A Different Kind of Fatherhood for All Men?

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A guest blog by Pastoral Solutions Institute pastoral counseling associate, Dave McClow, M.Div., LISW, LMFT.

The Ultimate Challenge, at least in this column, is about men and faith.  But today I will use an example of a fictional female character to illustrate a different kind of fatherhood.

C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce tells the story of a man from hell who takes a bus tour of Heaven. He sees some “bright Spirits.”  Amongst them is a lady surrounded by musicians, and boys and girls singing to her and honoring her.  The man notices her exquisite beauty but cannot remember if she was naked or not.  She was either naked, covered with “joy and courtesy,” or “her inmost spirit shone through the clothes.”

He wonders if this lady with “unbearable beauty” was Mother Mary herself.  But his guide quickly corrects, “Not at all….Her name…was Sarah Smith.”  On Earth she was no one special, but in Heaven, “She is one of the great ones.”  And the many young men and women are her sons and daughters.  The man is dumbfounded, saying she must have had a very large family.  The guide explains,

“Every young man or boy that met her became her son—even if it was only the boy that brought the meat to her back door. Every girl that met her was her daughter.”

The man asks, “Isn’t that a bit hard on their own parents?”

“No. There are those that steal other people’s children.  But her motherhood was of a different kind. Those on whom it fell went back to their natural parents loving them more. Few men looked on her without becoming, in a certain fashion, her lovers. But it was the kind of love that made them not less true, but truer, to their own wives.”

The woman was surrounded by animals as well.  This seemed a bit excessive for the man, but the guide responds:

“Every beast and bird that came near her had its place in her love.  In her they became themselves.  And now the abundance of life she has in Christ from the Father flows over into them.”

The man is amazed.  The guide continues,

“It is like when you throw a stone into a pool, and the concentric waves spread out further and further. Who knows where it will end? Redeemed humanity is still young, it has hardly come to its full strength.  But already there is joy enough in the little finger of a great saint such as yonder lady to waken all the dead things of the universe into life.”

Spiritual Fatherhood

Lewis illustrates a different kind of motherhood.  But what can Sarah Smith teach men?

  1. There is a “different kind of fatherhood” in Heaven which is first lived out on Earth! It is spiritual fatherhood.  It is for all men, even the average single or married man, with or without kids—not just the elite canonized saints.  Everyone you meet is your spiritual child, but especially the widow, the orphan, and “the least of them.” The calling of every Catholic man is to “go and make disciples of all nations.”
  2. How are we to live out spiritual fatherhood? Spiritual fathers are not possessive and do not use people for their own selfish gain. Paraphrasing Lewis’ lines regarding the animals, every person who comes near a man has his or her place in the man’s love as his spiritual child, and in him they become themselves.  When people meet true Catholic men living as spiritual fathers, they are loved deeply and become more themselves, who they are meant to be.  This “different kind” of love always implicitly or explicitly challenges them, sending them back to their lives with more love toward others.
  3. Lewis uses the image of a stone that creates ripples of concentric circles. In other words, God’s love must always be fertile and fruitful!  You must beget children who must beget children who must….You get the idea!  There is no infertility in Heaven!

St. John Paul II challenges biological fathers to be the stone that creates the ripples:  “In revealing and in reliving on earth the very fatherhood of God, a man is called upon to ensure the harmonious and united development of all the members of the family….”  This is the call for all men, as spiritual fathers, not just biological dads!

  1. There is a power in spiritual fatherhood!  As Lewis says, “Redeemed humanity is still young, it has hardly come to its full strength.”  But the joy in only one’s little finger can awaken “all the dead things of the universe into life.”  The ultimate power of love and joy culminates in the Resurrection.  In the same way, the love and joy of our spiritual fatherhood is the greatest power in the universe!

The ultimate power of and challenge to spiritual fathers: we both conceive spiritual children and resurrect them when wounded by sin through revealing and reliving “the very fatherhood of God” via our love and joy for them.  We then challenge them to a fertile love, to create their own ripple effects until they illuminate “all nations.”  “Arise, let us be on our way” (Jn. 14:31).

Holy Apostles College Appoints Dr. Popcak Concentration Chair in Master of Pastoral Studies Program

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Holy Apostles College and Seminary announced today that their hiring committee has unanimously approved Dr. Greg Popcak to serve as the Chair of the Marriage and Family Concentration in their Master of Pastoral Studies (MAPS) program.

The MAPS program is a fully accredited, online masters degree program intended to prepare individuals who wish to serve the faithful as pastoral counselors, marriage and family life ministers, spiritual directors, and other ministry professionals.  In addition to teaching courses in the program, Dr. Popcak will be working with the Interim Program Director, Dr. Daniel Van Slyke, to develop new courses and programs to help prepare priests, religious, and lay students to more effectively serve the souls in their care.

Dr. Popcak is the author of over 20 books and programs integrating contemporary insights from counseling psychology with the timeless wisdom of the Catholic faith.  He directs the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an internationally-recognized,  pastoral tele-counseling practice that provides faith-integrated marriage, family, and personal counseling services to Catholics around the world. Together with his wife, Lisa, he hosts More2Life Radio  a call-in advice program heard across the US on the Ave Maria Radio Network.   A Board Certified Diplomate in Clinical Social Work and a Fellow of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors, he has held several academic appointments, serving as adjunct faculty in both the undergraduate psychology and graduate theology departments at Franciscan University and the doctoral program in Counseling Studies at Capella University.  His books have been translated into 7 languages.

For more information on the Holy Apostles College Master of Pastoral Studies program, including its concentrations in General Pastoral Studies, Marriage and Family Studies, and Spiritual Direction, please visit the Holy Apostles College and Seminary MAPS Program website.

 

 

 

What IS A Catholic’s “Job” When It Comes to Voting, Anyway?

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This is not a political blog, nor is it about to become one, but I have seen so many comments lately about what Catholics “must” do in this next election and it seems to me that every single one of these posts is missing an obvious point.

Once Upon A Time…

I once had a conversation with a prominent bishop in which I expressed my frustration that he and his brother bishops were not more strenuously and publicly opposing Catholic politicians who proclaimed themselves to be “good Catholics” while advocating positions that were virulently contrary to the gospel.

He explained to me, in a tone one usually reserves for a small child, that any time the bishops did this, the public reacted poorly to church leaders “meddling” in politics and their comments ended up getting the person elected.

I responded, “That may be. But I thought it was our job to proclaim the gospel, not win elections.  People can certainly reject the gospel if they want to. We have no control over that.  But they shouldn’t be allowed to say that the Church never proclaimed it in the first place.”

Needless to say, my comment was not well-received.

The Same Story

Be that as it may, I still don’t think Jesus came, suffered, died, and rose again so that we could win elections.  It is not our job to hold our collective nose and vote for the candidate who  is most likely to win no matter how execrable his or her policies or personalities are.  It is not our concern to worry about “throwing away our vote” because we cast a ballot for some obscure candidate who actually does hold verifiably socially just and life-affirming views but has absolutely no chance of winning.  It IS our job to preach the gospel with our vote.  To proclaim Jesus Christ to the world in the way we engage the political process every step of the way.

All Catholics are certainly free to vote as their well-formed consciences dictate.  But let me respectfully propose that if you are casting a vote for any other reason than that “this is the best and loudest way possible I can proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ to a hurting world” then you may be a Democrat, or you may be a Republican, but you are not a Christian.

People might be inclined, as the bishop I began this article with, to think of this view as naive, pie-in-the-sky, too idealistic, or not reflective of reality.  To those who would argue this I can only say that, to my way of thinking, there is nothing more real that the cross.  Nothing more pie-in-the-sky than the hope of Heaven.  Nothing more idealistic than proclaiming the gospel in a world that is, literally, hell-bent on rejecting it.  If my desire to not simply win elections, but actually proclaim Christ with my vote makes me naive, I guess I can live with that.

Foolish?

In this election cycle, especially, when every popular candidate is more foolish than the other, I would suggest that the question is not “how can Christians avoid looking like fools?”  Rather, it seems to me that the real question is,” who will Christians be fools for?”

To my mind, it is better a fool for Christ than a fool for the latest, two-faced demagogue who promises salvation with one hand while stealing it with the other.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled blogging….

 

Mount St. Mary’s President Resigns: Do YOU Work for A Narcissist?

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The news was released today that President Simon Newman of Mount St. Mary’s University resigned in the wake of the scandal caused both by his policy to aggressively encourage underperforming students to leave the school as a ploy to increase the school’s rankings, and then summarily firing tenured faculty who opposed the policy for being “disloyal.”  Matters were made worse when it was released that President Newman defended his unpopular policy by asserting, “You just have to drown the bunnies…put a Glock to their heads.”

While it is impossible to accurately analyze President Newman’s motivations from afar, his public behavior serves as a useful illustration of the behavior of a narcissist at work.  Narcissists tend to lack empathy, make unilateral and autocratic decisions and become outraged at the idea that anyone would oppose them.  At work, they tend to promise great things and then try to achieve those goals by force of will rather than through collaboration.  If the goals are met, they are praised by the power-that-be as heroes.  If not, their flame-out can be something to behold.

The faculty and students at Mount St. Mary’s are not the only ones who seem to  feel they have been affected by workplace narcissism.  Workplace narcissism is not unusual at all.  Many middle and upper level managers as well as executives exhibit strong narcissistic traits.  Do YOU work for a narcissist and, if you do, how should you handle it.

Industrial psychologist, Bernardo Tirado, suggests three steps for dealing with narcissists in the workplace.  The following represent highlights from his tips.

Dealing with Workplace Narcissists:  3 Steps

Step 1:  Determine if he or she is a true Narcissist

Find out if the person is a true Narcissist.  Use the PsychCentral.com called Narcissistic Personality Quiz.  Although it’s designed to determine if you’re a narcissist, it can be easily applied it to the person you’re trying to assess. 

Step 2:  Know How a Narcissist Thinks

Narcissists, by definition,  only care about themselves.  When working with a narcissist, you need to keep in mind that they will never be your best friend.  They will befriend you to see what they can get out of you and in their mind, will do favors expecting that you will do the same.  Unfortunately, in the workplace you can’t just write this person off and walk away.  So the best thing to do is to go along with him or her.

Narcissists also don’t do well with criticism.  If you ever have an issue with a narcissist never blame him or her directly as this will only infuriate them.  The best thing to do is to be indirect and talk around the issue.  So make it more about how you feel and how it’s impacting you versus how they are at fault.

Narcissists also expect you to be immediately responsive the moment they demand attention.  I once had a boss that would send me an instant message asking if I was there at my desk, then a minute later he would send me an email, and then another minute later he would call my phone.  All because he wanted a very trivial question answered. 

After he did this to me a few times, I caught onto his psychological game and so what did I start to do?  I ignored him.  It’s a risky play to ignore a narcissist but in this case, I knew that he was always persistent to the point that if I was not there to answer his question, he would find someone else that would.  I leave it with you to decide what best works for you.  What you need to know is that when a narcissist wants something, they want it now.

Step 3:  Working with a Narcissist

Always lead with how you feel first.  Narcissists are caught up in their own world and as a result, lack empathy.  Sharing your emotions is a huge blind spot because you’re forcing them to put your feelings first. 

If that feels too vulnerable, the next strategy is to focus on solutions and not the problem.  Narcissists like to focus on the problem and dissect it over and over again.  Rather than falling into the pitfall of seeing the glass half empty, flip it on its head and influence the narcissist to see the glass half full.  State the problem and quickly move towards to the solution. 

It’s typically best to present several solutions.  Narcissists like to be in control and if you can provide options, the better off you are.  Options are a way to unconsciously make them feel like you respect their opinion and are asking for them to control the direction of the solution.

Lastly, if all else fails then your last option is to make them feel special and unique.  Narcissists get high off of being in power and live for attention and admiration.  If you want them to do something, tell them how great they are and watch them perform. 

Tirado’s tips highlight the fact that you shouldn’t think that you cure the workplace narcissist or even get them to be more empathic with you.  True narcissists just don’t have it in them and nothing you can do will change that.  But you can still thrive if your boss is a narcissist by knowing how they work and how to work around them.  If you are looking for even more tips for dealing more gracefully with both the narcissists and other prickly people in your life, check out God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts!  Making Peace with Difficult People!

Why Porn Is NOT An Addiction (Part Deux) and Why That Matters For Your Healing.

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A while back, I shared a study arguing that porn was not an addiction. I also explained why this matters for treatment.  In the months since then, I’ve gotten several emails from people asking questions about that post. Many of these messages cited a response by Matt Fradd  that took issue (very respectfully, thank you Matt) with my position.  Most recently, I received an email from a pastor who was interested in the debate about the issue. My conversation with this pastor–who, like many pastors, works with a lot of people who confess the sin of pornography and masturbation–led me to believe that an update to my original post was in order.

WHY IS PORN (STILL) NOT AN ADDICTION

To be clear, I have no issue with the phrase “sexual addiction” if it is used casually to refer to inappropriate and destructive sexual behavior.  There is no question that pornography is a pervasive, insidious, and terribly destructive problem. It can even seem, superficially, addictive.  I and my associates at the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Tele-counseling practice treat a lot of people who struggle with this issue and we regularly witness, first hand, the havoc it causes.

That said, in treatment, labels do matter because they direct both how we think about the roots of a problem and how we treat it.  In light of this, people are often surprised to learn that despite the fact that this phrase has been around since the late 1980’s, “sexual addiction” doesn’t exist as a diagnosis in either the DSM-V or the ICD-10 (which general physicians use).  Even the people who argue that pornography use is an addiction are, in fact, obliged to diagnose it either as an “impulse control disorder” or some type of obsessive-compulsive disorder.  The psychiatric and medical professions simply do not recognize the pop-psych diagnosis of “sexual addiction” because there is insufficient evidence to suggest it is an addiction rather that a compulsion/impulse control disorder.

Again, here’s why that matters to you.

Addiction VS. Compulsion

There are several important reasons mental health professionals view problem porn use and masturbation as an impulse control disorder or compulsion instead of an addiction.  A good rule-of-thumb for determining the difference between a compulsion and an addiction is that addictions are experienced more as a source of pleasure than guilt while compulsions are experienced as more a source of guilt than pleasure.

If sex were an addiction the person…

1) wouldn’t tend to feel guilty about what he did,
2) would experience physiological withdrawal (that jeopardized his health–not just caused psychological discomfort) when the “drug” was removed for a period of time, and
3) once he was “clean” the problem would be largely resolved.  (And yes, I’m aware of the “dry drunk” phenomenon, but those behaviors tend to be treated as issues that are co-morbid with the addiction as opposed to the cause of the addiction.)

The compulsive, on the other hand, is simultaneously drawn to the object of his obsession and repulsed by his connection to it.  He HATES himself for doing it but he can’t stop.  (By contrast the addict will often say he hates himself for indulging, but there’s little emotion behind the claim.  In truth, he loves it and lives for it).

Likewise, a sexual compulsion is not driven by a physiological need for either the object (porn)/action (masturbation).  While an addict could die from not getting his fix in time, no one is going to die from not being allowed to look at porn or masturbate. Instead, what drives a compulsion–sexual or otherwise– is an underlying, misunderstood, frustrated emotional need.  For the sexual compulsive,  we are specifically talking about the need for intimacy.  Most sexual compulsives are terrible at intimacy and use porn as a substitute.  But because, as Mark Shea often says, “you can never get enough of what you don’t really want”  the ache of the unsatisfied need for intimacy makes them hate themselves for settling for less.  An addict has no such internal struggle,  they believe they have found what they need in the bottle or the drug.

Sin versus Disorder

But what about sin?  Does everything have to be pathologized?  Isn’t there at least SOME time when lust is “just” sinful?

It’s true. For most, otherwise healthy, normal, (sinful) people, porn is attractive simply because we tend to be fascinated by provocative images.  This is the sin of lust and, at this level, porn use/masturbation is a bad habit that can be overcome by grace, self-discipline, and accountability. You don’t need therapy for this.  Go to confession.  Practice virtue.  If need be, get some support with an internet filter.  You’re good to go.

When Porn Becomes a Pathology

Unfortunately, for more serious porn problems, this approach doesn’t tend to work because the mere fact that porn involves provocative images isn’t what makes porn so hard to resist.

Ultimately, the degree to which a person struggles with porn use is almost directly proportional to his/her struggle to be authentically, genuinely intimate with the people in his or her life.   People struggle with compulsive use of porn because they have poor relationship skills, can’t figure out how to be vulnerable in healthy ways, aren’t good at articulating their needs in relationships, and aren’t comfortable dealing with emotions–especially negative emotions.  They use porn to self-medicate for all of this.  Using filters on your computer or smartphone can be a fine first step, but it can also strengthen the force of the compulsion because now, you don’t even have unhealthy ways to meet these other, very legitimate needs (e.g., needs for healthy intimate connection, emotional expression, personal fulfillment).

Porn is just the tip of the iceberg for these individuals.  It’s a symptom, and they’ll continue to struggle with it until the underlying issues are addressed.  That’s why an addiction model (which says, in essence, “just avoid it and you’ll be fixed”) doesn’t really work and can even make things worse for these individuals.  It leads people to believe that if they could just put their phone away or shut down the computer all would be well but, in fact, these people have much deeper problems expressing their emotional and relational selves in healthy ways; problems that must be addressed if they want to be genuinely free of their sexual compulsions.

Porn isn’t a social problem because people like porn.  It is a social problem because, as a society, families have stopped teaching children how to have healthy relationships.  This breakdown in the capacity for interpersonal attachment and intimacy is rooted in the breakdown of family life (and even many intact families don’t have an actual family life) which then expresses itself as a compulsion to use porn.

Healing & Hope

We need to think of compulsive porn use, not as the disease itself, but as the fever that accompanies the disease. Yes, sometimes a fever becomes so serious that has to be the focus of treatment.  But more often, you watch the fever to judge the progress of healing the underlying infection.  The problem with the addiction model is that it tends to ignore both the deeper infection and the responsibility one has to heal this deeper wound.  Telling someone “just put a filter on your computer” and “have custody of your eyes” does nothing to encourage them to get the help they need to develop the relational/emotional skills they are lacking; the very problem that drove them to a compulsive relationship with porn in the first place.

Healing from compulsive porn use can be challenging, but it is absolutely possible.  If you or a loved one would like more information on what it takes to overcome the struggle against compulsive pornography use, start with both Broken Gods:  Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart which explores how to stop hating yourself and start healing the hurt, and Holy Sex!  which reveals what it takes to experience your sexuality as God intended.  For additional assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn how our tele-counseling practice can help you find healing for yourself and your relationships.

 

 

All Hell Breaks Loose: The Prodigal’s Brother

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Image via Shutterstock. Used with permission.

Guest post by Dave McClow, M.Div, LMFT.  Clinical Pastoral Counseling Assoc. of the Pastoral Solutions Institute

The immensity and beauty of the Grand Canyon are an inexhaustible mystery for me.  This natural wonder must be experienced from different vantage points to be fully appreciated.  I have hiked along the rim and taken different trails into the canyon; I have flown over it in a plane!  Each perspective reveals something different, but all inspire awe!

Journeying through this Year of Mercy, focusing on the motto, “Merciful like the Father,” I think the Prodigal Son story is a “Grand Canyon” to be experienced from several vantage points!  The Catechism encapsulates it this way, “Only the heart of Christ who knows the depths of his Father’s love could reveal to us the abyss of his mercy in so simple and beautiful a way” (1439).  I want to focus on the prodigal’s brother.

The Prodigal Son story asks and answers an essential question for men: “How do you approach God?”  The Psalmist answers, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Ps. 111:10).  According to St. John Paul II, we can “fear the Lord” in two contrasting ways.  One is as a slave, seeing God as a master to obey, fearing punishment—servile fear.  The other is as a son, seeing God as our Abba, our Papa, who makes a covenant relationship with us—filial fear, understanding that nothing, not even sin, can stop God from loving us.  The Prodigal Son story illustrates these two approaches.

We all know this story, but go and read it again (see Luke15:11-32).  The short version: a father has two sons, and “all hell breaks loose” when the younger one insults the father by wishing him dead, collecting his part of the inheritance and squandering it on sin.  Finding himself broke and competing with pigs for food, he “comes to his senses” and decides to return home as a hired hand. Then “all heaven breaks loose.” The father violates the social norms of his day by running out to meet his sinful son.  Unexpectedly, the father fully restores his son’s status, and the celebration begins.  The father rejoices that his “dead” son is alive and home. This son enters into his father mercy with filial trust.

This part of the story receives a lot of press and is exactly why the older brother grinds his teeth—he did all the right things, staying home and obeying his father.  But “all hell breaks loose” again when he, too, refuses to come “home” to rejoice as his degenerate brother is treated like royalty!  His father extends the same mercy to the older son by coming out to him.  But the older son angrily whines, “You never gave me a party.  It’s not fair!”

The father, unfazed, continues his mission of mercy.  He answers with some of the most astonishing words of Scripture: “Son, everything I have is yours!”  Bishop Barron says, “I don’t know apithier description of how God relates to us anywhere in the spiritual literature of the world.”

We have a battle of fathers here!  St. John Paul II says, “original sin…attempts to abolish fatherhood.”  Satan lies, convincing Adam and Eve that the Father was withholding something from them—“to be like him.”  But now Abba proclaims the truth: “Everything I have is yours.” He gives us the depths of his heart, his mercy, his love—his Son.  Let that sink in!

While the two sons distort their relationship with their father differently, they both share the servile approach, acting as slaves, demanding much less than the father offers. The father only acts out of filial love, dispensing mercy based on their sonship, not their behavior!

This is the problem for many men: their image of the Father is distorted, and they act out of servile fear of the Lord, waiting for punishment.  They see God as critical of their imperfections, believing their worth is based on their behavior. The Catechism (2779) points out that our parental experiences are obstacles to knowing the Father. It encourages us to purify our hearts of our parental images, even to pull down these “idols” to experience our Abba as his Son has revealed him: an Abba offering an abyss of mercy.  We must approach God as divinized sons with filial fear.

What does the older son teach us?  First, as Pope Francis has recently said, “no one is excluded from the feast of mercy,” not even the religious elite!  Second, as Bishop Barron suggests, this is an unfinished story—it is never revealed whether the older sons enters the party.  It is our invitation to enter the celebration.

Will we experience his “Grand Canyon of mercy”?  Will we let “all heaven break loose” in our lives, coming home to the Father’s house with open hearts?  Sometimes confession is needed, but we are always his beloved sons!  Barron continues, “When…we enter with abandon into the loop of grace—giving away in love what was given to us through love—then the celebration begins.”  Are you holding up the celebration?  Come home—Abba is always looking for you!

Learn more about Dave McClow and the Pastoral Solutions Institute by visiting us at www.CatholicCounselors.com

Speaking Ill of the Dead: Why is the Media Silent on David Bowie’s Sexual Abuse of Minors?

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WARNING:  POST FEATURES DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL ACTS AND STRONG LANGUAGE.

The movie Spotlight highlights the media’s rightful role in holding the Catholic Church accountable for the abuse scandals.  It does seem, however, that the media can be selective in choosing whom it holds accountable.  David Bowie was a brilliant artist, a vaunted sexual icon and, according to several accounts, a serial child rapist (or, to use a word that became popular during the priest scandals, an ephebophile; that is, one who engages in sexual acts with young adolescents). In fact, Bowie referred to his underage sexual conquests as his “baby groupies.”

Catholic Patheosi, Artur Rosman offers what I think is a must-read piece on the subject.  One of the links he provides is from Music.Mic which features a video of an interview with Lori Mattix who claims that Bowie took her virginity when she was 15. In the interview, Mattix states that she had several such encounters with Bowie, including group sex with the singer and at least one other “f—– up” (Mattix’s words) 15 year old girl named Sable Starr.   The following is from the Music.Mic piece Rosman links

In the early ’70s, Bowie allegedly had a sexual relationship with Lori Mattix, who was around 15 years old at the time. Mattix was one of many so-called “baby groupies,” girls between the ages of 12 and 16 who frequently patrolled Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, a haven for musicians and entertainers in the ’70s. The age of consent in California was (and still is) 18 years of age.  Mattix, in an in-depth interview published in November, talked with Thrillist about her years as a “baby groupie,” and the time she lost her virginity to the famed artist. “He focused his famously two-colored eyes on me and said, ‘Lori, darling, can you come with me?'” Mattix told Thrillist. “He walked me through his bedroom and into the bathroom, where he dropped his kimono. He got into the tub, already filled with water, and asked me to wash him. Of course I did.”

“Then he escorted me into the bedroom, gently took off my clothes, and de-virginized me,” Mattix said. 

Mattix told Thrillist the night continued with a threesome involving Mattix and another 15-year-old “baby groupie” Sable Starr.

“Two hours later, I went to check on Sable. She was all fucked up in the living room, walking around, fogging up windows and writing, ‘I want to fuck David,'” Mattix said. “I told him what she was doing and that I felt so bad. Bowie said, ‘Well, darling, bring her in.’ That night I lost my virginity and had my first threesome.”

With all the media hype about Bowie’s passing, why is no one discussing this?  Perhaps it is because the media doesn’t mind being acolytes to the high priests of pop culture even when they are sacrificing children on the altar of art. Again, I strongly encourage you to read Rosman’s thought-provoking and informative piece.

As we reflect on Bowie’s passing, we should by all means acknowledge his musical genius and pray that God would have mercy on him.  But while you do so, don’t forget to offer up a prayer or two for the underage youths he took advantage of over all the years he spent cultivating his image as a sexual icon.   Victims the besotted media has conveniently chosen to forget.

 

This is Your Brain on Terrorism…Any Questions?

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Dr. Eric Haseltine is a recognized expert in both neuroscience and counter-terrorism.  He has a great article in Psychology Today about how understanding the way our brains work can lead us to a healthy response to terrorism.  Although he is not writing from a religious perspective, regular readers of Faith on the Couch will recognize how consistent Dr. Haseltine’s approach is with the Theology of the Body, the assertion by Pope St. John Paul the Great that by understanding the way God made our bodies and brains to function, we can discover His plan for healthy relationships and creating a Civilization of Love.

From Psychology Today…

It’s very rare that my backgrounds in Neuroscience and Counter Terrorism  collide, but the Paris terrorist attacks have just  made this happen.

And the atrocities have lead me to a strong opinion about what we should do about ISIS

The bottom line is that both Neuroscience and lessons from Counter Terrorism experience argue that military force, by itself is, not going to solve the problem. Neither will efforts to “de-radicalize” Islamic teenagers. Ditto for diplomacy, support to foreign governments  that  motivate them to fight ISIS harder, or efforts to win over “hearts and minds” of Sunni populations  that support ISIS.

We’ve  tried these approaches for decades, and the best you can say is that they’ve only partly succeeded.

The reason for the mixed success is that these approaches focus primarily on “them” (terrorists) and very little on  “us” (victims or potential victims of terrorists).

Here’s what I mean.

One of ISIS’s objectives in the Paris attacks was to polarize non-Muslims  against Muslims.  This increased anger could produce two things ISIS covets:  Western military responses  in Muslim countries that  deepen Islam’s resentment of the West, and increased  bias against Muslims, which, in turn, increases alienation of Islamic youth in Western countries.

Resentful populations in Muslim countries are more likely to support ISIS and so are disaffected Islamic youths in the West.

So… how we react to the events in Paris will play a big role in how often such incidents are repeated.

And , unfortunately, the latest Neuroscience suggests that our response will be dangerously imbalanced.

Bear with me while I explain.

Dr. Gregory Berns at Emory University has shown that the part of our brains that respond to “utility” (cost vs. benefit) are entirely different from the parts involved in “sacred values” (absolute right vs. wrong). And it’s because these two parts are unconnected that I’m worried.

For instance, when faced with decisions like “how much money would it take to get you stop drinking Coke,”  fMRI scans showed that  test subject’s  right Inferior Parietal neocortex activated. But when asked whether money could make them kill an innocent person, other areas, such as the Tempororparietal Junction and amygdala lit up.

In other words, no amount of cost/benefit analysis will change the strong responses in our brain to fundamental beliefs, like” terrorists are evil and should be killed.”

So, in responding to terrorism, our “sacred value” brains will tend to ignore cost vs benefit–  such as how much American military action will raise our taxes. Or how many more American soldiers  and  civilians will die with escalated military operations. Or– most important–will added military action really work?

Worse, the attacks are likely to make our sacred beliefs about Muslim  terrorists—and by association all Muslims—even more sacred. This is bound to affect some of our conscious and unconscious attitudes towards Muslims.

And Muslims in the West are bound to feel it.

And some of them will become more radicalized. If that happen, ISIS wins.

Not just once, with military attacks on Muslim countries that increase ISIS support

Not just twice with increased alienation of Muslims in the West.

But  three times with attitudes we pass on to our children.  READ THE REST.

 

4 Ways Parents and Adult Children Can Get Along

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Relationships between parents and adult children–and vice versa–can be tricky.  Today, on More2Life Radio, we discussed the challenges that these relationships face and how to negotiate them more effectively.  In particular, we focused on four action-steps that help parents relate more effectively with their adult children and, for that matter, allow adult children to relate more effectively to their parents.  We used the acronym RISE.

R–RELATIONSHIP 
I–INTERCEDE
S–SUPPORT
E–ENCOURAGE 

Relationship

In general, parents and adult children tend to assume too much about their relationship with one another.  Parents assume that their adult children owe them a relationship and often treat their adult children in a rude or heavy-handed manner that they would never use with their real friends.  In turn, adult children often take their parents for granted assuming that their parents should always be there for them but they shouldn’t have to give anything back to the relationship.

Parents and adult children need to be intentional about creating a good bond.  To that end, both parties need to ask themselves–on an ongoing basis–simple questions like…

     What have I done lately (or what might I need to do) to build rapport and good feeling between us?

     Are there any offenses I need to repent of (past or present) and seek forgiveness/reconciliation for?

     Are there limits I need to set to make a mutually generous, mutually respectful adult friendship possible? (Or at least to stop one party from treating the other as a vending machine or mere extension of their ego?)

Being mindful about the relationship–not making assumptions about what each party owes to the other–is key to transitioning from a parent-child dynamic to a parent-adult child friendship.

Intercede

Parents:  Are you praying daily for your adult children?  Don’t just pray that they would change or that God would bless them.   Pray that God would help you be the parent/true friend your adult child needs you to be.  That you would be given the grace to support and disciple your children well as they try to make their way in the world.

Adult Children:  Are you praying for your parents?  Don’t just pray that they would stop doing annoying things.  Pray that God would strengthen you to be a true, respectful, adult in the relationship; one who knows how to give back to the relationship in appropriately generous ways and set respectful limits when necessary.

BONUS POINTS:  Do you pray about your relationship together?  Christians should bring all their relationships before God and ask him for his ongoing guidance. Create opportunities to pray together and ask God to help all of you be what you need to be for each other, that God’s will might be done in your lives and that your family would give him glory in all the ways you treat each other and all the things you do together.

Support

Parents and adult children are often good at criticizing each other, but perhaps not quite as good at offering practical support for those positive choices each other is making.

Parents:  What things are your adult children doing that you can support or be proud of?   Have you asked your child what they want or need from you to support them in these actions or choices?  Don’t just do.  Ask what they need and be willing to do what you can to provide practical, welcome assistance.

Adult Children: Your parents still want and need your support. Keeping in mind that your primary obligation is to your spouse and children, are you challenging yourself to make time to help out your folks, encourage them, and ask what they might need from you?

Encourage

Parents:  Adult children never stop wanting their parents’ approval or needing mentors for living a full and healthy Christian life.  Encourage by example.  Remember to focus on your personal, relational and spiritual growth.  Face your shortcomings.  Continue to develop your capacity to live a meaningful, intimate, and virtuous life.  Go deeper in your own marriage.  Don’t lecture.  Give your children a reason to follow your example and encourage them to live a godly life by letting them see the benefits of doing so in your life and relationships.

Adult Children: Parents know they aren’t perfect, but they would like to know that they did somethings right.  Don’t forget to thank them for the things they did well.  Even if you are living your life or parenting your children differently than your parents did, are there some areas you can seek their counsel in?  Keep in mind, too, that transitioning from being a family to being “just a couple” can be a little scary for your folks.  Encourage them to take time for each other and to continue to explore ways that they can live meaningful lives.  And don’t forget that by facing the challenges in your own life like the responsible adult you are, you enable your parents to carve out the time and energy they need to live their own meaningful lives.

Conclusion

These action steps don’t cover every scenario, but they can serve as a guide to establishing a healthy adult friendship between parents and their adult children.  Ask yourself, “What are we already doing and how could we do more of it?” and also, “What of the above is missing from our relationship and what steps do we need to take to include these action steps?”  For additional suggestions on managing the complications that often arise in relationships between parents and adult children (and vice-versa) check out God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts!  Making Peace with Difficult People.  

Sloth at the Synod? OR…Why Cardinal Johnny Can’t (be bothered to) Read

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"Got no time to read stuff. I'm just hangin'"

Some years back, Rudolph Flesch wrote a book called, “Why Johnny Can’t Read” about the poor state of literacy among children.  As I listen to the various conversations going on at the Synod on the Family in Rome, I wonder if Flesch could be persuaded to write a sequel for Catholic Cardinals and Archbishops.

During the synod, there have been many discussions about how to handle various challenges such as what can be done to help Catholics who have remarried after divorce without the benefit of an annulment.  It is a vigorous discussion and while many people are expressing dark and foreboding concerns about what these conversations mean for the future of the Church, I’m trying hard to sit back and trust that the Holy Spirit knows what he is doing.

Sloth at the Synod?

And yet, there is at least one thing that could impede the Holy Spirit’s will from being done–sloth.  As I point out in my book, Broken Gods:  Hope, Healing and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart, sloth is not mere laziness.  Rather, it is a distortion of the Divine Longing for Peace.  When a person wants a conflict or injustice to just go away and, instead of  addressing the problem in a forthright, honest manner, simply ignores the problem or takes the easy way out, he is committing the sin of sloth (aka “acedia”).  Sloth is pursuing peace at the cost of justice.  True peace, by contrast, is peace that results from authentic justice.  It is, as Augustine put it, “Peace is the tranquility that results from right order.”

How does this tie into the Synod?  Well, to be honest, I am concerned, by the appearance, at least, that so many of the synod fathers–progressives in particular– could seem to simply not be bothered to read anything written in the last 40 years on the spiritual significance of marriage. Their apparent simple ignorance (God forbid it would be willful ignorance) of things like the Theology of the Body and Pope St. John Paul II’s general writings on the spiritual dignity of marriage and the family life is stunning if not outright slothful.  As Archbishop Chaput noted, Pope St. John Paul II wrote almost 2/3’s of everything the Church has ever produced on marriage and family life and how it relates to the Universal Call to Holiness. Why are so many of the Synod fathers–especially the progressives–speaking as if the last 40 years never happened?   (Note:  Prominent  Catholic speaker Mary Beth Bonnacci has observed the same thing recently).

Bad Form

If I write a scholarly paper, or present at a professional conference, to have any credibility, I am required to familiarize myself with the most relevant literature on the subject. I don’t have to agree with it, but I need to know the arguments inside and out so that I can either support them with additional evidence or find holes and propose ways forward. What I can’t do is just pretend a whole body of articles just never got published and blithely ignore it. Theology, as the erstwhile “Queen of the Sciences” is supposed to work the same way.

I obviously have no idea what the Synod Fathers’ personal reading habits are and I trust that they are all learned men in their own way, but for the most part, the progressives’ interventions (especially) read as if they are still in reaction-formation to the manualist moral theology tradition where everything comes down to how far the collection of arbitrary rules can be stretched while still coloring,  more or less, inside the lines. Much of what they write comes off as if they are completely ignorant of the last 40 years of theological reflection on the dignity of marriage and sexuality and the role both play in the universal call to holiness.  When Cardinal Kasper can say that “heroism is not for the average Christian” and then be lauded by other prominent church leaders as he proposes ideas for damning the faithful with the soft clericalism of low expectations something is puzzling at best.  Any proposals rooted in the idea that somehow the call to holiness isn’t universal cannot possibly be considered “spiritually rich.”  Why?  because such proposals would appear to not only be ignorant of the entire point of all St John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI’s writings on marriage and family (which were all about how marriage facilitates the Universal Call to Holiness) but they also stand in direct defiance of the entire point of Vatican II (which spelled out the idea of the Universal Call to Holiness in the first place).

Stop Insulting Married Couples

Why is this important?  Well, especially in light of the recent, historic, twin canonization of St. Louis and Zelie Martin (the first married couple canonized together)  the Synod Fathers really ought to be doing more to recognize the spiritual significance of  marriage as God’s “little way of holiness” for the masses.  God’s love for us is nuptial and God gives the world the gift of marriage to remind everyone of the kind of love he has in his heart for us; love that is free, total, faithful, and fruitful.  When people struggle to live out this reality in their marriages, we must do whatever we can to support and assist them on making these ideals a reality in their life.  But we can neither deny nor simply fudge the very existence of these ideals for anyone.  It is not merciful to simply say “Well, these ideals don’t apply to the likes of you poor, unwashed lay people.”  What it is is insulting and demeaning.

It’s Not About “The Rules”

The question isn’t “how close do we have to hew to the rules in order to still uphold a superficial sense of ‘Catholic marriage’ –whatever that is?”   Rather, the question SHOULD be, “What are the best ways we can articulate the incredible spiritual power of marriage to be an instrument of sanctification and a sign to the world or God’s free, total, and faithful love while simultaneously supporting those who struggle to live that witness?”

For the last 40 years, both St. John Paul II and Pope Benedict wrote A LOT of really thought-provoking stuff on these questions.  The fact that all of this writing seems to be being ignored is not only unbelievable, it also undermines the credibility of the Synod Fathers who seem to think so little of marriage and the family that they couldn’t be bothered to prepare to discuss the issues in the light of what’s been published on the topic in the last two generations.

To learn more about how YOU can experience all the joy of the Catholic vision of marriage, check out our book, Holy Sex! as well as the brand new, completely revised and expanded edition of For Better…FOREVER!