Healthy Marriage Habit #5: Caretaking in Conflict

Posted on October 30, 2014 by GREG

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.” Last week, I summarized all 8 habits and we’ve looked at the first four habits in greater detail already. Today, I’ll describe the fifth habit, Caretaking in Conflict. After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Habit #5: Caretaking in Conflict.Why is this Important?

The most important thing in problem-solving is not, actually, solving the problem. Rather, it’s how well you take care of each other as you work together to find solutions to the problem. Think about it. If you manage to find a solution to a particular challenge in your life or relationship, but walk away from your conversation with your spouse feeling demoralized, resentful, exhausted and out-of-synch, what good is it? Solving problems is important, but how you solve those problems is even more important.

I shared earlier that couples in healthy marriages work to maintain a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in their day-to-day relationship. Subsequent research shows that these same couples exhibit 5 times as many positive exchanges as negative ones when they are dealing with problems together and even disagreeing with each other (Gottman, 1995). You might ask, “What PLANET are these people on?”

The good news is that these happy couples have their feet planted firmly on planet earth and they are not that different from you. Happy couples argue. As I mentioned earlier, they argue just about as much as you do. But they remember that to get through their arguments, they have to try hard to take care of each other in the argument and encourage each other toward solutions. They do this in little ways. With little glances, touches, and words that say, “Even though this is hard, I still love you”, praying together so that they check their own wills against God’s will, treading carefully around each other’s sore spots even when they are upset, trying hard to not pour fuel on the fire to make things worse than they need to be, and taking breaks to cool down–early and often.

This is not as crazy an idea as it seems. In any high-stress environment, taking care of your partner is job #1. A fireman might run into a burning building to save a baby, but his first job is making sure that his partner can make it back out alive. A police officer might be charged with apprehending a dangerous and armed criminal, but her first job is watching her partner’s back so they both make it through in one piece. A soldier might need to claim that hill from the enemy, but his first job is making sure that his comrades stick together. The second any one of these professional, high-conflict, problem-solvers lose sight of this, their risk of failure and death escalates exponentially. As American founding father, Patrick Henry, memorably put it, “United, we stand. Divided, we fall.” He might as well have been talking about marriage. High stress situations call for a high level of commitment to partnership above all. Healthy husbands and wives know this and they work hard to take care of each other no matter what the problem. Unlike the fireman, the police officer, and the soldier, your house isn’t literally burning down and no one is shooting at you. Your life isn’t on the line (and if it is, put down this book and call 911). If they can learn to take care of each other when the heat is on, you can too. In challenging you to learn to take care of your partner in conflict, I am not asking you to learn a marriage skill so much as I am challenging you to develop if healthy life skill.

Dr. Daniel Seigel (2013) notes that people who are good at problem-solving tend to be kinder than people who are not good at problem-solving. He notes that kindness–which happens to be one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22)–is more than simply being nice to one another, it is actually a sign that our brain is working properly and able to focus on solutions. The somewhat jarring conclusion we must draw from this is that anger is not the sign that our Solution-Friendly Brain has turned off. Rather, unkindness is! Think of how that changes your perspective on the way you and your spouse communicate. My clients often struggle with the idea of being kind to their spouse when in conflict. They often feel that their spouse doesn’t deserve it. However, when we view kindness, not as a gift we give to the other person but as a sign of our own integration, it becomes easier to see why kindness is essential in arguing and how kindness makes finding mutually-satisfying solutions possible.

This is probably the skill that most couples in difficult marriages lack. Many people were not raised in homes that modeled this kind of problem-solving. No matter. You can learn it. In fact, you must if you wish to be happy in any area of your life, not just marriage. For the Christian this is even more true, because our ability to be kind to others is, in large part, the measure by which we will be judged (Matt 25:31-46).

Take the QUIZ!

Answer the following questions.

T F 1. My spouse and I actively try to appreciate and know about each other’s hobbies and interests, even if we, personally, don’t enjoy those things.

T F 2. My spouse and I genuinely respect and value each other’s skills and areas of expertise.

T F 3. If my spouse knows more about something than I do, I am interested and willing to learn from him/her.

T F 4. If my spouse is more skilled at something than I am, I am willing to defer to his/her expertise.

T F 5. If my spouse tells me that I offended him/her, I am good at quickly apologizing and correcting the offense even if I didn’t mean to offend him/her.

T F 6. I am interested in listening to and learning from my spouse’s opinion especially when it is different from my own.

T F 7. When my spouse is upset, I don’t try to tell him/her that (s)he shouldn’t feel that way.

T F 8. My spouse and I are usually good at taking to heart each other’s corrections & suggestions.

T F 9. I can learn a lot from my spouse about being a loving person.

T F 10. When we have disagreements, I am interested in listening to and learning from my spouse’s perspective on what needs to change.

Give yourself 1 point for each “T”

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that the degree of mutual respect is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4-7 means that your marriage would significantly improve by giving greater attention to increasing your ability to exhibit mutual respect in your marriage.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do? Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate more Caretaking in Conflict in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals. Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

Healthy Marriage Habit #4: Positive Intention Frame

Posted on October 29, 2014 by GREG

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.” Last week, I summarized all 8 habits and we’ve looked at the first three habits in greater detail already. Today, I’ll describe the four habit, Creating a Positive Intention Frame. After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

HealthyMarriage Habit #4–Positive Intention Frame: Why is this important?

A positive intention frame is what psychologists and marriage therapists call the ability to assume the best about your spouse even when they are at their worst. This is not the same thing as making excuses for your spouse’s bad behavior. Rather, having a positive intention frame gives us the ability to not react angrily to every slight and enables us to address bigger offenses in a sensitive and understanding manner. Having a positive intention frame is the psychological basis for the corporal work of mercy that is “bearing wrongs patiently.” Again, there is nothing wrong with addressing offenses directly and promptly, but doing so charitably as well allows the offender to save face. This increases the likelihood that the offender will work with you to find solutions to the problem instead of reacting defensively to what otherwise might feel like an attack or a criticism from you.

Having a positive intention frame allows you to feel comfortable making mistakes in front of each other because you know that each of you is trying your best and that you will both tolerate each other’s lapses and offenses and refuse to see missteps as intentional slights. Research by Hawkins, Carrere, and Gottman (2002) shows that couples who tend to assume the best about each other avoid conflict more and handle conflict more gracefully when it arrives on the scene.

Take the Quiz!

T F 1. My spouse and I are good at giving each other the benefit of the doubt when we hurt each other.

T F 2. My spouse and I tend to assume that offenses are due to momentary lapses in judgment rather than an intentional desire to be hurtful or offensive.

T F 3. When my spouse does something I find offensive or irritating, I tend to assume that I misunderstood his or her true intentions.

T F 4. My spouse and I rarely, if ever, react to each other as if we were intending to be offensive or hurtful.

T F 5. I feel like it’s safe to make mistakes around my spouse.

T F 6. I feel like my spouse and I go out of our way to assume the best about each other.

T F 7. I am confident that my spouse is looking out for my best interests.

T F 8. Sometimes my spouse offends me, but I doubt he or she would ever do so on purpose.

T F 9. My spouse and I tend to be generous about extending forgiveness when we disappoint each other.

T F 10. When something goes wrong at home, my spouse and I are NOT quick to blame each other.

Give yourself 1 point for each “T”

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that maintaining s Positive Intention Frame is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4-7 means that your marriage would significantly improve by giving greater attention to increasing your ability to exhibit a Positive Intention Frame in your marriage.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do? Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate greater Self-Regulation in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals. Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

Healthy Marriage Habit #3: Emotional Regulation

Posted on October 28, 2014 by GREG

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.” Last week, I summarized all 8 habits and we’ve looked at the first two habits in greater detail already. Today, I’ll describe the third habit, Emotional Regulation. After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

HealthyMarriage Habit #3 Good Self-Regulation: Why is this important?

Self-Regulation refers to a person’s capacity to stay calm, recognize that they are losing their cool before it’s too late, and regain their composure even under pressure. Your ability to negotiate conflict and tension in a marriage is directly dependent up on your ability to stay in the Solution-Friendly Brain State and avoid the Misery Making Mindset. As you saw earlier, when stress causes our emotional temperature to rise, we’re unable to problem-solve and we tend to react rather than respond. Psychologists refer to this process as “flooding” and it causes a person to be rigid and reactive under pressure (Seigel, 2013; Manes, 2013). But, if you can learn keep your Solution-Friendly Brain turned on, even in conflict, you can stay in control of the discussion even if your partner loses control of him or herself.

When I was still engaged to my wife, an elderly couple gave us a bit of advice that was as true then as it remains today, “Don’t ever go crazy at the same time!” If you have the ability to self-regulate, then you can keep discussions on track even if your spouse loses his or her cool. Developing this skill takes work, but its well worth it because it is what enables you to not have to feel afraid or overwhelmed no matter what problem you are facing or how emotional your spouse becomes.

Of course, beyond the psychological benefits we receive from practicing those habits that lead to self-regulation, Galatians 5:22-24 identifies self-control as one of the Fruits that gives evidence that the Holy Spirit is dwelling in your heart. Proverbs 25:28 reminds us that the person who lack the ability to regulate his or her emotions is like the city that is left defenseless and powerless in the presence of an invader.

Take the Quiz

T F 1. We are respectful in our disagreements.

T F 2. Our arguments result in solutions and concrete plans for improving things.

T F 3. Even when we’re disagreeing with each other, we are careful to avoid saying certain, particularly hurtful things.

T F 4. If we offend each other in an argument we are quick to apologize and forgive.

T F 5. If we offend each other in an argument we bounce back and get the conversation back on track quickly.

T F 6. We look for ways to encourage and support each other when we’re having tense discussions.

T F 7. Generally speaking, I wouldn’t agree with my spouse just to get him/her to shut up.

T F 8. Generally, when I get angry, I do not lash out or say things that I think may hurt my partner even when I feel they might deserve it.

T F 9. Generally, when I get angry, I do not shut down, refuse to speak, or walk away from the argument.

T F 10. When conversations heat up, I am able to facilitate respectful breaks that give us time to cool down and start the conversation in a better place at a later time.

Give yourself 1 point for each “T”

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that maintaining Good Self Regulation is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4-7 means that your marriage would significantly improve by giving greater attention to increasing your ability to exhibit Good Self-Regulation in the presence of disagreements and offenses.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

Healthy Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport & Benevolence. Take the Quiz!

Posted on October 15, 2014 by GREG

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.” Monday, I summarized all 8 habits and yesterday we looked at Rituals of Connection. Today, I’ll describe the second habit, Cultivating Emotional Rapport & Benevolence. After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport and Benevolence:

Why Is This important?

Galatians 6:2 says “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Happy couples do exactly this in good times and bad times. They look for ways to take care of each other and make each other’s lives a little easier or more pleasant, especially in times of stress and disagreement between them.

In the healthiest relationships, couples exhibit a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in the course of their everyday interactions and conversations (Gottman, 2011). That can seem overwhelming on the face of it|—|as if the only thing happy couples do is dance around in a state of blissful merrymaking, showering each other with presents and loving words. Relax. That’s not the case at all. “Positive interactions” include simple acts like smiling at your partner when you walk into the room, acknowledging each other’s presence and looking into each other’s eyes when you talk, and brief touches as you walk past each other, as well as giving meaningful compliments, thoughtful tokens of affection, and being intentionally affectionate with one another.
Sometimes, it can be hard to convince couples of the incredible power these simple actions have on the overall well-being of a marriage. On more than one occasion, I have had couples challenge me by saying, “I feel like we’re paying you a lot of money just for you to tell us to be nice to each other!” It may feel that way, but there is a great deal more going on than meets the eye. Studies such as the Gottman article I referenced earlier show that, when it comes to marital health, the devil (and for that matter, the angel) is in the details. Saving your marriage, for the most part, is not about big, dramatic gestures. It is about becoming more aware and sensitive and intentionally making more positive the ten thousand times you interact with your spouse each day and currently don’t give a second thought to.

Simple actions such as the ones I just listed do two things. First, they help your mate feel cared for and valued in the moment, which draws you closer to each other and makes you actually want to be together instead of feeling like you want to flee the room every time your spouse makes an appearance. Second, these simple practices make you more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt when you accidentally step on each other’s toes. It’s hard to take offense and react defensively to each other when you see that you are looking out for each other, happy to see each other, and trying to take care of each other thirty-eight times out of forty. If you’re working to make all those little interactions just a little more positive, it’s easier to let those other two out of forty times slide when you step on each other’s toes. We’ll discuss ways to develop this habit in chapter 5, but you can begin today just by doing the kinds of things I just identified. (And it’s okay to fake it if you don’t feel it just yet. As long as your intention is to feel it someday, that’s good enough.) Don’t expect your spouse to respond right away. It might even take a few weeks before your mate notices that there’s something different in the way you’re approaching him or her. I promise, though, if you stick with it, it will begin to make a difference.

Healthy-Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport and Benevolence Quiz.

How important is developing this skill to YOUR marriage?

Answer true (T) or false (F) for each question.

T F 1. My spouse and I look for little ways to make each other’s life easier or more pleasant each day.

T F 2. My spouse and I know and understand each other well.

T F 3. My spouse and I know and understand each other’s needs.

T F 4. My spouse and I are thoughtful and sensitive to each other’s likes and dislikes.

T F 5. My spouse and I share frequent, meaningful, nonsexual, physical affection.

T F 6. My spouse and I look for little ways to support and encourage each other each day.

T F 7. My spouse and I know how to encourage each other when we feel down.

T F 8. My spouse and I find comfort in each other’s arms when we’re stressed.

T F 9. My spouse and I turn to each other for comfort when we are upset or frustrated.

T F 10. My spouse and I try to be gentle and caring toward each other even when we are frustrated or stressed.

Give yourself 1 point for each T.

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that maintaining Emotional Rapport and Benevolence is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4 through 7 means that you could significantly improve your marriage by giving greater attention to increasing your experience of Emotional Rapport and Benevolence.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do? Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate Emotional Rapport and Benevolence in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals. Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

Healthy Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection. Take the Quiz!

Posted on October 14, 2014 by GREG

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.” Yesterday, I listed all 8 habits. Today, I’ll describe the first habit, Rituals of Connection. After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy-Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection|—| Why Is This important?

One study examining fifty years of research on the effect of rituals such as eating together, praying together, and working and worshiping together found that these simple activities had an almost magical degree of power over marriage and family health (Fiese, Tomcho, Douglas, et al., 2002). Couples who regularly worked, played, discussed more than just the tasks of life, and prayed together were significantly happier and more stable than other couples and exhibited far fewer problems that negatively impact marital well-being, such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse (Fiese, 2006). Research by the Baylor University Institute for the Study of Religion found that couples who prayed together were about 30 percent happier across every aspect of their relationship (e.g., sex, parenting, financial management, division of labor, and so forth) than couples who did not; and couples who prayed “a lot” were happier than couples who prayed “sometimes” (Rushnell and DuArt, 2011). Similarly, couples who enjoy “shared meaning” (i.e, similar beliefs and purpose in life) are also much happier in their marriages than couple who feel that they are unequally yoked regarding their beliefs and attitudes (Gottman, 2011).

It is easy to understand why this is so. Couples who make time to work, play, talk, and pray together at least a little bit each day and to a greater degree each week know that they need to prioritize their marriage; that marriage is an activity, not an accessory. It can be hard to have a stable, satisfying marriage if a couple tries to squeeze in time to work, play, talk, and pray together when all the work and chores are done.

Of course, as Catholics, we believe that the family is the domestic church. We know that the Catholic Faith is filled with rituals—Sunday and daily Mass, holy days, confession and other sacraments, adoration, Stations, para-liturgies, and prayers—that bind the family of God together, call us back to each other, and bring order to our lives. Taking seriously our role as domestic church means, at least in part, celebrating the power of marriage and family rituals and routines to bind us together similarly, call us back to each other, and bring order to our lives.

Take The Rituals of Connection Quiz!

Healthy-Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection for Work, Play, Talk, and Prayer

How important is developing this skill to your marriage?

Answer true (T) or false (F) for each question.

T F 1. My spouse and I get at least a little time to work together almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F 2. My spouse and I get at least a little time to have some fun time together almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F 3. My spouse and I get at least a little time to talk with each other about feelings about life and our relationship (i.e., not just stuff that needs to be done) almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F 4. My spouse and I get at least a little time to pray together about our life and relationship (beyond Grace at meals) almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F 5. Once a week, my spouse and I usually spend at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 1) working together on some larger household project (e.g., cleaning or fixing things at home).

T F 6. Once a week, my spouse and I get at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 2) to do something fun (in or out of the house) just as a couple.

T F 7. Once a week, my spouse and I get at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 3) to talk together in greater depth about our life and relationship.

T F 8. At least once a week, my spouse and I attend church together.

T F 9. My spouse and I enjoy each other’s company.

T F 10. Even when we are not getting along, our relationship feels comfortable and familiar.

Give yourself 1 point for each T.

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that your rituals and routines are a real source of strength in your relationship.

A score of 4 through 7 means that you could significantly improve your marriage by giving greater attention to increasing the presence of rituals and routines in your relationship.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do? Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen the rituals of connection in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals. Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

8 Habits of Healthy Couples

Posted on October 10, 2014 by GREG

My newest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love looks at the eight habits that healthy couples cultivate in their relationship and describes, step-by-step how couples who are struggling can develop those habits in their relationship.

There’s a lot of confusion about what separates happy couples from unhappy couples. The book explodes some of those myths. For instance, you might be surprised to know that happy couples argue about as often as unhappy couples and are about as good at solving problems! The real difference is how happy couples work hard to take care of each other when they’re arguing and also the ways they attend to both their relationship and their own emotional health with they are not in conflict. Research shows that these eight habits that distinguish happy couples can be learned by any couple regardless of their background. We know now that if a couple is willing to do the work to learn and practice these eight habits, virtually ANY marriage can be saved.

Do you and your spouse practice the Healthy Marriage Habits that can help you get the most out of your marriage? Take a look.

1. Rituals of Connection-– Happy couples have regular rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together. They carve out at some time each day to make sure they do something related to these four categories. Rituals of connection form the skeleton of the relationship. These rituals guarantee that the couple will prioritize their relationship and have the time they need to share experiences, relate on a deeper level to each other, and build a shared life together.

2. Emotional Rapport & Benevolence– Happy couples make a point of being intentional about looking for ways to make each other’s days a little easier or more pleasant. They turn toward each other in times of stress (instead of isolating) and actively look for ways to lighten each other’s burden even when they don’t feel like it.

3. Self-Regulation–Happy couples are good at monitoring their emotional temperatures. They know when they need to take a break from a stressful conversation and they know what to do to get themselves back to a calm and empathetic mindset so that the next round of discussions will go better. They don’t blame their partner for their own emotional reactions. Instead, they learn from the times they lose it and figure out how to do better the next time.

4. A Positive Intention Frame--Happy couples realize that most offenses in marriage are due to miscommunication or misunderstanding. They realize that their partner gets nothing out of being intentionally offensive. They try to understand the true intention or need behind the offense and find more respectful way to meet that need or intention.

5. Caretaking in Conflict–Happy couples know that the most important thing in problem-solving isn’t actually solving the problem. The MOST important thing in problem-solving is taking care of each other so that they can solve the problem together. Happy couples work to make sure each knows the other’s concerns are important. They also look for ways to reassure each other that they can get through any difficulties as long as they stick together.

6. Mutual Respect, Accountability, and Boundaries–Happy couples respect each other, which means that they are willing to listen and learn from each other even when it is hard. They don’t have to understand why something is important to their partner. It is enough that it is important. They accept each other’s boundaries and work to accommodate each other’s needs and preferences even when those needs or preferences don’t necessarily make sense.

7. Reviewing and Learning from Mistakes–Happy couples know how to learn from their disagreements. They are able to go back over arguments and offenses in a way that helps them learn to do better next time. They don’t blame and attack each other or endlessly debate what “really” happened last time. They focus on what they need to do to handle similar situations better in the future.

8. Seeking Healthy Support–Happy couples know when they need to learn new skills and they know where to turn for appropriate support. They don’t complain about their marriage to friends who will simply confirm their biases. They look for opportunities to develop new skills even when things are going well, and if they need help, they seek it either from mature couples who know and love them both, or marriage-friendly professionals who are qualified to teach the skills they need to address their particular struggles.

How’d you do? Every couple has areas they are best at and areas they could improve in. If you would like to learn how to heal or strengthen your relationship by cultivating these skills, check out When Divorce is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. You’ll discover a step-by-step plan for making your marriage everything you know it can be!

Or, if you feel you need additional support, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about how our Catholic tele-counseling practice can help you transform your marriage, family or personal life!

Your Marriage IS Worth Saving–And YOU Can Save It.

Posted on September 12, 2014 by GREG

When Divorce is Not an Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Everlasting Love is a book for couples who want to know what it takes to get their marriage back on track. Solo spouses can
also use the book to heal a marriage even if his or her mate isn’t interested in working on the relationship.

I look at the latest research that reveals 8 Habits that healthy couples exhibit that all couples need to cultivate and show readers, step-by-step how to develop those healthy marriage habits in the their relationship. An extensive quiz helps readers figure out where to start working and lots of case examples help readers see how workable the plan is.

Here are some of the topics I address…

-Eight marriage-friendly habits that couples in healthy relationships exhibit
-How to identify those areas of your marriage that require the most attention
-What to do when you feel your spouse is out to get you
-Simple ways to integrate prayer into the life of your marriage
-How to make God part of healing your marriage
-How your mind handles feelings and emotions and what you can do about it
-Tips for keeping your conversations focused on solutions instead of emotions
-How to see each your spouse’s faults as opportunities for you to grow in holiness.

I hope you’ll find it helpful. Please spread the word. The need is great.

Pre-Order Your Copy TODAY!

Are You Thriving? 5 Ways YOU Can Live A Fuller Life.

Posted on September 2, 2014 by GREG

Self-help books (including a couple of my own–see here and here) often talk about thriving versus merely surviving but have you ever wondered what it takes to really thrive?

Jesus said, “I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly” and I would argue that he was referring to both eternal life and life in the present. Secular psychologists use the term “thriving” for what Christians might call an “abundant life”–at least this side of Heaven. In fact, researchers have identified 5 traits that correspond with living life to the full.

1. Hedonic Well-Being–has to do with how much satisfaction and enjoyment you get from your life. If you know how to enjoy yourself in healthy ways, have a good sense of humor, have compelling hobbies and interests, and take pleasure in the simple joys of daily life, you can be said to have a healthy degree of “hedonic well-being.”

2. Eudaimonic Well-Being–involves feeling like you are living a meaningful and purposeful life. If you feel that you are making a positive difference with your life, can identify the small ways you are making the world a better place by your presence or efforts, and have a sense that at least certain people are better off because you are in their life, you may be exhibiting a strong sense of “Eudaimonic Well-Being.”

3. Psychological Well-Being—has to do with having a healthy, positive view of oneself combined with the absence of any mental health symptoms or disorders. If you like who you are as a person, feel good about your ability to set and meet positive goals in your life, and don’t exhibit psychological/emotional problems that negatively impact your ability to function well in your work, roles, and relationships, you probably exhibit a high degree of “Psychological Well-Being.”

4. Social Well-Being–involves having meaningful connections to people you care about and who care about you. If you feel that you can have faith in other people, that others are basically trustworthy, if you are affirmed by a group that shares your values and beliefs, and feel generally cared for by the people who share your life, you probably have a high degree of Social Well-Being.

5. Physical Well-Being– As you might guess, Physical Well-Being refers to your physical strength and health. If you are physically fit, at a good weight for your height, are able to maintain appropriate activity levels, and are physically capable to doing all the activities that are important to you, you probably exhibit a high degree of Physical Well-Being.

Very few people have achieved well-being across all five areas associated with thriving, but the degree to which you can say you exhibit at least some of each of these 5 categories of well-being is the degree to which you can say that you are thriving in your life, rather than just surviving it.

Beyond being a measure of the degree to which a person is thriving, these categories can be very useful in helping you determine which areas to focus on in order to achieve greater fulfillment in your life. Which areas are you strongest in? Which areas would you like to make improvements?

If you would like to learn more about how you can thrive in every area of your life and relationships, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute Tele-Counseling Practice (740-266-6461) to speak with a counselor about how you can start living a more abundant life today!

Innocence Restored–Hope for Those Who Have Suffered Indignity and Abuse

Posted on August 11, 2014 by GREG

One of the most heartbreaking aspect of my work with victims of abuse–whether verbal, physical, sexual or some combination of all of these–is to hear them talk about how they feel “dirty”, “tainted,” “guilty” and a host of other adjectives that undermine their dignity and worth as persons. Intellectually, most of them know that they bear no blame for the things that were done to them, but the emotional and spiritual wounds run deep. When we’re treated like trash, we often internalize that treatment. In many cases, we carry the feelings of shame and the loss of our innocence long after the abuse is over.

The Truth Will Set You Free

As difficult as this can be to face, one truth that seems to really resonate for my clients is the idea that they cannot lose what didn’t belong to them from the beginning. What do I mean? The truth is that as Christians, we know that none of us can claim to be good or innocent on our own power. We are simple lumps of carbon; obstinate bags of water that, left to our own devices can claim no goodness, innocence or dignity.

But, as Christians, we also know that we can claim goodness, innocence, dignity and more as our inheritance because we are loved by the God who is the source and summit of all of those qualities. Because God loves us, he shares his goodness, his innocence, his dignity, his grace with us and through his merciful love, makes us good, innocent, dignified and grace-filled. When he shares these qualities with us, they do not become ours. Rather, they make us more his. That’s a tremendously important distinction, especially for the victim of abuse. Why?

Because the abuser pretends to have the power to take away his victim’s innocence, goodness and dignity. That’s part of the spell the abuser casts on his victim, making the person he preys upon believe that he has more power than he actually does. But while an abuser can hurt our bodies and wound our minds, he or she cannot take our innocence, dignity or goodness because these qualities are not ours to lose in the first place. They are God’s to give. And God would never give away those qualities that are part and parcel of his love for us. Nothing separates us from the love of God or the benefits that accompany his love. No one can take either his love or the benefits of his love from us either.

Loved Into Innocence

In other words, we are not innocent because nothing bad has ever happened to us. (BTW, That’s Pelagianism, not Christianity!) We are innocent because we are loved by God regardless of what we have done or have had done to us. Likewise, we are not good because we have not done anything bad or been subject to badness. We are good because we are loved despite the badness in our hearts or in the world in which we live. We do not have dignity because we have never suffered indignity. Rather, we enjoy dignity because God loves us no matter what indignities we have suffered.

I do not mean to suggest that the abuse victim’s pain should magically disappear because they might read these words. But I have found that reflecting on these truths in a spirit of prayer does open survivors’ hearts to new possibilities. Specifically, the possibility that they are good, and innocent and have dignity and that they have always been these things and always will be these things as long as God loves them, which is always and forever.

Your Innocence is Assured

If you are the survivor of abuse, first know that you have my deepest sympathy for your pain and your struggle. Second, be assured that I am lifting you up in my general intentions each evening. But thirdly, and most importantly, know that you are good, and innocent, and have dignity not because of or in spite of anything that has or has not happened to you or because of anything you have or have not done. You are good, and innocent, and have dignity because you are loved by God. Period. And no one could ever take that away from you no matter what they may pretend to the contrary.

“This Book Changed My Life”

Posted on July 1, 2014 by GREG

Every once in a while the Holy Spirit allows me a glance at how he’s using my work to touch the hearts of his people. It’s always humbling and I’m always truly grateful for the experience. Earlier today, I came across a post by Molly Milroy of Ignitum Today titled, “Five Books That Changed My Life” I was genuinely blessed to find my book, The Life God Wants You To Have: Discovering the Divine Plan When Human Plans Fail listed among the titles that significantly impacted her life for the better.

When I was going through yet another episode of ‘What am I supposed to do with my life?’ a dear friend recommended Dr. Popcak. I looked him up, researched his material and stumbled upon this book. There are probably thousands of books out there designed to discover your purpose in life. I’ve probably read a dozen or more of them. But this is the number one that I recommend. And it’s not a guide as to jotting down your passions and finding work that collides with said passions. It’s more of a journey into your own heart, your past, your childhood loves to unveil what is probably right before your eyes. Read More

I’m especially touched by her recommendation since this is the second time in about a month that someone shared what a blessing this book was to them. Depressed & Catholic had this to say about The Life God Wants You to Have

Does God care at all? What am I doing? …You get the picture. I’m sure you’ve had the same kind of questions about the same or different things.

The Life God Wants You to Have addresses all of these questions and more with scripture, practical psychology, case examples representative of a wide variety of life situations, and ample humor. It is also very easy to read, no hifalutin theology or display of psychological prowess. There isn’t even a polka dot of professional patronizing. This guy is real.

I’m truly grateful for these brave bloggers for their willingness to share their struggles and I’m deeply touched that God has used my work in at least some small way to help them discover his path forward. I’m thankful for their witness. I’ll be keeping them–and other good folks like them–in my prayers as they continue on their journey. I hope you will too.