Instead of Settling, Become Who You Are

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“That’s just not me.” How many times have you said—or thought—that phrase?

We humans have a natural tendency to define ourselves by our limitations. We create identity statements that box us in: “I’m just not an affectionate person,” “I don’t like praying out loud in a group,” or “I’m not comfortable with emotional vulnerability.”

We all have limits, preferences, and patterns we fall back on. Maybe you’ve even named your particular set of strengths and weaknesses with the help of a personality inventory.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak explained in a recent episode of the CatholicHOM podcast, these identity statements are only a starting point, not our final destination. They are helpful to the extent that they point us in the direction of growth.

And that means stepping out of the comfort of our self-defined identity to become the people God calls us to be.

‘Become Who You Are’

“Become who you are.” This simple four-word exhortation of St. John Paul II may seem cryptic at first. How do we “become” who we “are”? A seed might “become” a tree, but a tree doesn’t “become” a tree, after all. But, Dr. Popcak says, St. John Paul II is hinting at a deeper reality.

Whatever we may think of ourselves right now, we are called to become saints—that is, people fully caught up in the love of the Holy Trinity.

“The fact is, we already are those (saints) that we’re trying to become. Theologians like to talk about God as the ‘ground of our being,’” Dr. Popcak explains. “What that phrase means is that the closer we draw to God, the more we become who we really are, because the saints that we are destined to be already exist in God. And the more we draw closer to him, the more that true self, who we really are, is revealed.”

So, while personality inventories or self-reflection might help us understand our identity right now, we are called to move beyond our present selves to claim our true identity, which is already present in God’s heart.

“Our job is to stop settling for what we see when we look in the mirror and instead lean into the person God sees when he looks at us, because that’s who we really are,” Dr. Popcak says.

Everyday Opportunities for Growth

Many of our self-defined limitations stem from past experiences, the Popcaks suggest, often rooted in spiritual or emotional injury. These don’t have to be major traumas—they might be as simple as how we were raised, experiences in school, or even a lack of certain experiences that makes something feel foreign or “not me.”

When we recognize that our limitations often come from wounds or gaps rather than our true nature, we can approach them with greater compassion and curiosity. Instead of defending them as immutable aspects of our identity, we can ask: “What might be possible if I were willing to grow beyond this boundary?”

It is our closest relationships—with spouses, children, siblings, friends—that often present the most powerful invitations to grow beyond our limits, the Popcaks say.

God put these people in our lives, Lisa Popcak says, and it is by responding to their needs that we grow into our true identity. “It is about everything in the household, all of the people trying their best to meet the needs of the other, even when it causes us to stretch and grow,” she says.

She points to the example of St. Joseph, a godly man who listened to God even in his sleep and responded with courage to the needs of the people entrusted to his care. We might not be called to marry an already-pregnant woman, raise the Son of God, or flee to another country to protect our family. But like Joseph, responding to the needs of the people in our life with generosity and good cheer may take us well outside our comfort zone. It might mean being more physically affectionate (even though we weren’t raised that way), drawing healthy boundaries instead of giving in to a friend’s self-destructive behavior, or spending less time at work to spend more time with our family. It might mean trying a support group despite our deep discomfort or working hard to curb our habit of starting the day with a negative attitude. The possibilities are boundless!

It’s a Mutual Thing

The concept of mutuality plays an important role here, the Popcaks say. Within a family, for instance, each person is called to give their whole selves to the others, but at the same time, the other members of the family are called to give their whole selves to that person.

While “mutual self-donation” is the goal, the Popcaks are careful to distinguish between healthy growth and unhealthy accommodation. They offer two important qualifiers.

First, this approach doesn’t apply to requests that are immoral or demeaning. Authentic growth never requires compromising your values or dignity.

And second, responding to others’ needs doesn’t mean abandoning your own. The goal is mutual thriving, not one-sided sacrifice. The key is distinguishing between needs (what enables a person to thrive) and wants (preferences about how and when those needs are met). While we should be open to meeting others’ legitimate needs, we can negotiate the specifics in ways that respect our own needs too.

A Balanced Approach

In the end, becoming who we are isn’t about denying our present limitations; rather, we can acknowledge our current limitations while also being open to growth.

Let’s say, for instance, that your spouse asks whether you could curb your habit of sighing and rolling your eyes when family needs call you away from your favorite pastime. Lisa Popcak suggests that it is perfectly appropriate to say, “That doesn’t come naturally to me, and it will be challenging. I’ll need your patience. But because I love you and want to be the person I’m called to be, I’m going to work on stretching in that way.”

This approach acknowledges both your current limitations and your commitment to growth beyond them. It invites partnership in the process rather than pretending change is easy or instantaneous.

Becoming the saints we were created to be is not about trying harder on our own but growing in relationship. “God wants us to learn to love each other more than we love our comfort zones,” Greg says.

And in that stretching, in that mutual gift of self, we discover the people we were meant to be all along.

You can hear the entire podcast episode (Episode 83, “Become Who You Are”) exclusively on the CatholicHOM app, where you can also discuss family life issues with trained pastoral counselors. And for more individualized help with personal growth, reach out to a pastoral counselor at catholiccounselors.com.

Burned Out for Christ? Re-order Your Priorities

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Most parishes are blessed with a handful of super-volunteers—the dependable, energetic folks who are the first to say yes when there’s a committee to lead or a project to complete. Parish staff know they can count on them. Fellow parishioners admire them. Their dedication seems unstoppable.

And yet, all that good work can have a dark side, says Dr. Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. All too often, people let their ministry work crowd out other activities that ought to be a higher priority, like connecting with a spouse or taking care of themselves.

And when that happens, trouble often ensues.

Disordered Priorities

The impulse to overload our schedules with ministry and volunteer work is often motivated by a sincere desire to serve God, Kolodziej says.

While that desire to serve God is good in itself, Kolodziej says, where things get off track is when people begin thinking that such work as the most important way they serve God. Their mindset can be: If I’m not doing something for the parish (or another ministry) all the time, I must be failing God.

This mindset can lead to misplaced priorities, where the most important relationships in our lives—our spouse, children, even our relationship with God—start taking a back seat to less essential obligations. Spiritually, it can also result in scrupulosity, or the mistaken idea that we can somehow earn God’s love through our own hard work and sacrifice.

“A lot of people will join various ministries—they’re going to this meeting, they’re going to that meeting, they’re doing this and all kinds of stuff,” Kolodziej says. “And I’ll say (to clients), ‘So all of this ministry work that you’re doing is against what God wants you to do, not that he doesn’t want you to do it, but he wants you to keep your priorities straight.”

For married people, this usually means prioritizing God first, then your spouse, then your kids, then everything else—including volunteer ministry work, he says. This order of priority is inherent to the vocation of marriage; single people will have a different list of priorities, of course.

“The priority that you signed up for when you got married was your family,” he says. “You give your family your first and your best. That is doing what God wants you to do. So if you shirk that responsibility by working in church ministry or anything else—if you’re a workaholic or whatever—you’re shirking what you signed up for that you said you’re going to do.”

Another way Kolodziej sees this tendency toward disordered priorities show up in family dynamics is when children become the center of their parents’ attention, to the detriment of the marriage.

“A lot of people are saying, ‘I’m doing this for the children,’” he says. Parents will say that their kids need their time and attention.

“They do need that, but that’s not the most important thing,” he says. “The most important thing for the children, other than formation in God, is the relationship between mom and dad. That is more important to the child than (the parents) spending time with them. They want to know that mom and dad aren’t going anywhere, that mom and dad love each other.”

The health and stability of the marriage provide the foundation for everything else that goes on in the family, Kolodziej says. “And oftentimes when we have children, we forget about our spouse. Our spouse takes second place, and that is disordered.”

God Wants You to Take Care of Yourself

Another sneaky way priorities get disordered under the guise of “serving God” is when we get so busy taking care of other people, we don’t ever stop to take time for ourselves.

Kolodziej shares the example of a woman who juggled a full-time job, caregiving for elderly parents, and the demands of running a household. She was exhausted and overwhelmed but felt guilty taking time for herself. In her mind, God was calling her to practice ascetic self-sacrifice by putting others’ needs before her own. The problem was, her own needs never got met.

When Kolodziej challenged her to consider how her loved ones were experiencing her burnout, it clicked.

“You’re so burnt out that all you’re giving all these people is a shell, a pulse,” he told her. “You’re not able to do the creative, joyful, life-giving things your family needs. You need self-care in order to be able to then give other people the talents that God has given you.”

Self-care might include quiet prayer, exercise, rest, hobbies, or simply enjoying the beauty of nature. These are not indulgences; they are ways of filling the tank so you can serve others from a place of joy, not depletion.

How to Rebalance Your Priorities

Kolodziej has a few practical tips to help people get back on track with their priorities.

  1.     Learn to say “no.” It can be hard to turn down Father or church staff, but Kolodziej suggests remembering that every “yes” is a “no” to something else. Make sure that you’re saying yes to your heavenly Father before you say yes to the Father at your parish.
  2.     Learn to let go. Sometimes the difficulty isn’t saying “no” to the parish, but saying “no” to ourselves. As much as we’d like to have our hand in everything, we need to let go of the things that are less important and prioritize our time and energy for our main vocation.
  3.     Ask for help. If you’re so busy with the most basic demands of life that you don’t have time for volunteering, then it might be time to ask for help. This might involve asking your workplace for some flexibility, seeking outside help from a social service agency or your church, or asking other members of your family to pitch in more.

The bottom line: If you make sure your priorities line up with God’s priorities, a lot of other things will click into place.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities—or unsure of how to re-balance your life in a healthier, more God-centered way—you don’t have to figure it out alone. A pastoral counselor can walk with you as you discern where to let go, where to say no, and how to embrace the joy God wants to give you. Reach out to a professional pastoral counselor who shares your faith at CatholicCounselors.com.

Reconnecting with God After Loss Shakes Your Faith

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Terry had been married to his wife for fifty-two years when she passed away, leaving him feeling hollow, empty, and spiritually disconnected.

“I just don’t feel the presence of my faith,” he said during an episode of More to Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. Although he didn’t blame God for his loss, he struggled deeply with the silence and emptiness. “I feel dead inside,” he told the Popcaks.

Terry’s experience isn’t unique. In fact, the Popcaks say it is normal to feel dead and disconnected from God in the wake of profound loss.

“The natural human response to suffering and grief is just to dig a hole and lie down in it and to wish we would never come back up again,” Dr. Popcak said.

But the good news is that as much as we might feel abandoned by God, in reality, he accompanies us in our pain. Here are five tips for how to reconnect with God in the midst of profound grief.

1. Listen for Whispers of Hope

Intense grief changes the way we view the world, and even the way we interact with others—including God. The pain of loss can make it difficult to “tune in” to God’s presence the way we used to.

Often, though, we can still find God in the occasional “whispers of hope” that break through the fog of pain.

“If there’s any part of you that says there’s something more, and I should want that,” Dr. Popcak said. “If there’s any part of you that thinks there could be an end to the suffering in some good way, then that’s God speaking to you and walking with you through this.”

Look for those glimmers of hope and lean into them, the Popcaks advised.

2. Keep Praying and Practicing

One of the most important things you can do is to continue praying to God and practicing your faith, even when it feels like “eating sawdust,” as Dr. Popcak put it. Continuing your usual spiritual habits will keep you connected to God and the Church, allowing you to experience the grace that you need to get through this time.

Keep talking to God, too. Anytime you are struggling with faith, approach God honestly and authentically, sharing your doubts, frustrations, and heartache openly. God desires your genuine emotions and will meet you there, the Popcaks said.

Dr. Popcak offered Terry an example of what that looks like: “Say, ‘Lord, I’m in so much pain, I can’t feel anything but grief and loss and despair. But the fact that I know that there’s something more, the fact that I somehow got out of bed this morning, the fact that somehow I think that you’re still there, even if I can’t feel you—I thank you for that, and I love you. Please hold me close and guide me step by step through this.”

3. Seek Faithful Support

Even the greatest of the saints surrounded themselves with people who could lift them up, just like Mary went to Elizabeth. 

“God really wants for us to walk with a companion along the way,” Lisa Popcak said. “We need people to help us in our spiritual walk, to get some questions answered, to get extra prayer support when we feel too weak to pray, and we are unsure of ourselves.”

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says, God chose to save us not as individuals, but as the People of God. In his plan, each of us helps the others along the way—especially in times of darkness, suffering, and doubt.

4. Stay Connected to Your Loved One

“Grief is not the process of letting go,” Dr. Popcak told Terry. “It’s the process of finding ways to stay connected to the person that we’ve lost.”

As Catholics, we believe that death does not sever our relationship with our loved ones, even if it changes that relationship. As Lisa Popcak pointed out, our loved ones are part of the communion of saints, which means that they can intercede with God for us.

“She is alive in Christ,” Lisa told Terry. “Talk to her as you would when she was in your kitchen and walking around the house with you and doing things with you: ‘Honey, this is awful, and I’m not feeling close to God…. I need you to be praying for me. I need you to help me see God in things.’”

As you grieve, find other tangible ways to stay connected to your loved one. What did your loved one mean to you? What did she or he bring into your life? What blessings did they bring you? Name those and find ways to hold onto them.

Shaken Faith Invites Us to Deeper Faith

Experiencing shaken faith in the wake of profound loss is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but an invitation to a deeper, richer relationship with God—one big enough to encompass the “crosses” that come to us in life.

“Having struggles in your faith does not show weakness,” Lisa Popcak said. “It’s part of growth and development in our lives….

“When we struggle—when we’re scared, when we’re angry, when we’re experiencing doubt in any way: in God, in the Church, in who we are in that relationship, in his love for us—it’s something that even the greatest of saints have gone through, and yet come out the other side, because they held on to God as they walked that path of questioning.”

For additional support in navigating grief and reconnecting with your faith, you can always reach out to the team of professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

How to Help Your Kids Build a Joyful, Lifelong Prayer Life

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If you want to raise kids who practice their faith as adults, teaching them how to pray has to be a priority. But how kids learn to pray makes a big difference, according to Lisa Popcak, co-founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and host of the Momfidence podcast.

Often, parents and other caregivers teach kids to memorize formal prayers (the “Our Father,” “Memorare,” and so on) and maybe encourage them to offer prayers of thanks and petition at bedtime. That’s a great beginning, Popcak says in a recent episode of the podcast. But if kids are going to develop a deeply rooted, vibrant prayer life that lasts and matures into adulthood, then we need to help them go deeper.

“It’s wonderful and powerful to have those formal prayers,” Popcak says. “However, we need to anchor those formal prayers that we’re trying to teach our children in relationship with the One to whom we are praying.”

After all, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches, prayer is “the living relationship of the children of God with their Father who is good beyond measure, with his Son Jesus Christ and with the Holy Spirit” (CCC 2565).

Without that foundation of relationship, Popcak cautions, you might unintentionally be teaching recitation rather than real prayer. “We want those prayers to be deeply felt in our children’s hearts,” she says. “We want those prayers to be something that they go back to throughout their lives, to go deeper with God, to get to know him better…particularly as they leave our home and we are no longer in charge of making sure they pray every single day.”

3 Baby Steps Toward a Richer Prayer Life for Your Kids

Helping your children build a personal relationship with God might feel like a huge undertaking, but it really doesn’t need to be, Popcak says. It starts, she suggests, with simply helping your children know, through your own habits, that God is always present and loves them dearly. Let them see that God wants to be part of all the moments, big and small. This isn’t about adding complicated rituals; it’s about noticing the opportunities for connection that are already there.

“We don’t have to hold it all in until bedtime prayer or until Mass,” Popcak points out. Instead, teach kids to connect with God in the moment, then “round up” those moments with a regular time for shared prayer later in the day.

Here are some simple “baby steps” toward that goal.

Voice Gratitude Together

When something good happens — maybe your child aced a test they were nervous about, or you simply enjoy a beautiful sunny afternoon — take a second to thank God out loud. It can be as simple as, “Lord, we had so much fun running through the sprinkler this afternoon; thank you for this blessing!” Or: “Lord, we are so grateful that John did well on his geometry test today. Thanks for helping him work through those tough problems!”

When you model gratitude, you invite your children to recognize and appreciate blessings, too.

Praying Through Tough Times

 Life has its bumps and scrapes, both literal and figurative. When your toddler falls and gets hurt, it feels like the end of the world to them. Lisa suggests using that moment as an opportunity to make a God connection: cuddle them close and whisper a quick prayer: “Lord Jesus, please just help my baby feel better. Heal this boo-boo quickly….”

This simple act connects your child’s hurt with God’s comfort and provides a template for other tough times they will inevitably encounter later on in life: anxieties about school, relationship problems, disappointments, loss, and so on.

Moments Made for Praise

If prayer is, at heart, a living, dynamic relationship between your child and God, then it makes sense that it would go beyond petitions for help or words of thanks.

“Sometimes we can just take a moment and thank God for being God,” Popcak suggests. “‘Thank you, Lord, that you are God, that you love us, that you did all this for us.’ Just out of nowhere, because the feeling overcame you.”

Round Up the Day with Family Prayer

These baby steps are super simple, but powerful, too, because they help kids link their daily life experience to God right in the moment. Bringing God into the messy mix of everyday life helps kids develop a more active, dynamic relationship with the One who loves them.

Popcak also suggests finding at least one regular time each day for your family to connect with God together, creating a predictable anchor point for shared prayer and reflection. Make it work for your schedule: Maybe it’s nighttime prayer before everyone settles down for bed, or maybe it’s a brief moment of connection in the morning before the day’s rush begins, or it could be incorporating sharing and prayer around the dinner table.

“Whatever works as a routine for your family, it’s good to bring the whole family together” for prayer, she advises. If you have been taking time throughout the day to acknowledge God’s presence, this family prayer time is a great way to consolidate those prayers.

You can even wrap up with a formal prayer that you are all learning together.

Bringing Prayer to Life

So, relationship is what transforms prayer from rote words into a vibrant conversation. When formal prayers are learned within the context of a lived, daily connection with God — nurtured through these simple baby steps and shared routines — they take on a richness and meaning that grows with your child. Without that personal connection, prayer risks becoming just “talking at God instead of with God.”

A deeper, more meaningful prayer life for your family doesn’t require a grand plan. Just start small: notice the everyday moments, talk to God naturally, and invite your children into the conversation.

“It’s a lot easier than you think it is,” Popcak says. “Just give it a try and let God build the way for you.”

For more parenting tips from Lisa Popcak, check out the Momfidence podcast on the CatholicHOM app or any of your favorite podcast hosts, or check out Discovering God Together: The Catholic Guide to Raising Faithful Kids at CatholicCounselors.com. You can also get personalized parenting support from Lisa Popcak directly on CatholicHOM.

Hope: It Might Not Mean What You Think It Does

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by Dr. Greg Popcak – CatholicCounselors.com

“The Jubilee invites us to renew the gift of hope within us, to surrender our sufferings and our concerns to hope, to share it with those whom we meet along our journey and to entrust to hope the future of our lives and the destiny of the human family.”  -Pope Francis’ Easter Message, 2025

As I reflect on the final public words of Pope Francis, I’m struck by his encouragement to hope, and I wanted to take a moment to unpack what it means—especially when we’re dealing with a difficult situation in our marriage, family, or personal life.

Many Christians think that, “surrendering our sufferings and concerns to hope” means that the “Christian way” of dealing with problems is to try not to get upset about things while we hold on to some vague sense that it will probably all work out—somehow.

But that isn’t what hope asks at all. In his document, Saved in Hope (Spe Salvi) Pope Benedict asserted that hope is not a wishful feeling, but rather the conviction that God is working in us, with us, and through us to make something beautiful out of the ugliness we are currently experiencing.

To “surrender our sufferings and concerns to hope” means bringing our concerns to God every day and praying, “Show me how you want to work through me in this situation to display your power and majesty. Teach me how to cooperate with your plan to make something objectively beautiful and amazing out of the pain that I’m in and the struggle that I am facing.  I don’t really know how to even get through this on my own power, but I know that with you all things are possible.  Help me to see what you want to make of this, and show me what to do next.”

Do you see the difference?  God doesn’t want passive, wishful thinkers. God needs warriors who recognize that life is filled with painful experiences, but that He has given us the privilege and grace to make something amazing out of those experiences.

To surrender our sufferings and concerns to hope is not to sit on our hands and wistfully wait for God to do…something. It is to stare at the oncoming Egyptian horde and part the Red Sea. It is to march around the city of Jericho and tear down the walls. It is to embrace the cross and rise from the dead.

What are you suffering? What concerns do you have? What challenges are you facing that are wearing you down, burning you out, or making you want to just settle?

Bring those things to God today. Ask him to show you how he wants to work through you to demonstrate to everyone around you the power he has to make something beautiful, awe-inspiring, and fulfilling out of the hand the devil dealt you.

Then you will be living Pope Francis’ final words and seeing the promise those words point to.

How To Grow Closer to God This Lent

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In my time as a pastoral counselor (and my lifetime of being Catholic) I’ve heard a lot of mixed feelings and views about Lent, and how to approach our Lenten practices. More often than not, however, I hear of a belief that Lent is a time where we simply give things up or “suffer“ enough that we somehow will heal our relationship with God and grow closer to Him. This stems from the idea that “if I was just holy enough I wouldn’t have the struggles that I do.” But more often than not, this approach leads to a feeling of fear, guilt, or anxiety, because it comes with the notion that we have to earn God’s love or that God has the intention of punishing us.

To reframe our view of Lent and what it’s meant to be, I think it’s important that we first define the difference between “suffering” and “redemptive suffering.” Suffering occurs when we undergo pain, distress, or hardship. That’s it, that’s where it ends. Redemptive suffering, however, occurs when we endure something difficult for the sake of a greater good, it is a suffering that leads to a greater healing, and works for the good of ourselves and others.

God never intends or desires for us to suffer for the sake of suffering. Jesus modeled this by enduring the greatest suffering for us to work for our good and to redeem us. Jesus’ suffering, while great, was redemptive. And he suffered in that great way so that we didn’t have to!

If we keep this perspective in mind, we can see that Lent is not simply about suffering, it’s about growing. Growing in our strengths and virtues, growing in becoming more of who God created us to be, growing in our relationships on earth, and growing in our relationship with God. This can mean giving something up, or it can mean working on something. Having difficult conversations we’ve been putting off; changing the way we talk to ourselves so that it aligns with who God created us to be rather than demeaning ourselves;  learning to set healthy boundaries with others, because allowing people to treat us badly doesn’t work for our good or theirs; and so much more. Lenten practices are about what good we are working towards, not just giving something up for the sake of suffering.

Another important reminder for us, is that when Jesus went through that tremendous redemptive suffering for us, he did not do so alone. He was not isolated and carrying his cross alone. He allowed Simon to help him carry his cross, others were there at the foot of the cross. He was not alone. And He does not want us to be alone in our suffering. He modeled to us many times the importance of asking for help. Asking God for help, asking for help from the people around us, or seeking help when it is not immediately around us. We are not alone, and often, it takes a lot of courage to ask for help. So this in and of itself could be a Lenten practice—growing in the ability to seek support and accept help when needed.

Whatever you choose to focus on this Lent, remember that God desires a relationship with you. He loves you. He does not want you to suffer for the sake of suffering, he wants you to grow closer to Him and He wants you to allow Him into your life so that He can be closer to you. Focus on growth this Lent, and remember that whatever you choose to do is intended to work for the good of yourself and others.