Feeling Overwhelmed? Try These Three Simple Steps

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As the holidays approach, are you feeling a little Grinchy? It’s not that you don’t appreciate Advent or celebrating the Nativity; it’s just the stress of holiday expectations layered on top of your normal work and home responsibilities. Anyone would feel overwhelmed, really.

Whether you feel overwhelmed by the holidays or “overwhelmed” is just your default state most weekdays, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have a practical three-step plan for coping.

The ‘It’s All on Me’ Trap

When our stress level rises in sync with our to-do list, our natural tendency is to become overly task focused, the Popcaks said. We convince ourselves that we have to power through on our own and that we won’t feel better until every task is complete.

But that’s a trap.

“When I start feeling overwhelmed, I just want to plow through: ‘I’m going to do this all by myself,’” Dr. Popcak said on a recent episode of the CatholicHŌM Podcast. “And it doesn’t always work as well as it sounds like it should.”

When we try to brute-force our way through stress, we become anxious, snappish, and distant. As Lisa Popcak noted, we push people away, telling ourselves we’re not “allowed” to have connection until after everything is done.

This leaves us feeling more like “human doings” instead of “human beings”—miserable and disconnected from the people we care about. As St. John Paul II pointed out during his catechesis on the Theology of the Body, human beings are first and foremost called to be in relationship with God and one another. We are more than just machines whose only purpose is to “get things done.”

The solution isn’t to work harder; it is to reorient how we work.

Three Steps to Move from Overwhelmed to “Perfectly Whelmed”

To move from a state of frantic overwhelm to being “perfectly whelmed,” (as Dr. Popcak put it), we need a plan that prioritizes relationship over efficiency. Here are three steps the Popcaks recommend.

1.    Stop and Connect with God

The first step is to stop powering through on your own. Reach out for help, beginning with the God who loves you.

For example, you might pray, “Okay, Lord, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m feeling stressed, I got a million things to do. Help me to approach this the way you want me to.”

The focus here matters—it’s about being your best self through the tasks, not just getting them done. You are giving yourself permission to let God lead you through the chaos, rather than tearing through it and hoping God cleans up the mess later.

In a family setting, Lisa Popcak recommends praying out loud with your family during transitional moments, especially as you’re headed into a hectic agenda. Before you even get out of the car to wrestle with that double stroller, stop and pray: “Lord, there’s a lot going on right now. Please help us be our best selves.”

Besides being genuinely helpful in the moment, this habit teaches kids to lean into prayer rather than anxiety. 

2. Focus on Connection Over Task

When we are stressed, we tend to view our family members as obstacles to our goals, the Popcaks said. The antidote is to ask yourself, “How can I do these tasks while staying connected to the people that I love?”

Let’s say you take on a home repair project like replacing a kitchen faucet. The YouTube DIY videos all say it should take half an hour, but one thing leads to another, and two hours later you’re at the end of your rope. Before long, you are growling, sighing, and snapping at any family member who dares poke their head in the kitchen.

But instead of following your natural inclination to push people away, try pulling your people closer. As Dr. Popcak suggested, you might take thirty seconds to say, “You know, what I could really use right now is a hug!” Just holding your family for a moment allows you to breathe in love and let the stress go. And if you are feeling especially stressed out, you might go even further, asking family members to not only give you a long hug, but also to say a prayer over you.

It only takes a minute, but the benefits can be huge, providing a much-needed reset and releasing hormones that help with stress reduction. As an added bonus, you’ll be able to tackle your stressful situation refreshed and with a new perspective that might help on a practical level.

3. Make a Plan to Get Through This Together

Finally, the Popcaks point out that we often fail because we don’t communicate our expectations to our family members or colleagues before the stress hits. To avoid this, you need to have an intentional conversation about how you are going to get through the situation together.

For example, let’s say that tomorrow is going to be a super busy and hectic day. You might sit down with your family and say something like, “Hey, it looks like tomorrow’s going to be kind of a stressful day. What are some things that we can do to stay connected and take care of each other while we do this?”

The holidays are a perfect example. We know they’re coming, and we know they’ll be busy. Instead of charging into December with vague anxiety, sit down with your family or the people you live with and make a plan. What matters most this season? What can we let go? How will we take care of each other when things get hectic?

This step is all about remembering that the people in our lives—whether family, roommates, colleagues, or friends—matter more than crossing items off our lists.

Stronger and Closer for Working Together

So there you have it: instead of trying to go it alone, bring God into the room. Lean on the love and support of your people, and be intentional about communicating expectations and making a plan.

The goal isn’t just surviving stress, Dr. Popcak said—it’s coming through it “stronger and closer for having gone through this together.” 

For an even more in-depth look at handling stress in your life, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book, God Help Me! This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! And if you need one-on one support in handling stress, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

The Blueprint for Joy: Lessons from St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body

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The Theology of the Body reminds us that we were created for joy. St. John Paul II taught that God designed our bodies—and our very humanity—to reveal His love. When we live according to that design, joy naturally flows from our hearts. But it’s important to understand that joy and happiness, while related, aren’t the same thing.

Happiness is a feeling. It depends on circumstances—on whether life is comfortable or things seem to be going our way. It’s that temporary state of satisfaction that says, “Things feel good right now.” Joy, on the other hand, is something deeper and more enduring. It’s a Fruit of the Spirit that gives us the inner assurance that, no matter what is happening, God is present and working for our good. As the Christian mystic Julian of Norwich beautifully wrote, “All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”

Dr. Greg explains it this way: “Happiness depends on what’s happening to us. Joy depends on what’s happening in us. Joy is rooted in knowing that, in good times and bad, God is working for our good.” The more we can look at our life and say, “I see what God’s brought me out of. I see where God’s brought me now, and I see what God is bringing me next,” the more joyful we become.
So how do we cultivate that kind of joy—the kind that lasts through good times and bad? Theology of the Body offers a roadmap: a life rooted in meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue.

Meaningfulness—what St. John Paul called “the law of the gift”—is the commitment to use everything we’ve been given to make a positive difference in our circumstances and in the lives of those around us. In Gaudium et Spes, he wrote that “man… cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” In other words, when we stop living just for comfort and start living for love, joy takes root.

Intimacy is about building what John Paul described as a “community of love.” It means cooperating with God’s grace to make all our relationships healthy, honest, and holy—from our marriages and families to our friendships and workplaces. Joy grows wherever genuine connection and self-giving love flourish.

Finally, virtue is our commitment to use everything that happens to us—good and bad—as an opportunity to become the whole, healed, godly, grace-filled person God sees when He looks at us. St. John Paul called virtue “the power to love rightly.” It’s what enables us to meet every challenge with the confidence that God’s grace can transform it into an opportunity for growth.
“Joy,” Dr. Greg says, “isn’t something we chase directly. It’s the natural result of daily asking, ‘Lord, how are you calling me to pursue meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue right now?’” That simple question allows us to discover the divine blueprint for joy that God has written into every human heart.

Modern research beautifully supports this Catholic vision of joy. A Harvard study on adult development found that strong, loving relationships—not wealth or success—are the single greatest predictor of long-term happiness and joy. Similarly, a Pew Research report shows that people who describe their lives as “meaningful” through faith and service score far higher on emotional well-being than those focused primarily on pleasure. And a Psychology Today feature notes that cultivating gratitude and purpose literally rewires our brains, strengthening the neural pathways that sustain joy even in hardship.

The world tells us to chase happiness. The Gospel—and the Theology of the Body—invite us to live for joy: a joy that endures, that deepens with love, and that reflects the very life of God within us.

When we root our days in meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue, we don’t just find fleeting pleasure. We discover the steady, unshakable joy of knowing that, truly, “All shall be well.”

If you would like to discover more meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue in your life and relationships, reach out to a Pastoral Counselor today at CatholicCounselors.com.

Instead of Settling, Become Who You Are

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“That’s just not me.” How many times have you said—or thought—that phrase?

We humans have a natural tendency to define ourselves by our limitations. We create identity statements that box us in: “I’m just not an affectionate person,” “I don’t like praying out loud in a group,” or “I’m not comfortable with emotional vulnerability.”

We all have limits, preferences, and patterns we fall back on. Maybe you’ve even named your particular set of strengths and weaknesses with the help of a personality inventory.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak explained in a recent episode of the CatholicHOM podcast, these identity statements are only a starting point, not our final destination. They are helpful to the extent that they point us in the direction of growth.

And that means stepping out of the comfort of our self-defined identity to become the people God calls us to be.

‘Become Who You Are’

“Become who you are.” This simple four-word exhortation of St. John Paul II may seem cryptic at first. How do we “become” who we “are”? A seed might “become” a tree, but a tree doesn’t “become” a tree, after all. But, Dr. Popcak says, St. John Paul II is hinting at a deeper reality.

Whatever we may think of ourselves right now, we are called to become saints—that is, people fully caught up in the love of the Holy Trinity.

“The fact is, we already are those (saints) that we’re trying to become. Theologians like to talk about God as the ‘ground of our being,’” Dr. Popcak explains. “What that phrase means is that the closer we draw to God, the more we become who we really are, because the saints that we are destined to be already exist in God. And the more we draw closer to him, the more that true self, who we really are, is revealed.”

So, while personality inventories or self-reflection might help us understand our identity right now, we are called to move beyond our present selves to claim our true identity, which is already present in God’s heart.

“Our job is to stop settling for what we see when we look in the mirror and instead lean into the person God sees when he looks at us, because that’s who we really are,” Dr. Popcak says.

Everyday Opportunities for Growth

Many of our self-defined limitations stem from past experiences, the Popcaks suggest, often rooted in spiritual or emotional injury. These don’t have to be major traumas—they might be as simple as how we were raised, experiences in school, or even a lack of certain experiences that makes something feel foreign or “not me.”

When we recognize that our limitations often come from wounds or gaps rather than our true nature, we can approach them with greater compassion and curiosity. Instead of defending them as immutable aspects of our identity, we can ask: “What might be possible if I were willing to grow beyond this boundary?”

It is our closest relationships—with spouses, children, siblings, friends—that often present the most powerful invitations to grow beyond our limits, the Popcaks say.

God put these people in our lives, Lisa Popcak says, and it is by responding to their needs that we grow into our true identity. “It is about everything in the household, all of the people trying their best to meet the needs of the other, even when it causes us to stretch and grow,” she says.

She points to the example of St. Joseph, a godly man who listened to God even in his sleep and responded with courage to the needs of the people entrusted to his care. We might not be called to marry an already-pregnant woman, raise the Son of God, or flee to another country to protect our family. But like Joseph, responding to the needs of the people in our life with generosity and good cheer may take us well outside our comfort zone. It might mean being more physically affectionate (even though we weren’t raised that way), drawing healthy boundaries instead of giving in to a friend’s self-destructive behavior, or spending less time at work to spend more time with our family. It might mean trying a support group despite our deep discomfort or working hard to curb our habit of starting the day with a negative attitude. The possibilities are boundless!

It’s a Mutual Thing

The concept of mutuality plays an important role here, the Popcaks say. Within a family, for instance, each person is called to give their whole selves to the others, but at the same time, the other members of the family are called to give their whole selves to that person.

While “mutual self-donation” is the goal, the Popcaks are careful to distinguish between healthy growth and unhealthy accommodation. They offer two important qualifiers.

First, this approach doesn’t apply to requests that are immoral or demeaning. Authentic growth never requires compromising your values or dignity.

And second, responding to others’ needs doesn’t mean abandoning your own. The goal is mutual thriving, not one-sided sacrifice. The key is distinguishing between needs (what enables a person to thrive) and wants (preferences about how and when those needs are met). While we should be open to meeting others’ legitimate needs, we can negotiate the specifics in ways that respect our own needs too.

A Balanced Approach

In the end, becoming who we are isn’t about denying our present limitations; rather, we can acknowledge our current limitations while also being open to growth.

Let’s say, for instance, that your spouse asks whether you could curb your habit of sighing and rolling your eyes when family needs call you away from your favorite pastime. Lisa Popcak suggests that it is perfectly appropriate to say, “That doesn’t come naturally to me, and it will be challenging. I’ll need your patience. But because I love you and want to be the person I’m called to be, I’m going to work on stretching in that way.”

This approach acknowledges both your current limitations and your commitment to growth beyond them. It invites partnership in the process rather than pretending change is easy or instantaneous.

Becoming the saints we were created to be is not about trying harder on our own but growing in relationship. “God wants us to learn to love each other more than we love our comfort zones,” Greg says.

And in that stretching, in that mutual gift of self, we discover the people we were meant to be all along.

You can hear the entire podcast episode (Episode 83, “Become Who You Are”) exclusively on the CatholicHOM app, where you can also discuss family life issues with trained pastoral counselors. And for more individualized help with personal growth, reach out to a pastoral counselor at catholiccounselors.com.

No, You Aren’t Perfect—And That’s Okay

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In a culture that prizes productivity and performance, perfectionism can seem like a virtue. We praise people for their “high standards” and “drive to succeed.” Some of us even wear the label of “perfectionist” like a badge of honor.

But as pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac of the Pastoral Solutions Institute warns, perfectionism isn’t a superpower. It’s a trap, one that leads to stress, restlessness, and strained relationships with others…even God.

“Perfectionism can manifest in a variety of different ways and different areas of our life,” Isaac explains. “But at the bottom, it’s about feeling like we might not be good enough, and that we need to work really hard to control both how we present to the world and our environment so that things are okay.”

The Hidden Ways Perfectionism Shows Up

The word “perfectionist” might conjure up the image of someone who insists everything has to be “just so.”

But often, Isaac says, it takes other forms: manifesting as the need to do everything yourself, for instance, or filtering what you say to make sure you say things the “right” way. Even procrastination can be a form of perfectionism, she says—a stress response to the fear of doing something imperfectly.

At its core, perfectionism is about comparison and fear. We compare ourselves to others, afraid that if we don’t measure up, we’ll be judged or rejected. Sometimes, that comparison flips, and we hold others to the impossible standards we set for ourselves, fueling criticism and resentment. Regardless of how it presents, the underlying dynamic remains the same: an attempt to manage deep-seated insecurity through external control.

That’s not the way God wants us to live, Isaac says. God wants us to know, deep in our bones, that our worth comes not from what we do, but from who we are as children of God.

At the deepest level, then, overcoming perfectionism is about learning to live from a place of deep, God-given confidence—the kind that frees us to love, serve, and rest without fear.

Breaking Free from Perfectionism: Three Strategies

In her work helping people develop this God-given confidence, Isaac has come up with a suite of strategies for addressing perfectionism. Here are three you can try on your own today:

1. Exchange “What-If” Questions for “Even-If” Statements

Perfectionism fuels anxiety with endless “what if” questions: What if my house isn’t clean enough when guests arrive? What if I make a mistake during my presentation? What if my spouse doesn’t do the laundry the way I do it?

These what-if questions leave open a whole range of possible worst case scenarios, Isaac says; this uncertainty can leave us feeling like we’ve lost control. We try to resolve that uncertainty by answering the question, usually focusing on the worst-case scenario.

To break that cycle, Isaac recommends swapping “what if” questions for “even if” statements, completing those sentences with realistic, hopeful outcomes:

  • Even if my house isn’t completely clean, we’ll still have a good time together.
  • Even if I stumble during my presentation, people will still understand my message.
  • Even if my spouse ‘messes up’ the laundry, it’s still getting done
  • .—and the important thing is that we’re working together as a team.

“As soon as I make an ‘even if’ statement, I can be more solution-focused and find that peace and control—even if everything’s not perfect,” Isaac says.

2. Set Realistic Expectations

Perfectionists often set impossible expectations for themselves and others.

Isaac gives the example of someone who is anxious to get the house cleaned up before dinner guests arrive. Someone grounded in their God-given identity might pick up the main spaces and set out flowers to be hospitable to their guests.

But the person trapped in a perfectionist mindset takes that impulse to an extreme, trying to clean the whole house—and nagging everyone else to pitch in with that Herculean task.

That is not a helpful or realistic expectation, Isaac points out.

A better approach is to ask: What’s truly necessary? Adjust your expectations for yourself and others accordingly, resting in the knowledge that whatever your guests may think, your identity comes from God, not the state of your house.

3. Recognize the Good You Already Do

Perfectionism tempts us to dismiss the moments that really matter—the everyday acts of love, service, and connection that reflect our God-given strengths. To combat perfectionism, Isaac recommends taking time to reflect on those moments.

For example, let’s say you’re trying to tick off items on your to-do list when your kid starts melting down. You set aside your agenda, sitting down on the floor to hold and comfort them.

Someone trapped in a perfectionist mindset might overlook this action because it’s not “productive.”

“But recognizing how good that moment was…and that I had strengths in that moment to be present, patient, compassionate—that really shifts the mindset from performance to recognizing my God-given strengths,” Isaac says.

And when we learn to see the good in ourselves, we’re freer to see—and celebrate—the good in others, too.

The Gift of Living in Freedom

Isaac has seen this shift transform people’s lives. She shares the story of a client who struggled to ask her husband for help. Perfectionism made her feel that if she wasn’t doing everything herself, she was failing. But as she practiced communicating her needs, the dynamic in their marriage changed.

“She was able to recognize that having it all on her wasn’t what defined her worth or her success,” Isaac says. “She could really be effective—maybe even more so—when she communicated her needs and worked together with her husband.”

The journey out of perfectionism is really a journey into freedom.

“You’re moving from a place of constant pressure to a place of greater peace,” Isaac says. “It impacts your relationship with yourself, with others, and with God. You begin to realize you don’t have to earn your worth—you’re already enough.”

For more one-on-one help with perfectionism and confidence, reach out to Rachael Isaac or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Or join Rachael Isaac on Thursday July 31st at 8pm EST for a power-packed, one hour, live webinar: Empowered–Overcoming Perfectionism and Achieving Your Goals

Feeling Stuck? Try These Simple Steps to Make a Positive Change in Your Life

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If you’ve ever felt stuck—spiritually, emotionally, or relationally—you’re not alone. Consider these real-life situations described by callers to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak:

  • Mary is a mother of four young kids whose husband checks out every evening to watch TV. She feels unseen, overworked, and alone—but he still expects emotional and physical closeness at the end of the day. “I have no idea where to begin,” she said.
  • Desiree is the mom of an 18-year-old who’s angry, withdrawn, and has completely rejected his faith. After years of therapy and support, he refuses to get help. “We really feel like we’ve exhausted our resources,” she admitted.
  • Diane is a caregiver for her adult autistic son. She fights every week just to make sure support staff do their jobs. “I just want to wake up and know that everything is in place,” she said. “But I feel like I have to micromanage everything.”

While each of these situations is very different from the others, the Popcaks offer five basic principles when things absolutely, positively need to change. Here is what they advised callers on two recent episodes of the More2Life show.

1. Pray with Poverty of Spirit

The first step is learning to bring your challenge to God—not with the attitude that you already know what needs to happen, but with the humility of a child.

“When responding to a frustrating situation,” Lisa Popcak said, “we have to cultivate the mindset that we don’t know anything, especially when we think we do. Instead, we need to ask God to teach us as if we were children who were experiencing this situation for the very first time. That’s the poverty of spirit that allows God to lead us to the changes he wants to make in our lives.”

When you feel like you’re not getting traction no matter what you do, try praying in words similar to these: Lord, show me how to see this through your eyes. Teach me what to do next.

God’s grace is abundant, but we only experience it fully when we stop trying to control everything and start asking to be led.

2. Name What You Do Want

Often, we spend more time complaining about what we don’t want than identifying what we’re actually aiming for. But clarity is essential.

Dr. Popcak put it like this: “Making good change begins with having an idea of what you really want to have come out of a situation—not just what you don’t want.”

Mary knew she didn’t want to keep going like this—doing everything herself while her husband tuned out. But what did she want instead? A partnership. Shared parenting. Time to connect emotionally and spiritually. Once she could name those desires, she was ready to have a calm, constructive conversation about what needed to change.

Whether you’re struggling with your marriage, your parenting, or your own inner critic, identifying your desired outcome is a powerful way to begin.

3. Make a Plan—Even a Small One

God can do miracles, but most change happens step-by-step. Once you know what you’re aiming for, make a simple, specific plan to move in that direction.

In Mary’s case, the Popcaks recommended creating rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together as a couple and family. That might mean planning one family game night a week, praying a decade of the Rosary together before bed, or setting aside 10 minutes to talk after dinner.

Diane, meanwhile, was facing an overwhelming system. But even then, she could take note of small successes.

“Start tracking times when things do work,” Dr. Popcak advised. By identifying times when her son’s care staff successfully followed through, she could work with them to figure out what factors need to be in place to replicate that success elsewhere. “You’re looking for the little changes that make the difference and trying to identify what are the things that happen to make it possible.”

These small patterns could become the basis for new routines and better advocacy.

4. Accept Support

You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t.

God often answers our prayers through the people he places in our lives: spouses, counselors, friends, pastors. As the Popcaks often remind callers, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a way to invite grace into your life.

Desiree and her husband had walked through years of pain with their daughter’s addiction, and now their son’s spiral. But they were still trying to hold it all together on their own. “Even if your son won’t get help,” Dr. Popcak said, “you and your husband need to be seeking that help to figure out how to set appropriate boundaries with him.”

The Church reminds us that God chose to save us not as individuals, but as part of a community. What is true of our eternal salvation can also be true of the challenges we face along the way.

5. Wait Actively

When you’re trying to change, it’s easy to feel discouraged when things don’t happen quickly. But grace often works slowly—and invisibly.

Bill Donaghy, a senior lecturer at the Theology of the Body Institute and a frequent guest on More2Life, points to the words of St. John Paul II regarding change: “If an ear is to grow or a flower blossom, there are times which cannot be forced. For the birth of a human being, nine months are required. To write a book or a worthy piece of music, years must often be spent in patient searching. This is also the law of the Spirit. To encounter the mystery takes patience, purification, silence, waiting.”

This kind of waiting isn’t passive. It’s “active receptivity,” Donaghy explained—continuing to water the soil, even if you don’t yet see the fruit.

Whether you’re navigating your child’s crisis, a long-suffering marriage, or a broken system, don’t confuse silence with absence. Keep praying. Keep working. Keep showing up. God is not done yet.

Real Change Is Possible

Real change is possible—but it doesn’t start with a dramatic leap. It starts with a small, prayerful step in a new direction.

If you’re not sure what to do next, begin with these questions:

  • Have I invited God into this situation today?
  • Can I name what I do want—not just what I want to stop?
  • What small plan can I make this week?
  • Who might help me take the next step?
  • Can I be patient while God works behind the scenes?

For more one-on-one help making a positive change in your life, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com, or tune in to the More2Life show on your favorite radio station or streaming platform.

How to Defuse Conflict by Asking the Right Questions

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Conflict is inevitable, but hurtful conflict is not. As Dr. Greg Popcak explains in God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, there are ways to handle conflict effectively—and compassionately.

If you read our last post on this topic, then you probably already know the first step in compassionate conflict resolution. Instead of writing someone off as toxic or irrational, ask, “What are they really trying to do?” That small act of curiosity can be a powerful way to break the cycle of conflict and begin to understand difficult people in your life.

But what if the answer isn’t obvious? What if someone’s behavior is hurtful, irrational, or even aggressive—and you genuinely can’t figure out what they’re hoping to accomplish?

In God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, Dr. Popcak offers two ways of uncovering the hidden, often positive intention behind someone’s obnoxious behavior—tools that can transform frustration into empathy, opening the door to healing.

The Direct Approach: Just Ask

The first approach is pretty simple: if you want to know why someone is acting a certain way, try asking them.

But in practice, most of us don’t ask—we accuse. Think about the last time someone rubbed you the wrong way. Your internal dialogue probably sounded something like:

  •  “Why are you always such a jerk?”
  •  “I can’t believe you said that to me!”
  •  “What is wrong with you?”

These reactions are natural—but not helpful. They shut down the possibility of connection and push the other person into a defensive crouch.

Instead, Dr. Popcak suggests a three-part clarifying question:

  1. Describe the behavior factually. Say what happened without judgment or exaggeration. For example:
     “When you slammed the door…”
  2. Share how it affected you. Let them know what you felt or how you interpreted the behavior:
     “…I felt like you were angry that I asked for your help.”
  3. Give the benefit of the doubt—and ask. This is the turning point:
     “…but I don’t think that’s what you meant to do. Can you tell me what was really going on?”

This kind of question is disarming because it’s respectful and assumes good intent—even when the behavior is hard to take. It’s a firm but gentle way of saying, “This didn’t sit right with me, but I’m willing to believe there’s more to the story.”

The Indirect Approach: Follow the Money

Of course, not everyone can clearly articulate what they’re trying to accomplish. Some people lack the self-awareness to explain their motives. Others—children, teens, emotionally immature adults—may not even recognize them. That’s where the indirect approach comes in.

Dr. Popcak calls it “following the money.” In other words, observe what benefit a person gains from their behavior. If that’s not obvious, look at what happens immediately afterward.

For example:

  • A child throws a tantrum. The goal might not be to get a toy—it could be a bid for attention, closeness, or even space.
  • A teen keeps getting grounded. Maybe that’s their way of avoiding risky social situations while saving face with peers—or a cry for more time with distracted parents.
  • A boss who yells might be trying—ineffectively—to inspire urgency and motivation.

Dr. Popcak shares how one of his clients, Anna, worked for a doctor known for his temper. His shouting stressed out the staff, but Popcak helped Anna recognize that the doctor’s real goal was to get people to respond quickly and correctly. Instead of reacting with fear, Anna calmly said, “Doctor, I’d be happy to help you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d ask me respectfully. ‘Please’ usually works.” To her surprise, he listened—and their relationship began to shift.

By recognizing the intention, Anna was able to respond not to the outburst but to the need behind it—and offer a healthier alternative.

When You See the Intention, You Can Make a Change

Once you’ve identified the underlying motive—whether through a clarifying question or by “following the money”—you’re in a better position to create change. In the book, Popcak introduces the P-E-A-C-E process, which are five steps for transforming toxic interactions into more respectful, healing relationships.

We’ll explore that process more fully in a future post, but the first step is always the same: stop treating the other person like an enemy, and start treating them like a fellow struggler—someone who, like you, is doing their best to get their needs met, even if they’re doing it badly.

Conflict Is a Doorway

It takes courage to stop reacting and start listening. But when we learn to ask better questions and seek deeper understanding, conflict can become a doorway—not to defeat, but to healing.

As Dr. Popcak writes, “The person is never the problem. The problem is the problem.” Learning to see the difference is what love looks like in the real world.

For more practical tools like the P-E-A-C-E process and real-life stories of transformation, pick up a copy of God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! by Dr. Greg Popcak. Or, if you’re looking for personalized support, connect with a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.