A Lifetime: Making Marriage Last For Good.

Posted on March 25, 2014 by gpopcak

Dr. Gregory Popcak

Bethany and Frank have been married 12 years with three kids. Things have always been fine, but lately their relationship has seemed a little strained. Frank’s workplace has been threatening lay-offs and Bethany has taken a job just in case the worst does happen. Their schedules have never been more hectic. Sometimes they feel like their marriage is being pulled apart at the seams. As Frank puts it, “We love each other, but we barely have time to tell each other anymore much less show it.”

~~~

Amanda and Ted just recently celebrated their 21st wedding anniversary. Their oldest is heading to college in the fall. They still have some time before empty nest syndrome sets in, but their son’s imminent departure has them asking some important questions. Amanda says, “Sometimes I wonder if we’ve been taking care of our marriage like we should. I don’t want to be like the couple we saw at that restaurant the other day who just sat there obviously not knowing what to say to each other.”

Your Love Can Last a Lifetime: An Overview

Keeping a marriage going strong over the years can seem like an impossible task but you don’t have to be intimidated by the effort. A lot of people believe that couples whose marriage is great just got lucky or were born with a talent for relationships that most people don’t have. But new studies of happy couples find that it isn’t so much that so-called, “marriage masters” are magically predisposed to have a great marriage. Rather, happy couples practice certain habits that everyone can learn.

The great news is that the research on happy couples overwhelmingly supports the good marriage habits the Catholic Church encourages couples to practice. Likewise, Catholic couples have a great treasure in what Pope John Paul II called the “Theology of the Body,” which basically looks at how God’s plan for human relationships is written into the very way he created our bodies to work. Science can help us learn what that code is, and theology helps us discover the divine purpose of that code. Here are some tips that faith and reason reveal about sharing a love that lasts a lifetime.

1. Rediscover Your Mission

Whether you know it or not, you and your spouse are on a mission from God. God brought you and your spouse together to teach the world an important lesson about becoming everything God created you to be in this life and helping each other get to heaven in the next.

Happy couples know that to have a great marriage, you have to live for something bigger than just getting through the day. A study by Ohio State University found that husbands and wives who work hard to live out a clear set of values in their everyday lives are much happier in marriage than couples who don’t.

For Catholics, that means that husbands and wives must be committed to helping each other live their faith in every aspect of their lives, inviting God into our problem-solving, decision-making, communication, daily life, sexuality, family planning, and everything else. The Theology of the Body reminds us that we are destined for an eternal wedding feast with God. We prepare for that wedding feast in this life by committing ourselves to a life of generous love and service–especially in marriage and family life–so that we can not only demonstrate how much we love our spouse, but also how much God loves our mate.

Melanie and Ed have been married 14 years. They have 5 children. Says Melanie, “Ed and I have always had a pretty good marriage, but I don’t think we really appreciated how good it could be until we started living our faith a little more ‘on purpose.’ That’s when things really started to change.”

Ed agrees, “These days, I really see how everything Mel and I do has a spiritual piece to it. I know it’s made me a better husband. I’m more aware now that the way I approach the little things really matters. I just try harder to be gentler in the way I talk and to look for little ways to take care of her. I really feel like God wants to love Mel through me, and that makes everything I do mean that much more.”

“Our conversations are better too.” Adds Melanie. “All we used to talk about was what kid needed to go where and whether we had enough milk. Now we talk about things that really matter and our discussions are helping each other become better people. It’s awesome.”

To clarify the mission God designed for you, develop a Marital Imperative–a mission statement that will help you and your spouse have an action plan for loving and living out God’s plan for your marriage. Follow these steps:

a) Start by listing the virtues that would help you be a better couple (e.g., love, service, generosity, joy, faith, etc.). Of course you want to exhibit all the virtues, but for now you should focus on the 3 qualities that would specifically help you and your mate be more attentive, generous, faithful partners to one another at this point in your lives.

b) Next, list the action steps that will help you do a better job of living out those virtues. For instance, if you picked, “Faith, love, and joy” as the three most important virtues in your life you might commit to the following action steps respectively, “Faith: Spend at least 5 minutes a day praying together and go to Mass every Sunday. Love: do one thing to make my spouse’s life easier or more pleasant (without being asked) every day. Joy: Spend 30 min each night doing something fun together (make list of possibilities).”

c) Finally, encourage each other to live out your Marital Imperative every day. Discuss whether and how your faith impacts decision making, problem-solving, communication, sex. Consider the virtues you want to exhibit in your daily marriage and family life. Were there opportunities you missed to exemplify those qualities? How can you help each other be more consistent in your efforts to be the couple God created you to be?

2. Plug Into the Power Source

There comes a point in every marriage–often several times over the course of the marriage–when a couple hits a wall and has gone as far as they can go on their own power. We do the best we can to love each other with our own human love but that will only get us so far. Eventually, our own selfishness, score-keeping, fears, and limitations stop us from being as generous, loving, and fully committed as we need to be to make our marriage everything God created it to be.

That’s why, to have a great marriage, we need to plug into the power source, God’s love, to supercharge our ability to break through the barriers that human love can’t crack. How do we do that? We pray together as a couple. When we pray together, God teaches us to love each other with his love, a love that is so powerful that not even the gates of hell can come against it. As Scripture says, “if God is for us who can stand against us (Rom. 8:31)?” The Theology of the Body reminds us that sharing a spiritual life allows couples to tap, “the spiritual and creative ‘power’ of love” and to become everything a man and woman are meant to be to each other.

Some couples are terrified by the idea of praying together. They feel that prayer is “too private” to share with a spouse. But how can you share each other’s bodies while withholding your souls? Joining together in body and spirit is an essential part of what it means for the “two to become one.”

So many things try to divide us but in marriage God calls men and women to recreate, as much as possible, the original intimacy man, woman, and God shared at the dawn of creation. Couples who pray together discover new worlds of intimacy and partnership. Even psychologists agree. For instance, we know that couples who pray together are happier in their marriages than couples who don’t (and have significantly lower divorce rates). Likewise, a study by Florida State University found that prayerful couples are better at forgiving each other than couples who don’t pray.

Raul and Olivia have been married 18 years. They have 3 children. “This whole praying together thing was not for me.” Says Raul. “Olivia used to bug me about it, but I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I felt judged. Like my prayer wasn’t good enough or something. I mean, I wouldn’t say I had a great prayer life, but it was mine and I really didn’t feel like sharing it.”

“I don’t know how I finally got him to agree to do it with me.” Olivia added laughing. “ I think it was Lent one year and I guilted him into it. Anyway, he finally said that he’d pray with me as long as we kept it short and he didn’t have to do too much!”

“I know, great, right?” Said Raul. “Well, we all have to start somewhere. All we did at first was a little “Hail Mary” each night, and sometimes I grumbled about that. But after a while, I started looking forward to it. It’s really hard to explain, but I guess God got his hooks in me and I just started looking forward to spending that time with Olivia. Sometimes after we were done, we’d just sit and talk a little, and it was more than we’d done together in months.”

“I knew something changed when I got busy with the kids one night. I sort of forgot about our prayer time and Raul came to ask me if I going to be ready any time soon. You could have knocked me over with a feather, but I just played it cool. If he wanted to pray, I sure wasn’t going to say, no.”

“Things just kind of took off from there. We try to spend at least 10-15 minutes a night praying together and getting a little time to talk. It’s made a world of difference.”

If you have never prayed with your spouse and you’re not sure how to start, keep it simple. Agree to say at least one Our Father (or other simple, familiar prayer) each night. Then build from there. Perhaps, when you’re more comfortable, you may wish to do a decade of the rosary, or a chaplet, or some other meaningful devotion you discover. You might even like to take a moment, out loud and in your own words, to say, “thank you” to God for the little blessings of the day (that great parking space, the promotion, that hug from your usually sullen teen), or say, “Lord, Help us” with a special problem, or “Lord, we’re sorry” for a fight you had with each other, or even talk out loud about some big decisions you have to make (“Lord, I’d really like another child/to take that job/to move/etc., but we’re not sure…”).

There are only three rules–well, helpful suggestions. First, as long as you are praying from your heart, there is no “right way” to do it. Don’t criticize each other’s efforts. Second, feel free to commit to as much prayer as you feel is drawing you closer to God and to your spouse. No more no less. Prayer is about intimacy, not duty. Third, as you become more comfortable with what you’ve been doing, learn ways to go deeper. A great resource for learning more about prayer is The How-To Book of Catholic Devotions by Regis Flaherty and Michael Aquilina (OSV).

3. Date Every Day

In the early years of marriage–before kids and the commitments of family life begin multiplying-couples have an abundance of time for each other (or at least more than they will have for the rest of their lives). It’s easy in those early days to find time to have a meal together, to pray, to talk about important things, to work on projects and to be playful with each other. It is easy to think that these days will last forever and to take for granted the idea that there will always be enough time for your marriage.

Within a few months or years, however, things start to get more complicated. A couple will need to be more intentional about actually scheduling time every day to do the things (have dinner together, talk, pray, work, play) that used to happen spontaneously. A recent study reviewing 50 years of research on the power of rituals and routines (like meal times, prayer times, game nights, date nights, and specific time to work and play together) to make marriages strong found that the more of a commitment a couple made to regular rituals and routines, the more satisfying and stable the marriage, the more resistant to depression, anxiety, and substance abuse the couple was, and the more likely the kids were to be well-behaved, happy, and academically successful. Regular rituals and routines are like a miracle drug for family happiness and well-being.

Marta and Al have been married for 8 years. They have 3 kids. Al says, “We really notice a difference on the weeks we make time to do things like pray together and get our time to hang out.”

“We also try to do little things like wash the dishes together or pick up the family room together every day.” Says Marta, It gives us a chance to talk that we wouldn’t otherwise have and it makes us feel good to take care of our home together. I know it’s really helped our intimacy too. Being lovers comes a lot more naturally when you’re taking time to stay connected throughout the day.

The Theology of the Body tells us that our physical actions make love visible. Showing up for regular family meals and prayer times, and taking a little time each day to talk together, play together, and work side by side on the tasks of daily living are a way of physically and concretely demonstrating your commitment to each other. Don’t just live for those all too infrequent date nights! Instead, Sit down with your calendar each week and plan when you will make time for the rituals and routines that make your love and your commitment visible to one another.

4. Celebrate Your Passion

Many people don’t realize this, but for Catholics, marriage is the sacrament of sex. Every sacrament commits common physical stuff to a divine purpose that is intended to actually bring about the changes that “stuff” symbolizes. In baptism, simple water actually washes the soul clean of original sin. In the Eucharist, simple bread and wine really does become the body and blood of Christ. Likewise in marriage, sex actually has several divine purposes; it actually makes two people into one person, it celebrates a love that’s so powerful that it can (and is willing to) create life, and it helps the couple experience a small taste of the passion with which God himself loves each of us (c.f. Eph 5: 32).

Catholics are encouraged to celebrate the sacraments frequently and joyfully. Marriage is one sacrament I hope you will not have too much trouble about celebrating in such a way. Sex is not a duty, a chore, an extra, or even a “nice thing” to do when you have the energy. If you are married, then lovemaking is the foundation of your vocation. It is God’s first commandment to all of humanity. (When God said, “Go forth and multiply,” He wasn’t giving math homework.)

Too many Christian husbands and wives think that they must be ashamed of their sexuality. Shame, causes us to hold back just where we are called to be generous. It prevents sex from being the “self-gift” the Pope John Paul II said that it ought to be in the Theology of the Body. Our sexual and bodily shame is a direct descendent of the shame Adam and Eve encountered after the Fall, standing before God in their nakedness. If we are ashamed of being exposed and vulnerable before a mate, how will we ever tolerate standing exposed and vulnerable before our Divine Lover? Challenge your fears of vulnerability, of “losing control,” and you will find amazing joy in the arms of both your earthly beloved and your Heavenly one.

Likewise, for sexuality to be truly spiritual, we must learn to balance the virtues expressed by a responsible openness to life. On the one hand, openness to life helps us develop trust, generosity, vulnerability, selflessness and identify with the Fatherhood of God, among other things. On the other hand, practicing this openness responsibly (as the Church’s teaching encourages us to do), gives us an opportunity to develop a different set of virtues; chastity, self-discipline, honesty, temperance, etc. Both sets of virtues are equally important to our Christian identity, but they can be hard to balance. The best way to strike this balance in marriage is to practice Natural Family Planning (NFP) a deeply spiritual, profoundly rewarding, and imminently practical form of family planning. If you don’t use it, you can learn more about it by contacting your Diocesan Family Life Office. Experience for yourself the richness it will afford your spiritual and sexual life.

5. Stay in School

Marriage is something you have to work on every day and having a great marriage requires a ongoing commitment to learn new skills so that you can keep your your communication, prayer life, problem-solving skills, parenting skills, and physical relationship fresh, interesting, effective and vital. There is a saying that if you aren’t moving forward then you’re moving backward and that’s definitely true of marriage.

No matter how long you’ve been married, you are still a student in the school of love. Commit to regularly “taking courses” that make you a great lover (in and out of the bedroom) in this life and prepare you to experience the incredible feast of love that will be served at the eternal wedding banquet in the next. Make a commitment to read a new marriage book (or listen to a CD or MP3) every month. Even if you don’t agree with the information it will give you new ideas to discuss. Do a marriage retreat once a year. Subscribe to magazines that give you new ideas for living your faith, marriage, and family life to the full.

To help get you started, here are some great resources that will help you make your love last a lifetime!

For Further Reading

For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage–G. Popcak, Ph.D., Our Sunday Visitor

Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind Blowing, Infallible Loving–G. Popcak, Ph.D.

Crossroads.

Good News About Sex and Marriage–C. West, Servant.

Heaven’s Song: Sexual Love as It Was Meant to Be–C. West, Ascension Press.

The Theology of the Body for Beginners (2nd ed.)–C. West, Ascension Press.

Periodicals

Faith & Family Magazine–www.FaithandFamilyLive.com

Family Foundations–A Publication of the Couple to Couple League www.CCLI.org

Marriage Magazine–www.MarriageMagazine.org

Marriage Enrichment:

A Marriage Made for Heaven: Marriage Enrichment Program for Couples

–G. Popcak, Ph.D., Crossroads.

Worldwide Marriage Encounter (a weekend for marriage enrichment)– www.WWME.org

Retrouvaille/Rediscovery (a weekend for struggling marriages)– www.HelpOurMarriage.com

For Your Marriage.org–Marriage Help from the US Conference of Catholic Bishops

www.ForYourMarriage.org

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Need further assistance in your pursuit toward forming a bond of life-long love? Contact your PaxCare Tele-coach to find the solutions you’re looking for. Call us to get the support you need to succeed.

Shaken, But Not Stirred: A Catholicâ€™s Guide to Identifying and Overcoming Anxiety and Panic

Posted on March 25, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Sure I’m Stressed, But Isn’t Everyone? Anxiety vs. Stress.

“I just feel like everything is piling up on me.” Says Melissa. “Work is crazy right now, and of course the family doesn’t stop needing me just because I’m busy at the office. Then there’s all the stuff going on with my brother…. Sometimes I can’t catch my breath. I mean, I literally can’t catch my breath. I’ve got this constant tightness in my chest, my stomach’s a wreck and I’m just on edge all the time. Somehow I’m going to just have to find the strength to deal with it. Everybody’s stressed these days, I guess. This isn’t anything that a million other people aren’t going through.”

Melissa is right about one thing. Everyone is stressed out today. The fact is stress isn’t all bad. In small doses, stress helps us think more quickly and problem-solve more efficiently, especially when we have to think on our feet in a tough situation. But sometimes, if we carry around too much stress for too long (e.g. marriage and family problems, work & financial problems, personal struggles), or even if we go through a single, particularly traumatic, stressor (e.g., violent death of a loved one, serious accident, victim of a crime, childhood abuse/neglect, fighting in a war) the parts of our brain that God made to warn us about stressors can become hyperactive. Under extended stress, the chemicals in our brain that helpfully tell us to, “Pay attention!” to problems can overstimulate the amygdala (the brain’s fire alarm center). When this happens, the amygdala can, in effect, get a chemical burn. It becomes hypersensitive to stress, “goes off” too easily, and becomes difficult to turn off again. When all this happens we may develop one of several types of anxiety disorders such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, or Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Anxiety Disorders: What Do They Look Like?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is best known for an ongoing, “free-floating” sense of anxiety that makes it difficult to function at your best. The anxiety associated with GAD is known as “free-floating” because it can be difficult for a person with GAD to say what he or she is anxious about. In fact, the person with GAD might feel like his or her life is “just fine” and not be consciously stressed-out about anything. This may be because the person has failed to appreciate how much a particular stressor has worn out the brain’s stress-management systems, or because they have lived with the stress for so long it seems normal. Regardless, the GAD sufferer experiences excessive worry more days than not over a period of several months. Additionally, people with GAD may become easily fatigued and have difficulty concentrating or experience their mind going blank. They may be irritable and experience muscle tension and/or sleep problems (either difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep). Anyone who has had at least three of these symptoms for several months (4-6) should seek professional help.

Panic Disorder is similar to GAD in that the person suffering from it might have a hard time identifying what he or she is stressed about. But Panic Disorder is marked by intense bursts of crippling anxiety known as “panic attacks.” The person with panic attacks may feel like he or she is having a heart attack; experiencing a sense of a rapid heart rate, dizziness, sweating, nausea, and muscle tension in the head, chest, and elsewhere. Panic Disorder is often discovered when a person goes to the hospital thinking that he or she is experiencing a heart attack only to find that testing reveals no heart troubles whatsoever. In addition to the panic attacks, a person with panic disorder may become constantly worried about having additional attacks, they may worry about losing control or “going crazy,” and they may even avoid certain places in an attempt to eliminate possible causes of the panic attacks. When this happens, a person can develop “Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia” which can result in being afraid to leave the house altogether.

Social Anxiety Disorder or SAD occurs when a person experiences significant, debilitating, anxiety related to some specific social function or activity. Eating in public, being in large or packed crowds, or engaging in other common, public, behaviors can be extremely stressful–even impossible–for the person with SAD. Even though they know their fears are unreasonable, they may work very hard to avoid social interaction, even if that means missing out on job opportunities or important family activities. Unlike with GAD and PD, people with Social Anxiety Disorder (aka “Social Phobia) know exactly what they are anxious about. They just feel powerless over their reactions. Someone who is experiencing these symptoms for several months (4-6+) or whose work or family life is being seriously affected should seek help.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can occur when a person has experienced a single, catastrophic trauma (e.g., a serious car accident or physical/sexual assault), or a prolonged exposure to a traumatic environment (abuse, war). PTSD is characterized by recurring, intrusive memories of the traumatic event. Sometimes it can even feel like it’s happening all over again. The event may pre-occupy a person’s dreams and thoughts as well, although PTSD sufferers often work hard to avoid discussing the trauma or dealing with any situations that remind them of the trauma. People with PTSD may also experience extreme irritability, sleep problems, and exaggerated startle responses since they are constantly on alert less some terrible thing happen to them. A person experiencing any of these symptoms should seek professional help immediately.

Who Gets Anxiety Disorders?

In any given year about 20% of adults in the US experience one type or another of anxiety disorder so if you do have an anxiety disorder, you’re in good company. The good news is that up to 80% of people who seek treatment for anxiety disorders get better. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable and new, more effective ways to help people are being developed every day. If you are suffering with an anxiety disorder, the best thing to do is to seek help today.

People of faith often feel guilty for being anxious. They wonder if perhaps they are not praying hard enough or not trusting God enough. The truth is, Christians get anxiety disorders at roughly the same rate as everyone else. This should not be a surprise. After all, Christians catch cold as often as everyone else and get cancer or heart disease or high blood pressure at the same rate as everyone else. No one thinks of these things as spiritual failings. Remember, anxiety disorders are what happen to a person when the brain’s fire-alarm center–the amygdala–gets a “chemical burn” from bathing too long in stress chemicals, making it hypersensitive and over-reactive to new problems. Anxiety Disorders are not a failure of character or spiritual maturity. They are what happen when the brain’s stress-warning systems become overwhelmed and hyper-activated.

How Are Anxiety Disorders Treated?

Research shows that the treatments that work best for anxiety disorders are psychotherapy and/or medication. Most studies indicate that, especially for more serious anxiety disorders, recovery is quickest and strongest for those who receive both medication and psychotherapy. Let’s take a brief look at each.

Psychotherapy

Many people are confused about psychotherapy. How is it different than “just talking?” Even more importantly, if anxiety is caused by the wearing out and overstimulation of the body’s stress-warning systems, how can talking about your feelings help heal the body?

The truth is, just talking about your problems in any old way won’t necessarily help anything. In fact, studies show that there are some ways of talking about your problems that can make them infinitely worse. But mental health professionals have learned special ways to talk about problems–and teach clients techniques to work through problems–that have been shown to actually change the way the brain physically processes stress. Recent studies employing electro-encephalogram (EEG) technology shows that in as little as 12 weeks, psychotherapy alone changed the electrical patterns in the brains of anxious patients and enabling their brains to process stress more like people who do not suffer from anxiety disorders.

Well trained mental health professionals do not only encourage you to talk about your problems, they teach you to deal with stress in new ways and use techniques that can improve functioning in the stress-management and problem-solving parts of your brain.

Just like going to physical therapy after an injury can teach you exercises that can restore physical functioning, psychotherapy teaches you mental exercises that can restore functioning to the stress-management and problem-solving areas of the brain that have been affected by anxiety. In a very real sense, psychotherapy may be thought of as physical therapy for the brain.

There are many types of psychotherapy, but research has identified two types of therapy that are most effective in helping your brain recover from the wear and tear of anxiety: Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based Therapy (also known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps you identify the unhealthy thinking patterns that make your brain work harder than it has to when faced with problems and stress. The therapist will also recommend changes in the way you act in stressful situations (and around stressful people) so that your brain can bounce back from these situations quickly and efficiently. Research shows that learning these mental and behavioral techniques may help both heal the damage stress has done to your brain and make your more stress-resistant in the future.

A second research-based therapy for anxiety disorders that is called Mindfulness-Based Therapy–MBT (or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy–ACT). Unlike Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which teaches you techniques to take control of the anxiety and reduce it, MBT/ACT teaches you techniques that enable you to, essentially, step outside of the anxiety and consciously redirect your emotional energy into productive activities. Where CBT is like boxing, in that it tries to confront and defeat anxious thoughts, ACT is more like Judo, which uses anxiety’s energy against itself, causing it to evaporate. Both types of therapy have much clinical and brain-based research supporting their effectiveness at both decreasing anxiety and changing the way the brain processes stress.

Whichever type of therapy is best for you, psychotherapy is much more than “just talking” with someone about your problems. It is a highly sophisticated process facilitated by a licensed professional that acts, in a sense, as physical therapy for the brain, restoring the brain’s ability to manage-stress, problem-solve, create emotional balance and a community of supportive relationships.

Medication

In addition to psychotherapy, medication is another common way of responding to anxiety disorders. In fact, most studies indicate that medication combined with psychotherapy is the most effective treatment. You should think of anxiety medication in a similar way as you might think about medication for high blood pressure. Medication can control high blood pressure, but in most cases, only lifestyle changes can cure it. In the same way, medication for anxiety disorders can control depressive symptoms, but in most cases, if not all, a person will also need to make lifestyle changes to heal from anxiety and keep it away. There are several different types of medication for anxiety disorders including, Anti-Anxieties (Benzodiazepines and Buspirone), and Anti-Depressants (SSRI’S and SNRI’s).

Anti-Anxiety Drugs come in two basic varieties: Benzodiazepines and Buspirone. Benzodiazepines are fast-acting drugs (about 30 min from ingestion to effect) that boost the effectiveness of the body’s calm-down chemical, GABA. Benzodiazepines supercharge GABA’s ability to soothe the irritated amygdala (sort of like applying numbing cream to that metaphorical chemical burn we discussed earlier). The downside is that these drugs have side-effects that include tiredness, fuzzy thinking, dizziness, slurred speech and other similar problems. You shouldn’t drive a car or operate machinery while on them. They can be habit forming.

By contrast, Buspirone, functions as a slower-acting anti-anxiety drug. It is thought to work by decreasing the amount of brain-agitating chemicals produced under stress. It can be about 2 weeks before the person taking Buspirone begins to feel better, and though it does have side effects like nausea, dry mouth, and dizziness, it does not cause drowsiness or impaired thinking. There is much less of a risk of dependency or withdrawal symptoms than with benzodiazepines.

Some Anti-Depressants are also used to treat anxiety disorders, but it can take 4-6 weeks before the patient will notice any change. These drugs (SSRI’s and SNRI’s like Paxil, Celexa, and Lexapro) are thought to work by boosting the level of the body’s stress-management and feel-good chemicals. These drugs are not habit forming, but there can be serious withdrawal symptoms for people who quit cold-turkey. Never stop taking any medication without consulting with your physician.

If you are struggling with anxiety, it is important to talk to a mental health professional to evaluate all your treatment options and design the best course of treatment for you.

Prayer and the Sacraments

Taking advantage of psychotherapy or medication does not mean that a person should neglect spiritual remedies. Our rich spiritual tradition as Catholics can be a great source of both comfort and healing. Don’t ever hesitate to ask for the intercession of pastors and other mature Christians. Dive into scripture, drawing encouragement from those versus that remind us of God’s providence and constant care (e.g., Mt 6:31-32; Phil 4:6-7; Phi 4:19, etc.).

Another source of great strength and healing are the Sacraments of Healing: Confession and Anointing of the Sick. Some people might be surprised by the encouragement to use confession. After all, anxiety is not a sin, nor are anxious people sinning by being anxious! But when we are anxious it is easy to give into things that are sins such as bad habits related to self-comforting, lashing out at others, or becoming too self-focused. As we receive the grace of confession to overcome anxiety’s negative influence in our lives and relationships, we can feel stronger and more confident in our ability to cooperate with God’s grace and achieve healing of body, mind and spirit.

Second, although anxiety disorders are an illness, most people don’t think of taking advantage of Anointing of the Sick to assist them in the healing process. Receiving this sacrament as a person struggling with an anxiety disorder is an important way to encounter God’s healing grace in action. A person may receive Anointing of the Sick as often as he or she feels the need for it. Through all the sacraments, we encounter the saving and healing actions of Christ. Let our Lord be a partner in your recovery.

Can’t I Just Talk to My Priest?

It is always good when a person suffering with anxiety receives support from his or her pastor, but people should never confuse talking with their priest with psychotherapy. Both can be helpful, but they are not the same. Remember, psychotherapy is, in essence, physical therapy for the brain. Unless your pastor has been trained in those techniques that actually change the way your brain functions under stress, then you are not getting therapy by talking to your priest about your anxiety any more than you would be taking medicine by talking to your pastor about your flu. Anxiety disorder sufferers should avail themselves of all the remedies available–including the spiritual remedies–but he or she should always be sure to speak to a mental health professional for treatment.

Which professionals should I turn to?

Many professionals treat depression, including General Practitioners, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Clinical Social Workers, and Mental Health Counselors. People are often confused about who can help best with their anxiety. The following can help you decide where to start.

General Practitioners–General Practioners/Family Doctors are often the first responders to anxiety disorders. While your family doctor can be a first stop on your road to recovery, he or she should not usually be the person primarily responsible for treating your anxiety because they simply don’t have all the tools and training necessary to offer you the fullest array of treatment options.

Psychiatrists are medical doctors who use medication almost exclusively to treat mental health problems. Psychiatrists, as a general rule do not do psychotherapy, nor do most have training in psychotherapy but they do refer patients to therapists. After an initial consultation, most appointments with a psychiatrist consist of monthly medication checks to assess the effectiveness of what’s been prescribed and make any necessary adjustments to prescriptions.

Psychologists are Ph.D-level clinicians with state licenses to offer counseling and psychotherapy. Generally speaking, they do not prescribe but refer to physicians when medication is necessary. While many other professionals provide psychotherapy to clients, psychologists are particularly known for their training in psychological testing and evaluation.

Clinical Social Workers, Mental Health Counselors, Marriage & Family Therapists–May be either Ph.D. or master’s level clinicians with state licenses to offer counseling and psychotherapy. They do not prescribe medication but will refer to physicians if medication is necessary. Each of these professionals may have slightly different specializations but for the most part, all are qualified to treat anxiety and related disorders.

Christian Counseling

Many Catholics wonder if they should seek Christian counseling/counselors for help. The answer is, “it depends.”

While research shows that clients are generally more satisfied and treatment progresses more rapidly when the mental health professional and client share values, clients should be aware that many “Christian counselors” have no training or license to do psychotherapy, but merely give “biblically-based” advice of one sort or another. In fact, many so-called Christian Counselors are hostile to psychotherapy and psychology in general.

That said, Pastoral Counselors are a type of Christian counselor who are licensed professionals and, in additional to their clinical training, have degrees or other specialized training in theology. Ideally, a Catholic person suffering with anxiety might benefit most from counseling with a Catholic Pastoral Counselor, a licensed mental health professional who was also trained in Catholic theology/spirituality, but these can be difficult to find (see Resources for options).

The bottom line is, when seeking treatment for anxiety, identify the most competent professionals you can find. From that short list, choose the one you believe will be most supportive of your faith and values.

Peace Be with You!

If you or something you love is dealing with an anxiety disorder, get help today. God has great plans for your life. Bl. Pope John Paul II was fond of reminding us to “become what you are.” You are God’s child. You are loved. You are precious in his eyes. Don’t let anything, not even your own feelings, stand in the way of experiencing how much God cherishes you and wants to bless you with his healing, peace, and all the qualities that enable you to live life as a gift.

Resources

Books:

God Help Me! This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! (Dr. Gregory Popcak)– offers practical techniques and insights from our Catholic faith for dealing more effectively with stress and the emotional struggles that result.

When Panic Attacks (David Burns)–A secular book that represents the gold standard for treating anxiety. Extremely practical & research-based. A great complement to treatment.

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If you or someone in your family has experienced any of the challenges described in this article, or would like to speak to someone about the possibililty of seeking professional help from a counselor, contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach. We can help you find faithful solutions to any of the above stress or anxiety-related issues. Call us to get the support you need to succeed.

4yr old Masturbating?

Posted on March 24, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

I recently fielded the following question from a concerned parent. Find my response below:

“My son is four years old and I have discovered that he has been playing with himself. I don’t want him to get the idea that his body is “bad” but I also want him to understand that what he is doing is wrong and offends God. What should I do? Please help.”

First, remain calm. The Vatican’s document, Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality tells us that it is not uncommon for parents to witness genital activity in their children “from the earliest age” and the best thing to do is correct such behaviors “gently.”

At this age, genital touching is not any more erotic for the child than other self-comforting, yet inappropriate behaviors such as picking his nose or ears or sucking his thumb. There are many things that make a four year old feel insecure, and in those times, he wants to hold something that makes him feel good. Let’s face it, inappropriate though it may be, genital touching feels good.

The first step is to simply correct his touching the same way you would correct him if he was picking his nose; with a calm, pleasant, “No thank you honey, please stop.” If the behavior persists, recognize it for the (non-sexual) comfort seeking activity that it is, and use the indirect approach. When you see him touching himself, simply scoop him up in your arms and give him a big hug and a silly kiss (the kind that makes him belly laugh). This has the dual effect of distracting him from the behavior, while giving him the comfort he is seeking. Try to be extra attentive to those times when he is bored, tired, or frustrated and be present with the extra affection. Do this consistently, and the behavior should disappear within two-four weeks.

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If you would like more in depth information about this topic as well as other topics related to raising sexually whole and holy kids, check out my book, Beyond the Birds and the Bees.

Childhood Shyness or Something Deeper?

Posted on March 24, 2014 by gpopcak

By: PaxCare Staff

Below, please find a question posed to us by a concerned parent, regarding an issue they had observed their 9-year old to be having in social situations as well as our best advice in response:

“My 9 yr old is bright, playful and energetic, but clams up when in the presence of other children his age. He doesn’t want anything to do with the neighbor kids, and though he does fine academically, the teachers say he hangs back during group activities. I think he’s just shy, but could there be other things going on here?”

It is somewhat unusual for a child of nine to be as withdrawn as you describe, although with the information available, it is difficult to say if there is something more serious going on, such as depression or an anxiety disorder. Either way, I would start with the basics. I wonder, for example, if your child feels incompetent at the games that the other children play, or if they pick on him, or if he is self-conscious about his body, or if he has other concerns of which you are not aware. Your first step needs to be asking him what he feels when he is in the presence of other children, observing, when possible, how other children respond to him, and giving him the skills he might be lacking (for example; teaching him the rules of those games, or role playing the healthy responses to situations he may encounter.)

Even if there is nothing more serious occurring, shyness can be a challenging obstacle to a happy and fulfilling life increasing the possibility of depression and anxiety disorders in adulthood. The good news is that shyness can be reduced significantly in a loving, encouraging environment. You will need to take the long view, but over the next few years, gently and consistently encourage him to take appropriate risks, even to the point of requiring it of him when it is obvious that he is physically capable of a particular activity (though be careful to keep your patience and avoid reducing him to hysterics any time).

Begin challenging his shyness by assessing his comfort zone. For example, is he comfortable playing with one child? Start there, and in a week or two, add another. In another month, expand the playgroup to three, and so on. Whatever the circumstance, begin where he is comfortable, then make him stretch just a little more until he has mastered that level, then ask him to stretch just a little more, all the while complimenting his success and sympathizing with his frustration, but never letting him off the hook for growing in confidence and competence.

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It is the hope of the PaxCare staff that you may have found something relevant and useful in the this brief exchange. For more great parenting tips for raising (almost) perfect kids, check out Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

5 Tips to Make Your Resolutions Stick

Posted on March 24, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Therese J. Borchard

I know what you’re thinking: another cheesy, goody-two-shoes article on how I can keep all those goals I’ve set going into 2014. If you abhor such articles (like 10 ways to de-clutter your bathroom), then keep on reading. I’m like you. Normal.

1. Bribe yourself.

A so-called parenting expert that I read last week claimed that bribing your kid to get him to do something was an example of irresponsible and ineffective parenting. I suspect that the same man sits in his quiet and tidy little office cranking out advice like that while either his wife or nanny is home doing the dirty work. Let’s face it. Bribing is one of the most effective tools to get anyone–your kid, your stubborn mother, your golden retriever, or yourself—to do something.

My running coach used this brilliant method to train me to run 18 miles. Before our run, he hid Jolly Ranchers along our route, every two miles, so he’d say to me when I wanted to stop, “In another half-mile, you get a treat! Come on, you can do it!” And like a rat spotting a half-eaten hotdog, I’d run to the candy. You want to make sure you stick to your resolution? Bribe yourself along the road there: at the one-fourth mark, one-half mark, and three-quarters mark.

2. Team up.

Think of the buddy system from Boy Scouts. Teaming up with someone means that you have to be accountable. You have to report to someone. Which brings down your percentage of cheating by 60 percent, or something like that. Especially if you’re a people-pleaser like me. You want to be good, and get an A, so make sure someone is passing out such reviews.

Also, there is power in numbers, which is why the pairing system is used in many different capacities today: in the workplace, to insure quality control and promote better morale; in twelve-step groups to foster support and mentorship; in exercise programs to get your butt outside on a dark, wintry morning when you’d rather enjoy coffee and sweet rolls with your walking partner.

3. Throw in a gimme.

This is to ensure on December 31 of next year, you will have succeeded at one goal. So make it an easy one: “Throw out my Christmas sweater with a sequined reindeer,” “Pitch my golf-ball socks with two huge holes in the toes,” “Give away my Yanni CDs,” “Frame the family photo I had taken two summers ago.” You see where I’m going with this one? Heck, if you list a bunch of gimmes, then you’ll feel even better about yourself come next December.

4. Allow some backtracking.

I think most of us say “to hell with it” around the third week in January because it takes that long for the brain to realize it is going to need a motherlode of discipline to keep the resolution, and our goal isn’t so newish and cool anymore. Like last May, when I decided to eat according to the “Skinny Bitch” diet. I consumed hummus and celery for three weeks straight, feeling fantastic every time I fastened my loose jeans. Then I got really stick of hummus and celery, so sick of them that I still can’t eat them to this day.

We need to go into our resolution knowing that we are very likely going to mess up in a few weeks, or maybe days, and that’s okay, because for every two steps backward we make another half-step forward. Technically, then, we can categorize it as “progress.” Moreover, if we lose our black and white thinking, and adjust our vision to see more colors— situations and events in which we can’t just eat celery and hummus— then we’ll be able to hang onto to our resolutions until February, and maybe even June!

5. Wear some resolution bling.

Let me explain this one. It has something to do with my obsessive-compulsive self, and being raised by a lot of nuns who held a lot of rosaries and holy water, other faith objects. I need reminders–ideally 234 of them–to refresh me on goals, promises, and prayers I recited myself in the morning with my coffee. And because tattoos are expensive and well, permanent, I go with jewelry, medals, and beads I can hang on to.

So, for example, my resolution this year is to worry less and trust God more, especially financially: to be a little more relaxed, in general, and to try to let the big guy upstairs deal with it before I take it from him, throwing a hissy fit. This is essentially the Serenity Prayer: to accept the things I can’t change, and to know the difference between the things that I can’t change and the things I can. So I wear a serenity prayer bracelet, each bead symbolizing part of the prayer. My keychain holds a large cross with the Serenity Prayer engraved on it, and it makes a jingling sound as I drive, to remind me that the pea-brained fellow in front of me who won’t let me around him is one thing I can’t change.

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These helpful tips don’t just apply to New Year resolutions but to any any effort you might make in your daily life to form a new habit or resolution. For more help, contact your PaxCare tele-coach. They can help you find faithful solutions to any and all of the challenges addressed in this article. Call us to get the support you need to succeed.

Four Do's & Don'ts of Marriage

Posted on March 24, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Beverly and Jim are newly engaged. Even though they are very much in love, they have big concerns. As Jim explains it, “Neither of us had the best models for marriage. My dad was an alcoholic and Beverly’s parents are divorced. How can we know what it takes to stay together?”

Their question got me thinking. Is it possible to boil down the keys to a successful marriage into some basic rules of thumb? Unfortunately, marriage isn’t quite that simple, but there are some do’s and don’t that are universally good ideas when it comes to living in love for a lifetime.

Do’s.

1. Pray

St. Paul reminds us that husbands and wives are to, “defer to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Everything a couple does must be about helping each other become the people God created them to be in this life and helping each other get ready for the next life. Pray together every day. When you have a disagreement, discuss it, then submit both of your wills to God’s will in prayer. Then get more information, discuss, pray, and repeat until you achieve a successful resolution to the problem. In the end, it doesn’t matter what you or your spouse wants, the only thing that matters is that you and your spouse are committed to helping each other more clearly discern what God wants.

2. Prioritize your marriage.

You are the most important influence in your spouse’s life second only to his or her free will and the saving power of Jesus Christ. As I mentioned above, your job is to help each other become who God wants you to be and to get to heaven. There is no other work more important, and no other relationship that can compete. You did not promise at the altar to place your mom, your dad, your, boss, your neighbor, or your Great Aunt Brunhilda first in your life, but you did promise God to place your spouse first. You must be prepared to give your mate not only symbolic first place “in your heart,” but also first place in your schedule, your allotment energy, and your commitment of time. If you are not doing this, then your life is disordered, your priorities are flawed, and your marriage will pay the price. Guaranteed. The promise to “forsake all others” does not merely apply to sexual partners, it applies to every relationship that seeks to compete with the primacy of the marriage.

3. Take time to talk.

Husbands and wives must have at least 30 minutes a day where they can talk openly, not just about what went on today and what they have to do tomorrow, but also about what is on their hearts, where their lives together are going, and what specific support they need from–or are trying to give to–each other in order to fulfill the prime directive of marriage; helping each other become who God created them to be and get ready for heaven. (Now, where did I hear that before?)

4. Learn new skills.

If you needed surgery, would you pick the doctor who hadn’t picked up a medical journal or been to a continuing education class in twenty years, or would you prefer the doctor who has kept current with the latest techniques and treatments? Of course you would pick the doctor who has kept current. But is the work of marriage any less important or challenging than the work of a doctor? (I’ve counseled many a doctor who said that marriage was harder.) Regularly read books on Christian marriage together and discuss what does and does not apply to you (and why). Take a marriage encounter weekend. Once a year, go on a mini retreat together where you spend a day or a weekend thanking God for the blessings of the past year and asking for guidance in the next. Stay current with the skills necessary for caring for each other’s heart and soul. You’ll be glad you did

Don’ts

1. Don’t Pick on each other.

Avoid all forms of name-calling and unnecessary criticism. These things wear out your welcome in a person’s life. When you must complain about something, make sure you do it in a charitable manner. Learn how to express your concerns in love. For specific tips on how to do this, check out my book, For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage.

2. Don’t Have Emotional Affairs.

Do you share information with someone before you tell your spouse? When something good or bad happens to you, do you think of sharing that with someone other than your spouse? Is there someone in your life that you feel understands you better than your mate? You may be committing emotional infidelity, and if this certain someone is of the opposite sex, then the problem is twice as bad.

If your mate isn’t your best friend, then recognize it is: a marital problem. Then get professional help to fix the problem. Seeking a confidante in someone else, especially someone of the opposite sex, is asking for trouble.

3. Don’t Marry a Script.

Too many couples don’t marry each other. They marry a script. Instead of taking the time to learn how to meet the needs of the unique person God gave us, we tell ourselves that we are being a good spouse if we do all the things our friends do for their spouse, or all the things that our mom did for our dad, or vice-versa. It doesn’t matter if our mate is miserable in the marriage. As long as we are following our script, we are doing our job. When our spouse complains, we shrug and say, “I’m doing everything right. It must be your problem.”

A good spouse learns the heart of the person to whom he or she is married and generously works to respond to those unique needs, even when doing so means leaving behind his or her comfort zone. Assuming that our mate doesn’t ask us to do something that is morally offensive or personally demeaning, we are obliged to meet the request, generously and cheerfully. If you don’t, then contrary to what you might wish to think, you are a lousy spouse. Start doing better today or suffer the consequences tomorrow.

4. Don’t play marital chicken.

Spouses love to play a game I call “marital chicken.” Like the game played in the 1950’s where reckless teens drove toward each other at high speeds, waiting for the “chicken” to veer out of the way, couples bluff each other in their own high stakes game when they say, “I would be more communicative/romantic/sexual/ playful/responsible/etc. if you would be more communicative/romantic/sexual/playful/ responsible/etc. But I know you, you’ll never change.”

When we play this game, we get to avoid doing our job while getting to feel self-righteous at the same time, but we’re just fooling ourselves. When we die and go to heaven (hopefully) and God says, “Why weren’t you the generous person I needed you to be to your spouse?” Do you really think it’s going to cut the mustard to say, “Well, Lord, I would have been generous, if only my spouse…”

These simple do’s and don’ts might not be all it takes to have a great marriage, but if you follow them, I can guarantee that you’ll have one of the best marriages on the block. You’ll be well on your way to living a marriage that will make the angels smile and the neighbors sick with jealousy.

Other Marriage-related Issues

Divorce.

Children are the biggest casualties of divorce. If you and your spouse have broken up, remember, you still have to parent together. Some states offer post-divorce parenting classes. Look into taking one with your ex. Likewise, don’t punish your kids when you are mad at your estranged husband or wife. Show up for visits when you are supposed to, pay your support on time, give your estranged partner first dibs on baby-sitting, try to maintain similar expectations of rules and behavior (go with whosever are higher, kids perform to your expectations) and never criticize the children’s other parent. You and your ex are responsible for the proper formation of your children even if you couldn’t manage to live together. Yes, we all know that temperatures run high when you are in the presence of your estranged mate. Even so, your children need grown-ups in their lives to guide them. Be one.

Infidelity.

In her book, The Good Marriage, author Dr. Judith Wallerstein observes that almost 20% of the most satisfied couples in her study had weathered an affair at some point in their marriage. But healing can be very difficult. Recovering from an affair is a complicated multi-stage process that requires the help of a good therapist to work through. Getting beyond the pain requires rethinking one’s priorities and deepening one’s capacity for intimacy, communication and problem solving. It is not uncommon for couples who have not gone through all the stages of post-affair recovery to still carry the pain of the affair with them for decades.

If your marriage has suffered the trauma of infidelity, pick up a copy of Dave Carder’s book, Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs. Also, be sure to contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach, who can help you find faithful solutions to any and all of the challenges addressed in this article. If needed, they can help you find a Catholic therapist who can guide you through the pain and toward healing and intimacy. Call us to get the support you need to succeed.

The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse.

America’s premier marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman identified four stages failing marriages go through in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. They are:

1. The First Horseman: Criticism

This is when spouses begin to complain, not about each other’s behavior (which is acceptable and even necessary sometimes), but about each other. This is the difference between, “It really bothers me when you do that.” And, “I’ve told you a thousand times how irritating that is. You are so inconsiderate!”

2. The Second Horseman: Contempt

The couple rarely, if ever, compliments each other. They tend to assume the worst about each other’s intentions most of the time. Most offenses are perceived as being committed intentionally, with malice, whether or not they really were. As soon as there is a problem, insults are lobbed directly at the heart of the person. The couple begins to hate being in each other’s presence for any length of time.

3. The Third Horseman: Defensiveness.

The couple has stopped listening to each other. “Discussions,” such as they are, take the form of charge and counter-charge. The couple is not really trying to problem-solve as much as each is trying to prove to some imaginary judge that it is their partner who is the bigger jerk.

4. The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling.

The couple has heard enough from each other. The charge-countercharge game is losing its appeal. Anymore, criticisms are met with shrugs, snide comments, or merely ignored. The couple tries to talk and relate as little as possible. They have all but given up hope that their problems can be solved. If this couple does not find competent help soon, separation may be immanent. Using the above criteria, Gottman’s study was able to predict with 95% accuracy which couples were going to be divorced within five years.

Retro-Sexual

Posted on March 24, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Michael Aquilina

The Thrill of the Chaste is a chick book. The author is clearly addressing female readers woman-to-woman. So why am I putting my masculinity on the line, by not only reading the book, but admitting that I read it – and even reviewing it? I have many good reasons, chief among them is that I, like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, have five daughters. And, like Tevye, I know that things can go very badly for young women today, even those who come from doting parents, a loving home, and the best shelter a pious-ghetto upbringing can offer. I believe that The Thrill of the Chaste has the potential to rescue young women from real danger, and so I want the world to know about it.

Confessions for the Modern World

I’m not exaggerating when I compare Miss Eden’s book to St. Augustine’s Confessions. The Thrill is, as the Confessions was, introspective, hip, a gorgeous piece of writing, and so brutally honest and self-revealing that it’s sometimes painful to read: “In a vicious cycle, single women feel lonely because they are not loved,” she writes, “so they have casual sex with men who do not love them. That was my life.” Miss Eden speaks of the gradual move from premarital sex to promiscuity, of “learning to detach, to feel as though I could separate the physical actions of sex from its emotional consequences.” She came to see lust as “a way station on the road to love.” “I had blunted my emotions for the sake of physical pleasure.”

She draws an analogy with eating disorders, calling her own promiscuity a sort of “spiritual bulimia.” “In attempting to escape loneliness, we accept a sexual act devoid of spiritual nourishment. Such nourishment can come only from the union of two permanently committed souls … [F]or a woman, the disconnected feeling that premarital sex brings can be emotionally disastrous.” Indeed, she says, “the same armor that enabled me to tolerate casual sex made me less attractive to the kind of man I most desired.” Then, for Miss Eden as for so many others, traditional morality was turned on its head: “good and evil themselves are redefined. No longer is it bad to allow oneself to use and be used sexually. The only sin is failing to ‘protect’ yourself by using a condom.”

False Promises

The author recalls that her relationships, devoid of love, often turned on “games” – the desire to control the other or to produce jealousy. In all cases, sex became a useful tool: “the main way I thought I could control a relationship was by either introducing a sexual component or allowing my boyfriend to do so. Either way, I would end up alone and unhappy – but I didn’t know how else to handle a relationship. I felt trapped in a lifestyle that gave me none of the things that the media and popular wisdom promised it would.” The Thrill is very much a New York book, written by a New Yorker. Miss Eden’s constant foil is the character Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex and the City.” A photo of the Manhattan skyline wraps around the bottom of the book. Surely New York needs the book, but I hope it will reach far beyond the city and even past the suburbs – because there’s not a corner of America that hasn’t bought into the “Sex and the City” ethic. It’s as universal as Cosmo in the supermarket.

One of the historical ironies is that the lifestyle has been promoted most ardently by women. (Miss Eden discusses Erica Jong and Helen Gurley Brown, among others.) They pitch it as liberationist and as a return to nature. As it’s played out, however, it has de-natured young women, objectified them, and locked them in rather cramped emotional prisons. Our author puts it in vivid, personal terms.

“This misguided, hedonistic philosophy harms both men and women, but is particularly damaging to women, as it pressures them to subvert their deepest emotional desires. Women are built for bonding. We are vessels, and we seek to be filled. For that reason, sex will always leave us feeling empty unless we are certain that we are loved.

When I was having casual sex, there was one moment I dreaded more than any other. I dreaded it not out of fear that the sex would be bad, but out of fear that it would be good.

If the sex was good, then, even if I knew in my heart that the relationship wouldn’t work, I would still feel as though the act had bonded me with my sex partner in a deeper way than we had been bonded before. It’s in the nature of sex to awaken deep emotions within us – emotions that are distinctly unwelcome when one is trying to keep it light.”

It was hard for me, as a dad, to read those paragraphs and think of the author as somebody’s daughter. And that’s probably as it should be. Miss Eden traces “the lifestyle” as we know it back to the divorce culture. She traces many of her own difficulties back to her parents’ divorce when she was six, and to her diminishing relationship with her father. “My past experiences with men … both the one-night stands and the attempts at relationships … were based around the idea of choosing the lesser pain. My big fear was that boyfriends would leave me – just as I feared as a child that my father would lose interest in me if I failed to earn his affection.” She does not, however, blame her parents; and, not surprisingly, it was the healing of her relationship with her father that “jump-started” her decision to live chastely.

A New Perspective

In any event, Miss Eden did not write this book for dads. She has, rather, written a powerful apologetic addressed primarily to women who are having premarital sex or are strongly tempted to have it. And she is putting a name on emotions they’ll recognize immediately, but maybe have never possessed the words to describe. I don’t want to give the impression that the book is negative or a downer. It’s not. The bulk of the book recounts the author’s growth in chastity and her discovery of Pope John Paul’s “theology of the body.” It’s overwhelmingly positive. And it’s deadly funny, too. Miss Eden savages women’s magazines, for example, for saying that “all you have to do is … learn a new ‘sex trick’ (as if you were some kind of X-rated poodle), and then ‘he’ll fall in love with you.’”

The Thrill will win readers over with its satire and its positive apologetics. Nevertheless, it’s the book’s confessional beginning that will establish a common bond between author and reader, and that’s where this book has the potential to change the world. I don’t recall a gratuitous word or a salacious line in the entire book. Still, the telling of the story requires that Miss Eden give some detail, and it’s probably too much detail for the innocent. But it’s not too much to scandalize the open-minded or the sincerely repentant. It’s a tight line to walk, but this author gets it just right. A father hopes his daughters won’t detour down the path Miss Eden took at age twenty. But, if they do, we can hope they’ll come round to the path Miss Eden took at age thirty-one. If they do, they’ll be the kind of women we hope and pray that our sons bring home.