How to Defuse Conflict by Asking the Right Questions

Conflict is inevitable, but hurtful conflict is not. As Dr. Greg Popcak explains in God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, there are ways to handle conflict effectively—and compassionately.

If you read our last post on this topic, then you probably already know the first step in compassionate conflict resolution. Instead of writing someone off as toxic or irrational, ask, “What are they really trying to do?” That small act of curiosity can be a powerful way to break the cycle of conflict and begin to understand difficult people in your life.

But what if the answer isn’t obvious? What if someone’s behavior is hurtful, irrational, or even aggressive—and you genuinely can’t figure out what they’re hoping to accomplish?

In God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, Dr. Popcak offers two ways of uncovering the hidden, often positive intention behind someone’s obnoxious behavior—tools that can transform frustration into empathy, opening the door to healing.

The Direct Approach: Just Ask

The first approach is pretty simple: if you want to know why someone is acting a certain way, try asking them.

But in practice, most of us don’t ask—we accuse. Think about the last time someone rubbed you the wrong way. Your internal dialogue probably sounded something like:

  •  “Why are you always such a jerk?”
  •  “I can’t believe you said that to me!”
  •  “What is wrong with you?”

These reactions are natural—but not helpful. They shut down the possibility of connection and push the other person into a defensive crouch.

Instead, Dr. Popcak suggests a three-part clarifying question:

  1. Describe the behavior factually. Say what happened without judgment or exaggeration. For example:
    “When you slammed the door…”
  2. Share how it affected you. Let them know what you felt or how you interpreted the behavior:
    “…I felt like you were angry that I asked for your help.”
  3. Give the benefit of the doubt—and ask. This is the turning point:
    “…but I don’t think that’s what you meant to do. Can you tell me what was really going on?”

This kind of question is disarming because it’s respectful and assumes good intent—even when the behavior is hard to take. It’s a firm but gentle way of saying, “This didn’t sit right with me, but I’m willing to believe there’s more to the story.”

The Indirect Approach: Follow the Money

Of course, not everyone can clearly articulate what they’re trying to accomplish. Some people lack the self-awareness to explain their motives. Others—children, teens, emotionally immature adults—may not even recognize them. That’s where the indirect approach comes in.

Dr. Popcak calls it “following the money.” In other words, observe what benefit a person gains from their behavior. If that’s not obvious, look at what happens immediately afterward.

For example:

  • A child throws a tantrum. The goal might not be to get a toy—it could be a bid for attention, closeness, or even space.
  • A teen keeps getting grounded. Maybe that’s their way of avoiding risky social situations while saving face with peers—or a cry for more time with distracted parents.
  • A boss who yells might be trying—ineffectively—to inspire urgency and motivation.

Dr. Popcak shares how one of his clients, Anna, worked for a doctor known for his temper. His shouting stressed out the staff, but Popcak helped Anna recognize that the doctor’s real goal was to get people to respond quickly and correctly. Instead of reacting with fear, Anna calmly said, “Doctor, I’d be happy to help you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d ask me respectfully. ‘Please’ usually works.” To her surprise, he listened—and their relationship began to shift.

By recognizing the intention, Anna was able to respond not to the outburst but to the need behind it—and offer a healthier alternative.

When You See the Intention, You Can Make a Change

Once you’ve identified the underlying motive—whether through a clarifying question or by “following the money”—you’re in a better position to create change. In the book, Popcak introduces the P-E-A-C-E process, which are five steps for transforming toxic interactions into more respectful, healing relationships.

We’ll explore that process more fully in a future post, but the first step is always the same: stop treating the other person like an enemy, and start treating them like a fellow struggler—someone who, like you, is doing their best to get their needs met, even if they’re doing it badly.

Conflict Is a Doorway

It takes courage to stop reacting and start listening. But when we learn to ask better questions and seek deeper understanding, conflict can become a doorway—not to defeat, but to healing.

As Dr. Popcak writes, “The person is never the problem. The problem is the problem.” Learning to see the difference is what love looks like in the real world.

For more practical tools like the P-E-A-C-E process and real-life stories of transformation, pick up a copy of God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! by Dr. Greg Popcak. Or, if you’re looking for personalized support, connect with a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

From Struggle to Strength: Letting ‘Glimmers of God’ Light the Way

Ever had one of those mornings when nothing goes right? Your coffee spills, your kids are squabbling before breakfast, and your dog decides the rug looks better with a new chew-hole design. Then, you spend ten minutes looking for your keys and end up being late for your appointment. It’s the sort of start that could foul anyone’s outlook for the rest of the day.

But maybe it doesn’t even take that much to put you in a negative mood. Maybe you have a more “melancholic” personality, or you struggle with depression.

Whatever the cause, having a negative mindset never makes the day go better; in fact, it’s more likely to make things worse.

So, how do you break out of that negative mindset so you can navigate the day’s challenges with peace—and even a touch of joy?

Judi Phillips, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute, suggests what she calls “glimmers” as one antidote for life’s daily stresses.

Wait, What Exactly Is a Glimmer?

Let’s revisit the rough morning that we just described. If you look a little closer, you might just spot some “glimmers of goodness”: one of those squabbling kids spontaneously gives you the tightest hug; the dog (the mischievous rug designer), looks up at you with unconditional love. Outside, the sky is an amazing shade of blue, a welcome relief after a week of overcast skies.

These are glimmers—simple moments of goodness that, once you notice them, have the power to shift your mood from gloomy to grateful.

“The idea is that when we’re purposeful and intentional in looking for those glimmers, we begin to have a shift in our mindset,” Phillips says. “We begin to experience life in a more joyful way than if we’re just stuck in the negative, or if we’re stuck in the worries of things.”

Rewiring Your Brain’s Negativity Bias

One reason it can feel easier to focus on the negative is that our brains come hardwired to notice what’s wrong and to highlight bad experiences. That trait helped humans avoid predators and other threats for hundreds of thousands of years. But today, rather than keeping us alive, this negativity bias tends to make us stressed, anxious, and frankly, pretty cranky.

But neuroscience research shows that practicing gratitude literally reprograms our brains. “Anxiety can’t coexist with gratitude,” Phillips says. “When we’re intentionally grateful, our brain shifts its focus and literally starts seeing life through a new lens.”

At the biological level, looking for these “glimmers of goodness” gradually strengthens our brain’s “glimmer-spotting” neural pathways so that, eventually, this more positive outlook becomes a habit.

The beauty of glimmers is that they don’t have to be major wins. “For someone wrestling with clinical depression, just getting out of bed or brushing their teeth can be a genuine glimmer,” Phillips notes. It’s these tiny celebrations that spark a more positive outlook, step by incremental step.

Glimmers of God’s Presence

There is a spiritual dimension at work in this practice, too, Phillips says, in that these glimmers connect us to God.

“It can help us to recognize God’s presence with us, because we know that God is the one who ensures any good thing,” Phillips says. “And so anytime we’re experiencing goodness, that is evidence of God being there with us.”

Connecting with God in these little ways throughout the day can provide us with the grace we need to overcome nearly any challenge. Just consider the various heroes of the Nazi concentration camps: Venerable Angela Maria Autsch, known as the “Angel of Auschwitz,” uplifted fellow prisoners with her humor and kindness. Blessed Franciszek Dachtera maintained such a cheerful demeanor despite being subjected to tortuous medical experiments, other prisoners nicknamed him “Cherubnik.” Similarly, Venerable Emil J. Kapaun ministered to his fellow prisoners of war in North Korea with a sense of humor.

These people were able to rise above really awful circumstances not on their own, but because of their deep relationship with God—and their ability to recognize God present and working even amid great evil. Of course this does not mean that we “should just be happy” in the midst of difficulty, but recognizing God in our situation helps us to navigate the difficulty and take healthy action in a more peaceful and effective way. 

Getting Started Spotting Glimmers

So, these glimmers sound great—but how do you get started, especially if your default mindset tends to be negative?

Phillips recommends making it a daily habit to write down a list of glimmers from the day. Choose a time that is connected with some other habit: eating a meal, brushing your teeth, getting ready for bed.

“Keep a notebook by your bed, or near your toothbrush,” she suggests. “Make it as easy as possible.”

Do this at least once a day—or more often, if you can.

At first, you might struggle to come up with even a handful of glimmers in a day. Or you might find yourself repeatedly thankful for coffee, chocolate, or Netflix (no judgment). But Phillips challenges clients to be specific and varied. If you thanked God for coffee yesterday, try something new today—maybe the quirky barista who made your morning brighter.

You can put a fun twist on this assignment by writing each day’s glimmers on colorful Post-it Notes that you then post on a door, refrigerator, or somewhere else you’ll see them regularly.

A Life-Changing Habit

Phillips has seen this practice bring about dramatic change in the lives of her clients.

“It’s incredible,” she says. “It’s like a night and day difference. Those who begin to practice it and are faithful to it, they just report being more happy in their lives, they report a greater awareness of God being with them and having a sense of his presence with them day in and day out. 

“Also, even if they hit a place where they’re having difficulty…they’re much better able to manage it without falling in a ditch, so to speak, where they go back down in that really dark place. So there’s a huge payoff to practicing it.”

And the best part? The more you practice, the easier it gets. “After a few months, people go from naming just one or two glimmers a day to noticing dozens,” she adds.

So here’s your mission: tonight, before bed—or tomorrow morning while brushing your teeth—take two minutes to jot down at least three glimmers from the past 24 hours. No repeats! It could just change your life.

And if you find yourself needing a little extra help along the way—especially if you’re dealing with persistent negativity, anxiety, or depression—reach out to Judi Phillips and or any of our pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Because, really, life is way too short to miss out on those tiny, wonderful glimmers of joy.

How to Help Your Kids Build a Joyful, Lifelong Prayer Life

If you want to raise kids who practice their faith as adults, teaching them how to pray has to be a priority. But how kids learn to pray makes a big difference, according to Lisa Popcak, co-founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and host of the Momfidence podcast.

Often, parents and other caregivers teach kids to memorize formal prayers (the “Our Father,” “Memorare,” and so on) and maybe encourage them to offer prayers of thanks and petition at bedtime. That’s a great beginning, Popcak says in a recent episode of the podcast. But if kids are going to develop a deeply rooted, vibrant prayer life that lasts and matures into adulthood, then we need to help them go deeper.

“It’s wonderful and powerful to have those formal prayers,” Popcak says. “However, we need to anchor those formal prayers that we’re trying to teach our children in relationship with the One to whom we are praying.”

After all, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches, prayer is “the living relationship of the children of God with their Father who is good beyond measure, with his Son Jesus Christ and with the Holy Spirit” (CCC 2565).

Without that foundation of relationship, Popcak cautions, you might unintentionally be teaching recitation rather than real prayer. “We want those prayers to be deeply felt in our children’s hearts,” she says. “We want those prayers to be something that they go back to throughout their lives, to go deeper with God, to get to know him better…particularly as they leave our home and we are no longer in charge of making sure they pray every single day.”

3 Baby Steps Toward a Richer Prayer Life for Your Kids

Helping your children build a personal relationship with God might feel like a huge undertaking, but it really doesn’t need to be, Popcak says. It starts, she suggests, with simply helping your children know, through your own habits, that God is always present and loves them dearly. Let them see that God wants to be part of all the moments, big and small. This isn’t about adding complicated rituals; it’s about noticing the opportunities for connection that are already there.

“We don’t have to hold it all in until bedtime prayer or until Mass,” Popcak points out. Instead, teach kids to connect with God in the moment, then “round up” those moments with a regular time for shared prayer later in the day.

Here are some simple “baby steps” toward that goal.

Voice Gratitude Together

When something good happens — maybe your child aced a test they were nervous about, or you simply enjoy a beautiful sunny afternoon — take a second to thank God out loud. It can be as simple as, “Lord, we had so much fun running through the sprinkler this afternoon; thank you for this blessing!” Or: “Lord, we are so grateful that John did well on his geometry test today. Thanks for helping him work through those tough problems!”

When you model gratitude, you invite your children to recognize and appreciate blessings, too.

Praying Through Tough Times

 Life has its bumps and scrapes, both literal and figurative. When your toddler falls and gets hurt, it feels like the end of the world to them. Lisa suggests using that moment as an opportunity to make a God connection: cuddle them close and whisper a quick prayer: “Lord Jesus, please just help my baby feel better. Heal this boo-boo quickly….”

This simple act connects your child’s hurt with God’s comfort and provides a template for other tough times they will inevitably encounter later on in life: anxieties about school, relationship problems, disappointments, loss, and so on.

Moments Made for Praise

If prayer is, at heart, a living, dynamic relationship between your child and God, then it makes sense that it would go beyond petitions for help or words of thanks.

“Sometimes we can just take a moment and thank God for being God,” Popcak suggests. “‘Thank you, Lord, that you are God, that you love us, that you did all this for us.’ Just out of nowhere, because the feeling overcame you.”

Round Up the Day with Family Prayer

These baby steps are super simple, but powerful, too, because they help kids link their daily life experience to God right in the moment. Bringing God into the messy mix of everyday life helps kids develop a more active, dynamic relationship with the One who loves them.

Popcak also suggests finding at least one regular time each day for your family to connect with God together, creating a predictable anchor point for shared prayer and reflection. Make it work for your schedule: Maybe it’s nighttime prayer before everyone settles down for bed, or maybe it’s a brief moment of connection in the morning before the day’s rush begins, or it could be incorporating sharing and prayer around the dinner table.

“Whatever works as a routine for your family, it’s good to bring the whole family together” for prayer, she advises. If you have been taking time throughout the day to acknowledge God’s presence, this family prayer time is a great way to consolidate those prayers.

You can even wrap up with a formal prayer that you are all learning together.

Bringing Prayer to Life

So, relationship is what transforms prayer from rote words into a vibrant conversation. When formal prayers are learned within the context of a lived, daily connection with God — nurtured through these simple baby steps and shared routines — they take on a richness and meaning that grows with your child. Without that personal connection, prayer risks becoming just “talking at God instead of with God.”

A deeper, more meaningful prayer life for your family doesn’t require a grand plan. Just start small: notice the everyday moments, talk to God naturally, and invite your children into the conversation.

“It’s a lot easier than you think it is,” Popcak says. “Just give it a try and let God build the way for you.”

For more parenting tips from Lisa Popcak, check out the Momfidence podcast on the CatholicHOM app or any of your favorite podcast hosts, or check out Discovering God Together: The Catholic Guide to Raising Faithful Kids at CatholicCounselors.com. You can also get personalized parenting support from Lisa Popcak directly on CatholicHOM.

Hope: It Might Not Mean What You Think It Does

by Dr. Greg Popcak – CatholicCounselors.com

“The Jubilee invites us to renew the gift of hope within us, to surrender our sufferings and our concerns to hope, to share it with those whom we meet along our journey and to entrust to hope the future of our lives and the destiny of the human family.”  -Pope Francis’ Easter Message, 2025

As I reflect on the final public words of Pope Francis, I’m struck by his encouragement to hope, and I wanted to take a moment to unpack what it means—especially when we’re dealing with a difficult situation in our marriage, family, or personal life.

Many Christians think that, “surrendering our sufferings and concerns to hope” means that the “Christian way” of dealing with problems is to try not to get upset about things while we hold on to some vague sense that it will probably all work out—somehow.

But that isn’t what hope asks at all. In his document, Saved in Hope (Spe Salvi) Pope Benedict asserted that hope is not a wishful feeling, but rather the conviction that God is working in us, with us, and through us to make something beautiful out of the ugliness we are currently experiencing.

To “surrender our sufferings and concerns to hope” means bringing our concerns to God every day and praying, “Show me how you want to work through me in this situation to display your power and majesty. Teach me how to cooperate with your plan to make something objectively beautiful and amazing out of the pain that I’m in and the struggle that I am facing.  I don’t really know how to even get through this on my own power, but I know that with you all things are possible.  Help me to see what you want to make of this, and show me what to do next.”

Do you see the difference?  God doesn’t want passive, wishful thinkers. God needs warriors who recognize that life is filled with painful experiences, but that He has given us the privilege and grace to make something amazing out of those experiences.

To surrender our sufferings and concerns to hope is not to sit on our hands and wistfully wait for God to do…something. It is to stare at the oncoming Egyptian horde and part the Red Sea. It is to march around the city of Jericho and tear down the walls. It is to embrace the cross and rise from the dead.

What are you suffering? What concerns do you have? What challenges are you facing that are wearing you down, burning you out, or making you want to just settle?

Bring those things to God today. Ask him to show you how he wants to work through you to demonstrate to everyone around you the power he has to make something beautiful, awe-inspiring, and fulfilling out of the hand the devil dealt you.

Then you will be living Pope Francis’ final words and seeing the promise those words point to.

How Confidence Empowers Us To Be Who God Wills Us To Be

Imagine you’re planning a garden, and you want to learn more about violets. Consulting an online landscaping guide, you find this entry: “Violets: they’re nowhere near as showy as the rose, and in fact, they’re often overlooked due to their small size. They’re not in bloom for most of the growing season, and when they are, their fragrance doesn’t come anywhere near to matching that of the lily….”

Besides being supremely unhelpful, you might just wonder whether the horticulturist writing that entry had prickly burrs for breakfast.

And yet, says pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac, that’s exactly the way too many Christians define themselves: “I’m not organized.” “I’m not as good at that as she is.” “I should’ve said something smarter.”

That litany of negative self-talk is a problem, she says, because it prevents us from achieving our goals, whether that’s finding healing, managing relationship problems, or making some positive change in our lives. Most Christians know to steer clear of pride, one of the seven “deadly sins”; but pride’s partner in crime, self-abasement, often slips past our defenses under the guise of humility.

“Many of us have this tendency to constantly describe ourselves based on what we’re not,” Isaac says. “We’re taught to believe that being humble means degrading ourselves, but it’s not that at all.”

Confidence: Knowing Your Worth

This negative self-assessment is so common that Rachael Isaac has developed a set of tools to help her clients boost their confidence. Unlike pride, confidence is rooted in humility, the virtue that enables us to see ourselves as we truly are.

“Confidence comes back to knowing my worth innately, knowing who God created me to be so that I can use my gifts and strengths to work for the good of myself and others and to glorify God,” she explains. “It’s not about thinking you’re better than anybody else,” she adds. “It’s about not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.”

Isaac’s words evoke the teaching of St. Thérèse of Lisieux in her Story of a Soul:

[Jesus] set before me the book of nature; I understood how all the flowers he has created are beautiful, how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the Lily do not take away the perfume of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy…. Perfection consists in doing his will, in being what he wills us to be.

While a healthy awareness of our faults can help us grow in holiness, self-abasement— allowing our shortcomings to dominate our thinking—actually harms our spiritual growth. The virtue of confidence, Isaac says, allows us to name and recognize our strengths so that we can use those God-given gifts to serve him and “be who he wills us to be.”

Try This Simple Confidence-Building Practice

If you’re struggling with negative self-talk or wondering whether confidence is something you can reclaim, Isaac offers this simple, powerful exercise. Try it for a week and see what happens.

Step 1: Write Down One Thing You Did Well Today

Every day, jot down one or more things, big or small, that you did well. For example, you could list comforting a child after a tough day, letting someone merge in traffic, having a thoughtful conversation, or finishing a chore well. Even if these are things you do every day, they are still things you’ve done well, and they are important. 

Step 2: At the End of the Week, Reflect

Look at your list and ask, “What strength did I use to do this well?” For example, you might recognize that it was empathy that allowed you to comfort that child, and patience and generosity that enabled you to let another driver merge into traffic. You might note that you drew on wisdom gleaned from your lived experience during that thoughtful conversation, and that your attention to finishing the chore well comes from your innate diligence and commitment to excellence.

Step 3: Bring It to Prayer

Make this part of your prayer time. Thank God for the strengths he’s given you, and ask for the grace to grow in others. For example: “Lord, thank You for making me a caring person. Please help me be more strategic in handling my responsibilities today.”

Over time, this exercise will help you identify your God-given strengths and know your worth. Because your list is grounded in evidence—not the empty flattery of others—the resulting confidence boost is real and durable, not fleeting.

Equipping Yourself for Confidence

The exercise above is just one approach to building self-confidence, Isaac says. Other approaches include:

  • Brain-Body Connection: Being aware of how thoughts and emotions shape our physical and spiritual presence.
  • The Power of Imagination: Learning visualization techniques to help you prepare for challenges and build resilience.
  • Effective Expectations: Avoiding the trap of perfectionism by setting appropriate expectations.
  • Setting Healthy Boundaries: Learning how to protect your peace and prioritize your dignity.
  • Owning Your Identity: Learning how to embrace who you are without apology.

“All of this is really focused on helping each of us become our whole, healed, godly, grace-filled self that we’re meant to be,” Isaac says. “And being able to know our worth and recognize the worth of others so that we can just become the people that God created us to be.”

If you’re interested in boosting your self-confidence, consider joining Rachael Isaac’s six-session virtual Confidence Coaching Cohort. These live sessions offer a supportive group atmosphere for learning the skills that will help boost your confidence. Or, for a more personalized approach, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

In the Baby vs. Parent Debate, Catholic Teaching Offers a Balanced Approach


It’s the baby gift new parents never asked for: unsolicited, often competing, advice about thebest way to raise their little one.

On one side, some people advocate a parent-centered approach. “You can’t take care of baby if you don’t take care of yourself,” these people argue. “Besides, your baby needs to learn she’s not the center of the world!”

On the other side are advocates of a baby-centered approach. “The first three years of your child’s life are the foundation of their future development,” these folks might say. “Now’s the time for parents to go all in.”

Caught in the middle, many new parents rightly feel conflicted, seeing good points on both sides.

But the Catholic tradition offers a good way to balance the needs of babies and their parents, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. This approach, outlined in their book Then Comes Baby: The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Three Years of Parenthood, is centered on the principle of the common good. Rather than seeing parenting as a zero-sum competition, this approach to family life seeks the flourishing of everyone—baby, mom, and dad alike.

Before we get to the common good approach, let’s quickly look at the merits of baby-centered parenting and parent-centered parenting.

The Benefits of Baby-Centered Parenting

In Chapter 2 of their book, the Popcaks summarize the strong scientific support behind many baby-centered practices.

Since the 1990s, research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment theory has consistently affirmed the benefits of responsive, attentive caregiving during infancy. Babies who experience this kind of nurturing develop stronger emotional regulation, more resilient stress responses, and deeper trust in relationships. The practice of responding to an infant’s needs promptly and consistently helps form secure attachments, which in turn support empathy, social development, and mental health throughout life.

These are powerful and well-documented benefits—and they help explain why so many parenting experts emphasize attentiveness to a baby’s cues.

Children raised with less baby-centered approaches may also develop these positive qualities, the Popcaks acknowledge. “But research strongly suggests that children reared by more baby-centered approaches are more likely to have a better-developed capacity for these skills.”

Parents Need to Take Care of Themselves Too

The baby-centered approach has a lot to recommend it. But there’s a caveat. “If parents allow themselves to become burned out by doing baby-centered parenting, it doesn’t work nearly as well,” the Popcaks write.

Burnt-out, exhausted parents don’t connect with their babies very well; they tend to be less animated, and make less eye contact with their children. In fact, this exhaustion-fueled detachment can wipe out the benefits of a baby-centered approach.

Moreover, research shows that “babies do best in homes where Mom and Dad’s relationship is strong and secure,” the Popcaks say, underlining the need for parents to attend to their own relationship, too. This does not mean that “if Mom and Dad are happy, Baby will be happy.” While there is plenty of evidence that poor marital relationships negatively affect children, strong marital relationships don’t cancel out the child’s need for prompt, consistent parental responses to her needs.

In short, a healthy family life requires more than just protecting adult time—it requires an integrated vision that honors every member of the household.

Aiming for the Common Good of the Family

This is where the Catholic social teaching principle of the common good comes into play. This principle suggests that those with the least ability to meet their own needs (like a baby) have a right to have their needs met first. At the same time, it also acknowledges that all people, including parents, have a right to have their own needs met, as long as they do so in a way that respects everyone else

What does this mean in practical terms? The Popcaks suggest that parents follow two principles.

First, “parents should challenge themselves on a regular basis to be as baby-centered as possible while being creative about how to meet their own needs.” The benefits of responding promptly, consistently, and affectionately to a child’s needs are so clear that doing so ought to be a priority. And for Catholics, the practice of this heroic “self-donation” is the way we find not only a happy, joyful life, but also our truest selves.

But balance is key. Parents are embodied human beings, not purely spiritual angels, which means they have very real limits that need to be respected.

“That’s why parents need to constantly seek creative ways to get time for themselves and their marriage,” the Popcaks write. “This takes sensitivity, prayer, communication, and commitment on the part of both parents.”

Nurturing the Routines and Rituals of Healthy Family Life

Exactly how to navigate that balancing act is the subject of the rest of Then Comes Baby, but establishing healthy routines and rituals—a topic the Popcaks frequently emphasize in their work with parents—is key, they say.

By pursuing the common good, Catholic parents can avoid the pitfalls of both extreme approaches and cultivate a family life that reflects generous love for their child and good stewardship of their own well-being and their marriage.

If you’d like to learn more about this topic, check out Then Comes Baby at CatholicCounselors.com. You can also get more personalized parenting advice through the community discussion forums in the CatholicHŌM app.

A Simple Ritual to End Your Workday Well

John, the Catholic CEO of a small musical instrument company, remembers the moment he realized he needed to develop healthier boundaries between his work and his home life. His 10-year-old daughter was telling him about her day at school, but although he was looking at her and trying to listen, his mind was still preoccupied with a stressful problem at work.

Finally, his daughter called him on it. “Dad, are you even listening?” He said he was, but then couldn’t tell her what she’d just been saying.

“It was clear something had to change,” he said.

His experience isn’t uncommon. In today’s always-on culture, it’s easy to let work bleed into home life: the stress of the office lingers at the dinner table, emails pull us away from family time, and unfinished tasks whisper in the back of our minds, ruining our sleep.

Most importantly, poor work/home boundaries can impact our relationship with the people who matter most in our lives.

If these challenges are present in your own life, you might be interested in a simple yet powerful ritual developed by pastoral counselor, Grant Freeman.

The Last Hour of the Workday: Preparing for Tomorrow

One of the best ways to set yourself up for a strong start tomorrow is by finishing well today, Freeman says. He recalls an old saying from his days as a roofer: “The last five minutes takes an hour.” In other words, rushing out the door without wrapping things up properly only makes for a frustrating start the next day.

Instead, he recommends using the last hour of your workday to:

  • Clean your workspace: Put away tools, clear your inbox, organize your desk, and file papers where they belong. A tidy workspace means a smooth start in the morning.
  • Review your calendar: Take an honest look at your schedule and adjust as needed. Acknowledge where you are instead of where you wish you were.
  • Plan your first tasks for tomorrow: Identify the top priorities for the next morning. What emails need to be sent? What phone calls should be made? Writing these down now clears your mind for the evening ahead.
  • Count the wins: Even on difficult days, find something to celebrate. Did you complete a tough task? Help a coworker? Simply making it to the end of a hard day is a victory.

Ending the day in this calm, ordered way not only sets you up for a great start tomorrow, but will help you be a more peaceful presence with your family.

The Transition Home: Reclaiming Your Role

Once the workday is closed, it’s time to shift into a different mindset—one of presence, love, and service to your family. Freeman suggests several ways to make this transition intentional:

  • Change your clothes: Physically changing out of your work attire and into comfortable home clothes is a simple but effective way to signal a shift in roles.
  • Wash your hands and face: This small act can serve as a moment to pause, reset, and leave behind the stress of the day.
  • Say a short prayer: Taking a moment to center yourself spiritually can help you step into your home life with a heart ready to serve.

Your prayer can be from the heart; it doesn’t need to be complicated. However, Freeman suggests praying as you change your clothes and wash your face, using words similar to the following:

  1. As you wash your hands and face, pray: “Give strength and gentleness to my hands, Lord, to bear the responsibility of my family and bring Your loving touch to them. May I look upon them with love, so that they may see Your face.”
  2. As you change your shirt, pray: “Lord, shield my heart to fend off all the assaults of the devil. O Lord, You have said, ‘My yoke is sweet and My burden light.’ Grant that I may carry it in a way that gives You glory and brings the best out of my family.”
  3. As you change your pants and put on your shoes, pray: “Lord, let me remember that I stand created in Your image and likeness, in true righteousness and holiness. May I walk in spirit and in truth.”

By taking a few moments to close the workday with intention and prepare for family life with presence, you can bring greater peace, joy, and love into your home. Your work is important, but ultimately, it is for the good of those you love. This simple ritual helps you show up fully for them—ready to listen, engage, and lead with love.

If you’d like to explore this or other areas of stress in your life, reach out to Grant Freeman or any of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Feeling Safe: More Than Stepping Out of Your Shell

Do you ever feel like you’re just scuttling through life, always on the lookout for ways to protect yourself from disappointment, criticism, disaster, or failure?

We humans have an innate desire to feel safe, says Jacob Flores-Popcak, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. We want to feel physically safe, of course, but we also crave a sense that, whatever life throws at us emotionally, physically, or spiritually, we’ll be able to meet—and survive—the challenge.

This desire is natural and good, but sometimes people try to secure that sense of “existential safety,” as Flores-Popcak puts it, in ways that backfire. To help clients understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy ways of coping, he asks them an amusing question: Are you living more like a hermit crab or a sea turtle?

Let’s take a closer look at what he means by that—and why it matters.

The Hermit Crab Mentality

Hermit crabs are small creatures with soft, vulnerable abdomens that protect themselves by living in discarded sea snail shells. As they grow, they must find progressively larger shells, meaning that they’re constantly on the lookout for a more suitable shell their entire lives.

Many people approach life in a similar way, Flores-Popcak says.

“We scuttle along the beach of life, searching for a shell to protect us from threats,” he says. This “shell” is a strategy or ritual that can take many different forms: obsessive behaviors, scrupulous rule-following, or withdrawing from society, for instance.

But even if we find a “shell” that calms our fear for a while, we eventually “outgrow” it and need an even bigger, more complicated behavior or habit to restore that feeling of control.

“For example, a socially anxious person might at first avoid some large gatherings to feel safe,” Flores-Popcak explains. “But over time, as the anxiety worsens, the person may widen the scope of social situations they avoid. Eventually, they may feel it is better to avoid social contact altogether.”

Similarly, someone with obsessive-compulsive tendencies might begin with small rituals, like checking the stove once before leaving the house.

“Soon,” Flores-Popcak says, “that ritual might take hours, because as the anxiety grows, the need for bigger and bigger ‘shells’ keeps growing too.”

The problem isn’t the desire for safety itself—it’s the belief that safety is something external, something we need to find or control outside of ourselves. This mindset leaves us perpetually anxious and reactive, searching for the next thing to make us feel secure.

The Freedom of the Sea Turtle

The alternative, Flores-Popcak says, is to understand that God did not make us to be hermit crabs, scuttling along the beach of life in constant search for a big enough shell.

Instead, we need to understand that God made us to be like sea turtles. Unlike the hermit crab, whose shell is external, the sea turtle’s shell is part of its body.

“Sea turtles aren’t compelled to run around in a panic, constantly looking for an adequate shell.” Flores-Popcak continues. “They sense threats, of course, but aren’t controlled by them. They can take risks. They move slowly and assuredly, knowing they’re already protected. Most importantly, their sense of safety grows with them. Likewise, our sense of safety is meant to be an integral part of who we are, not something we have to find outside ourselves. An internal grounding that leaves us open to meaningful relationships and experiences.”

Living like a sea turtle means embracing the truth that your safety comes from within. For Christians, this safety is rooted in the knowledge that God’s love and grace are always with us.

“Christ’s passion, death, and resurrection consecrated us to himself,” Popcak-Flores says. “Our safety isn’t found in external rituals or achievements—it’s found in him, dwelling within us.”

Moving Toward Emotional Safety

If you find yourself stuck in the hermit crab mentality, take heart: change is possible. The first step is to pause and ask yourself a simple question: What would I do if I already knew I was safe?

Flores-Popcak elaborates: “What would it look like for me to approach this if I already knew I was safe? How would I approach this thing I’m about to do differently if doing that thing wasn’t what made me safe, but instead I was already safe—and that safety rested within me?”

The first time you try it, you might feel uneasy because your old way feels so ingrained, he says. “That first step is always going to be the hardest, because you will be taking a risk—a gamble, as it were—on the possibility that you’re safe. You won’t believe it until after you’ve already done it.”

But, he continues, “even if you don’t fully believe it yet, imagining what it would look like to act from a place of safety – what you’d allow yourself to do if you already felt that safe feeling – can give you a vision for a different way of life.”

Start with something small, he says. “You don’t have to dive headfirst into something that feels terrifying. Take one tiny step. For instance, if you’re socially anxious, maybe you text a friend instead of avoiding contact altogether. If you’re struggling with obsessive-compulsive behaviors, try waiting a few minutes before allowing yourself to act on a ritual.”

Over time, these small risks can build confidence and reinforce the truth that your safety isn’t dependent on external circumstances.

“When you act from a place of safety, even in small ways, you start to internalize the truth that God has made you whole and capable,” Flores-Popcak says.

For those who struggle to feel this safety, seeking support can make all the difference. If you’re ready to move from anxiety and control to confidence and freedom, consider reaching out to a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

A Powerful Key to A Stronger, More Satisfying Marriage

Couples who pray together, whether they are dating or married, enjoy a wide range of benefits: better communication, relationship satisfaction, and trust, according to a wide body of research.

So why do so few couples—perhaps only 4 percent—pray together?

Many couples say that the idea of praying together feels awkward—even intimidating, according to Dr. Greg Popcak, founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and co-author, with Lisa Popcak, of Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love.

But despite these common misgivings, Dr. Popcak has seen the transformative power of couple prayer in his practice. In fact, the Popcaks say couple prayer is one of the most powerful ways to build a strong, loving marriage.

Prayer Is Fundamentally Communal

Another objection that many Catholics raise about praying as a couple is the idea that prayer is meant to be private. But as Dr. Popcak points out, the Church teaches that all prayer—even prayer that you say individually—is, at bottom, the prayer of the whole Church.

“By definition, prayer is an activity that draws us into deeper intimacy with God and others,” Dr. Popcak says.

The Mass, the sacraments, and even Confession remind us that our faith is lived in community. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says: “Prayer is Christian insofar as it is communion with Christ and extends throughout the Church, which is his Body” (#2565).

When a couple prays together, they invite God to be at the center of their relationship. They open themselves to his grace, allowing him to shape their love and guide them through life’s challenges. If all prayer helps us forge stronger relationships with God and others, it makes sense that praying together as a couple would strengthen your marriage.

Four Tips for Praying with Your Spouse

If the idea of couple prayer makes you nervous, take heart. Praying together doesn’t have to be complicated or formal. In fact, the best prayers are those that come from the heart. Here are four simple steps to help you begin:

1. Relax—There’s No “Right” Way to Pray

Many couples hesitate to pray together because they fear doing it “wrong.” They imagine needing to kneel, use formal language, or follow a rigid structure. But prayer is simply a conversation with God.

“In John 15:15, Jesus calls us his friends,” Dr. Popcak reminds us. “There’s no more right way to pray than there is a right way to talk to a friend.”

Just as you and your spouse talk about your day, your joys, and your struggles, you can talk to God in the same way. Some days, your prayers might be simple and brief. Other times, you might pour out your worries or share your gratitude. All of it matters to God.

2. Make It a Habit

Prayer becomes easier the more you do it. The key is consistency. Try picking a specific time to pray together, such as:

  • Right before bed
  • After dinner
  • Once the kids are asleep

By establishing a routine, you’ll grow more comfortable with prayer and start to experience the profound power of praying as a couple.

3. Encourage One Another

Building a new habit takes time. If you miss a day—or even a week—don’t get discouraged. The important thing is to keep trying.

Avoid keeping score over who initiates prayer more often. Instead, focus on simply making it happen. Support and encourage each other along the way.

4. Respect Different Prayer Styles

Not everyone prays the same way, and that’s okay. One spouse might feel comfortable praying out loud, while the other prefers silent reflection. Some might enjoy reading Scripture, while others prefer spontaneous prayer.

Dr. Popcak advises couples to be patient and respectful: “Be careful not to criticize each other or laugh about the way your spouse prays. God welcomes all prayer, no matter how it’s expressed.”

When a couple prays together, they give God—the very source of love—the opportunity to teach them how he wants them to love one another. By making prayer a regular part of your relationship, you’ll open the door to deeper intimacy, greater unity, and a love that reflects God’s design.

Next time, we’ll look at a simple framework for guiding your prayer time together. In the meantime, if you want to learn more about couple prayer, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, is a great resource to help you take the next step. You can find it at CatholicCounselors.com.

The Beauty And Depth of God’s Plan for Love

Perhaps no other teaching of the Catholic Church is more misunderstood than its take on human sexuality. That misunderstanding is often rooted in the way people understand the meaning and purpose of human sexuality, says Dr. Greg Popcak, director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

Popular culture usually frames sexual relationships in terms of eroticism, in which the sex act is isolated from the rest of the participants’ humanity and experience. The Church, by contrast, advocates a holistic sexuality—what Dr. Popcak calls “holy sex”—in which sex fits into the bigger picture of what it means to be human.

In his book Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving, Popcak explains that while both types of sexuality may bring pleasure, their deeper impact on individuals and relationships is profoundly different.

In a talk based on the book, Dr. Popcak outlined seven key differences that reveal the beauty and depth of God’s plan for love.

1. Holy Sex Makes Us Whole

Holy sex and eroticism may both feel good, but the quality of pleasure they offer is fundamentally different. Holy sex is like experiencing a breathtaking sunrise or a moving symphony that fills you with awe and leaves you feeling more whole.

Eroticism, by contrast, is like the allure of Las Vegas lights: a flash of excitement that ultimately leaves you poorer when it is over. Holy sex offers joy that enriches the entire person—body, mind, and soul.

2. Holy Sex is Fueled by Intimacy

While eroticism is fueled by arousal, holy sex is fueled by intimacy—that sense of deep connection and closeness that comes from a good, healthy relationship.

“Intimacy makes me feel like no matter how tired I am, no matter what’s going on in my day, I want to be in the arms of my friend, my best friend,” Dr. Popcak says, “and the more I know my wife, the more I want to be with her.”

3. Holy Sex Creates Intimacy and Healthy Vulnerability

The third difference is that holy sex causes intimacy and healthy vulnerability, Dr. Popcak says, while eroticism causes shame and suspicion.

Holy sex creates a safe space for vulnerability, fostering trust and openness. It encourages couples to embrace each other as whole persons. In contrast, eroticism is more about using another person’s sexuality for your own pleasure. That experience of being used can lead to feelings of shame and resentment.

“The opposite of love is not hate, but use,” he says. When someone feels used rather than loved, they may emotionally withdraw to protect themselves.

On the other hand, “if I’m loving my wife, and we are experiencing holy sex, we become more complete and whole persons because of the experience,” Dr. Popcak says. “We want to open up to each other more, we want to experience each other more, we want to understand each other better.”

4. Holy Sex Unites Two as One

The fourth difference between holy sex and eroticism is that holy sex tends to bring two people closer together, while eroticism tends to alienate them.

Holy sex bonds couples deeply, even rewiring their brains to see each other as integral parts of themselves. This unity strengthens marriages and helps couples navigate life’s challenges together.

“When we’re with one person, that person becomes more and more a part of ourselves,” Dr. Popcak says, and “we start in our brain to see the other person as part of ourselves.”

When we break up with a sexual partner, that rupture actually lights up the pain centers in the brain. In fact, research shows that as the number of premarital sexual partners increases, the difficulty of maintaining a stable marriage decreases.

5. Holy Sex Is Generous

“Holy sex allows us to celebrate a love so powerful that, as Scott Hahn puts it, in nine months it has to be given its own name,” Dr. Popcak says.

Holy sex reflects God’s own creative, generous love. It is holistic, connecting sex with its wider biological and social context.

Eroticism, however, isolates the physical act of love from its deeper meaning and potential.

“Eroticism is terrified of children,” Dr. Popcak says. “It says, I don’t want that fertility part of you. I just want the parts of you that make me feel good.”

This doesn’t mean that sex is only holy when it leads to children, but it’s about openness to the life (literal or figurative) that true intimacy brings. 

6. Holy Sex Leads to Flourishing

While holy sex contributes to physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, eroticism tends to cause physical, emotional, and spiritual harm.

“People were made to be loved, and if we’re loved, we flourish. And if we’re used, we break down,” Dr. Popcak says. A large body of research has long shown that in a healthy marriage, people tend to show higher levels of physical and psychological health.

Eroticism, on the other hand, causes about 19 million new STD infections per year in the U.S. alone, costing about $4.1 billion annually to our health care system.

7. Holy Sex Supports Enduring Relationships

Finally, holy sex becomes more vital and passionate with time, while eroticism fades and dies with time. Holy sex supports enduring, satisfying relationships.

It all goes back to intimacy, Dr. Popcak says: “The more I know you, the more I want to know you. The more I love you, the more I want to love you. The more I want to please you. Our experience of lovemaking is rooted in intimacy and friendship and partnership, not in creating a drama, not in things.”

Discovering the Beauty of Holy Sex

In the end, holy sex is about participating in the deeper reality of God’s love. It’s about a holistic approach to sex in which it is not isolated from the full breadth of the human experience.

“It’s not depressing, it’s not repressive, it’s not boring, it’s amazing,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s the most incredible experience, and it’s what God wants all of us to have, and it’s what the Church talks about when she talks about sex.”

For more insights and practical guidance, explore Dr. Greg Popcak’s Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving. By embracing God’s plan, couples can discover a love that is not only deeply fulfilling but also life-giving in every sense of the word.