Extravagant Affection in Marriage

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Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

Need To Be Loved 

Every human being has a God-given need to give love and feel loved in return. This desire for unity with another is a primary motivator to find a mate. 

 

If you do not feel united or connected to your spouse, or have the sense that your spouse feels that way, part of the problem could be too little affection.

 

Here are some signs that you might not be sharing enough affection in your marriage: 

-Frequently feeling lonely around your spouse

-Frequently feeling irritable towards your spouse

-Frequent miscommunications or defensiveness about deeper feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears

-Feeling you cannot share thoughts and feelings for fear of being criticized or shamed

-Often jump to negative conclusions or assumptions about your spouse or their motives 

 

When more than one of the above items is generally true for you and/or your spouse resentment can build and spouses slowly drift away from each other–they become disconnected.

 

Shared affection is one solution to these struggles.

Affection maintains a connection in good times and in bad.

The truth is we are all called to generously give of ourselves to others as Christ did for us. This is exponentially more true in our marriage. 

 

But we all love our comfort too much, and often (even without realizing it) prioritize our own comfort over the call to generously give ourselves.

 

We tend to approach loving others from the direction of how I like to love others, such as service or time together. Ultimately, this is backwards and incomplete. I need to be asking “How does my spouse want to be loved?” 

 

I might not consider myself to be an “affectionate person” or a “touchy-feely” type. But God’s call to generous self-giving outweighs our comfort. 

 

As for receiving love from my spouse, this can be, and often is, difficult when my wounds get in the way. Being receptive to love requires vulnerability and openness.

 

How often do we receive a compliment and immediately dismiss it in our mind, or even out loud? Does your spouse compliment your appearance, or tell you that you look nice, and your first reaction is “No, I don’t feel that way”?

 

If we reject or deflect when someone else expresses affection often enough, chances are they will give up trying. If I stiffen up or cringe when touched, my spouse may eventually get discouraged and stop.

 

The Benefits of Extravagant Affection

Affection establishes a link between myself and the other person on the physical, mental and even spiritual level, beginning with the body. Holding someone in a close embrace allows our heartbeats to sync together.

 

This has a calming effect on the nervous system and fosters a sense of safety and closeness in the relationship.

 

Safety and closeness reduce tension, conflict, negativity, resentment, loneliness, and fear. 

 

How often is “extravagant?”  

 

Marriage research through the Gottman Institute recommends a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

 

The 20:1 ratio is a helpful way to communicate the general guideline: start with what seems extravagant to you, and then stretch yourself to do a little bit more than that. 

 

Don’t “keep score” on this point. It’s a guideline, not another way to show your spouse how far they fall short. Focus on your own contributions to the ratio. Reject transactional thinking: “If I give her compliments then she should give me a compliment.” 

 

What qualifies as affection? 

There are three important elements: frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsiveness.

 

Frequent physical contact includes a wide range of touch: a brief touch on the shoulder, holding hands, or cuddling for long periods of time. 

 

Warm interactions are kindled through non-verbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, choice of words, gratitude and affirmations. If it is ‘warm’ it draws you towards the other person and helps you feel connected.

 

Responsiveness is how consistently we return a “bid” for our attention. Affectionate couples make eye contact with one another often when talking and also make an effort to acknowledge when their spouse says something.

 

Do you look up from your phone or the TV when your spouse starts talking to you? Do you demonstrate that you received their message?

 

Practical Tips

Golden Rule: Express affection in ways that your spouse enjoys.

 

Love list: This exercise is for both spouses. Each spouse writes a list of 25 ways that they want to be shown love in non-sexual terms. About 20 of them should be small and simple. The other 5 can be bigger or more complex. Small things might be: kiss my forehead, rub my feet, tell me “I adore you,” bring me a drink. Bigger things could be: organize a date, give me a massage, buy me a gift. After both spouses finish, exchange lists. Try to do 2-3 things on your spouse’s list daily. 

 

6 Second Rule: Once a day, when you hug or kiss your spouse, linger in it for 6+ seconds. This gives you both enough time to slow down, sync up, and melt into the affection.

 

Compliment Catch: Take turns giving each other compliments and affirmations. Be genuine, thoughtful, and sincere. Continue the activity at least until both spouses are laughing and smiling. This is a good activity for dates, during time together, or after a conflict.

 

If you would like to talk with a Pastoral Counselor, or learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC visit CatholicCounselors.com

A Simple Ritual to End Your Workday Well

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John, the Catholic CEO of a small musical instrument company, remembers the moment he realized he needed to develop healthier boundaries between his work and his home life. His 10-year-old daughter was telling him about her day at school, but although he was looking at her and trying to listen, his mind was still preoccupied with a stressful problem at work.

Finally, his daughter called him on it. “Dad, are you even listening?” He said he was, but then couldn’t tell her what she’d just been saying.

“It was clear something had to change,” he said.

His experience isn’t uncommon. In today’s always-on culture, it’s easy to let work bleed into home life: the stress of the office lingers at the dinner table, emails pull us away from family time, and unfinished tasks whisper in the back of our minds, ruining our sleep.

Most importantly, poor work/home boundaries can impact our relationship with the people who matter most in our lives.

If these challenges are present in your own life, you might be interested in a simple yet powerful ritual developed by pastoral counselor, Grant Freeman.

The Last Hour of the Workday: Preparing for Tomorrow

One of the best ways to set yourself up for a strong start tomorrow is by finishing well today, Freeman says. He recalls an old saying from his days as a roofer: “The last five minutes takes an hour.” In other words, rushing out the door without wrapping things up properly only makes for a frustrating start the next day.

Instead, he recommends using the last hour of your workday to:

  • Clean your workspace: Put away tools, clear your inbox, organize your desk, and file papers where they belong. A tidy workspace means a smooth start in the morning.
  • Review your calendar: Take an honest look at your schedule and adjust as needed. Acknowledge where you are instead of where you wish you were.
  • Plan your first tasks for tomorrow: Identify the top priorities for the next morning. What emails need to be sent? What phone calls should be made? Writing these down now clears your mind for the evening ahead.
  • Count the wins: Even on difficult days, find something to celebrate. Did you complete a tough task? Help a coworker? Simply making it to the end of a hard day is a victory.

Ending the day in this calm, ordered way not only sets you up for a great start tomorrow, but will help you be a more peaceful presence with your family.

The Transition Home: Reclaiming Your Role

Once the workday is closed, it’s time to shift into a different mindset—one of presence, love, and service to your family. Freeman suggests several ways to make this transition intentional:

  • Change your clothes: Physically changing out of your work attire and into comfortable home clothes is a simple but effective way to signal a shift in roles.
  • Wash your hands and face: This small act can serve as a moment to pause, reset, and leave behind the stress of the day.
  • Say a short prayer: Taking a moment to center yourself spiritually can help you step into your home life with a heart ready to serve.

Your prayer can be from the heart; it doesn’t need to be complicated. However, Freeman suggests praying as you change your clothes and wash your face, using words similar to the following:

  1. As you wash your hands and face, pray: “Give strength and gentleness to my hands, Lord, to bear the responsibility of my family and bring Your loving touch to them. May I look upon them with love, so that they may see Your face.”
  2. As you change your shirt, pray: “Lord, shield my heart to fend off all the assaults of the devil. O Lord, You have said, ‘My yoke is sweet and My burden light.’ Grant that I may carry it in a way that gives You glory and brings the best out of my family.”
  3. As you change your pants and put on your shoes, pray: “Lord, let me remember that I stand created in Your image and likeness, in true righteousness and holiness. May I walk in spirit and in truth.”

By taking a few moments to close the workday with intention and prepare for family life with presence, you can bring greater peace, joy, and love into your home. Your work is important, but ultimately, it is for the good of those you love. This simple ritual helps you show up fully for them—ready to listen, engage, and lead with love.

If you’d like to explore this or other areas of stress in your life, reach out to Grant Freeman or any of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

How to De-Escalate Conflict: Six Expert Tips

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Few people have had as much opportunity to practice the art of de-escalating tense situations as Ron LaGro, LSW, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

In the years since he graduated from Franciscan University at Steubenville, he has worked with homeless men in Chicago and New York, developmentally disabled foster youth with aggression issues, patients with schizophrenia both in a psychiatric hospital and in the community, and children in the child protective system in South Bend, Indiana. In fact, he has even led de-escalation training sessions.

Sooner or later, everyone finds themselves engaged with someone who has “lost it” (or is on their way to losing it)—a cranky toddler, maybe, or an angry customer. Then there’s that sibling or co-worker who is always poking at you, trying to get you riled up.

In those situations, LaGro is the guy to know. He recently explained how anyone can de-escalate conflict and restore peace in heated moments.

1. Know Your Own Triggers

Some of the most important de-escalation work needs to happen long before you find yourself in a tense situation, LaGro says.

“A big part of de-escalation is recognizing our own triggers,” he explained. “If we don’t understand what sets us off, we won’t be able to stay calm when someone else is losing control.”

Before stepping into a difficult situation, take stock of your own emotional vulnerabilities. What comments or behaviors make you defensive? What wounds from your past might flare up in an argument? Understanding these triggers ahead of time allows us to respond with grace rather than reactivity. Regular prayer practices—such as the daily examen, meditation, or the sacrament of reconciliation—can help bring deeper self-awareness and peace.

LaGro shared an example of working with a client who frequently hurled personal insults at him.

“He would just take shots at me, trying to get a reaction,” he recalled. “But because I was already at peace with those things, I wasn’t thrown off balance.”

Being self-aware doesn’t mean ignoring hurtful words; it means preparing ourselves so that we don’t react emotionally in a way that escalates the conflict. Instead, we can respond from a place of stability.

2. Stay in Your “Adult Mindset”

LaGro distinguishes between an “adult mindset” and a “child mindset” in conflict.

“As we get more emotionally heated, we slip into a child mindset where we see the other person as a threat,” he explained. “That’s when we either lash out or shut down.”

Using the “emotional thermometer” concept promoted by the Pastoral Solutions Institute—mentally assessing whether we are at a calm 3 or a raging 8—can help us step back before we react poorly. If you notice yourself getting too worked up, take a deep breath and pray for God’s help to calm down. If needed, step away until you can re-engage calmly.

3. Respond Calmly

When someone is angry, our instinct may be to match their volume or intensity. But shouting over someone rarely calms them down—it usually escalates the situation.

LaGro had plenty of experience with this principle at the psychiatric hospital. “If someone comes off an elevator screaming and I respond by yelling, ‘You need to calm down!’ it just escalates the situation,” he said. “Instead, speaking calmly, lowering our volume, and having nonaggressive body posture can send the message: I am not a threat.”

Saying the person’s name in a gentle tone, acknowledging their emotion (“You seem really upset”), and avoiding aggressive body language can help de-escalate their response.

4. Recognize the Other as a Person, Not an Opponent

When someone is upset, it’s easy to see them as an enemy to defeat rather than a person in distress. But our Catholic faith teaches us that every person is made in the image of God and deserves dignity—even in their worst moments.

“If I view someone as an opponent or someone to control, my body language and tone will reflect that,” Ron said. “But if I remind myself that they are another hurting person, just like me, I can approach the situation with empathy instead of defensiveness.”

LaGro doesn’t tell people to just “be empathetic.” Instead, he suggests asking yourself more concrete questions: What is this person going through? Recognizing that the other person is hurting, confused, or in need of help—in other words, seeing the situation through their eyes—makes it much easier to actually help them.

5. Show You Understand the Other’s Situation

Have you ever had a friendly conversation about politics or faith suddenly escalate to the point where voices are raised and people are talking over one another? One challenge in de-escalation is responding to someone who is saying things that we find disagreeable, irrational, or even offensive. In these situations, how do we de-escalate without implying our agreement or acceptance of objectionable statements?

The key, LaGro said, is trying to understand where people are coming from.

For example, if someone claims, “The university administration is controlled by aliens!” instead of arguing, you might say, “Wow, that sounds really scary. What makes you think that?” By showing curiosity instead of immediate dismissal, you keep the conversation from escalating while still maintaining reality.

“If I skip (asking) What’s this person going through? then I can’t help navigate that experience for them and I can’t help them de-escalate,” LaGro said. “If it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your co-worker that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your kid that’s crying because they didn’t get the ice cream cone, they want to feel understood: ‘You really want that ice cream cone! I love ice cream cones, too, so I totally get it.’ We’re meeting them where they’re at.”

Trying to understand someone isn’t the same as agreeing with them, LaGro points out. Only once people feel we understand where they’re coming from can we begin to help them navigate and de-escalate their situation.

6. Know When to Walk Away

While de-escalation is often effective, there are times when it’s best to just disengage.

“If someone picks up a lamp and starts swinging it, you don’t try to talk them down—you get to safety,” LaGro emphasized. “There are moments where your priority has to be self-protection.”

If someone is physically aggressive, verbally abusive, or completely irrational, the best option might be to step away and seek help. De-escalation is a skill, but it’s not always the right tool for every situation.

De-Escalation: A Win-Win Strategy

Jesus’ call to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44) can seem like a tall order, but the steps LaGro outlines for de-escalating conflict offer a good place to start. By examining our own triggers, trying to understand the other’s perspective, and responding to provocations calmly, we actively choose the good of someone who might be making life difficult for us.

And as a happy bonus, responding in this way is very likely to de-escalate tense situations, making it easier to bring conflict to a happy ending for both people.

For more personalized guidance in managing conflict, consider reaching out to Ron LaGro or another pastoral counselor at the Pastoral Solutions Institute today.

How to Have Healthy Conflict That Improves Your Relationships

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Conflict often gets a bad rap. Many of us grow up thinking it’s best to avoid it—especially with those we love.

But conflict—that is, a disagreement between two people about priorities, values, and goals—is an inevitable part of human relationships. And according to Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, conflict doesn’t have to be something we fear. In fact, when handled well, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, fostering growth and mutual respect.

“Conflict is not a bad thing,” Kolodziej says. “It actually is beneficial and healthy for families and for couples.”

Avoiding conflict, he adds, ultimately hurts relationships, letting problems fester instead of being addressed.

 

Keys to Creative, Constructive, Respectful Conflict

How can we approach conflict in ways that help us grow and strengthen our relationships? Kolodziej suggests several strategies.

Reframe Conflict as a Team Challenge

For many people, the words “conflict” and “fight” are nearly synonymous: conflict is seen as a contest in which there is a high risk of getting hurt, and which is resolved when one person “wins” and the other “loses.”

But Kolodziej suggests seeing conflict as a challenge two people can tackle together, an exercise in teamwork. In this problem-solving approach, “the relationship is more important than being right,” he says.

 

Focus on High-Impact Problems

Choosing which conflicts to put time and energy into is also key; you don’t necessarily want to spend a lot of time on low-impact differences, like what show to watch or where to eat.

“We need to look at what is impacting our relationship the most?” Kolodziej says. He suggests prioritizing issues that are undermining the relationship or causing you to sin. Notice your emotions—if an issue causes regret, resentment, or anxiety, it’s likely a conflict worth addressing.

 

Clarify Each Person’s Wants or Needs

Conflict often arises when one or both people feel their needs aren’t met. Kolodziej suggests beginning by identifying and clearly communicating those needs on both sides.

“And then we look at the gap between what that person needs and what I need, and we try to triangulate it (to find) a way that we can both get our needs met,” Kolodziej says.

If each side’s needs or wants aren’t clearly identified, the conversation can hit a snag. Kolodziej often asks his clients to define what they need, but many struggle with this. For example, someone might say, “I need my spouse to be nice to me,” but when Kolodziej follows up to ask what “nice” looks like more specifically, they can’t say.

Clarity is essential. “You’ll never satisfy someone’s needs until they know what they need,” Kolodziej explains. But if the person is able to name what “nice” looks like, “then all of a sudden it becomes real and it becomes achievable.”

 

Avoid the Landmines of Contempt and Defensiveness

Kolodziej identifies two “landmines” that can sink constructive relationship problem-solving.

One is contempt, which Kolodziej says is “the one behavior that destroys relationships faster than anything else.” It is okay to criticize someone for what they have done (“You leave all the chores for me to do”), but attacking someone’s character (“You’re lazy and selfish”) crosses over into contempt.

If you are on the receiving end of the other person’s contempt, Kolodziej suggests responding with these powerful words: “If you’re trying to hurt me, it’s working.” 

Ideally, that will reset the conversation. But if it doesn’t, it might be time to walk away from the conversation, at least for a while.

The other landmine is being overly defensive when it would be more appropriate to take responsibility for your actions.

“Defensiveness is probably one of the greatest contributors to not resolving conflicts,” Kolodziej says. “As soon as we justify (our actions), then we’re basically saying, ‘I’m not guilty. I did it, but the devil made me do it.’ Or: ‘I did it because you did this first and I’m just getting even with you.’”

A more effective response to a legitimate complaint is to take ownership of your role: “You can say, ‘I did this part or that part, you have every right to be upset with me.’ No ‘if,’ ‘and,’ or ‘but,’ just simply, ‘Yeah, I did it.’”

Monitor Your “Emotional Temperature”

Watch your “emotional temperature” during conflict. Dr. Greg Popcak, Kolodziej’s colleague, developed an “emotional thermometer” that uses a scale of 1 to 10 to gauge emotional intensity. If your emotional temperature hits 8 or higher, Kolodziej recommends a break, with a commitment to reconvene later when emotions have cooled.

 

An Investment in Relationship

Most conflicts can be resolved when both parties respect these ground rules, Kolodziej says, although some conflicts—like one partner wanting children and the other not—may not have a win-win resolution. In these cases, couples must decide whether the relationship is more valuable than the unresolved issue. And if the other person values “winning” over the relationship, it might be time to set boundaries, Kolodziej advises: “If the person is toxic, if they keep attacking and won’t change their behaviors, maybe that’s a relationship that’s best not to continue–at least not in the same way.”

Overall, though, entering conflicts with a creative, cooperative attitude can lead to greater love and connection between two people.

“Every conflict that you have, you invest in that relationship,” he says. “People who have no conflicts and then all of a sudden have one, that might destroy them. But people who are frequently resolving conflicts respectfully are building a relationship that is very, very tight, that is indestructible.”

If you need more help with a conflict in your life, head over to the bookstore at CatholicCounselors.com, where you will find many books on this topic. Or connect with Mark Kolodziej or another pastoral counselor by reaching out to CatholicCounselors.com.

Going On A Bear Hunt–Understanding The Relationship Between Prayer and Powerful Emotions

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Whether trauma, depression, anxiety, anger, or other strong feelings are causing us problems, turning to God in prayer is always a good idea. After all, God loves us and always wants to help us become more fully alive—more fully ourselves.

But in order to really benefit from prayer, we must “also learn how to pray,” as the Catechism of the Catholic Church says (#2650). It’s no wonder the Catechism spends more than three hundred paragraphs on the topic of how to pray.

When it comes to mental health, one trap that people sometimes fall into is treating prayer as a way to avoid the strong feelings that come with a crisis, according to Jacob Flores-Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com.

“An unhealthy relationship to prayer says, ‘Help me climb up above this thing,’” Flores-Popcak said in a recent interview. Underlying that impulse is often the assumption that “spiritual things are higher than these base, awful, physical things like feelings.”

But the view that physical things—and by extension, our emotions—are to be shunned or avoided simply isn’t Catholic, Flores-Popcak said. In fact, this attempt to detach from embodied feelings is more in line with Buddhism or, within the Christian tradition, the old dualistic heresy known as Manichaeism.

The Christian tradition says that feelings are given to us by God for a reason, Popcak said: in fact, they are invitations to go deeper.

“There is no point at which any character, any person in scripture just prays a feeling away,” Flores-Popcak explained. On the contrary, the Bible is full of people who openly embraced their feelings. Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus, for example, and expressed his anxiety openly to his Father in the Garden of Gethsemane.

“Feelings are meant to help us bond with other people and they’re meant to help us get certain needs met,” Flores-Popcak explained. “So to pray away a feeling is to pray away an opportunity for connection, and it’s to pray away a need.”

He continued: “God gives us our needs, and God calls us to relationships. Both of those things are, at their core, godly things. If I’m trying to just get rid of that, it’s gonna end up feeling like I’m just repressing the feeling, and it’s just going to come raging back later.”

It’s like the children’s song, “Going on a Bear Hunt,” Flores-Popcak said, in which the hunters come to an insurmountable mountain that blocks the path forward: “The refrain of that song is, ‘Can’t go around it, can’t go over it—gotta go through it.’ We’ve gotta go into that tunnel, into that bear’s den.”

Similarly, prayer is not meant to help us go “over” or “around” our feelings of anguish, anxiety, or sadness. “Prayer is supposed to help me go deeper into it, to find the truth at the center of it, or even on the other side,” Flores-Popcak said. In the Catholic mystical tradition, every challenge is “an opportunity to go deeper into my knowledge of myself, deeper into my knowledge of Christ, and deeper in relationship with other people.”

What does this look like? Instead of trying to pray away your feelings, try praying with these questions:

  1. “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this feeling?”
  2. “How do you want me to respond to the need at the center of this feeling?”
  3. “How do you want me to grow closer to you and to the people around me as a result of experiencing this feeling?”

Such questions align with the example of spiritual masters such as St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Teresa of Avila, and others, all of whom advise that instead of running away from feelings we’d rather not be experiencing, we ought to plunge deeper into their depths, accompanied by Christ and supported by friends—so that we can emerge stronger and more connected to God, ourselves, and the people around us.

If you need help managing your mental health and want to do so in a way that draws on your Catholic faith, reach out to Jacob Flores-Popcak or any of the other Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Don’t Reject Your Anxiety; Nurture a Better Relationship With It Instead

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You think you want to get rid of your anxiety—after all, it takes over your brain and floods your body with stress hormones that don’t do much but make you miserable.

But do you really want to get rid of it? When push comes to shove, the idea of getting rid of your anxiety might just…well, make you anxious.

Jacob Flores-Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, often runs into this problem with new clients.

“Despite the fact that they are ostensibly coming to me for help decreasing their anxiety, they’ll often be very, very resistant to switching anything up,” Flores-Popcak said in a recent interview. The reason they often give? They can’t imagine how they could get along without their anxiety to keep them going.

“And so there becomes this horrible Catch-22 that people live with where they would really, really like to not be anxious anymore,” Flores-Popcak continued. “But when it comes right down to it, they don’t know how they’d get anything done, how they’d be in relationship with anybody, or how they’d keep themselves safe without anxiety to motivate them.”

When clients run into this roadblock, Flores-Popcak often invites them to reframe their thinking with a little help from the 2001 children’s movie Shrek.

Anxiety, the Overworked Sidekick

In the movie, an ogre named Shrek sets out on a quest, begrudgingly accompanied by an annoyingly talkative, overly helpful Donkey.

Anxiety, Jacob says, is like Donkey—or any number of other over-eager sidekicks from popular animated movies: “These sidekicks are always depicted as being very loving; they want what is best for the hero,” Flores-Popcak said. “But often, the ways that they attempt to help are kind of destructive. They mean well, but they are fallible and can get messy.”

On one hand, people suffering from constant anxiety may loathe this sidekick (much like Shrek trying to shake off Donkey in the early part of the movie). On the other hand, they rely on it for so much—getting out of bed in the morning, getting kids ready for school, managing household finances—that it can be difficult to imagine another mode for getting those things done. In this way, they can end up responding to their anxiety the way Shrek does later in the film, doing whatever Donkey tells him without questioning and suffering hijinks as a result.

“We often swing back and forth between treating anxiety as an antagonist in our story and then, on the other hand, doing whatever it tells us,” Flores-Popcak said. “But that attitude is really unfair to anxiety, poor little sidekick that he is, because guess what? He’s not a bad guy. He’s actually just like any of these other parts of me—another sidekick that’s trying to help me out. He has a job within me. For instance, if a bear is chasing me, anxiety can be a very helpful and effective survival mechanism. So anxiety certainly has its due place. But he can get overburdened.”

To put it in the language of faith, God gave us anxiety and all the physiological responses that come with it to help us out in certain situations. But habitually deploying anxiety to handle even the ordinary tasks of everyday life isn’t healthy, Flores-Popcak said.

The solution isn’t to fear and loathe our anxiety, he said, because when we do that, we’re really rejecting an essential, God-given part of ourselves. Rather, the better approach is to begin “re-assigning” the jobs that we habitually give to anxiety.

“To make progress in our experience of anxiety, we need to recognize that anxiety does not need to be my exclusive motivation for all those things,” he said. “I can wake up in the morning, and sure, I can feel anxious, and that can get me out of bed—or, I can wake up in the morning and I can challenge myself, ‘What would be a love-based reason for getting out of bed?’ And instead of just immediately giving into the kind of knee-jerk instinctual anxiety that hits me the second I open my eyes, let me take a deep breath and challenge myself to imagine a love-based reason to get out of bed in the morning.”

Similarly, when anxiety begins to assert its annoying self throughout the day (like Donkey’s constant chatter), consider pausing to take a deep breath, asking yourself: “Hey, what if I didn’t outsource this thing I’m worried about to my anxiety sidekick? What if I gave this concern to another part of me to handle? How would that feel different?”

Breaking the Habit of Anxiety

When people are reluctant to give up their anxiety because it’s the only way they know to get things done, reframing the situation in the way Flores-Popcak suggests can help overcome that mental roadblock.

But it’s no magic bullet, he said: “Just realizing, ‘Oh, huh, I can do all the things that I’m already doing, but for a love reason as opposed to a fear reason, and I won’t be anxious anymore’—no one’s going to hear that and just magically change.”

Instead, it takes time to build a new, healthier habit: slowing down enough to question the automatic anxiety response, then intentionally choosing a different response instead, and then actually carrying out that choice as an act of one’s will.

Someone has to make that choice over and over many times before it becomes habitual, Flores-Popcak said—a process that is often supported with other approaches during therapy.

But the effort is always worth it, he said, because it allows people to enter into a healthier relationship with themselves (including their “anxiety sidekick”) and with others. “It allows the actions that I take in regard to my co-workers, my friends, my kids, and my spouse to be more effective because they no longer feel that I’m coming at them with a giant fear gun,” he said. “Instead, I’m coming at them with a loving spirit.”

In the end, this allows us to arrive at the same point with our anxiety that Shrek arrives at in regards to Donkey: no longer resenting or repressing our “sidekick” as an unwanted intruder or antagonist, nor letting him control everything for us, but instead welcoming him as a well-intentioned sidekick who can be taken with a grain of salt.

For more about tackling anxiety, check out Unworried: A Life without Anxiety by Dr. Gregory Popcak. And for one-on-one pastoral counseling help from Jacob Flores-Popcak or another Catholic counselor, reach out at CatholicCounselors.com.

After Trauma, EMDR Therapy Offers Hope for Healing

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“Lucy” is 62 years old, but she is still haunted by the physical and psychological abuse she experienced as a child. Although decades have passed, Lucy continues to experience anxiety, periods of deep depression, panic attacks, and other symptoms.

Most of us will experience a traumatic event at some point in our lives. The U.S. Center for PTSD defines trauma as “a shocking and dangerous event that you see or that happens to you” in which “you think that your life or others’ lives are in danger.” Anyone can experience trauma at any age, and for a wide variety of reasons: bullying at school, a car accident, or conflict with a spouse or acquaintance, for example.

Often, people are able to heal following traumatic events. But in some cases, for reasons that aren’t entirely understood, the traumatic memory gets “walled off,” making it difficult to process—and heal. In this case, the trauma can persist for years or even decades.

God Wants Our Healing

But that isn’t what God wants for us, says Dr. Mark Kolodziej, a certified traumatologist with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

“God wants us all to enjoy our lives,” he said in a recent interview. He tells new patients who suffer from past traumas that whatever happened to them was not their fault, nor was it a punishment from God, nor do they need to carry the pain to be “good” Christians. “God doesn’t want us to be stuck in this negative place in our lives.”

With God’s help and a cooperative attitude, most individuals suffering from trauma do get better. But it doesn’t “just happen,” Kolodziej said. “Time doesn’t heal anything,” he said. “It’s what you do in that time that’s going to heal things.”

And with the advent of a relatively new type of therapy, healing can be achieved fairly quickly—sometimes, in just a few sessions, he said.

EMDR Therapy: Breaking Down Walls

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a specialized form of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) designed to help individuals process and heal from traumatic memories. Developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro in 1989, EMDR emerged from a theory that the brain processes and stores traumatic memories differently from normal memories. This difference can cause these memories to become walled off from the rest of the brain, leading to ongoing psychological and emotional distress.

During a traumatic event, the brain’s usual networking of memories and sensory experiences can go “offline,” leaving these memories unprocessed. This unprocessed trauma can manifest in various forms, such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other trauma-related conditions. The goal of EMDR is to help the brain reprocess these traumatic memories so that they no longer exert a harmful influence on a person’s life.

EMDR therapy does not require the patient to discuss the traumatic event in detail. Instead, the therapy leverages the brain’s capacity to reprocess memories through bilateral stimulation, most commonly achieved through guided eye movements, though other methods like tapping or auditory stimuli—first on one side of the body, then on the other—can also be used.

At the beginning of an EMDR session, Dr. Kolodziej asks the individual to identify a negative thought or emotion that is bothering them, such as anxiety or shame. Then he asks the person to complete a sentence associated with that negative feeling: “I am….”

“And the person will often say, ‘I am a loser,’ ‘I am afraid,’ ‘I am worthless.’ So that is your negative thought,” he said.

Then he asks the person to “float back” in their memory to the point in their life when those negative thoughts started, or to their worst instances. That’s the starting point for reprocessing the traumatic memory.

Next, he asks the person to identify a positive thought they would rather have associated with that feeling. “So right now your negative cognition is ‘I’m not worthwhile.’ ‘I’m a loser,’ right? So what would you like to change that to?” he said. “And they might say, ‘I have a lot to offer’ or ‘I am valuable’ or ‘I am strong.’ Okay, so that’s what you’d like to get to…. So now let’s let your brain work.”

This is where the “bilateral stimulation” comes in. For 20 to 30 seconds, the person follows Kolodziej’s finger without moving their head as he moves it across their field of vision, from left to right and back again several times. This stimulates the right side of the brain, then the left side of the brain, allowing it to more effectively reprocess the traumatic memory—breaking through the protective wall.

During bilateral stimulation, the person lets their thoughts flow in whatever direction seems best. The person might go into more detail about their trauma, or they might go to a completely different place. In either case, by bringing in new thoughts, “they’re reprocessing what happened and coming up with ways of being able to deal with it and cope with it,” Kolodziej said.

At the end of the bilateral stimulation, he asks the person what they are thinking or feeling. Then the whole process starts over again: naming the negative thought, the positive “replacement” thought, and the bilateral stimulation.

“They come up with another thought, and another thought, and another thought,” Kolodziej said. “I’ll have no idea where the thought process is gonna go, but what’s happening as they’re going from one thought to the next thought to the next thought, is they’re no longer stuck.”

‘Healing Can Absolutely Happen’

Over time, as the person’s brain continues to reprocess the memory, the emotional intensity associated with it diminishes. Kolodziej describes this as moving from the stage of having a “wound” to having a “scar”—a memory that no longer hijacks the present and is instead a part of the past.

EMDR is not the only way to address trauma; in certain situations, it may not even be the most appropriate method. But EMDR therapy has been widely embraced by mainstream health organizations, including the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, and the World Health Organization (WHO).

Whatever approach people take, Kolodziej said the most important step is to have hope that healing is possible. For those who doubt, Kolodziej offers a message of encouragement: “What if you could heal? What would that look like for you? There are so many people who have suffered like you and have found peace. With God at the helm, healing can absolutely happen.”

If you are dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic event, you can connect with Dr. Mark Kolodziej or Anne Brunette–who are both certified in EMDR–or another one of the licensed Catholic therapists at CatholicCounselors.com.

Three Powerful, God-Given Anxiety-Busting Tools Anyone Can Use

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God never promised anyone a stress-free life, but he did give us some powerful strategies for handling it.

For Christians, prayer is a first line of defense, leading us to rely on God and trust in his care for us. But we are not purely spiritual creatures; God gave us bodies, too, and he equipped our bodies with some natural anxiety-busting defenses.

Counterintuitively, the first step in combating anxiety isn’t attacking whatever external stressor that’s causing it. Instead, the first step is boosting our bodies’ natural capacity to fight stress. By engaging our body’s natural defenses, the problem-solving part of our brain has the room it needs to come up with effective strategies for dealing with the external problem(s) causing our anxiety.

Here are three ways to boost your body’s natural stress-busting defenses. You have probably already heard about the importance of sleep, exercise, and nutrition for fighting anxiety. These practices aren’t exactly groundbreaking, but a wealth of research continues to support their importance. 

1. Sleep: Time for Healing Your Worried Brain

Quality sleep is essential for maintaining good mental health. According to the National Sleep Foundation, adults need between seven and nine hours of sleep each night to fully recharge and restore their body’s natural stress-fighting abilities. When we’re well-rested, our bodies produce hormones that heal tissue damage and reduce cortisol levels, the stress hormone that can wreak havoc on our mental state. In the deepest stages of sleep, our brains integrate learning and memory, helping us adapt to stress more effectively.

To promote healthy sleep, try establishing a regular bedtime routine. Reflect and journal about the day’s events, avoid caffeine before bed, and stop work at least an hour before hitting the hay. Engaging in light exercise, creating a cool and dark sleep environment, and avoiding clock-watching can also help. And a study by Baylor University found that writing out a to-do list for the next day can significantly speed up the time it takes to fall asleep, easing the anxious mind.

Prayer can be a powerful way to wind down before sleep, too. Instead of fighting drowsiness, bring your concerns to God and rest in His love. Focus on your breathing and remember that each breath is a gift from Him. As you exhale, silently say, “Jesus, I trust in You,” and let yourself drift off in the arms of the God who cares for you.

Exercise: Strengthening Body and Mind

We often hear that exercise is good for our physical health, but its benefits for mental health are just as significant. According to researchers at the Mayo Clinic, exercise helps fight anxiety by producing endorphins, the body’s natural opioids that create a sense of well-being. Aerobic exercise, in particular, facilitates the creation of new nerve cells in the hippocampus, a brain structure crucial for managing stress and emotions.

You don’t need to spend hours at the gym to reap the benefits of exercise. The American College of Sports Medicine recommends high-intensity interval training (HIIT), which involves short bursts of vigorous activity followed by brief periods of rest. This type of exercise can be completed in just seven minutes a day and has been shown to produce molecular changes in muscles similar to those produced by several hours of biking or running.

You can pray as you exercise, too, telling God about your challenges and entrusting them to his providence, or thanking God for the abilities of your body as you exercise. 

Nutrition: Fueling Your Body and Mind

Finally, don’t overlook the important role of nutrition. Healthy foods and certain dietary supplements can be powerful medication for your body and mind.

A balanced diet rich in essential nutrients helps reduce anxiety and improves overall well-being. Foods high in magnesium (like leafy greens, legumes, and nuts), zinc (such as oysters, cashews, and beef), probiotics (found in yogurt, sauerkraut, and pickles), and B vitamins (from avocados and almonds) support the production of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. These neurotransmitters play a crucial role in regulating mood and reducing stress.

In addition to a healthy diet, certain supplements have been shown to be effective in fighting anxiety. Valerian root, rhodiola, lemon balm, passionflower, ginkgo biloba, and chamomile are recommended by the American Psychiatric Association’s Task Force on Complementary and Integrative Medicine for their anxiety-reducing properties. Lavender oil capsules have even been found to be as effective as the prescription anti-anxiety drug lorazepam, without the sedative side effects and risk of dependence.

Think of food and supplements as tools provided by God to help us maintain our mental and physical health. By eating responsibly and using natural treatments where possible, we can strengthen our body’s stress-fighting abilities and manage daily stressors more gracefully. 

This article is adapted from Dr. Gregory Popcak’s book, Unworried: A Life Without Anxiety. Check out the book for a more in-depth discussion of these practices, as well as other ways of harnessing your body’s natural stress-busting defenses. And if you’re looking for more one-on-one help dealing with anxiety, or managing challenges, get in touch with a licensed therapist at CatholicCounselors.com.

How To Raise The Dead

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Guest post by Jacob Francisco M.A., LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com


There is an emotion that can kill, and that emotion is called shame. Shame is the sense that deep down inside, at the very core of who we are, we are unlovable, unworthy, broken beyond repair, or otherwise bad. This feeling is something we are all familiar with going all the way back to the garden of Eden. For some of us, this shame seems to kill a part of us. We may describe ourselves as feeling “dead inside” or talk about the skeletons in our closet. Another common description is feeling numb all the time. 

Shame feels repulsive or ugly, like something dead, and we do not want to think about it or anyone else to know about it. It’s a natural impulse to bury something that is dead. We do this in the physical world and we do this emotionally. So we toss it in a hole and throw heavy stones on top to keep it buried. We medicate our self-loathing or despair with things that make us feel better in the moment; food, TV, social media, substances, pornography or other sexual behaviors, oversleeping, overworking. The list is endless. Sometimes the thing we use to bury the shame is even more of what we are ashamed of, and so the cycle continues around and around. Oftentimes we are able to numb out the shame to the point that we rarely consider it consciously anymore. We may deny that we have any shame at all. This dead part of us that we have now buried is a festering, rotting, thing that poisons the other parts of us. It spreads like a plague into many areas of our life, warping our thoughts and emotions into twisted half-truths that trap us in despair or suffering. 

Christ came to raise the dead in all senses of that phrase. He came that you may have life, and have it to the full. When Lazarus had died and Jesus went to Bethany, Martha and Mary asked Jesus for a miracle. In response to this request He says, “Take away the stone.” In other words, Jesus requires an act of faith. He requires that they work for what they pray for. Jesus is the only one who can do this and He requires that we clear the way.

 Here are a few steps to do just that:

  1. Identify the stone. What are the stones I have piled up over my shame? What sinful or unhealthy behaviors do I feel stuck in or powerless to change?
  2. Work for the miracle. I must do what is in my power to grow and become more healthy. I must act before I feel better. I need to cut away sinful behavior from my life. I must act contrary to my unhealthy urges and desires.
  3. Seek help. Big stones rolled in front of tombs are heavy! You will need help from someone trustworthy, mature, and/or professional. Start asking the Lord for the faith you need to believe He can raise the dead.
  4. Tell your story. Shame is like mold. It grows where it is dark and cool and hidden. Share your story with a trusted person. Let the light and the heat into that tomb. 
  5. Have faith and courage. Do what is within your power, and God will do what is within His. Your faith can raise the dead.

If you would like more resources or support to work through shame or other difficult emotions, reach out to a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Paralyzed by Powerful Emotions? Here’s How to Break Free

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Have you ever been so overwhelmed by your emotions, it was next to impossible to take action to solve your problems?

If so, you’re not alone. This “emotional paralysis” is one of the most common problems that Judi Phillips, MS, LMHC, sees in her counseling practice.

“This is something I talk about with my clients all the time,” Phillips said. But she tells her clients that no matter how stuck or trapped they feel, “there is always something you can do; there is always a way forward.”

During a recent conversation, Phillips, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute, outlined exactly how she helps her clients get off the emotional treadmill so they can take practical steps to move forward.

 

Recognizing Emotional Paralysis

Anxiety is one of the most common ways that people get paralyzed by their emotions—in this case, fear and worry. But the problem can crop up in other contexts, too. College students might feel so overwhelmed by everything they have to do (especially at the end of the semester), they don’t even know where to begin.

Emotional paralysis shows up in relationships, too.

When Phillips does marriage counseling, for instance, her clients often want to begin by describing the problem they’re having with their spouse. But it is usually fruitless to address the surface-level conflict without first addressing what’s going on inside each person: guilt, anger, sadness, grief, and so on.

“I say to them, ‘Okay, I understand. But let’s go back to what’s going on within you. You know, what are you feeling?” she said. “What do you have to do to help yourself so that you can effectively communicate to the other person?  You know, if you’re angry or sad or overwhelmed or whatever it is, you have to first acknowledge that, because if you’re not able to acknowledge that, you’re going to continue to put the problem out there on (the other person). And you’re going to continue to spin around and feel powerless. And that’s not at all where God intends us to be.”

 

God Gave Us the Tools We Need to Move Forward

The fact that God doesn’t want us to get trapped by our emotions is revealed in Scripture, of course, but also in the Theology of the Body. (The Theology of the Body is based on a series of lectures given by Pope John Paul II that explored how God’s design of the human body reveals his purpose for us.)

Phillips said that the dual functionality of our brain—its emotional side and its reasoning side—demonstrates that while God intends for us to experience emotions, he doesn’t want us to be held hostage by them. The brain’s very design allows us to use our intellect, will, and reason to understand and manage our emotions.

Consciously naming what we are feeling enables us to begin addressing them, taking concrete steps that will move us toward the way we would prefer to feel.

People who are trapped by their emotional state often believe that once they feel differently, they will be able to take action to address their problems, Phillips said. “We say something like, ‘If I only felt…, then I would….’ But the truth is, we have to act first, and then the healthy feeling will follow.”

 

3 Steps for Breaking Free and Taking Action

Here are the three steps Phillips uses to guide clients from emotional turmoil to empowerment:

  1.       Identify your feelings. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” This step is crucial for acknowledging your current emotional state. At the same time, you can also name how you would prefer to be feeling.

“You’re honoring yourself in the way that God created you,” Phillips said. “And when you do that, you’re able to get more clarity about what is going on.”

To take the college student example, you might say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious because I have so much to do, I don’t know where to begin, and I am afraid I won’t get everything done on time.”

Bonus points if you write this down: the act of writing engages the brain more holistically.

  1.       Understand the cause. Ask, “What is it that’s causing this feeling?” Only by identifying the real-world cause(s) of your negative emotions can you begin to take steps to address those causes.

Continuing with our college student example, you might sit down and write out every single thing you have to do by the end of the semester.

  1.       Take action. This step has two parts:
  2.       First, figure out what you need to do to regulate your out-of-control emotions. There are many ways to do this, but one method Phillips likes involves listening to the rosary sung in Gregorian chant; the rhythm of the chant helps to re-tune our own internal rhythm, she said.
  3.       Make a plan, then act. Finally, ask, “What steps can I take to help me feel better?” Identify what specific actions you can take to move you toward your preferred emotional state. The college student, for example, might create a calendar or schedule that lists how she will tackle the tasks she needs to get done.

Phillips asks her clients who suffer from anxiety to write out all their worst-case scenarios. Then, she has them write down a plan naming how they would respond in each situation.

 

A Spiritual Practice to Boost Your Well-Being

Anyone who is familiar with the spiritual practice of the daily examen, also known as the Ignatian examen, might recognize some similarities between the method described by Phillips and the examen.

Like the examen, Phillips recommends checking in with yourself several times a day. As a spiritual practice, this works just as well with positive emotions.

“If I’ve been out in nature, walking, and it’s just a beautiful day, and I ask myself that question, ‘How am I feeling right now? I’m feeling really joyful.’ And what is it that’s causing that? The beauty of nature.

“Then: ‘What can I do to help myself?’ Well, there isn’t anything I really need to do to help myself, but I’m just going to acknowledge it, and by acknowledging it, I’m honoring myself in the way God created me to be.

“And then, thirdly, ‘What do I need to do about this?’ I don’t need to do anything other than offer a prayer of thanksgiving to God. I’m going to just acknowledge it, appreciate it, and thank God for the beauty of his creation.”

Incorporating this practice into your daily routine can significantly enhance your mental health and quality of life. Phillips notes that her clients who consistently apply these steps quickly gain self-awareness and change the way they tackle the problems life throws their way.

“It’s life changing,” Phillips said, “because you realize, first of all, I can always understand myself. Secondly, because of that, I can always find a way forward.”

If you would like more help with this or another mental health topics, reach out to Judi Phillips or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.