These Five Steps of Compassionate Problem Resolution Will Change Your Family

When couples come to the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com for help improving their marriage, one of the most common issues is poor conflict resolution.

Instead of compassionately working together to resolve the problem, says Dr. Greg Popcak, couples “shame each other, they attack each other, they become defensive and hostile. They kind of make the spouse the problem instead of the problem the problem.”

Inevitably, the spouses learned these bad conflict resolution strategies from their parents in their family of origin, he says. The way their parents addressed offenses or unwanted behavior—in other words, the way they disciplined their kids—became the children’s default mode for handling offenses or relationship problems as adults.

The good news is that these bad habits can be changed. Even better news: When parents take the time to intentionally adopt a more compassionate approach to discipline, they give their children a template for problem-solving as adults.

In their practice and their educational ministries, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak teach parents Discipleship Discipline, a faith-based approach rooted in the insights of St. John Bosco. And they teach adults—such as couples seeking marriage counseling—a similar approach called Compassionate Problem Resolution (CPR). Both approaches involve the same basic steps.

“We’re teaching a way to give your children and yourselves the skills to really handle conflict and come to a really good resolution that draws you closer to each other and to God,” says Lisa Popcak.

Here are the five basic steps that can transform your family’s conflicts into opportunities for connection and spiritual growth.

 

Step 1: Identify the Problem Instead of Attacking the Person

Conflict is inevitable in any human relationship; even Jesus and his disciples had to cope with conflict. The key is how you approach that conflict, the Popcaks say.

For most of us, our first response is to blame the other person.

“We have to blame (the problem) on somebody so that somebody can take responsibility and fix it,” Lisa Popcak explains. “And very often it leads to name calling, attacking, running the person down. And all of that doesn’t lead to any kind of solution and really does harm to our relationship.”

Instead of heading down that dead-end road, focus on identifying the real problem. Ask yourself or your conflict partner: “What’s really going on here?”

At the same time, it’s important to curb your (very natural) defensiveness by reminding yourself that your spouse or child isn’t intentionally trying to offend you or make your life miserable; ultimately, they are trying to meet some want or need. True, the way they are going about that might not be great, but acknowledging that the people we love are not acting with real malice toward us prepares the ground for step two.

Step 2: Identify the Positive Intention Behind the Behavior

The second step is to simply ask what your conflict partner was trying to do or accomplish. This is what the Popcaks call the “positive intention” behind your child or spouse’s behavior, which is different from the cause of the behavior.

For example, your spouse might have snapped at you rudely because they were under a lot of stress at work; your young child might be a cranky, whiny, hot mess because she is overtired. But those causes aren’t the same as what they are trying to get or do.

“Don’t overanalyze this,” Dr. Popcak says. It’s as simple as asking: “What were you trying to do? What was this person trying to do by behaving this way? Were they trying to solve a problem? Were they trying to express a feeling? Were they trying to tell me something that they need?”

It is critical to work with your child or spouse to identify their positive intention, Lisa Popcak says. “You’re not going off as mom or dad trying to puzzle this out for yourself and then telling your child what their positive intention was. You’re working with them,” she says. “You can guess at it. You can ask them leading questions to find out, but you’re checking along the way: ‘Is this what you were really doing this for? Is this the intention behind the action that you took?’”

Similarly, in a conflict with your spouse, the goal is to respectfully and compassionately work with him or her to identify what their positive want or need is.

Step 3: Explore More Virtuous Alternatives

Once you’ve identified the problem and understood the intention, it’s time to consider healthier, more virtuous ways to handle similar situations in the future.

“Now we’re saying, all right, the next time something like this comes up, how could we handle it differently? What are some alternatives that we could do to make this work better?” Dr. Popcak says.

Whether you are working with your spouse or your child, the key is to cooperatively brainstorm a better way of handling the situation.

Step 4: Repair and Reaffirm the Relationship

The next step is to “check in” on your relationship to make sure everything is good. In less serious conflicts, this might be as simple as offering a reassuring hug or finding another concrete way to show that you care about the other person.

In more serious situations, it might be necessary to do something to repair the harm that was done during the conflict. This could take the form of a sincere apology, or it could be something more concrete, like a child returning the toy he took from his sister. In any case, this step is all about reinforcing the relationship by showing, in words or actions, that you really care for one another.

Step 5: Reinforce the More Virtuous Way of Handling Things

The final step is to reinforce the more virtuous, loving way of handling needs and problems.

In Discipleship Discipline, the Popcaks advocate a “wraparound technique” in which parents check in with kids at the beginning of the day and the end of the day.

“In the morning when you’re getting up and you have your brief morning prayer time, you just say, ‘Hey, you remember when this situation comes up, we talked about how to handle it this way instead of what we were doing before?’” Dr. Popcak says. Then, you talk through the alternative approach you developed in step three. With kids, you might even role-play the new approach.

“And then, at the end of the day, you check in again,” Dr. Popcak continues. You ask how it went handling similar conflicts throughout the day, and then you problem-solve any challenges the child might have had.

The point of this daily practice is to help build up muscle memory, Lisa Popcak says, so that the next time a similar conflict arises, the more constructive approach can break through the intense emotions flooding the brain.

Spouses can benefit from this daily check-in, too. This might be as simple as asking at the end of the day, “How are you feeling about that thing that we talked about?”

“You’re trying to remind each other about the changes that you want to make,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s a gentle way to create a structure that helps remind each other to do the new thing without nagging each other.”

Better Problem Solving Means Happier Families

Implementing these five steps doesn’t just resolve immediate issues; it lays a lasting foundation for compassionate, effective conflict resolution. These intentional strategies cultivate emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity, equipping family members to navigate conflicts constructively and lovingly throughout life.

And families that learn to handle conflict in this way become beacons of God’s love to the world, too.

“This approach isn’t just for today,” Lisa Popcak says. “It’s about planting seeds for all future relationships: spouses, children, grandchildren, even coworkers.”

If you’d like to learn more about this powerful approach to family conflict and discipline, tune into Episode 77 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, which provided the source material for this article; you’ll find it exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app. And if your marriage or family problems need more in-depth, personal attention, reach out for help from a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Extravagant Affection in Marriage

Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

Need To Be Loved 

Every human being has a God-given need to give love and feel loved in return. This desire for unity with another is a primary motivator to find a mate. 

 

If you do not feel united or connected to your spouse, or have the sense that your spouse feels that way, part of the problem could be too little affection.

 

Here are some signs that you might not be sharing enough affection in your marriage: 

-Frequently feeling lonely around your spouse

-Frequently feeling irritable towards your spouse

-Frequent miscommunications or defensiveness about deeper feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears

-Feeling you cannot share thoughts and feelings for fear of being criticized or shamed

-Often jump to negative conclusions or assumptions about your spouse or their motives 

 

When more than one of the above items is generally true for you and/or your spouse resentment can build and spouses slowly drift away from each other–they become disconnected.

 

Shared affection is one solution to these struggles.

Affection maintains a connection in good times and in bad.

The truth is we are all called to generously give of ourselves to others as Christ did for us. This is exponentially more true in our marriage. 

 

But we all love our comfort too much, and often (even without realizing it) prioritize our own comfort over the call to generously give ourselves.

 

We tend to approach loving others from the direction of how I like to love others, such as service or time together. Ultimately, this is backwards and incomplete. I need to be asking “How does my spouse want to be loved?” 

 

I might not consider myself to be an “affectionate person” or a “touchy-feely” type. But God’s call to generous self-giving outweighs our comfort. 

 

As for receiving love from my spouse, this can be, and often is, difficult when my wounds get in the way. Being receptive to love requires vulnerability and openness.

 

How often do we receive a compliment and immediately dismiss it in our mind, or even out loud? Does your spouse compliment your appearance, or tell you that you look nice, and your first reaction is “No, I don’t feel that way”?

 

If we reject or deflect when someone else expresses affection often enough, chances are they will give up trying. If I stiffen up or cringe when touched, my spouse may eventually get discouraged and stop.

 

The Benefits of Extravagant Affection

Affection establishes a link between myself and the other person on the physical, mental and even spiritual level, beginning with the body. Holding someone in a close embrace allows our heartbeats to sync together.

 

This has a calming effect on the nervous system and fosters a sense of safety and closeness in the relationship.

 

Safety and closeness reduce tension, conflict, negativity, resentment, loneliness, and fear. 

 

How often is “extravagant?”  

 

Marriage research through the Gottman Institute recommends a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

 

The 20:1 ratio is a helpful way to communicate the general guideline: start with what seems extravagant to you, and then stretch yourself to do a little bit more than that. 

 

Don’t “keep score” on this point. It’s a guideline, not another way to show your spouse how far they fall short. Focus on your own contributions to the ratio. Reject transactional thinking: “If I give her compliments then she should give me a compliment.” 

 

What qualifies as affection? 

There are three important elements: frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsiveness.

 

Frequent physical contact includes a wide range of touch: a brief touch on the shoulder, holding hands, or cuddling for long periods of time. 

 

Warm interactions are kindled through non-verbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, choice of words, gratitude and affirmations. If it is ‘warm’ it draws you towards the other person and helps you feel connected.

 

Responsiveness is how consistently we return a “bid” for our attention. Affectionate couples make eye contact with one another often when talking and also make an effort to acknowledge when their spouse says something.

 

Do you look up from your phone or the TV when your spouse starts talking to you? Do you demonstrate that you received their message?

 

Practical Tips

Golden Rule: Express affection in ways that your spouse enjoys.

 

Love list: This exercise is for both spouses. Each spouse writes a list of 25 ways that they want to be shown love in non-sexual terms. About 20 of them should be small and simple. The other 5 can be bigger or more complex. Small things might be: kiss my forehead, rub my feet, tell me “I adore you,” bring me a drink. Bigger things could be: organize a date, give me a massage, buy me a gift. After both spouses finish, exchange lists. Try to do 2-3 things on your spouse’s list daily. 

 

6 Second Rule: Once a day, when you hug or kiss your spouse, linger in it for 6+ seconds. This gives you both enough time to slow down, sync up, and melt into the affection.

 

Compliment Catch: Take turns giving each other compliments and affirmations. Be genuine, thoughtful, and sincere. Continue the activity at least until both spouses are laughing and smiling. This is a good activity for dates, during time together, or after a conflict.

 

If you would like to talk with a Pastoral Counselor, or learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC visit CatholicCounselors.com

Couple Time First: Protecting Your Marriage

Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

The time and energy that spouses dedicate to one another overflows into the peace and well-being of the entire family.

My dad would come home from a day of teaching around 4:30 or 5.

After the customary greetings by my sisters and me, he would move us out of the kitchen to spend some quality time with my mom. They would have a cup of coffee together, work on dinner, and talk about the day for about 30 minutes.

Us youngsters were not allowed to eavesdrop or bother them “unless someone is bleeding” as they (jokingly!) said.

After the coffee was gone, we all came together again and had dinner as a family. Being home for dinner was mostly not negotiable. Mom and dad worked hard to limit any possible conflicts with our regular family meal. 

Protecting dinner time gave us the opportunity to create a space for lots of lively discussion, especially as we got older and grappled with questions about God, the world, and our friends.

These experiences helped pour the foundation for the man I am and the man I am becoming. Being given that space to reflect and talk with my parents helped me feel like I was standing on solid ground. A feeling I carry inside of me to this day.

But just as importantly, the conversational time my parents protected for themselves is one of the concrete ways I knew in my bones that they loved each other. Every child needs to know that their parents love one another, especially when parents are upset or stressed. 

The family dinner routine was how I knew that I was loved. 

That I belonged. There is a sense of security, well-being, and warmth in the knowledge of belonging.

 

By protecting the time they needed to reconnect as spouses, the graces of the sacrament could overflow into the whole family.

 

The importance of couple time first

A healthy and holy marriage isn’t something that just happens to people. 

The romantic passion will change over time and life has a way of stealing our time and attention. There will always be more things that demand our energy.

Our spouse deserves to be our priority because people are more important than things.

 

This is the person we chose to spend our life with and unless we guard that the world will try to take this away from us.

 

Couple’s time is “sacred work.” It brings grace to the whole family and consecrates family life to God.

Couples need to protect this time for themselves and for their kids just like my parents did. Children benefit because a connected couple has more to pour into their family relationships: more joy, more generosity, more warmth.

 

Couple time first is a paradigm or mindset, not just a certain time in the week.

 

The point is not always to have a rigid adherence to a single practice or activity. The point is that even when those regular routines do not (or cannot) happen, we intentionally make couple time a priority.

 

Life is messy and often unpredictable. Healthy married couples possess flexibility when needed without compromising the principle.

They follow up with each other later and make sure that they get in even just 10-15 minutes of time to connect every day. 10-15 minutes is no time at all, and most couples probably want and need more at least a few times a week.

 

So how do we make that happen?

  1.       Consider what you are already doing that you could be more intentional about. Perhaps there is a certain time of day you often spend together already, such as right before bed at night. Be more intentional about what you talk about then. Go a little deeper. Talk about those pesky feelings we tend to gloss over in the course of talking about what happened during the day.

 

  1.       Reflect on what tends to get in the way of this time. Do either of you schedule other plans during that time when it is not urgent or serious? Do you choose time together over other commitments, even good ones?

 

  1.       Guard your time against interruptions, even your kid’s wants. (By all means help them with their needs, but like the example with my parents, when my parent’s guarded their time together it helped them meet my needs more effectively).

Do we need to reduce some commitments or clear out our schedule a bit?

Do we need to make sure things like dinner together or time in the evenings are not often commandeered by other activities or distractions like TV?

            

Making couple time first does not always mean adding more activities to your life. The most important part of this mindset is that you are intentional and that time together is the first priority, not last.

 

Learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC at CatholicCounselors.com.

Making Couple Prayer Meaningful: A Simple Guide to Praying Together

Last time, we explored the power of couple prayer and how praying together can bring you closer not only to God but also to each other. But once you’ve made the decision to pray as a couple, you might find yourself wondering, Now what? How do we actually do this?

Dr. Greg Popcak, founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, reassures couples that there is no single “right” way to pray together. In Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak remind us that the goal of prayer isn’t just to check it off a to-do list—it’s to cultivate intimacy.

“All prayer is an act of intimacy,” he explains. “It should draw you closer both to God and the people you’re praying with.”

If you and your spouse are just beginning to pray together, or if you’re looking for ways to make your prayer time richer and more meaningful, the Popcaks offer a simple, structured framework: the PRAISE method.

The PRAISE Method: A Simple Framework for Couple Prayer

To help couples overcome nervousness and ensure a balanced, heartfelt prayer experience, Dr. Popcak suggests using the PRAISE acronym:

1. P – Praise and Thanksgiving

Start your prayer time by expressing gratitude.

“Take a little bit of time to thank God for the things that have happened in your day,” says Dr. Popcak. “Praise God for his love and who he is to you, just like you would with your spouse when you express gratitude for them.”

This can be as simple as thanking God for small blessings—a good conversation, a safe trip, or a moment of peace in a busy day.

2. R – Repentance

While this isn’t a substitute for Confession, it’s a chance to reflect on your actions and attitudes.

“Take a little bit of time to talk about those things that you wish you had done differently that day—things that are obvious to each other,” Dr. Popcak suggests.

Maybe one of you lost patience, spoke too harshly, or was too distracted to truly listen. This step is about seeking God’s grace to love each other better tomorrow.

3. A – Asking for Your Needs

Many of us are naturally good at this part of prayer. But if you hesitate to ask for what you think you need, keep in mind that God wants us to bring our concerns to him.

In this step, share your worries, hopes, and needs—whether they’re about work, health, finances, or relationships. Be honest with God and with each other. Keep an open heart, trusting that whether God meets your needs in the exact way you want, he always wants you to grow and flourish.

4. I – Interceding for Others

Prayer isn’t just about our own lives; it’s also an opportunity to lift up others. This is something we do at every Mass during the Prayer of the Faithful.

“Bringing the people we care about to God is an important way we can serve them and remember them in our relationship with him,” says Dr. Popcak.

Pray for your children, family members, friends, neighbors, people in the world facing hardship—even (and maybe especially) the difficult people in your life. This helps cultivate a heart of generosity and compassion.

5. S – Seeking God’s Will

Some of life’s biggest decisions—changing jobs, moving, parenting challenges—require ongoing discernment.

“Bigger questions don’t have easy, quick answers,” Dr. Popcak acknowledges. “But bringing them to God regularly allows him to fill your heart and mind with his wisdom and clarity.”

In this step, talk openly with one another and with God about important decisions. Ask him to guide your choices and help you discern his will.

6. E – Expressing the Desire to Keep the Conversation Going

Finally, prayer shouldn’t be something you do and then forget about until the next time. “Prayer is a conversation with God that should continue throughout your day,” says Dr. Popcak.

He encourages couples to close their prayer time with a simple statement of commitment: “Lord, thank you for this time together. Help us to hear your voice and love each other well until we meet again in prayer.”

Making Prayer Your Own

One of the best things about the PRAISE method is its flexibility.

“The nice thing about this format is that it’s infinitely adaptable,” Dr. Popcak tells couples. “It can take ten minutes or an hour. You can incorporate formal prayers like the Rosary before or after, or just use this method on its own.”

The key is to make prayer a natural, life-giving part of your relationship. Whether you follow the PRAISE method exactly or simply let it inspire your prayer time, the most important thing is to bring your whole heart into prayer—just as you bring your whole heart into your marriage.

As Dr. Popcak puts it: “If you can do that, that’s all that really matters, because that’s all God and your mate really want—for you to love them with your whole heart, mind, and strength. And that’s what couple prayer is about learning to do.”

If you’d like more guidance on making prayer a meaningful part of your marriage, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, is a great place to begin. And if you need more personal help with your marriage, contact one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

A Powerful Key to A Stronger, More Satisfying Marriage

Couples who pray together, whether they are dating or married, enjoy a wide range of benefits: better communication, relationship satisfaction, and trust, according to a wide body of research.

So why do so few couples—perhaps only 4 percent—pray together?

Many couples say that the idea of praying together feels awkward—even intimidating, according to Dr. Greg Popcak, founder of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and co-author, with Lisa Popcak, of Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love.

But despite these common misgivings, Dr. Popcak has seen the transformative power of couple prayer in his practice. In fact, the Popcaks say couple prayer is one of the most powerful ways to build a strong, loving marriage.

Prayer Is Fundamentally Communal

Another objection that many Catholics raise about praying as a couple is the idea that prayer is meant to be private. But as Dr. Popcak points out, the Church teaches that all prayer—even prayer that you say individually—is, at bottom, the prayer of the whole Church.

“By definition, prayer is an activity that draws us into deeper intimacy with God and others,” Dr. Popcak says.

The Mass, the sacraments, and even Confession remind us that our faith is lived in community. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says: “Prayer is Christian insofar as it is communion with Christ and extends throughout the Church, which is his Body” (#2565).

When a couple prays together, they invite God to be at the center of their relationship. They open themselves to his grace, allowing him to shape their love and guide them through life’s challenges. If all prayer helps us forge stronger relationships with God and others, it makes sense that praying together as a couple would strengthen your marriage.

Four Tips for Praying with Your Spouse

If the idea of couple prayer makes you nervous, take heart. Praying together doesn’t have to be complicated or formal. In fact, the best prayers are those that come from the heart. Here are four simple steps to help you begin:

1. Relax—There’s No “Right” Way to Pray

Many couples hesitate to pray together because they fear doing it “wrong.” They imagine needing to kneel, use formal language, or follow a rigid structure. But prayer is simply a conversation with God.

“In John 15:15, Jesus calls us his friends,” Dr. Popcak reminds us. “There’s no more right way to pray than there is a right way to talk to a friend.”

Just as you and your spouse talk about your day, your joys, and your struggles, you can talk to God in the same way. Some days, your prayers might be simple and brief. Other times, you might pour out your worries or share your gratitude. All of it matters to God.

2. Make It a Habit

Prayer becomes easier the more you do it. The key is consistency. Try picking a specific time to pray together, such as:

  • Right before bed
  • After dinner
  • Once the kids are asleep

By establishing a routine, you’ll grow more comfortable with prayer and start to experience the profound power of praying as a couple.

3. Encourage One Another

Building a new habit takes time. If you miss a day—or even a week—don’t get discouraged. The important thing is to keep trying.

Avoid keeping score over who initiates prayer more often. Instead, focus on simply making it happen. Support and encourage each other along the way.

4. Respect Different Prayer Styles

Not everyone prays the same way, and that’s okay. One spouse might feel comfortable praying out loud, while the other prefers silent reflection. Some might enjoy reading Scripture, while others prefer spontaneous prayer.

Dr. Popcak advises couples to be patient and respectful: “Be careful not to criticize each other or laugh about the way your spouse prays. God welcomes all prayer, no matter how it’s expressed.”

When a couple prays together, they give God—the very source of love—the opportunity to teach them how he wants them to love one another. By making prayer a regular part of your relationship, you’ll open the door to deeper intimacy, greater unity, and a love that reflects God’s design.

Next time, we’ll look at a simple framework for guiding your prayer time together. In the meantime, if you want to learn more about couple prayer, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Praying for and with Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love, is a great resource to help you take the next step. You can find it at CatholicCounselors.com.

How to De-Escalate Conflict: Six Expert Tips

Few people have had as much opportunity to practice the art of de-escalating tense situations as Ron LaGro, LSW, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

In the years since he graduated from Franciscan University at Steubenville, he has worked with homeless men in Chicago and New York, developmentally disabled foster youth with aggression issues, patients with schizophrenia both in a psychiatric hospital and in the community, and children in the child protective system in South Bend, Indiana. In fact, he has even led de-escalation training sessions.

Sooner or later, everyone finds themselves engaged with someone who has “lost it” (or is on their way to losing it)—a cranky toddler, maybe, or an angry customer. Then there’s that sibling or co-worker who is always poking at you, trying to get you riled up.

In those situations, LaGro is the guy to know. He recently explained how anyone can de-escalate conflict and restore peace in heated moments.

1. Know Your Own Triggers

Some of the most important de-escalation work needs to happen long before you find yourself in a tense situation, LaGro says.

“A big part of de-escalation is recognizing our own triggers,” he explained. “If we don’t understand what sets us off, we won’t be able to stay calm when someone else is losing control.”

Before stepping into a difficult situation, take stock of your own emotional vulnerabilities. What comments or behaviors make you defensive? What wounds from your past might flare up in an argument? Understanding these triggers ahead of time allows us to respond with grace rather than reactivity. Regular prayer practices—such as the daily examen, meditation, or the sacrament of reconciliation—can help bring deeper self-awareness and peace.

LaGro shared an example of working with a client who frequently hurled personal insults at him.

“He would just take shots at me, trying to get a reaction,” he recalled. “But because I was already at peace with those things, I wasn’t thrown off balance.”

Being self-aware doesn’t mean ignoring hurtful words; it means preparing ourselves so that we don’t react emotionally in a way that escalates the conflict. Instead, we can respond from a place of stability.

2. Stay in Your “Adult Mindset”

LaGro distinguishes between an “adult mindset” and a “child mindset” in conflict.

“As we get more emotionally heated, we slip into a child mindset where we see the other person as a threat,” he explained. “That’s when we either lash out or shut down.”

Using the “emotional thermometer” concept promoted by the Pastoral Solutions Institute—mentally assessing whether we are at a calm 3 or a raging 8—can help us step back before we react poorly. If you notice yourself getting too worked up, take a deep breath and pray for God’s help to calm down. If needed, step away until you can re-engage calmly.

3. Respond Calmly

When someone is angry, our instinct may be to match their volume or intensity. But shouting over someone rarely calms them down—it usually escalates the situation.

LaGro had plenty of experience with this principle at the psychiatric hospital. “If someone comes off an elevator screaming and I respond by yelling, ‘You need to calm down!’ it just escalates the situation,” he said. “Instead, speaking calmly, lowering our volume, and having nonaggressive body posture can send the message: I am not a threat.

Saying the person’s name in a gentle tone, acknowledging their emotion (“You seem really upset”), and avoiding aggressive body language can help de-escalate their response.

4. Recognize the Other as a Person, Not an Opponent

When someone is upset, it’s easy to see them as an enemy to defeat rather than a person in distress. But our Catholic faith teaches us that every person is made in the image of God and deserves dignity—even in their worst moments.

“If I view someone as an opponent or someone to control, my body language and tone will reflect that,” Ron said. “But if I remind myself that they are another hurting person, just like me, I can approach the situation with empathy instead of defensiveness.”

LaGro doesn’t tell people to just “be empathetic.” Instead, he suggests asking yourself more concrete questions: What is this person going through? Recognizing that the other person is hurting, confused, or in need of help—in other words, seeing the situation through their eyes—makes it much easier to actually help them.

5. Show You Understand the Other’s Situation

Have you ever had a friendly conversation about politics or faith suddenly escalate to the point where voices are raised and people are talking over one another? One challenge in de-escalation is responding to someone who is saying things that we find disagreeable, irrational, or even offensive. In these situations, how do we de-escalate without implying our agreement or acceptance of objectionable statements?

The key, LaGro said, is trying to understand where people are coming from.

For example, if someone claims, “The university administration is controlled by aliens!” instead of arguing, you might say, “Wow, that sounds really scary. What makes you think that?” By showing curiosity instead of immediate dismissal, you keep the conversation from escalating while still maintaining reality.

“If I skip (asking) What’s this person going through? then I can’t help navigate that experience for them and I can’t help them de-escalate,” LaGro said. “If it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your co-worker that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your kid that’s crying because they didn’t get the ice cream cone, they want to feel understood: ‘You really want that ice cream cone! I love ice cream cones, too, so I totally get it.’ We’re meeting them where they’re at.”

Trying to understand someone isn’t the same as agreeing with them, LaGro points out. Only once people feel we understand where they’re coming from can we begin to help them navigate and de-escalate their situation.

6. Know When to Walk Away

While de-escalation is often effective, there are times when it’s best to just disengage.

“If someone picks up a lamp and starts swinging it, you don’t try to talk them down—you get to safety,” LaGro emphasized. “There are moments where your priority has to be self-protection.”

If someone is physically aggressive, verbally abusive, or completely irrational, the best option might be to step away and seek help. De-escalation is a skill, but it’s not always the right tool for every situation.

De-Escalation: A Win-Win Strategy

Jesus’ call to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44) can seem like a tall order, but the steps LaGro outlines for de-escalating conflict offer a good place to start. By examining our own triggers, trying to understand the other’s perspective, and responding to provocations calmly, we actively choose the good of someone who might be making life difficult for us.

And as a happy bonus, responding in this way is very likely to de-escalate tense situations, making it easier to bring conflict to a happy ending for both people.

For more personalized guidance in managing conflict, consider reaching out to Ron LaGro or another pastoral counselor at the Pastoral Solutions Institute today.

The Beauty And Depth of God’s Plan for Love

Perhaps no other teaching of the Catholic Church is more misunderstood than its take on human sexuality. That misunderstanding is often rooted in the way people understand the meaning and purpose of human sexuality, says Dr. Greg Popcak, director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

Popular culture usually frames sexual relationships in terms of eroticism, in which the sex act is isolated from the rest of the participants’ humanity and experience. The Church, by contrast, advocates a holistic sexuality—what Dr. Popcak calls “holy sex”—in which sex fits into the bigger picture of what it means to be human.

In his book Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving, Popcak explains that while both types of sexuality may bring pleasure, their deeper impact on individuals and relationships is profoundly different.

In a talk based on the book, Dr. Popcak outlined seven key differences that reveal the beauty and depth of God’s plan for love.

1. Holy Sex Makes Us Whole

Holy sex and eroticism may both feel good, but the quality of pleasure they offer is fundamentally different. Holy sex is like experiencing a breathtaking sunrise or a moving symphony that fills you with awe and leaves you feeling more whole.

Eroticism, by contrast, is like the allure of Las Vegas lights: a flash of excitement that ultimately leaves you poorer when it is over. Holy sex offers joy that enriches the entire person—body, mind, and soul.

2. Holy Sex is Fueled by Intimacy

While eroticism is fueled by arousal, holy sex is fueled by intimacy—that sense of deep connection and closeness that comes from a good, healthy relationship.

“Intimacy makes me feel like no matter how tired I am, no matter what’s going on in my day, I want to be in the arms of my friend, my best friend,” Dr. Popcak says, “and the more I know my wife, the more I want to be with her.”

3. Holy Sex Creates Intimacy and Healthy Vulnerability

The third difference is that holy sex causes intimacy and healthy vulnerability, Dr. Popcak says, while eroticism causes shame and suspicion.

Holy sex creates a safe space for vulnerability, fostering trust and openness. It encourages couples to embrace each other as whole persons. In contrast, eroticism is more about using another person’s sexuality for your own pleasure. That experience of being used can lead to feelings of shame and resentment.

“The opposite of love is not hate, but use,” he says. When someone feels used rather than loved, they may emotionally withdraw to protect themselves.

On the other hand, “if I’m loving my wife, and we are experiencing holy sex, we become more complete and whole persons because of the experience,” Dr. Popcak says. “We want to open up to each other more, we want to experience each other more, we want to understand each other better.”

4. Holy Sex Unites Two as One

The fourth difference between holy sex and eroticism is that holy sex tends to bring two people closer together, while eroticism tends to alienate them.

Holy sex bonds couples deeply, even rewiring their brains to see each other as integral parts of themselves. This unity strengthens marriages and helps couples navigate life’s challenges together.

“When we’re with one person, that person becomes more and more a part of ourselves,” Dr. Popcak says, and “we start in our brain to see the other person as part of ourselves.”

When we break up with a sexual partner, that rupture actually lights up the pain centers in the brain. In fact, research shows that as the number of premarital sexual partners increases, the difficulty of maintaining a stable marriage decreases.

5. Holy Sex Is Generous

“Holy sex allows us to celebrate a love so powerful that, as Scott Hahn puts it, in nine months it has to be given its own name,” Dr. Popcak says.

Holy sex reflects God’s own creative, generous love. It is holistic, connecting sex with its wider biological and social context.

Eroticism, however, isolates the physical act of love from its deeper meaning and potential.

“Eroticism is terrified of children,” Dr. Popcak says. “It says, I don’t want that fertility part of you. I just want the parts of you that make me feel good.”

This doesn’t mean that sex is only holy when it leads to children, but it’s about openness to the life (literal or figurative) that true intimacy brings. 

6. Holy Sex Leads to Flourishing

While holy sex contributes to physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, eroticism tends to cause physical, emotional, and spiritual harm.

“People were made to be loved, and if we’re loved, we flourish. And if we’re used, we break down,” Dr. Popcak says. A large body of research has long shown that in a healthy marriage, people tend to show higher levels of physical and psychological health.

Eroticism, on the other hand, causes about 19 million new STD infections per year in the U.S. alone, costing about $4.1 billion annually to our health care system.

7. Holy Sex Supports Enduring Relationships

Finally, holy sex becomes more vital and passionate with time, while eroticism fades and dies with time. Holy sex supports enduring, satisfying relationships.

It all goes back to intimacy, Dr. Popcak says: “The more I know you, the more I want to know you. The more I love you, the more I want to love you. The more I want to please you. Our experience of lovemaking is rooted in intimacy and friendship and partnership, not in creating a drama, not in things.”

Discovering the Beauty of Holy Sex

In the end, holy sex is about participating in the deeper reality of God’s love. It’s about a holistic approach to sex in which it is not isolated from the full breadth of the human experience.

“It’s not depressing, it’s not repressive, it’s not boring, it’s amazing,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s the most incredible experience, and it’s what God wants all of us to have, and it’s what the Church talks about when she talks about sex.”

For more insights and practical guidance, explore Dr. Greg Popcak’s Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving. By embracing God’s plan, couples can discover a love that is not only deeply fulfilling but also life-giving in every sense of the word.

4 Practices That Help “Grown Up” Families Stay Close

Many parents assume that it’s inevitable for families to grow apart as kids grow up and leave home; Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear this assumption frequently on their More2Life call-in radio show. And it’s true: long distances, busy work schedules, and new family responsibilities all make it more challenging for adult children to stay connected with their parents and siblings.

But in their book Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks propose a way for families to maintain warm, loving adult relationships even though they are not living under the same roof any longer.

The key? Shared experiences around family rituals. By finding ways to continue working, playing, talking, and praying together on a regular basis—even at a distance—“grown up” families build a “trellis” to support the growth of love, trust, and connection. Over time, these practices build emotional capital, creating the context for deeper conversations and mutual understanding.

 

Family Rituals in the Context of Adult Relationships

If you belong to CatholicHŌM or are familiar with the Popcaks’ work around the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, you probably already know how shared family rituals provide a strong foundation for family life. In Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks explain how to practice these family rituals in the context of adult relationships.

In their book, the Popcaks provide several pages of ideas for creating rituals tailored to different aspects of family life. These can be adjusted to fit the unique needs and interests of your family. Here are some examples:

  • Work rituals: Collaborate on a family project, such as organizing a reunion, helping an adult child with home repairs, or preparing meals for a local charity. Even simple tasks, like cleaning out a garage together, can provide opportunities to connect.
  • Play rituals: Schedule regular game nights, family hikes, or movie nights. For families spread across distances, try an online trivia game or watch a movie “together” while chatting via video call.
  • Prayer rituals: Create a family group chat for sharing prayer intentions and answered prayers. Attend Mass together on special occasions, or occasionally text a personalized prayer for an adult child’s specific need. For example: “Lord, please bless Carla in her job interview today. Help her to use the gifts you’ve given her and trust in your plan for her life.”
  • Conversation rituals: Plan regular one-on-one coffee or meal dates with your adult children. Use technology to stay connected through weekly family video calls or group chats.

 

Turning Intentions Into Action

Of course, these family rituals don’t just materialize on their own. “There needs to be some intentionality and even some gentle, positive pressure to make these things happen regularly,” the Popcaks write.

But how do you make family rituals happen when your adult children have their own lives and priorities? More importantly, how do you do it in a way that feels natural and joyful for everyone? The Popcaks offer four tips:

  1.       Set Expectations. Start by creating the understanding that family connection is important and should happen regularly. Avoid presenting this as a wistful fantasy, as though it’s an unlikely goal. Instead, take a hopeful and practical approach: “Let’s get out our calendars and make something happen.” Suggest a few ideas to get the ball rolling, but don’t force a particular plan. Instead, use your suggestions as conversation starters that encourage your adult children to share their own ideas.
  2.       Generate Buy-In. Invite your adult children to contribute ideas about what they’d enjoy doing together. Be generous and open to possibilities, even if some suggestions aren’t your personal favorites. The goal isn’t necessarily finding the one activity that you all love equally. Rather, the goal is finding a list of activities you can all reasonably tolerate or even enjoy. Whether it’s a shared project, a game night, or a simple family meal, focus on the relationship rather than the specific activity.
  3.       Be Realistic About Participation. Acknowledge that not everyone will always be able to join, and that’s okay. Make it clear that the door is always open to those who can participate. By showing flexibility and understanding, you create a sense of welcome without making anyone feel pressured or guilty. Let them know you value time with whoever is available, and don’t let absences discourage your efforts.
  4.       Make It Enjoyable. When the family does come together, ensure the time is pleasant and enjoyable for all involved. This helps create positive momentum, encouraging everyone to look forward to future gatherings. As the Popcaks write: “The relationship is primary; the activity is secondary.”

Over time, this gentle approach builds enthusiasm for shared experiences.

If you’re ready to take the next step in strengthening your family bonds, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, offers even more insights and practical advice. For additional help tailored to your unique situation, visit CatholicCounselors.com to connect with a pastoral counselor who can guide you on this journey.

How to Have Healthy Conflict That Improves Your Relationships

Conflict often gets a bad rap. Many of us grow up thinking it’s best to avoid it—especially with those we love.

But conflict—that is, a disagreement between two people about priorities, values, and goals—is an inevitable part of human relationships. And according to Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, conflict doesn’t have to be something we fear. In fact, when handled well, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, fostering growth and mutual respect.

“Conflict is not a bad thing,” Kolodziej says. “It actually is beneficial and healthy for families and for couples.”

Avoiding conflict, he adds, ultimately hurts relationships, letting problems fester instead of being addressed.

 

Keys to Creative, Constructive, Respectful Conflict

How can we approach conflict in ways that help us grow and strengthen our relationships? Kolodziej suggests several strategies.

Reframe Conflict as a Team Challenge

For many people, the words “conflict” and “fight” are nearly synonymous: conflict is seen as a contest in which there is a high risk of getting hurt, and which is resolved when one person “wins” and the other “loses.”

But Kolodziej suggests seeing conflict as a challenge two people can tackle together, an exercise in teamwork. In this problem-solving approach, “the relationship is more important than being right,” he says.

 

Focus on High-Impact Problems

Choosing which conflicts to put time and energy into is also key; you don’t necessarily want to spend a lot of time on low-impact differences, like what show to watch or where to eat.

“We need to look at what is impacting our relationship the most?” Kolodziej says. He suggests prioritizing issues that are undermining the relationship or causing you to sin. Notice your emotions—if an issue causes regret, resentment, or anxiety, it’s likely a conflict worth addressing.

 

Clarify Each Person’s Wants or Needs

Conflict often arises when one or both people feel their needs aren’t met. Kolodziej suggests beginning by identifying and clearly communicating those needs on both sides.

“And then we look at the gap between what that person needs and what I need, and we try to triangulate it (to find) a way that we can both get our needs met,” Kolodziej says.

If each side’s needs or wants aren’t clearly identified, the conversation can hit a snag. Kolodziej often asks his clients to define what they need, but many struggle with this. For example, someone might say, “I need my spouse to be nice to me,” but when Kolodziej follows up to ask what “nice” looks like more specifically, they can’t say.

Clarity is essential. “You’ll never satisfy someone’s needs until they know what they need,” Kolodziej explains. But if the person is able to name what “nice” looks like, “then all of a sudden it becomes real and it becomes achievable.”

 

Avoid the Landmines of Contempt and Defensiveness

Kolodziej identifies two “landmines” that can sink constructive relationship problem-solving.

One is contempt, which Kolodziej says is “the one behavior that destroys relationships faster than anything else.” It is okay to criticize someone for what they have done (“You leave all the chores for me to do”), but attacking someone’s character (“You’re lazy and selfish”) crosses over into contempt.

If you are on the receiving end of the other person’s contempt, Kolodziej suggests responding with these powerful words: “If you’re trying to hurt me, it’s working.” 

Ideally, that will reset the conversation. But if it doesn’t, it might be time to walk away from the conversation, at least for a while.

The other landmine is being overly defensive when it would be more appropriate to take responsibility for your actions.

“Defensiveness is probably one of the greatest contributors to not resolving conflicts,” Kolodziej says. “As soon as we justify (our actions), then we’re basically saying, ‘I’m not guilty. I did it, but the devil made me do it.’ Or: ‘I did it because you did this first and I’m just getting even with you.’”

A more effective response to a legitimate complaint is to take ownership of your role: “You can say, ‘I did this part or that part, you have every right to be upset with me.’ No ‘if,’ ‘and,’ or ‘but,’ just simply, ‘Yeah, I did it.’”

Monitor Your “Emotional Temperature”

Watch your “emotional temperature” during conflict. Dr. Greg Popcak, Kolodziej’s colleague, developed an “emotional thermometer” that uses a scale of 1 to 10 to gauge emotional intensity. If your emotional temperature hits 8 or higher, Kolodziej recommends a break, with a commitment to reconvene later when emotions have cooled.

 

An Investment in Relationship

Most conflicts can be resolved when both parties respect these ground rules, Kolodziej says, although some conflicts—like one partner wanting children and the other not—may not have a win-win resolution. In these cases, couples must decide whether the relationship is more valuable than the unresolved issue. And if the other person values “winning” over the relationship, it might be time to set boundaries, Kolodziej advises: “If the person is toxic, if they keep attacking and won’t change their behaviors, maybe that’s a relationship that’s best not to continue–at least not in the same way.”

Overall, though, entering conflicts with a creative, cooperative attitude can lead to greater love and connection between two people.

“Every conflict that you have, you invest in that relationship,” he says. “People who have no conflicts and then all of a sudden have one, that might destroy them. But people who are frequently resolving conflicts respectfully are building a relationship that is very, very tight, that is indestructible.”

If you need more help with a conflict in your life, head over to the bookstore at CatholicCounselors.com, where you will find many books on this topic. Or connect with Mark Kolodziej or another pastoral counselor by reaching out to CatholicCounselors.com.

How to Find Marriage Counseling That Really Works—and Why You Shouldn’t Wait

Nearly half of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce, yet couples typically wait four to six years from the onset of problems before seeking professional help. That’s too bad, because numerous research studies have shown that marriage counseling can be effective at significantly improving relationship satisfaction and preventing divorce.

Why do couples wait so long to seek professional help? Many couples steer clear of marriage counseling because they are afraid it won’t work, or because they view it as admitting failure. In the meantime, they usually turn to the sources of support that are most conveniently at hand: friends, family, pastors, and so on.

But these sources of help usually fail to address the deeper issues in a troubled relationship. Worse, well-meaning friends can offer advice that actually causes more problems.

“No one sets out to destroy their relationship, but I cannot tell you the number of hours I have had to spend with couples cleaning up messes that were made from bad advice they had received,” Dr. Greg Popcak writes in his book How to Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love. “Often, my clients will spend weeks undoing the problems caused by bad advice or poor support before we can even get to the original problem.”

When is it appropriate to lean on friends, family, and faith leaders for support, and when is it time to seek the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist? And how do you find a competent therapist—one who has training and experience in marriage counseling, and who is actually committed to helping you heal your marriage?

Dr. Popcak addresses all of these questions in chapter 11 of How to Heal Your Marriage, but we’ll summarize his advice below.

 

Family, Friends, Faith: The Limits of Common Marital Supports

Couples who encounter problems in their marriage often begin by seeking support from family and friends, and sometimes their pastor or another faith leader. Seeking emotional support and encouragement from family and friends can be a perfectly good first step, Dr. Popcak writes, when those people are able to provide informed peer support.

“The key words here are informed and peer,” he says. Peers are people who are on the same social level as you—not people who are emotionally or materially dependent on you. And an informed peer is someone who has demonstrated maturity, virtue, and good character. This is someone who is capable of lovingly challenging your outlook and assumptions rather than simply affirming everything you say.

While certain friends and family members can provide much-needed support, they are rarely a good source of practical advice for couples experiencing significant marital problems. That’s because friends and family are not usually in the best position to provide objective advice. Moreover, they usually lack the professional training and experience necessary to provide strategies that are research-tested and proven to work. Finally, Dr. Popcak says, in a culture where divorce is common, “most people intuitively know much more about what it takes to end a marriage than how to save it.”

What about your pastor? Your pastor may be able to offer you the spiritual support you need to tackle your marriage problems, but unless he has a professional degree in counseling, he is no more qualified to offer you marriage counseling than he is to treat your medical problems. That is not to say that you shouldn’t reach out to your pastor, but depending on the severity of your problems, most pastors will likely point you in the direction of marriage-friendly counseling.

 

Why Good Marriage Counseling Works

Human relationships, even between two people who love one another, are complicated, and the keys to a healthy relationship are not always obvious or intuitive. This is where a licensed marriage therapist can help. Drawing on decades of research, a competent marriage therapist can help couples learn the habits and practices that make for a happy, fulfilling relationship.

Dr. Popcak, for example, lists eight habits of happy couples:

  1. Regularly connecting through daily rituals of working, playing, praying, and talking together.
  2. Practicing emotional rapport and benevolence.
  3. Practicing emotional self-control, especially during times of stress and conflict.
  4. Practicing a “positive intention frame”—that is, assuming the best about your spouse even when they are at their worst.
  5. Taking care of one another as you work through conflicts.
  6. Practicing mutual respect, accountability, and boundaries.
  7. Learning from mistakes and learning to talk about “perpetual problems.”
  8. Finding good support for their marriage.

Couples who are struggling often think that the key is to solve the conflict between them. In fact, research shows that both happy and unhappy couples have about the same amount of conflict; the difference is that happy couples have the skills to handle those conflicts in ways that draw them together rather than pushing them apart.

A good marriage therapist serves as a sort of coach, helping couples learn these and other skills that will enable them to have a happy marriage. It is this long-term, expert guidance that makes marriage counseling so effective.

But how do you find a good marriage therapist?

 

Choosing a Competent, Marriage-Friendly Therapist

To find a good therapist, start by looking for someone whose training has prepared them to specialize in marriage counseling. Research by Gottman (2011) shows that therapists with specific training in marriage and family therapy have significantly higher success rates with marital therapy clients (over 90%) compared to general practice therapists (as low as 30%).

Ask about the potential therapist’s specific training and supervised experience in marital therapy. A qualified therapist should be able to describe their graduate coursework and practical experience in detail. If a therapist gives vague responses, they might not be the right fit.

Next, ask whether the therapist is marriage friendly. What is a “marriage-friendly” therapist? According to the National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists, this is a therapist who believes it is preferable to help couples restore their marriage to health, if that is possible.

It might seem that most marriage and family therapists would hold this belief, but according to one national survey of 1,000 therapists, more than 60% said they are “neutral” on marriage versus divorce for their clients, according to the Registry.

For many Catholic couples, finding a therapist who understands and supports their faith tradition is also crucial. Research indicates that faithful Catholics prefer therapists with competencies in moral theology and other areas specific to their faith. Different faith traditions have unique perspectives on marriage, and working with a therapist unfamiliar with or unsupportive of these views can make counseling challenging.

 

The Path to a Happier Marriage

So, while many couples delay seeking professional help for their marriage because of fears or misperceptions about what it involves, the reality is that good marriage counseling is no different from the sort of help you would get from a coach, financial advisor, or a medical professional.

Throughout the Bible and two thousand years of tradition, the Christian faith acknowledges that good relationships don’t come naturally to us humans. We all need the help of God—and one another—to nurture happy, healthy relationships. Marriage counseling that respects clients’ faith and works from research-proven methods can provide the support couples need to fulfill God’s plan for their marriage.

For more advice about finding professional help for your marriage, see chapter 11 of How to Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love by Dr. Greg Popcak. The National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists can direct you to marriage-friendly therapists in your area. And you can always get tele-counseling marriage therapy from the many Catholic therapists right here at CatholicCounselors.com.