Healthy Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport & Benevolence. Take the Quiz!

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Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.”  Monday, I summarized all 8 divorceoptionhabits and yesterday we looked at Rituals of Connection.  Today, I’ll describe the second habit, Cultivating Emotional Rapport & Benevolence.  After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport and Benevolence:

Why Is This important?

Galatians 6:2 says “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Happy couples do exactly this in good times and bad times. They look for ways to take care of each other and make each other’s lives a little easier or more pleasant, especially in times of stress and disagreement between them.

In the healthiest relationships, couples exhibit a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in the course of their everyday interactions and conversations (Gottman, 2011). That can seem overwhelming on the face of it|—|as if the only thing happy couples do is dance around in a state of blissful merrymaking, showering each other with presents and loving words. Relax. That’s not the case at all. “Positive interactions” include simple acts like smiling at your partner when you walk into the room, acknowledging each other’s presence and looking into each other’s eyes when you talk, and brief touches as you walk past each other, as well as giving meaningful compliments, thoughtful tokens of affection, and being intentionally affectionate with one another.
Sometimes, it can be hard to convince couples of the incredible power these simple actions have on the overall well-being of a marriage. On more than one occasion, I have had couples challenge me by saying, “I feel like we’re paying you a lot of money just for you to tell us to be nice to each other!” It may feel that way, but there is a great deal more going on than meets the eye. Studies such as the Gottman article I referenced earlier show that, when it comes to marital health, the devil (and for that matter, the angel) is in the details. Saving your marriage, for the most part, is not about big, dramatic gestures. It is about becoming more aware and sensitive and intentionally making more positive the ten thousand times you interact with your spouse each day and currently don’t give a second thought to.

Simple actions such as the ones I just listed do two things. First, they help your mate feel cared for and valued in the moment, which draws you closer to each other and makes you actually want to be together instead of feeling like you want to flee the room every time your spouse makes an appearance. Second, these simple practices make you more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt when you accidentally step on each other’s toes. It’s hard to take offense and react defensively to each other when you see that you are looking out for each other, happy to see each other, and trying to take care of each other thirty-eight times out of forty. If you’re working to make all those little interactions just a little more positive, it’s easier to let those other two out of forty times slide when you step on each other’s toes. We’ll discuss ways to develop this habit in chapter 5, but you can begin today just by doing the kinds of things I just identified. (And it’s okay to fake it if you don’t feel it just yet. As long as your intention is to feel it someday, that’s good enough.) Don’t expect your spouse to respond right away. It might even take a few weeks before your mate notices that there’s something different in the way you’re approaching him or her. I promise, though, if you stick with it, it will begin to make a difference.

Healthy-Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport and Benevolence Quiz.

How important is developing this skill to YOUR marriage?

Answer true (T) or false (F) for each question.

T F  1. My spouse and I look for little ways to make each other’s life easier or more pleasant each day.

T F  2. My spouse and I know and understand each other well.

T F  3. My spouse and I know and understand each other’s needs.

T F  4. My spouse and I are thoughtful and sensitive to each other’s likes and dislikes.

T F  5. My spouse and I share frequent, meaningful, nonsexual, physical affection.

T F  6. My spouse and I look for little ways to support and encourage each other each day.

T F  7. My spouse and I know how to encourage each other when we feel down.

T F  8. My spouse and I find comfort in each other’s arms when we’re stressed.

T F  9. My spouse and I turn to each other for comfort when we are upset or frustrated.

T F  10. My spouse and I try to be gentle and caring toward each other even when we are frustrated or stressed.

Give yourself 1 point for each T.

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that maintaining Emotional Rapport and Benevolence is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4 through 7 means that you could significantly improve your marriage by giving greater attention to increasing your experience of Emotional Rapport and Benevolence.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do?  Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate Emotional Rapport and Benevolence in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals.  Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

The Extraordinary Synod on the Family–Processing the Explosion

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The Catholic world exploded the other day with the release of the Relatio,  the summary document intended to highlight the progress of the Synod Fathers so far.  There is another week ahead of course, bishopsand then the Synod will adjourn until next October when the conversation will pick back up up again with the Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops on the Family.  But the first week was, depending upon whom you ask, either the absolute end of the world, or nothing much to write home about.

I’ll admit that my eyebrows have been raised by what I’ve read so far about the Synod, but I’m not quite ready to crawl into my bomb shelter.    As a friend pointed out the other day, it was only a little more than 40 years ago when the world was sure the Church was going to endorse artificial birth control.  Nobody expected Humanae Vitae.

A Clear Theology of Family

My own sense of the summary report is that it is disappointing, but not so much for what it says (although I do have issues with this as well, and Robert Royal speaks to those concerns here) as for what it doesn’t say.  Specifically, the summary provides no clear sense that the bishops are even trying to articulate a clear theology of family.  Such a thing exists.  Perhaps the bishops are taking it for granted that everyone knows about it. I think the reaction to the Relatio shows that this is most definitely not the case.

My impression, so far, is that the Synod Fathers are tinkering.  They’ve been trying to address ad hoc problems within the family without really adequately addressing the fundamental problems that necessitated this Synod in the first place.  When one looks at the world, one sees rather clearly that “the family”, whatever that is anymore, is deeply broken.  Before we can get around to talking about how the Church can better respond to the needs of this particular irregular family situation or that, we have to clarify what the family is supposed to look like in the first place.

In other words, in this first week, the Synod Fathers have been so busy redirecting the smoke that they’ve forgotten the need to put out the fire.

The Big Questions

It’s still early in the game, of course and, as I say,  I’m not that concerned about where the Synod Fathers are at right now.  I also think the almost universal freak out is probably a good reality check for the Church.  So, while I can’t exactly march in that parade, I appreciate the floats and the band.   That said, I sincerely hope that the Synod starts to get its bearings and the real work can continue over the next year or so.  As the process moves forward, we’re going to see more discussion of the following…

What is a family, really?

Why is that definition of the family objectively superior to all other visions?

What is the mission of the family?   That is, what is the ultimate goal of  family life and what is its proper role in the Church and in the world?

How are Catholic families, and the Catholic Church in general, called to witness to the fullness of family life in the Church and in the world?

And then, finally, after we’ve done all that, we can finally answer the question we started with: How can we minister more effectively to those individuals whose personal circumstances are far from the ideal for which the Church stands?

Until we answer those first questions, we’re simply not equipped to answer that last question.

First Things First

It would be nice to think that the Church could just go in, tweak some pastoral practices, and call it a day.  But that clearly is not going to happen, because it was an impossible mission from the start.  The response to the Relatio by bishops, laity, and the world’s media alike shows that the problems are much more fundamental–and inescapable–than anyone would like them to be.

As the process moves forward, let us pray that our bishops find the courage to minister to the fundamental problems with the family now that they’ve discovered that sticking a finger in the dike won’t work.

 

Healthy Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection. Take the Quiz!

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Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.”  Yesterday, I listed all 8 divorceoptionhabits.  Today, I’ll describe the first habit, Rituals of Connection.  After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy-Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection|—| Why Is This important?

One study examining fifty years of research on the effect of rituals such as eating together, praying together, and working and worshiping together found that these simple activities had an almost magical degree of power over marriage and family health (Fiese, Tomcho, Douglas, et al., 2002). Couples who regularly worked, played, discussed more than just the tasks of life, and prayed together were significantly happier and more stable than other couples and exhibited far fewer problems that negatively impact marital well-being, such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse (Fiese, 2006). Research by the Baylor University Institute for the Study of Religion found that couples who prayed together were about 30 percent happier across every aspect of their relationship (e.g., sex, parenting, financial management, division of labor, and so forth) than couples who did not; and couples who prayed “a lot” were happier than couples who prayed “sometimes” (Rushnell and DuArt, 2011). Similarly, couples who enjoy “shared meaning” (i.e, similar beliefs and purpose in life) are also much happier in their marriages than couple who feel that they are unequally yoked regarding their beliefs and attitudes (Gottman, 2011).

It is easy to understand why this is so. Couples who make time to work, play, talk, and pray together at least a little bit each day and to a greater degree each week know that they need to prioritize their marriage; that marriage is an activity, not an accessory. It can be hard to have a stable, satisfying marriage if a couple tries to squeeze in time to work, play, talk, and pray together when all the work and chores are done.

Of course, as Catholics, we believe that the family is the domestic church. We know that the Catholic Faith is filled with rituals—Sunday and daily Mass, holy days, confession and other sacraments, adoration, Stations, para-liturgies, and prayers—that bind the family of God together, call us back to each other, and bring order to our lives. Taking seriously our role as domestic church means, at least in part, celebrating the power of marriage and family rituals and routines to bind us together similarly, call us back to each other, and bring order to our lives.

Take The Rituals of Connection Quiz!

Healthy-Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection for Work, Play, Talk, and Prayer

How important is developing this skill to your marriage?

Answer true (T) or false (F) for each question.

T F  1. My spouse and I get at least a little time to work together almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  2. My spouse and I get at least a little time to have some fun time together almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  3. My spouse and I get at least a little time to talk with each other about feelings about life and our relationship (i.e., not just stuff that needs to be done) almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  4. My spouse and I get at least a little time to pray together about our life and relationship (beyond Grace at meals) almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  5. Once a week, my spouse and I usually spend at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 1) working together on some larger household project (e.g., cleaning or fixing things at home).

T F  6. Once a week, my spouse and I get at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 2) to do something fun (in or out of the house) just as a couple.

T F  7. Once a week, my spouse and I get at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 3) to talk together in greater depth about our life and relationship.

T F  8. At least once a week, my spouse and I attend church together.

T F  9. My spouse and I enjoy each other’s company.

T F  10. Even when we are not getting along, our relationship feels comfortable and familiar.

Give yourself 1 point for each T.

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that your rituals and routines are a real source of strength in your relationship.

A score of 4 through 7 means that you could significantly improve your marriage by giving greater attention to increasing the presence of rituals and routines in your relationship.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

 

How’d you do?  Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen the rituals of connection in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals.  Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

8 Habits of Healthy Couples

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My newest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love looks at the eight habits that healthy couples cultivate in their relationship and describes, step-divorceoptionby-step how couples who are struggling can develop those habits in their relationship.

There’s a lot of confusion about what separates happy couples from unhappy couples.  The book explodes some of those myths.  For instance, you might be surprised to know that happy couples argue about as often as unhappy couples and are about as good at solving problems!  The real difference is how happy couples work hard to take care of each other when they’re arguing and also the ways they attend to both their relationship and their own emotional health with they are not in conflict.  Research shows that these eight habits that distinguish happy couples can be learned by any couple regardless of their background.  We know now that if a couple is willing to do the work to learn and practice these eight habits, virtually ANY marriage can be saved.

Do you and your spouse practice the Healthy Marriage Habits that can help you get the most out of your marriage?  Take a look.

1.  Rituals of Connection-– Happy couples have regular rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together.  They carve out at some time each day to make sure they do something related to these four categories.  Rituals of connection form the skeleton of the relationship.  These rituals guarantee that the couple will prioritize their relationship and have the time they need to share experiences, relate on a deeper level to each other, and build a shared life together.

2.  Emotional Rapport & Benevolence– Happy couples make a point of being intentional about looking for ways to make each other’s days a little easier or more pleasant.  They turn toward each other in times of stress (instead of isolating) and actively look for ways to lighten each other’s burden even when they don’t feel like it.

3.  Self-Regulation–Happy couples are good at monitoring their emotional temperatures.  They know when they need to take a break from a stressful conversation and they know what to do to get themselves back to a calm and empathetic mindset so that the next round of discussions will go better.  They don’t blame their partner for their own emotional reactions.  Instead, they learn from the times they lose it and figure out how to do better the next time.

4. A Positive Intention Frame--Happy couples realize that most offenses in marriage are due to miscommunication or misunderstanding.  They realize that their partner gets nothing out of being intentionally offensive.  They try to understand the true intention or need behind the offense and find more respectful way to meet that need or intention.

5. Caretaking in Conflict–Happy couples know that the most important thing in problem-solving isn’t actually solving the problem.  The MOST important thing in problem-solving is taking care of each other so that they can solve the problem together.  Happy couples work to make sure each knows the other’s concerns are important.  They also look for ways to reassure each other that they can get through any difficulties as long as they stick together.

6.  Mutual Respect, Accountability, and Boundaries–Happy couples respect each other, which means that they are willing to listen and learn from each other even when it is hard.  They don’t have to understand why something is important to their partner.  It is enough that it is important.  They accept each other’s boundaries and work to accommodate each other’s needs and preferences even when those needs or preferences don’t necessarily make sense.

7.  Reviewing and Learning from Mistakes–Happy couples know how to learn from their disagreements.  They are able to go back over arguments and offenses in a way that helps them learn to do better next time.  They don’t blame and attack each other or endlessly debate what “really” happened last time.  They focus on what they need to do to handle similar situations better in the future.

8.  Seeking Healthy Support–Happy couples know when they need to learn new skills and they know where to turn for appropriate support.  They don’t complain about their marriage to friends who will simply confirm their biases.  They look for opportunities to develop new skills even when things are going well, and if they need help, they seek it either from mature couples who know and love them both, or marriage-friendly professionals who are qualified to teach the skills they need to address their particular struggles.

How’d you do?  Every couple has areas they are best at and areas they could improve in. If you would like to learn how to heal or strengthen your relationship by cultivating these skills, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.   You’ll discover a step-by-step plan for making your marriage everything you know it can be!

Or, if you feel you need additional support, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about how our Catholic tele-counseling practice can help you transform your marriage, family or personal life!

When a Father Leads: Marian Consecration P. 2 –Guest Blog by Dave McClow

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Dave McClow is a pastoral counseling associate with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

How did Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades lead at least 12,000 Catholics in the diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend, Indiana, in the Marian consecration as part of the New Evangelization effort?

In Part 1 I covered the “what” of the consecration and its rich insights from four saints.  If you remember, the consecration started with one woman in the diocese named Ida List.  Ida had made the consecration several times and was leading retreats—she was on fire!  She had heard that another diocese had implemented this and had called them to see what they had done.  Two hundred people had made the consecration with their bishop, but without the benefit of the DVD retreat for small groups.  She had felt called to talk to Bishop Rhoades and presented the idea about doing Fr. Michael Gaitley’s 33 days to Morning Glory retreat diocese-wide.   “A week later I received a letter from Bishop Rhoades saying that he loved the idea.”  He picked the date of the Feast of the Assumption, which happened to correspond with the Knights of Columbus Family Faith Festival.  Ida also “loved that the eve of the date was St. Maximillian’s feast day [August 14]!”

Bishop Rhoades announced it on 5/11/14, two full months before the start date, in Today’s Catholic, the diocesan weekly.  “We invited Fr. Gaitley to the priests’ Spring presbyteral meeting so that they could hear firsthand about this endeavor.”  “Bishop [Rhoades] was outstanding in his encouragement…”  There was something in the paper for weeks on the initiative. (Click here for the archives and start at 5/11/14-7/12/14).  Bishop did a video where he shared his own story with the Marian consecration and introduced the idea of consecration that was seen by over 1000 people.  When the 33 days started, Bishop did weekly podcasts where he reflected on the saint and the consecration.  He shared some of his personal experiences with Blessed Mother Teresa and St. John Paul II. READ MORE

 

Australian Couple Releases Full Text of Synod Speech

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I’m friends with Byron and Francine Pirola, the son and DIL of Ron and Mavis Pirola, the Australian couple who presented to the Extraordinary Synod.  Byron and Francine run the Australian Marriage Ron-Mavis-hi-res-cropped-945x1024-276x300Resource Center which was founded by Ron and Mavis.  They have been getting  a lot of comments about the speech and they wanted to release the full text of Ron and Mavis’ talk to help clarify any confusion.  They asked if I would help spread the word.

We’ve had a number of colleagues contact us having seen media coverage of Byron’s parents address which was supposed to be confidential and therefore written for a ‘bishop’ audience. You may have seen media reports about the address given by Ron & Mavis Pirola at the Extraordinary Synod on the Family earlier this week. They are one of 14 couples who were invited to by the Vatican to participate in the Synod as ‘auditors’ (having equal ‘air-time’ as the Bishops). Their address has attracted considerable attention, in part because only the input of the lay people is being made public. Not surprisingly, much of the reporting is ‘over-reaching’. We have posted the text of their address (4 minutes) as well as an interview they gave to Rome Reports on the MRC website. You can watch and read it here.  

Ron and Mavis are the Chair of the Australian Catholic Marriage and Family Council (and advisory council to the Bishops Commission for Pastoral Life) and were members of the Pontifical Council of the Family for 25 years.  They were foundational in introducing Marriage Encounter to Australia and are National Leaders of the Antioch youth movement and Executive members of PMRC Australia.

In Faith and in Love,
Francine & Byron Pirola
Directors | Marriage Resource Centre