Six More Tools for Your Parenting Tool Box

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In a recent post, we looked at the first six practices in Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Discipleship Discipline Toolbox: rituals and routines, collecting, team-building, catching kids being good, virtue-prompting, and do-overs.

Each of these tools are ways that parents can practice Discipleship Discipline, the authoritative (not authoritarian!) approach to discipline inspired by St. John Bosco’s “Preventitive Method.” In this approach, parents focus on teaching kids how to be virtuous. Instead of taking on the role of police officer and judge, enforcing rules and handing out punishments, Discipleship Discipline parents take on the role of a good coach who helps the child to not only follow the rules of the game, but to develop the skills needed to play at the top of her game. (For more about Discipleship Discipline, see “Why Discipleship Discipline Helps Kids and Parents Thrive” and “To Raise Healthy, Happy, Holy Kids, Start with a Game of Catch.”)

Now, let’s look at the next six tools: rehearsing, time-ins, emotional temperature taking, time outs (done right), sibling revelry, and logical consequences.

7. Rehearsing & Reviewing

When kids repeatedly struggle in the same situations, parents often resort to nagging or scolding. But as the Popcaks remind us, “telling kids to do something differently rarely works.”

That’s where rehearsing (or for teens, reviewing) can be helpful. Rehearsing means practicing good behavior before the problem arises again.

For instance, if your children ran wild during the last grocery trip, you don’t just hope for better behavior next time. Instead, you come up with a plan (e.g., your kids will hold your hand or the side of the cart). You walk through the plan with them, and even practice in the parking lot before going in.

Teens don’t necessarily need the same physical rehearsal of good behavior, but they still need your help thinking through a plan for how to handle a challenging situation better in the future. If your teenager ends up drinking at a party, for example, you might impose a meaning­ful consequence. But you would also help him do better in the future by talking through how things went wrong and making a plan for avoiding or negotiating that situation going forward.

Rehearsing and reviewing isn’t about compromising your expectations for your kids’ behavior. Instead, it’s about giving them the strategies and skills they need to meet those expectations.

8. Time-In

When kids are overwhelmed by stress or even excitement, they become dysregulated. In other words, they literally lose access to their brain’s self-control systems. The result: meltdowns, disrespect, and other poor behavior.

A time-in counters this by engaging the child warmly, often with touch, listening, and empathy. Unlike the better-known time out, a time-in brings parent and child closer together. It’s a chance to reconnect, regulate emotions, and then move forward peacefully. Time-ins can be short and simple: taking a child on your lap to let them calm down, talking through their feelings while rubbing their back, or planning special one-on-one time when they seem “off”: doing a project together, going for a walk, or eating out, for instance. The time-in might include some shared problem-solving, too (see “Team-Building”).

Parents often resist this strategy because they view it as rewarding bad behavior. But time-ins are really about refilling your child’s “emotional gas tank” so they have the resources to regulate their behavior again.

9. Emotional Temperature-Taking

Parents often say their kids go from “zero to 100” in seconds. But children often show warning signs long before a full-blown meltdown. The Popcaks encourage parents to learn their child’s “emotional temperature,” a scale from 1 to 10 that measures how regulated (or dysregulated) they are based on behavioral cues.

At a 1–3, your child is calm, affectionate, and capable of cheerful obedience. At a 6 or 7, stress chemicals are rising; you may notice fidgeting, sighing, or eye-rolling. By 9 or 10, the filters are gone: tantrums, hostility, or withdrawal take over.

The gift of this tool is awareness. By noticing signs at a 6 or 7, you can step in with collecting or a quick time-in before things unravel. Kids can also be taught to monitor their own “temperature,” giving them language to say, “I’m at a 7 — I need a hug or a break.” This helps kids build lifelong emotional intelligence.

10. Time-Outs (Making Them Work)

Simply sending a child to their room is not discipline; it’s isolation, and it rarely produces lasting change. A proper time-out is not a punishment, but an opportunity to reset and practice doing better.

Time-outs should not be your first-line strategy; rather, this approach should only be used when kids are at an 8 or above on the emotional temperature scale. When done properly, timeouts follow a clear process:

  1. Attempt collecting first. If your child is at an 8 or above on the emotional temperature scale, they may resist regulation. At that point, you can explain that a time-out is a chance to calm down.
  2. Escort them to a quiet, safe spot. No toys, no devices, not their bedroom. The goal isn’t entertainment but space for regulation.
  3. After the time is up, check in to see whether your child is self-regulated (at a 5 or less on the emotional temperature scale) — don’t let them “release themselves.”
  4. Finally, take a moment for learning and skill-building. The child names what went wrong, apologizes sincerely, identifies a better choice, and rehearses it with you.

Throughout this process, the parent calmly frames the time-out as the break both parent and child needs in order to figure out how to work things out together.

11. Sibling Revelry

Sibling conflicts can leave parents feeling like constant referees. Instead of endlessly deciding “who started it,” the Popcaks recommend teaching kids how to reconcile through what they call “sibling revelry.” Here’s how it works: first, use virtue-prompting — “What would be the generous or respectful way to handle this?” If the conflict escalates and collecting or time-ins do not help, send both chil­dren to a time-out with the assignment to think about what they personally could have done to make the situation better.

After the time is up, check in with each child separately to see whether they can name how they could have made the situation better.

When they can do this, bring them back together to admit what they did wrong (with no qualifica­tions), apologize sincerely, state how they will do better, and role-play the healthier response. Finally, end with a group hug.

This method avoids blame games and teaches siblings that they always have the power to make things better, even when they are feeling frustrated.

12. Logical Consequences

The final tool in the Popcaks’ toolbox is logical consequences. Logical conse­quences are not punishments. Punishments impose pain on a child in the hope that if they suffer enough for bad behavior, they will magically learn to how to self-regulate and behave virtuously.

By contrast, logical consequences flow directly from the misbehavior and lead to the desired appropriate behavior. Further, they give kids a chance to practice the virtues and skills they need to do better in the future.

For example, if a teen keeps flouting his parents’ expectation for not using his phone during family time, the parents might take his phone privilege away for a week. During that week, his parents guide him in practicing the virtues that he would need in order to do better — in this case, showing love and respect for his family.

Other examples include practicing morning routines on Saturdays if a child struggles to get ready on school days, or redoing sloppy homework under a parent’s supervision. The key is consistency and clarity: privileges return only when the child shows they’re ready to handle them responsibly.

Logical consequences don’t punish. They create a structure that builds the very skills kids need for long-term success.

Shepherding with Love

These six tools — rehearsing, time-ins, emotional temperature-taking, time-outs, sibling revelry, and logical consequences — equip parents to lead their children as loving shepherds, not drill sergeants. Discipline done this way doesn’t just correct bad behavior. It strengthens attachment, builds virtue, and shows children that they are loved even when they struggle.

For the full set of tools and more practical guidance, pick up a copy of Parenting Your Kids with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support in your parenting journey, consider joining the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

Family Prayer Doesn’t Need to be Complicated

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Do you want to pray more as a family but struggle to make it happen? If so, you’re not alone. A 2015 study by the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) and Holy Cross Family Ministries found that only 17 percent of Catholic families ever pray together regularly.

The parents gave lots of different reasons for not praying together with family members: busy schedules, lack of shared beliefs, and not knowing how, among other reasons.

Whatever might be preventing your family from praying more together, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have two messages for you. First, praying together as a family will not only Strengthen your whole family’s relationship with God, but with one another as well. And second, developing a regular habit of praying together may not be as difficult as you think.

In fact, family prayer often works best when it is simple, heartfelt, and woven into the natural flow of your day, the Popcaks said in a recent video presentation to parish groups exploring the CatholicHŌM program.

 Here are a few tips for getting started.

1. Adjust Your Image of What Family Prayer Can Be

Often, the biggest impediment to families praying together is our image of what it necessarily looks like. If we imagine that family prayer needs to be:

  •       long and quiet
  •       formal or rote
  •       a certain form of prayer (e.g., the rosary, shared intentions)

…then it might feel difficult to pull off, or alternatively, not worth the trouble.

But as the Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, at its most fundamental, prayer is really about being in the presence of God (#2565). The Catechism describes it as a “relationship,” a “conversation,” or “a close sharing between friends” (#2709).

Understanding this broad definition of prayer opens up lots of possibilities. It also gives families permission to enter into relationship with God in a way that makes the most sense for their particular situation.

While many parents aspire to prayer that looks a lot like what happens in a monastery, seminary, or adoration chapel, family spirituality isn’t so much about withdrawing from the world in order to be with God as much as it is about bringing Christ into the world.

Dr. Greg calls this an “incarnational” spirituality: “We don’t have to pretend that our family is any less messy or busy or crazy than it normally is,” he said. “We just have to bring God into whatever it is, because bringing God into even the messiest situation or the busiest situation or the most frustrating situation enables it to be a moment of holiness.”

That’s the good news: prayer with kids doesn’t have to be polished. It simply needs to bring God into the everyday.

2. Create Routines for Family Prayer

One of the first steps toward making family prayer happen is to make it a routine by setting aside one or more times to pray together every day.

The Popcaks suggest starting with three touchpoints most families already have:

  1. Morning Prayer. Don’t worry—this isn’t about adding 20 minutes to your already crazy mornings. It can be as simple as blessing your child when you wake them up: “Lord, bless my child. Be with them in their worries and joys today.” Over time, even little ones can learn to bless you back. Or, alternatively, if everyone is rushing out the door, gather for just two minutes in the hallway before the day begins. “However you do it, the point is that you want to give the day to God: bringing your thanks to him, bringing your concerns to him, and asking him to help you be the family he wants you to be,” Dr. Greg said.
  2. Mealtime Prayer. Make it a habit to pause for prayer before you begin to eat, the Popcaks say. You can use a formal meal blessing, if you like—but then, incorporate a less formal “check in” prayer, too. “Say, ‘Thank you, God, for the blessings so far in the day’—and you can name a few if you’d like—‘and please help us with the rest of our day,’ and name a few of the things you need help with,” Lisa said.
  3. Bedtime Prayer. There are many options for bedtime prayer: you can read a short passage from a children’s Bible, pray for your concerns, and pray for one another. Bedtime prayers can be especially powerful when they are “cuddly,” reminding children that prayer is both comforting and relational. As Greg says, “The very first faith stage is what we call the cuddly stage of faith, where children learn that it feels good to be in God’s presence.”

Whatever your particular style of prayer looks like, be sure to model conversational prayer—that “close sharing between friends,” as St. Theresa of Avila called it—that builds your family’s closeness with God.

Offer ‘Micro-Prayers’ Throughout the Day

If prayer is the way we nurture our friendship with God, then it is only natural to come to God in prayer throughout the day, not just at set times.

“Don’t just relegate God to specific times of the day,” Dr. Greg said. “Make sure you’re bringing him with you throughout the day, because that’s a really key component of making sure that Christ is the most important part of our family.”

These micro prayers don’t have to be a big production—in fact, they might be just a few seconds long.

“It’s 10 seconds, but you’re bringing God into the good moments, and the difficult moments, and the times where you need help,” Dr. Greg said. “You’re creating a habit of developing a relationship with God throughout the day.”

Some examples of micro-prayers include:

  • Thank Jesus for small blessings (“Thank you, Lord, for a beautiful day”).
  • Call on him in struggles (“Lord, please help my daughter feel better”).
  • Offer thanks for moments of joy (“Thank you, Jesus, for that parking spot near the door”).

These short prayers teach children to talk to God throughout the day and form a lifelong habit of prayer, Lisa Popcak said. “So when they’re out on their own, as schoolchildren, as teenagers, as adults, they have that ingrained in them. When they have a great time, a blessing, or a harder time, they too will develop that idea of, ‘I’m just talking to God all day long.’”

Take Things Deeper with Formal Prayer

In addition to conversational prayer, families should also introduce the Church’s formal prayers. Ending your morning or bedtime prayer with an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be connects family life to the wider Church and helps us to explore new dimensions of our relationship with God that we wouldn’t necessarily bring up on our own.

“All these formal prayers enable me to take my conversational prayer life deeper, but they assume that there is a conversational prayer life to take deeper,” Dr. Greg said. “Because if we just use formal prayers in the place of a heartfelt prayer, we never learn to have a personal relationship with Christ, which is critically important.”

You don’t need to stick with basic prayers, either. The Church has a vast library of prayers in its liturgical tradition, not to mention the prayers of the saints. Try praying the Magnificat, for example, or St. Theresa’s Bookmark, or the Lorica of St. Patrick. You can try out Saint Ignatius’ daily examen or imaginative prayer methods, or use one of the many resources available to explore a kid-friendly version of Lectio Divina. It’s good for kids to see that there are many ways of connecting with God!

Take the Next Step

Family prayer doesn’t require perfection, only intention. As Dr. Greg said, “There’s no wrong way to pray as long as you’re carving out regular time for it, and you’re being intentional and heartfelt about it.”

Want more guidance, encouragement, and practical tools for praying as a family? Explore the CatholicHŌM program, where you’ll find professional coaching, thriving community, and a library of resources to make faith the source of warmth in your home. And if your parish is interested in hosting an in-person CatholicHŌM parish group, reach out at hello@catholichom.com.

The Blueprint for Joy: Lessons from St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body

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The Theology of the Body reminds us that we were created for joy. St. John Paul II taught that God designed our bodies—and our very humanity—to reveal His love. When we live according to that design, joy naturally flows from our hearts. But it’s important to understand that joy and happiness, while related, aren’t the same thing.

Happiness is a feeling. It depends on circumstances—on whether life is comfortable or things seem to be going our way. It’s that temporary state of satisfaction that says, “Things feel good right now.” Joy, on the other hand, is something deeper and more enduring. It’s a Fruit of the Spirit that gives us the inner assurance that, no matter what is happening, God is present and working for our good. As the Christian mystic Julian of Norwich beautifully wrote, “All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”

Dr. Greg explains it this way: “Happiness depends on what’s happening to us. Joy depends on what’s happening in us. Joy is rooted in knowing that, in good times and bad, God is working for our good.” The more we can look at our life and say, “I see what God’s brought me out of. I see where God’s brought me now, and I see what God is bringing me next,” the more joyful we become.
So how do we cultivate that kind of joy—the kind that lasts through good times and bad? Theology of the Body offers a roadmap: a life rooted in meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue.

Meaningfulness—what St. John Paul called “the law of the gift”—is the commitment to use everything we’ve been given to make a positive difference in our circumstances and in the lives of those around us. In Gaudium et Spes, he wrote that “man… cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” In other words, when we stop living just for comfort and start living for love, joy takes root.

Intimacy is about building what John Paul described as a “community of love.” It means cooperating with God’s grace to make all our relationships healthy, honest, and holy—from our marriages and families to our friendships and workplaces. Joy grows wherever genuine connection and self-giving love flourish.

Finally, virtue is our commitment to use everything that happens to us—good and bad—as an opportunity to become the whole, healed, godly, grace-filled person God sees when He looks at us. St. John Paul called virtue “the power to love rightly.” It’s what enables us to meet every challenge with the confidence that God’s grace can transform it into an opportunity for growth.
“Joy,” Dr. Greg says, “isn’t something we chase directly. It’s the natural result of daily asking, ‘Lord, how are you calling me to pursue meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue right now?’” That simple question allows us to discover the divine blueprint for joy that God has written into every human heart.

Modern research beautifully supports this Catholic vision of joy. A Harvard study on adult development found that strong, loving relationships—not wealth or success—are the single greatest predictor of long-term happiness and joy. Similarly, a Pew Research report shows that people who describe their lives as “meaningful” through faith and service score far higher on emotional well-being than those focused primarily on pleasure. And a Psychology Today feature notes that cultivating gratitude and purpose literally rewires our brains, strengthening the neural pathways that sustain joy even in hardship.

The world tells us to chase happiness. The Gospel—and the Theology of the Body—invite us to live for joy: a joy that endures, that deepens with love, and that reflects the very life of God within us.

When we root our days in meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue, we don’t just find fleeting pleasure. We discover the steady, unshakable joy of knowing that, truly, “All shall be well.”

If you would like to discover more meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue in your life and relationships, reach out to a Pastoral Counselor today at CatholicCounselors.com.

Six Tools for Your Discipleship Discipline Toolbox

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When most parents think of “discipline,” they think of punishments: taking away privileges, sending kids to their rooms, or maybe scolding them into behaving better.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak say in their book Parenting Your Kids with Grace, discipline isn’t about punishment. It’s about teaching.

“Children don’t learn anything … because someone tells them to do it (or punishes them for not doing it),” the Popcaks write. “They learn because someone reviewed the expectations clearly ahead of time and then provided the structure, support, and practice the child needs to succeed.”

This is the heart of Discipleship Discipline: helping kids grow in virtue through “reason, religion, and loving-kindness,” the three core principles of St. John Bosco’s “Preventive Method” of discipline that the Popcaks have adapted into the Discipleship Discipline approach.

Earlier in this series of articles about Discipleship Discipline, we compared it to other discipline strategies and explained that this type of discipline has been shown to have better outcomes for kids and parents. We also discussed the importance of strong, secure parent-child relationships for the success of any discipline strategy.

Now that we have those foundations, let’s look at some of the most important “tools,” or strategies, in the Discipleship Discipline “toolbox.” In this post, we’ll introduce the first six of these tools.

1. Rituals and Routines

Family rituals are more than nice habits — they are daily “catechisms” in Christian living. By intentionally working, playing, talking, and praying together, parents model how to live balanced, godly lives. That might look like cleaning up the kitchen together after meals, having family story time, or blessing one another before bed.

Routines are equally important. Consistent morning and bedtime patterns, or predictable ways of handling chores, create a “current” that carries the family through daily life with less stress. Instead of fighting about what should happen, kids learn, “That’s just the way it is in our house.”

2. Collecting

Too often, parents shout instructions from another room and then get frustrated when kids don’t follow through. Collecting helps avoid that cycle. Before giving an instruction, parents “collect” their child by going to them, engaging warmly, and ensuring they’re truly listening.

That might mean kneeling down, making eye contact, offering a gentle touch, and saying, “Hey buddy, I need you to….” Parents also check for obstacles, have the child repeat back the instruction, and encourage them as they begin the task. This simple practice takes a minute or two, but it prevents the meltdowns that often come from barking orders.

3. Team-Building

Every family has “rough patches” in the day — after school, before bed, during chores. Instead of treating these times as inevitable chaos, team-building invites everyone to work together. Parents gather the family, name the problem, and ask, “How can we take better care of one another during this time?”

Kids are more cooperative when they help create the solution. If the 90 minutes right after school are consistently chaotic, for example, the whole family might gather together to agree on a routine. Part of that discussion might include checking in with each other to ask what that person needs most during that time of day—time alone, a snack, a hug, a listening ear? The result of this team-building exercise will be a calmer, more connected household — not because Mom or Dad cracked the whip, but because the family became a team.

4. Catch Them Being Good

It’s easy to focus on what kids are doing wrong. But discipline becomes more effective when we notice what they’re doing right. The Popcaks urge parents to “catch them being good.”

That might mean saying, “I really like the way you’re sharing with your sister,” or, “You really plowed through that homework assignment, even when you got frustrated—you really are persistent!” These small moments of affirmation light up a child’s heart, reinforce virtues like responsibility and kindness, and remind them that their efforts are seen and valued. Far from spoiling kids, encouragement builds their confidence and generosity.

5. Virtue-Prompting

When kids are frustrated, parents often slip into convincing, lecturing, or even arguing. Virtue-prompting takes a different approach. Instead of telling kids what to do, you ask: “What do you think the generous thing to do would be?” or “How could you say that in a more respectful way?”

By prompting kids to name the virtue themselves, parents help them shift from emotional reactivity to moral reflection. Over time, children learn to approach problems not just by avoiding trouble, but by actively seeking virtue.

6. Do-Overs

Do-overs give kids a chance to try again when their first attempt fell short. Whether they’ve spoken disrespectfully or rushed through a chore, parents calmly say, “Let’s try that again, with your best effort and a respectful tone.”

This practice avoids both nagging and punishment. Instead, it communicates confidence that the child can do better — and teaches that what matters isn’t just checking off a task, but doing it with love and integrity.

Building Peaceful, Virtuous Homes

Each of these six tools helps parents guide their children without yelling, bribing, or punishing. More importantly, they strengthen the parent–child bond — the real foundation of Discipleship Discipline. By using rituals and routines, collecting, team-building, catching kids being good, virtue-prompting, and do-overs, you’re not just managing behavior. You’re raising competent, caring children who know how to love, cooperate, and grow in virtue.

For more practical tools like these, pick up a copy of Parenting Your Kids with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support in your parenting journey, consider joining the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.