“Do We HAVE To?” Natural Family Planning and the Reluctant Couple

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My latest article for the Couple to Couple League’s Family Foundations magazine (What?  You don’t subscribe?)  deals with those couples who come to Natural Family Planning with a less than open heart.  Here’s a sneak peak.

The Resentful Couple

 Dr. Gregory K. Popcak

There are a lot of couples who come to Natural Family Planning…reluctantly.  Even resentfully.  As more dioceses require NFP training, many couples approach their classes a little like a root canal, but with less enthusiasm.

It’s easy to understand.  Catechized by friends, family, and the media who all think the Catholic Church hates sex–unless it’s being used to keep a woman barefoot and pregnant–many couples don’t believe the Church has anything good, much less useful or interesting, to say about sex.

If you are one of those couples.  Welcome.  We get it.  Many of us have been there.  But let me share something with you that your friends, family, and the media don’t know.  Your Bishop has asked you to take these NFP classes because the Catholic Church–in fact, God–wants you to have an amazing sex life that will only become more passionate the longer you are married.

Did I make you laugh?  Did I offend you?  I thought I saw you roll your eyes.  Go ahead.  Get it out of your system, but I’m not joking and I’m not trying to provoke you.  In fact, in July of 2013, US News & World Report ran an article with the headline, Devout Catholics Have Better Sex, Study Says.   The article noted that, according to decades of research, devout Catholics have sex more frequently, are more likely to take their sex lives seriously, and are more comfortable with the idea of sexual pleasure than any other demographic–religious or not.  Here’s why.

1.  Catholic Sex = Whole Sex.

In my book, Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving  (cited in the US News article as a helpful resource for couples) I list research showing that to have a satisfying sexual relationship, you have to bring your whole self (physical, relational, spiritual) to the experience.  You have to be comfortable with your body (the physical dimension).  You have to be an effective communicator (the relational dimension), and you have to understand the spiritual dimension of sex as well.  Leaving out any one of these three dimensions makes sex less interesting and less pleasurable.  Devout Catholics, especially those using NFP, are prepared to bring all three of these dimensions to their marital sexuality.

Because of charting, NFP couples are intimately aware of the body, how it works, and why it’s beautiful.  NFP helps couples overcome squeamishness about their bodies.  Likewise, NFP couples are challenged to communicate on a deeper level than other couples about the nature of their desire for each other, for children, and for other needs and concerns.  Finally, NFP couples realize that sex isn’t just a physical act but a spiritual one.

2.  Catholic Sex = Holy Sex.

Devout Catholics know that sex is spiritual because we know that God wants to use our sexual relationship as a physical sign of the passionate way he loves us.  As Pope Benedict XVI wrote in God is Love, when couples keep the spiritual dimension of their sexuality in mind, their sexual love for one another can help them “rise in ecstasy toward the Divine.”    In the Bible, the Song of Songs isn’t just a beautiful love poem between a bride and a bridegroom, it is a story about the passionate love God holds in his heart for us.  Sexual love is intended to be hint of (albeit an analogous one) the ecstatic joy we will all experience when we are one with God in the Eternal Wedding Feast.

Similarly, even secular sex researchers note that having a good sexual relationship tends to make couples work harder to be better people outside the bedroom.  They are inspired by their passion to be less selfish, more caretaking, more thoughtful, more generous.  Devout Catholics are better lovers because we understand that sex isn’t just about sex.  It’s ultimately about becoming better, more passionate, more authentically loving people and the joy we experience in the bedroom is a sign of that effort we make 24/7 to become what God is calling us to be.

3.  Catholic Sex = Intimate Sex

Sex should be deeply intimate.  But a lot of people have sex that isn’t intimate at all.  They keep things from each other.  They are afraid of being truly vulnerable, truly transparent, so they play a role.  They act like great lovers, but inside, they feel lonely.  The very act that should unite them makes them feel more isolated than ever.

Devout Catholics know how to break through this wall.   Because they know that being great lovers doesn’t just refer to what goes on inside the bedroom but also to how they relate to each other all day long, they make a conscious effort take better care of each other in every aspect of their lives.  Research by the Gottman Relationship Institute shows that caretaking makes it easier for such couples to let down their guard, to be vulnerable  in healthy ways, and to really connect in all areas of their relationship–especially lovemaking.

Still Resentful?

Is getting to those NFP classes inconvenient?  Sure.  Is talking about all this stuff awkward?  At first, yes.  Is going to Church-sponsored sex classes just plain weird?  It sure can feel that way.   But consider this.  Maybe the Church really isn’t doing this because it wants to meddle in your life.  Maybe the Church really does want to help you experience all the passion and love God wants to give you. Maybe the Church really does have something to say that your friends, family, and most of the media doesn’t have the first clue about.  US News & World Report seems to think so.  Maybe you should too.

Dr. Greg Popcak is the author of Holy Sex! The Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving and the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute which offers Catholic telephone counseling for couples, individuals and families.  Contact him at www.ExceptionalMarriages.com or call 740-266-6461 for more information.

Children: Eyes that Enable Us to See the Future

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In his comments at his reception by the Brazilian President, the Holy Father challenged all adults to care for children who represent the eyes through which we see the future.

Here it is common for parents to say, “Our children are the apple of our eyes”. How beautiful is this expression of Brazilian wisdom, which applies to young people an image drawn from our eyes, which are the window through which light enters into us, granting us the miracle of sight! What would become of us if we didn’t look after our eyes? How could we move forward? I hope that, during this week, each one of us will ask ourselves this thought-provoking question. Young people are the window through which the future enters the world, thus presenting us with great challenges. Our generation will show that it can realize the promise found in each young person when we know how to give them space; how to create the material and spiritual conditions for their full development; how to give them a solid basis on which to build their lives; how to guarantee their safety and their education to be everything they can be; how to pass on to them lasting values that make life worth living; how to give them a transcendent horizon for their thirst for authentic happiness and their creativity for the good; how to give them the legacy of a world worthy of human life; and how to awaken in them their greatest potential as builders of their own destiny, sharing responsibility for the future of everyone.

“God is in the Pots and Pans”– Finding God in the Domestic Church

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Catholics refer to the family as the “Domestic Church” but it would be easy to experience this as a spiritually antiseptic phrase requiring families to be perfectly peaceful, perfectly quiet (and to borrow a phrase from Mary Poppins) practically perfect in every way.

It can be hard to relate to that image of the family.  It seems too remote.  Too impossible.  Too lofty,  but it doesn’t have to be.   I think the problem is that most of us think of church in too idealized a way which makes the notion of a domestic church all the more inaccessible.  In general, we can use the word, “church” in two senses.  The first is the ideal sense of the Church as the Family of God, Body of Christ, presence of God in the world.  That’s the way most of us think of it, and that is quite a beautiful, true, and good way to view it.

But there is another sense of the word “church”.  This second sense is the more realistic, lived sense of church as a group of people who often don’t get along very well, sometimes don’t like each other very much, and usually irritate each other in a million different ways–but are all making a journey to God and sometimes managing to help each other in spite of it all!  That’s what GOD’S family looks like, so maybe you don’t have to feel so bad about yours.

We tend to want to think of the domestic church in that first sense of Church too.  We only think that God is reaching into our homes when everything is quiet and peaceful and prayerful, but I think this second sense of Church is the more realistic sense of the “Domestic Church.”  The domestic church is loud, and noisy and messy, just like the real thing, and God likes that just fine.  The Theology of the Body emphasizes that Catholicism is an incarnational faith. It is a faith that does not allow us to run away of the messiness of every day life into some antiseptic spirituality but instead challenges us to enter more deeply into the mess, just as Christ did.   This incarnational awareness of faith reminds us that God wants to use every moment–especially the messy, all-too-human-moments-to reach us with his love and grace.

Domestic Mess 0r Domestic Mass?

On More2Life Radio today, Lisa and I reflected with the Theology of the Body Institute’s Bill Donaghy on the messiness of life in the domestic church.  We explored how the domestic mess of noisy kids, and smelly diapers, and busy days, and exhausted nights is a kind of metaphorical, “domestic mass.”   The more we enter into the sacrifice of this “domestic mass” the more God’s love becomes incarnate in our homes and the more likely we experience real communion with each other and God in an authentic family life.

Our domestic church has its own smells and bells–funky laundry, clanking dishes– that, while perhaps not as pleasant as the chiming bells that call us to worship or the incense that lifts our prayers to heaven at Mass, are just as spiritually significant in their own way.  They call us to worship the incarnate God who is with us in the here and now.  St. Theresa of Avila once said, “God is in the pots and pans.”  It is that God who we experience in our messy, noisy domestic church.  It is that God we encounter in the little moments of every day life.   That God who’s grace allows us to be transformed by doing little acts of family life with great love; wiping noses, drying tears, drawing pictures,  playing games, calming fears.

We don’t need to escape our homes to find God and sanctity.  We don’t need to run away from home to pray. We need to follow Christ’s example, and empty ourselves, entering more deeply into the mystery of the domestic mess and finding the wholeness and holiness that waits for us there.

For more ideas on how to experience God in the here and now of your family life, tune in to More2Life Radio M-F  from Noon-1pm Eastern on Catholic radio, online at AveMariaRadio.net, and via our free AveMariaRadio IPhone/Android apps.

Overnight Stays Away from Mom Affect Attachment, Says Study.

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Infants who spent at least one overnight a week away from their mothers were discovered to have more insecure attachments to them compared to babies who had fewer overnights or stayed with their father only during the day, according to the study. The researchers found that 43 percent of babies with weekly overnights were insecurely attached to their mothers, compared to 16 percent with less frequent overnights.  READ MORE

Popcak in US News & World Report for “Holy Sex!”

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US News and World Report did an article on Catholic sexuality.  They cited recent studies asserting that devout Catholics are more satisfied with their sexual relationships–both in quantity and frequency–than any other group.  Imagine my happy surprise to see my book, Holy Sex!, cited in the body of the article!

The notion that Catholics have better sex isn’t a new one, especially coming from Catholics. In 1994, Andrew Greeley, a Catholic sociologist and priest, published “Sex: The Catholic Experience,” which released a litany of new statistics: 68 percent of Catholics professed to have sex at least once a week versus 56 percent of non-Catholics; 30 percent of Catholics had bought erotic underwear versus 20 percent non-Catholics; and 80 percent of devout Catholic women approved of having sex for pleasure alone.

In 2008, Gregory K. Popcak, a Catholic pastoral marriage and family counselor, released a book with a similar theme, called “Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving.”     Check out the rest of the story! 

Coming Wed on More2Life Radio: Bad Relationship Habits

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Coming WEDNESDAY on More2Life: Bad Relationship Habits–We all have them.  Little ways we take each other for granted and undermine the connection that God wants for our homes.  We’ll look at the most common bad relationship habits and how to leave them behind.

Plus, Fr. Thomas Loya from the Tabor Life Institute joins us to talk about score keeping.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about overcoming the bad relationship habits that are robbing you of opportunities for joy and closeness.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!),
~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net
~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

WIN A FREE BOOK in our SUMMER BOOK GIVEAWAY!  (Details below).

Q of the D:  (Answer one or both to win!)

1. What do you think is the most irritating “bad relationship habit” and why?

2.  When someone commits that bad relationship habit (that you wrote in response to #1), how do you respond?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held at the end of each week on More2Life Radio.

This week’s featured title is:  Beyond the Birds and the Bees:  Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids — Not just about “the talk.”  Beyond the Birds and the Bees is a book that helps parents teach their kids how to make good moral choices from toddlerhood to young adulthood.  You’ll discover practical ways to cultivate the 8 virtues your kids need to be whole and holy people and what it takes to raise kids who will make good and godly choices even when you’re not there to make sure they do.  This brand new, expanded and revised edition is even more deeply rooted in the Theology of the Body and the latest research on training “the moral brain.”  A must-read for parents who want to raise whole and holy kids.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing this Friday  July 19th.