Resolving Sexual Conflict–A Spiritual Response

Posted on April 30, 2015 by GREG

Research shows that about 80% of couples experience some degree of conflict related to mismatched sexual desire. Some couples manage this mismatched desire well while, for others, differences in desire can become a huge marital issue. What separates between these two groups?

Libido Not the Cause of Conflict

It turns out that mismatched sexual desire may, by itself, not be necessary contributor to marital conflict. New research suggests that it is the couple’s response to mismatched desire that matters more than the discrepancy in libido itself. Specifically, couples who demonstrate what researchers call, “sexual communal strength” find ways to resolve this mismatch peacefully. Sexual communal strength is defined by both a deep generosity and respect between the partners around sexual issues. When couples display this quality, the partners delight in making each other happy and tend to be willing to make at least small sacrifices to their own comfort levels to facilitate their partner’s happiness. But, because that sacrifice comes from a genuine, as opposed to grudging, place the sacrifice actually contributes to the happiness of BOTH partners. According to the researchers….

People who are high in sexual communal strength—those who are motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs without the expectation of immediate reciprocation—were less concerned with the negatives of having sex — such as feeling tired the next day. Instead, these communal people were more focused on the benefits to their partner of engaging in sex, such as making their partner feel loved and desired. In turn, these motivations led the communal people to be more likely to engage in sex with their partner in these situations and also led to both partners feeling more satisfied with their sex life and relationship. This means that even though they engaged in sex to meet their partner’s needs, they reaped important benefits for themselves. In fact, communal people maintained feelings of satisfaction even in these desire discrepant situations.

Generosity NOT Resentment/Coercion

Of course, that doesn’t mean that couples who exhibit sexual communal strength are just doormats who can’t set limits or never say “no” to their partner. Again, the researchers note…

It is very important, however, that this motivation to meet a partner’s needs comes from a place of agency, where people feel that they are able to meet their partner’s needs, and a delight in seeing ones partner happy. Situations that involve coercion or where a person ignores their own needs in the process (termed unmitigated communion) do not lead to the same benefits. In fact, an important part of communal relationships is that both partners are attuned to and responsive to each other’s needs. At times this may also mean understanding and accepting a partner’s need to not to engage in sex.

In other words, sexual communal strength is a shared virtue where both the husband and the wife work hard to be sensitive to each other’s needs and, by virtue of a kind of unconscious relationship algorithm of mutual generosity, are able to intuit who has the greater need and the greater emotional resources to respond to that need. Any one exchange between a couple where one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t could, in fact, go either way, but because both husband and wife are convinced of this underlying generosity and mutual respect, they are content to know that all of their separate needs will eventually be attended to. That makes it possible to make a “safe” sacrifice in the present moment.

Holy Sex and Self-Donation

In my book, Holy Sex! The Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving I describe a process couples can use to resolve sexual differences, including differences around libido. Essentially, this process involves different ways the couple can cultivate what Pope St. John Paul the Great referred to in his Theology of the Body as “mutual self-donation.” That is, the kind-of heroic generosity that commits two people to seeking little ways they can use everything God has given them–including their bodies–to work for each other’s good. When a couple practices this mutual self donation–both in and out of bed–both the husband and wife’s needs get met without either one having to make too much of a fuss because both are trying to be mindful to look for ways to make each other’s lives easier or more pleasant. Rather than this being an unattainable ideal, research like the study I’m presenting demonstrates that mutual self-donation is a reality that helps couples negotiate the most challenging aspects of their lives together, including their sexual lives.

Sexual Problems: Always Rooted in the Marriage

The other thing this study really drives home–and it is a point I spend a great deal of time on in Holy Sex!—is the idea that sexual problems are always, always, always rooted in the wider relationship. A couple can’t develop sexual communal strength if, in the rest of their relationship they tend to live parallel lives, are generally hostile to each other, or tend to love their comfort zones more than they love each other overall.

The upshot is that just because you and your spouse have different libidos, it doesn’t have to be a point of contention if you can learn how to manage those differences with generosity, respect and a spirit of mutual self-donation. This is just one example of the many ways a couple’s sexual life can be the catalyst deep and profound spiritual growth.

Of course, if you are experiencing conflict about sexual frequency, it’s important to realize that the problem may not actually have its roots in your sexual relationship and it will be important to look at how you respond to each other’s needs in general. As the saying goes, “sex begins in the kitchen.” The more generous, respectful and self-donative you are in every other room in the house relates directly to how generous, respectful and self-donative you will ultimately be to each other in the bedroom. The good news is that even when sexual differences are causing major conflict there is a great deal that can be done to find peace and sexual fulfillment. For more information on ways you can have a more joyful, grace-filled, and satisfying sexual life, check out Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving or contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to see how our tele-counseling practice can help you experience the passionate love you deserve in your marriage.

What Happens in Vegas…Will Haunt Your Marriage Later. New Study Shows Pre-Marital Sex Decreases Marital Satisfaction.

Posted on March 19, 2015 by GREG

The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia published a study called “Before ‘I Do'” and found that what couples do before they say ‘I do’ actually matters — and that premarital experiences from the past could end up haunting them long into marital bliss.

“What people do before marriage appears to matter,” stated Dr. Galena K. Rhoades and Dr. Scott M. Stanley in the 2014 study, saying that “how they conduct their romantic lives before they tie the knot is linked to their odds of having happy marriages.”

Rhoades, a Research Associate Professor in the Psychology Department at the University of Denver, and Dr. Scott, a Research Professor and Co-Director of the Center of Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, have spent their time researching relationship commitment and development, as well as related implications for family, children, and divorce.

Their findings lead to the conclusion that happy marriages could weigh on the balance of relationships past.

They found that those couples who partook in hooking up, premarital cohabitation, or even engaging in multiple sexual encounters with different people over the course of their lives would have a less likely chance of remaining in a happy marriage – if they even got married at all.

“What happens in Vegas – everything you do before settling down in marriage – may not stay there,” Rhoades and Stanley continued, saying that “those who have had more romantic experiences are more likely to have lower-quality marriages than those with a less complicated romantic history.”

About 90 percent of Americans have sex before marriage and on average, these Americans will have five sexual partners before settling down with “the one.” (READ MORE)

The good news is that regardless of your pre-marital history, God wants you to have a happy marriage and a healthy, vital, passionate post-marital sexual life. Marriage, as a sacrament, is capable of facilitating both healing and holiness. Even so, the more complicated your pre-marital history is, the harder you may need to work to overcome the bad habits you may have picked up along the way, bad habits that can block marital grace and undermine marital satisfaction and stability. Now, more than ever, couples need resources and support that can help them leave behind the world’s vision of love and sex and embrace a more godly vision; a vision that leads to real joy, deeper intimacy and true satisfaction.

No matter where you’ve been. No matter what you’ve done. God wants to give you the love your heart longs for. Will you let him?

Don’t Think NFP is Effective? Advertisers KNOW It Is–“Bio-Marketing” Can Remotely Monitor Fertility Data to Increase Sales

Posted on March 4, 2015 by GREG

This blew my mind–and not in a good way.

“In the creepy brave new world of marketing, a woman who logs onto Facebook during her fertile phase can expect to be barraged by ads for new consumer products that are absent on non-fertile days. It is not happening yet, but it is technically possible and it is hard to see who has the power to stop it.”

Aldous Huxley? Meet Don Draper.

Image via Shutterstock. Used with permission.

Dr. Nigel Barber, an evolutionary psychologist who writes at Psychology Today describes new research that shows how and why advertisers could access and use a woman’s fertility signs (via health monitoring apps) to developed fertility cycle-based targeted marketing campaigns. Here’s an excerpt from Dr. Barber’s piece…

“…University of Texas marketing researchers Kristina Durante and Ashley Rae Arsena found that women are also flightier in respect to choices of a variety of consumer products from candy bars or lipstick colors to high-heeled shoes. They opt to try 15 to 20 percent more products when fertile(link is external) compared to the low-fertility phase of the cycle.

This is not a huge difference, but it might help a new consumer brand for women to get an edge against established brands. From a marketing perspective, the fertile phase of the cycle is a time not just to introduce new products but to offer women premium brands at a time when they are most likely to trade up. Hence, the buzz amongst marketers.

We are accustomed to being tracked on the Internet by scores of companies who collect our data. Now these big-data operations are trying to link our online keystrokes with what is happening inside our bodies.

How is this even possible? One source of vulnerability is the growing popularity of wearables, such as physical activity monitors and smart watches that connect to the Internet. Some of these devices automatically record health data, such as pulse rate and temperature. As users of the “rhythm” method of birth control know, temperature rises during ovulation, giving the marketers one good clue to a woman’s reproductive condition. Some women volunteer information about their reproductive condition by using cell phone apps that track their menstrual cycle.

In the creepy brave new world of marketing, a woman who logs onto Facebook during her fertile phase can expect to be barraged by ads for new consumer products that are absent on non-fertile days. It is not happening yet, but it is technically possible and it is hard to see who has the power to stop it.“ READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE HERE.

UPDATE: POPCAK NOTE: People are writing to take me to task for referring to NFP as the “rhythm method” I DID NOT WRITE THIS ARTICLE. It says so in the bolded section above. This is an excerpt from a larger article by Dr. Nigel Barber at Psychology Today. I didn’t call it the rhythm method. He did. I too look forward to the day that secular writers don’t confuse the two.

Children Raised by Gay Parents WORSE OFF Than Other Kids, New Major Study Shows.

Posted on February 9, 2015 by GREG

From Mercator.net via the British Journal of Education, Society and Behavioral Science.

Image via Shutterstock. Used with permission.

Fresh research has just tossed a grenade into the incendiary issue of same-sex parenting. Writing in the British Journal of Education, Society & Behavioural Science, a peer-reviewed journal, American sociologist Paul Sullins concludes that children’s “Emotional problems [are] over twice as prevalent for children with same-sex parents than for children with opposite-sex parents”.

He says confidently: “it is no longer accurate to claim that no study has found children in same-sex families to be disadvantaged relative to those in opposite-sex families.”

This defiant rebuttal of the “no difference” hypothesis is sure to stir up a hornet’s next as the Supreme Court prepares to trawl through arguments for and against same-sex marriage. It will be impossible for critics to ignore it, as it is based on more data than any previous study — 512 children with same-sex parents drawn from the US National Health Interview Survey. The emotional problems included misbehaviour, worrying, depression, poor relationships with peers and inability to concentrate.

After crunching the numbers, Sullins found opposite-sex parents provided a better environment. “Biological parentage uniquely and powerfully distinguishes child outcomes between children with opposite-sex parents and those with same-sex parents,” he writes. READ MORE

Fight the Power of 50 Shades: Here’s What YOU Can Do!

Posted on February 5, 2015 by GREG

I am doing a lot of interviews over the next few days about the appeal of the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon and what our Christian response should be. I find that many people are responding to the wide appeal of the film by being outraged, clucking about how disgusting and shameful it is. I want to say upfront that I agree that the content of 50 Shades is, indeed, disgusting and shameful, but I also want to say that I think that being shocked and outraged is not only insufficient it is, in fact, doing exactly what Satan wants us to do. He wants us to settle for being scolds when what God needs us to be is evangelists for the truth about the Catholic vision of love. We have been given a huge opportunity that Satan does not want us to take advantage of!

50 Shades: A Sexual Da Vinci Code

Many readers may recall the sensation around The Da Vinci Code a few years back. So many people strangely believed Dan Brown’s wildly fantastical novel to be a legitimate historical work denying the divinity of Christ and suggesting some kind of cover up by the Church of…Heaven knows what. Many Christians reacted with similar outrage and shock to that film as they are showing for 50 Shades, but other Christians mounted a more effective response. A small cottage industry of books came out from Christian publishers that tapped into the public’s fascination with Dan Brown’s story while simultaneously rebutting the book’s claims point by point–revealing powerful arguments for the truth of the claims of traditional Christianity. Because of this, Christians who kept a cooler head in the face of the DaVinci Code’s slanders against the Church were able to turn it into a powerful opportunity for getting the truth into people’s hands. The world was surprised by the forceful and effective response that was mounted by Christians and many people’s hearts were genuinely changed. At the very least, good seeds were sown.

The Hunger

Similarly, I think Christians, and Catholics in particular, are being given a real opportunity. The popularity of 50 Shades isn’t an anomaly. It speaks to a deep need among women to be permitted to express their repressed femininity (see my previous blog that develops this point). As I pointed out in my previous post, St John Paul the Great’s Theology of the Body reminds us that receptivity is an essential characteristic of femininity. A healthy woman can be strong, competent, capable, and powerful, but still want a man to to love her, take care of her, and, yes, to lead. The secular feminist culture seeks to prohibit women from expressing this desire for natural, healthy submission, in which the woman wants a man to cherish and care for her, in which a woman allows herself to be vulnerable–in the healthiest sense of that word–to a man. But that receptive impulse is so much a part of the feminine character that it cannot be denied. Any attempt to repress it will result in that desire for receptivity being expressed in distorted ways. As I’ve pointed out previously, dominance is Satan’s counterfeit of healthy submission. Where a dynamic of healthy mutual submission is denied, dominance will emerge. Poorly formed men will seek to seek to dominate women and poorly formed women will willingly submit to being dominated–just like the female protagonist of 50 Shades.

The point is, what 50 Shades powerfully reveals is that women want more. They want to be able to stop having to be powerful all the time. To be in charge all the time. To have to take care of everyone and everything all by themselves all the time. They want to be able to lay down their defenses, to stop having to pretend that they can be everything to everyone, and to just be vulnerable for a change. But they don’t know there is a healthy way to do that. They don’t know where to look for it. And the best they can do is fantasize about someone who will come into their lives and force them to give up the control they never really wanted in the first place.

That’s where we come in. We have a better way

The Answer

We must do more than express shock and outrage. There is too much work to do. We can’t afford the luxury of being scandalized. We must minister to the sickness and heal the wound that drives this phenomenon. We must show the world that the Christian vision of mutual submission, in which strong powerful, men of God love, cherish, and care for women as Christ loves, cares and cherishes the Church, and strong, powerful women of God know how to lay down their defenses willingly and be loved, cherished and cared for by a man is a real and positive option. In order to do that, we need to be examples to the world of this in our own relationships and we need to put resources in the hands of those who need them so that the world can discover the truth of the Catholic vision of love.

I would like to suggest something to you. I would ask you to consider purchasing a copy of Holy Sex! for everyone you know who has spoken favorably about 50 Shades, has read the book, or mentions they are going to see the movie. Don’t cluck at them. Don’t shame them. Look at them in the eye, smile, and say, “Hmmm. You know what? I think I have something that you’d really be interested in.” and hand them a copy of the book. Change the conversation. Give them the opportunity to see the truth. Don’t run from the fight. ENGAGE the culture and EVANGELIZE. We can use this as an opportunity to change hearts and open minds. Give people the truth and then stand back and be amazed at what the Holy Spirit can do when we open the door even a crack.

Be not afraid! Be a force for good. Light a candle in the darkness, and dispel every shade of grey with the light of God’s grace and love.

Together, we can make a difference. We can show the world that the free, total, faithful, and fruitful love they long for but are afraid to believe truly exists is more than a fantasy. Let’s show the world that there is a better way.

Tainted Love: Why is 50 Shades of Grey So Popular?

Posted on February 4, 2015 by GREG

Note: The following article deals frankly with sexual topics.

Image Shutterstock. used with permission

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that 50 Shades of Grey, a popular soft-core pornographic movie about a timid young woman who is sexually dominated by a billionaire, is being released this coming Valentine’s Day. Based on a popular series of erotic novels, the film is being released both to wide acclaim and wider controversy, especially among those who are repulsed by this glorification of domestic partner violence.

Fatal Attractions

Many people are mystified by the movie’s appeal, but research shows a large percentage of women are very attracted to the kinds of sexual activities portrayed in 50 Shades. According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, nearly 65% of women reported fantasies about sexual submission. Specifically, more than 52% percent of women said they fantasize about being restrained during sex, 36%of women desire to be spanked, and 28.9% fantasize about being forced to have sex. Fantasies about being sexually dominated are quite common among women.

Of course, all of this begs the question, Why? Why are so many women attracted to these behaviors and to this film that depicts such degrading behavior toward women. Why would women willingly submit themselves to watching or participating in media that, for all intents and purposes, is victimizing to them?

Repressed Femininity

There isn’t one reason, of course. For some, prior abuse or victimization will be a factor. But there is a major theme that I have observed that contributes to the tendency for many–even, apparently, a majority–of women to desire and/or submit themselves to this kind of treatment. Namely, our prevailing culture’s secular-feminist ethic makes it taboo for women to want to be vulnerable in any healthy ways. Women are told they must expect to take care of themselves. They must be strong, self-sufficient and powerful. Of course there is nothing wrong–and everything right–with being a capable, competent woman. But many women are taught that they must take this a step further. They can never allow themselves to be vulnerable. They must be competent at all things, and at all costs. They don’t let themselves need anyone, least of all a man. Even in a healthy relationship, there are many women will will not allow themselves to let their guard down, give up control, or open their hearts.

The problem is that this isn’t natural. The Theology of the Body asserts that an inherent character of femininity is receptivity. That is, the ability to be open, generous, receptive to others. Not dependent, or needy, or a victim, but intimately relational in character. The secular feminist culture pressures women to deny their basic receptivity, but nature will not be denied. The receptive, feminine impulse continues to assert itself, and if it cannot find legitimate expression in healthy relationships, it will assert itself in more insidious ways.

The Need that Will Not Be Denied

In essence, many women who have been trained to reject their natural, healthy vulnerability, can only allow their feminine impulse to be expressed by permitting themselves to be dominated. Unable to allow their feminine nature to emerge in any other way, many women either fantasize or actually place themselves positions where they are no longer given a choice in the matter. Domination is, in essence, Satan’s counterfeit of the healthy submission (as opposed to subjugation/dominance) that naturally expresses itself in subtle and psychologically affirming ways in a healthy, nurturing relationship.

Improperly formed men will seek to dominate women rather than love and serve them, and improperly formed women will seek to be dominated rather that willingly allowing themselves to be loved and served. The popularity of 50 Shades is the bad fruit of a culture that denies the healthy interdependence of men and women and rejects the natural dynamic of mutual submission that evolves when well-formed men and women boldly express their respective masculine and feminine genius in a nurturing, mutually generous relationship with one another.

To learn more about reclaiming a healthy sense of one’s sexuality and living a passionate, loving, soulful sexual life, check out Holy Sex! The Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing Infallible Loving.

The Crux of the Matter: Catholics and Contraception–A Challenge to Margery Eagan.

Posted on January 21, 2015 by GREG

Over at Crux News the other day, Margery Eagan posted a column indicating that she was “devastated” that Pope Francis crushed her hopes for reform on pelvic issues by affirming Pope Paul VI’s

Image Credit: Shutterstock. Used with permission.

courage in promoting Humanae Vitae. A snippet: “Although he has not lived it himself, I had thought he understood something about good people living real lives in real marriages. I had thought he even understood something about the beauty of sex in marriage, the need for sex in marriage. I was wrong.”

She goes on to share how shocked she was by Pope Francis’ backward attitudes about contraception. Doesn’t he know that contraception is the key to a healthy romantic sex life (she’s apparently unaware that the pill kills libido)? Doesn’t he understand that the pill has led to freedom for women (because she is apparently unaware of the inequality of the hookup culture that is so damaging to women)? Doesn’t he know that contraception is the key to ending poverty and world hunger (because condoms are both so tasty and the progressive Catholic part of a complete breakfast)?!? In other words, the typical “let them eat condoms” faux-social-justice, feelings-before-faith, stuff one often hears.

Who People Like Eagan Are Hurting…

Because it’s such well-trod terrain, I wouldn’t normally bother to address her column except that people like Eagan really don’t understand how many people they are hurting, not really because of the confusion they spread–there’s already so much confusion on these points that one person’s drivel will ultimately come out in the wash–but because of the fact that their constant agitation gets in the way of the Church ever being more pastoral on these topics. What do I mean?

Well, we all know that the Church does not oppose family planning. In fact, she proposes a very reliable means of avoiding pregnancy through Natural Family Planning. In fact, as I recently noted, even CNN is taking note of the rising, popular interest in NFP. The problem is that NFP can be difficult to practice. Not so much because it is all that complicated–it isn’t and it’s getting easier all the time. Rather, it necessarily involves some degree of sacrifice and self-discipline and couples can struggle to understand how to deal effectively with the tension and frustration that can result from periodic abstinence. And this is where people like Egan are–albeit unintentionally, I’m sure–a real obstacle to the pastoral efforts of the Church to couples.

Even if, as writers like Eagan would have you believe, only about 3% of Catholics practice NFP, that means there would be more NFP-Catholics in the US alone than there are Episcopalians (1.8 million vs. 2.3 million respectively). The Church really needs to do a better job supporting those Catholics who are trying with all their might, and against significant cultural pressure, to live faithfully, but it can’t. Why? Because the second it tries to be more pastoral at all, the Egans of the world hijack that effort and say, “See! The Church is FINALLY admitting it’s wrong!” At which point the Church has to stop what it’s doing and patiently explain, yet again, that “No Virginia, there is no doctrinal revolution.” and “Yes, Virginia, the Pope is still Catholic (and in other news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead).”

The Inconvenient Catholics

Any institution only has so many resources. Because of the advocacy of folks like Eagan, the Church has to spend all of its energy defending itself against willful stupidity, leaving it with precious little energy to do anything useful on this front for the honest-to-goodness, flesh and blood, real-life couples that are striving to serve as a witness to the world that the Church does, in fact, actually know what it’s talking about. Too often, writers like Eagan, give the impression that they would rather deny these couples’ inconvenient existence–or at least discount their honest experience (as she does in her rather dismissive follow-up column).

Perhaps I shouldn’t be so hard on Margery (bless her heart). After all, in her follow-up column she did plug my book, Holy Sex! (which her colleague, John Allen, said read like, “Dr. Ruth meets St Thomas Aquinas) as well as Patrick Coffin’s Sex Au Naturel . Granted, she references them in a tongue-in-cheek, “I wouldn’t read this crap, but you can,” sort-of way, but a mention is a mention and I thank her.

But after thinking on it for a few days, I decided to respond to her columns on this topic because, unlike Eagan, I actually spend my days in the trenches working with Catholics who really are trying, with all their hearts, to be what they genuinely believe Christ is calling them to be. Couples who have invited Christ to be the Lord of every part of their lives, including their bodies and the most intimate parts of their marriage. They do it out of love and they do it with a real heart of sacrifice and faith. I see how much these couples would really benefit from just a little more support from the very Church whose ideals they’re trying to live up to and I see how impossible it is for the Church to provide that support because its emotional and pedagogical resources are being taxed by the histrionics of the Egans of this world. I, for one, am more than a little tired of watching those faithful couples go it alone so that Margery & Co. can feel affirmed in their okayness.

A Challenge to Margery Egan

In her follow-up column, Eagan calls herself as a “journalist.” Indeed, from her bio, it appears that she has some actual experience here. I would like to invite her to make good on that claim. I’ve never gone to J-school, but as I understand it, a journalist is supposed to at least offer the pretense of being unbiased and go through the motions of becoming informed, something Eagan hasn’t bothered to do in either of these two pieces I’ve referenced. If she really wants to be a journalist and contribute to authentic dialog, I challenge her to actually talk to the faithful Catholics I know who are living the truth of the Church’s teachings on sexual ethics. I challenge her to read the books she links with one hand but patronizingly dismisses with the other. You want dialog? Let’s dialog. I have no interest in changing your mind, Margery. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. But I am interested in challenging your self-righteous desire to wish Catholics like me and the people I serve out of existence. We’re here. We’re sincere. Get used to it. If you’re honestly interested in following Pope Francis example of encounter, here’s where you can find me.

And for anyone interested in discovering how the Church’s wisdom on love, sex, and marriage can help you take your relationship to the next level, check out, Holy Sex! The Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving, For Better…FOREVER! The Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage and Just Married: The Catholic Guide to Surviving & Thriving in the First Five Years of Marriage.

CNN (!?!) Loves NFP

Posted on January 8, 2015 by GREG

This article isn’t perfect, but the fact that its as good as it is and in CNN is a minor miracle. Nice to see the world is catching up with those of us who’ve been in the know since Humanae Vitae. Now if we could just get the Church to capitalize on this to start promoting our resources….

FAM is frequently referred to as the rhythm method — a system in which women predict their likely fertile days based on the lengths of their cycles. However, FAM advocates say there is a clear distinction. This method is much more careful.

Where’s my orgasm?

Ilene Richman, director of the Fertility Awareness Center, describes it this way, “It’s a process of becoming aware of the signals your body is giving you and keeping track of them.”

Richman explained that after a women ovulates, her basal body temperature, the body’s lowest temperature throughout the day, would rise. In addition, “A woman who cycles naturally, is going to experience a wetness around the time of ovulation,” Richman says.

When women become more fertile, their bodies produce fluids that help give sperm their best chance at fertilizing the egg. Once a woman ovulates, the consistency of that fluid changes. A woman’s cervix will also change positions, based on whether or not she has ovulated.

Charting temperatures, noting fluid consistency, and checking cervix position can seem overwhelming at first. “I think it can be a little difficult to remember it all in the beginning, but it really isn’t that difficult,” explained Kacey. “Once you get it, you fall into a rhythm.”

The CDC and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists are quick to point out that FAM is one of the least-effective methods of birth control.

“You hear about 25%,1 in 4, who use it correctly can expect to get to get pregnant.” says Dr. Nathaniel DeNicola, an OBGYN with the University of Pennsylvania Health System.

Doctors: Think twice about the pill for teen birth control

But FAM supporters, such as Sarah Bly, a fertility awareness instructor, says that number needs to be parsed out further.

“The perfect use rate is 99.6%-99.4% which is really good,” Bly says. Meaning women who are very particular about keeping their health statistics and not missing even a single day. “A lot of statistics that (the doubters quote) are typical use, which include women taking risks,” Bly says.

A German study from 2007 that tracked 900 women over 20 years consistently using FAM methods found that only 2% of those women had an unintended pregnancy.

DeNicola agrees that it can work for some.

“For the right patient, who is really willing to track the days, and are willing to track the temperature,” he says. READ MORE

If you’d like more information on NFP and how you can celebrate a more grace-filled, passionate, joyful marital sexuality, check out Holy Sex! The Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving. And don’t forget to visit the USCCB Office on Natural Family Planning.

Holy Sex in the Huffington Post

Posted on December 2, 2014 by GREG

My book, Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving got a mention in an article over at the Huffington Post. “Sexier Religious Holidays: 11 Sugarplums of Wisdom.”

Apparently, I am the 10th sugarplum (just as I always suspected ;-).

Extraordinary Synod on the Family Round-up

Posted on October 3, 2014 by GREG

The Extraordinary Synod on the Family begins this weekend. Here are some of the posts I’ve written over the last few months on the synod. To see more great writing on the Synod by my fellow Patheos bloggers, go here!