Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends”? 1st in New CatholicMatch.com Video Series with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak

Posted on July 21, 2015 by GREG

Check out the first in our brand new series of videos that Lisa and I did with CatholicMatch.com. Here is the introduction to the first video on the question of male and female friendships by CatholicMatch.com editor, Robyn Lee.

This past weekend I was chatting with one of my girlfriends about how excited I was to see one of my guy friends from high school. Her response surprised me, “I don’t believe women and men can be friends.”

I was taken aback at first and responded defensively: “I guess it depends what you mean by ‘friends.'” Then we debated about what level of friendship men and women can enter into without having romantic feelings for each other. I’ve always thought that I could be casual friends with guys. But I knew if I had an intimate friendship with that same guy I would eventually fall in love with him. I‘ve had this debate so many times before. Why does this question always intrigue us?

To answer this question, check out this video by Dr. Gregory Popcak and his wife, Lisa. I was fascinated about the way they talked about the differences between men and women. Greg and Lisa answer this captivating question in a way that I have never considered before. I suspect it may surprise you as well.

New Research Suggests Porn is NOT an Addiction. It is a Compulsion. Here’s Why That Matters.

Posted on July 21, 2015 by GREG

Image via Shutterstock

New research puts another nail in the coffin of the idea that pornography is an addiction. First the study, then I’ll explain why this matters for treating problem sexual behaviors and why it’s GOOD news for sufferers. According to ScienceDirect.com…

A new study published in Biological Psychology provides provocative evidence in favor of dropping the addiction label because what’s going on inside the brains of so-called porn “addicts” is nothing like what you would expect from someone who has an addiction.

In this study, researchers recruited 122 heterosexual men and women who reported “problems regulating their viewing of sexual images.” These participants came to a lab where they viewed a series of images (some sexual, some non-sexual) while an electroencephalograph (EEG) measured their brain waves.

The researchers focused on one specific brain activity pattern, the late positive potential (LPP), which reveals the extent to which a stimulus evokes an emotional response. LPP is a frequently used measure in neuroscience studies of emotion.

Previous studies of drug addicts have found that, when shown images of their drug of choice, their LPP levels spike—that is, they show a strong emotional response to images of the drug.

To the extent that pornography is addictive, one would expect a similar finding when a so-called porn addict is shown sexually explicit imagery; however, that’s not what was found in this study. Instead, what researchers found was the reverse—that is, these individuals showed decreased LPP levels when viewing sexual images compared to non-sexual images.

As noted by the study’s lead author, Dr. Nicole Prause, in a press release: “While we do not doubt that some people struggle with their sexual behaviors, these data show that the nature of the problem is unlikely to be addictive.” In light of such findings, it would seem advisable to drop the “addiction” label when talking about people who are having issues regulating their porn use because it does not appear to be accurate.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Saying that pornography is not addictive does NOT mean it is not problematic. We know that it is–unquestionably. BUT if the urge to view pornography is an addiction then that means that one can never hope to fully recover from the urge to view pornography and/or masturbate. As the saying goes, “Once and addict, always an addict.” Although some people are helped by recovery programs that follow an addiction model, many other people are demoralized by the idea that they might never be free of the struggle. This idea causes many to give up treatment or never try in the first place. “After all, if I’m never going to be free, why start in the first place.”

This might seem like a cop-out on the surface, after all, plenty of people have drug and alcohol addictions and they seek help. But the difference is that with drugs or alcohol, you can learn to avoid the chemicals that drive the addiction. But if pornography is actually an addiction, you always carry the chemicals that cause the addiction inside of you. You can never really be sure when they might strike again. An alcoholic can tell himself, “I can be OK as long as I don’t take the first drink.” but while a “porn addict” can avoid pornography, they can’t avoid feeling physically attracted to someone. If they’re married, they can’t avoid sex. They can’t avoid every image on TV or in the movies the might provoke arousal. Can you imagine the kind of pressure this approach can put on a client and why so many people despair of ever recovering when they are treated using an addiction model? No matter how many controls you put on your computer, no matter how accountable you make yourself to a partner, you can ever be scrupulous enough to get away from every imaginable trigger.

GOOD NEWS

The mounting research suggests that rather than an addiction, it might be truer to call porn and problem sexual behavior “compulsions.” To say that the urge to view pornography is more like a compulsion than an addiction means that it can be treated like many other impulse control problems such as, anger control problems. The treatment for compulsions involves helping clients learn mindfulness-based techniques that empower them to avoid triggers when possible, recognize urges early, identify the problem driving the urge and address the real, underlying concern. There is good reason to believe that this approach actually heals the damage compulsions can cause in the brain and enable clients to experience healthy arousal without triggering a compulsive response. Many clients who learn this approach report that they can become free from the urge to view pornography or engage in other problem sexual behaviors altogether AND go on to have healthier and more intimate marriages post-treatment.

Through the Pastoral Solutions Institute tele-counseling practice we successfully treat problem sexual behaviors such as compulsive pornography use using this compulsion model of treatment. We also encourage our clients to use a wonderful support program called ReclaimSexualHealth.com which created a coaching program to support clients going through therapy for this issue.

THE BOTTOM LINE

The bottom line is that if you or someone you love is struggling with problem sexual behavior, there is hope. There is healing. There is a way through. And if you need assistance, we are here to help.

Major Cheating Websites Hacked–Members Threatened with Exposure

Posted on July 20, 2015 by GREG

According to KrebsOnSecurity

“Large caches of data stolen from [a major] online cheating site [ed. note. I have redacted the name of the site so as to not participate in the promotion of their “work”] have been posted online by an individual or group that claims to have completely compromised the company’s user databases, financial records and other proprietary information. The still-unfolding leak could be quite damaging to some 37 million users of the hookup service, whose slogan is ‘Life is short. Have an affair.'”

This is actually the second such site to have been hacked in the last several months. Millions of people and marriage could be affected by the release of member’s information. The existence of such websites is incredibly sad. Please pray for those who have been caught up in the temptation to take advantage of the “services” these sites offer. May God grant them the grace they need to heal their personal and marital wounds. As I note in When Divorce is NOT An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, the good news is that research consistently shows that those who seek appropriate, professional help in recovering from infidelity, often are able to heal their marriages and report better and stronger relationships moving forward. Couples who try to go it alone tend to not do quite so well–often getting stuck in a place where the tension is constant but never openly discussed. The point is that healing is possible, even for serious infidelity, if you seek appropriate, professional, marriage-friendly guidance.

We’re here to help. If you are struggling to heal from the pain of infidelity, please contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn how our tele-counseling practice can help you heal.

“You Make Me Sick!” The Surprising Ways Your Spouse May Be Undermining (or Helping) Your Health

Posted on July 14, 2015 by GREG

Image Shutterstock

Researchers consider it a well-establish fact that the quality of our relationships, in general, and our romantic relationships, in particular, wield huge influence over our physical health and well-being. We know, for example, that people who are unhappy in their marriages are at significantly greater risk for disease than couples who are happy together. What was less clear is the mechanism by which relationships impact our health. But a new study finds that the degree to which you feel understood and supported by your partner directly impacts the production of hormones that. over time, can either prevent or cause disease.

I’ve Got You Under My Skin

The study predicted that the partner’s responsiveness might affect cortisol production. Cortisol is a hormone that helps to regulate a diverse set of functions in the human body, ranging from higher-order functions like learning and memory, to more basic functions like immune system responses and the breaking down of food (i.e., metabolism). New research suggests that the body’s rhythm of cortisol production throughout the day has important implications for health. People with “steeper” cortisol profiles—higher cortisol output in the morning, with declining output throughout the rest of the day—tend to have better health outcomes compared to people with flatter cortisol profiles.

Slatcher and colleagues predicted that having a high-quality romantic relationship—in which the person feels that their partner is responsive to their needs—might lead to long-term improvements in how the body produces cortisol. To test this, the researchers analyzed over a thousand participants who were either married or living with their partners. Participants indicated how responsive they thought their partner was by rating how much they thought their partner cared about them, understood their feelings, and appreciated them. Participants also provided four saliva samples per day over a four-day period, so that researchers could determine their cortisol profiles. Ten years later, the same participants again complete the same measures, allowing the researchers to examine how responsiveness might predict changes in cortisol profiles over time.

Results: Support Predicts Health 10 Years Later!

The researchers found that, indeed, people who felt their partners were more responsive at Time 1 had healthier cortisol profiles ten years later: they had higher cortisol levels shortly after waking up, as well as a steeper decline in cortisol levels throughout the day. This was true even for people who were no longer with the same partner, suggesting that people may benefit from high-quality romantic relationships even after those relationships have ended. Further, these effects held controlling for a number of other relevant factors, such as gender, age, and depressive symptoms, suggesting that the results could not be attributed to these other things. However, the researchers did find that their results were partially explained by negative emotion: people with more responsive partners subsequently tended to experienced fewer negative emotions, which helped to explain their improved cortisol profiles. READ MORE

Biology is Theology

In his Theology of the Body, Pope St. John Paul the Great taught that human beings are not so much individuals as they are persons who are intimately connected to one another by nature. That we are relational is no mere accident. We are connected biologically to one another in ways that can be difficult to understand. From the perspective of TOB, there is nothing we do that doesn’t affect others–on a deep level– for good or ill. It is a fallacy to believe that the things we do just impact us. We were created for each other. Ideally, that means that we were created to love one another, and if we do, we can help each other become the godly, happy and healthy people we were meant to be. Of course, the opposite is also true.

Resources for a Healthier You

Taking care of your relationships–especially your most intimate relationships–is one of the most important ways you can take care of your own health. For more ideas on how to create a healthy marriage that leads to a healthier you, check out For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage and When Divorce Is NOT An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. Or contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn how our Catholic tele-counseling practice can help you satisfy your desire for a happier, healthier life.

Pastoral Solutions Institute and CatholicMatch.com: 2 Great Things That Go Great Together

Posted on July 9, 2015 by GREG

I’m excited to announce that that Pastoral Solutions Institute will be working with CatholicMatch.com as part of our shared mission to help Catholics celebrate the life and relationships that God wants them to have.

My wife, Lisa, and I will be hosting a soon-to-be-released video series for the CatholicMatch Institute on different aspects of what it takes to live life to the fullest and cultivate healthy, joyful, passionate, faith-filled marriages. We’ll providing other content as well over the next several months. Additionally, the Pastoral Solutions Institute will be providing opportunities for CatholicMatch clients to access personal coaching and counseling services both to assist them individually and to help get their relationships off to a great start. Check out this link that explains some of what we’ll be doing!

We’re excited about our new relationships with CatholicMatch and we look forward to helping CatholicMatch clients live God’s plan for life and relationships to the full!

Good Without God: Part 3 in My Head-To-Head Debate with John Mark Reynolds

Posted on July 8, 2015 by GREG

This post is part of a feature from Patheos called Head to Head where our best minds debate the big questions of the day.

This week, I’m debating the Evangelical Channel’s John Mark N. Reynolds. The question: is a deity necessary for morality?

This week’s question was inspired by Patheos Atheist writer Peter Mosley’s story on Theism’s Morality Glitch.

This is part three in my Patheos Head-to-Head debate with Philosopher John Mark Reynolds of Eidos Blog. I am responding to his post, Dear Doctor: Is is not Ought.

In his latest response, John Mark Reynolds begins by saying that he isn’t a psychologist. In turn, I must confess that I am not a philosopher. That said, I have at least a passing familiarity with David Hume’s “Is-Ought Problem” that Reynolds refers to. In short, where natural law reasoning says that most people ought to be able to determine what is moral by observing the way the world is–i.e., the way things work–Hume responds to this by observing, that, in fact, this is wishful thinking. Left to their own devices, most people tend to find ways to justify as moral what they want to do rather than trying to conform themselves to the natural order of the world. Current events clearly shows this to be the case. (And this summary of the is-out fallacy probably demonstrates how little philosophy cred I actually have.)

At any rate,I actually agree, as I indicated in my last post. The question we were asked to address was, “Is a deity necessary for morality?” This sets the bar rather low and I still think the answer is “no.” Even without God, people can create enough of a functional morality to get along with each other and create a basically functional society. In fact, as research shows, most people–even believers–make moral decisions on simplistic grounds like, “will I get in trouble?” or “will my friends be mad?” if i do this.

That said a more interesting question, and the one John Mark Reynolds has focused on is, “Exactly HOW moral can we be without God?” And I actually agree with him here. I think most of the naturalistic attempts at morality are pretty pathetic. They are functional, but they are certainly not transcendent in any way. Staying out of trouble or trying not to annoy my social group doesn’t really challenge me to be a better person. It just enables me to get along.

In the end, I think this is where the atheists and Christians struggle to understand each other, as I pointed out in my first post. For the atheist, “being moral” is just about avoiding conflict with the people around them. For the Christian “being moral” is about developing virtue and pursuing transcendence by conforming to something greater than oneself.

So, in the end, I would say that my position remains that people can be good without God. They just can’t be very good.