Why Knot: My Interview with OSV Newsmagazine

Mary DeTurris Poust featured me in  great piece on cohabitation v. marriage.  The main article is here.  Here’s a little taste.

 Dr. Gregory Popcak, a psychotherapist who is the author of “For Better … Forever! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage” (OSV, $14.95) and the host of “More2Life,” a nationally syndicated call-in radio advice show, said there are some obvious and basic differences between the commitment of marriage and the choice to cohabit. He referred to research by Dr. Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, that has shown that the main difference between cohabiting couples and married couples is what Stanley calls “sliding versus deciding.”

“In other words, the path to traditional marriage is intentional. At each step of the way — dating to serious dating to engagement to marriage with a public exchange of vows — there is a conscious decision being made to increase commitment to one another and intentionally limit one’s other choices,” Popcak told OSV.

“With cohabiting, couples slide along rather than deciding. They start sleeping together, then one person gets a drawer at the other’s place, then two, then half the closet, then I might as well move in since my stuff is here anyway, then maybe we have a kid and people start looking at us funny so we might as well get married, I guess,” he explained. “Then one member of the couple or the other wakes up one morning and says, ‘I never chose any of this! How did I get here?’ It sounds ridiculous, but that’s the way it plays out more often than not. The lack of intentionality makes all the difference in the stability, satisfaction and longevity of the relationship.”

Coming Wed on More2Life–All Stressed Up and No Place to Go (Plus, Win a Free Book! Details below)

Coming Wednesday on More2Life:  All Stressed Out and No Place to Go–We’ll explore all the things that stress you out and how to find peace in the chaos!

Don’t forget to respond to our Facebook Q of the D:  (Two-Fer!  Answer one or both to win!)

1.  In the course of your week, what situations tend to stress you out the most?

2.  When you get stressed out, what do you do?

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about stress and how to manage it…gracefully.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!),
~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net
~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This is a great way to get that title you haven’t read yet, or get a book for a friend who really needs it!  Enter every day to win.

This week’s featured title is:  The Marriage Made for Heaven Marriage Builder Kit (1 Leaders Guide and 5 Workbooks.  Use them to improve your own marriage or start a marriage building group with your friends or in your parish!)

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing on Friday 6/14.

Coming Friday on More2Life Radio: YOU ARE SO ANNOYING! (Plus, Win a Free Book! Details below)

Coming FRIDAY on More2Life–You are SO Annoying!:  The Theology of the Body reminds us that we are all “unique and unrepeatable”  which sound great in theory, until you run up against someone whose “unique-ness” makes you want to scream!  Today on M2L, we’ll look at those annoying differences that put distance between you and others and help you cultivate peace with the people who drive you crazy.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about dealing with all the annoyingly different people in your life

Don’t forget to answer the question of the day!

Friday Q of the D:  (Answer to win!)—Everyone has certain pet peeves, things that others do that frustrate, annoy and irritate us.  Complete the following sentence, “It drives me crazy when people…”

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This is a great way to get that title you haven’t read yet, or get a book for a friend who really needs it!  Enter every day to win.  This week’s featured title is:  God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Nuts!  Finding Balance Through God’s Grace.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing Friday afternoon.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!),
~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net
~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

Coming Wed on More2Life: The God Connection (Plus, Win a Free Book! Details Below)

Coming WEDNESDAY on More2Life– The God Connection:  God loves you so much!  He is reaching out to you in so many ways.   Today on More2Life, we’ll look at the ways we can draw closer to God and how to remove the obstacles that stand in our path.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about experiencing God’s love more fully in your daily life.

WIN A FREE BOOK!  (Details below).

Wed Q of the D:  (Two-Fer.  Answer one or both).

1. When are you most aware of God’s love for you?

 

2. What makes you feel disconnected from God?

 

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This is a great way to get that title you haven’t read yet, or get a book for a friend who really needs it!  Enter every day to win.  This week’s featured title is:  God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Nuts!  Finding Balance Through God’s Grace. 

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing Friday afternoon.

 

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US! ~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), ~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net ~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

But Aren’t All Kids Different?

One of the challenges of being a “parenting expert” is that you often find yourself arguing that one type of parenting is superior to others despite the fact that all children are, in fact, different and need different things.

How is it possible to do this?  Isn’t it over-reaching at best or hypocritical at worst to argue that one style of parenting is better than others while at the same time acknowledging that all families and children are different and need different things?   Well, not to get all Bill Clinton about it, but it kind of all depends on what you mean by “different.”

For instance, it is true that everyone has a different personality, but it is also true that, as different as we are, we all share a common humanity.  What we share ought to make it possible to say that certain things enable every person to function at his or her best regardless of our very real and important differences.

Let’s take the focus off people and talk about one of my other favorite things; ice cream (YUM!).   Now, ice cream comes in lots of different flavors, and those flavors are really important, but there are certain ingredients that make some brands of ice cream superior to others regardless of the flavor those competing companies produce.

In the same way, thanks to developments like interpersonal neurobiology (the science of how relationships actually affect the way our brains develop and function), which, since it is dependent upon neuroimaging, is more science than philosophy, it’s possible to say with some confidence that certain ways of raising children tend to allow those children to reach their fullest neuropsychological potential even while allowing for wide differences between personalities.

For instance, we’re able to see that being a loving, intimate, empathic, interdependently social person is what is actually normal for the well-functioning human brain–just, incidentally,  like the Theology of the Body says it is supposed to be.  Both Interpersonal Neurobiology and the Theology of the Body assert that every human being ought to be able to experience those qualities to the full because they are both essential and foundational to our humanity.  Personality then builds upon those traits in a secondary but still tremendously important way so that while each of us can be fully human, we can all still be “unique and unrepeatable” (to use a TOB term).

The point is, when I say that self-donative parenting approaches (aka Attachment Parenting) are superior to other forms of parenting, I mean no disrespect to the very obvious and real differences of each child that every family has to contend with.   What I do mean is that that this style of parenting is actually being shown–by neuroimaging studies–to best facilitate the formation of the brain structures responsible for the fulfillment of every child’s basic humanity.  Personality will develop on top of that.  Of course, parents need to be sensitive to the differences each child’s personality brings but attachment parenting strategies are more likely to give you the healthiest neurological/basic human foundation that allows you to raise a healthy, well-adjusted, well-formed, child regardless of that child’s particular personality traits.

Every child is different but regardless of those differences every child has a basic humanity that needs to be formed and nurtured.  I believe that the research from both theology and science show that attachment parenting practices are the best tools available to hel parents do that job.

Coming Friday on More2Life: Giving & Receiving–Finding the Balance

Coming Fri on More2Life– Giving and Receiving–Finding the Balance:  As Christians we’re called to be self-donative–heroically generous–to others.  But there are still times it’s ok to say “no” to requests.  And we do have a right to make sure that our needs are met as well.  Today on M2L, we’ll look at finding the balance between giving and receiving.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about those times when you feel like you’re having to give too much.

WIN A FREE BOOK!  (Details below).

Thurs Q of the D:  (Two-Fer.  Answer one or both).

1.   When are you most likely to feel that you’re giving too much?

2.   For some people, telling others what they need is easy.  For others, it’s really hard.  What is it like for you to let others know what your needs are?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday.

This is a great way to get that title you haven’t read yet, or get a book for a friend who really needs it!  Enter every day to win.  This week’s featured title is:  The Life God Wants You to Have:  Discovering the Divine Plan When Human Plans Fail. 

Winners will be contacted by FB message following the drawing Friday afternoon.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio  IPhone  or Android App (Check your app store!),
~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net
~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

Be Not Afraid: A Christian Response to Anxiety

            In any given year about 20% of adults in the US experience one type or another of anxiety disorder so if you do have an anxiety disorder, you’re in good company.  The good news is that up to 80% of people who seek treatment for anxiety disorders get better.  Anxiety disorders are highly treatable and new, more effective ways to help people are being developed every day.    If you are suffering with an anxiety disorder, the best thing to do is to seek help today.

Do God’s People get Anxiety Disorders?

People of faith often feel guilty for being anxious.  They wonder if perhaps they are not praying hard enough or not trusting God enough.  The truth is, Christians get anxiety disorders at roughly the same rate as everyone else.  This should not be a surprise.  After all, Christians catch cold as often as everyone else and get cancer or heart disease or high blood pressure at the same rate as everyone else.  No one thinks of these things as spiritual failings.   Anxiety disorders are what happen to a person when the brain’s fire-alarm center—the amygdala—gets a “chemical burn” from bathing too long in stress chemicals, making it hypersensitive and over-reactive to new problems.  Anxiety Disorders are not a failure of character or spiritual maturity.  They are what happen when the brain’s stress-warning systems become overwhelmed and hyper-activated.

How Are Anxiety Disorders Treated?

Research shows that the treatments that work best for anxiety disorders are psychotherapy and/or medication.  Most studies indicate that, especially for more serious anxiety disorders, recovery is quickest and strongest for those who receive both medication and psychotherapy.  Let’s take a brief look at each.

-Psychotherapy

            Many people are confused about psychotherapy.  How is it different than “just talking?”  Even more importantly, if anxiety is caused by the wearing out and overstimulation  of the body’s stress-warning systems, how can talking about your feelings help heal the body?

The truth is, just talking about your problems in any old way won’t necessarily help anything.  In fact, studies show that there are some ways of talking about your problems that can make them infinitely worse.  But mental health professionals have learned special ways to talk about problems–and teach clients techniques to work through problems–that have been shown to actually change the way the brain physically processes stress.  Recent studies employing electro-encephalogram (EEG) technology shows that in as little as 12 weeks, psychotherapy alone changed the electrical patterns in the brains of anxious patients and enabling their brains to process stress more like people who do not suffer from anxiety disorders.

Well trained mental health professionals do not only encourage you to talk about your problems, they teach you to deal with stress in new ways and use techniques that can improve functioning in the stress-management and problem-solving parts of your brain.

Just like going to physical therapy after an injury can teach you exercises that can restore physical functioning, psychotherapy teaches you mental exercises that can restore functioning to the stress-management and problem-solving areas of the brain that have been affected by anxiety.  In a very real sense, psychotherapy may be thought of as physical therapy for the brain.

There are many types of psychotherapy, but research has identified two types of therapy that are most effective in helping your brain recover from the wear and tear of anxiety; Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based Therapy (also known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps you identify the unhealthy thinking patterns that make your brain work harder than it has to when faced with problems and stress.  The therapist will also recommend changes in the way you act in stressful situations (and around stressful people) so that your brain can bounce back from these situations quickly and efficiently.  Research shows that learning these mental and behavioral techniques may help both heal the damage stress has done to your brain and make your more stress-resistant in the future.

A second research-based therapy for anxiety disorders that is called Mindfulness-Based Therapy—MBT  (or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy–ACT).  Unlike Cognitive Behavior Therapy which teaches you techniques to take control of the anxiety and reduce it, MBT/ACT teaches you techniques that enable you to, essentially, step outside of the anxiety and consciously redirect your emotional energy into productive activities.  Where CBT is like boxing, in that it tries to confront and defeat anxious thoughts, ACT is more like Judo, which uses anxiety’s energy against itself, causing it to evaporate.  Both types of therapy have much clinical and brain-based research supporting their effectiveness at both decreasing anxiety and changing the way the brain processes stress.

Whichever type of therapy is best for you, psychotherapy is much more than “just talking” with someone about your problems.  It is a highly sophisticated process facilitated by a licensed professional that acts, in a sense, as physical therapy for the brain, restoring the brain’s ability to manage-stress, problem-solve, create emotional balance and a community of supportive relationships.

Medication    

In addition to psychotherapy, medication is another common way of responding to anxiety disorders.  In fact, most studies indicate that medication combined with psychotherapy is the most effective treatment.   You should think of anxiety medication in a similar way as you might think about medication for high blood pressure. Medication can control high blood pressure, but in most cases, only lifestyle changes can cure it.  In the same way, medication for anxiety disorders can control depressive symptoms, but in most cases, if not all, a person will also need to make lifestyle changes to heal from anxiety and keep it away.    There are several different types of medication for anxiety disorders including,  Anti-Anxieties (Benzodiazepines and Buspirone), and Anti-Depressants (SSRI’S and SNRI’s).

Anti-Anxiety Drugs come in two basic varieties; Benzodiazepines and Buspirone.  Benzodiazepines are fast-acting drugs (about 30 min from ingestion to effect) that boost the effectiveness of the body’s calm-down chemical, GABA.  Benzodiazepines supercharge GABA’s ability to soothe the irritated amygdala (sort of like applying numbing cream to that metaphorical chemical burn we discussed earlier).    The downside is that these drugs have side-effects that include tiredness, fuzzy thinking, dizziness, slurred speech and other similar problems.  You shouldn’t drive a car or operate machinery while on them. They can be habit forming.

By contrast, Buspirone, functions as a slower-acting anti-anxiety drug.  It is thought to work by decreasing the amount of brain-agitating chemicals produced under stress.  It can be about 2 weeks before the person taking Buspirone begins to feel better, and though it does have side effects like nausea, dry mouth, and dizziness,  it does not cause drowsiness or impaired thinking.  There is much less of a risk of dependency or withdrawal symptoms than with benzodiazepines.

Some Anti-Depressants are also used treat anxiety disorders, but it can take 4-6 weeks before the patient will notice any change.  These drugs (SSRI’s and SNRI’s like Paxil, Celexa, and Lexapro) are thought to work by boosting the level of the body’s stress-management and feel-good chemicals.  These drugs are not habit forming, but there can be serious withdrawal symptoms for people who quit cold-turkey.  Never stop taking any medication without consulting with your physician.

If you are struggling with anxiety, it is important to talk to a mental health professional to evaluate all your treatment options and design the best course of treatment for you.

Can prayer and the sacraments help?

                Taking advantage of psychotherapy or medication does not mean that a person should neglect spiritual remedies.  Our rich spiritual tradition as Catholics can be a great source of both comfort and healing.  Don’t ever hesitate to ask for the intercession of pastors and other mature Christians.  Dive into scripture, drawing encouragement from those versus that remind us of God’s providence and constant care (e.g., Mt 6:31-32; Phil 4:6-7; Phi 4:19, etc.).

Another source of great strength and healing are the Sacraments of Healing; Confession and Anointing of the Sick.  Some people might be surprised by the encouragement to us confession.  After all, anxiety is not a sin, nor are anxious people sinning by being anxious!  But when we are anxious it is easy to give into things that are sins such as bad habits related to self-comforting, lashing out at others, or becoming too self-focused.  As we receive the grace of confession to overcome anxiety’s negative influence in our lives and relationships, we can feel stronger and more confident in our ability to cooperate with God’s grace and achieve healing of body, mind and spirit.

Second, although anxiety disorders are an illness, most people don’t think of taking advantage of Anointing of the Sick to assist them in the healing process.  Receiving this sacrament as a person struggling with an anxiety disorder is an important way to encounter God’s healing grace in action.  A person may receive Anointing of the Sick as often as he or she feels the need for it.  Through all the sacraments, we encounter the saving and healing actions of Christ.  Let our Lord be a partner in your recovery.

Can’t I Just Talk to My Priest?

It is always good when a person suffering with anxiety receives support from his or her pastor, but people should never confuse talking with their priest with psychotherapy.  Both can be helpful, but they are not the same.  Remember, psychotherapy is, in essence, physical therapy for the brain.  Unless your pastor has been trained in those techniques that actually change the way your brain functions under stress, then you are not getting therapy by talking to your priest about your anxiety any more than you would be taking medicine by talking to your pastor about your flu.  Anxiety disorder sufferers should avail themselves of all the remedies available–including the spiritual remedies–but he or she should always be sure to speak to a mental health professional for treatment.

Who should I turn to? (What professionals do what?)

Many professionals treat anxiety, including General Practitioners, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Clinical Social Workers, and Mental Health Counselors.  People are often confused about who can help best with their anxiety.  The following can help you decide where to start.

General Practitioners—General Practioners/Family Doctors are often the first responders to anxiety disorders. While your family doctor can be a first stop on your road to recovery, he or she should not usually be the person primarily responsible for treating your anxiety because they simply don’t have all the tools and training necessary to offer you the fullest array of treatment options.

Psychiatrists are medical doctors who use medication almost exclusively to treat mental health problems.  Psychiatrists, as a general rule do not do psychotherapy, nor do most have training in psychotherapy but they do refer patients to therapists.  After an initial consultation, most appointments with a psychiatrist consist of monthly medication checks to assess the effectiveness of what’s been prescribed and make any necessary adjustments to prescriptions.

Psychologists are Ph.D-level clinicians with state licenses to offer counseling and psychotherapy.  Generally speaking, they do not prescribe refer to physicians when medication is necessary.  While many other professionals provide psychotherapy to clients, psychologists are particularly known for their training in psychological testing and evaluation.

Clinical Social Workers, Mental Health Counselors, Marriage &Family Therapists—May be either Ph.D. or master’s level clinicians with state licenses to offer counseling and psychotherapy.  They do not prescribe medication but will refer to physicians if medication is necessary.  Each of these professionals may have slightly different specializations but for the most part, all are qualified to treat anxiety and related disorders.

Should I seek Christian Counseling?

Many Catholics wonder if they should seek Christian counseling/counselors for help.  The answer is, “it depends.”

While research shows that clients are generally more satisfied and treatment progresses more rapidly when the mental health professional and client share values, clients should be aware that many “Christian counselors” have no training or license to do psychotherapy, but merely give “biblically-based” advice of one sort or another.  In fact, many so-called Christian Counselors are hostile to psychotherapy and psychology in general.

That said, Pastoral Counselors are a type of Christian counselor who are licensed professionals and, in additional to their clinical training, have degrees or other specialized training in theology.  Ideally, a Catholic person suffering with anxiety might benefit most from counseling with a Catholic Pastoral Counselor, a licensed mental health professional who was also trained in Catholic theology/spirituality, but these can be difficult to find. (see Resources for options).

The bottom line is, when seeking treatment for anxiety, identify  the most competent professionals you can find.  From that short list, choose the one you believe will be most supportive of your faith and values.

Peace Be with You!

If you or something you love is dealing with an anxiety disorder, get help today.  God has great plans for your life. Bl. Pope John Paul II was fond of reminding us to “become what you are.”  You are God’s child.  You are loved.  You are precious in his eyes.  Don’t let anything, not even your own feelings, stand in the way of experiencing how much God cherishes you and wants to bless you with his healing, peace, and all the qualities that enable you to live life as a gift.

Resources

Books:

God Help Me!  This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!—Dr. Gregory Popcak offers practical techniques and insights from our Catholic faith for dealing more effectively with stress and the emotional struggles that result.

When Panic Attacks (David Burns)—A secular book that represents the gold standard for treating anxiety.  Extremely practical & research-based.  A great complement to treatment.

 

Counseling Resources:

CatholicTherapists.com—A national referral source for therapists whose values are consistent with the Catholic faith.

The Pastoral Solutions Institute  (www.CatholicCounselors.com ) –An organization dedicated to providing Catholic-integrated psychotherapy services to Catholics around the world via the telephone.  All pastoral counselors are licensed therapists with additional training in Catholic theology/spirituality.  Call for information 740-266-6461 (Disclosure:  Author is the clinical director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute.)

 

Dr. Gregory Popcak, author of over a dozen books integrating Catholic spirituality and psychology is the Executive Director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization dedicated to helping Catholics find faith-filled answers to life’s difficult questions.

Coming Wed on More2Life: Be Not Afraid.

Coming Wed on More2Life–Be Not Afraid: Scripture reminds us that Christians have no need to fear, and Pope John Paul II often reminded us of the bible’s exhortation to, “Be not afraid.”  Despite all this, it is easy, when difficulties strike, to give into fear.

Today on M2L, we’ll look at fear and anxiety; where it comes from and how we can conquer it.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about overcoming the fears and anxieties that make life more difficult.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!),
~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net
~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

Coming Wed on More2Life: Hope for Our Children

Coming Wed on More2Life Radio:  Hope for Our Children–We all have a vision of what we want for our children.  We all have hopes and dreams for them, and while our children will have to make their own choices, our hopes for them represent the gifts we want to prepare them to receive from God.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1pm Eastern (11am-Noon Central) to share your hopes for your children and discuss ways to make those dreams a reality in their lives.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!

~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!)

~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net

~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

Coming Tues 5/7 on More2Life Radio: SERENITY NOW! The Quest for Peace.

COMING TUES ON More2Life–SERENITY NOW!  We all want peace in our hearts and in our relationships.  But peace is hard to find and we often settle for quiet.  There’s an important difference between the two, however, and mere quiet can never satisfy our hunger for true peace.

 

Today on More2Life we’ll look at the quest for peace.   We’ll explore what peace really is and what it takes to create it in our hearts and in our lives.

 

M2L FB Q of the D:  Where would you like to have more peace in your life and what is keeping it from you?

Call in from Noon-1pm Eastern (11am-Noon C) at 877-573-7825 with your questions about creating a more peaceful life.

 

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!),
~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net
~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)