40 Days to a Better Marriage Tip–Tues 2/26: Manage Your Transitions

Managing transitions are an important way to prevent stress from negatively affecting relationships.  Without good transitions, it’s too easy to let work and family stress spill over into the marriage.  While husbands and wives should be willing to help each other process their stress, that’s different from taking out your stress on each other.  Today, think about the transitions in your day (e.g., coming home from work, picking up the kids from school, coming and going from running errands, etc).  How will you keep the stress of those activities from spilling over on your spouse?  What could you do to take down your emotional temperature just enough to be pleasant, attentive, and affectionate when you see your spouse–at least until you could deal with any issues you need to discuss later, once you’ve had a chance to reconnect a bit?

 

——For the next 40 days, M2L will offer a tip-a-day for improving your marriage. For more help creating an exceptional marriage, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn more about Catholic tele-counseling services. 740-266-6461.  And Check out more great marriage-building ideas in For Better…FOREVER!  A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage.

 

COMING TUES ON MORE2LIFE RADIO–STRESSED TO THE MAX!

STRESSESD TO THE MAX–Today we’ll look at the negative effects stress can have on our life and our body.   We’ll offer new ideas for responding  more gracefully to the stressful events we experience.

Check out our question of the day at the M2L Facebook page.  Stress affects our body, mind, and relationships.  When you get stressed out, how does it affect you?  (Bonus: How do you try to cope and does it work?)

—————————————–

Listen to More2Life live weekdays from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C).  Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you?  Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast!

Lead Them Not Into Temptation: Preventing Lying in Little Ones

A new study shows that lying is quite common by 2 years old that by 3 most children are masters of deception.

Understandably, this might be a cause for serious concern among most Catholic parents.  We know the value of honesty and trust, and we want to raise our kids to be honest and trustworthy.   That said, it’s important that we remember that lying at this age isn’t the same thing as lying at age 6 or 7 and, if you handle “lying” at this stage appropriately, you might just be able to prevent your kid from becoming a professional con artist by the Second Grade.

LYING AND TODDLERS– 3 THINGS PARENTS NEED 2 KNOW

There are three things you need to keep in mind about lying and little ones.  First, 2-3 year olds aren’t anywhere near the age of reason.  Developmental psychologists tell us that children this age don’t connect actions with consequences.  Secondly, and more importantly for this conversation, kids this age often don’t know the differences between fantasy and reality.  They tend to think that if they think or feel something to be true, it is true. For instance, using the example in a study, the child who looked at the toy knows he wasn’t supposed to and feels bad for disobeying.  He doesn’t want it to be true that he was disobedient, so, in his mind, it isn’t a lie if he says he didn’t look at it.  The third reason a lie isn’t really a lie at this age is that kids have very little control over their fight, flight, or freeze response–the reaction that keeps us from getting eaten by a sabre tooth tiger. The thing is, the underdeveloped brain of the toddler/young child really isn’t picky about the nature of the threat.  If it FEELS threatened then IS a serious threat–whether it is in reality or not.

PUTTING INTO PRACTICE

All this is important to know so that parents can resist accidentally encouraging lying in young kids.  For instance, imagine your rule is “no snacks before dinner”  but your 3 year old sees a cookie and eats it when he thinks you’re not looking. Meanwhile, you happenned to come around the corner at the last moment and you caught your child cookie-handed and crumb-faced.  If you say, “Johnny!   Did you eat that cookie?”   What do you think will happen based on the information I shared above?

If you guessed that the child will stare you right in the face and, with the biggest eyes in the world, say, “(chew, chew)  No, mommy (chew, gulp)!”

Granted, that looks like a lie.   But here is what is going on in your little one’s head.

1.  “I shouldn’t eat the cookie, but I was hungry and it was right there, but I didn’t want to make mommy mad by eating it so therefore I didn’t really eat it.”

2.  “Maybe mommy didn’t see me eat it, and if she didn’t see it and I didn’t want to do it, maybe it didn’t really happen.”

I know it looks crazy to a grown-up, but this really is what’s going on in your little one’s head.  He is being deceptive, but he really is not intending to lie.

But obviously, this isn’t acceptable, so how do you handle this?  Simple.  Don’t lead them into temptation.  Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to.

AND NOW, A PARENTAL DO-OVER

Let’s replay the scene.  You child eats the cookie.  You see him do it.  This time you say, “Johnny, you know our rule is ‘no snacks before dinner.’   Because you chose to have your dessert first, I’m afraid there will be no sweets for the rest of the night.  Do you understand?”

Child:  Yes mommy.

Mom:  Okay, cookie-face. C’mere and let’s clean you up.

Short and sweet.  The rule is reinforced and the consequence backs it up.  The child has no idea how you knew, but he learns that, somehow, you know everything so there’s no point trying to get one past you.  Lying–even this relatively benevolent form–is largely extinguished before it gets started.

If you can be gentle, matter-of-fact, and let the consequences (instead of your anger and yelling) do the talking, you can do a lot to cooperate with the brain God gave your child and help your kid develop the virtue of honesty from the earliest age.  All you have to do is show your kids the same mercy we ask of our Heavenly Father in the Lord’s Prayer and lead them not into temptation.

———————————

For more great parenting tips for raising (almost) perfect kids, check out Parenting with Grace:  The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

 

 

By What Authority? A Secular Case for Knowing What the Church Says is True.

As Catholics, we believe that Jesus intended to create a church that would be his presence on earth, serve as a physical sign of his continued connection to the world and to preach, teach, forgive sin and heal in his name.  As such, we believe that the Holy Spirit guides the Church and allows the Church to teach what is true.  We believe this to such a degree that we acknowledge that we can know that some teachings of the Church are absolutely true, in fact, infallibly true. 

But these are all statements of faith and not particularly convincing to the skeptic.  Is it possible to make a secular case for the authority of the Church?  Is there some way to argue from the social sciences that the Church has a valid and reliable means of asserting truth claims that are at least as true and authoritative as any other research published in a peer-reviewed, well-respected, social science journal?  I would argue that the answer is, “yes.”

How Do Scientists (including Social Scientists) Know Stuff?

There are two ways a scientist (including a social scientist) can claim to have discovered something about the truth.  Quantitative research and Qualitative research.

Quantitative Research involves counting things.   If I give 100 people a survey, score that survey, and report the scores, I’ve done a quantitative study.  If I count the number of hours 100 depressed people sleep and compare that to the number of hours a non-depressed people sleep, I’ve done a quantitative study.  The advantage of quantitative research is that it is purely objective. It involves numbers.  The disadvantage is the quality of the information.  For example, how do I know a score on a test really represents anything important?  Is a person who scores 110 on an IQ test really smarter than a person who scores 105?  If so, in what way?  Quantitative research can’t tell me that.   Likewise,  does counting the number of hours a group of depressed people sleep really tell me anything particularly meaningful about the experience of depression or the experience of the depressed person?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

If I really want to know about the details of the inner-life of people and what is true based on human experience, I need a different methodology.  That’s where qualitative research comes in.

Qualitative Research involves in-depth interviews with lots of people from a lot of different walks of life, ideally,  over a long period of time.  Qualitative studies are harder to validate because the data they produce is subjective (i.e., I’m asking people about their opinions instead of counting the number of times they do X or giving them a score on a quiz).  BUT  using various, accepted methods, the social scientist can confidently assert that somethings are generally true based on qualitative data as long as certain practices are respected.

Qualitative studies are validated through triangulation (i.e., comparing the results of one sample or study with the data from another sample/study and seeing what remains consistent across studies), richness of data (how detailed the information gathered in an interview was), and by the quality of the sample (i.e., a study that asks questions of 1000 people of various ages and cultures and walks of life is generally more reliable than a study that asks the same questions of 10 white middle-class college students).  While social scientists are loathe to say anything is “true” or “proven” we do feel comfortable arguing that, based on the quality of the methodology behind a partcular study or studies, we can be more confident about certain findings than others, and we agree that those findings should guide our practice because they are (for wont of a better way of putting it) “more true” than other studies whose methodologies and samples are not as reliable or valid as others.

So What Does Any of this Have to Do with The Teaching Authority of the Catholic Church?

One way to think of “religions” is to think of them as longitudinal qualitative research projects who are attempting to answer the fundamental questions of human existence. We can (and should) evaluate the truth claims of various religions using the same methods that we evaluate/criticis the validity of any qualitative research project. How long has the data been being gathered? What is the depth and breadth of the sample that has participated in the discussion of the research questions? What is the richness of the data and the consistency of the themes that have emerged from the discussions?

I would argue that, seen from this perspective, Catholicism has the clearest perspective on the question, “What is truth?” Here’s why.

 1. Length of data gathering– A two-thousand year old conversation is hard to argue with. If you know anything about the development of doctrine, you know that contrary to popular opinion, it isn’t handed down from on high. It emerges from systematic discussions that go on for centuries in some cases and, in almost every case involve the whole world.

One might counter that Judaism (circa, 1900 BC), Buddhism (500BC), or Hinduism (depending on how you trace it, about 1000 BC) also have a good case to be made here (Islam is, historically speaking, a new kid on the block, beginning with Muhammad in about 600 AD). And while they are reasonable contenders, there are other problems with their data that must be considered.

2. Triangulation/Depth and Breadth of Sample.

This is really where Catholicism shines. It is the only one of our contenders that is not overly geographically or culturally bound. Judaism’s search for truth is limited to the chosen people. Historically, there is very little interest in engaging in a dialog with peoples outside of itself. Same with Islam, only moreso. Buddhism has certainly spread throughout the west, but that is a recent occurrence, say the last 200 years if we are generous. It’s truth claims were well-established by the time it was introduced more broadly. Hinduism suffers here too because of how culturally and geographically bound it is. It has very little appeal outside of certain ethnic groups.

Only Catholicism can legitimately assert that its truth claims–i.e., doctrines–were the result of centuries long discussions/arguments with the entire known world, and these truth claims have continued to be tested and found valid over time and across cultures. In fact, these truth claims have been found so solid, that they serve as the foundation for the vast majority of the things we take for granted, not in just Western Civilization, but what is considered civilization anywhere.

Likewise, while there are professionals who arbitrate these truth claims (bishops and priests serve a similar function as journal editors/peer-review boards in this regard) they do not pronounce the truth claims out of thin air. They facilitate and arbitrate–very much like peer-review boards and journal editors. (And not to be triumphalistic, but while we’re at it, Protestantism suffers because of both its realtive youth and because it tends to get rid of our metaphorical journal editors and peer-review boards).

 3. Richness of the data

Here again, Catholicism comes out strong. It is certainly possible to argue with the Church’s conclusions, but it is harder to dispute the methodology and the fact that the truth claims that support doctrines emerged out of themes that have repeated themselves again and again over centruries and across cultures. ANY social science researcher would kill to have data like this to plug into ATLAS (a computer program used by qualitative researchers to analyze interview data).  It is the strength of these emerging themes across cultures and time–a depth and breadth of data gathering that other religions simply can’t claim– that adds to the secular case for the Church’s right to assert that its teachings are true.  Another aspect of this argument is the fact that the Church is open to truth where it may be found (i.e., it triangulates its findings) in other “conversations” (i.e. other qualitative research projects aka. religions and sciences). Contrary to popular, ignorant, opinion, the Church’s positions are not simply rooted in revelation. Although revelation certainly serves as a starting point in the Church’s quest for truth, the Church always insists that revelation has to be tested in the qualitative laboratory of human experience (and often, in the quanitative lab as well, which is why it invented so many of the hard sciences) and time before it is validated and pronounced upon (that’s why the Church distinguishes between “private” [i.e., untested] revelation and revelation that is doctrine). There is simply no other religion that comes to its truth claims the same way. See Rodney Stark’s book, The Victory of Reason.

Whatever you think of Catholicism’s truth claims, their qualitative methodology is the most rigorous of all world religions, philosophies, or even academic systems of truth gathering. Therefore, the conclusion must be respected and even considered true–or at least as close to truth as we can get in the social sciences– since these truth claims represent the most rigorous , qualitative search for truth undertaken by anybody, any instititution (religious or not), and at any time.

What are the Limits to this Argument?

The first limit of the argument is that it could be taken by people-of-faith to mean that the Holy Spirit has no place in the development of our understanding of the truth. I AM NOT SAYING THIS AT ALL.    Science can’t study the Holy Spirit and how he moves.  Science can only observe the mechanisms of his movement.  That the process the Church uses for discerning what is true closely resembles the methods the social sciences use to assert truth claims should not be surprising, but it doesn’t displace the need for, or presence of the Holy Spirit.

Second, this argument really can’t prove beyond the shadow of a doubt–from a secular point of view–that what the Church says is unquestionable true.  I grant that that requires faith.  BUT this argument can show that the methodology the Church uses to assert truth claims is very similar–in fact, almost identical– to the methodology used by social scientists to assert truth claims in the most prestigious professional journals.  Therefore, the truth claims of the Church ought to be considered with at least as much respect as any other argument made by published, peer-reviewed, social science research.

The Church takes the quest for truth very seriously.  It should come as no surprise that the methods used by the Church to assert truth claims would be rigorous by any researcher’s standards.  The problem is, no one thinks of the Church’s methodology this way.  I hope these reflections do at least a little bit to get people thinking about the way we know anything and how the quest for religious and scientific truths really are not that far apart.

 

More2Life Radio Question of the Day–Monday.

Monday Q of the D:  What (specifically) do you wish you were giving most of your time and energy to and where (specifically)  does your time and energy go instead?

Don’t forget to check out the discussion on the M2L Facebook Page.

——————————————————

Listen to More2Life live weekdays from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C).  Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you?  Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast!

40 Days to A Better Marriage Tip–Monday 2/25 Prioritize Your Marriage TODAY!

Is a good marriage a value or an ideal for you?   (h/t Retrouvaille‘s Frank and Julie LaBoda)

A VALUE is something we recognize as good and worthwhile and we choose to have it in our life now by sacrificing other things.   An IDEAL is something we recognize as good and worthwhile and we want it in our life sometime in the future, but we’re not willing to sacrifice for it right now.

Just a few minutes of self reflection will reveal how your time each day is spent. Will you be surprised to find out that watching TV or spending time on the computer are VALUES, yet time (any time…much less meaningful time) spent with your spouse is just an IDEAL?

Today, decide to value your marriage.  Intentionally cancel some TV or computer time.  Reschedule a non-essential appointment.  Knock off early from work.  Sacrifice something to get more time with your spouse today!

——For the next 40 days, M2L will offer a tip-a-day for improving your marriage. For more help creating an exceptional marriage, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn more about Catholic tele-counseling services. 740-266-6461.

40 Days to a Better Marriage Tip–Fri 2/22: That Extra, Thoughtful Thing…

 40 Days to a Better Marriage Tip– Fri 2/22:  That Extra, Thoughtful Thing–What is that thing your spouse really enjoys but you resist doing because it’s just not “your thing?”  Go ahead and do that thing today (or make a plan with your spouse, today, to do it soon).  A little generosity goes a long way toward making your marriage everything it could be.

 

——For the next 40 days, M2L will offer a tip-a-day for improving your marriage. For more help creating an exceptional marriage, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn more about Catholic tele-counseling services. 740-266-6461.

Kids’ Needs Don’t Matter in “New Conversation” on Marriage

“New Conversation on Marriage” Forbiding kids to mourn missing mom or dad?

(Why can infertile couples marry but homosexual couples can’t? Because infertility doesn’t redefine the natural rights of children.)

David Blankenhorn, the founder and director of the Institute for American Values is spearheading a so-called “new” conversation about marriage wherein marriage is allegedly strengthened by redefining it into oblivion.

On David’s Family Scholars Blog, Barry Deutsch, political cartoonist and longtime veteran of the war on marriage, admiringly posts the SCOTUS brief filed by attorneys Ted Olsen (former US Solicitor Gen under George W.) and David Boise in opposition to Prop 8, the California, voter-supported initiative that protected the traditional definition of marriage and is now under legal assault.

Olsen and Boise can barely contain their scorn for the Pro-Marriage side of the debate, but one part of the brief is especially offensive. They write, “Indeed, Proponents’ state-centric construct of marriage means that the State could constitutionally deny any infertile couple the right to marry, and could prohibit marriage altogether if it chose to pursue a society less committed to “responsible” procreation.”

What an incredibly offensive, intentional mischaracterization of the position of those who stand against the redefinition of marriage. It is blisteringly, intentionally, ignorant. Here is why they are wrong.

Unlike homosexual couples, infertile heterosexual couples can be married because (a) infertility can be treatable and (b) even when it isn’t, infertile couples can be married without having to necessarily insist that a children’s right to a mother AND a father is discriminatory.

By contrast, allowing same-sex marriage effectively requires the redefinition of the natural needs of the child to simply having “parent 1″ and “parent 2″ instead of “mother” and “father.” Every child naturally aches for both a mother and a father and every child deprived of one or the other is keenly aware of the absence. Same-sex marriage would require society, and mental health professionals in particular, to tell any child (not just children of homosexual parents) who is grieving the absence of either mother or father that their grief is irrational and unacceptable and–at best–a distant second to society’s need to appease the narcissistic desires of adults.

Apparently, in the “new” conversation on marriage, children should be seen and not heard.

COMING FRI:  The Tyranny of the Shoulds–The Theology of the Body reminds us that there is more to life, but that’s different from beating ourselves (and others) about not being there yet. Today on M2L, we’ll look at how to be gentle with ourselves and others as we try to live peaceably with the fact that we are all works in progress.

We’d love your feedback on the question of the day!  What imperfections in yourself or others is it hardest for you to know whether you should just accept or keep fighting against?

——————————————————-

Listen to More2Life live weekdays from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C).  Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you?  Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast!

40 Days to a Better Marriage–Thurs 2/21: Imagine Your Future Together

40 Days to a Better Marriage Tip– Thurs 2/21: Hopes and Dreams– Today, carve out 20 minutes to talk about how you’d like your marriage to be a year from now.  What do you think are your greatest strengths as a couple?  How would you like to put those strengths toward becoming an even closer couple over the next year?  Take some time to imagine the future you’d like to create together.

——For the next 40 days, Dr. Greg Popcak and More2Life Radio will offer a tip-a-day for improving your marriage. For more help creating an exceptional marriage, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn more about Catholic tele-counseling services. 740-266-6461.