Angry at God Over a Painful Loss? Don’t Walk Away; Let Him Know All About It

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For a month and a half, Walt watched his wife suffer through her final illness. A former Marine, he had always been the protector, and now he could only stand by.

“Vietnam was like a cakewalk compared to what I went through,” he told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak when he called in to their More2Life radio show. When she died, his faith collapsed. “If there is a God — I hope there is, because I just want to go up there and settle this situation, him letting my wife suffer the way that he did.”

Walt’s anger was both natural and not an uncommon response to an unjust, painful loss like his. For many Christians, though, getting angry at God seems transgressive, even sinful — something to stuff or “get over,” at best.

But as the Popcaks explained, getting angry at God isn’t “out of line” at all. In fact, expressing that anger in a frank, matter-of-fact way is actually a hallmark of a healthy relationship with God — and a good start toward the long process of healing in the wake of a painful loss.

The Kind of Relationship God Actually Wants

“You said you hope there is a God because you’d like to go up there and settle this man to man,” Dr. Popcak told Walt. “And I think that’s great, actually. That’s exactly what God wants you to do.

“I want you to say all the horrible things that you might think you’re not allowed to say to God,” Dr. Popcak said. “And keep fighting with him every day until he gives you the answers that you’re looking for, because he will.”

Why is expressing that rage and anger the right thing to do? Well, for one thing, it honestly acknowledges that things aren’t as they should be.

For another, sharing your anger with God maintains an open, honest relationship.

And finally, bringing your wounded heart to God allows him to heal it.

We’re Behind Enemy Lines

When Walt raged against a God who would let his wife suffer, Dr. Popcak didn’t defend the suffering as part of some hidden plan. In fact, the world where a good woman dies in agony is not the world God made.

As Dr. Popcak put it, “As Christians, we live behind enemy lines.” That is to say, we live in a world that God made very good, but it is also a world damaged by sin. Suffering is a sign that something has gone very wrong, and Walt’s anger acknowledges that deep truth. The ache we feel in grief, the Popcaks say, is “an ancient memory that this is not how things were supposed to be.”

Honesty Keeps the Door Open

The real danger in grief isn’t anger; it’s shutting down.

“The only way that you will get stuck in this pain is if you don’t be honest with God, if you say, ‘That’s it, I’m done,’” Lisa told Walt. “But if you tell him how angry you are, if you tell him how scared you are, if you tell him how lonely and hurt you are, and keep allowing him to hear that from you, you’re allowing that door to stay open to him being able to heal you.”

This stance is backed up by Scripture and the tradition of the Church. Jacob famously wrestled with God, Dr. Popcak pointed out: “That’s how God proved that he was God. I think God might be calling you to do that, too.”

Pope St. John Paul II and other church leaders have pointed to the psalms as a template for expressing the full range of human emotions to God in prayer. The psalms, the pope said, express “joy, gratitude, thanksgiving, love, tenderness, enthusiasm, but also intense suffering, complaint, pleas for help and for justice, which sometimes lead to anger and imprecation.” In fact, about a third of the psalms express lament, complaint, and anger.

The saints contended with the fierce anger that Walt felt, too. St. Jane Frances de Chantal, after her husband was shot in a hunting accident, bargained desperately with God to let him live. That didn’t happen, and it took years under the spiritual guidance of her mentor, St. Francis de Sales, before she reached peace and forgiveness. She didn’t get there by turning away from God, but by turning toward God through honest, persistent prayer.

Healing Doesn’t Mean ‘Letting Go’; It Means Staying Connected

Keeping your relationship with God open is key to letting him heal your hurt, Lisa told Walt. She offered an analogy to the way a loving parent responds to a toddler who is really upset. That loving parent picks the child up and holds them close, but that can’t happen if the toddler runs away and hides.

And for Christians, keeping that relationship with God strong is a way to stay connected with loved ones who have died. As the Popcaks explained, grieving well doesn’t mean “moving on” and getting back to “normal.” Instead, grief calls Christians to find new, healthy ways to stay connected to the people we’ve lost.

“Death changes our relationship with our loved ones, but it doesn’t end it,” Dr. Popcak said.

“You can still talk to her,” Lisa told Walt. “Talk to her and say, ’Honey, I’m losing it down here. I’m so angry at God. I’m so frustrated that you went through what you went through. I miss you so much. Pray for me that I can get through this with God.’”

Grief calls us to cooperate with God “to bring good out of evil, to bring healing out of suffering, to bring meaning out of meaninglessness,” Dr. Popcak said.

Four Things to Do When You’re Grieving a Painful Loss

If you’re grieving and furious, here are a few things the Popcaks would have you try.

  1. Tell God the truth, all of it. Don’t edit your prayers down to what’s acceptable. Say the angry thing, the accusing thing, the frightened thing: Lord, I don’t understand why you let this happen, and I’m furious. Keep saying it until you sense him answering.
  2. Refuse to go silent. The temptation in deep pain is to close the door and handle it alone, and that’s the one move that keeps you stuck.
  3. Stay connected to the person you lost. Talk to your loved one. Ask them to pray for you. Keep a tradition alive, or live out something they taught you.
  4. Ask what God wants to bring out of this. Not “why did this happen,” but “what do you want to teach me, and how do you want me to respond?” Meaning is what grief most often lacks, and it’s what God is most willing to supply.

Committing to the Fight

None of this advice diminishes the pain, the Popcaks acknowledge. What they promise is that fighting the enemy alongside God is worth it.

“If you commit to that fight,” Dr. Popcak told Walt, “he will show you that he is God in a way that you will experience as merciful and loving and healing.”

If you’re grieving a loss and struggling to move forward, reach out to the faithful, professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. You may also find help in Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book The Life God Wants You to Have, on discovering God’s plan when your own plans have fallen apart.

Resolving Repetitive Arguments

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Often we feel as though we’re just going in circles, having the same arguments over and over. So how do we break the cycle and start actually resolving problems or situations?

Studies show that happy couples tend to be more solution-focused in general, and focus on spending most of their energy addressing more solvable problems. They’re aware of larger issues in the relationship but they tend to hold off on addressing these until they’ve built up enough confidence/rapport by handling the little things well.  Other couples tend to have a more emotionally-based approach that puts every issue—big and small—on an equal footing.  They are less successful at solving anything, in part because their arguments are more emotional and many of the issues they choose to focus on can’t be easily addressed, especially when there isn’t good rapport.

In the beginning, God created each of us to see the world a little differently so that, working together and using our gifts for each other’s good, we would all attend to different details in a manner that would allow us to create a more holistic solution to any challenge.  But in a fallen world filled with unique and unrepeatable people who see things differently AND don’t always work for each other’s good, there is bound to be  some degree of conflict. Pope St. John Paul the Great reminds us that the only solution to this challenge is love–the willingness to understand what the other person needs to flourish and the willingness to make personal sacrifices to help them achieve achieve those things.  By learning to be loving, ESPECIALLY in conflict, we can discover how to encourage each other through the tension, toward godly solutions, and experience even closer relationships–not just in spite of our differences, but because of those differences.

How can this be done?

Zoom Out–Repetitive arguments tend to be ones that are polarized. People stake out their positions too early in the discussion and then argue back and forth about who’s right and who’s wrong. If you’re having the same fight over and over, zoom out.  Step back from trying to solve the problem and instead, figure out how to EMPATHIZE with the other person’s position. Ask questions that allow you to have genuine sympathy for what they are trying to accomplish.You might ask, “Help me understand how things would be better for you if you got what you were asking for.” OR “What is it you’re hoping will change if we did things your way?”  You don’t have to agree with the other person, but keep asking questions until you truly understand their goal. People who feel truly understood are much more willing to negotiate in good faith.

Build The Solution Together–Repetitive arguments are usually caused because each person feels like they are trying to build something that the other person keeps taking apart–like two children fighting over the same block to build THEIR tower! Build your solution together.  Once you have zoomed out enough to understand what each of you is really trying to accomplish. Ask, the other person, “What solution could you imagine that would allow you to get what you want but still be respectful to my concerns?”  This is powerful question because it is both deferential AND assertive. On the one hand, you are humbly asking their advice. On the other hand, you are insisting that they consider your concern in their solution.  This question sets up the right spirit of honesty and collaboration that allows two former competitors to start building together.

Work on Friending, Not Fighting–The most important thing in problem-solving is NOT solving the problem.  It is taking care of each other through the conflict so that you can feel like two friends working together on the problem instead of two enemies fighting over limited resources. Focus on “Friending” NOT fighting. Tell the other person you appreciate them hanging in there with you, offer to pray together so that you are both open to God’s will, do little things to take care of them during a conflict like offering to get them a drink, or take a break, acknowledging their strengths or the value of their opinions.  The more effective you are at taking care of the other person, the more likely you will be able to break through the tendency toward self-preservation that pervades repetitive arguments.

 

For more on how to resolve repetitive arguments, check out God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! and tune in to More2Life–weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN, SiriusXM 130!

How to Build Sustainable Happiness in Our Every Day Lives

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We live in a busy world. Our daily schedules are hectic enough, and with the currently popular push to prioritize self-care, it can often feel as though our own happiness is just another thing we have to schedule onto our to-do lists. 

But it shouldn’t be this way! So how do we find happiness in our every day lives, just based on what we are already doing?

New research out of the Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) Recovery Research Institute identified three top practices that significantly increase overall, daily happiness levels. 

The researchers on this study provided a variety of brief, text-based, self-administered exercises to five-hundred adults. Each exercise required approximately four minutes to complete. The results identified these top three happiness exercises that will help to boost our overall happiness!

1. Reliving Happy Moments

How to: For this exercise, choose one of your own photos that depicts a happy moment for you. Is it a picture of your family? A picture of you with your significant other? With your best friend? An achievement? Whatever you choose, take a a few seconds to remember that moment, then write a brief description of what was happening in that photo. 

Why this works: This exercise gets you thinking about good times. It takes you out of the present moment (especially if the present moment is a stressful one), and allows you to focus on something good that has occurred in your life! 

2. Savoring

How to: Think about and describe two positive moments or experiences that occurred during the preceding day. Was it a positive interaction you had with a coworker or family member? Was it getting to enjoy a few moments of sunshine? Describe this happy moment and how it felt to experience it.

Why this works: It’s easy for us to get caught up in our hectic, fast-paced day, and we often simply focus on what’s next and what we have to do. This “Savoring” exercise gives us a chance to reflect on the positives of the day and reminds us of the happiness or little blessings throughout the day.

3. Rose, Thorn, Bud

How to: Briefly list 1) a positive moment and 2) a challenge you faced during the preceding day. Next list a positive moment or a pleasure you anticipate for the following day. 

Why this works: Like the “Savoring” exercise, “Rose, Thorn, Bud” allows you to think of a positive moment that you experienced during the day. This exercise takes this a step further, however, by allowing you to consider a challenge that you faced and evaluate how you overcame this challenge, what your plan is to overcome this challenge in the future, etc. And finally, this exercise ends on an important and uplifting note by allowing you to reflect on something you can look forward to in the coming day. 

Find out more ways to increase your happiness by checking out, “Unworried—A Life Without Anxiety” and tune in to More2Life—weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN, SiriusXM 130!

It Gets Better With Age

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“My spouse and I bicker all the time! What do we do?” Of course it depends on the severity of the bickering between a couple to determine the answer to this question, but a new study from UC Berckley says, maybe just give it time.

Researchers evaluated conversations and exchanges between 87 middle to older aged couples who had been married for 15 to 37 years and tracked these couples over the course of 13 years. 

The results of this study showed that couples experienced an increase of positive behaviors such as affection and humor while the presence of defensiveness, criticism, and other negative behaviors decreased. The researchers also found a decrease in anxiety and depression stating, “Marriage has been good for their mental health.”

Overall, this study revealed that middle-aged and older couples experience increases in positive emotional behaviors, regardless of their satisfaction with their relationship. 

One researcher stated, “These results provide behavioral evidence that is consistent with research suggesting that, as we age, we become more focused on the positives in our lives.”

This study suggests that just because the honeymoon is over, doesn’t mean that there aren’t good times ahead. 

This is not to say that all difficulties can be solved with time. If you and your spouse are having difficulties and would like to discover practical and faith-filled answers, the Catholic Counselors at Pastoral Solutions Institute are here to help. For more information or to schedule an appointment, give us a call at 740-266-6461 or visit us online at CatholicCounselors.com.

Dealing With Hurtful People

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We all know the world isn’t what it was meant to be. People say hurtful things and it is often difficult to know how to handle it. Similarly, it is difficult to not take what they say to heart. What’s important to keep is mind is that we can’t control what others do, but we CAN control how we react.

Theology of The Body reminds us that we are all works in progress but the best way to see that God’s plans are fulfilled in our lives is to build each other up, not tear each other apart. When we are frustrated, we have a tendency to criticize and pick at each other. It’s good to address the problems and concerns we have with others, but we need to make sure we are approaching people in a way that is respectful, loving, and solution-focused, instead of angry, hurtful, and problem-focused. With God’s grace, we can learn to address the frustrations we have with each other in a way that leads us to be closer to each other instead of worn out by each other.

Here are three More2Life Hacks for dealing with hurtful people:

Clarify and Do-Over–Believe it or not, sometimes hurtful people don’t know they are being hurtful. The first step in addressing another person’s criticisms is not to take offense or even to respond to what they said, but rather, to clarify. When you feel criticized, picked on, or attacked by someone, the first thing to do is say, “I’m sure you didn’t mean to come off as hurtful, but something about the way you said that really seemed hurtful. Can you say that again so I can hear what you’re really trying to tell me?” Don’t attack back. Don’t argue the point. In fact, don’t respond in any kind of substantive way. Instead, give the hurtful person a chance to think about what they are really trying to say by first giving them the benefit of the doubt, then telling them how their statement made you feel, and finally, inviting them to say it again–more thoughtfully this time.

Don’t Ask Permission to Be Offended–Sometimes, even after you’ve told a hurtful person how much they’ve hurt you, they react by denying it. “I didn’t mean anything!” “I was just kidding!”  “You’re too thin-skinned.” Don’t fall into this trap. The best response is to say, “Listen, I’m not asking you permission to be offended by you. I’m telling you that what you said was hurtful. If you want me to hear what you’re really trying to say, your going to need to say it again.” Then leave it to them. If they decide to respect you enough to listen and correct themselves, do your best to listen respectfully and move forward with the conversation. On the other hand, if they refuse to take a more respectful approach, it’s ok to end the conversation even if they act put out about it. Don’t ever ask permission to be hurt by someone. If they hurt you, say so and stand by it.  If they love you, they’ll adopt a more respectful approach going forward.

Build Good Fences–If your attempts to clarify and be respectfully assertive are not effective, it’s time to set some boundaries. Limit your relationship to those places or contexts where the person is less likely to be hurtful. Do they do better in public? On the phone? For shorter visits?  Limit the time you spend with them to these contexts as much as you can. If they complain, simply say that you’d love to get more time with them but in order to do that, they’d need to be more sensitive about the ways they speak to you. Then see how they respond. If they manage to be respectful in the contexts you’ve limited the relationship to, then you can re-evaluate some of your boundaries, but if they continue to be hurtful in their speech or actions, you can either hold the boundaries where they are, or further limit the relationship.  Let their good behavior determine how close you can be.  Good fences really do make good neighbors.

For more on how to effectively handle hurtful people, check out Unworried—A Life Without Anxiety and tune in to More2Life—weekdays, 10am E/9am C—on EWTN, SiriusXM 130!

Healing From Old Hurts

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Forgiveness is a common subject. We frequently hear “inspirational” quotes about forgiveness and letting go. But what does forgiveness and letting go really mean and what steps do we need to take to truly be able to heal from past hurts?

Forgive–Forgiving doesn’t mean pretending “everything’s OK” or acting as if more healing doesn’t need to take place. St Augustine said that forgiveness simply requires us to surrender our natural desire for revenge. To forgive someone just means that you are going to refuse to be defined by the injuries you have suffered at their hands, and that you are refusing to make things worse by hurting them for having hurt you. Forgiveness allows something other than our pain to come into existence. It allows the possibility for healing to occur. The first step in letting go of old hurts is choosing to forgive the other person by refusing to be defined by your pain and choosing to get on with letting God’s grace heal your heart and any other damage that might have been caused by the other person’s actions.

Focus on Healing Not Hurting–Sometimes, even after we’ve forgiven someone, it can be hard to heal. Sometimes, we can even fall a little in love with being the victim. Holding on to victimhood sounds bad, but it can feel good, because it makes us feel like we’re on the winning team of us against the world. But this is an illusion that separates us from God’s healing grace. You don’t have to deny the pain you feel from those old hurts. You just have to focus on taking the next step in healing those hurts. When those injuries come up, instead of nursing them, ask yourself, “What’s one small thing I can do right now to heal myself or this relationship? What’s one small step I can take to regain what was taken from me or heal what was broken in me?”  Then do that thing. If you’re stuck and don’t know what to do, seek guidance from a faithful mentor, spiritual director or pastoral counselor. Either way, the key to letting go of old hurts isn’t found in pretending they don’t exist or in wallowing in them. It is found in making a plan to let God’s healing grace into your heart so that you can not only restore what lost, but so that you can rise up to new heights through God’s mercy and his healing love.

Cultivate Joy–Cultivating joy in the face of old hurts doesn’t mean putting on a happy face and denying your problems. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. It is the quality we achieve by doing everything we can to cooperate with God’s grace to live a more meaningful, intimate, and virtuous life.  Living more meaningfully means doing whatever we can to use our gifts, talents, and abilities to make a positive difference in our lives and the world around us. Living more intimately means doing whatever we can to make our relationships healthier and deeper. Living more virtuously means asking how we can use whatever life throws at us as our opportunity to become stronger, healthier, godlier people. The more we respond to our pain by throwing ourselves into cultivating meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue, the more we cooperate with God’s desire to give us joy in place of the hurt.

For more on how to heal from past hurts check out The Life God Wants You To Have and tune in to More2Life, weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN SiriusXM channel 130.