No, You Aren’t Perfect—And That’s Okay

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In a culture that prizes productivity and performance, perfectionism can seem like a virtue. We praise people for their “high standards” and “drive to succeed.” Some of us even wear the label of “perfectionist” like a badge of honor.

But as pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac of the Pastoral Solutions Institute warns, perfectionism isn’t a superpower. It’s a trap, one that leads to stress, restlessness, and strained relationships with others…even God.

“Perfectionism can manifest in a variety of different ways and different areas of our life,” Isaac explains. “But at the bottom, it’s about feeling like we might not be good enough, and that we need to work really hard to control both how we present to the world and our environment so that things are okay.”

The Hidden Ways Perfectionism Shows Up

The word “perfectionist” might conjure up the image of someone who insists everything has to be “just so.”

But often, Isaac says, it takes other forms: manifesting as the need to do everything yourself, for instance, or filtering what you say to make sure you say things the “right” way. Even procrastination can be a form of perfectionism, she says—a stress response to the fear of doing something imperfectly.

At its core, perfectionism is about comparison and fear. We compare ourselves to others, afraid that if we don’t measure up, we’ll be judged or rejected. Sometimes, that comparison flips, and we hold others to the impossible standards we set for ourselves, fueling criticism and resentment. Regardless of how it presents, the underlying dynamic remains the same: an attempt to manage deep-seated insecurity through external control.

That’s not the way God wants us to live, Isaac says. God wants us to know, deep in our bones, that our worth comes not from what we do, but from who we are as children of God.

At the deepest level, then, overcoming perfectionism is about learning to live from a place of deep, God-given confidence—the kind that frees us to love, serve, and rest without fear.

Breaking Free from Perfectionism: Three Strategies

In her work helping people develop this God-given confidence, Isaac has come up with a suite of strategies for addressing perfectionism. Here are three you can try on your own today:

1. Exchange “What-If” Questions for “Even-If” Statements

Perfectionism fuels anxiety with endless “what if” questions: What if my house isn’t clean enough when guests arrive? What if I make a mistake during my presentation? What if my spouse doesn’t do the laundry the way I do it?

These what-if questions leave open a whole range of possible worst case scenarios, Isaac says; this uncertainty can leave us feeling like we’ve lost control. We try to resolve that uncertainty by answering the question, usually focusing on the worst-case scenario.

To break that cycle, Isaac recommends swapping “what if” questions for “even if” statements, completing those sentences with realistic, hopeful outcomes:

  • Even if my house isn’t completely clean, we’ll still have a good time together.
  • Even if I stumble during my presentation, people will still understand my message.
  • Even if my spouse ‘messes up’ the laundry, it’s still getting done
  • .—and the important thing is that we’re working together as a team.

“As soon as I make an ‘even if’ statement, I can be more solution-focused and find that peace and control—even if everything’s not perfect,” Isaac says.

2. Set Realistic Expectations

Perfectionists often set impossible expectations for themselves and others.

Isaac gives the example of someone who is anxious to get the house cleaned up before dinner guests arrive. Someone grounded in their God-given identity might pick up the main spaces and set out flowers to be hospitable to their guests.

But the person trapped in a perfectionist mindset takes that impulse to an extreme, trying to clean the whole house—and nagging everyone else to pitch in with that Herculean task.

That is not a helpful or realistic expectation, Isaac points out.

A better approach is to ask: What’s truly necessary? Adjust your expectations for yourself and others accordingly, resting in the knowledge that whatever your guests may think, your identity comes from God, not the state of your house.

3. Recognize the Good You Already Do

Perfectionism tempts us to dismiss the moments that really matter—the everyday acts of love, service, and connection that reflect our God-given strengths. To combat perfectionism, Isaac recommends taking time to reflect on those moments.

For example, let’s say you’re trying to tick off items on your to-do list when your kid starts melting down. You set aside your agenda, sitting down on the floor to hold and comfort them.

Someone trapped in a perfectionist mindset might overlook this action because it’s not “productive.”

“But recognizing how good that moment was…and that I had strengths in that moment to be present, patient, compassionate—that really shifts the mindset from performance to recognizing my God-given strengths,” Isaac says.

And when we learn to see the good in ourselves, we’re freer to see—and celebrate—the good in others, too.

The Gift of Living in Freedom

Isaac has seen this shift transform people’s lives. She shares the story of a client who struggled to ask her husband for help. Perfectionism made her feel that if she wasn’t doing everything herself, she was failing. But as she practiced communicating her needs, the dynamic in their marriage changed.

“She was able to recognize that having it all on her wasn’t what defined her worth or her success,” Isaac says. “She could really be effective—maybe even more so—when she communicated her needs and worked together with her husband.”

The journey out of perfectionism is really a journey into freedom.

“You’re moving from a place of constant pressure to a place of greater peace,” Isaac says. “It impacts your relationship with yourself, with others, and with God. You begin to realize you don’t have to earn your worth—you’re already enough.”

For more one-on-one help with perfectionism and confidence, reach out to Rachael Isaac or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Or join Rachael Isaac on Thursday July 31st at 8pm EST for a power-packed, one hour, live webinar: Empowered–Overcoming Perfectionism and Achieving Your Goals

Fixing Relationship Troubles Isn’t All On You

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Hurt feelings over wedding invitations seemed to have ended Ruth’s 30-year friendship with another woman. Meanwhile, a simple misunderstanding had blown up Patricia’s relationship with a friend from church.

Both women desperately wanted to make their relationships whole again. But when they called in to the More2Life radio show, hosts Dr. Greg Popcak and Lisa Popcak gave them some surprising advice: restoring the relationship isn’t all on you.

‘How Can I Convince Her?’

Ruth’s situation was particularly complex. For three decades, her family and her friend’s family had gathered every summer, always including the friend’s daughter who was in a same-sex relationship. Ruth’s family had made it a priority to show love and acceptance to her friend’s daughter.

But when Ruth’s son planned his wedding, tight budget constraints meant no plus-ones for anyone—not just the friend’s daughter, but close family members, too. Despite this being clearly a financial decision affecting multiple people, Ruth’s friend interpreted it as discrimination against her daughter’s lifestyle and cut off all contact.

After a year of painful silence, Ruth’s friend had finally agreed to meet, but Ruth was anxious about the upcoming conversation. “I want to know exactly how I convince her that it had nothing to do with her daughter’s lifestyle choices,” Ruth told the Popcaks. “I’ve got family members who are in the same type of situation.”

Patricia’s story was different but equally frustrating. She had told people at church that a fellow parishioner’s uncle had died—but as it turned out, he hadn’t. Despite Patricia’s attempts to apologize and clarify the honest mistake, her friend had been angry with Patricia ever since.

“I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do to remedy this situation,” Patricia wrote in an email to More2Life. “I’ve tried to talk to her, but nothing’s changed.”

The Trap of Working Too Hard

The stories of both callers illustrate a common trap that we can fall into when misunderstandings lead to broken relationships.

“We have this tendency to think that just because someone’s angry at us, we must have done something wrong, and it’s our job to make them not be angry at us,” Dr. Popcak explained.

We often assume we need to convince the other person, justify every decision, work harder to prove our good intentions, and take responsibility for managing the other person’s emotions.

But when it comes to honest misunderstandings, we don’t have to work that hard.

“God doesn’t ask us to make every relationship in our lives work just on our own,” Dr. Popcak reminded Ruth. “We want to be around people who can be healthy around us and be healthy for us.”

Even God Deals with Rejection

Even God, who is perfect love, doesn’t force people into relationship with him, Lisa Popcak pointed out. After all, the Word became flesh, lived among us, and even died for us, and people still rejected him. God allows us our free will because he wants real, authentic relationships—not forced compliance.

We’re called to follow his example: extend the invitation to relationship and let others choose to accept it or not. We can’t expect to control every relationship outcome, no matter how perfectly we behave or how clearly we explain ourselves.

Offer Relationship, Respect Freedom

The Popcaks recommended that both Ruth and Patricia simply state the facts clearly and let the other person choose their response.

For Ruth, this meant saying something straightforward: “Look, we don’t have unlimited amounts of money, so we restricted the wedding to those people that we were closest to. Nobody got to bring a plus one. It was purely a monetary decision. I care about you and want to be your friend. If you’re open to that, wonderful—we can build our friendship. If not, it saddens me, but I’ll accept your decision.”

In Patricia’s situation, the Popcaks pointed out that her fellow parishioner failed to practice the Christian obligation of charitable interpretation. When someone hurts us, our first response should be to assume good intentions and seek clarification. That doesn’t mean ignoring offenses or bad behavior; it simply means giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t deliberately trying to cause hurt or offense.

Patricia’s friend should have come to her and asked what was up, Dr. Popcak said. When Patricia clarified that it was all a misunderstanding, her friend should have accepted that explanation.

Patricia had fulfilled her Christian obligation by acknowledging her mistake and clarifying her intentions. Her friend’s continued anger was her friend’s choice—not Patricia’s responsibility to fix.

The Freedom of Doing Your Part

Both Ruth and Patricia had already fulfilled their Christian obligations to love and seek peace. The rest was up to their friends.

Realizing that maintaining relationships isn’t our sole responsibility brings tremendous freedom—the freedom to love without condition while maintaining healthy boundaries, to seek peace without compromising truth, and to trust God with outcomes beyond our control.

For more help with relationship problems, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for more one-on-one guidance, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Reconnecting with God After Loss Shakes Your Faith

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Terry had been married to his wife for fifty-two years when she passed away, leaving him feeling hollow, empty, and spiritually disconnected.

“I just don’t feel the presence of my faith,” he said during an episode of More to Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. Although he didn’t blame God for his loss, he struggled deeply with the silence and emptiness. “I feel dead inside,” he told the Popcaks.

Terry’s experience isn’t unique. In fact, the Popcaks say it is normal to feel dead and disconnected from God in the wake of profound loss.

“The natural human response to suffering and grief is just to dig a hole and lie down in it and to wish we would never come back up again,” Dr. Popcak said.

But the good news is that as much as we might feel abandoned by God, in reality, he accompanies us in our pain. Here are five tips for how to reconnect with God in the midst of profound grief.

1. Listen for Whispers of Hope

Intense grief changes the way we view the world, and even the way we interact with others—including God. The pain of loss can make it difficult to “tune in” to God’s presence the way we used to.

Often, though, we can still find God in the occasional “whispers of hope” that break through the fog of pain.

“If there’s any part of you that says there’s something more, and I should want that,” Dr. Popcak said. “If there’s any part of you that thinks there could be an end to the suffering in some good way, then that’s God speaking to you and walking with you through this.”

Look for those glimmers of hope and lean into them, the Popcaks advised.

2. Keep Praying and Practicing

One of the most important things you can do is to continue praying to God and practicing your faith, even when it feels like “eating sawdust,” as Dr. Popcak put it. Continuing your usual spiritual habits will keep you connected to God and the Church, allowing you to experience the grace that you need to get through this time.

Keep talking to God, too. Anytime you are struggling with faith, approach God honestly and authentically, sharing your doubts, frustrations, and heartache openly. God desires your genuine emotions and will meet you there, the Popcaks said.

Dr. Popcak offered Terry an example of what that looks like: “Say, ‘Lord, I’m in so much pain, I can’t feel anything but grief and loss and despair. But the fact that I know that there’s something more, the fact that I somehow got out of bed this morning, the fact that somehow I think that you’re still there, even if I can’t feel you—I thank you for that, and I love you. Please hold me close and guide me step by step through this.”

3. Seek Faithful Support

Even the greatest of the saints surrounded themselves with people who could lift them up, just like Mary went to Elizabeth. 

“God really wants for us to walk with a companion along the way,” Lisa Popcak said. “We need people to help us in our spiritual walk, to get some questions answered, to get extra prayer support when we feel too weak to pray, and we are unsure of ourselves.”

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says, God chose to save us not as individuals, but as the People of God. In his plan, each of us helps the others along the way—especially in times of darkness, suffering, and doubt.

4. Stay Connected to Your Loved One

“Grief is not the process of letting go,” Dr. Popcak told Terry. “It’s the process of finding ways to stay connected to the person that we’ve lost.”

As Catholics, we believe that death does not sever our relationship with our loved ones, even if it changes that relationship. As Lisa Popcak pointed out, our loved ones are part of the communion of saints, which means that they can intercede with God for us.

“She is alive in Christ,” Lisa told Terry. “Talk to her as you would when she was in your kitchen and walking around the house with you and doing things with you: ‘Honey, this is awful, and I’m not feeling close to God…. I need you to be praying for me. I need you to help me see God in things.’”

As you grieve, find other tangible ways to stay connected to your loved one. What did your loved one mean to you? What did she or he bring into your life? What blessings did they bring you? Name those and find ways to hold onto them.

Shaken Faith Invites Us to Deeper Faith

Experiencing shaken faith in the wake of profound loss is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but an invitation to a deeper, richer relationship with God—one big enough to encompass the “crosses” that come to us in life.

“Having struggles in your faith does not show weakness,” Lisa Popcak said. “It’s part of growth and development in our lives….

“When we struggle—when we’re scared, when we’re angry, when we’re experiencing doubt in any way: in God, in the Church, in who we are in that relationship, in his love for us—it’s something that even the greatest of saints have gone through, and yet come out the other side, because they held on to God as they walked that path of questioning.”

For additional support in navigating grief and reconnecting with your faith, you can always reach out to the team of professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.