A Powerful Key to A Stronger, More Satisfying Marriage

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Couples who pray together, whether they are dating or married, enjoy a wide range of benefits: better communication, relationship satisfaction, and trust, according to a wide body of research.

So why do so few couples—perhaps only 4 percent—pray together?

Many couples say that the idea of praying together feels awkward—even intimidating, according to Dr. Greg Popcak, founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and co-author, with Lisa Popcak, of Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love.

But despite these common misgivings, Dr. Popcak has seen the transformative power of couple prayer in his practice. In fact, the Popcaks say couple prayer is one of the most powerful ways to build a strong, loving marriage.

Prayer Is Fundamentally Communal

Another objection that many Catholics raise about praying as a couple is the idea that prayer is meant to be private. But as Dr. Popcak points out, the Church teaches that all prayer—even prayer that you say individually—is, at bottom, the prayer of the whole Church.

“By definition, prayer is an activity that draws us into deeper intimacy with God and others,” Dr. Popcak says.

The Mass, the sacraments, and even Confession remind us that our faith is lived in community. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says: “Prayer is Christian insofar as it is communion with Christ and extends throughout the Church, which is his Body” (#2565).

When a couple prays together, they invite God to be at the center of their relationship. They open themselves to his grace, allowing him to shape their love and guide them through life’s challenges. If all prayer helps us forge stronger relationships with God and others, it makes sense that praying together as a couple would strengthen your marriage.

Four Tips for Praying with Your Spouse

If the idea of couple prayer makes you nervous, take heart. Praying together doesn’t have to be complicated or formal. In fact, the best prayers are those that come from the heart. Here are four simple steps to help you begin:

1. Relax—There’s No “Right” Way to Pray

Many couples hesitate to pray together because they fear doing it “wrong.” They imagine needing to kneel, use formal language, or follow a rigid structure. But prayer is simply a conversation with God.

“In John 15:15, Jesus calls us his friends,” Dr. Popcak reminds us. “There’s no more right way to pray than there is a right way to talk to a friend.”

Just as you and your spouse talk about your day, your joys, and your struggles, you can talk to God in the same way. Some days, your prayers might be simple and brief. Other times, you might pour out your worries or share your gratitude. All of it matters to God.

2. Make It a Habit

Prayer becomes easier the more you do it. The key is consistency. Try picking a specific time to pray together, such as:

  • Right before bed
  • After dinner
  • Once the kids are asleep

By establishing a routine, you’ll grow more comfortable with prayer and start to experience the profound power of praying as a couple.

3. Encourage One Another

Building a new habit takes time. If you miss a day—or even a week—don’t get discouraged. The important thing is to keep trying.

Avoid keeping score over who initiates prayer more often. Instead, focus on simply making it happen. Support and encourage each other along the way.

4. Respect Different Prayer Styles

Not everyone prays the same way, and that’s okay. One spouse might feel comfortable praying out loud, while the other prefers silent reflection. Some might enjoy reading Scripture, while others prefer spontaneous prayer.

Dr. Popcak advises couples to be patient and respectful: “Be careful not to criticize each other or laugh about the way your spouse prays. God welcomes all prayer, no matter how it’s expressed.”

When a couple prays together, they give God—the very source of love—the opportunity to teach them how he wants them to love one another. By making prayer a regular part of your relationship, you’ll open the door to deeper intimacy, greater unity, and a love that reflects God’s design.

Next time, we’ll look at a simple framework for guiding your prayer time together. In the meantime, if you want to learn more about couple prayer, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, is a great resource to help you take the next step. You can find it at CatholicCounselors.com.

How to De-Escalate Conflict: Six Expert Tips

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Few people have had as much opportunity to practice the art of de-escalating tense situations as Ron LaGro, LSW, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

In the years since he graduated from Franciscan University at Steubenville, he has worked with homeless men in Chicago and New York, developmentally disabled foster youth with aggression issues, patients with schizophrenia both in a psychiatric hospital and in the community, and children in the child protective system in South Bend, Indiana. In fact, he has even led de-escalation training sessions.

Sooner or later, everyone finds themselves engaged with someone who has “lost it” (or is on their way to losing it)—a cranky toddler, maybe, or an angry customer. Then there’s that sibling or co-worker who is always poking at you, trying to get you riled up.

In those situations, LaGro is the guy to know. He recently explained how anyone can de-escalate conflict and restore peace in heated moments.

1. Know Your Own Triggers

Some of the most important de-escalation work needs to happen long before you find yourself in a tense situation, LaGro says.

“A big part of de-escalation is recognizing our own triggers,” he explained. “If we don’t understand what sets us off, we won’t be able to stay calm when someone else is losing control.”

Before stepping into a difficult situation, take stock of your own emotional vulnerabilities. What comments or behaviors make you defensive? What wounds from your past might flare up in an argument? Understanding these triggers ahead of time allows us to respond with grace rather than reactivity. Regular prayer practices—such as the daily examen, meditation, or the sacrament of reconciliation—can help bring deeper self-awareness and peace.

LaGro shared an example of working with a client who frequently hurled personal insults at him.

“He would just take shots at me, trying to get a reaction,” he recalled. “But because I was already at peace with those things, I wasn’t thrown off balance.”

Being self-aware doesn’t mean ignoring hurtful words; it means preparing ourselves so that we don’t react emotionally in a way that escalates the conflict. Instead, we can respond from a place of stability.

2. Stay in Your “Adult Mindset”

LaGro distinguishes between an “adult mindset” and a “child mindset” in conflict.

“As we get more emotionally heated, we slip into a child mindset where we see the other person as a threat,” he explained. “That’s when we either lash out or shut down.”

Using the “emotional thermometer” concept promoted by the Pastoral Solutions Institute—mentally assessing whether we are at a calm 3 or a raging 8—can help us step back before we react poorly. If you notice yourself getting too worked up, take a deep breath and pray for God’s help to calm down. If needed, step away until you can re-engage calmly.

3. Respond Calmly

When someone is angry, our instinct may be to match their volume or intensity. But shouting over someone rarely calms them down—it usually escalates the situation.

LaGro had plenty of experience with this principle at the psychiatric hospital. “If someone comes off an elevator screaming and I respond by yelling, ‘You need to calm down!’ it just escalates the situation,” he said. “Instead, speaking calmly, lowering our volume, and having nonaggressive body posture can send the message: I am not a threat.”

Saying the person’s name in a gentle tone, acknowledging their emotion (“You seem really upset”), and avoiding aggressive body language can help de-escalate their response.

4. Recognize the Other as a Person, Not an Opponent

When someone is upset, it’s easy to see them as an enemy to defeat rather than a person in distress. But our Catholic faith teaches us that every person is made in the image of God and deserves dignity—even in their worst moments.

“If I view someone as an opponent or someone to control, my body language and tone will reflect that,” Ron said. “But if I remind myself that they are another hurting person, just like me, I can approach the situation with empathy instead of defensiveness.”

LaGro doesn’t tell people to just “be empathetic.” Instead, he suggests asking yourself more concrete questions: What is this person going through? Recognizing that the other person is hurting, confused, or in need of help—in other words, seeing the situation through their eyes—makes it much easier to actually help them.

5. Show You Understand the Other’s Situation

Have you ever had a friendly conversation about politics or faith suddenly escalate to the point where voices are raised and people are talking over one another? One challenge in de-escalation is responding to someone who is saying things that we find disagreeable, irrational, or even offensive. In these situations, how do we de-escalate without implying our agreement or acceptance of objectionable statements?

The key, LaGro said, is trying to understand where people are coming from.

For example, if someone claims, “The university administration is controlled by aliens!” instead of arguing, you might say, “Wow, that sounds really scary. What makes you think that?” By showing curiosity instead of immediate dismissal, you keep the conversation from escalating while still maintaining reality.

“If I skip (asking) What’s this person going through? then I can’t help navigate that experience for them and I can’t help them de-escalate,” LaGro said. “If it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your co-worker that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your kid that’s crying because they didn’t get the ice cream cone, they want to feel understood: ‘You really want that ice cream cone! I love ice cream cones, too, so I totally get it.’ We’re meeting them where they’re at.”

Trying to understand someone isn’t the same as agreeing with them, LaGro points out. Only once people feel we understand where they’re coming from can we begin to help them navigate and de-escalate their situation.

6. Know When to Walk Away

While de-escalation is often effective, there are times when it’s best to just disengage.

“If someone picks up a lamp and starts swinging it, you don’t try to talk them down—you get to safety,” LaGro emphasized. “There are moments where your priority has to be self-protection.”

If someone is physically aggressive, verbally abusive, or completely irrational, the best option might be to step away and seek help. De-escalation is a skill, but it’s not always the right tool for every situation.

De-Escalation: A Win-Win Strategy

Jesus’ call to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44) can seem like a tall order, but the steps LaGro outlines for de-escalating conflict offer a good place to start. By examining our own triggers, trying to understand the other’s perspective, and responding to provocations calmly, we actively choose the good of someone who might be making life difficult for us.

And as a happy bonus, responding in this way is very likely to de-escalate tense situations, making it easier to bring conflict to a happy ending for both people.

For more personalized guidance in managing conflict, consider reaching out to Ron LaGro or another pastoral counselor at the Pastoral Solutions Institute today.

How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

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The amount of affection children receive from their parents has a huge impact on many aspects of their development, as we discovered in the first part of this two-part article: children who don’t receive enough affection from their parents (or other loving adult guardians) fail to thrive when they are young, and struggle more as adults. On the other hand, children who receive “extravagant” amounts of affection are more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties.

In this second part of our look at extravagant affection, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak address common questions that parents often ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

This article is based on Episode 17 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.

How Much Affection Is ‘Extravagant’?

As we learned in part one of this article, the term “extravagant affection” was popularized by the researchers behind a landmark 2010 Duke University study. By analyzing data from about 500 individuals, the researchers found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection” as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving. Only about 6 percent of the mothers in the study showed this level of affection toward their infants, although the majority were “warm” toward their children.

One of the first questions parents raise around this topic, the Popcaks say, is: How much affection is enough—and how much counts as “extravagant”?

“If you feel like you’re doing a little too much, then you’re probably doing just about enough,” Dr. Popcak advised.

Another measure that the Popcaks cited was Dr. John Gottman’s finding that the healthiest relationships exhibit a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. While he developed that principle based on his marriage research, subsequent work by other researchers has shown that the ratio holds true for parent-child relationships, too, Dr. Popcak said.

A third way of telling whether your kids are getting enough affection, the Popcaks said, is to notice the “emotional temperature” in your household. If things are getting “hot” and you’re getting more pushback than usual, it might be a sign that the amount of affection in your relationship has slipped, perhaps due to stress or busyness.

Affection Isn’t Just for Young Children

Parents often wrongly assume that it’s appropriate for affection to taper off as children grow into teens and young adults, but that is far from the case, the Popcaks said. People of all ages and genders need affection, although it may take different forms for different people. Remember the football player hugging his mother from the beginning of part one of this article? Teenage boys need affection just as much as anyone else, even if it looks different than the kind of affection you would give to a toddler.

“We think that affection is only for the child who can sit on our lap all the time,” Lisa Popcak said. “But there’s healthy, extravagant affection at all different age groups. Let them have that (affection) even through their teenage and young adult years.”

What If I’m Just Not an Affectionate Person?

“But I’m just not an affectionate person!” It’s a common objection the Popcaks often hear from parents.

“if you aren’t a particularly affectionate person, it’s because it was trained out of you,” Dr. Popcak said. “If you have learned because of your family of origin to not be affectionate, that’s actually a wound that God wants to heal, because he didn’t create you that way.

“That doesn’t mean you have to be exuberantly affectionate overnight,” he continued. “It just means this is something to kind of work on gently and intentionally, over the course of your lifetime so that you can receive all the generous affection that God wants to share with you and all the generous affection that God wants you to experience from the people that he’s placed in your life.”

You can turn to God for help with this, Lisa Popcak said. “Say to God, ‘Lord, let me borrow a little bit of your affectionate love for my kids today and help me to show it to them. Heal this inside of me that I’m struggling and help me develop this relationship with them.’”

Affection Is About Making a Connection

Affection will look different from person to person, but at bottom, it’s about making a warm connection with the other person. Dr. Popcak points to the language of researcher John Gottman, who describes affection as all the small, everyday ways that people seek attention, affirmation, or emotional support from one another. These bids can take many forms, such as a smile, a question, a touch, or even a sigh. By “turning toward” a bid for connection—acknowledging it, engaging with it, or reciprocating the gesture—we strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship.

“You know, so eye contact, that smile when you see them walk in the room, that effort to actually look at them when you’re talking to them,” Dr. Popcak said. “If they’re little, getting down on their level and talking to them…. Stop and give them compliments and tell them what they’re doing well and just let them know that you enjoy being around them.”

That might look different with older kids, Lisa Popcak said. “Come up to your teenage son and give him that hug around the shoulder: ‘Hey, I’m really proud of what you’re doing,’ or ‘How was your day today?’ or walking by them when they’re doing their studies and ruffling their hair.

The Popcaks offered some specific examples of ways to show your kids affection:

  • Hug your child in the morning and before bed.
  • Pause to look them in the eyes and ask about their day.
  • Sit close during family activities, such as movie nights or prayer time.
  • Offer affirming words regularly, like, “I’m proud of you” or “I love having you in my life.”
  • Include physical touch during moments of connection, such as a squeeze of the hand or a gentle touch on the shoulder.

Extravagant affection is a powerful gift. It helps kids—and adults—thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And as you show love to your family, you’re giving them a tangible experience of God’s unending affection for them.

You can learn more strategies for developing warm, affectionate relationships with your kids in the Popcaks’ books, Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids and Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

The Many Benefits of ‘Extravagant’ Affection

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After winning the last game of his high school football career, the young man rushed over to his mother, and the two embraced in a big hug.

“He still fits in his mother’s arms!” his father wrote when he posted a photo of the moment on social media.

The family are friends of Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, founders of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and hosts of the CatholicHOM podcast.

It was a beautiful moment, Lisa Popcak said on an episode of the podcast dedicated to nurturing affection between parents and their kids. Moments like these underscore how the daily practice of showing affection creates lasting connections that children carry into adulthood. But the moment didn’t just happen; rather, it was the culmination of an “affection connection” the boy and his parents had intentionally nurtured throughout his life.

Happy moments like this are not the only benefit of making intentional, affectionate connections with your kids (and spouse!) every day. Affection builds trust and resilience in families, making family life easier and more pleasant, even when things get tough. And giving kids plenty of affection helps them grow up to be more confident, resilient, and satisfied as adults.

Why is affection (or the lack of it) such a powerful force in the development of children? The Popcaks point to decades’ worth of research for an explanation.

The Science Behind Affection

For many decades now, research has increasingly clarified the important role that affection plays in the development of happy, healthy adults.

In the mid-20th century, for instance, studies of infants raised in orphanages with minimal physical contact revealed alarming rates of failure to thrive. These infants often exhibited stunted growth, delayed development, and emotional difficulties.

“Biologically, neurologically, we were created to need touch, to crave affection even more than food,” Dr. Popcak said. As the Church teaches, God made us to be in relationship with one another (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1890 – 1891), and affection helps strengthen those relationships.

But the impact of affection on human development goes way beyond the quality of our relationships. A landmark 2010 Duke University study of about 500 individuals found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection,” displayed by about 6 percent of the mothers, as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving.

Other studies show the profound physiological impact of affection. When parents and children share moments of touch—whether it’s a hug, holding hands, or sitting close together—their bodies “sync up,” the Popcaks said. Heart rates slow, breathing becomes calmer, and stress diminishes.

“Our bodies actually sync up with each other,” Dr. Popcak said. “The slower heart rate of the person giving another person a hug slows down the heart rate of the person receiving the hug.”

This physiological alignment fosters a sense of safety and connection that strengthens relationships on a deep, almost instinctive level.

How Affection Supports Healthier Relationships

Extravagant affection also helps kids form and maintain healthy relationships outside of the family, both growing up and later on as adults.

“Healthy, appropriate, extravagant affection in the home teaches kids how to get their need for affection met in healthy and appropriate and holy ways,” Dr. Popcak said.

“This is very important,” Lisa Popcak agreed, “because when (kids) have the experience with mom and dad of having healthy, extravagant affection, they get filled up and they get a sense in their very bones of what is true and healthy affection and what is false affection.”

In other words, kids who receive all the affection they need from their parents are less likely to seek it elsewhere in inappropriate ways. And kids who grow up in an affectionate family have a “standard model” to measure other relationships against as they move into the teen and young adult years.

Parents who practice extravagant affection also reap the benefits of a stronger, more resilient relationship with their child. Not only do the parents get more affection in return (and parents need affection, too, Lisa Popcak says), but it becomes easier for parents to teach kids how to be good and responsible people.

“When I have a strong affection connection with my kids, my kids are more likely to give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the rules that I’m laying down, because they understand on even a physical level that I’m working for their good, that I really do love them,” Dr. Popcak said. “They feel that love and they understand that the rules that I’m laying down are coming from a healthier place.”

On the other hand, Dr. Popcak said, the popular parenting maxim “rules without rapport lead to rebellion” is more likely to hold true when affection has been lacking in the relationship.

“And so the defensiveness, that pushing back on rules or eye rolling is one of the earliest signs that maybe the affection connection isn’t what it should be,” he said, adding that this is not always the reason for that behavior.

Not Just ‘Nice to Do’

Extravagant affection is not just a feel-good practice; it’s a powerful tool for nurturing trust, resilience, and connection within families. Whether it’s a hug, a kind word, or simply being physically present, these intentional acts of love create a foundation for healthier relationships, stronger family bonds, and a more peaceful home life. As the research shows, affection positively shapes children’s emotional and relational development, while also making the job of parenting easier and more rewarding. By embracing this approach, parents can help their kids grow into confident, secure, and loving adults.

This is the first part of our two-part article about the importance of extravagant affection. In part two, we’ll look at some common questions that parents ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

In the meantime, if you want more tips for building strong, loving relationships in your family, join the CatholicHOM community for daily support and encouragement. Once you’re there, you can listen to the full podcast that was the basis for this article by looking up Episode 17 in the CatholicHOM podcast section.

4 Practices That Help “Grown Up” Families Stay Close

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Many parents assume that it’s inevitable for families to grow apart as kids grow up and leave home; Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear this assumption frequently on their More2Life call-in radio show. And it’s true: long distances, busy work schedules, and new family responsibilities all make it more challenging for adult children to stay connected with their parents and siblings.

But in their book Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks propose a way for families to maintain warm, loving adult relationships even though they are not living under the same roof any longer.

The key? Shared experiences around family rituals. By finding ways to continue working, playing, talking, and praying together on a regular basis—even at a distance—“grown up” families build a “trellis” to support the growth of love, trust, and connection. Over time, these practices build emotional capital, creating the context for deeper conversations and mutual understanding.

 

Family Rituals in the Context of Adult Relationships

If you belong to CatholicHŌM or are familiar with the Popcaks’ work around the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, you probably already know how shared family rituals provide a strong foundation for family life. In Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks explain how to practice these family rituals in the context of adult relationships.

In their book, the Popcaks provide several pages of ideas for creating rituals tailored to different aspects of family life. These can be adjusted to fit the unique needs and interests of your family. Here are some examples:

  • Work rituals: Collaborate on a family project, such as organizing a reunion, helping an adult child with home repairs, or preparing meals for a local charity. Even simple tasks, like cleaning out a garage together, can provide opportunities to connect.
  • Play rituals: Schedule regular game nights, family hikes, or movie nights. For families spread across distances, try an online trivia game or watch a movie “together” while chatting via video call.
  • Prayer rituals: Create a family group chat for sharing prayer intentions and answered prayers. Attend Mass together on special occasions, or occasionally text a personalized prayer for an adult child’s specific need. For example: “Lord, please bless Carla in her job interview today. Help her to use the gifts you’ve given her and trust in your plan for her life.”
  • Conversation rituals: Plan regular one-on-one coffee or meal dates with your adult children. Use technology to stay connected through weekly family video calls or group chats.

 

Turning Intentions Into Action

Of course, these family rituals don’t just materialize on their own. “There needs to be some intentionality and even some gentle, positive pressure to make these things happen regularly,” the Popcaks write.

But how do you make family rituals happen when your adult children have their own lives and priorities? More importantly, how do you do it in a way that feels natural and joyful for everyone? The Popcaks offer four tips:

  1.       Set Expectations. Start by creating the understanding that family connection is important and should happen regularly. Avoid presenting this as a wistful fantasy, as though it’s an unlikely goal. Instead, take a hopeful and practical approach: “Let’s get out our calendars and make something happen.” Suggest a few ideas to get the ball rolling, but don’t force a particular plan. Instead, use your suggestions as conversation starters that encourage your adult children to share their own ideas.
  2.       Generate Buy-In. Invite your adult children to contribute ideas about what they’d enjoy doing together. Be generous and open to possibilities, even if some suggestions aren’t your personal favorites. The goal isn’t necessarily finding the one activity that you all love equally. Rather, the goal is finding a list of activities you can all reasonably tolerate or even enjoy. Whether it’s a shared project, a game night, or a simple family meal, focus on the relationship rather than the specific activity.
  3.       Be Realistic About Participation. Acknowledge that not everyone will always be able to join, and that’s okay. Make it clear that the door is always open to those who can participate. By showing flexibility and understanding, you create a sense of welcome without making anyone feel pressured or guilty. Let them know you value time with whoever is available, and don’t let absences discourage your efforts.
  4.       Make It Enjoyable. When the family does come together, ensure the time is pleasant and enjoyable for all involved. This helps create positive momentum, encouraging everyone to look forward to future gatherings. As the Popcaks write: “The relationship is primary; the activity is secondary.”

Over time, this gentle approach builds enthusiasm for shared experiences.

If you’re ready to take the next step in strengthening your family bonds, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, offers even more insights and practical advice. For additional help tailored to your unique situation, visit CatholicCounselors.com to connect with a pastoral counselor who can guide you on this journey.

3 Practices for a Happier, Holier Holiday Season

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The period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is typically one of the more hectic and stressful times of the year, especially for families with children in the house. The irony is that the holidays we celebrate during this time of year—Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, the New Year—were originally established to help us connect more intimately with God and one another.

What’s the solution? Getting back to the root reason for these holidays is a good start, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak on their CatholicHŌM podcast. (You can find it exclusively in the Podcasts section of the CatholicHŌM app.)  They suggest reviewing (and possibly revising) your holiday plans before things get crazy with one goal in mind: protecting and nurturing your most important relationships.

Here are three areas to evaluate as you chart your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

1. Prioritize Connection Over Perfection

Sometimes, we enter the holiday season aiming for our very own “Hallmark movie moment,” focusing on decorating, baking, and finding that perfect gift. Unconsciously, we think that if our stagecraft is good enough, moments of emotional warmth and connection will follow.

But instead of aiming for movie-set decorating and gift-giving perfection, the Popcaks suggest putting your energy into strengthening family relationships and creating opportunities for meaningful moments.

“It all starts with being extra intentional about taking care of one another,” Greg Popcak says.

“God’s presence is manifested in that caretaking that you give to each other, that sacrificial love that your priestly mission of baptism reveals,” he says. “And so the more you ask, ‘How can we take better care of each other as a couple or as a family? What do we need from each other to really not just get through the holiday…but really to love each other through the holiday?’ That’s what Advent is calling us to as families.”

Research shows that families whose members routinely show extravagant affection and affirmation to one another, and who respond promptly and generously to one another’s needs, tend to have stronger, warmer relationships.

“You know, those things don’t come naturally, and it takes some effort and it takes some intention,” he says. “But even if we picked one of those things, either for the whole Advent season or every day…that would help us find ways to make a little bit more room for Christ and make our homes a little bit holier and a little bit more peaceful by Christmas.”

During the busyness of the holiday season, it’s especially important to protect your family’s time together. Doing that may require some planning, Lisa Popcak says. Don’t just squeeze family time into the gaps between a myriad of other obligations; schedule it on your calendar. Your time together doesn’t need to be elaborate; some of the most meaningful moments are often the simplest. Go on a drive around town to view holiday lights, for example, or schedule a nighttime sledding party and bonfire.

2. Clarify Your Priorities, Then Set Boundaries to Protect Them

When your children look back on this holiday season ten years from now, what do you want to stand out for them? What words or phrases do you hope they might use to describe this time? What are the values or experiences you want to stand out in their memory?

Asking those simple questions can help you clarify the values and priorities that guide your choices during the holiday season. Maybe you want to incorporate more faith-based activities; maybe it’s time to begin creating new holiday traditions for your family; or maybe you want to simplify expectations. Figure out your priorities as a couple first, then bring your children into the conversation to see what traditions or activities are most important to them. Knowing what matters most allows you to focus your energy where it counts.

Once you know your priorities, do what you need to do to make space for them. This might mean letting go of something you’ve just “always” done.

Take Advent traditions, for example. Advent traditions “were really created in the first place to build intimate connection between the family and God,” Greg Popcak points out. “And if those particular traditions are actually standing in opposition to your connection with each other and God…maybe it’s time for that tradition to either go or be approached in a different way.”

Annual activities with extended family might need to be approached differently, too. For example, let’s say one of your priorities is to spend time together with your own family on Christmas Day rather than traveling to visit your parents. You still want to see your parents, of course, and your parents want to see you and their grandchildren. But you can honor the “what” of this tradition while negotiating the “when” and “how,” Lisa Popcak says.

You don’t need to apologize or offer excuses to your parents or extended family, she says. Instead, affirm your desire to connect during the holidays and then look for alternative ways of doing that.

“You’re adults with your own children now, so you really don’t need anybody’s permission,” she says. “You just want to move the relationship (with extended family) to a place of connectedness in a way that works for you and your family.”

3. Practice Heartfelt, Honest Prayer

Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact that the purpose of the Advent and Christmas seasons is to help us draw closer to God. The Church offers us a lot of ways for doing this during Advent and Christmas, from the Jesse Tree to the Advent wreath, from the O Antiphons to manger blessings and Christmas novenas.

All of those prayer and devotional traditions are wonderful, the Popcaks say—as long as they really deepen your relationship with God.

“Formal prayers work when they are at the service of the heart, not standing in place of the heart,” Greg Popcak says. “We’ve got to start with the heart in family prayer.”

For example, let’s say that it’s been a hectic, stressful day, and by the end of it, everyone is irritable and crabby. Things have been said that, while not awful, definitely aren’t bringing people closer. Now, at the end of the day, you gather everyone around the Advent wreath to do a quick run-through of “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” because it’s just part of your nightly routine during Advent.

But reciting all the prayers and singing all the hymns without bringing your hearts to God defeats the whole point of those prayers and hymns. Instead, begin with a heartfelt prayer that brings to God what is going on in your family right here and now.

Lisa Popcak offers this example prayer: “You know, Lord, help us to be a better team. Help us to learn to listen to you and to take good care of each other through this stressful holiday time. Help us to learn how to make room in our home and our hearts for more of your love.”

Once you have turned your hearts to God, take the time you need to have a conversation as a family about how you might do better going forward. Then celebrate your Advent wreath service, a little more joyfully than you would have otherwise. Or, call it a day, because what is really important is making that connection to God and asking for him to bless your family with his love and help.

Remember, if the holiday crazies start getting your family down, get back to the root reason for the season by prioritizing warm and meaningful connections, doing what is necessary to make space for your priorities, and asking for God’s help through it all with heartfelt family prayer. If you can work on these three foundational practices, you will be on your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

This article is an abridged version of advice Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak offered on the CatholicHŌM Podcast, episodes 16, 18, and 43. It’s available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.

How to Have Healthy Conflict That Improves Your Relationships

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Conflict often gets a bad rap. Many of us grow up thinking it’s best to avoid it—especially with those we love.

But conflict—that is, a disagreement between two people about priorities, values, and goals—is an inevitable part of human relationships. And according to Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, conflict doesn’t have to be something we fear. In fact, when handled well, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, fostering growth and mutual respect.

“Conflict is not a bad thing,” Kolodziej says. “It actually is beneficial and healthy for families and for couples.”

Avoiding conflict, he adds, ultimately hurts relationships, letting problems fester instead of being addressed.

 

Keys to Creative, Constructive, Respectful Conflict

How can we approach conflict in ways that help us grow and strengthen our relationships? Kolodziej suggests several strategies.

Reframe Conflict as a Team Challenge

For many people, the words “conflict” and “fight” are nearly synonymous: conflict is seen as a contest in which there is a high risk of getting hurt, and which is resolved when one person “wins” and the other “loses.”

But Kolodziej suggests seeing conflict as a challenge two people can tackle together, an exercise in teamwork. In this problem-solving approach, “the relationship is more important than being right,” he says.

 

Focus on High-Impact Problems

Choosing which conflicts to put time and energy into is also key; you don’t necessarily want to spend a lot of time on low-impact differences, like what show to watch or where to eat.

“We need to look at what is impacting our relationship the most?” Kolodziej says. He suggests prioritizing issues that are undermining the relationship or causing you to sin. Notice your emotions—if an issue causes regret, resentment, or anxiety, it’s likely a conflict worth addressing.

 

Clarify Each Person’s Wants or Needs

Conflict often arises when one or both people feel their needs aren’t met. Kolodziej suggests beginning by identifying and clearly communicating those needs on both sides.

“And then we look at the gap between what that person needs and what I need, and we try to triangulate it (to find) a way that we can both get our needs met,” Kolodziej says.

If each side’s needs or wants aren’t clearly identified, the conversation can hit a snag. Kolodziej often asks his clients to define what they need, but many struggle with this. For example, someone might say, “I need my spouse to be nice to me,” but when Kolodziej follows up to ask what “nice” looks like more specifically, they can’t say.

Clarity is essential. “You’ll never satisfy someone’s needs until they know what they need,” Kolodziej explains. But if the person is able to name what “nice” looks like, “then all of a sudden it becomes real and it becomes achievable.”

 

Avoid the Landmines of Contempt and Defensiveness

Kolodziej identifies two “landmines” that can sink constructive relationship problem-solving.

One is contempt, which Kolodziej says is “the one behavior that destroys relationships faster than anything else.” It is okay to criticize someone for what they have done (“You leave all the chores for me to do”), but attacking someone’s character (“You’re lazy and selfish”) crosses over into contempt.

If you are on the receiving end of the other person’s contempt, Kolodziej suggests responding with these powerful words: “If you’re trying to hurt me, it’s working.” 

Ideally, that will reset the conversation. But if it doesn’t, it might be time to walk away from the conversation, at least for a while.

The other landmine is being overly defensive when it would be more appropriate to take responsibility for your actions.

“Defensiveness is probably one of the greatest contributors to not resolving conflicts,” Kolodziej says. “As soon as we justify (our actions), then we’re basically saying, ‘I’m not guilty. I did it, but the devil made me do it.’ Or: ‘I did it because you did this first and I’m just getting even with you.’”

A more effective response to a legitimate complaint is to take ownership of your role: “You can say, ‘I did this part or that part, you have every right to be upset with me.’ No ‘if,’ ‘and,’ or ‘but,’ just simply, ‘Yeah, I did it.’”

Monitor Your “Emotional Temperature”

Watch your “emotional temperature” during conflict. Dr. Greg Popcak, Kolodziej’s colleague, developed an “emotional thermometer” that uses a scale of 1 to 10 to gauge emotional intensity. If your emotional temperature hits 8 or higher, Kolodziej recommends a break, with a commitment to reconvene later when emotions have cooled.

 

An Investment in Relationship

Most conflicts can be resolved when both parties respect these ground rules, Kolodziej says, although some conflicts—like one partner wanting children and the other not—may not have a win-win resolution. In these cases, couples must decide whether the relationship is more valuable than the unresolved issue. And if the other person values “winning” over the relationship, it might be time to set boundaries, Kolodziej advises: “If the person is toxic, if they keep attacking and won’t change their behaviors, maybe that’s a relationship that’s best not to continue–at least not in the same way.”

Overall, though, entering conflicts with a creative, cooperative attitude can lead to greater love and connection between two people.

“Every conflict that you have, you invest in that relationship,” he says. “People who have no conflicts and then all of a sudden have one, that might destroy them. But people who are frequently resolving conflicts respectfully are building a relationship that is very, very tight, that is indestructible.”

If you need more help with a conflict in your life, head over to the bookstore at CatholicCounselors.com, where you will find many books on this topic. Or connect with Mark Kolodziej or another pastoral counselor by reaching out to CatholicCounselors.com.

Don’t Reject Your Anxiety; Nurture a Better Relationship With It Instead

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You think you want to get rid of your anxiety—after all, it takes over your brain and floods your body with stress hormones that don’t do much but make you miserable.

But do you really want to get rid of it? When push comes to shove, the idea of getting rid of your anxiety might just…well, make you anxious.

Jacob Flores-Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, often runs into this problem with new clients.

“Despite the fact that they are ostensibly coming to me for help decreasing their anxiety, they’ll often be very, very resistant to switching anything up,” Flores-Popcak said in a recent interview. The reason they often give? They can’t imagine how they could get along without their anxiety to keep them going.

“And so there becomes this horrible Catch-22 that people live with where they would really, really like to not be anxious anymore,” Flores-Popcak continued. “But when it comes right down to it, they don’t know how they’d get anything done, how they’d be in relationship with anybody, or how they’d keep themselves safe without anxiety to motivate them.”

When clients run into this roadblock, Flores-Popcak often invites them to reframe their thinking with a little help from the 2001 children’s movie Shrek.

Anxiety, the Overworked Sidekick

In the movie, an ogre named Shrek sets out on a quest, begrudgingly accompanied by an annoyingly talkative, overly helpful Donkey.

Anxiety, Jacob says, is like Donkey—or any number of other over-eager sidekicks from popular animated movies: “These sidekicks are always depicted as being very loving; they want what is best for the hero,” Flores-Popcak said. “But often, the ways that they attempt to help are kind of destructive. They mean well, but they are fallible and can get messy.”

On one hand, people suffering from constant anxiety may loathe this sidekick (much like Shrek trying to shake off Donkey in the early part of the movie). On the other hand, they rely on it for so much—getting out of bed in the morning, getting kids ready for school, managing household finances—that it can be difficult to imagine another mode for getting those things done. In this way, they can end up responding to their anxiety the way Shrek does later in the film, doing whatever Donkey tells him without questioning and suffering hijinks as a result.

“We often swing back and forth between treating anxiety as an antagonist in our story and then, on the other hand, doing whatever it tells us,” Flores-Popcak said. “But that attitude is really unfair to anxiety, poor little sidekick that he is, because guess what? He’s not a bad guy. He’s actually just like any of these other parts of me—another sidekick that’s trying to help me out. He has a job within me. For instance, if a bear is chasing me, anxiety can be a very helpful and effective survival mechanism. So anxiety certainly has its due place. But he can get overburdened.”

To put it in the language of faith, God gave us anxiety and all the physiological responses that come with it to help us out in certain situations. But habitually deploying anxiety to handle even the ordinary tasks of everyday life isn’t healthy, Flores-Popcak said.

The solution isn’t to fear and loathe our anxiety, he said, because when we do that, we’re really rejecting an essential, God-given part of ourselves. Rather, the better approach is to begin “re-assigning” the jobs that we habitually give to anxiety.

“To make progress in our experience of anxiety, we need to recognize that anxiety does not need to be my exclusive motivation for all those things,” he said. “I can wake up in the morning, and sure, I can feel anxious, and that can get me out of bed—or, I can wake up in the morning and I can challenge myself, ‘What would be a love-based reason for getting out of bed?’ And instead of just immediately giving into the kind of knee-jerk instinctual anxiety that hits me the second I open my eyes, let me take a deep breath and challenge myself to imagine a love-based reason to get out of bed in the morning.”

Similarly, when anxiety begins to assert its annoying self throughout the day (like Donkey’s constant chatter), consider pausing to take a deep breath, asking yourself: “Hey, what if I didn’t outsource this thing I’m worried about to my anxiety sidekick? What if I gave this concern to another part of me to handle? How would that feel different?”

Breaking the Habit of Anxiety

When people are reluctant to give up their anxiety because it’s the only way they know to get things done, reframing the situation in the way Flores-Popcak suggests can help overcome that mental roadblock.

But it’s no magic bullet, he said: “Just realizing, ‘Oh, huh, I can do all the things that I’m already doing, but for a love reason as opposed to a fear reason, and I won’t be anxious anymore’—no one’s going to hear that and just magically change.”

Instead, it takes time to build a new, healthier habit: slowing down enough to question the automatic anxiety response, then intentionally choosing a different response instead, and then actually carrying out that choice as an act of one’s will.

Someone has to make that choice over and over many times before it becomes habitual, Flores-Popcak said—a process that is often supported with other approaches during therapy.

But the effort is always worth it, he said, because it allows people to enter into a healthier relationship with themselves (including their “anxiety sidekick”) and with others. “It allows the actions that I take in regard to my co-workers, my friends, my kids, and my spouse to be more effective because they no longer feel that I’m coming at them with a giant fear gun,” he said. “Instead, I’m coming at them with a loving spirit.”

In the end, this allows us to arrive at the same point with our anxiety that Shrek arrives at in regards to Donkey: no longer resenting or repressing our “sidekick” as an unwanted intruder or antagonist, nor letting him control everything for us, but instead welcoming him as a well-intentioned sidekick who can be taken with a grain of salt.

For more about tackling anxiety, check out Unworried: A Life without Anxiety by Dr. Gregory Popcak. And for one-on-one pastoral counseling help from Jacob Flores-Popcak or another Catholic counselor, reach out at CatholicCounselors.com.

The 3 Basic Triggers for Your Child’s Meltdowns and Tantrums (and What You Can Do to Help)

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Handling meltdowns and tantrums in young children is one of the most popular topics on the CatholicHOM parenting discussion boards. While each situation is unique, the solution to these behaviors often follows the same basic set of principles, says Jacob Francisco, a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. With these principles in mind, parents can effectively address tantrums and meltdowns on their own most of the time.

What’s Your Mindset?

You can’t control your child’s behavior, at least not directly. But you can control your own response to that behavior, so checking your mindset is a good place to begin.

Many parents mistakenly believe that their child intentionally chooses to melt down or throw a tantrum as a deliberate tactic to get their way. In fact, young children—especially those under age five—have very little control over their emotions.

“Kids really don’t have as much ability to regulate their emotions as we think that they do,” Francisco says. “It’s just brain neurology. They just don’t have enough of their cortex formed yet to be able to do that consistently or under any level of pressure.”

As children get past age five, they begin to develop better self-regulation—but they still need coaching, Francisco says.

Realizing that our children aren’t intentionally trying to drive us crazy helps to reframe the whole situation. Instead of viewing it as an antagonistic, me-against-them scenario, it’s more like teaching your child how to play catch—an analogy frequently used by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak in their Parenting with Grace books.

“When you’re playing catch with a five-year-old, your goal is to pass the ball back and forth without dropping it. You’re not trying to make them fail or challenge them too much—you’re just helping them learn,” Francisco explains.

Just as children need time and coaching to learn physical skills, they also need time and coaching to learn how to manage their emotions. Having a meltdown is like “dropping the ball” emotionally.

If you’re playing catch with your child and he drops the ball, how would you react?

“I’m not going to go over there and use harsh discipline, I’m not going to just give up or throw my glove down and be like, ‘Fine, we’re not going to play, then, if you can’t behave right.’ That’s not going to solve the issue,” Francisco says.

Instead, parents should approach tantrums and meltdowns with empathy and the desire to help. Just like playing catch, you’re really on the same team—and that is what you want to convey to your child.

What’s Really Going On Here?

With that mindset in place, the way to address meltdowns is by doing a little detective work. Rather than focusing on the tantrum itself, look for the underlying cause of the tantrum. In general, the cause will fall into one of three categories, Francisco says.

1. Basic Needs. First, consider whether your child’s basic needs are the issue. “Are they hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or sick? Any one of these factors can spark a tantrum over something that seems inconsequential to adults,” Francisco explains. For example, a child who is overtired might burst into tears over a minor frustration, such as spilling her snack.

 

2. Emotional Overload. Second, assess whether your child might be overwhelmed by their emotions. Children have a low threshold for difficult feelings, and even small events can trigger big reactions.

 

3. Underdeveloped Coping Skills.  Finally, consider whether your child simply doesn’t know how to respond appropriately to a particular problem, or doesn’t know how to apply an existing skill to the problem at hand. “This is where, as parents, we often have the thought, ‘You know what to do. You already know how to deal with this situation.’ We’ve all had that thought, and it’s not as true as we think it is,” Francisco says. “When some sort of disconnect is happening in their little child brain that’s still growing, still forming all of these connections and skills, in any given moment, they might not be able to make the connection to the skill that you’ve already worked on a dozen times. As frustrating as it is, they need another coaching session.”

Once you have identified the likely cause of the tantrum (basic need, big emotions, underdeveloped skills), then the next step is to help them address that problem “as patiently and gently as humanly possible,” Francisco says.

Figuring out the root cause of the tantrum may take some trial and error, but it is far more effective in the short term than responding with yelling or punishment. And in the long term, it teaches your child that they can turn to you for help when they most need it, a habit that will pay dividends even as they grow into young adulthood.

Some Tips for Helping Kids Regulate Their Emotions

Unfortunately, there is no way to “solve” the problem of meltdowns overnight. Gradually, though, they will decrease in frequency and intensity as your child’s brain develops and as she acquires more self-regulation skills. The good news is that you can speed up the process a little.

“We want to be teaching our kids, even when they’re only slightly upset, that the first order of business in solving a problem is staying calm or becoming calm,” Francisco says. “So maybe that means we’re teaching our kids when they’re about to start crying to try to take some deep breaths, and we do it with them. Maybe that means we have a little game that we play with them, like I Spy; it gets them interacting with their environment, and it’s something that is fun for them. Or maybe you’ve got a little one who likes ‘Patty Cake’ and you see the tears are about to come: ‘Hey, let’s play patty cake!’ Now you’ve got that sensory touch to help them. A hug can do a world of good, too.”

Many of these techniques are about teaching kids how to use their body as the first means of regulating their emotions, he says.

Walking away from a child who consistently refuses your help might be the best strategy for children over age five, as long as you do so in a way that maintains a positive, helpful approach.

Tell the child that you’re going to step away for a few minutes—one or two, not an extended period of time—while they work on calming down. Check back every so often, asking whether they are calm enough to talk or to let you help them get even more calmed down.

And if you’re feeling on the verge of having your own adult-style tantrum, then you can model self-regulation by stepping away, telling your child what you are doing: “I’m getting really frustrated right now. I’m going to be back in two minutes. I need to calm myself down.”

It’s Going to Get Better

Dealing with tantrums can be exhausting, but Francisco has words of reassurance for parents: It’s going to get better. Returning to the analogy of the game of catch, the most important thing is to keep the ball going—in other words, to maintain that connected, healthy parent-child relationship.

“We want to have a relationship with our kids as they get older, so we don’t want to get bogged down each time our kid drops the ball or has a hard time catching it,” he says. “They will get better. The game will get more fun. It’s not always going to be what it is right now, so enjoy the time, even the hard times, because they will pass.”

For more help with this or other parenting problems, reach out to one of the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com, or join the CatholicHOM community.

Everything You’ve Been Told About Raising Faithful Catholic Kids Is Wrong

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Several times a week, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear from parents whose adult children no longer practice the Catholic faith they were raised in. These callers to the More2Life radio program are devout Catholics who did “all the things” to pass the faith along to their kids: they sent them to Catholic school or parish-based faith formation, attended Mass every week, and involved their children in youth groups.

Yet despite their best efforts, their children abandoned the faith as adults. Why?

“Everything that parents have been told about raising faithful Catholic kids is wrong,” Dr. Popcak said in a recent conversation with Marcus Peter, host of Ave Maria in the Afternoon, on how parents—and the Church—can better support raising kids who remain faithful into adulthood. Despite the significant investment that churches make in youth ministry and faith formation, research shows that only about 15 percent of Catholic kids continue to practice their faith as adults.

“You know, the Church has this spiritual cancer where we are not going to survive the next few generations if we don’t get this number up,” Dr. Popcak said.

What Matters Most: The Family Transformed by Jesus’ Love

In 2018, Dr. Popcak, founder of both the Pastoral Solutions Institute and the Peyton Institute for Domestic Church Life, partnered with the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) to conduct the Future of Faithful Families Project. This study interviewed adults who had retained their Catholic faith to identify the common factors in their upbringing.

The study found that what mattered most was not the quality of the youth group or Catholic school, or even the family’s weekly Mass attendance. While those things are valuable, they are secondary to the habits and practices within the home, Dr. Popcak said.

“And I don’t just mean the prayers that the family says,” he explained. “I mean that the children need to experience the faith as making a significant difference in the quality of the relationships in the home compared to their less-churched friends’ families.”

Children need to see that their family’s faith influences how they handle challenges, celebrate joys, and navigate everyday life. Even in their imperfections, these families’ grounding in Christ challenges them “to address problems differently, to hang in there with each other, to pray through things, to talk about these things, to draw closer together in difficult times,” Dr. Popcak said.

“Kids need to experience the faith as a source of the warmth in the home,” he added.

Learning about Christ is important, but it is essential that kids experience the love of Christ within the family, he said. A child or teen might memorize the Catechism or attend Bible study, but that catechetical work builds on the foundation of the young person’s lived experience of faith.

“When we take the approach where we treat religion like algebra and just teach kids faith facts, they’re not falling in love with Jesus, right?” Dr. Popcak said. “But what happened in these families (in the study) is the kids experienced for themselves the real difference that living the gospel made in their daily lives as a family, which made it real for them.”

Connection, Affection, and Service

The Future of Faithful Families Project identified several common habits and practices among families who successfully handed on an enduring faith to their kids. Here are some key takeaways:

  • Prioritizing Family Time: Successful families made intentional efforts to spend time together regularly, whether through shared meals, game nights, or simply being present for each other. This emphasis on togetherness allowed faith to be modeled naturally and authentically.
  • Creating Meaningful Family Rituals: These families established daily or weekly rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together. These rituals enabled family members to connect meaningfully with one another and practice the faith in the context of everyday life. Shared work rituals, for example, provided opportunities to experience how loving service and cooperation make work more pleasant and rewarding. They didn’t just pray at mealtimes; they brought God into everyday moments, whether through gratitude, a simple blessing, or turning to prayer during conflicts.
  • Practicing Generous Affection: Participants frequently described their families as “huggy,” highlighting a warm and affectionate atmosphere. From frequent hugs to verbal affirmations, these gestures created a sense of safety and belonging, reinforcing the idea that love is at the heart of faith.
  • Discipleship Discipline: Instead of punitive measures, these parents practiced discipleship discipline focused on teaching good behavior and encouraging virtue. They created structures that supported their children’s growth and helped them understand the “why” behind their actions.
  • Serving Each Other and Others: Families found small ways to serve one another and those around them, demonstrating that faith isn’t just about belief but action. Simple acts of kindness and service were seen as natural extensions of their love for Christ.

These families didn’t treat faith as a subject to be learned; instead, they showed that living the Gospel had a tangible impact on their daily lives, fostering resilience, hope, and a deep sense of connection.

Even in Today’s World, It’s Possible to Raise Faithful Kids

The habits and practices identified by the Future of Faithful Families Project are not a guaranteed formula, and other factors also play a role in young adults’ faith decisions. However, these foundational practices greatly improve the chances that children will grow into adults who experience the warmth of a strong relationship with God.

For parents feeling anxious about raising faithful children in today’s challenging cultural context, the study’s findings provide real hope and a clear path forward.

“The good news of this study is that we have the control, we have the ability to raise faithful kids,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s not about the culture, it’s not about peers, it’s not about the media. It’s about how we live the faith in our home, and the degree to which the faith impacts the way we relate to each other, and the love that we share.”

For those seeking to deepen their family’s faith life, resources like the CatholicHOM app developed by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak can support parents in cultivating these habits and nurturing their children’s faith in meaningful ways.