By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Dana and Andrew were at odds.  “We were raised very differently.” Dana explained. “Andrew’s folks were pretty laid back. I came from a very orderly home.”  Andrew chimed in. “Her family’s great–don’t get me wrong–but they’re kind of uptight. Lots of rules. I just think kids oughta be kids.”  Dana interrupted, “You just don’t have any idea what kids really need!”  “Hey!” said Andrew. “All I know is that’s the way I was raised and I turned out OK. You married me, didn’t you?”  Dana looked at me wearily, “See what I mean?”  Sound familiar? If so, you shouldn’t be surprised. Parenting disagreements remain one of the most frequent reasons couples cite for seeking marital counseling.  And there are countless others with similar problems who never get to the counselor’s office. If you and your spouse are ready to leave this old fight behind here are 4 tips to help you get over the hurdle.

1. Leave the cookie cutters in the kitchen.

Parenting is not a cookie cutter process.     In the end, it doesn’t matter what you read in that book, what your neighbors told you, or how your parents did it. Those tips may have worked great for the author’s kids, the neighbor’s kids, or for you as a child, but your child is a unique individual with unique needs who learns–you guessed it–uniquely. For each child you have, be prepared to parent differently, because each child is a different person. Other’s experience and the past can serve as reference points, but the present reality has to trump those rules of thumb. Leave the cookie cutter methods for making cookies.

2. Avoid Academic Arguments.

Many couples engage in academic arguments about “What kids need.”  For example;  “Kids need to have a pet to learn responsibility.” VS. “Kids shouldn’t have pets until they are more responsible.” “Kids need to clean their plates.” VS. “Kids need to be allowed to stop eating  when they want.”  “Kids need play dates for socialization.” VS. “Kids have too many play dates.  They need unstructured time.”  These discussions go no where because they have nothing to do with the reality of your family! Who cares what “kids” need? The real question is what do your children need? Generally speaking, is your child responsible? If so, then why worry about teaching him responsibility? Or, by contrast, if your child is not responsible, then why limit yourself to pets?     Unless you are hoping to prepare your child for a rewarding career in animal husbandry, wouldn’t it be good to focus more on compliance with chores, homework, and volunteering to help around the house regardless of the addition of pets?

Similarly, is your child undernourished? Then by all means, she should be encouraged to clean her plate. But if she is gaining weight and growing, what’s the problem? Likewise, is your child socially inept? If so, by all means, sign him up for more play dates. But if he already works and plays well with others, what are you arguing about?  My point is not to resolve these specific issues or make light of such concerns. My point is that many of the parenting “problems” that husbands and wives argue about have nothing to do with reality. They are not really parenting their children. They are merely arguing about the “best” way to play the parenting role with imaginary children irrespective of the family they actually have.

3. Identify specific goals.

Once you leave behind the false security of cookie-cutter parenting and stop pouring energy into academic arguments about imaginary children, you need a real plan. Don’t ask yourself, “What can we do to get these kids in line?” Ask instead, “What specific things does this child need to learn to be more responsible/respectful/ generous/etc?”          Does little Hedwig have a temper? Don’t just punish the outbursts, teach her what to do instead. Don’t know how? Start by asking yourself, “When Heddy is respectful, why? What is enabling her to be more respectful then? Why is she motivated to behave better? And specifically, what does she do that I like?” Then use these specific motivators and encourage these specific behaviors more often–or build upon what she already does well. Here’s another example. Does little Theophane have a hard time sharing his toys? Don’t just punish the lack of generosity. Recall the times he does share. Ask yourself why. What’s different then? And what skills does Theo need to apply that same behavior to the new situation? I can’t go into much more detail in the space we have, but I offer ample examples of how to do all this in Parenting with Grace: A Catholic Parent Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids. The point is that good behavior does not spontaneously erupt by punishing bad behavior any more than good math skills spontaneously erupt by punishing poor math skills.     Identify what your specific child needs to learn and what motivates that particular child. Then follow it through.

4. Know when to get help.

I know that in tip #1 (above) I said that you shouldn’t worry about what all the different “experts” said. You shouldn’t. But sometimes you and your mate are just too close to see the situation clearly. Remember that time the teacher said what a great kid you have? Or the waitress complimented your children on their politeness and you thought, “What kids are these people talking about?”  Avoid both degreed and self-appointed “experts” who spout platitudes about what “all kids need.” But do seek advice from those wise friends, and respected professionals who can help you see your children with fresh eyes and offer you new tools that are tailor to the unique needs of your unique child.

That’s a Wrap.

In short, forget what you think you know about parenting. Instead, you and your mate need to get to know the child you have in front of you right now, build a solid relationship with that child, develop a shared vision of the specific behaviors and values you want to see in your family, and ask yourselves what specific actions or techniques motivate each particular child to demonstrate those values and behaviors. If you’re still finding your house prone to domestic disputes of a disciplinary nature, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach  today and get the solutions to the issues you’re struggling with. Call us and get the skills you need to succeed in all your family and parenting endeavors.

By: Gregory Popcak

The University of Pittsburgh and the University of Michigan recently released the results of a study that showed that yelling at teens actually aggravated problematic behavior rather than extinguishing it.   Likewise, teens who were consistently yelled at had higher incidences of depression, school problems, lying, stealing and fighting than kids who did not experience “harsh verbal punishment.”  Researchers also found that the more parents yelled, the more they felt they needed to yell as the problem behaviors increased creating a vicious cycle of yelling begetting bad behavior which begat more yelling.   Most interestingly, the researchers also  found that a strong parent-child bond  did not  protect children or parents from the negative consequences of yelling  that  I listed  above.  In my experience, parents who yell often feel powerless.   They tend to threaten and have a less effective approach to applying consequences.     Often these parents will lift consequences once they no longer feel angry instead of letting the consequence stay in place until the child has demonstrated not just a change in immediate behavior, but a change of heart.       Here are 5 things parents can do that are more effective than yelling.

1.   Collect the child

When your teen  commits an offense, it is often because they have fallen out of rapport with you.   The result is that they either stop caring about offending you or fail, for some reason, to seek your advice before acting.     The first step in disciplining a child of any age—especially adolescence—is “collecting” him or her.   That is, quietly saying, “Come here.   Let’s talk.”   Followed by some display of physical affection.   Collecting the teen puts him or her in a place where he or she is now willing to hear what you are saying instead of simply reacting defensively to every word that comes out of your mouth.   It can be hard to remember to collect your teen when you’re angry, but this simple step can spell the difference between a compliant cooperative teen and WWIII.   Your choice.

2.   Seek to Understand.

Now that you’ve collected your child and he or  she is more receptive to your guidance, seek to understand  what your son or daughter was thinking when he or she committed the offense.   Don’t interrogate.   Ask, honestly and gently, with a sincere desire to understand your son or daughter’s intention.   Questions like, “What made you decide to do that?”   “What did you hope would happen when you decided to X?”   “What message were you trying to send?”   “What were you trying to accomplish by choosing Y?”   are good places to start.   Don’t accept, “I don’t know” as an answer.   Take a break if you need to, but let your child know that you deserve real answers that will enable you to help him or her do better next time.   And don’t let your kid off the hook until you get those answers.   (As an aside, if your teen consistently refuses to answer your questions or stalls interminably  with “I don’t know.”   That’s a clear sign counseling is probably indicated).

3.   Brainstorm Solutions

Now that you know the intention behind your teen’s behavior, it’s time to come up with other ways your child could meet that need.

*Was the intention behind your teen’s disrespect a flawed attempt at telling you she was angry?   What words should she use next time to convey her message?

*Did your son miss curfew because he lost track of time?   Perhaps he needs to set his phone  alarm in front of you before he goes out for the next few weeks to demonstrate that he will remember when he needs to go.

The goal of discipline is not so much punishment as it is to give the child the guidance, tools, and support he or she needs to succeed next time and the time after that.    Whenever possible, treat misbehavior as a learning experience more than a failure of character.    If you can go into disciplining your teen with the attitude that it is your job   to figure out how to improve future  compliance as opposed to merely demonstrating your frustration with them, you will be on the right track.

4.   Apply Consequences Appropriately.

Additional consequences are not always necessary but when they are, make sure they are not time-limited but behavior-limited.   For instance grounding a teen  ”for a week” usually means that the teen will wait out his week and then return to business as usual—bad behavior included.   That’s a waste of time and energy.  Instead, tell your son, “Because you came home late again, even after we talked about setting your phone alarm, you are grounded for at least a week. During that time you will show me that you are able to remember what I ask of you by doing chores without being reminded.   We will review your progress at the end of the week.   If you have been consistently thoughtful and attentive to our expectations, you will be released from grounding.   If not, you will be given another week of grounding to continue practicing being thoughtful and attentive.   And so on, and so on, until I see that you are trustworthy.”  See the difference?   With the latter arrangement, the teen’s behavioral change and change of heart is the key to his freedom, not the mere passage of time.

5.   Revisit and Revise the Plan as Necessary.

Adolescence is complicated.   New situations arise all the time that make old solutions obsolete.   If a plan you developed with your teen stops working, don’t get exasperated.     Repeat the steps above and develop a new plan that take into account the changed circumstances.   Teens will behave if they know that 1) you are committed to helping them succeed and 2) you are committed to helping them get whatever they think they need in the most godly and efficient way possible.   By contrast teens will misbehave when they feel like they can’t win and/or if they see you as an obstacle to getting their needs met.   Using the steps I’ve outlined here works better than yelling because it gets you and your kid on the same side of solving the problem and has you working together to develop a plan for future success instead of competing to see who can make the other more miserable.

For more ideas on how to raise godly teens, check out  Parenting with Grace:   A Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids. (2nd Ed.   revised and expanded)  or, if you need some personal support to help you get your relationship with your teens in order, contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach today. If necessary, we can refer you to the  a faithful Catholic therapist who can get your family life back on track. Call us to get the support and skills you need!