Spiritual Guardians

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

disapointed spouseEvery person is created with a divine destiny: God created us for eternal union with him. Our earthly life is preparation for this union but all too often, we neglect our spiritual development through busyness and pre-occupation with the things of this world.

Sarah was on a mission. Her husband had become ambivalent about attending Church and praying in the home. She felt increasingly anxious about the impact of his actions on their children, who often complained “why do we have to go to Mass if Dad doesn’t?” She felt resentful and abandoned in the task of raising their children in faith and her criticism and nagging intensified even as he became more obstinate in his resistance. In her haste to reform her husband, she didn’t realise that she was neglecting her own spiritual life.

Some Christians fret and worry about their spouse’s lack of faith. In vain they try to nag, cajole and coax their spouse to attend church more often, pray more fervently, worship more piously and… be more like them! And usually, the harder they try, the more their spouse resists. Their lack of peace and presence causes their spouse to reject their project of reform.

The truth is, we cannot give that which we do not have, so our first responsibility is to develop our own spiritual life and to grow in virtue. This growth increases our capacity for love, making us a better spouse and connecting us with God’s peace. It also allows our spouse the freedom to find their own expression of faith while encouraging them through our example, which becomes a point of attraction rather than an issue of obligation or guilt. Only then do they become true ‘spiritual guardians’ rather than ‘spiritual dictators’.

How’s your Spiritual Health?

  1. On a scale of 0 (dead on arrival) to 10 (maxed out), how would you rate your spiritual health:
    1. Peace/serenity
    2. Prayer and devotion
    3. Growth in virtue
    4. Love for others
    5. Spiritual learning/education
    6. Right priorities
  2. Identify one growth area on which to focus and set yourself a spiritual goal for the coming week.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of CathFamily.

The Four Components of Wisdom

I think most of us would like to be wise, or at least hope to become wise one day.  But I wonder how many of us could articulate what wisdom really looks like.  I suspect most of us know wisdom when we see it, but how many of us would be able to articulate the skills or abilities make up wisdom?

Wisdom: 4 Keys to Getting Unstuck

Today on More2Life Radio, we discussed “getting unstuck.”  When we encounter situations that leave us not knowing what to do and we feel trapped or stuck, it is wisdom that helps us find the way out.  In preparing for the show, I came across a study that identified 4 skills that the researchers considered indicative of “wise reasoning.”  I thought they represented as good an operational definition of wisdom as I’ve ever encountered.  The more you cultivate the following abilities in your life and relationships, the more likely it is you will be able to find creative solutions to even the thorniest problems.  Take a look!

1.  The Ability to Recognize the Limits of our own Knowledge.

If we are willing to genuinely acknowledge what we don’t know, then we know when its time to seek new skills, resources, or counsel.

2. The Ability to Seek Compromise

Compromise has a bad reputation.  Most people tend to think of it as settling on the solution that is equally dissatisfying to everyone.  That’s a bad compromise.  A good compromise assesses what everyone’s needs are and then tries to brainstorm solutions that take those needs into account.  That takes some creativity and patience, but the wise reasoner recognizes that anything less just won’t hold over time.  Unless everyone is satisfied with a solution, it is no solution at all.

3.  The Ability to Consider the Perspective of Others

When we become stressed, we get tunnel-vision.  Wise reasoners  intentionally force themselves to consider the perspectives of others by asking questions like, “What would this person think?”  and “How would I advise someone else who was dealing with this problem?”

4.  The Ability to Recognize All the Possible Ways a Scenario Could Unfold

Too often, we become married to our ideal solution and we think that every other possible outcome can’t help but disappoint.   The wise reasoner is willing to both look at all the possible ways a situation could play out and ask themselves how they might make the best out of each of those possible outcomes.  This ability to see how multiple outcomes could be worked to one’s advantage helps generate a sense that “all shall be well” and makes it safe to consider solutions that might, at first, seem less than ideal.

Let Wisdom Watch Over You

Proverbs 4:6 says, “Do not forsake wisdom and she will protect you.  Love her, and she will watch over you.”  While there are many factors that can contribute to the achievement of wisdom, consciously cultivating these 4 abilities can set you on the path to becoming the sort of wise-reasoner who is able to find ways to get unstuck from even the stickiest situations.

 

Lectio Divina

By: Francine Pirola

bible

Lectio Divina is an ancient and powerful way of praying with scripture. It is so simple that it can be used every day. Yet it is also powerful, drawing forth deep riches from The Word of God.  Following five steps, preparing, listening, reflecting, responding and acting on The Word, this prayer is like a dialogue with God. The choice of scripture passage is up to you — you can use the Gospel of the coming Sunday, the Gospel of the day, a passage chosen at random or work your way through one book of the bible day by day.

1.       Prepare to Hear the Word

Lord Jesus Christ, you are the Son of the Living God.
Teach me to listen to what you tell me in the Holy Scriptures.
Let me hear your voice and discover your face in your Holy Word.
Amen.

Period of stillness and silence as we prepare to receive The Word.

2.       Listen to The Word — Reading

First reading of the text: listen for a word or phrase that stands out for you. Silently let The Word penetrate your heart.

3.       Reflect on The Word — Share

Share the phrase which has stood out for you. Do not comment on others’ contributions or elaborate on your own; just listen and let the phrase stay with you. Let The Word of God speak into your heart and allow silence in between each contribution.

4.       Respond to The Word — Prayer

Second reading of the text.

Reflect: What is the passage telling you about your life? What have you learned about God from the passage? What is God calling you to do?

Share your prayer which emerges from the text aloud.

Concluding Prayer: Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

5.       Act on The Word

Take The Word into your daily life with action based on your reflection.

Credit to Francine Pirola of SmartLoving  and CathFamily.

Using Virtues to Ward Off Bullying Behavior

By: Emily Stimpson

anti bullying

This is a tale of two anti-bullying programs. (Actually, it’s only the tale of one, but it starts out as the tale of two.) The first was launched at Harvard University last month. The second was launched in the Archdiocese of St. Louis last year. The first was founded by Lady Gaga and backed by Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey. The second was founded by Catholic educator Lynne Lang and backed by St. Louis Archbishop Robert Carlson and Catholic School Superintendent George Henry.  Gaga’s program has a flashy name, adapted from her song “Born This Way.” Lang’s program has a clunky acronym, VBRD, which stands for Virtue-Based, Restorative Discipline.  One of those programs is not your normal anti-bullying program. It’s a whole new way of approaching how children relate to each other, and accomplishes much more than simply curtailing bullying. Which is it?

Hint: It doesn’t take its name from a No. 1 Billboard hit.

Creating virtuous climate

While Born This Way and most similar secular programs promote tolerance and acceptance of all behaviors, lifestyles and choices, VBRD’s core goal is making children into saints. It seeks to form students in the Christian virtues, setting them on the path to holiness and teaching them how to repair the harm done by destructive behavior. Lang, who has worked for 15 years in the fields of violence prevention and health education, conceived the idea for VBRD when one of the archdiocesan school principals approached her about implementing restorative disciplinary procedures in the school. Lang wanted to expand that effort by providing a foundation for building Catholic identity. As she began to see the effect it was having on students, she realized she was “on to something.”  “We were seeing changes in the kids and changes in the staff. The whole climate of the school was changing,” she said.

Addressing root causes

The reason for that, Lang explained, was threefold.  First, the program aimed to change more than just the behavior of students. It aimed to help the adults in their lives better love God and practice virtue so they could help the children do the same.  “The solution to bullying rests in the hearts and minds of adults,” Lang said. “Kids learn their behavior from us, which means we have to change something in ourselves so we can model something better for them.”  Second, the scope was broader than traditional anti-bullying programs, seeking to address all forms of anti-social and disruptive behavior.  Third, was what Lang described as “the virtue piece” – not simply telling students what not to do, but modeling Christlike behavior for them.  “We’re not waiting for a problem to start,” said Lang. “We’re laying a foundation for life, helping them understand the virtues and develop a firm disposition to the good. We’re also helping them recognize the impact of their behavior on their relationship with others and with God. It’s addressing the root cause of the problem to promote systemic change.”  In July 2011, Henry brought Lang on board full time, naming her the director of school climate for the Catholic Education Center and encouraging her to develop the initiative as a model for all schools, with an eye toward using it to help meet one of St. Louis Catholic Schools’ primary goals: strengthening Catholic identity.  The program was fully launched in five schools this past fall, with five more schools implementing pieces of the program as they refine it further.

Adaptable program

In each school where VBRD has been implemented, it looks a little bit different, with each school able to make adjustments based on its unique needs.  Some schools, such as Holy Trinity, spent all last year prepping teachers, staff and parents for the program, learning more about the virtues together and developing ideas for how they could hand on what they learned. Other schools used the spring and summer before school to prepare themselves. The teachers and staff of Good Shepherd in Hillsboro, for example, did a book study on Father Benedict Groeschel’s  “The Virtue Driven Life”  (OSV, $10.25) in August.  Each school also decided on which of the virtues they wanted to focus, how much time to spend on each virtue, and what specific activities to do to re-enforce those virtues.

Common elements, on the other hand, include a regular focus on prayer; partnering younger students and older students to help each other learn about the virtue; hands-on activities such as drawing pictures, journaling, writing short stories and even making short movies; rewarding students and commending them for displays of virtue; and applying virtues in a community setting.  When disruptive behavior does occur, the schools don’t simply punish the students. They bring all the students involved together, discuss the causes of the problem and what virtues were absent, then look for ways to repair the harm done to the relationship.

More mature approach

Mariann Jones, principal of Good Shepherd, said the results thus far have been remarkable.  “Not only are we seeing a decrease in incidents, but when incidents do happen, there’s an increase in the maturity with which students handle the problems,” she said. “They are quicker to realize what harm they’ve done, and really want to make things right.”  Nina Ashby, a second-grade teacher at Holy Trinity, is also enthusiastic about the program.  “I’ve got little ones telling each other when they aren’t ‘using their virtues.’ They’re really getting it,” she said.  And the students aren’t the only ones getting it.  “At first some of the parents were resistant to the program. They didn’t understand it and were worried about the extra time commitment it would require of them,” Ashby said. “But now I’m hearing from parents about how their children are reminding them at home about the virtues and how it’s helping them live those virtues better.”

Credit to Emily Stimpson of  EmilyStimpson.com

What Stage is Your Faith?

We have a tendency to think that faith is faith.  But we all recognize that faith grows and changes with time.  What if faith evolved over specifically definable stages? What stage of faith would you be in?  What stage of faith are you called to be moving toward?

Universal Stages of Faith

In his classic book, Stages of Faith:  The Psychology of Human Development and the Quest for Meaning, Dr. James Fowler looks at how faith evolves over time. He identifies 6 Stages of Faith Development.   It’s important to note that while most of us think of faith in more religious terms,  Fowler isn’t necessarily referring to supernatural faith.  He imagines faith in more naturalistic terms–as the innate human search for meaning, purpose and significance.  Sometimes faith can be expressed through belief in a supernatural God or religion.  Other times, faith is expressed in less mystical ways.  Either way, the search for meaning, significance, and purpose in life is a universal human experience and whether you are a believer in a supernatural religion or not, your experience of faith (as defined as the search for meaning, significance and purpose) will evolve through discernible stages.

As we go through each stage, see if you can’t identify friends and family that match each stage (and try to guess where you might be)!

Stage One–Intuitive-Projective Faith:  This is the faith of toddlerhood and early childhood (about 0-3).  This is the time when one first starts hearing and exhibiting some basic understanding of the nature of one’s parents search for meaning, significance and purpose.  For instance, in religious households, children start recognizing there is some significance to words like, “God”, or “Jesus” or “Church”  even though these words still have little practical meaning to the child.  At this stage, the child intuits what these words mean from his parent’s example, and projects his relationship with his mom and dad onto the faith object (i.e., “God”, “Jesus”, “church”, etc).  In other words, whatever he feels toward mom and dad, he will feel toward these faith objects.   Secure bonding between parents and children is especially important at this stage as the attachment style the child has serves as an early catechism for feelings toward and about God and faith.

Stage Two–Mythic-Literal Faith:  This the faith of early childhood into middle childhood.  This is the time when the child learns the meaning-making stories of his parent’s faith-belief system; bible stories, saint stories, morality stories, etc.  These stories communicate meaning and significant truths in a simple manner even children can understand as they tend to have emotional resonance.  At this stage, children tend to believe these stories are literally true.  Any lessons or deeper meaning to be taken from these stories tends to be seen as a distant second.   The stories are important simply because they are “our stories.”   These stories will need to be internalized by the child before he is able to play with and reflect on the different levels of meaning that can be transmitted by faith-stories (for instance, the 4 senses of scripture).   This stage can often be accompanied by a tribalism that, on the positive side, gives the child a sense of belonging, but on the negative side can create suspicion toward people who are different.

Even though this stage is common to early childhood, many people stay at this stage for life.  At best, in adulthood, this stage reflects a simple piety with a humble, dutiful attitude toward faith leaders and moral norms.  At worst, in adulthood, this stage reflects an angry kind of us-vs-them fundamentalism that persecutes those who dare to think differently.

Stage Three–Synthetic-Conventional Faith: This stage of faith first comes online in adolescence.  This is the time when the person tends to see faith in terms of its ability to facilitate easy social relationships.  Having internalized the faith-stories he learned in stage 2, the person begins reflecting on how faith orders and impacts his relationships with others.  At this stage, much of a person’s faith journey is expressed in the search for a supportive community of people who  can make that person feel welcomed and affirmed.  The person at the Synthetic-Conventional stage tends to tacitly accept many of the teachings of his faith community without having really reflected deeply on them.   Because these truth-claims aren’t deeply understood, problems can enter in if these teachings negatively affect the person’s relationships or feel, somehow, unwelcoming. Doctrines that seem “mean” or “too hard” are either quietly laid aside or outright rejected for the sake of social convention.

Many people stay at this stage for life.  Moving through this stage tends to require a welcoming social group that supports the beliefs and practices of the particular faith group.  Alternatively, if the person’s social group is hostile to the beliefs of that persons faith-group, the person may either encounter a serious crisis where they abandon their faith,  or their faith development will become stuck in a state of perpetual, enmeshed, rebellion where they can’t leave (because of the relationships they have formed within the group) but they can’t accommodate to the doctrines (because those doctrines complicate their relationships).

Stage Four–Individuative-Reflective Faith:  This is typically the faith stage of early to middle adulthood.  At this stage, the person begins reflecting more seriously and critically on the faith stories he learned in his youth.  This person is prompted to ask hard questions about why certain things are true, in what contexts they are true and what levels of truth these stories convey.  At best, this stage allows for tremendous growth in understanding and wisdom of one’s faith traditions.  This can also be a time where a person becomes more suspicious of “easy answers” and tends to look down his nose at people who seem just a little too sure of themselves (especially the Stage 2 people he knows).  This stage is very susceptible to a kind-of syncretistic faith where everything is true and the only thing that matters is that whatever you believe brings meaning to your life.

People at this stage can tend to become fairly pleased with themselves for having had the courage to ask hard questions about their beliefs and other’s beliefs as well.  They often believe that this stage is the pinnacle of faith development when, in fact, it is merely the gateway to a mature faith.   Many people stay at this stage for life, becoming perpetual questioners/seekers.  Others, who have a more successful experience in this stage, use their experiences to come to a new level of maturity and understanding about the different levels their faith and their faith traditions operate on, leading to the beginnings of an individual, reflective, personally meaningful and coherent belief system.

Stage Five–Conjunctive Faith: This stage is usually consistent with middle-to-late adulthood, though, depending upon how intentional one has been about one’s faith life, one can come into it much earlier, much later, or never.   Conjunctive faith is characterized by three things:  First, a certainty about one’s own beliefs.  Second, a willingness to experience a “willed naivete” (i.e., a willed humility and acceptance) about certain beliefs or practices one used to reject or look down upon.  Third, a willingness to be generous toward others'(potentially) contradictory beliefs without lapsing into syncretism.  At the conjunctive stage, one tends to look for the deeper truths that connect more superficially polarized concepts.  For instance, the person at the conjunctive stage has learned to do a good job of being both just and merciful–and thus truly pastoral–in his dealings with others.  Or, for another example, the person at the conjunctive stage may have had to work very hard to understand that the “angry, warrior-God” of the Old Testament is really the same as the “loving, good shepherd God” in the New Testament (be careful, though, these are just illustrations, not “tests” of being in this stage).

At the conjunctive stage, the person may tend to re-examine certain beliefs or faith practices that he formerly rejected or looked down upon.  The character of this stage of faith journey is the quest for a wholistic faith that makes connections between disparate concepts without fudging the truth.  Being in the conjunctive stage is a bit like being the parent who, having built a bicycle for his child, decides to go back and figure out what to do with all the pieces that were left over (even though the bike still seems to work well-enough as-is).  This is what most would consider mature faith.

Stage Six–Universalizing Faith:  If Conjunctive Faith is mature faith, Universalizing Faith is saintly faith.  At all the previous stages, the person is more of a student of his faith.  At this stage, the person tends to be seen as an exemplar of his faith.  Regardless of the particular faith tradition that might be represented, this stage is characterized by a certainty of one’s own beliefs, a generous openness to the journey others are on, a sincere compassion for one’s fellow man, kindness, and the ability to be genuinely present, that is, to make the people they are with feel a sense of significance and sacredness just by keeping company with them.

Regarding this last quality, I think of the stories I have heard from people who were in Pope St. John Paul the Great’s presence who said that even if there were 100,000 people around them, for the moment they were with him, they felt like they were the only person in the world who mattered.  Obviously, achieving this stage of faith is very rare but it is observable.  If you think of the handful of people who you might consider to be truly holy, who are known for both their strength of faith and their genuine openness of heart, you will have a good sense of what I mean.

So, What Stage Are You?

These stages are still somewhat controversial as they have proven to be hard to validate empirically.  Nevertheless, they represent the best attempt, to date, to articulate a coherent vision of what faith is and how it evolves.  So back to the original question.  What stage are you at?  And what do you need to do to grow your faith from the point you are at to the point you are called to be?

Faith, Spirituality, Belief, Religion…What’s the Difference?

Conventionally, we tend to use words like, “faith”, “spirituality”, “belief” and “religion” interchangeably and, generally speaking, there isn’t anything wrong with that. But it may interest you to know that for those who study the psychology of religion, these words do have different meanings.  More than just an academic distinction, these differences can actually be quite enlightening and helpful for you in making clearer sense out of the different aspects of your own faith journey.  Let’s look at some of the differences between these common terms.

Faith— Most of us think of “faith” in supernatural terms, as in “faith in God.”  This is actually more of what psychologists of religion would call “belief” (see below). Faith, from a more naturalistic, psychological perspective, is merely the innate drive to search for meaning, purpose and significance.

From infancy, every human person has an innate sense that “there is something more than just me” and a drive to discover what that might be.  The baby calls out for the mother even when the mother is gone from view.  In the same way, all people, whether they are believers or not, seek the deeper meaning, purpose, and significance that exists in life, relationships and the things that happen to us.  We recognize this basic striving as “faith” and it is a universal part of being human.  Even atheists have this kind of faith.  I think this is an especially useful understanding of the term because of its universality.  We often hear that “faith is a gift”  but when we see so many people who do not believe in God, we wonder if God simply did not gift those people with faith.  The answer is that everyone has the gift of faith–that innate drive to seek meaning, purpose and significance–but some people have exercised this innate gift more than others, allowing their faith to be better defined than others.

SpiritualityFor psychologists of religion, the term “spirituality” represents both the things on which a person focuses his or her faith (e.g, God, church, nature, etc) and the things he or she does to try to make a connection with those things (prayer, sacraments, hiking).   In other words,  spirituality represents the paths a person’s faith (as defined above) travels as it seeks meaning, purpose, and significance.  In these terms, faith is an internal feeling, a sense that there is “something more.”  By contrast, spirituality represents the effort to find out what that “something more” might be.  Spirituality results when one’s faith that has been activated.

Belief–Belief represents the truths claims I make as a result of my spiritual journey.  When, as a result of my spiritual striving, I decide that “this is true” and “this is not” I am articulating various “beliefs” that I hold because of experiences I have had while trying to satisfy my innate sense of faith (i.e., that innate human longing for meaning, purpose, and significance) by engaging in various spiritual practices and pursuits.

Religion–Religion refers to the community of people who share similar beliefs and who work together to provide both support for going deeper into those beliefs and accountability for living up to those beliefs.  Religions codify beliefs into sacred texts and–by means of rituals and moral practices–seek to facilitate the deepest possible connection with the beliefs the particular community holds.

Of course you should feel free to use whatever terms you want in your conversation with your friends and family about these issues, but these distinctions can be helpful in discussions with people who wonder why so-and-so “doesn’t have the gift of faith” or what it really means when someone says they are “spiritual but not religious” or any number of other exchanges that can get bogged down when people use words in poorly-defined, little understood ways.

If you’d like to learn more about these terms or the psychology of religion, two great resources are James Fowler’s Stages of Faith: The Psychology of Human Development and the Quest for Meaning and Kenneth Pargament’s The Psychology of Religion and Coping.

Out on a Limb: Trusting Providence or Tempting the Lord?

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

prayer

You shall not put the Lord, your God to the test.

 ~Dt 6:16 and Mt 4:7

 “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess I’ll just assume that whatever comes next is God’s will.”

“We don’t worry about our finances. God will take care of the bills however he sees fit.”

“We don’t use Natural Family Planning (NFP), we just trust the Lord to give us as many children as He wants.”

In my work counseling Catholics all across the country, I regularly encounter comments like the above and, to be perfectly honest, they always make me cringe just a little bit.     On the surface, these comments sound very pious, even noble, and they are always spoken by well-meaning individuals whose hearts are decidedly in the right place. Even so, I can’t help but think that they are missing something.  It is true that time and again, Scripture cautions against worrying too much about things of the earth. “Consider the lilies,” the Lord says, “they neither toil nor spin, but not even Solomon was arrayed as these.” (See Matthew 6:25-34  for the full passage) On the face of it, it would seem that the Lord is telling us that we should just hang loose, relax, let His will take over and stop trying so hard to figure everything out.  And yet, through the Parable of the Talents, the Lord teaches us that we are to make full use of all the gifts we have been given. Our intellect and will are two of those gifts, and while we should not rely on them to the exclusion of seeking God’s will, neither should we ignore them, because they are important tools which help us clearly discern God’s will.

Abandon All Common Sense?

It seems to me that there is a fine line between abandoning ourselves to God’s will, and just being foolish. I remember back in college, some peers I knew in my bible study group were doing what they called “the Novena of Novenas” (Note: A  Novena is an ancient spiritual practice, approved by the Church, which consists of praying for a nine-day period for some specific, important intention)  As I recall, this was an eighty-one day cycle of prayers that would enable them to discover–presumably in a dream or some other major theophany (vision or manifestation of the divine)–what God wanted them to do when they graduated.  I remember commenting on their spiritual stamina, and then asking, “Have you been to the career counseling office?”

“No” they answered.

“Oh.” I said. “Have you taken any interest tests?”

“Nuh-uh.” They said.

“Have you talked to any people who do the kinds of work you might be interested in?”

“No.” They replied in exasperation at what they considered to be my obvious lack of faith. “We don’t want to do that because that is seeking what we want. We want to know what God wants.”

What my friends failed to realize was that the process of discernment requires the full participation of our will and intellect. As each one of them discovered eventually, God would indeed tell them what he wanted them to do, but only after they actively, willfully and intellectually investigated all of their options, using all of the resources (i.e., the career counseling office, magazines, interviews with professionals, survey courses, interest inventories, etc.) God had already made available to them.     When the Lord said, “Consider the lilies” he was not saying “Don’t do anything, just accept whatever you trip over as if it was my will.” He meant, as Proverbs says, “Work at your tasks in due season, and in time, God will give you the reward of your labors.”  In other words, seeking God’s will for your life does not mean throwing up your hands and saying, “Silly me. I couldn’t possibly ever wrap my puny little brain around that big ol’ problem. I guess I shouldn’t even try.”     It means saying, “I’m not sure how to solve this problem, but if I pray like it is all up to God, and work like it is all up to me, then I can trust that the Lord will bless the work of my hands and guide my steps so that, in time, his will would be made apparent.”

Having Faith vs. Shirking Responsibility  

Too often, when people say they are “letting God decide” what to do with their life, finances, or even family size, what they really mean is that they are chickening out. They don’t want to make a difficult decision, so they would rather just go along, ignorant, reserving the right to blame God if anything goes wrong. I am often saddened to confront this reality in my practice. I recently heard from a woman with ten children whose husband left her. She told me that she felt so abandoned by God. She admitted that yes, she and her husband had always had a very difficult marriage, but she just assumed that if God kept giving her children, it meant that he would look after the security of their relationship.     What she failed to realize was that God had given her and her husband the responsibility of balancing the unitive and procreative ends of their marriage. Through the doctrine of responsible parenthood, the Church tells couples that each month, they are obliged to prayerfully take into account the state of their marriage, their financial resources, their health, and ability to meet the needs of the present family members as they discern whether now is the time to bring a new life into their “community of love” (i.e., “family”).     This woman, for whom my heart broke, said she had refused to use NFP over the years because she thought that to do so would be asserting her will over God’s. But again, she didn’t understand that NFP is not “Catholic birth control.” Rather, it is a discernment tool, a call to prayer that encourages couples to reflect, each month, on the state of their lives and relationship with an eye toward either strengthening what already exists, or adding a new life to the family as a way of celebrating and witnessing to the strength and love that already exists in the family.     Now, after years of abandoning the intellect and will God had given them to balance the need to strengthen their unity with the need to be open to life, this husband and wife were angry at God for letting them down.

I recently spoke to another couple that was filing for bankruptcy. It seems that they had been having financial problems for a long time, but they didn’t know what to do about it. Rather than seeking credit counseling, or consulting a financial planner, or even making a budget, this couple simply decided to throw up their hands, put on a smiley face and assert that “God will not let us fall.” Well, he did. And the fallout was not only financial strife, but marital and spiritual upheaval as well. They blamed each other for failing, and they blamed God for letting them down.  But the fact is that even though God is a generous and loving Father, who tries to save us from our own stupidity, he is also a just God who allows us to experience the very real consequences of our folly; the consequences that accompany failing to use the gifts we have been given, most of all, our will and intellect.  Of course, none of this is to deny the amazingly generous providence of God, nor does it deny that there are times when God will ask us to do impossible things and bear us up while we do them. But even in these times it is absolutely necessary to use our will and intellect to discern whether it is really the voice of God speaking, or merely wishful thinking.     The Lord has intervened in miraculous ways many times in my life, but he has rarely done so when I have attempted to manipulate him into a miracle by blindly screwing up my life so much that the only way I could be saved was through massive divine intervention. Instead, in those times, God has given me the grace to clean up my own mess and move on.  And I always got the sense that as He looks on in love, he smiles, shakes his head, and says, “Next time, do ya think that maybe you could just USE THAT PERFECTLY GOOD BRAIN I GAVE YOU?!?” To which I respond,  “No promises, Lord. But I will certainly try.”

If you or someone you love are struggling with finding the balance between determining what is yours to do in life and what is left to God, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the solutions you are seeking.

Singing "in tune" With the Church's Love Song

By: Christopher West

church pews

In a recent washingtonpost.com article entitled “Catholic Girls Gone Wild?” (March 1, 2010),   Patrick Reilly, president and founder of The Cardinal Newman Society, reported a disturbing trend among women attending Catholic colleges.   It seems that statistics on the casual “hook up” — sex without any expectation of a relationship — are hiked up among women at Catholic campuses.

Reilly writes, “Researchers from Mississippi State University considered a survey of 1,000 college students nationwide and were surprised to find that ‘women attending colleges and universities affiliated with the Catholic Church are almost four times as likely to have participated in “hooking up” compared to women at secular schools.’”  Why should this be the case?   Broadening the question, why is it that so many young people raised in Catholic homes end up throwing their morals away when they reach college?   I’m sure there are many factors.   One large one, I believe, is the way many of these young people have been raised to think of the Catholic Faith, especially around the topics of human freedom and human sexuality.

Hitting the Right Notes

The Church has a glorious and incredibly joyful song to sing to the world about freedom and love (it’s called the Song of Songs!).   But, in my experience with Catholic audiences around the world, it’s easy to observe that few Catholics are “in tune” with this joyful song.   Understandably.   As anyone who attempts to sing with the Church can attest, it ain’t easy.   In our attempts to hit the notes, we often go sharp or flat.  On the “flat” side, countless Catholics were not raised with correct Catholic teaching at all, other than to scorn it perhaps.   They usually grow up embracing a “do what you will” moral relativism.   On the “sharp” side, however, a great many Catholics may have received “technically correct” teaching, but in a very dry, sterile, and imposing way.   The “flat” way promotes freedom without respect for truth.   But the “sharp” way promotes truth without respect for freedom.

Respect for the freedom of the person in religious and moral matters — by this we mean not imposing the good by force, but proposing it in its full beauty and inviting others to embrace it — is a key teaching of the Catholic Church (see “Freedom” in the index of the Catechism of the Catholic Church).   As I wrote in my book Theology of the Body Explained, “How often have children educated in the faith rejected it as adults because their teachers — whether parents, pastors, or others — tended to impose religion upon them without respect for and education in authentic human freedom? Freedom must be challenged to submit itself to truth, but no one can be forced to accept the truth without doing violence to the dignity of the person” (p. 57).

Respecting Freedom, Embracing Hope

In the case of raising children in the faith, it is certainly proper for parents to provide structures and rules for their children in helping them make moral decisions.   However, as Pope Benedict XVI makes clear, moral decisions “can never simply be made for us in advance by others — if that were the case, we would no longer be free.”   Moral well-being “can never be guaranteed simply through structures alone, however good they are.   Such structures are not only important, but necessary; yet they cannot and must not marginalize human freedom” (Saved in Hope 24).

Parents have the delicate task, especially in the teen years, of learning how to honor their children’s freedom — even when they choose wrongly.   As John Paul II stated, “people have a right to their liberties, even if they make mistakes in exercising them’” (cited by Weigel in Witness to Hope, p. 533).   When we impose the good without respect for and education in authentic freedom, we actually contribute to the dynamic of rebellion in our children that often leads to college “wildness.”   This is why the Pontifical Council for the Family calls parents to “recognize the fragment of truth that may be present in some forms of [their children’s] rebellion” (Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality 50).

Educating our children in the moral vision of the Church is not about imposing rules upon them.   If this is our approach, we shouldn’t be surprised to discover that when the cat’s away, the mice will play.   Rather, we should be teaching our children the full splendor of the Church’s love song.   When we do this, the Church’s teaching doesn’t need to be imposed.   We naturally long to join in the glorious music.

“I See You”: From Augustine to Avatar

By: Christopher West

green earth

In 2010, when Avatar  became the top grossing movie of all time, I thought I should see what all the hype was about.   Reluctantly, I went.   And I was pleasantly surprised.  Yes, I agree with much of what has been said about it’s unoriginal plot (Dances with Wolves  in space).   And there’s certainly plenty to criticize from a theological point of view (besides the overt eco-religion it espouses, the plot itself rests on a dangerous body-soul dualism that imagines one’s “consciousness” can be transferred to another body).

Still, I think there is much to like about this film.   Beyond its breath-taking visuals and awe-inspiring special effects (it’s as much a game-changer as Star Wars was in its day), I was especially taken in by the three simple words with which the Na’vi people greet one another: I see you.   As the movie explains, it means more than seeing the other physically with your eyes.   It means seeing into  the other, understanding the other, embracing the other.   It means seeing the other person’s heart, the other person’s person.  And here James Cameron, the movie’s writer and director, may well be drawing directly from St. Augustine (in the film, Sigourney Weaver’s character is named Grace Augustine — hmmm).   It was the Catholic “Doctor of Grace” who said that the deepest desire of the human heart is to see another and be seen by that other’s loving look (see Sermon 69, c. 2, 3).

Intamacy:  In-to-me-see

This yearning to see and be seen, like the beauty of the distant planet Pandora itself, harkens back to Eden, to the original way of “seeing” upon which John Paul II reflected in his Theology of the Body (for more on how Avatar points to Eden, see Bill Donaghy’s excellent article on catholicexchange.com).   As the late Pope expressed it, the first man and the woman “see each other more fully and clearly than through the sense of sight itself.”   They see each other with an “interior gaze” (see TOB 13:1) — a gaze that sees “into” the other, creating a profound bond of peace and intimacy (or shall we say “in-to-me-see”?).

An “interior gaze” is precisely what the Na’vi express when they say, “I see you.”   And that, I believe, is one of the appeals of Avatar: it calls us to a different way of seeing one another, and the world around us.   Unfortunately, Avatar’s  green agenda pushes the limits of honoring creation over the edge into a kind of nature worship, as if creation itself were a goddess.   But isn’t this error simply the twisting of a truth?   What is the truth that “nature worship” distorts?  As I was pondering this question, I was reminded of a remarkable statement of St. Louis de Montfort in True Devotion to the Blessed Virgin.   There he writes of how St. Denis was so taken by the “wondrous charms” and “incomparable beauty” of the Blessed Virgin that “he would have taken her for a goddess . . . had not his well-grounded faith taught him otherwise” (True Devotion 49).

Revealing the “unknown gods”

I’m speculating here, but I wonder if it just might be that some of the goddess worship of various cultures throughout history is a universal sense of the mystery of Mary, or even a kind of Marian encounter — but they mistake her “incomparable beauty” for a goddess because they don’t know the true faith.   And perhaps rather than dismissing such goddess worshipers as “pagans” we should show such people the same compassion that St. Paul showed the Athenians with their famous altar “To an Unknown God.”   Instead of dismissing them, Paul yearned to tell them who this unknown God really was (see Acts 17:22-23).

In this same spirit, shouldn’t we say to all the “earth-goddess” worshipers of history: “Let me tell you the name of this mysterious and beautiful feminine presence you feel. She is not divine, she is one of us.   But she is so beautiful, and we are indeed tempted to mistake her for a goddess, because she has been divinized by God.   And this is a testimony of what the true God wants to do with each and every one of us (see Catechism  460).   Do not worship her!   But do let her beauty awaken the hope in you of participating in the divine life which is the source of her beauty.”  In this way, rather than condemning those misguided by nature worship and eco-religion, we would be lovingly leading them to true worship.   And at the same time, we’d be saying, “I see you.”

Immaculate Conception and Theology of the Body

By: Christopher West

mary & jesus icon

December 8 is one of my favorite feast days.   Why?   Because Mary’s Immaculate Conception (the solemn feast day celebrated in the Church on this day commemorating Mary’s being conceived without sin) is the certainty that what Christ did on the Cross worked.   It is the living hope of humanity’s redemption.   For redemption to be complete, it not only has to be perfectly given, it also has to be perfectly received.   It has been perfectly given in Christ, and perfectly received in Mary, who, through “a singular grace and privilege” was “redeemed from the moment of her conception” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 491).

The Connection Between the Cross & Immaculate Conception  

Volumes could be written about the connection between this feast and the “great mystery” unfolded in John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (TOB).   For starters, it’s no mere coincidence that John Paul II began writing his TOB on this marvelous feast day — the handwritten date on page one of his original manuscript says December 8, 1974.   And above that he wrote this dedication: Tota Pulchra es Maria — “You are all beautiful, Mary” — a clear adaptation of the bridegroom’s words in the Song of Songs, “You are all beautiful, my love, there is no blemish in you” (Song 4:7).  It’s a long held tradition of the Church to recognize Mary as the “unblemished” bride spoken of in the Song of Songs.   As the perfect model of the Church, Mary represents the mystical bride for whom Christ “gave himself up … that he might sanctify her” that she might be “without spot or wrinkle … holy and without blemish” (Eph 5:25-27).

Of course, it may seem odd to speak of Mary in some way representing Christ’s “bride.”   Bishop Fulton Sheen explained it this way: “Now we’ve always thought, and rightly so, of Christ the Son on the cross and the mother beneath him. But that’s not the complete picture. That’s not the deep understanding. Who is our Lord on the cross? He’s the new Adam. Where’s the new Eve? At the foot of the cross. … And so the bridegroom looks down at the bride. He looks at his beloved. Christ looks at his Church. There is here the birth of the Church” (Through the Year with Bishop Fulton Sheen, Ignatius Press 2003).

The work of redemption was consummated on the Cross.   And so, in a very real way, Mary was immaculately conceived — that is, she perfectly received the gift of redemption — not only in her mother’s womb, but also at the foot of the Cross.   In fact, the event that took place in Saint Anne’s womb is inexplicable without the event that took place at the Cross.   As John Paul II once observed, “Spouses are … the permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the Cross” (Familiaris Consortio 11).   Perhaps the spouses that reveal this most clearly are Saints Joachim and Anne.

Anne & Joachim: Parents of the Virgin Mary

In the art of the East, the icon of the Immaculate Conception is actually an image of Joachim and Anne embracing.   Behind them is their marriage bed, and behind that sacred mystery we see the gates into the holy city of Jerusalem.   Through this “all holy” image (the Fathers of the Eastern tradition call Mary “the All-Holy”), we are led to contemplate a spousal love that not only cooperated with God in his power to create  human life, but also cooperated with God in his power to redeem it.   In this holy embrace of Joachim and Anne, we can truly speak of a love that was not only “pro-creative” but also, at the very same time, “pro-redemptive.”

As we learn in John Paul II’s TOB, authentic spousal love draws its deepest essence from the very mystery of creation and redemption.   It’s not only meant to bring new life into the world, it’s meant to save us from sin and prepare us for heaven.   Who by his own strength can live this divine kind of love? Only the grace of salvation makes it possible.   It’s not something we can muster up.   It’s only something we can receive.   And this is precisely what we celebrate on this grand feast of the Immaculate Conception — the receptivity of the human heart (Mary’s) to the saving love of God.

Mary, in all the joys and trials of life, teach us how to open our hearts to so great a love!