Emotional Security: Do You Know What YOUR Emotions Are Trying to Tell You?

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Most Christians have a pretty ambivalent relationship with our emotions.  We just don’t know what to feel about our feelings.  Sometimes, emotions can be the source of a great deal of joy, satisfaction, and well-being.  Other times they can wreck us with anxiety, despair, anger, and angst.   Of course,  there are still other times when we get upset with ourselves for being upset, angry at ourselves for being angry, or depressed about how sad we feel.

Emotions are a part of our body, of course, and, as such, the Theology of the Body tells us that–just like the rest of our body–emotions are intended by God to work for our good and the good of others.  But what about the times they don’t?  What is the best way to think about our emotions and how can we do a better job managing them?

Emotion:  What is it…Really?

It is surprisingly difficult to get consensus on what an emotion actually is.  Biologists will tell you that emotions are just neurochemistry.  Psychologists will tell you that emotions are the results of the thoughts that run through your head.  Anthropologists will say that emotions are the way individuals know they are connected to some groups and disconnected from others.  All of these theories get at some aspect of emotions and some of these theories describe what emotions do, but none of those descriptions really do anything to tell us what emotions are.

The new science of interpersonal neurobiology (the study of how relationships affect the mind and brain) has proposed an interesting answer to the question, “What is an emotion” that cuts across all the different professional distinctions and gives the average person a simple but useful way of thinking about emotions so that they can get better control of them.

What is an emotion?

Emotions represent shifts in the degree of integration between or within the body, mind, and relationships.

Let me explain.

Warning…Warning…Disturbance on Level Three!

Think of your emotions as the security office in one of those caper movies, you know, like, say, Oceans 11.   In a sense, your emotions are like that room filled with cameras, indicator lights and buzzers that let you see how well (or not) everything is working–and working together (or not)–from moment to moment.   Only, instead of a bank vault, elevator shaft, and the boss’ office,  the security system represented by your emotions is the system that monitors how well your body, mind and relationships are working both on their own and with each other.   In other words, they “represent shifts in the degree of integration between or within the body, mind, and relationship.   Let me give a few examples…

Let’s say you feel “emotionally close” to someone.  What does that mean?   It means their thoughts and feelings are meshing well with your thoughts and feelings.  In other words, you are experiencing a high degree of integration between you and the other person and, as a result, you experience emotions that correspond with that integration, like happiness, affection, even love.

On the other hand, if you have a serious disagreement with that other person about something, your thoughts and feelings aren’t meshing well.   As a result of this lesser degree of integration between you, you might experience anger that they don’t see things the way you do or you might fear that the relationship is in jeopardy.

In both of the above instances,  your emotions are monitoring the degree of integration or disintegration you are feeling in your relationship with someone from moment to moment.

Let’s take another example.   What does it mean to be “emotionally healthy?”  Your degree of emotional health has to do with the degree of integration you experience between (and within) your body, mind and relationships.   It represents how much your mind consistently desires and motivates you to do things that are good for your body and your relationships.

For instance, if your mind produces strong urges to do things that would endanger your sense of bodily integrity (for example; drink too much or take drugs that impair your functioning or risks that endanger your well-being) you have poor integration between your mind and body.  As a result, the “security officer” played by your emotions may send out a warning sign in the form of sadness, desperation, or emptiness.

Similarly, if your mind produces a strong urge to lash out at others, there may be a poor degree of integration between what your mind wants and what your relationships need in order to function well.  As a result, your emotional security officer will send out warning sign in the form of feelings of estrangement, loneliness, or isolation.

As you can see, “emotional health” or “emotional illness” reflects the degree  of integration or disintegration, respectively,  that you are feeling between your mind, body, and relationships, from moment to moment.

The above represent examples of disintegration between your mind, body, and relationships.  But the Emotional Security Office also monitors how each of these systems are working on their own.

For instance, if you are rested, your body, itself, is more likely to feel a greater degree of integration than if you slept poorly.  Your emotions will probably reflect that degree of integration by making you feel content and peaceful.  But if you slept poorly, your emotions reflect that poor degree of bodily integration by making you grumpy and irritable.  In this case your emotions represent the degree of integration you are experiencing within your body from moment to moment.

In short, emotions are the vast monitoring network God gave you enabling you to oversee, at a glance, how much unity (integration) and well-being you are encountering between and within your mind, body and relationships from moment to moment.

So What?

Too often, especially when we feel negative emotions,  we think of the feeling as the problem.  “I wish I could just stop feeling so anxious/depressed/overwhelmed.    The feeling isn’t the problem.  The feeling is the warning light telling you to look for the problem–i.e., the disintegration that is causing the emotional alarm bells to ring.  Imagine if the Head of Security in our caper movie heard all the lights and buzzers going off that indicated a robbery in progress and instead of dispatching guards to the scene just said, “Ugh!   I’m so sick of listening to all these buzzers and seeing these flashing red lights!   Shut it all down!  I just need a nap!”  Or, alternatively, what if the same Head of Security said, “These lights and buzzers are freaking me out!  Let’s just torch the whole room.  You heard me!  Burn the place down!”

Obviously, those would be foolish choices.  But we try to do the same things with our emotions!  Because we tend to think of our feelings as the problems themselves, we try to ignore them or shut them down with rash decisions intended to make all the buzzing stop.  We often forget to listen to our emotions and, metaphorically speaking, send a guard to check out what’s going on at the vault, or on level four, or to the elevator (our mind, brain, or relationships) so that we can correct the problem.  We forget that the buzzing will stop when the problem is solved.

Just like the warning indicator doesn’t stop buzzing until the problem is resolved, your feelings won’t change until the disintegration they are pointing to is adequately addressed.

 

Emotions and the Quest for Original Unity

The Theology of the Body tells us that, before the Fall, man, woman, and God existed in a state of  Original Unity.  Presumably this unity didn’t just exist between them, but within them as well.  After all, you can’t be at peace with others if you are at war with yourself.  Before the Fall,   man and woman felt right (i.e., experienced a high degree of integration) within themselves, as well as between each other and God.  That “Original Unity” is what our emotions are pointing to; what they want us to get back to.  The thief has entered the building, and the alarms will not cease until we have expelled him from the premises (Matt 24:43).

Our emotions remind us of the need to strive for the Original Unity in which we were created to live.  Emotions are not the enemy.  In fact, they can serve us well as long as we don’t try to shut them down by rashly cutting people out of our lives, or by drinking, drugging, indulging our passions, or taking foolish risks in a desperate, reactionary attempt to plug our ears to the warning bells and blindfold ourselves so we can’t see the flashing red lights.

What Can I DO?

So the next time your emotions get the better of you, don’t beat yourself up for being weak.  Thank God that your emotions are doing exactly what he created them to do.  And instead of asking, “Why do I feel this way?”    Ask, “Where is the most acute imbalance in or between my body, mind or relationships right now and what can I do to begin addressing it?”

Correct the disintegration in or between your body, mind, and relationships and your feelings will follow suit.

If you would like additional help in achieving emotional health, contact me, Dr. Greg Popcak,  to learn more about the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Catholic Tele-Counseling Services.  You can visit us online or call 740-266-6461 to make an appointment today.

 

Coming Monday on More2Life Radio: FORGIVING YOURSELF (Plus, Win a Free Book! Details below…)

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Coming Monday on More2Life:  Forgiving Yourself–The Theology of the Body sets a high bar for our lives.  Most days, we are going to fail to reach that standard no matter how hard we try.  When that happens, we need to be willing to forgive ourselves and find the courage to try again. Today on More2Life, we’ll look at what being forgiving of ourselves really means and what it takes to make it happen.

 

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions.

Answer our Monday Q of the D:  

–We all have a tendency to pick on ourselves for something.  When do you tend to be hardest on yourself?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This week’s featured title is:  How to Find True Love.    How to find true love is a book about finding God’s love hidden in the little moments of everyday life.  Each chapter is a short reflection on another surprising way we can experience more love in our lives and, ultimately, experience how much God, himself, truly loves us.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing this Friday, 6/21.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!),
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What Can the Theology of the Body Teach Us about Managing Stress?

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“I’m so busy!”  “There isn’t enough time!”  Seemingly universal laments.  Life is filled with opportunities to be stressed and to become even more stressed all the time.

In short bursts (of a few minutes or so) stress can be useful.  Stress, when it functions according to its purpose, calls our mind and body to be attentive and responsive to the challenges in front of us.  Ideally, stress ramps us up so that we can make a plan to handle those situations and then the stress should go away.   We are not meant to live in a perpetual state of stress (which might come as a surprise to most people).  Once stress motivates us to make a plan, it should decrease.

All Stressed Up and Nowhere to Go…

The problem is that, in the face of stress,  we often don’t actually stop to make a plan.  We become hyper-focused on the stressful event and live in a state of reaction rather than receptivity.    Looking at stress through the lens of the Theology of the Body,  we see that stress stops us from being receptive to God and to others.  The Theology of the Body reminds us that a healthy life (i.e., a life dedicated to seeking connection with God and others and open to his unfolding plan) is a receptive life; that is, a life in which we are open to the movement of the Holy Spirit in the moment and responsive to both the needs of others and the love they have to share with us.

This is Your Brain on Stress…

Brain research shows that, under prolonged stress, the mind becomes rigid, closed, rejecting, and task/thing-focused.  When I allow myself to remain in a state of prolonged stress, I become stuck in old patterns and closed to new possibilities.  I reject help and new ideas as useless before I have really taken the time to consider them.  Further, I focus all my energy either on simply pushing through the problem or looking for things that will make me feel better in the short term without considering the bigger picture.    This stressed-out posture is the antithesis of a receptive mind and spirit which–again, according to brain research–is always curious, open, accepting, and loving (COAL).  Curiosity allows us to seek new solutions, to be open to asking the questions that enable us to hear the Holy Spirit speaking to us in the moment.  Openness allows us to consider possibilities we hadn’t entertained before.  Acceptance refers to the willingness to suspend our judgment of new options and possibilities before we have gathered all the information we need to chart a healthy course of action.  Loving refers to our willingness to put the well-being of people (ourselves included) before the accomplishment of tasks or the acquisition of things.

 

Stress:  The Antidote

Again, from both the perspective of the Theology of the Body and brain science, the antidote to stress is connection.  The Theology of the Body reminds us of Genesis’ assertion that, “it is not good for man to be alone.”  Brain science bears this out.  When the mind becomes dis-regulated by stress (i.e., our emotions override our intellect instead of the intellect and emotions working in partnership) the quality of our connection to God and others tends to determine the degree of resilience (“bounce-back-ability”) we will display.   Taking time to maintain a strong connection with God and the people we love and who love us even when we’re under stress helps the mind see our problems through others eyes, reminds us that help is readily available, and calls our attention to the most important things.  Likewise, intimate connection with God and others fills our body with “calm-down chemicals” like oxytocin that help us to be at peace in the presence of stress.

Taking “Time In”

So-called, “time-in” practices, such as meditative prayer (e.g., rosary, adoration, etc.), rituals of connection (e.g., regularly scheduled and anticipated times to play, talk, work, and play with loved ones), self-care (e.g., good nutrition and physical activity), and leisure (e.g., hobbies and creative endeavors) have all been shown by brain research to help a person develop a more receptive mindset in the presence of stressful events.  These practices highlight the power of the Theology of the Body’s insights that we were both created and destined for intimate connection with God and others and that the more we pursue these connections, the more we “become what we are.”  That is, persons who function best when we are both working to create communities of love and pursuing intimate connection with the God who created us, sustains us, and leads us on the path to wholeness.

For more strategies for dealing gracefully with the stress in your life, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!   Finding Balance Through God’s Grace.   or contact me at the Pastoral Solutions Institute to discover how you can work with a faithful, Catholic counselor through our tele-counseling practice.

 

Exclusive Breastfeeding Leads to Better Language, Cognitive and Emotional Development in Brain Earlier & More Than Thought

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The research found that by age 2, babies who had been breastfed exclusively for at least three months had enhanced development in key parts of the brain compared to children who were fed formula exclusively or who were fed a combination of formula and breastmilk. The extra growth was most pronounced in parts of the brain associated with language, emotional function, and cognition, the research showed….

The researchers split the babies into three groups: those whose mothers reported they exclusively breastfed for at least three months, those fed a combination of breastmilk and formula, and those fed formula alone. The researchers compared the older kids to the younger kids to establish growth trajectories in white matter for each group.

The study showed that the exclusively breastfed group had the fastest growth in myelinated white matter of the three groups (Dr. Greg Note:  myelin is the insulation around the nerve cell.  Well-myelinated nerves deliver messages 3000 times faster than poorly myelinated nerves)  with the increase in white matter volume becoming substantial by age 2. The group fed both breastmilk and formula had more growth than the exclusively formula-fed group, but less than the breastmilk-only group.

“We’re finding the difference [in white matter growth] is on the order of 20 to 30 percent, comparing the breastfed and the non-breastfed kids,” said Deoni. “I think it’s astounding that you could have that much difference so early.”

“We wanted to see how early these changes in brain development actually occur,” Deoni said. “We show that they’re there almost right off the bat.”

Breastfeeding is Good Healthcare for Women (Not Just Babies)

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Maria Lactans (“Nursing Madonna”) Ora pro nobis.

From Time Magazine…

If new moms adhered to the recommended guidelines that urge them to  breast-feed each child they give birth to for at least one year, they could  theoretically stave off up to 5,000 cases of breast cancer,  about 54,000 cases of hypertension and nearly 14,000 heart  attacks annually.

Averting those diseases could also save $860 million, according to research  published in Obstetrics & Gynecology.

…Drilling deeper, the study found that less-than-optimal breast-feeding rates  took a $734 million toll in terms of hospital stays, doctor visits and  medication and cost $126 million in time away from work.

 

Male and Female He Created Them–Gender and the Catholic Difference.

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I have been reflecting a great deal on Eve Tushnet’s excellent article in The Atlantic that many of you have probably, already read (and if you haven’t, by all means, check it out).  I’ve been thinking of her article, in part, because she’s a great writer, but also, because I spent the weekend with my best friend from childhood with whom I remain very close despite the fact that we have many very different views, me being a promoter of the Catholic vision of the person and sexuality and him, being an expert on and professor of queer theory.  Obviously, we have a lot of interesting and vigorous discussions on the nature of the person, sexuality, gender, and our shared Catholic faith.

In light of all this, I’ve been thinking a lot about a minor point in Eve’s article referencing her struggles with what she referred to as, “repressive ideas of gender which would leave no room for St. Francis and St. Joan. (n.b., follow the link for her expansion on this point).”

What Does the Church Teach about Men and Women?

I have to say that while I am aware that many people share her opinion of the Church’s vision of men and women, and while I have met many pious Catholics who I think, personally,  have rather retrograde views of masculinity and femininity, I don’t think they got them from an honest reading of the Church’s thinking on the topic.  In fact, my reading of the Church’s teaching on gender strikes me as rather novel and counter-cultural (and when I say that, I don’t just mean counter-secular feminist culture, but also counter-conservative stereotypical culture).

Male and Female He Created THEM.

My understanding of the Church’s view of masculinity and femininity is that maleness and femaleness is not, as many conservative Catholics mistakenly think,  determined by the preferences you have, the work you do, the things you like or the toys you played with as a kid.  The Theology of the Body makes the point that Genesis 1:27 says, “Male and female he created them.”   TOB asserts that this passage does not mean that God created males and females.  Rather, it means that men and women have both masculine and feminine dimensions to their personalities.    Culturally, we may say certain traits (such as nurturance, gentleness, or sociability) are more “feminine” traits, and that other traits (such as assertiveness, ambition, or competitiveness) are more “masculine” traits, but from a TOB point of view, it would not be reasonable to then say that a woman who was assertive or ambitious was somehow less womanly or a man who was nurturing or gentle was somehow less manly.

The Body Makes Visible That Which is Invisible…

The TOB argues that what differentiates men from women is not traits, preferences, work, or habits, but their bodies and how those bodies allow them to express–in complementary ways–the virtues and qualities that evidence their shared humanity.  The short version is that being made in the image and likeness of God means that God takes all the virtues (i.e., all the qualities that make men and women human) from his own heart and shares them equally with men and women.  BUT he creates men and women’s bodies to be different and complementary to each other so that when they live out those human virtues through the bodies God gave them, they can emphasize different and complementary aspects of those virtues and, by doing so, present a more complete image of that virtue that reflects God’s face to the world.

So What?

Practically speaking, this means two things.

First, it means that men and women can both fully demonstrate all the qualities that make us human.  BUT because of the body (and mind, which is part of the body) God gave us, men and women will display complementary variations on those qualities.  For instance both men and women are called to be fully nurturing as a part of their human nature but he has created men’s and women’s bodies differently.  A woman, for example, is able to nurse her children and thus express nurturance in a particularly profound and intimately embodied fashion.  A man can’t lactate, but he is also required to be fully nurturing if he is to be fully human.  He also expresses his nurturance through his body.  For instance, because of greater upper-body strength, a man can more easily toss his kids in the air (and sometimes, even catch them!).  Likewise, even men who shave have more facial hair than the hairiest woman.  My little one loves to sit on my shoulders and rub my fuzzy face.  She loves when I put my scratchy, tickly chin under her chin and go “phhhhhhhhhhfffffffffffffftttttttt!”

My wife and I must both be fully nurturing to our children, but we express that nurturance differently through the bodies that God gave us.  Our respective efforts to be nurturing feel different to our kids.  The masculine and feminine versions of nurturance are both sufficient on their own, but together, they are a more complete presentation of the virtue of nurturance itself.  When a man and woman are both fully nurturing in their unique and complementary way, they do a better job of making visible the nurturance in God’s own heart.

The same applies to any other quality or virtue.  Catholics have never believed that there is only one way to be a man or a woman, which is why we have saints like St. Joan and St Francis as well as St Therese of Lisieux and St Ignatius.

The second example of the practical significance of all this is that  although both men and women are capable of being fully human and living out the fullness of all the virtues that make them human, men and women’s versions of those respective virtues/qualities are appreciably different and complementary.   A man who is fully nurturing will always nurture differently than a woman would.  Likewise, the most ambitious, assertive woman will still be ambitious and assertive in a way that is, somehow, more feminine than the way a man is ambitious or assertive. That doesn’t mean that one is inferior to other.  They are both perfectly complete, acceptable, efficient, healthy modes of being.  BUT they are substantively different from and complementary to one another.    Even if a man tries to be effeminate, he only ends up coming of as a caricature of femininity and the same for the woman who tries to be masculine.  Men and women can be fully human and live out the complementarity of the virtues that comprise their shared humanity, but they cannot ever be the same even when they try.

The Feminine Genius.

Which brings us to what JPII meant when he wrote about the “feminine genius.”  While I understand where Eve’s coming from (as well as other critics who feel the same) I have never read the Church’s writings on this subject as being patronizing.  (And you might say, “that JUST what a man WOULD say!” but that really would be patronizing).  To my way of thinking, the point of saying that there is a feminine genius is not to say, as Eve suggest (in the second link above),  “Oh, don’t worry your pretty little heads, ladies, of course you’re special too!”  Rather, it is to say that in contrast to secular feminism which tells the world that only the masculine versions of the various virtues count, that the feminine complement to these same virtues presents a full, dynamic, vigorous, and valuable contribution to the human experience and that women, as well as men, serve their humanity best, not by trying to imitate the other, but by exploring the fullness of their own humanity which is beautifully, powerfully, and more than adequately expressed by the humanity represented in their own gender.

I’m really not sure what is so retrograde about that.  In fact, this view of gender sounds like nothing else I’ve read on the subject.  The Catholic vision of masculinity and femininity, to my way of thinking, goes beyond the too easy stereotypes of  the conservative/historical patriarchal view of gender and stands in opposition to the reaction-formation that is the secular feminist view.  It is a fresh, exciting, and freeing view of the person that presents a mode of being that allows man and woman to both be fully human and completely unique.

For more information on living out this vision of the sexes in your marriage, check out  For Better…FOREVER!  or to pass this vision of masculinity and femininity on to your children, pick up a copy of Beyond the Birds and the Bees:  Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Children

COMING TUES on MORE2LIFE: Making Visible What’s Invisible. (Plus, Win a free book. Details Below)

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Coming TUESDAY on More2Life–Making the Invisible, Visible:  The Theology of the Body reminds us that “is capable of making visible what is invisible, the spiritual and divine.”  Everything we say and do should communicate our love and God’s love to the world.

Today on M2L, we’ll look at the little ways we can bring God’s love to others and how to do better in the times we get frustrated with life or others and fall short.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about the challenges of bringing God’s love to the people in your life through your daily words and actions.

Don’t forget to answer our Q of the D:

WIN A FREE BOOK!  SPECIAL OFFER! (*Details below).

TUES  Q of the D:  (Answer one or both to win!)

1.  What are the little ways throughout the day that you try to use your words and actions to show God’s love to the people around you.

2.  What are the ways that people speak or act that you think detracts most from the call to show God’s love to others?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This is a great way to get that title you haven’t read yet, or get a book for a friend who really needs it!  Enter every day to win.  This week’s featured title is:  The Marriage Made for Heaven Marriage Builder Kit (1 Leaders Guide/DVD and 5 Workbooks.  Use this great resource to strenghten your own marriage or start a marriage building group with your friends or in your parish!)

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing on Friday 6/14.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!),
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Can You Teach the Theology of the Body to a 10yo? Should you?

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Catholic Patheosi, Elizabeth Husted Duffy, posts her suggestions on what a “true” sexual education out to look like.  I like and agree with all of her recommendations and I encourage you to check them out forthwith.

One point I thought could benefit from a little more reflection, though, is Elizabeth’s initial reaction to a call she received during a recent radio interview.  She says….

One mother called into the show wondering about how to present the Theology of the Body to her ten-year-old daughter.  My answer, or rather, my non-answer was that Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body was developed over a series of audiences during the seventies and eighties. It makes for complex and sometimes difficult reading, and many intelligent minds disagree on its practical application.  I think it might be a mistake to use Theology of the Body as a starting point for thinking about or talking to our kids about sex.

I would both agree and disagree with her point.   For example;  if you see TOB as a series of philosophical reflections on the nature of the person broken up into 130-ish segments and delivered over 5 years and intended for a largely academic audience, well, yeah.  TOB would be a terrible place to start talking to kids about sex–or anything for that matter.

This view of TOB is certainly correct as far as it goes, but I would respectfully suggest that it misses the larger point, and this would be where I have my limited disagreement with Elizabeth’s otherwise terrific post.

What Does it all Mean?

Pope John Paul II said that he developed TOB in an attempt to provide people with an “adequate anthropology.”  What does that mean?   Well, you’ve probably noticed that lots of people have lots of different opinions about what it means to be a healthy person, what it means to be in a healthy relationship, what it means to be authentically Christian, and even what it means to be authentically Catholic.  When Pope John Paul II said he wanted to present an “adequate anthropology” he meant he was presenting his answer to those questions.

If we accept that he knew what he was talking about, then I think that makes the case for why it is completely appropriate to ask the question, “How do I teach TOB to a 10yo?”  Or a 7yo, or a 4yo, or a baby for that matter.

Huh?

Well, again, if TOB is just a phenomenological reflection on both the Book of Genesis and the nature of embodied love, then TOB would be a tremendously stupid place to start the sexual formation of any child.  BUT, if the TOB simply uses this academic reflection as a launching off point to answer the rather profound but straightforward questions I mentioned above, then its exactly the place to start.  What parent doesn’t want their child to know what it means to be a healthy person, to be in a healthy relationship, and what it means to be an authentically Catholic Christian person?

TOB proposes to help parents answer exactly these questions.

TOB:  A Lesson Plan

Another reason the TOB is exactly the place to start the sexual education of our children is that it gives a parent the lens through which to apply all the other recommendations Elizabeth makes.  She is absolutely right to recommend teaching children the bible, the catechism, the rules, and being a good model of love in marriage.   But there are lots of different ways to do these things.  

For instance, there are many ways to read the Bible (a book of stories?  a book of commands?  a book that proclaims an angry God?  a book that proclaims a cuddly God? etc.).  TOB gives Catholics a very specific lens through which to read the bible (e.g., a book that reveals the evolving love story between God and his people; a story that begins and ends in nuptial union with God).

Likewise, there are many different ways one could view the Catechism (a book of rules?  a book of answers? a doorstop? etc.).  TOB gives Catholics a very specific lens through which to view the Catechism (e.g., a book the reveals the basics of our quest to understand the heart of God and his plan for humankind).

Similarly, there are many ways we could teach morality (a list of don’ts?, a list of reasons “God’s gonna getcha”?, a list of ways to be impure? etc.).   TOB gives us a very specific way of talking about morality (e.g., a call to love ourselves and others as persons instead of viewing ourselves and others as things).

Finally, lots of couples think they are presenting a healthy model of love in their homes (be strict? be indulgent? put kids first?  put marriage first? put work first?  use contraception? be providentialist? etc.).  TOB provides a very specific model of what love looks like (e.g., it is embodied,  dedicated to meeting the needs of the “unique and unrepeatable” other, and always images the intimate and extravagant nature of God’s love for us).

Teaching a 10yo TOB

Teaching TOB to a 10yo, or a 5yo or a baby doesn’t mean sitting them down and saying, “Repeat after me, child.  ‘The body and it alone makes visible that which is invisible…’ “)

Oy, vey.  I can’t imagine something more stupid or horrible.  Elizabeth and anyone else would be absolutely right to be allergic to that idea.  Fortunately, I don’t think that’s what teaching TOB to kids really means.

I would suggest that teaching TOB to kids means presenting the Bible as the love story between God and his people that begins and ends in union with him.   It means discussing the Catechism in a manner that conveys that it reveals the basics of our quest to understand the intimate heart of God and his loving plan for his people.  It means discussing morality, not in terms of rules and punishments and lines we may tiptoe up to but never cross, but as a guide to what it means to be truly loving to ourselves and others.  And it means presenting a model of love that is openly physically affectionate, ordered to meeting the unique needs of every family member, is extravagantly generous (and expects extravagant generosity in return), and is rooted in a life of both communal and individual prayer.

Anytime  parents do these things, they are teaching TOB to their kids.  TOB isn’t supposed to be a subject we study.  If that’s all it is, then it is useless even as an intellectual exercise.   As an “adequate anthropology”  TOB was always intended to be a message we live; the internal structure that guides our thinking, relating, and decision making as we live the gospel of Jesus Christ and labor to build his Kingdom (aka the “Civilization of Love.”)

TOB Not an Idea.  A Way of Life.

TOB’s power is not as an intellectual property.  It’s power is as a lifestyle that takes our narcissistic, disposable culture by the collar and shocks it into reality through both a stunning display of what real, self-donative love looks like and by bearing witness to the amazing ability self-donative love has to facilitate the flourishing of the human person.

And I do happen to think those are lessons that are worth conveying to a child of any age.

If you’re interested in how to make these lessons a reality in your family, I’d invite you to check out Beyond the Birds and the Bees:  Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids and for a look at what it means to build a family around the principles of the TOB, pick up a copy of Parenting with Grace:  A Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

Coming Friday on More2Life: Giving & Receiving–Finding the Balance

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Coming Fri on More2Life– Giving and Receiving–Finding the Balance:  As Christians we’re called to be self-donative–heroically generous–to others.  But there are still times it’s ok to say “no” to requests.  And we do have a right to make sure that our needs are met as well.  Today on M2L, we’ll look at finding the balance between giving and receiving.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about those times when you feel like you’re having to give too much.

WIN A FREE BOOK!  (Details below).

Thurs Q of the D:  (Two-Fer.  Answer one or both).

1.   When are you most likely to feel that you’re giving too much?

2.   For some people, telling others what they need is easy.  For others, it’s really hard.  What is it like for you to let others know what your needs are?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday.

This is a great way to get that title you haven’t read yet, or get a book for a friend who really needs it!  Enter every day to win.  This week’s featured title is:  The Life God Wants You to Have:  Discovering the Divine Plan When Human Plans Fail. 

Winners will be contacted by FB message following the drawing Friday afternoon.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio  IPhone  or Android App (Check your app store!),
~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net
~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

Coming Mon on More2Life Radio: Simple Gifts.

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The Theology of the Body reminds us that we can only “find ourselves” by making a sincere gift of ourselves.

Today on M2L Radio, we’re looking at the simple ways you try to make a sincere gift of yourself to others and the ways others have made a gift of themselves to you.  We’ll also talk about those times when people struggle to receive the gifts you want to give them.

Call in with your stories of the joys and challenges of giving and receiving the gift of self, Noon-1pm Eastern at 877-573-7825.

ALSO, Don’t forget to answer our M2L Q of the D:   (two-fer.  Answer one or both)   1) Give an example of a simple way you have tried to make a gift of yourself to the people in your life OR a way someone has made a gift of themselves to you.  2)  Share a time when someone struggled to receive, or even rejected, the gift (i.e., of love, care, or faith) you tried to give them.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch archives of the program by downloading the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)