Marriage Is About So Much More Than “Who’s the Boss?”

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Mary Beth’s husband is, by most measures, a good man: hardworking, generous, and devoted to his family.

“But there’s another side of him that I’m struggling with,” she wrote in an email to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “Whenever I or one of the kids tries to raise a concern or if I gently suggest that he could have handled a situation differently, he explodes. He accuses me of disrespecting him, of trying to take over, of not honoring him as the head of the family. The conversation stops being about whatever the actual issue was and becomes about defending himself.”

Friends in her Bible study suggested that she stop criticizing him. “I don’t want to criticize him,” her letter continued. “I want to connect with him. But I’m starting to shut down emotionally and I don’t know how to reach him without setting him off. Is there a loving way forward here, or am I the problem?”

‘Be Subject to One Another’

The problem isn’t with Mary Beth, but with some common misunderstandings about what it means to be “head of the family” — and what true love really looks like.

A recent study found that 31 percent of Gen Z men — double the rate of boomers — believe wives should obey their husbands in all things. The trend may be connected with the wider movement to get back to more “traditional” values.

Among Christians, the belief that wives should submit to their husbands in all things often has its roots in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior” (5:21-23).

But the way that passage is sometimes interpreted is more idolatrous than Christian, the Popcaks said in their response to Mary Beth.

“Headship is not about bossing your wife and kids around,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s about setting the tone for service and spirituality in the home.”

To understand what genuine headship looks like, Dr. Popcak suggests looking to the role of the priest at Mass. The priest doesn’t dictate to the congregation — he presides in a way that makes the ordinary holy and draws everyone into a deeper relationship with God.

“The pagan vision of headship is autocratic and top-down: do what I say,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian vision is really liturgical. It’s about facilitating encounters with Christ in my home, making the faith the source of the warmth in my home, and being the servant leader who shows my family what it means to live sacrificial love.”

This isn’t a new idea. St. John Paul II offers a similar understanding in Familiaris Consortio: “Authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: ‘You are not her master,’ writes St. Ambrose, ‘but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife…. Reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love’” (#25).

And the pope was even more direct in his Theology of the Body catechesis on Ephesians 5:21-23: “The mutual relations of husband and wife should flow from their common relationship with Christ,” the pope said. “Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband, an object of unilateral domination.”

Real Love Works for the Good of the Other

What does this mean for someone like Mary Beth? When Dr. and Lisa Popcak addressed her question on air, they affirmed her desire for a “loving way forward,” but with some important clarifications.

First, Dr. Popcak explained that as much as her husband may mean well, he “learned growing up that it wasn’t okay to ever be wrong.” As a result, rather than using spiritual resources for the good of the family, he used them to defend himself.

Second, the Popcaks pointed out that accommodating his woundedness wasn’t really loving him. Real love means working for the good of the other, and in this case, that means inviting him to grow in wholeness and holiness.

Dr. Popcak suggested a basic script for that message: “I love you and I realize you’re trying to do your best. I’m not the enemy here, and neither are the kids. But you’re treating us like we are. And I love you too much to let that go on any longer…. So either we can work this out, you and I, or we can work this out with a counselor, but we’re going to work it out because I love you too much to let this continue any longer because it’s poisoning the family.”

That’s not necessarily an easy or comfortable conversation. Dr. Popcak said that many of his clients veer away from such a direct, honest call to conversion. But that’s a mistake.

As Lisa Popcak put it: “Saying ‘I just wish you’d stop’ is not prophetic. It doesn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t come from a place of godly strength.”

The message has to be clear—and it has to come from love, not fear.

What True Headship Looks Like

The sort of headship that demands “submission in all things” is more akin to idolatry than genuine fidelity to the Gospel. For husbands genuinely trying to lead their families well, Dr. Popcak offers the following advice.

  •  Lead toward Christ, not toward yourself. Your role is to draw your wife and children into a deeper relationship with God. When you position yourself as the one everyone must tiptoe around, you’ve made yourself the center rather than Christ.
  •  Facilitate, don’t dictate. “If you’re the chairman of the board, you don’t dictate the agenda,” Dr. Popcak said. “You facilitate the conversation by which decisions happen together.”
  • Take point in the spiritual life of the home. Initiate family prayer, lead conversations of depth, and model sacrificial service — don’t wait for your wife to carry the spiritual weight of the household.
  •  Welcome correction. A man secure in his identity as a beloved son of God doesn’t need to be right all the time. When his wife or children say that something hurt them, his first response is humility — not defense.

The Catholic vision of the family roots the relationship between the spouses in their mutual obedience to Christ. Fulfilling that vision doesn’t diminish either spouse’s authority, but roots it in Christ. When both spouses understand that they are called to mutual submission, mutual service, and mutual love, their marriage can become what it was always meant to be: a living sign of Christ’s love for his Church.

For more on leading your family with sacrificial love, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book The Be-DAD-itudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad. And for one-on-one support with difficult marriage dynamics, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

What Alysa Liu Can Teach You About Not Letting the “Shoulds” Run the Show

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When Alysa Liu won gold at the Milan Olympics, she ended a 24-year U.S. “gold-medal drought” in women’s figure skating. That fact alone would have been enough to propel her to celebrity status.

But it isn’t so much her technical performance that has entranced ordinary fans and professional commentators alike; instead, people can’t stop talking about the attitude she carried onto the ice: loose, joyful, and unburdened by any expectations. Unlike other athletes at the Olympics who were undone by nerves, Liu’s relaxed, fun approach not only won gold, but fans’ hearts, too.

That performance caught the attention of pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac, who had been following the women’s figure skating competition. Liu, she says, shows what it looks like when a person works on getting out of their own way.

The “Shoulds” That Hold Us Back

“She doesn’t subscribe to the ‘shoulds,’” Rachael says, by which she means the self-talk that says, “you should do this, you shouldn’t do that.” Liu, for instance, was told during her early teens that she should practice every day, that she shouldn’t eat certain foods, and that she should value winning above all else.

The “shoulds” shape how we approach everyday opportunities, relationships, and decisions. They tell us we’re not ready, not qualified, not the kind of person who does this sort of thing. They keep us stuck.

From a psychological standpoint, Rachael explains, those “should” thoughts originate in the limbic system—the reactive, fear-driven part of the brain. Confidence, by contrast, draws on the prefrontal cortex—the part capable of solution-focused thinking: I have this strength that can help me figure this out as I go.

Nothing to Prove and Everything to Share

The Theology of the Body has something to say here, Rachael says. God has given each of us unique gifts, strengths, and talents—and we’re called to use them in our own specific way, not measure them against someone else’s.

“We’re all unique and unrepeatable people with our own gifts and strengths,” she says. Realizing the unique person God made us to be frees us from having to be like everyone else.

When our identity is grounded in God’s love for us, the uncertainty that might otherwise paralyze us evaporates. If God has equipped us with the gifts and strengths that we need and is always working with us, then we don’t have to have everything all figured out, nor do we need certainty about how things will turn out.

Liu’s ability to let go of outcomes — she famously said that it didn’t matter whether she medaled — enabled her to focus on simply sharing her gifts with the world, leading to her beautiful performance.

Rachael points to the motto she picked up from her dance instructor years ago: I have nothing to prove and everything to share. That phrase changed the entire dynamic of the class—and she sees it as exactly what Liu embodied on the ice in Milan.

Banish the “Shoulds” with These Three Steps

If you recognize the “should” trap in your own life, here are three practical steps to begin breaking free.

1. Write out your “shoulds”

The first move is awareness. Take a few minutes to identify and write down the “should” thoughts that most often run through your mind:

  •  I should be better at this.
  •  I should know where God is leading me before I act.
  •  Everyone else is panicking; shouldn’t I be anxious, too?
  •  Everyone expects me to take this promotion, so I should probably take it.

Getting them on paper creates some distance. You’re no longer just living inside those thoughts—you can look at them.

2. Label each one: helpful or hurtful?

Once you have your list, go through it and ask yourself honestly whether each thought is helping you move forward or holding you back. “If I recognize consciously that this ‘should,’ this thought that I’m having, is actually hurtful,” Rachael says, “it’s easier for our brain to disconnect from it a little bit instead of getting locked down on it.”

This isn’t about dismissing hard truths. It’s about noticing when a thought is driving you toward fear and rigidity rather than toward God and growth.

3. Write a counter thought—grounded in evidence

For each hurtful “should,” write a replacement thought that is both helpful and true. Not wishful thinking, but evidence-based: the actual gifts and strengths you bring to this situation.

“A lot of times those ‘shoulds’ aren’t evidence-based,” Rachael says. “They’re emotionally based.” A counter thought anchors you in reality—including the reality that God is present and working in you.

You can close this exercise with prayer: Lord, help me to see where you’re leading me. Help me to see and acknowledge the gifts and strengths you’ve given me. Help me to trust that you’re going to continue to empower me through those gifts and strengths, so that I can keep acting even when there’s uncertainty.

Getting Out of the Way

Alysa Liu didn’t suppress her nerves through sheer willpower; she had done enough inner work to stop letting the “shoulds” run the show—which freed her to be fully present, fully herself, and fully capable of doing what she’d trained to do.

The same is possible for the rest of us. When we stop measuring ourselves against a checklist of “shoulds” and start trusting the gifts God has actually given us, we stop holding ourselves back. We can act, move, and let God direct us from there.

For more personalized support in building this kind of God-grounded confidence, reach out to Rachael Isaac or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Always Mean Reconciliation

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Kara hadn’t had contact with her abusive father for years — an intentional decision she felt was necessary for her safety and healing.

Recently, though, her father reached out, asking to reconnect.

“I’m honestly afraid to let him back into my life,” she wrote in a note to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “I don’t trust him, and I worry about exposing my children to someone who hurt me so deeply.

“When I told him no, he accused me of being unforgiving and unchristian. That really shook me. I believe in forgiveness, but I don’t know if forgiveness means putting myself or my family back in harm’s way. How do I forgive without pretending the past didn’t happen, and how do I honor God without ignoring my own boundaries?”

Kara isn’t alone in her dilemma; many faithful Christians face situations like hers: An ex-spouse who caused serious harm pushes for restored contact. A family member who has never acknowledged the damage they caused demands to be welcomed back in. Remembering Jesus’ command to forgive (even repeatedly), some people may feel pressured to restore a harmful relationship — or, alternatively, might feel guilty for saying “no.”

The key to situations like this, the Popcaks said, is to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

As Christians, we are called to lean into God’s abundant mercy and forgiveness, and then share that same mercy and forgiveness with one another, Dr. Popcak explained.

“But it’s important to understand what that really means,” Lisa Popcak added. “Forgiveness does not require us to pretend that an offense never happened or that things are better than they actually are.”

Instead, forgiveness means wanting to give up the desire to hurt somebody for having hurt you, Dr. Popcak said. It means getting to the place where you can genuinely wish the other person well — even when you don’t feel like it.

Reconciliation is a different matter entirely.

“Reconciliation means that the person who hurt you has done the work necessary to be safe to be around and build a relationship with,” Dr. Popcak explained.

Forgiveness is something you can give unilaterally, in your own heart, regardless of what the other person does. Reconciliation requires something from both sides — most importantly, genuine accountability from the one who caused the harm.

Kara had forgiven her father. That didn’t mean she was obligated to hand him access to her family.

Dr. Popcak pointed to something telling in Kara’s situation: her father’s response when she said no.

“If he was safe to be around, his response would have been, ‘I totally get that, and it breaks my heart that you feel that way, and I hope that someday you might feel differently, but I respect your boundary and I understand where you’re coming from based on the way that I’ve hurt you,'” Dr. Popcak said. “His calling you unchristian and unforgiving and trying to manipulate you into having a relationship speaks to how unsafe he still is.”

Maintaining the safe boundary with her father may have felt uncomfortable for Kara. However, as the Popcaks pointed out, that decision was actually a loving response to the situation.

For one thing, keeping her father at a distance until he is able to handle the relationship safely and responsibly is charitable toward him because it helps him avoid a near occasion of sin — a situation that predictably brings out the worst in us. For example, an alcoholic doesn’t put himself in a bar, and someone who loves an alcoholic doesn’t invite him into one either.

And as Lisa pointed out, Kara’s decision to keep a safe boundary between her father and her children was both appropriate and also a very real expression of love.

Sometimes working for the good of the other makes us feel uncomfortable. But in the end, the true measure of love isn’t how it makes us feel, but whether it truly seeks the best outcome for the other, and all involved — in this case, safety for herself and her kids, and real healing for her father.

Are We Ready to Reconcile? 3 Questions to Ask

If someone from your past is pushing for restored contact, the Popcaks’ framework suggests three honest questions worth sitting with before you respond.

1. Have they acknowledged the harm they caused?

Not a vague “I’m sorry if you were hurt” — but a clear, specific acknowledgment of what they did and how it affected you. A person who cannot name their offense is not in a position to repair it. Accountability is the foundation of reconciliation, and without it, the same patterns are likely to repeat.

2. How did they respond when you said no?

This is often the clearest signal available. A person who responds to your limits with guilt-tripping, pressure, or spiritual manipulation is showing you exactly where they still are. Let the response speak for itself.

3. Are you both strong enough?

Reconciliation isn’t just about whether you can handle it. Inviting someone into a situation they’re not equipped to handle isn’t mercy — it’s setting everyone up to fail.

Even a Closed Door Can Have a Key

As the Popcaks frequently remind, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries does not necessarily mean cutting off all possibility of a relationship. A healthy boundary is like a door that needs to be closed when a situation is not safe or healthy.

But at the same time, you are closing the door on that part of your relationship, you can also give the other person a key, a set of conditions that need to be met before true reconciliation is possible.

Dr. Popcak offered Kara a possible response to her father. Notice how it maintains a healthy boundary while also providing a key that her father can use, if he chooses: “The fact that rather than hearing what I was trying to say to you and responding with sensitivity, you tried to manipulate me and push your way into my life — that says to me that nothing’s changed,” Dr. Popcak suggested. “Until you can really accept responsibility for what you did and acknowledge the pain you’ve caused, it wouldn’t make sense for me to have you in my life. I will continue to pray for you, and I hope that someday you can hear this.”

That is a statement of genuine forgiveness. It wishes the other person healing. It provides the  key to a restored relationship. And it holds a clear line — not out of bitterness, but out of honesty about where things actually stand.

For more help thinking through a difficult relationship, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for one-on-one support, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Here’s How to Find the Confidence You Need to Move Ahead

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If you’ve ever taken a tumble down the stairs or slipped on a patch of ice, then you know the feeling: suddenly, you’re off balance, not in control—and you’re not quite sure how you’re going to land.

That same feeling, or something like it, can ambush us at other times in our lives, too. You open Instagram and see perfectly curated lives that make you wonder what you’re doing wrong. You brace for a tough meeting at work, feeling out of your depth. Or you walk into a gathering where everybody knows one another…except you.

Confidence. Just when we need it the most, it’s nowhere to be found.

So what can we do to find our footing again?

During a recent episode of their More2Life radio call-in show, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak offered surprising insights from St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

 

A Confidence Grounded in Humility

“The world says that confidence means puffing yourself up and pretending you’re unstoppable,” Dr. Greg said.

We’re not unstoppable, though, and while we can do some things on our own, it’s important to know and acknowledge our limits. When we fail to do that, our confidence is built on the shifting, unreliable sands of pride.

True confidence, though, is grounded in humility, Dr. Greg said: “It’s basically knowing, look, I can’t do this on my own, but I can accomplish all things when Christ is working in me and through me.”

Consider the woman who needs to set a boundary with a demanding friend but keeps putting off the conversation. Worldly confidence would tell her to psych herself up and power through.

Christian confidence starts in a completely different place: with the honest admission that she doesn’t know how this conversation will go, that she might mess it up, that she needs God’s help. That humility isn’t weakness, but the foundation for real confidence.

This is what Theology of the Body calls receptivity, Lisa Popcak said—the ability to listen to God in stressful or challenging moments so we’re not just relying on our own strength, instincts, or fears to guide us. Instead, we pause and ask: What is God asking of me in this specific situation? What grace is he offering me right now to handle it well?

“Confidence grows when we stay open to what God is asking of us and the grace he is giving us to do it well,” she said.

When you approach a difficult conversation or challenging decision this way, the goal shifts. It’s not just about getting through it; it’s about becoming more of who God made you to be in the process.

Three Steps to Cultivate Christian Confidence

1.     Start with prayer.

When you feel like you’re in over your head, pause to pray. Dr. Greg suggests this simple prayer: “Lord, I don’t know what I’m doing. Please teach me.” Those two sentences are about adopting an attitude of humility and receptivity, and they can form the basis for your own prayer.

2.    Ask for grace to respond well

“Ask for the grace to respond in a way that glorifies God, works for the good of everyone involved, and helps us to be our best selves,” Lisa Popcak advised.

This helps us to pivot from merely enduring the situation to embracing it as an opportunity for spiritual growth. Notice, too, how this prayer shifts the center of control from ourselves to God. Instead of praying, “Help me control this situation,” now we’re praying, “Help me respond with your wisdom and love.” That small change opens us to grace that works in ways control never could.

3.     Act in trust, not certainty

“We take that next step, not necessarily knowing how it’s going to work,” Dr. Greg explained, “but trusting that God has equipped us and will continue to give us what we need as we need it.”

The woman who’s been avoiding setting a boundary with her demanding friend doesn’t need to know exactly how her friend will respond. She just needs to take the next faithful step: making the phone call, saying the truth with kindness, trusting that God will provide the words and handle the outcome.

“Confidence isn’t bravado,” Dr. Greg said. “It’s the quiet, steady trust that Christ is walking with us every step of the way.”

A Prayer for True Confidence

When we shift from worldly confidence to Christian confidence, something liberating happens: The pressure to have all the answers lifts, and instead, we find ourselves able to act faithfully even when we’re afraid, to trust that God is working in us and through us.

Here’s a prayer for confidence that the Popcaks shared on their radio show. This is just an example of one way to pray for more confidence; let the Holy Spirit lead you to make your own prayer:

Lord Jesus Christ, we come into your presence and we acknowledge, Lord, that we don’t know how to do anything. And so we ask you to teach us how to respond to all the challenges that we face, to show us step by step how to respond in ways that glorify you, that help us be our best selves, and that lovingly challenge the people around us to be their best selves too. Help us to know step by step how to walk through the problems and challenges and complications in our life with a sense of hope and confidence in you, knowing that with each step we take as we face these problems and challenges, we’re growing closer to you. We’re growing stronger in our ability to trust in you and we’re recognizing that our confidence rests in you. We ask all this through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

For more help cultivating confidence to handle the challenges in your life, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Assertive Isn’t Selfish: A Catholic Guide to Healthy Love

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By Dr. Gregory Popcak

The Theology of the Body reminds us that Christian love is not meant to be one-sided. While we are certainly called to be generous, sacrificial, and attentive to the needs of others, we are not called to ignore or suppress our own needs. In fact, St. John Paul II taught that the key to healthy, holy Christian relationships is “mutual self-giving.” Love flourishes when everyone involved is committed to giving what they can for the good of the other—and to receiving that love in return.

One of the biggest misunderstandings Christians struggle with is the idea that acknowledging our needs—much less asserting them–is somehow contrary to living an authentic Christian life. But TOB teaches us something very different. God is the author of our needs. A need is not just something required to survive; it is anything necessary for us to flourish as the persons God created us to be. Emotional connection, respect, rest, affection, support, and meaning are not luxuries—they are part of God’s design for human life.

When our legitimate needs are met, we thrive. And when we thrive, God is glorified in our flourishing. This means it is not only appropriate but healthy to expect that the people who say they love us will be responsive to our needs, just as we strive to be responsive to theirs. Mutual responsiveness is not selfishness; it is the very structure of love.
This is where the distinction between assertiveness and selfishness becomes essential. A selfish person is focused exclusively on themselves. They want what they want, how they want it, and when they want it, with little concern for how that affects others. Christian assertiveness looks very different. A responsible, assertive Christian is clear and honest about what they need, but also remains flexible and respectful about how and when that need is met. The goal is not control; it is communion.

TOB reminds us that we were created for intimate communion with God and with one another. Intimacy cannot exist where needs are hidden, denied, or dismissed. True closeness grows when we are able to say, “This is what I need,” and when the other person can respond with generosity and care. Likewise, love deepens when we are willing to hear the needs of others without becoming defensive or dismissive.

Of course, expressing needs does not guarantee they will always be met perfectly or immediately. But consistently silencing ourselves out of fear, guilt, or a mistaken sense of holiness leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional distance. That kind of self-erasure does not reflect Christ. Jesus gave Himself completely—but He also rested, withdrew to pray, asked for support, and allowed others to minister to Him. Mutual self-gift always includes mutual care.

Healthy Christian relationships are not about keeping score or demanding perfection. They are about a shared commitment to help one another become more fully alive. When we learn to express our needs clearly and charitably, listen to the needs of others with compassion, and work together to find solutions that respect everyone involved, we begin to experience the kind of love God intended from the beginning.

In that kind of relationship, no one disappears. Everyone is seen. Everyone is invited to give—and to receive. And in that mutual self-giving, the love of God becomes visible in the world.

If you would like support it making this change in your life or relationships, reach out for personal support from our pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

When “Fixing” Loved Ones Doesn’t Work, What Next?

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Even professional counselors miss the mark sometimes. For Dr. Greg Popcak, that moment came a few decades ago. After several conversations with a friend who was going through a rough time, his friend finally said, “Greg, you’re making me feel like a project.”

Dr. Popcak thought he was doing everything right: listening carefully, identifying the issues, walking his friend through solutions. But his friend’s words hit home, helping him realize that he had made his friend’s problem the focus of their relationship rather than seeing him as a person, a beloved child of God.

“My intentions were good but, there you go,” Dr. Popcak said on a recent episode of the More2Life radio show. “And I think it happens to all of us where we want to be there for another person, but sometimes the way we’re choosing to be there for them just isn’t landing the way we thought it would.”

If you’ve ever tried to help someone you care about only to watch them push you away, shut down, or accuse you of meddling—well, you’re not the only one. Maybe they deny there’s even a problem. Maybe they listen but never change. Or maybe your efforts to help are keeping you up at night.

Whatever the case might be, when helping hurts more than heals, something needs to change. Here are four principles to follow so that your desire to help produces good fruit for both you and your loved one.

1. Prioritize the Person Over the Problem

As Dr. Popcak learned when he was trying to help his friend, when we make someone’s problem the center of our relationship with them, we’re no longer in communion with them. Instead, we’ve reduced them to a puzzle we need to solve, a broken thing we need to fix. That’s not love—that’s control dressed up in compassionate clothing.

The Theology of the Body helps here. As St. John Paul II wrote in his book Love and Responsibility, loving someone means more than doing nice things for them. It means working for their ultimate good, really helping them become the person God made them to be. Everything we say and do should bring out the best in others.

“As my friend reminded me, people aren’t projects, right?” Dr. Greg said. “They’re not fixer-uppers waiting for our renovation plan. And when we treat them that way, even accidentally, we do stop seeing them as persons. True love respects the other person’s freedom and dignity.”

2. Is your relationship deep enough?

One of the core principles the Popcaks emphasize is this: “The relationship has to be deep enough to contain the conversation you want to have.”

“If your relationship is relatively superficial and you’re just talking about current events or what he did this past week, you’re not going to have those deeper discussions about his goals, his life choices, faith, values, those kind of things,” Dr. Greg explained.

The solution isn’t to force deeper conversations. It’s to deepen the relationship first. This means:

  •       spending time together without an agenda
  •       showing up consistently
  •       demonstrating through your actions that you value them as a person

A caller named Valerie shared how she did this with her adult son. Rather than lecturing him about his choices, she focused on practical acts of love. Specifically, she brought him food, cooked for him, or took him out to eat. Those meals became opportunities for real connection.

3. Ask God what he wants from you in this situation

A common pitfall for people of faith, Lisa Popcak said, is rushing into a situation because God has appointed us to help.

While it’s true that God wants us to help those who are struggling, how we do that matters. When we want to help someone—whether it’s a toddler, a friend, or an adult child—it’s important to pause to pray and ponder.

Not every person God brings into your life is someone you’re meant to fix, the Popcaks noted. Sometimes God wants you to simply love them; other times, you’re meant to pray, or to be a good listener. And sometimes you’re meant to let them face the natural consequences of their choices without rescuing them.

Lisa compared our tendency to jump into “helper mode” with St. Francis of Assisi’s initial response when God told him to rebuild his church. Francis started literally rebuilding stone churches, picking up rocks and mortar.

“And God’s like, ‘That’s not what I meant,’” she said. “I need you to rebuild the church with the way I’m teaching you to live and how you’re supposed to reach out to people.”

Before you decide how to help, pause and pray. Ask God what he’s inviting you to do in this situation. What does this person actually need from you? The answer might be very different from what you assume they need.

4. Focus on producing good fruit, not on feeling helpful

Here’s a hard truth: if your efforts aren’t producing good fruit in the other person’s life, you’re not actually helping—no matter how much energy you’re pouring into the situation. Real helpfulness is measured by results, not by effort or intention.

“Sometimes we think being helpful means doing something, right? Fixing problems, giving advice, stepping in,” Dr. Popcak said. “And we tend to tell ourselves that we’re being helpful even when our efforts aren’t producing good fruit.”

In other words, we measure our helpfulness by our intentions rather than by the actual results, focusing on what makes us feel like good helpers instead of what actually serves the other person’s growth.

This requires brutal honesty with ourselves. Are you spending hours worrying about someone but never actually talking to them? Are you giving the same advice over and over while they ignore it? Are you enabling destructive behavior by constantly rescuing them from consequences?

Connect, Show Up, and Trust God

If you’re exhausted from trying to help someone who won’t be helped, or if you’re wondering whether you are actually helping, take a breath: step back and ask God what he’s actually calling you to do in this relationship. Build connection before offering correction, show up consistently without an agenda, and trust that God loves this person even more than you do.

For more advice about helping adult children, consider reading Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons & Daughters by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for more one-on-one guidance on supporting the people you love while maintaining your own peace, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.