Toddler Moms Hatin’ on The Popcak

I got this funny but heartfelt message from a reader who felt some frustration after reading my post on the negative effects of yelling at kids. 

Dr. Popcak, you’re destroying all my parenting tactics one by one. I kind of hate you right now. (But really, can you write this post but apply it to toddlers? Because they don’t really listen that well. And also, I  have no clue what to do with these small little savages. It’s like Lord of the Flies up in here.)

Challenge accepted.  Let’s start with a little bit of understanding about toddler development.

Toddlers brains have not developed to the point where they can connect actions with consequences.  They are learning to do this, but a child can’t consistently imagine that “committing X action leads to Y result every single time” until about age 7–what the Church calls (based on the work of developmental psychologists like Jean Piaget)  the “age of reason.”

Inside the Toddler’s Brain.

Toddlers are moving from the sensorimotor stage of cognitive development (where they are learning to control their body and master intentional movement) into the pre-operational stage (where they are developing memory and their imagination).  Later–around age 7–the child’s imagination develops to the point that they can see, in their minds eye, that “When I do X action, Y consequence happens every time.”  Until then (i.e., from about 20mos -7yrs) the child easily confuses imagination with reality.  They know that consequence Y could follow action X, but it is, to the pre-operational mind, just as likely that flowers will burst out of your left nostril.  At this age, if I can imagine it, it actually could happen.  (which, incidentally, is why some parents become frustrated with their young child’s “lies.”  The child will stare at the parent and say something that is obviously not true to the adult, but for the young child, if he can imagine it happening, that’s as good as it actually happening.)

Toddler Discipline

So, what does all this mean for toddler discipline?  It means that you can’t use any strategies that presume the child knows and remembers anything from one time to the next.  Strategies like time-outs work great with kids 5 and up, but don’t do much for littler children–especially toddlers– who get lost in their imaginations and forget why they are in the time-out chair the second you walk away.  Punishments (spanking, yelling, taking things away) are basically useless too, because the toddler doesn’t really understand why he’s being punished (he knows you’re mad,  and it has something to do with what just happened, but he’s not sure what) and won’t remember that he will probably receive the same punishment next time.

Because toddlers are in the  learning phase of rules, expectations,  and consequences (as opposed to the compliance phase)–and will be for several years yet–parents need to break toddler discipline into three emphases.

1.  Prevention,  Supervision, Structure

Because toddlers struggle to connect actions with consistent consequences, the best focus of toddler discipline is removing as many temptations as possible (so the child can learn behavioral lessons with as few distractions as possible), and providing near constant supervision so that the child can get immediate, consistent, feedback about what he can and can’t do.  Repetition yields results.

Regarding supervision, keep your toddler with you as you move about the house.  Have him “help” in his toddler way with the chores you’re doing.  In other words, he can’t fold socks, but he could put all the unfolded socks in a neat pile next to you, or find all the blue socks, etc.   Supervising a toddler doesn’t mean having to just sit on the floor and play all day.  You can get things done too.  You just need to be a little creative about how you have your toddler “share” in your work or keep him busy while you do your work.

Structure refers to the rhythm of your day.  The more consistently things happen in the same order and more-or-less at the same time the more your toddler will learn, via muscle memory, what is expected and when.  Structure also refers to the fact that toddlers really don’t do well when they are left on their own for even short  periods.  Never underestimate the toddler’s ability to get into everything the second you turn around.  The more you can creatively engage them, the happy you and your toddler will be.

2.  Redirection

It is fine to say, “no” to a toddler of course, but it is much more effective to say, “do THIS instead.”  Disciplining a toddler effectively really engages your creativity.  That said, don’t make it more difficult than it needs to be.  The ways you redirect a toddler don’t have to be involved and complicated.  It’s all in how you sell it.  If your toddler is fascinated with the electrical outlet, he will learn to be infinitely more fascinated with….well, just about anything you’d rather direct his attention to if you call out in your most excited voice, “O. MY. GOODNESS!  LOOK at THIS!  Do you SEE this, honey?  WOOOOOOW!”  The sillier you can be, the more over the top, the more fascinating the object will be, even if it is the socks referred to above.

3.  Lots of Praise

Toddlers LOVE praise and affection. They eat it up.   The more you praise them for doing things you want them to do or that are appropriate to do, the more quickly they will learn to do those things instead of other, less appropriate things. Catch your child begin good as often as possible and your life will get a lot easier as the parent of a toddler.

In short, toddler discipline isn’t about punishing the child for having “forgotten” rules or even indicating displeasure with the poor choices they make.  It is about teaching them what the rules are–over and over and over–praising them when they get it right, and providing the structure and supervision that seeks to guarantee success.

And for those parents who feel a little overwhelmed at how much work parenting is, be of good cheer.  God is working in your heart through your efforts.  He is cracking our hearts open to receive all the love he wants to give us. Hold on to that and remember, when you’re tired of reminding your toddler for the 30,000th time to keep his fork in his hand and not on the floor, how often God has to remind you to do what he’s asked.  Draw from his patience and compassion when yours is running dry.

For more ideas on effective discipline with toddlers, check out Parenting with Grace:  The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids (2nd ed. revised and expanded).

 

 

 

Women in Bikinis May More Easily Avoid Potentially Abusive Partners, Study Says(?)

OK, OK, the headline is a joke, but there’s a serious point behind it that I think those of us who value true purity as opposed to cheap knockoffs need to reckon with.  This past Summer I’ve been reading a lot about the 2009 Princeton study that, according to some sources, found that men can’t help but view women in bikinis as objects instead of persons. 

I hadn’t had time to read the study before now,  but I finally got around to it this past weekend and I have to say that the study really doesn’t appear to say what people are claiming it does.

What The Study Actually Says

The original study was titled, From agents to objects: sexist attitudes and neural responses to sexualized targets.  I have the full study in front of me, but the link goes behind an academic library firewall so I can’t post it here.  The abstract is, however, in the public domain so I’m posting it in italics below.  (Don’t get freaked out by the academic language.  In fact, feel free to skip it if you like.  It’s pretty murky stuff.  I’ll walk you though it, but since the post has the potential to be a bit controversial, I wanted to be sure to show my math. Also, I am taking the liberty of highlighting the most relevant passages for easier understanding of the results).

ABSTRACT:  Agency attribution is a hallmark of mind perception; thus, diminished attributions of agency may disrupt social-cognition processes typically elicited by human targets. The current studies examine the effect of perceivers’ sexist attitudes on associations of agency with, and neural responses to, images of sexualized and clothed men and women. In Study 1, male (but not female) participants with higher hostile sexism scores more quickly associated sexualized women with first-person action verbs (“handle”) and clothed women with third-person action verbs (“handles”) than the inverse, as compared to their less sexist peers. In Study 2, hostile sexism correlated negatively with activation of regions associated with mental state attribution-medial prefrontal cortex, posterior cingulate, temporal poles-but only when viewing sexualized women. Heterosexual men best recognized images of sexualized female bodies (but not faces), as compared with other targets’ bodies; however, neither face nor body recognition was related to hostile sexism, suggesting that the fMRI findings are not explained by more or less attention to sexualized female targets. Diminished mental state attribution is not unique to targets that people prefer to avoid, as in dehumanization of stigmatized people. The current studies demonstrate that appetitive social targets may elicit a similar response depending on perceivers’ attitudes toward them.

Clear as mud, right?

Basically, what all this means is that the study sets out to determine not how the way women dress affects men, but how people who exhibit views consistent with “hostile sexism” vs. “benevolent sexism” view women who are dressed in different ways.  In other words, the study did not attempt to examine whether bikinis caused men to view women as objects.  Rather, it asked what sort of men are most inclined to look at women as objects, especially if they were wearing something like a bikini.  Would all men objectify women who were dressed more provocatively?  Or would only men who exhibited either benevolent sexist attitudes or hostile sexist attitudes  be more likely to view the provocatively dressed women as objects?

Internal Control Fallacy is Intact

If the study actually set out to determine whether bikinis caused men to view women as objects, the researchers would have an uphill battle in front of them.  That’s because there are decades and decades of research demonstrating that the idea that one person can be directly responsible for another’s emotional reactions is patently false.  This idea – that one person’s behavior causes another person’s feelings – is called the “internal control fallacy”  (see #7 here).  The internal control fallacy figures prominently in abusive and codependent relationships especially, where the abused person believes that if she could just figure out the “right” way to act, she could get her abuser to stop treating her cruelly or thinking of her poorly.  Many well-meaning people in the Church unfortunately buy into this myth, believing that, depending upon how they dress, women cause men to feel a certain way.  This is simply another manifestation of the internal control fallacy which has been shown, again, by decades of data, to be a false and unhealthy belief that tends to undermine emotional and relational health.    If the study was actually trying to overturn such an established principle as the internal control fallacy as it relates to fashion and lust it would have caused quite a stir.  The fact that it attempted no such thing makes much more sense.

Hostile vs.  Benevolent Sexism.

Again, what the study actually examined was how men with “hostile” versus “benevolent” sexist attitudes viewed women, especially women dressed in a more revealing manner. According to the study, men who exhibit”hostile” sexist attitudes tend to  “strongly agree” with statements such as “Once a woman gets a man to commit to her, she usually tries to put him on a tight leash.”  By contrast, men who exhibit “benevolent” sexist attitudes tend to “strongly agree” with statements on a survey such as “A good woman should be set on a pedestal by her man”

What the study found was that, when exposed to pictures of women in bikinis, men who scored high in hostile sexist attitudes (as opposed to the other men in the study) tended to view women as objects both cognitively and neurologically.  Cognitively, men who had high levels of hostile sexism tended, on a word association test, to have a preference for 1st person words indicating use instead of agency (e.g., words like “use” instead of “uses”, “push” instead of “pushes”  etc.).  The researches assert that this preference for these particular words indicates a tendency to objectify women dressed in a more revealing way.  Some people might say that’s a bit of a stretch but there is justification in the literature for this assertion.  Likewise, neurologically, men who exhibit high levels of hostile sexism also exhibit low levels of activity in the part of the brain responsible for empathy and higher levels of activity in the part of the brain responsible for manipulating objects (as determined by fMRI).    This offers a pretty strong case from both cognitive science and neuroscience that men who exhibit hostile sexist attitudes will be more likely to objectify women who are more provocatively dressed.

Results: Good Men Do Not Objectify Women No Matter How They Are Dressed

Interestingly though, the study also found that men who were not hostile sexists or exhibited attitudes consistent with benevolent sexism, did not objectify the women dressed in a more revealing manner.    This finding actually is directly contrary to the assertion of the religious promoters of this study who imply or directly state that bikini-clad women cause all men to view them as objects.  This assertion is not supported by the data.  Only men with hostile sexist attitudes toward women viewed provocatively dressed women as objects.   Men who were not sexist or who had benevolent sexist attitudes did not objectify women dressed in a more revealing fashion and, in fact, did not view the bikini images any differently than women participants in the study!

So, here are the actual take-aways from this study.

1.  Bikini’s do not cause men to lust.  This was not even the focus of this study but if it was, decades of data refute this idea which is founded upon the internal control fallacy.

2.  Only men who are hostile toward women in the first place tended to view women as objects when they were dressed in a more revealing manner.  By contrast, men who had benevolent attitudes toward women did not display either cognitive or neurological signs of objectifying bikini-clad women.

3.  Men who are hostile sexists do a better job hiding their pre-existing negative attitudes around women who dress more conservatively.

All this leads to my tongue-in-cheek title for this post.  There is real potential danger in the finding that men with pre-existing hostile sexist attitudes do not as readily display these attitudes around more conservatively dressed women.   It could be argued, based solely on the findings of this study, that women who only dress conservatively are more likely be fooled into marrying men who actually see them as objects, but who don’t overtly display these attitudes until the relationship becomes sexual after  marriage.  After marriage this otherwise conservative woman suddenly becomes sexualized in the hostile sexist’s mind.  His hostile sexism–which was only lurking around the corners before– now presents front and center much to the surprise and chagrin of the woman.  Come to think of it, I actually have clients who have fallen into exactly this trap.

By contrast, a different woman who was more comfortable with the idea of wearing a bikini at the beach in front of her boyfriend might actually be more likely to experience her boyfriend’s hostile sexist attitudes–if he had any–before she marries him and thus, be able to dump him before it’s too late.

Let me be clear….I am NOT seriously suggesting that women should dress provocatively to weed out potentially abusive partners.  That would be stupid.

But as ridiculous as it would be to assert this idea, the above would be a more logical conclusion–based solely on the data presented in this study–than the conclusion many have drawn from it.  Holding up this study to support the spurious idea that women cause men to lust by what they wear is completely inappropriate because this study does not, in fact, say anything like that at all.  In fact, it says the opposite because the benevolent sexists in the study (as opposed to the hostile sexists) didn’t actually objectify the women in bikinis.  It was the viewers attitudes that determined objectification, not the way the women were dressed.

In a word, the study shows that bad men objectify women and good men don’t–regardless of what they’re wearing.

The other day, I posted a link to a terrific article about an imagined conversation between a father and his son. It really struck a cord with many readers.  I’d like to close this reflection with an excerpt from that piece by Nate Pyle.

There are two views regarding a woman’s dress code that you will be pressured to buy into.  One view will say that women need to dress to get the attention of men.  The other view will say women need to dress to protect men from themselves.  Son, you are better than both of these.  A woman, or any human being, should not have to dress to get your attention.  You should give them the full attention they deserve simply because they are a fellow human being.  On the other side, a woman should not have to feel like she needs to protect you from you.  You need to be in control of you.

Unfortunately, much of how the sexes interact with each is rooted in fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of abuse, fear of being out of control.  In some ways, the church has added to this.  We fear each other because we have been taught the other is dangerous.  We’ve been a taught a woman’s body will cause men to sin.  We’re told that if a woman shows too much of her body men will do stupid things.  Let’s be clear: a woman’s body is not dangerous to you.  Her body will not cause you harm.  It will not make you do stupid things.  If you do stupid things it is because you chose to do stupid things.  So don’t contribute to the fear that exists between men and women.  MORE

Finally, if you’d like to learn how to raise children who know who to not objectify themselves or others and not be afraid of God’s plan for love and relationships. Check out Beyond the Birds and the Bees (2nd Ed. Revised and Expanded)

Yelling Makes Parenting Harder, Study Says. (+5 Things To Do Instead.)

Last week, the University of Pittsburgh and the University of Michigan released the results of a study that showed that yelling at teens actually aggravated problematic behavior rather than extinguishing it.  Likewise, teens who were consistently yelled at had higher incidences of depression, school problems, lying, stealing and fighting than kids who did not experience “harsh verbal punishment.”

Researchers also found that the more parents yelled, the more they felt they needed to yell as the problem behaviors increased creating a vicious cycle of yelling begetting bad behavior which begat more yelling.  Most interestingly, the researchers also found that a strong parent-child bond did not protect children or parents from the negative consequences of yelling that I listed above.

In my experience, parents who yell often feel powerless.  They tend to threaten and have a less effective approach to applying consequences.   Often these parents will lift consequences once they no longer feel angry instead of letting the consequence stay in place until the child has demonstrated not just a change in immediate behavior, but a change of heart.    Here are 5 things parents can do that are more effective than yelling.

1.  Collect the child

When teen commits an offense, it is often because they have fallen out of rapport with you.  The result is that they either stop caring about offending you or fail, for some reason, to seek your advice before acting.   The first step in disciplining a child of any age–especially adolescence–is “collecting” him or her.  That is, quietly saying, “Come here.  Let’s talk.”  Followed by some display of physical affection.  Collecting the teen puts him or her in a place where he or she is now willing to hear what you are saying instead of simply reacting defensively to every word that comes out of your mouth.  It can be hard to remember to collect your teen when you’re angry, but this simple stpe can spell the difference between a compliant cooperative teen and WWIII.  Your choice.

2.  Seek to Understand.

Now that you’ve collected your child and he or she is more receptive to your guidance, seek to understand what your son or daughter was thinking when he or she committed the offense.  Don’t interrogate.  Ask, honestly and gently, with a sincere desire to understand your son or daughter’s intention.  Questions like, “What made you decide to do that?”  “What did you hope would happen when you decided to X?”  “What message were you trying to send?”  “What were you trying to accomplish by choosing Y?”  are good places to start.  Don’t accept, “I don’t know” as an answer.  Take a break if you need to, but let your child know that you deserve real answers that will enable you to help him or her do better next time.  And don’t let your kid off the hook until you get those answers.  (As an aside, if your teen consistently refuses to answer your questions or stalls interminably  with “I don’t know.”  That’s a clear sign counseling is probably indicated).

3.  Brainstorm Solutions

Now that you know the intention behind your teen’s behavior, it’s time to come up with other ways your child could meet that need.

*Was the intention behind your teen’s disrespect a flawed attempt at telling you she was angry?  What words should she use next time to convey her message?

*Did your son miss curfew because he lost track of time?  Perhaps he needs to set his phone alarm in front of you before he goes out for the next few weeks to demonstrate that he will remember when he needs to go.

The goal of discipline is not so much punishment as it is to give the child the guidance, tools, and support he or she needs to succeed next time and the time after that.  Whenever possible, treat misbehavior as a learning experience more than a failure of character.   If you can go into disciplining your teen with the attitude that it is your job  to figure out how to improve future compliance as opposed to merely demonstrating your frustration with them, you will be on the right track.

4.  Apply Consequences Appropriately.

Additional consequences are not always necessary but when they are, make sure they are not time-limited but behavior-limited.  For instance grounding a teen “for a week” usually means that the teen will wait out his week and then return to business as usual–bad behavior included.  That’s a waste of time and energy.

Instead, tell your son, “Because you came home late again, even after  we talked about setting your phone alarm, you are grounded for at least a week. During that time you will show me that you are able to remember what I ask of you by doing chores without being reminded.  We will review your progress at the end of the week.  If you have been consistently thoughtful and attentive to our expectations, you will be released from grounding.  If not, you will be given another week of grounding to continue practicing being thoughtful and attentive.  And so on, and so on, until I see that you are trustworthy.”

See the difference?  With the latter arrangement, the teen’s behavioral change and change of heart is the key to his freedom, not the mere passage of time.

5.  Revisit and Revise the Plan as Necessary.

Adolescence is complicated.  New situations arise all the time that make old solutions obsolete.  If a plan you developed with your teen stops working, don’t get exasperated.   Repeat the steps above and develop a new plan that take into account the changed circumstances.  Teens will behave if they know that 1) you are committed to helping them succeed and 2) you are committed to helping them get whatever they think they need in the most godly and efficient way possible.  By contrast teens will misbehave when they feel like they can’t win and/or if they see you as an obstacle to getting their needs met.  Using the steps I’ve outlined here works better than yelling because it gets you and your kid on the same side of solving the problem and has you working together to develop a plan for future success instead of competing to see who can make the other more miserable.

For more ideas on how to raise godly teens, check out Parenting with Grace:  A Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids. (2nd Ed.  revised and expanded)  or, if you need some personal support to help you get your relationship with your teens in order, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Tele-Counseling Practice to work with a faithful Catholic therapist who can get your family life back on track.

The Power of Spiritual Parenthood

To be honest, I have always struggled with the idea of spiritual parenthood.  I’m ashamed to say that it never struck me to be “as good” as the “real thing.”  I’ve had a few experiences lately that are changing that for me and deepening my understanding of the power and significance of spiritual motherhood and fatherhood.

In my role as a member of the adjunct faculty at Franciscan University and as advisor to the men’s Theology of the Body household on campus, I’ve seen the number of young men and women–even those who come from faithful homes–who are aching for a healthy image of what a mother and father are.  We regularly have students at our house for various things and my wife and I are consistently surprised by the compliments we get for things we take for granted about family life.  “You guys get along so great together!”   “You all laugh so much.  It’s so nice to be in a home where people like each other.”  Simple things like having a group of kids over for an inexpensive spaghetti dinner have yielded levels of gratitude that go way beyond simple politeness.   The kids are calling my wife “Mama Popcak”  (which simultaneously warms her heart and makes her feel 1000 years old).  They seem to light up when I show up, unexpected, at school events and I’m not really sure why except that they seem genuinely and deeply touched that I care about them.   We’re having a real and, frankly, surprising impact on the lives of these young men and women without really even trying.  It just drives home to me how much the world, and especially our young people, are starving for adults to love them.

It’s giving me a new appreciation for people who really have mastered the art of spiritual motherhood and fatherhood.  It was in light of all this that I rediscovered this song by Sara Groves.  It is probably the most powerful testament to the significance of spiritual parenthood I’ve ever encountered.  Take a moment to listen.  Just do it someplace where you can cry like a baby because I’ve never been able to get through the first verse–not once–without bursting into tears.  It’s worth it though, trust me.

(Apologies.  The only version I can find online was used as a background for someone’s youtube video of a mission trip, but I think it’s pretty effective all the same.)

Marriage Enemy #1

People often ask me what the biggest problem affecting marriages is.  They usually expect me to say something like, “poor communication”, “infidelity”, “drugs and alcohol” and the like.

All of these are important problems, of course and they are, unfortunately, common.  But they are not the most common or even the most serious problem undermining marriages in my estimation.  In fact, the real problem is what often causes all of these other issues.  So, what is the most common marriage problem couples present with?  Namely; it is that husbands and wives tend to love their own comfort zones and preferences more than they love each other.

There isn’t anything wrong with having preferences and wants.  In fact, respecting each other’s preferences and desires is key to a healthy relationship.  The problem is a matter of degree. Inevitably, our desires and preferences conflict from time to time.  The healthy couple learns a dance that enables them to be sufficiently  generous and accommodating in their day to day interactions–even when they are being asked to step outside their comfort zones–that they each don’t mind when the other occasionally needs a break from the self-donation that represents the norm.

By contrast, the less happy couple tends to double-down when one perceives that his or her comfort zone is being threatened.   Instead of looking for ways to take care of each other, they get selfish and try to push what they want  without regard for how it makes the other feel.

Dr Scott Stanley has a great example of this in his description of a couple’s conversation he witnessed.   Long-term love and commitment—and definitely marriage—require long-term, consistent sacrifices one for another. Sure, there are times when we don’t sacrifice (too many of them in most marriages). But I wondered if this incident was part of a pattern. I hope not. If it is a pattern, and they stay together, she’s in for more cold times ahead.

He also describes the antidote to the problem.  Check out his post.

(For more ideas to make your marriage great, check out For Better…FOREVER!  A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage)

This Guy Gets It–THIS is how to talk to your boys about girls.

This guy totally gets it.   This is probably the best example of Theology-of-the-Body based parenting I have ever read and his son is a lucky boy.  I want all you parents out there–and especially you dads out there–to  read this, memorize it, and repeat it to your kids.  THIS is the way to talk to your boys about girls.

Someday I am going to have to have the conversation with my son.  No, not the conversation all parents dread giving and all kids are mortified having.  I enjoy making people uncomfortable so that conversation should be fun.

No, I’m talking about another conversation.  The one that happens after I catch his eye doing what male eyes do well – following an object of lust.  We will probably be out at the mall, because that’s what dads do with their sons, and I’ll catch the look.  Maybe we’ll go to the beach and see it.  Doesn’t matter where it is, there will come a time when I will see it.  And then it will be time for this conversation.  MORE