How To Grow Closer to God This Lent

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In my time as a pastoral counselor (and my lifetime of being Catholic) I’ve heard a lot of mixed feelings and views about Lent, and how to approach our Lenten practices. More often than not, however, I hear of a belief that Lent is a time where we simply give things up or “suffer“ enough that we somehow will heal our relationship with God and grow closer to Him. This stems from the idea that “if I was just holy enough I wouldn’t have the struggles that I do.” But more often than not, this approach leads to a feeling of fear, guilt, or anxiety, because it comes with the notion that we have to earn God’s love or that God has the intention of punishing us.

To reframe our view of Lent and what it’s meant to be, I think it’s important that we first define the difference between “suffering” and “redemptive suffering.” Suffering occurs when we undergo pain, distress, or hardship. That’s it, that’s where it ends. Redemptive suffering, however, occurs when we endure something difficult for the sake of a greater good, it is a suffering that leads to a greater healing, and works for the good of ourselves and others.

God never intends or desires for us to suffer for the sake of suffering. Jesus modeled this by enduring the greatest suffering for us to work for our good and to redeem us. Jesus’ suffering, while great, was redemptive. And he suffered in that great way so that we didn’t have to!

If we keep this perspective in mind, we can see that Lent is not simply about suffering, it’s about growing. Growing in our strengths and virtues, growing in becoming more of who God created us to be, growing in our relationships on earth, and growing in our relationship with God. This can mean giving something up, or it can mean working on something. Having difficult conversations we’ve been putting off; changing the way we talk to ourselves so that it aligns with who God created us to be rather than demeaning ourselves;  learning to set healthy boundaries with others, because allowing people to treat us badly doesn’t work for our good or theirs; and so much more. Lenten practices are about what good we are working towards, not just giving something up for the sake of suffering.

Another important reminder for us, is that when Jesus went through that tremendous redemptive suffering for us, he did not do so alone. He was not isolated and carrying his cross alone. He allowed Simon to help him carry his cross, others were there at the foot of the cross. He was not alone. And He does not want us to be alone in our suffering. He modeled to us many times the importance of asking for help. Asking God for help, asking for help from the people around us, or seeking help when it is not immediately around us. We are not alone, and often, it takes a lot of courage to ask for help. So this in and of itself could be a Lenten practice—growing in the ability to seek support and accept help when needed.

Whatever you choose to focus on this Lent, remember that God desires a relationship with you. He loves you. He does not want you to suffer for the sake of suffering, he wants you to grow closer to Him and He wants you to allow Him into your life so that He can be closer to you. Focus on growth this Lent, and remember that whatever you choose to do is intended to work for the good of yourself and others.

Making Couple Prayer Meaningful: A Simple Guide to Praying Together

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Last time, we explored the power of couple prayer and how praying together can bring you closer not only to God but also to each other. But once you’ve made the decision to pray as a couple, you might find yourself wondering, Now what? How do we actually do this?

Dr. Greg Popcak, founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, reassures couples that there is no single “right” way to pray together. In Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak remind us that the goal of prayer isn’t just to check it off a to-do list—it’s to cultivate intimacy.

“All prayer is an act of intimacy,” he explains. “It should draw you closer both to God and the people you’re praying with.”

If you and your spouse are just beginning to pray together, or if you’re looking for ways to make your prayer time richer and more meaningful, the Popcaks offer a simple, structured framework: the PRAISE method.

The PRAISE Method: A Simple Framework for Couple Prayer

To help couples overcome nervousness and ensure a balanced, heartfelt prayer experience, Dr. Popcak suggests using the PRAISE acronym:

1. P – Praise and Thanksgiving

Start your prayer time by expressing gratitude.

“Take a little bit of time to thank God for the things that have happened in your day,” says Dr. Popcak. “Praise God for his love and who he is to you, just like you would with your spouse when you express gratitude for them.”

This can be as simple as thanking God for small blessings—a good conversation, a safe trip, or a moment of peace in a busy day.

2. R – Repentance

While this isn’t a substitute for Confession, it’s a chance to reflect on your actions and attitudes.

“Take a little bit of time to talk about those things that you wish you had done differently that day—things that are obvious to each other,” Dr. Popcak suggests.

Maybe one of you lost patience, spoke too harshly, or was too distracted to truly listen. This step is about seeking God’s grace to love each other better tomorrow.

3. A – Asking for Your Needs

Many of us are naturally good at this part of prayer. But if you hesitate to ask for what you think you need, keep in mind that God wants us to bring our concerns to him.

In this step, share your worries, hopes, and needs—whether they’re about work, health, finances, or relationships. Be honest with God and with each other. Keep an open heart, trusting that whether God meets your needs in the exact way you want, he always wants you to grow and flourish.

4. I – Interceding for Others

Prayer isn’t just about our own lives; it’s also an opportunity to lift up others. This is something we do at every Mass during the Prayer of the Faithful.

“Bringing the people we care about to God is an important way we can serve them and remember them in our relationship with him,” says Dr. Popcak.

Pray for your children, family members, friends, neighbors, people in the world facing hardship—even (and maybe especially) the difficult people in your life. This helps cultivate a heart of generosity and compassion.

5. S – Seeking God’s Will

Some of life’s biggest decisions—changing jobs, moving, parenting challenges—require ongoing discernment.

“Bigger questions don’t have easy, quick answers,” Dr. Popcak acknowledges. “But bringing them to God regularly allows him to fill your heart and mind with his wisdom and clarity.”

In this step, talk openly with one another and with God about important decisions. Ask him to guide your choices and help you discern his will.

6. E – Expressing the Desire to Keep the Conversation Going

Finally, prayer shouldn’t be something you do and then forget about until the next time. “Prayer is a conversation with God that should continue throughout your day,” says Dr. Popcak.

He encourages couples to close their prayer time with a simple statement of commitment: “Lord, thank you for this time together. Help us to hear your voice and love each other well until we meet again in prayer.”

Making Prayer Your Own

One of the best things about the PRAISE method is its flexibility.

“The nice thing about this format is that it’s infinitely adaptable,” Dr. Popcak tells couples. “It can take ten minutes or an hour. You can incorporate formal prayers like the Rosary before or after, or just use this method on its own.”

The key is to make prayer a natural, life-giving part of your relationship. Whether you follow the PRAISE method exactly or simply let it inspire your prayer time, the most important thing is to bring your whole heart into prayer—just as you bring your whole heart into your marriage.

As Dr. Popcak puts it: “If you can do that, that’s all that really matters, because that’s all God and your mate really want—for you to love them with your whole heart, mind, and strength. And that’s what couple prayer is about learning to do.”

If you’d like more guidance on making prayer a meaningful part of your marriage, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, is a great place to begin. And if you need more personal help with your marriage, contact one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

A Powerful Key to A Stronger, More Satisfying Marriage

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Couples who pray together, whether they are dating or married, enjoy a wide range of benefits: better communication, relationship satisfaction, and trust, according to a wide body of research.

So why do so few couples—perhaps only 4 percent—pray together?

Many couples say that the idea of praying together feels awkward—even intimidating, according to Dr. Greg Popcak, founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and co-author, with Lisa Popcak, of Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love.

But despite these common misgivings, Dr. Popcak has seen the transformative power of couple prayer in his practice. In fact, the Popcaks say couple prayer is one of the most powerful ways to build a strong, loving marriage.

Prayer Is Fundamentally Communal

Another objection that many Catholics raise about praying as a couple is the idea that prayer is meant to be private. But as Dr. Popcak points out, the Church teaches that all prayer—even prayer that you say individually—is, at bottom, the prayer of the whole Church.

“By definition, prayer is an activity that draws us into deeper intimacy with God and others,” Dr. Popcak says.

The Mass, the sacraments, and even Confession remind us that our faith is lived in community. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says: “Prayer is Christian insofar as it is communion with Christ and extends throughout the Church, which is his Body” (#2565).

When a couple prays together, they invite God to be at the center of their relationship. They open themselves to his grace, allowing him to shape their love and guide them through life’s challenges. If all prayer helps us forge stronger relationships with God and others, it makes sense that praying together as a couple would strengthen your marriage.

Four Tips for Praying with Your Spouse

If the idea of couple prayer makes you nervous, take heart. Praying together doesn’t have to be complicated or formal. In fact, the best prayers are those that come from the heart. Here are four simple steps to help you begin:

1. Relax—There’s No “Right” Way to Pray

Many couples hesitate to pray together because they fear doing it “wrong.” They imagine needing to kneel, use formal language, or follow a rigid structure. But prayer is simply a conversation with God.

“In John 15:15, Jesus calls us his friends,” Dr. Popcak reminds us. “There’s no more right way to pray than there is a right way to talk to a friend.”

Just as you and your spouse talk about your day, your joys, and your struggles, you can talk to God in the same way. Some days, your prayers might be simple and brief. Other times, you might pour out your worries or share your gratitude. All of it matters to God.

2. Make It a Habit

Prayer becomes easier the more you do it. The key is consistency. Try picking a specific time to pray together, such as:

  • Right before bed
  • After dinner
  • Once the kids are asleep

By establishing a routine, you’ll grow more comfortable with prayer and start to experience the profound power of praying as a couple.

3. Encourage One Another

Building a new habit takes time. If you miss a day—or even a week—don’t get discouraged. The important thing is to keep trying.

Avoid keeping score over who initiates prayer more often. Instead, focus on simply making it happen. Support and encourage each other along the way.

4. Respect Different Prayer Styles

Not everyone prays the same way, and that’s okay. One spouse might feel comfortable praying out loud, while the other prefers silent reflection. Some might enjoy reading Scripture, while others prefer spontaneous prayer.

Dr. Popcak advises couples to be patient and respectful: “Be careful not to criticize each other or laugh about the way your spouse prays. God welcomes all prayer, no matter how it’s expressed.”

When a couple prays together, they give God—the very source of love—the opportunity to teach them how he wants them to love one another. By making prayer a regular part of your relationship, you’ll open the door to deeper intimacy, greater unity, and a love that reflects God’s design.

Next time, we’ll look at a simple framework for guiding your prayer time together. In the meantime, if you want to learn more about couple prayer, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, is a great resource to help you take the next step. You can find it at CatholicCounselors.com.

3 Practices for a Happier, Holier Holiday Season

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The period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is typically one of the more hectic and stressful times of the year, especially for families with children in the house. The irony is that the holidays we celebrate during this time of year—Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, the New Year—were originally established to help us connect more intimately with God and one another.

What’s the solution? Getting back to the root reason for these holidays is a good start, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak on their CatholicHŌM podcast. (You can find it exclusively in the Podcasts section of the CatholicHŌM app.)  They suggest reviewing (and possibly revising) your holiday plans before things get crazy with one goal in mind: protecting and nurturing your most important relationships.

Here are three areas to evaluate as you chart your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

1. Prioritize Connection Over Perfection

Sometimes, we enter the holiday season aiming for our very own “Hallmark movie moment,” focusing on decorating, baking, and finding that perfect gift. Unconsciously, we think that if our stagecraft is good enough, moments of emotional warmth and connection will follow.

But instead of aiming for movie-set decorating and gift-giving perfection, the Popcaks suggest putting your energy into strengthening family relationships and creating opportunities for meaningful moments.

“It all starts with being extra intentional about taking care of one another,” Greg Popcak says.

“God’s presence is manifested in that caretaking that you give to each other, that sacrificial love that your priestly mission of baptism reveals,” he says. “And so the more you ask, ‘How can we take better care of each other as a couple or as a family? What do we need from each other to really not just get through the holiday…but really to love each other through the holiday?’ That’s what Advent is calling us to as families.”

Research shows that families whose members routinely show extravagant affection and affirmation to one another, and who respond promptly and generously to one another’s needs, tend to have stronger, warmer relationships.

“You know, those things don’t come naturally, and it takes some effort and it takes some intention,” he says. “But even if we picked one of those things, either for the whole Advent season or every day…that would help us find ways to make a little bit more room for Christ and make our homes a little bit holier and a little bit more peaceful by Christmas.”

During the busyness of the holiday season, it’s especially important to protect your family’s time together. Doing that may require some planning, Lisa Popcak says. Don’t just squeeze family time into the gaps between a myriad of other obligations; schedule it on your calendar. Your time together doesn’t need to be elaborate; some of the most meaningful moments are often the simplest. Go on a drive around town to view holiday lights, for example, or schedule a nighttime sledding party and bonfire.

2. Clarify Your Priorities, Then Set Boundaries to Protect Them

When your children look back on this holiday season ten years from now, what do you want to stand out for them? What words or phrases do you hope they might use to describe this time? What are the values or experiences you want to stand out in their memory?

Asking those simple questions can help you clarify the values and priorities that guide your choices during the holiday season. Maybe you want to incorporate more faith-based activities; maybe it’s time to begin creating new holiday traditions for your family; or maybe you want to simplify expectations. Figure out your priorities as a couple first, then bring your children into the conversation to see what traditions or activities are most important to them. Knowing what matters most allows you to focus your energy where it counts.

Once you know your priorities, do what you need to do to make space for them. This might mean letting go of something you’ve just “always” done.

Take Advent traditions, for example. Advent traditions “were really created in the first place to build intimate connection between the family and God,” Greg Popcak points out. “And if those particular traditions are actually standing in opposition to your connection with each other and God…maybe it’s time for that tradition to either go or be approached in a different way.”

Annual activities with extended family might need to be approached differently, too. For example, let’s say one of your priorities is to spend time together with your own family on Christmas Day rather than traveling to visit your parents. You still want to see your parents, of course, and your parents want to see you and their grandchildren. But you can honor the “what” of this tradition while negotiating the “when” and “how,” Lisa Popcak says.

You don’t need to apologize or offer excuses to your parents or extended family, she says. Instead, affirm your desire to connect during the holidays and then look for alternative ways of doing that.

“You’re adults with your own children now, so you really don’t need anybody’s permission,” she says. “You just want to move the relationship (with extended family) to a place of connectedness in a way that works for you and your family.”

3. Practice Heartfelt, Honest Prayer

Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact that the purpose of the Advent and Christmas seasons is to help us draw closer to God. The Church offers us a lot of ways for doing this during Advent and Christmas, from the Jesse Tree to the Advent wreath, from the O Antiphons to manger blessings and Christmas novenas.

All of those prayer and devotional traditions are wonderful, the Popcaks say—as long as they really deepen your relationship with God.

“Formal prayers work when they are at the service of the heart, not standing in place of the heart,” Greg Popcak says. “We’ve got to start with the heart in family prayer.”

For example, let’s say that it’s been a hectic, stressful day, and by the end of it, everyone is irritable and crabby. Things have been said that, while not awful, definitely aren’t bringing people closer. Now, at the end of the day, you gather everyone around the Advent wreath to do a quick run-through of “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” because it’s just part of your nightly routine during Advent.

But reciting all the prayers and singing all the hymns without bringing your hearts to God defeats the whole point of those prayers and hymns. Instead, begin with a heartfelt prayer that brings to God what is going on in your family right here and now.

Lisa Popcak offers this example prayer: “You know, Lord, help us to be a better team. Help us to learn to listen to you and to take good care of each other through this stressful holiday time. Help us to learn how to make room in our home and our hearts for more of your love.”

Once you have turned your hearts to God, take the time you need to have a conversation as a family about how you might do better going forward. Then celebrate your Advent wreath service, a little more joyfully than you would have otherwise. Or, call it a day, because what is really important is making that connection to God and asking for him to bless your family with his love and help.

Remember, if the holiday crazies start getting your family down, get back to the root reason for the season by prioritizing warm and meaningful connections, doing what is necessary to make space for your priorities, and asking for God’s help through it all with heartfelt family prayer. If you can work on these three foundational practices, you will be on your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

This article is an abridged version of advice Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak offered on the CatholicHŌM Podcast, episodes 16, 18, and 43. It’s available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.

Everything You’ve Been Told About Raising Faithful Catholic Kids Is Wrong

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Several times a week, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear from parents whose adult children no longer practice the Catholic faith they were raised in. These callers to the More2Life radio program are devout Catholics who did “all the things” to pass the faith along to their kids: they sent them to Catholic school or parish-based faith formation, attended Mass every week, and involved their children in youth groups.

Yet despite their best efforts, their children abandoned the faith as adults. Why?

“Everything that parents have been told about raising faithful Catholic kids is wrong,” Dr. Popcak said in a recent conversation with Marcus Peter, host of Ave Maria in the Afternoon, on how parents—and the Church—can better support raising kids who remain faithful into adulthood. Despite the significant investment that churches make in youth ministry and faith formation, research shows that only about 15 percent of Catholic kids continue to practice their faith as adults.

“You know, the Church has this spiritual cancer where we are not going to survive the next few generations if we don’t get this number up,” Dr. Popcak said.

What Matters Most: The Family Transformed by Jesus’ Love

In 2018, Dr. Popcak, founder of both the Pastoral Solutions Institute and the Peyton Institute for Domestic Church Life, partnered with the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) to conduct the Future of Faithful Families Project. This study interviewed adults who had retained their Catholic faith to identify the common factors in their upbringing.

The study found that what mattered most was not the quality of the youth group or Catholic school, or even the family’s weekly Mass attendance. While those things are valuable, they are secondary to the habits and practices within the home, Dr. Popcak said.

“And I don’t just mean the prayers that the family says,” he explained. “I mean that the children need to experience the faith as making a significant difference in the quality of the relationships in the home compared to their less-churched friends’ families.”

Children need to see that their family’s faith influences how they handle challenges, celebrate joys, and navigate everyday life. Even in their imperfections, these families’ grounding in Christ challenges them “to address problems differently, to hang in there with each other, to pray through things, to talk about these things, to draw closer together in difficult times,” Dr. Popcak said.

“Kids need to experience the faith as a source of the warmth in the home,” he added.

Learning about Christ is important, but it is essential that kids experience the love of Christ within the family, he said. A child or teen might memorize the Catechism or attend Bible study, but that catechetical work builds on the foundation of the young person’s lived experience of faith.

“When we take the approach where we treat religion like algebra and just teach kids faith facts, they’re not falling in love with Jesus, right?” Dr. Popcak said. “But what happened in these families (in the study) is the kids experienced for themselves the real difference that living the gospel made in their daily lives as a family, which made it real for them.”

Connection, Affection, and Service

The Future of Faithful Families Project identified several common habits and practices among families who successfully handed on an enduring faith to their kids. Here are some key takeaways:

  • Prioritizing Family Time: Successful families made intentional efforts to spend time together regularly, whether through shared meals, game nights, or simply being present for each other. This emphasis on togetherness allowed faith to be modeled naturally and authentically.
  • Creating Meaningful Family Rituals: These families established daily or weekly rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together. These rituals enabled family members to connect meaningfully with one another and practice the faith in the context of everyday life. Shared work rituals, for example, provided opportunities to experience how loving service and cooperation make work more pleasant and rewarding. They didn’t just pray at mealtimes; they brought God into everyday moments, whether through gratitude, a simple blessing, or turning to prayer during conflicts.
  • Practicing Generous Affection: Participants frequently described their families as “huggy,” highlighting a warm and affectionate atmosphere. From frequent hugs to verbal affirmations, these gestures created a sense of safety and belonging, reinforcing the idea that love is at the heart of faith.
  • Discipleship Discipline: Instead of punitive measures, these parents practiced discipleship discipline focused on teaching good behavior and encouraging virtue. They created structures that supported their children’s growth and helped them understand the “why” behind their actions.
  • Serving Each Other and Others: Families found small ways to serve one another and those around them, demonstrating that faith isn’t just about belief but action. Simple acts of kindness and service were seen as natural extensions of their love for Christ.

These families didn’t treat faith as a subject to be learned; instead, they showed that living the Gospel had a tangible impact on their daily lives, fostering resilience, hope, and a deep sense of connection.

Even in Today’s World, It’s Possible to Raise Faithful Kids

The habits and practices identified by the Future of Faithful Families Project are not a guaranteed formula, and other factors also play a role in young adults’ faith decisions. However, these foundational practices greatly improve the chances that children will grow into adults who experience the warmth of a strong relationship with God.

For parents feeling anxious about raising faithful children in today’s challenging cultural context, the study’s findings provide real hope and a clear path forward.

“The good news of this study is that we have the control, we have the ability to raise faithful kids,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s not about the culture, it’s not about peers, it’s not about the media. It’s about how we live the faith in our home, and the degree to which the faith impacts the way we relate to each other, and the love that we share.”

For those seeking to deepen their family’s faith life, resources like the CatholicHOM app developed by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak can support parents in cultivating these habits and nurturing their children’s faith in meaningful ways.

After Trauma, EMDR Therapy Offers Hope for Healing

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“Lucy” is 62 years old, but she is still haunted by the physical and psychological abuse she experienced as a child. Although decades have passed, Lucy continues to experience anxiety, periods of deep depression, panic attacks, and other symptoms.

Most of us will experience a traumatic event at some point in our lives. The U.S. Center for PTSD defines trauma as “a shocking and dangerous event that you see or that happens to you” in which “you think that your life or others’ lives are in danger.” Anyone can experience trauma at any age, and for a wide variety of reasons: bullying at school, a car accident, or conflict with a spouse or acquaintance, for example.

Often, people are able to heal following traumatic events. But in some cases, for reasons that aren’t entirely understood, the traumatic memory gets “walled off,” making it difficult to process—and heal. In this case, the trauma can persist for years or even decades.

God Wants Our Healing

But that isn’t what God wants for us, says Dr. Mark Kolodziej, a certified traumatologist with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

“God wants us all to enjoy our lives,” he said in a recent interview. He tells new patients who suffer from past traumas that whatever happened to them was not their fault, nor was it a punishment from God, nor do they need to carry the pain to be “good” Christians. “God doesn’t want us to be stuck in this negative place in our lives.”

With God’s help and a cooperative attitude, most individuals suffering from trauma do get better. But it doesn’t “just happen,” Kolodziej said. “Time doesn’t heal anything,” he said. “It’s what you do in that time that’s going to heal things.”

And with the advent of a relatively new type of therapy, healing can be achieved fairly quickly—sometimes, in just a few sessions, he said.

EMDR Therapy: Breaking Down Walls

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a specialized form of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) designed to help individuals process and heal from traumatic memories. Developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro in 1989, EMDR emerged from a theory that the brain processes and stores traumatic memories differently from normal memories. This difference can cause these memories to become walled off from the rest of the brain, leading to ongoing psychological and emotional distress.

During a traumatic event, the brain’s usual networking of memories and sensory experiences can go “offline,” leaving these memories unprocessed. This unprocessed trauma can manifest in various forms, such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other trauma-related conditions. The goal of EMDR is to help the brain reprocess these traumatic memories so that they no longer exert a harmful influence on a person’s life.

EMDR therapy does not require the patient to discuss the traumatic event in detail. Instead, the therapy leverages the brain’s capacity to reprocess memories through bilateral stimulation, most commonly achieved through guided eye movements, though other methods like tapping or auditory stimuli—first on one side of the body, then on the other—can also be used.

At the beginning of an EMDR session, Dr. Kolodziej asks the individual to identify a negative thought or emotion that is bothering them, such as anxiety or shame. Then he asks the person to complete a sentence associated with that negative feeling: “I am….”

“And the person will often say, ‘I am a loser,’ ‘I am afraid,’ ‘I am worthless.’ So that is your negative thought,” he said.

Then he asks the person to “float back” in their memory to the point in their life when those negative thoughts started, or to their worst instances. That’s the starting point for reprocessing the traumatic memory.

Next, he asks the person to identify a positive thought they would rather have associated with that feeling. “So right now your negative cognition is ‘I’m not worthwhile.’ ‘I’m a loser,’ right? So what would you like to change that to?” he said. “And they might say, ‘I have a lot to offer’ or ‘I am valuable’ or ‘I am strong.’ Okay, so that’s what you’d like to get to…. So now let’s let your brain work.”

This is where the “bilateral stimulation” comes in. For 20 to 30 seconds, the person follows Kolodziej’s finger without moving their head as he moves it across their field of vision, from left to right and back again several times. This stimulates the right side of the brain, then the left side of the brain, allowing it to more effectively reprocess the traumatic memory—breaking through the protective wall.

During bilateral stimulation, the person lets their thoughts flow in whatever direction seems best. The person might go into more detail about their trauma, or they might go to a completely different place. In either case, by bringing in new thoughts, “they’re reprocessing what happened and coming up with ways of being able to deal with it and cope with it,” Kolodziej said.

At the end of the bilateral stimulation, he asks the person what they are thinking or feeling. Then the whole process starts over again: naming the negative thought, the positive “replacement” thought, and the bilateral stimulation.

“They come up with another thought, and another thought, and another thought,” Kolodziej said. “I’ll have no idea where the thought process is gonna go, but what’s happening as they’re going from one thought to the next thought to the next thought, is they’re no longer stuck.”

‘Healing Can Absolutely Happen’

Over time, as the person’s brain continues to reprocess the memory, the emotional intensity associated with it diminishes. Kolodziej describes this as moving from the stage of having a “wound” to having a “scar”—a memory that no longer hijacks the present and is instead a part of the past.

EMDR is not the only way to address trauma; in certain situations, it may not even be the most appropriate method. But EMDR therapy has been widely embraced by mainstream health organizations, including the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, and the World Health Organization (WHO).

Whatever approach people take, Kolodziej said the most important step is to have hope that healing is possible. For those who doubt, Kolodziej offers a message of encouragement: “What if you could heal? What would that look like for you? There are so many people who have suffered like you and have found peace. With God at the helm, healing can absolutely happen.”

If you are dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic event, you can connect with Dr. Mark Kolodziej or Anne Brunette–who are both certified in EMDR–or another one of the licensed Catholic therapists at CatholicCounselors.com.

Why Your Faith Might Be Making You Anxious (And How to Fix It)

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Practicing religious faith isn’t just good for your spiritual life; it usually has physical and mental health benefits, too.

That conclusion has been the consensus of researchers for decades. When Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health and Brigham and Women’s Hospital reviewed hundreds of studies in 2022, for example, they found that people who participate in a religious community tend to live healthier, longer lives.

But researchers caution that religious faith and practice isn’t always beneficial in these ways. In fact, sometimes it can actually lead to greater anxiety and other mental health problems.

Such “toxic faith” is usually the result of extrinsic faith or insecure God-attachment, the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Dr. Greg Popcak explains in his book Unworried: A Life Without Anxiety. Let’s focus on the issue of how extrinsic versus intrinsic faith can impact your mental health.

 

The Impact of Extrinsic Faith on Mental Health

Extrinsic faith, as defined by psychologist Gordon Allport, refers to religious or spiritual behavior primarily oriented towards achieving non-religious goals. These goals often include seeking parental or social acceptance, gaining approval, or achieving success in social status. The young adult who goes to church to satisfy her parents, the retiree who is involved mainly to socialize with friends, and the businessperson looking for social status or networking opportunities all exhibit extrinsic faith.

Intrinsic faith, on the other hand, is oriented towards helping a person live a more meaningful, integrated life.

“Extrinsic faith can be sincere in its way, but it is often a poor source of comfort because, unlike intrinsic faith, it is not intended to help you make more sense out of your life,” Dr. Popcak writes. “Rather, it is intended to get another person to give you something you do not feel you can claim for yourself, such as self-esteem, social or cultural identity, or professional success.”

When faith is just a means to an end, it can lead to anxiety and other psychological issues. Constantly trying to gain approval or acceptance from others through religious practices can be exhausting and unfulfilling.

Everyone goes through a phase where their faith is mostly extrinsic, either in childhood or as a newcomer to a faith community: during this initiation period, our practices and beliefs are given to us by others. But at some point, Dr. Popcak writes, each of us must decide whether our faith is a series of hoops we need to jump through to please others or the “source and summit” of our life (to borrow language from the Catechism of the Catholic Church).

 

Three Ways to Better Own Your Faith

Most people have many motivations for practicing their religion, some extrinsic and some intrinsic. But our overall goal should be to keep moving toward a more authentic “owned” faith, one that is a source of meaning, integration, transformation, and transcendence.

This journey begins with a conscious decision to seek a more personal, honest, open connection with God. If you feel the need for a more intrinsic faith, here are three practices to help you begin:

  1. Center Your Faith on Your Relationship with God: When you go to Mass, pray, or read scripture, do so with a genuine desire to connect with God. As the Catechism points out, our prayer and worship ought to lead us to a more intimate relationship with God. Don’t talk “at” God, but with God. Bring your whole self into your prayers, expressing your thoughts, fears, hopes, and gratitude sincerely. The Psalms are a good example of this sort of free-flowing, honest prayer.

  2. Seek Understanding: Spend time learning more about your faith through study and reflection. Learning about your faith can help you better integrate a more genuine faith into your lived practice, as opposed to just “going with the crowd.” Read books that deepen your understanding of spirituality and help you grow closer to God.

  3. Seek Spiritual Direction: A spiritual director or pastoral counselor can help you identify hidden assumptions, old hurts, and patterns of behavior that may be preventing you from growing close to God.

“The more your faith becomes intrinsic, the more you will be able to put aside your anxiety, sit at the feet of the Lord, and let your heart be still, knowing that he is God,” Dr. Popcak writes.

For more about this topic, see Chapter Five of Unworried: A Life Without Anxiety. And if you’d like more personal, one-on-one help with your faith life, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Use the ‘Fortress and Communion’ Prayer to Heal Past Hurts and Protect Your Heart

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Have you ever felt deeply hurt or attacked, only to find yourself struggling to forgive and move forward? Christians are told to love their enemies and pray for those who persecute them— but how do you do this when you are hurting?

This dilemma is what prompted Dave McClow, M.Div., LCSW, LMFT, a therapist at the Pastoral Solutions Institute, to develop a process of healing and forgiveness that he calls the “Fortress and Communion” prayer. This approach helps you protect your heart and transfer negative emotions, ultimately leading to genuine healing and forgiveness.

Understanding the Fortress and Communion Prayer

Dave explained the prayer process in a recent interview with CatholicCounselors.com. When we are hurt, he said, our feelings become dysregulated, and we often turn the people who hurt us into enemies. Moreover, emotional hurt often shows up with physical symptoms.

“When emotions get activated, we get a feeling in our body—it could be in our stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, jaw, eyes, head,” he said. “These physical sensations signal that it’s time to address the underlying emotional pain.”

The Fortress and Communion prayer provides a structured way to begin the healing process and restore a sense of peace and balance, emotionally and physically.

 

Step 1: Building Your Fortress

The first part of the process is about protecting your heart, which McClow describes as creating a “fortress.” He likens it to the walled city of Jerusalem, with your heart being the Holy of Holies at the center of the Temple that must be protected. Visualize this fortress (like the walls around the city) and imagine placing those who have hurt you outside its walls.

McClow suggests that clients use vivid imagery, such as catapulting people out of the fortress, to create a physical and emotional boundary.

“When you get them outside, you want to feel a physiological shift,” he said. This shift might be felt in areas like your stomach or chest, where tension is stored. If the initial boundary doesn’t create enough relief, mentally push them farther away (a tropical island, the moon, Mars, etc.) until you feel a noticeable difference.

Step 2: Transferring Negative Emotions

Once the fortress is established and the hurtful individuals are outside, the next step is to transfer the negative emotions to Jesus. This is where the “communion” aspect comes in. Imagine Jesus on the cross outside your fortress, absorbing all the anger, hurt, and negative energy from the person who hurt you.

“Let all the anger, all the rage, all the hurt from that person go into Jesus,” Dave advised.

This step is about visualizing the transfer of these emotions, allowing Jesus to “take the hit” for you. It’s a deeply spiritual and healing process, McClow said: “Jesus is kind of our emotional sanitation department: he picks up our garbage, processes our sewage, and takes care of it for us.”

Step 3: The Resurrection and Transformation

After transferring the negative emotions to Jesus, ask him to take them through the resurrection. This step involves transforming the negative energy into something positive.

“In physics, you can’t destroy energy; you can only transfer or transform it,” McClow said. “We’ve transferred it; now we’re going to transform it.”

Visualize this transformation as an explosion of love and light, turning the negative into something beautiful. This step can be deeply felt, with some people imagining fireworks or other vivid images.

Step 4: Spiritual Communion

The final step is to ask Jesus to offer spiritual communion to everyone involved. This includes not only yourself and the person who hurt you but also extends to intergenerational healing.

“Ask Jesus to give communion—his infinite love—to everybody involved,” McClow said. “This includes your ancestors, any souls in purgatory connected to the event, and your descendants, ensuring that the healing permeates through generations.”

Sometimes, his clients are still reluctant to ask Jesus to give their enemy or persecutor communion. “If you’re still mad at the bully, you can visualize infinite love knocking him on his butt,” McClow said. “Because infinite love coming into a finite suffering is impactful. So if you need to do that, that’s fine.”

“In the Depths of the Heart’

The Fortress and Communion prayer draws on many sources in the Catholic tradition, but it takes particular inspiration from the Catechism of the Catholic Church’s reflection on the lines about forgiveness in the Lord’s prayer:

“It is there, in fact, ‘in the depths of the heart,’ that everything is bound and loosed. It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2843).

That quote is the entire process in a nutshell, McClow said: “You can have the memory without the feelings. That’s purifying the memory by transforming hurt into intercession.”

The Fortress and Communion prayer is versatile and can be used in various situations, from dealing with past traumas to handling daily annoyances. Like many forms of contemplative or meditative prayer, it gets easier with practice. At first, you may want to set aside 15 to 30 minutes to walk through the process thoroughly. Once it becomes habitual, you will be able to do it in a few minutes—say, when you’re sitting in a frustrating work meeting or trying to be patient about a crying baby on the plane.

You can see a video walkthrough of the Fortress and Communion Prayer on YouTube.

If you’d like McClow to guide you through the process, or if you’d like to work with another Catholic counselor on healing and forgiveness, reach out at CatholicCounselors.com.

Getting Over The Grumpies—The Secret Antidote for Shifting Your Mood

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When we’re feeling frustrated, burnt out, or just downright grumpy, it can be easy to get stuck in those feelings. Maybe because it’s comfortable, maybe because we’re trying to figure out what’s wrong, or maybe because we just don’t know how to overcome our negative mood. 

A recent study out of the University of Texas explored the effects of expressing gratitude on the gratitude giver and receiver. The study revealed that more often than not people hold back from offering thanks to others because they either feel uncomfortable doing so, or believe that the person receiving their gratitude will feel awkward. The results of the study indicated however, that expressing gratitude, even in the simplest ways, can have a big impact on how the giver and receiver feel about themselves, each other, and their overall mood. 

The Theology of the Body reminds us that God created us to be a gift to each other. When you receive a gift, it is only appropriate to say, “Thank you.” Christians are called to love one another, and one of the most important ways we can love each other is by reminding each person in our lives how important, how treasured, and how special they are to us. Sometimes we can feel foolish telling other people how much they mean to us, but today, perhaps sharing our gratitude for one another can be one small way we can fulfill St. Paul’s admonition in 1 Cor 4:10 to be “fools for Christ.” Take a moment to find some small way to let the people God has brought into your life how grateful you are to them. Tell your spouse, your kids, your family, friends and co-workers how much you appreciate them, and don’t forget to say “thank you” even for the little things that others do for you. It’s a simple way you can be God’s blessing to others and remind others of what a blessing they are to you.

Here are three ways to boost your mood (and another’s mood) through gratitude:

1. Recognize the Gift–Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that you shouldn’t say “thank you” to someone who is “just doing their job” or “just doing what they are supposed to do.”  There are lots of people who don’t do their jobs and fail to do what they should. The fact is, it takes effort to try to do what’s right and fulfill our responsibilities to one another, and it’s an effort that deserves to be recognized. In a world that sees people as objects and takes everyone for granted, we Christians have a special duty to remind each other, and the world, how important each and every person is in the eyes of God and how precious a gift it is when someone does something–anything–to make our lives a little easier or more pleasant. Be that person who recognizes the gifts others give you today. Acknowledge everything someone does for you today with a simple “thank you” and a smile.

2. Celebrate the People In Your Life–Is there someone you especially appreciate? Someone who makes a difference in your life just by being who they are?  When was the last time you told them how important they are to you?  Today, take a minute to actually hand write a short note to tell them how much they mean to you. You might thank them for something specific they did, or for how they make you feel, or just thank them for being in your life. Let them know what a gift they are to you and how you wouldn’t be the same without them. Then drop it in the mail or leave it someplace where they can be surprised to find it later on. It doesn’t take much effort, but you’d be surprised by how much of a difference this little effort can make.

3. Get Happy–Research shows that people who make an effort to practice simple gratitude habits can increase their happiness set point by up to 30%. Your happiness set point is the natural level of happiness you experience in your everyday life and it is remarkably stable. Whether people are surprised by good things or frustrated by unpleasant events, they tend to return to their happiness set point fairly shortly thereafter. But simple acts of gratitude like keeping a gratitude journal, saying “thank you” to others, and finding simple ways to acknowledge how much the people in your life mean to you have been shown to significantly increase a person’s happiness set point, increasing their overall sense of wellbeing and joy.  It turns out, the best way to be a happier person is to remind yourself to express thanks for all the little blessings you’ve been given and all the people who bless your life everyday.

For more ways to live an abundant life, check out our resources at CatholicCounselors.com

Quick links and resources:

Broken Gods—Hope, Healing, and The Seven Longings of The Human Heart

Praying For (and With) Your Spouse

For Better…Forever—The Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage

Baby Steps – Guest Post by Judi Phillips, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

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Guest Post by Judi Phillips, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

Often, in the course of my daily professional work, I find that clients are so focused on the ‘big picture,’ that they can become easily overwhelmed, frozen, and find themselves struggling to do anything at all. This often leads to internal self-talk that further sabotages their efforts at moving forward. Statements such as, “This is all too much,” “I always end up like this,” “I don’t know where to begin,” “How am I ever going to get any of this done,” along with any other similar form of self talk that is indicative of believing one’s self to be powerless.

We have a tendency, in our humanity, to doubt that we can accomplish what needs to be accomplished. We focus on ‘all there is to do,’ and we lose sight of the fact that there is always something we can do. However, we won’t be able to do a small thing if we are focusing on everything or if we are focusing only on the big picture. We need to break down, whatever it is that we are facing, into smaller segments, smaller ‘bites’ so to speak. I often say to my clients, “Does a person get from the base of Mt. Everest in a giant step? No! It’s one small step and then the next, and the next…” This is the very way that we need to address any problem we may face in daily life.

To compound this challenge, there is a rampant belief system in our culture, the “all or nothing” belief of I either have to do ‘all of it the right way and perfectly,’ or I ‘can’t do anything.’ This often leads to the continuous cycle of starting and expecting perfection, which is unrealistic, or stopping and not doing anything.

God created us to have the ability to be empowered. We know this because of the way our brain is created. There is a part of our brain dedicated to being aware of and processing emotions and a part of our brain dedicated to logic, reasoning, and cognitive processing. Using both parts of our brain, we can determine a way forward, which is God’s desire for us, to know that we have the potential to always take a step forward. Essentially, we are empowered in the ways God intends when we operate from the place that ‘there is always something I can do’ no matter how small it might be. 

So, the next time you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or frozen, remember…”There is always something I can do!” Then ask yourself, “What is one small step I can take to begin helping myself to address this issue?” You’ll find it is a small thing that has a HUGE payoff!

If you would like more support on this topic or another area of your life, schedule an appointment with Judi Phillips (or any of our Pastoral Counselors) at CatholicCounselors.com!