Surprise, Surprise! How to Handle the Unexpected with Grace

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Gina’s mother-in-law had never been kind to her or to her four teenagers during the eighteen years that Gina and her husband had been married. In fact, she’d been downright cold, critical, and antagonistic.

Now, she wanted to move in with the family.

Gina’s husband explained that his mother thought the arrangement would be a win-win: she would get the support she needed after her husband’s death, and the family would benefit from her financial contribution.

“I’m panicking and don’t know what to do,” Gina wrote in a note to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. Her husband had told her to “sit with it” until the weekend, when they would discuss it.

Most of us can identify with Gina’s panic. When life throws the unexpected at us, suddenly we’re flooded, reactive, grasping for solid ground. That can be true whether the surprise is painful (a medical diagnosis, a job loss, a relationship that ruptures without warning, a family member’s bad choices) or more positive (your son’s engagement, an unexpected pregnancy, a child accepted to a college halfway across the country).

Good or bad, the ball is now in our court, and we have to decide how we will respond.

Why Unexpected Change Hijacks Us

In that recent episode of More2Life, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak explored why sudden change is so hard to handle — and what Catholics can do about it.

The problem starts in the body. “Anytime something sudden and unexpected happens, we go into that headspace where we’re the antelope and we have to outrun the lion,” Lisa Popcak explained. “We get flooded with all these panic chemicals that are supposed to help us survive.”

In a genuine emergency, that flood of adrenaline is exactly what we need. But in human relationships, those chemicals can be more of a problem than a help. We get snarly and snappy with people in our family, or we make sudden, panic-driven decisions instead of prayerful, thought-out decisions.

“That’s part of the human experience,” Lisa continued. “But as Catholics, we have a host of resources. We can do things differently in ways that can help us and connect us to our best self, to God, and to the people who care about us.”

God Doesn’t Send Chaos, but Redeems It

The Popcaks explained that instead of responding to stressful surprises reactively, God calls us to respond with receptivity.

When we are reactive, we let those stress hormones and our internal “scripts” drive our response.

Receptivity, by contrast, involves an active openness to God’s grace and guidance, especially in difficult moments. You might feel panicked, but when you choose to be receptive, you pause that panic reaction long enough to ask God what he wants you to do next.

In order to be receptive to God in such a stressful moment, we need to trust that he has our back. The Popcaks offered Proverbs 19:21 as a touchstone for that trust: “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

This verse is often associated with the popular sentiment that “everything happens for a reason,” implying that God is somehow the author of our troubles.

“Bad things especially don’t ‘happen for a reason,’” Dr. Popcak said. “Bad things happen because we live in an evil world, and evil is chaos.”

But that’s not the end of the story. “We need to remember that God is working to restore the perfect order he created at the beginning of time,” Dr. Popcak said. “What we’re going through isn’t meaningless. Even in the middle of difficult times, God wants to show us how to respond to what we’re going through in a way that helps us to become the people he created us to be, and to work for the good of those around us.”

Three Steps Toward Handling Surprises with Grace

So how, practically, do we move from panic to prayerful receptivity? The Popcaks offered these three steps.

1. Pause for prayer

First, try praying for God’s guidance: “Lord, how can we respond to this situation in a way that will glorify you, help me be my best self, and bring out the best in the people around me?”

Notice what this prayer does not ask for: the outcome we want, the vindication we feel we deserve, or a quick exit from the discomfort. It asks for grace to respond well—which shifts the center of gravity from our anxiety to God’s wisdom.

“That prayer is critical, and that should be at the tip of your tongue all the time while you’re going through something,” Dr. Popcak said, “because that’s how we extend our hand to God, so that he can take that hand and walk us through the challenge.”

2. Identify the goal God is placing on your heart

Once you’ve brought the situation to God, the next step is to listen for a direction — even an incomplete one.

“As we listen in prayer, we need to identify the goal that God is placing on our heart,” Dr. Popcak explained.

We may not immediately be sure what that goal looks like in our specific situation. Still, we need to stay attuned to the template God provides us in his plan of salvation.

3. Practice receptivity every day

Finally, while we wait for the bigger picture to become clear, Dr. Popcak says we need a third question to pray through daily: “Lord, how can I address the things that are in front of me today in a manner that leads to more meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue?”

In this prayer, we ask God to show us one small step we can take towards the realization of his plan for us. We don’t need to have the full picture in place before acting in faith. We just need to let God lead us to take the next step.

From Panic to Peace

For Gina, moving from panic to prayerful receptivity might reveal options beyond the binary choice of saying “yes” or “no” to her desire to move in with the family.

Instead, Dr. Popcak suggested it might mean having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with her mother-in-law, one that names the core concern (a sour relationship is unlikely to improve in closer quarters) in a charitable way. Rather than regarding that honesty as a rejection, it might actually open the door to other, more realistic possibilities for healing and re-building the relationship while taking care of everyone’s needs.

“This is about you making the decisions prayerfully and intentionally with your husband about what’s going to help you all be your best, including your mother-in-law,” he advised.

Whatever your own “unexpected surprise” looks like, responding with a heart that is receptive to God’s plan will lead you from panic to peace.

For a deeper dive into finding God’s purpose when life takes an unexpected turn, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, The Life God Wants You to Have: Discovering the Divine Plan When Human Plans Fail. And for more one-on-one support in handling life’s unexpected challenges with confidence and grace, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Is Suffering Always the Holiest Choice? Not Necessarily.

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Here are a few fun facts, courtesy of marketing expert Rory Sutherland:

  • Even though Coke Zero and Diet Coke both offer zero calories, many people prefer Diet Coke. Why? Because it tastes slightly bitter rather than sweet, leading people to believe it is the true “diet” beverage.
  •  Household insecticides are often formulated to smell bad so consumers will perceive them as more effective.
  • Certain items (like wine) actually sell better at a higher price.

The weird psychological myth that leads people to believe that “the worst thing is actually the best thing” is all very good for marketers like Sutherland.

But when Catholics buy into this myth in their spiritual lives, the consequences can be disastrous, says pastoral counselor, Jacob Popcak.

The Suffering-Is-Always-Good Myth

Jacob Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, sees this pattern in some of his clients. Faced with some problem — a chronic medical condition, unhealthy relationships, unfulfilling work — they believe that the faithful response is to patiently endure the situation rather than taking action to make a positive change. They see quietly enduring the problem as “carrying their cross,” whereas making a positive change — setting healthy boundaries, looking for another job, accepting medical help — feels selfish.

“That’s not mysticism, that’s masochism,” Jacob explained on a recent episode of More2Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak.

Yes, the cross is central to authentic Christian faith, and Catholics believe in the possibility of redemptive suffering. But here’s the key: Jesus didn’t suffer and die on the cross for the sake of suffering and death; he did it to achieve a much greater good.

“Suffering, as Aquinas tells us, for its own sake is not a good,” he said. It may be something we encounter on the path to greater virtue or deeper union with God — but it is never the destination.

Scripture supports this. Hosea 6:6 and Matthew 9:13, among other passages, carry the same message from God: “I desire love, not sacrifice.” Not the absence of sacrifice, but a clear priority — love first, virtue first, the most genuinely good and meaningful choice first.

“It’s really important to not just assume that God is calling you to do the thing that would be the most painful or the most miserable,” Popcak says. Instead, take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and ask yourself, “What course of action will bring me more intimacy with God and others? What is the most loving option?”

Of course, choosing the most loving option might indeed involve some kind of suffering. Giving up a higher paying job in order to have more time with your children, for example, is a real sacrifice. But it’s a sacrifice motivated by love, with a good outcome.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself

When you’re feeling depleted and stuck, Jacob Popcak suggests stepping back from the assumption that staying miserable is the holy option. Instead, ask yourself:

1. Is this suffering leading anywhere?

There’s a difference between the discomfort of genuine growth — standing up to a difficult person, having a hard conversation, making a necessary change — and simply enduring the same painful situation indefinitely. The first can be redemptive. The second may just be avoidance dressed up as virtue.

2. What would be the most loving choice?

Not the most painful, not the most self-denying — the most loving. For yourself, for the people around you, for the relationship or situation you’re trying to improve.

3. Am I turning toward God and others, or away from them?

Dr. Greg Popcak offered a helpful image: isolation under stress is like a phone battery draining in the cold. “Isolation doesn’t just leave us running low, it actively drains us,” he said. If your default response to stress is to white-knuckle it alone, that’s worth examining. We’re made for communion — with God and with the people he’s placed in our lives.

The Holiest Choice Always Leads Somewhere Good

None of this means avoiding real sacrifice when it’s called for; sometimes the loving choice is the harder one. But the starting point for discernment isn’t assuming that the hardest option is the holiest one. Instead, it’s always asking, “What will bring the most good — for me, the people I love, and in my relationship with God?”

If you’ve been white-knuckling a situation and calling it holiness, it may be worth a second look. For support in discerning the difference, reach out to Jacob Popcak or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

He Gets It: What the Passion and Resurrection Reveal About Your Pain, Your Life, and Your Relationships

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There is a question that sits quietly underneath so many of our struggles:

“Does anyone actually understand what this feels like?”

Not in theory, not from a distance, but really understand.

Because when you’re overwhelmed…
When your relationships feel heavy…
When you’re carrying stress, grief, loneliness, or exhaustion…

It can feel incredibly isolating.

Even when you’re surrounded by people.

 

Holy Week answers that question in a way nothing else can:

You are not alone in anything you experience.

Not one emotion.
Not one fear.
Not one moment of pain.

Because in the Passion, Jesus didn’t just suffer—
He entered into the full human experience.

He Knows What It Feels Like

If you’ve ever…

Felt anxious about what’s ahead → Jesus in the Garden
Asked “Is there another way?” → Jesus before His arrest
Felt abandoned or alone → “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Been misunderstood or falsely judged → His trial
Been betrayed by someone close to you → Judas, Peter
Felt rejected → The crowd choosing Barabbas
Experienced physical or emotional exhaustion → Carrying the cross
Felt exposed, vulnerable, or humiliated → The crucifixion

He’s been there.

Not symbolically.
Not metaphorically.

Personally.

This is what makes Christianity so unique in the realm of both faith and mental health:

We don’t follow a God who observes suffering.

We follow a God who entered into it.

 

So often, our pain intensifies when we feel alone in it.

Isolation doesn’t just happen physically—it happens internally.

It sounds like:

“No one gets this.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“I just need to push through.”
“Other people have it worse.”

But Holy Week interrupts that narrative.

Because Jesus doesn’t minimize your experience.
He validates it by having lived it.

And at the same time—He doesn’t leave you in it.

He Is With You in It, Not Just Waiting on the Other Side

Sometimes we think of God as waiting for us at the finish line.

“Once I get through this… then I’ll be okay. Then God will show up.”

But the Passion tells a different story.

God meets us:

In the anxiety
In the conflict
In the grief
In the confusion
In the exhaustion

He is not just present in your healing.

He is present in your process.

And the Resurrection Means This Isn’t the End

If the Passion tells us, “He understands,”
the Resurrection tells us, “There is hope.”

Because no matter what you are facing:

A struggling relationship
A season of burnout
Old wounds that keep resurfacing
Patterns you’re trying to break

This is not where your story has to end.

The Resurrection doesn’t erase what happened.

It transforms what seemed final into something that can be redeemed.

 

When we begin to live from this truth—that we are understood, accompanied, and not alone—it changes how we show up with others.

We become:

Less reactive, because we’re not fighting our pain alone
More compassionate, because we recognize suffering in others
More grounded, because our identity isn’t dependent on others’ responses
More capable of real connection, because we’re not hiding

We stop asking others to fully carry what only God can hold.

And from that place, we can love more freely and more fully.

An Invitation for This Week

As you walk through Holy Week and into Easter, consider this:

Where in your life do you feel most alone right now?

Bring that place to Him.

Not the cleaned-up version.
Not the “I should be fine” version.

The real version.

Because He’s already been there.

And He’s not just saying,
“I understand.”

He’s saying,
“I’m here. Right here, in this with you.”

And I will walk with you—
through the cross,
through the silence,
and into new life.