The latest edition of Tender Tidings e-magazine for Catholic parents is now available. Check it out!
What Happens in Vegas…Will Haunt Your Marriage Later. New Study Shows Pre-Marital Sex Decreases Marital Satisfaction.
The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia published a study called “Before ‘I Do'” and found that what couples do before they say ‘I do’ actually matters — and that premarital experiences from the past could end up haunting them long into marital bliss.
“What people do before marriage appears to matter,” stated Dr. Galena K. Rhoades and Dr. Scott M. Stanley in the 2014 study, saying that “how they conduct their romantic lives before they tie the knot is linked to their odds of having happy marriages.”
Rhoades, a Research Associate Professor in the Psychology Department at the University of Denver, and Dr. Scott, a Research Professor and Co-Director of the Center of Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, have spent their time researching relationship commitment and development, as well as related implications for family, children, and divorce.
Their findings lead to the conclusion that happy marriages could weigh on the balance of relationships past.
They found that those couples who partook in hooking up, premarital cohabitation, or even engaging in multiple sexual encounters with different people over the course of their lives would have a less likely chance of remaining in a happy marriage – if they even got married at all.
“What happens in Vegas – everything you do before settling down in marriage – may not stay there,” Rhoades and Stanley continued, saying that “those who have had more romantic experiences are more likely to have lower-quality marriages than those with a less complicated romantic history.”
About 90 percent of Americans have sex before marriage and on average, these Americans will have five sexual partners before settling down with “the one.” (READ MORE)
The good news is that regardless of your pre-marital history, God wants you to have a happy marriage and a healthy, vital, passionate post-marital sexual life. Marriage, as a sacrament, is capable of facilitating both healing and holiness. Even so, the more complicated your pre-marital history is, the harder you may need to work to overcome the bad habits you may have picked up along the way, bad habits that can block marital grace and undermine marital satisfaction and stability. Now, more than ever, couples need resources and support that can help them leave behind the world’s vision of love and sex and embrace a more godly vision; a vision that leads to real joy, deeper intimacy and true satisfaction.
No matter where you’ve been. No matter what you’ve done. God wants to give you the love your heart longs for. Will you let him?
In Celebration of His Feast Day: 8 Reasons St. Joseph is the “Guardian of the Redeemer”
In 1989, Pope St John Paul the Great published his Apostolic Exhortation on St Joseph called Guardian of the Redeemer (Redemptoris Custos). Here are 8 great quotes from that awesome document to help you celebrate the Feast of St Joseph (March 19).
1. “I am convinced that by reflection upon the way in which Mary’s spouse shared in the divine mystery, the Church—on the road towards the future with all humanity—will be enabled to discover ever anew her own identity within this redemptive plan, which is founded on the mystery of the incarnation.”
2. “He took loving care of Mary and gladly dedicated himself to Jesus Christ’s upbringing; he likewise watches over and protects Christ’s Mystical Body.”
3. “The [Incarnation is] the mystery in which Joseph of Nazareth “shared” (commuicavit) like no other human being except Mary…he shared in it with her; he was involved in the same salvific event; he was the guardian of the same love, through the power of which the eternal Father ‘destined us to be his sons through Jesus Christ (Eph 1:5).’”
4. “…while it is important for the Church to profess the virginal conception of Jesus, it is no less important to uphold Mary’s marriage to Joseph, because juridically Joseph’s fatherhood depends on it.”
5. “…whereas Adam and Eve were the source of evil, which was unleashed on the world, Joseph and Mary are the summit from which holiness spreads over the earth. The Saviour began the work of salvation out of this virginal and sacred union”
6. “‘Joseph took his wife, but he knew her not until she had borne a son’ (Matt 1:24-25). These words indicate another kind of closeness in marriage. The deep spiritual closeness arising from marital union and the interpersonal contact between man and woman have their definite origins in the Spirit, the Giver of Life (see John 6:63). Joseph in obedience to the Spirit, found in the Spirit, the source of love, the conjugal love which he experienced as man. And this love proved to be greater that this “just man” could ever have expected within the limits of his human heart.”
7. “The growth of Jesus “in wisdom and stature” (Luke 2:52) took place within the Holy Family under the eyes of Joseph, who had the important task of “raising” Jesus, that is, feeding, clothing and educating him in the Law and in a trade, in keeping with the duties of a father.”
8. “St Joseph is the model of those humble ones that Christianity raises up to great destinies…he is the proof that in order to be a good and genuine follower of Christ, there is no need to do great things it is enough to have the common, simple and human virtues, but they need to be true and authentic”
Pretty cool, right? Go check out the rest!
On St. Joseph’s Feast Day, 15 Reasons Dads Matter (#15 Will Shock You!)
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St. Joseph is the Patron of Fathers and in honor St Joseph’s Feast Day today (March 19th), I thought it would be good to take some time to remind us all how important dads are. Check out these great dad facts! (Teaser: I saved the most surprising fact for last!)
1. Fathers’ interaction with babies (engaging in cognitively stimulating activities, emotional warmth, physical care) reduced their infants’ chances of experiencing cognitive delay
2. Children whose fathers are involved in rearing them (“sensitive and responsive fathering”) fare better on cognitive tests and in language ability than those with less responsive or involved fathers.
3. Fathers who are involved in their children’s schools and academic achievement, regardless of their own educational level, are increasing the chances their child will graduate from high school, and perhaps go to vocational school, or even to college.
4. A fathers’ involvement in children’s school activities protects at-risk children from failing or dropping out.
5. Positive father involvement decreased boys’ problem behaviors (especially boys with more challenging temperaments) and better mental health for girls.
6. Fathers who are more involved with their children tend to raise children who experience more success in their career.
7. Fathers being involved in their children’s lives protects against risk factors that pose harm for children (such as problematic behavior, maternal depression and family economic hardship).
8. Father involvement is associated with promoting children’s social and language skills.
9. Involved fathering is related to lower rates of child problem behaviors, including hyperactivity, as well as reduced teen violence, delinquency, and other problems with the law.
10. Father involvement is associated with positive child characteristics such as increased: empathy, self-esteem, self-control, feelings of ability to achieve, psychological well-being, social competence, life skills, and less sex-stereotyped beliefs.
11. Children in foster care who have involved fathers are more likely to be reunited with their families and experience shorter stays in foster homes.
12. Children who grow up in homes with involved fathers are more likely to take an active and positive role in raising their own families. For example, fathers who recall a secure, loving relationship with both parents are more involved in the lives of their infants and more supportive to their wives.
13. Both men and women who remember having loving, supportive fathers had high life satisfaction and self-esteem.
14. Educational programs that successfully increased father involvement produced positive changes in children’s behavior.
15. Most importantly, when it comes to passing our faith and values on to our kids it is critical for fathers to take the lead. When mom and dad are regular churchgoers, 33% of their children will be regular churchgoers and 41% will at least attend irregularly. BUT SHOCKINGLY WHEN DAD ALONE IS A CHURCHGOER, FAITH RETENTION RATE ARE EVEN HIGHER! It turns out 38% of children with irregular churchgoing mothers but active fathers grow up to attend church regularly and 44% of children with non-active churchgoing moms but faithful dads grow up to go to church regularly.
Obviously that doesn’t mean moms shouldn’t go to church with their families, but it does mean that the more committed and active dads are, the more likely it is that the children will follow his lead with regard to faith and values even when mom isn’t involved. By contrast, if the father is an irregular churchgoer and the mother regular, only 3 percent of the children will subsequently become regulars themselves, while a further 59 percent will become irregulars. Thirty-eight percent will be lost. LIKEWISE if the father is non-practicing and mother regular, only 2 percent of children will become regular worshipers, and 37 percent will attend irregularly. Over 60 percent of their children will be lost completely to the church!
The bottom line? Dads matter. A lot. For more thoughts on ways to be a great, involved, faithful dad, check out Parenting with Grace (especially our “Dad’s Da Man!” chapter) and Then Comes Baby (especially our chapters on involved fatherhood). And Happy Feast of St. Joseph!
(Facts gathered from: Bronte-Tinkew et al., 2008; Chang et al., 2008; Flouri, 2008; Lamb & Lewis, 2004; Lamb & Tamis-Lemonda, 2004; Pleck & Masciadrelli, 2004; Sarkadi et al., 2008; Haug & Warner, 2000)
Thanks for the Mammaries: Prolonged Breastfeeding Impacts Intelligence to Age 30, Says Lancet.
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The link between prolonged breastfeeding and intelligence is well-established but this study, published in the esteemed British medical journal, The Lancet, is the first to show just how long the advantages given to children through extended nursing continues to impact their development.
“Our study provides the first evidence that prolonged breastfeeding not only increases intelligence until at least the age of 30 years but also has an impact both at an individual and societal level by improving educational attainment and earning ability. What is unique about this study is the fact that, in the population we studied, breastfeeding was not more common among highly educated, high-income women, but was evenly distributed by social class. Previous studies from developed countries have been criticized for failing to disentangle the effect of breastfeeding from that of socioeconomic advantage, but our work addresses this issue for the first time….”
This was huge, very well-designed study examining 3500 newborns over the course of 30 years.
“….While the study showed increased adult intelligence, longer schooling, and higher adult earnings at all duration levels of breastfeeding, the longer a child was breastfed for (up to 12 months), the greater the magnitude of the benefits. For example, an infant who had been breastfed for at least a year gained a full four IQ points (about a third of a standard deviation above the average), had 0.9 years more schooling (about a quarter of a standard deviation above the average), and a higher income of 341 reais per month (equivalent to about one third of the average income level) at the age of 30 years, compared to those breastfed for less than one month.” READ THE WHOLE ARTICLE
In Parenting with Grace and its companion for parents of infants and toddlers, Then Comes Baby, my wife and I show how the Theology of the Body reveals God’s plan for parenting. Pope St John Paul the Great taught that by studying and prayerfully reflecting on God’s design of the body we could learn a great deal about his plan for relationships. The more we are willing to learn from the theology of our biology, the more we are able to receive all the benefits God wants to give us that enable us to live life as a gift. Extraordinarily well-designed studies like this give empirical weight to the theological claims made by Pope St John Paul the Great. By opening their hearts to both the Theology of the Body and the science that reveals the theology of our biology, we can give our children all the gifts God wants to convey to them through us and enable them to grow into men and women who can glorify God in every aspect of their lives.
Hugs Can’t Fix Anxiety Caused by Physical Punishment, Study Shows.
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A new study by Duke University published in the Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology shows that being loving after administering corporal punishment tends not to ease a child’s anxiety and may, in fact, make it worse.
A loving mom can’t overcome the anxiety and aggression caused by corporal punishment, and her otherwise warm demeanor may make it worse, according to research led by Duke University that was recently published in the Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology….[Researchers] interviewed more than 1,000 children and their mothers, from eight different countries, asking about levels of physical punishment and also about anxiety and aggressive behavior on the part of the children.
“…Generally, childhood anxiety actually gets worse when parents are very loving alongside using corporate punishment,” she wrote. The researchers aren’t sure why, but she said it might be “simply too confusing and unnerving for a child to be hit hard and loved warmly all in the same home.” READ MORE
The article goes on to say, “It’s far more effective and less risky to use nonphysical discipline,” Janet Lansbury, a Los Angeles parent educator, told the Deseret News recently for a story on effective nonphysical discipline. “Discipline means ‘to teach,’ not ‘punishment.’ “
This is actually the position Lisa and I take in Parenting with Grace. The ways most parents approach discipline just makes their work harder. Good behavior doesn’t spontaneously erupt when bad behavior is sufficiently punished. If children are misbehaving, it is either because they don’t have the skills to behave properly in that context OR they don’t have the ability to access those skills in that situation for some reason. In Parenting with Grace, we show parents how gentle, skill-building techniques enable them to both set higher standards and achieve those standards more easily than they would be able to with more physical/punitive approaches to discipline.
The bottom line is that the more parents use methods that respect the dignity of the child, the integrity of the parent-child relationship, and that teach skills as opposed to punishing missteps, the happier parents and children are, the healthier their family life will be, and the more well-behaved their children will ultimately become.