To End the Chore Wars, Go Deeper Than Deciding Who Does What

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More than half of married adults say sharing the load of household work is very important to a successful marriage, according to a 2016 Pew Research survey. Yet nearly half of married couples say that responsibility for work around the house is split unevenly in their marriage.

Since chores are one of the leading causes of conflict in marriage, figuring out how to share the load matters. But as Dr. Greg Popcak points out, reducing conflict around chores is about more than balancing out how much each person does. It’s about something most couples have never talked about: emotional labor.

The 10 percent problem

“Doing the task is only about 10 percent of the actual task,” Dr. Popcak explained in a recent episode of his BeDADitudes podcast.

Think about what actually goes into getting something done. There’s the task itself — and then there’s everything that surrounds it: noticing the task needs doing, making a plan, gathering what’s needed, scheduling the time, following through, and making sure it stays done. That surrounding work is emotional labor.

In most households, emotional labor falls unevenly, with women usually (but not always) carrying most of the mental load. Often, the person doing the emotional labor can’t fully explain why they feel overburdened. They just know that even when their spouse “helps,” they’re still the one who had to notice, plan, and direct everything. In effect, that person has an extra job as the “general contractor” for the household.

“We’ve been socialized to think it’s one person’s responsibility to do the emotional labor,” Dr. Popcak said, “and the other person’s job to show up when told to do something. That’s really not the Christian view of household labor.”

More than checking boxes

Christian family life calls every member of the household — not just one person — to practice prompt, generous, consistent, and cheerful attention to each other’s needs. (Readers familiar with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Liturgy of Domestic Church Life will recognize this as one of twelve foundational practices for a healthy, holy family.)

The goal is to really “show up” for one another — cluing in to what the household and the people in it actually need, and contributing to that without waiting to be asked. Waiting to be told what to do, staying focused on our own corner of the house, or checking out after our assigned tasks are done amounts to the vice of sloth, Dr. Popcak said.

“Sloth isn’t necessarily laziness,” he said. “It’s the checking out. It’s not engaging with the things right in front of us.”

That inattention, however unintentional, damages relationships over time.

Building the Kingdom of God, One Sock at a Time

On the other hand, showing up, noticing what needs to be done, and then following through is a very real part of Christians’ responsibility to build the Kingdom of God.

“It’s not enough for the Christian person to be told what to do,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian person really needs to recognize what needs to be done and how I can use this moment to build the kingdom of God.”

Building the kingdom of God means doing what we can to cooperate with God’s grace and to undo the damage that sin does to our relationships with one another. “That’s what building the kingdom is because the kingdom is built on relationship,” Dr. Popcak said.

We tend to think of building the Kingdom of God in terms of “big” acts of charity. But noticing that the laundry needs putting away or that the dishes need to be done and then taking the lead on that is just as much part of building the Kingdom of God as bigger, more visible work like establishing hospitals and housing programs. The ultimate goal of both types of work is the same: sharing God’s love in a way that restores and strengthens relationships.

With that in mind, here are three simple ways to start shifting your family’s mindset around household work.

1. Scan before you sit

When you walk into a room, take five seconds to look around before settling in. Is there something small that needs doing? Maybe it’s a dirty cup on the counter or a child who looks like she’s had a rough afternoon.

You don’t have to act on everything you notice. The goal is simply to pay attention — to cultivate the habit of awareness rather than waiting for someone else to flag what needs doing.

2. Leave every room a little better than you found it

Dr. Popcak suggests adopting the old scouting principle of leaving your campsite better than you found it. Applied at home, that might mean wiping down the sink when you leave the bathroom, putting something away as you pass through the kitchen, or picking up what’s on the floor before you leave the bedroom.

Small contributions, made consistently by everyone in the household, add up to a home that doesn’t depend on any one person’s constant vigilance.

3. Leave every person a little better than you found them

The campsite principle applies to people, too.

“Am I leaving the people I encounter a little better than I found them?” Dr. Popcak asks. Offering to help, giving a hug, saying a word of encouragement all counts.

At this level, emotional labor is more than household management. When our attention to the household extends to the people in it, work stops being transactional and starts being relational — which is exactly what God intends it to be.

For more help building a stronger, more connected home, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. And if you’d like ongoing support for your family life, join the community of Catholic parents at CatholicHŌM, where you can also connect with Dr. Popcak and his team of expert pastoral counselors.

Marriage Is About So Much More Than “Who’s the Boss?”

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Mary Beth’s husband is, by most measures, a good man: hardworking, generous, and devoted to his family.

“But there’s another side of him that I’m struggling with,” she wrote in an email to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “Whenever I or one of the kids tries to raise a concern or if I gently suggest that he could have handled a situation differently, he explodes. He accuses me of disrespecting him, of trying to take over, of not honoring him as the head of the family. The conversation stops being about whatever the actual issue was and becomes about defending himself.”

Friends in her Bible study suggested that she stop criticizing him. “I don’t want to criticize him,” her letter continued. “I want to connect with him. But I’m starting to shut down emotionally and I don’t know how to reach him without setting him off. Is there a loving way forward here, or am I the problem?”

‘Be Subject to One Another’

The problem isn’t with Mary Beth, but with some common misunderstandings about what it means to be “head of the family” — and what true love really looks like.

A recent study found that 31 percent of Gen Z men — double the rate of boomers — believe wives should obey their husbands in all things. The trend may be connected with the wider movement to get back to more “traditional” values.

Among Christians, the belief that wives should submit to their husbands in all things often has its roots in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior” (5:21-23).

But the way that passage is sometimes interpreted is more idolatrous than Christian, the Popcaks said in their response to Mary Beth.

“Headship is not about bossing your wife and kids around,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s about setting the tone for service and spirituality in the home.”

To understand what genuine headship looks like, Dr. Popcak suggests looking to the role of the priest at Mass. The priest doesn’t dictate to the congregation — he presides in a way that makes the ordinary holy and draws everyone into a deeper relationship with God.

“The pagan vision of headship is autocratic and top-down: do what I say,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian vision is really liturgical. It’s about facilitating encounters with Christ in my home, making the faith the source of the warmth in my home, and being the servant leader who shows my family what it means to live sacrificial love.”

This isn’t a new idea. St. John Paul II offers a similar understanding in Familiaris Consortio: “Authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: ‘You are not her master,’ writes St. Ambrose, ‘but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife…. Reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love’” (#25).

And the pope was even more direct in his Theology of the Body catechesis on Ephesians 5:21-23: “The mutual relations of husband and wife should flow from their common relationship with Christ,” the pope said. “Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband, an object of unilateral domination.”

Real Love Works for the Good of the Other

What does this mean for someone like Mary Beth? When Dr. and Lisa Popcak addressed her question on air, they affirmed her desire for a “loving way forward,” but with some important clarifications.

First, Dr. Popcak explained that as much as her husband may mean well, he “learned growing up that it wasn’t okay to ever be wrong.” As a result, rather than using spiritual resources for the good of the family, he used them to defend himself.

Second, the Popcaks pointed out that accommodating his woundedness wasn’t really loving him. Real love means working for the good of the other, and in this case, that means inviting him to grow in wholeness and holiness.

Dr. Popcak suggested a basic script for that message: “I love you and I realize you’re trying to do your best. I’m not the enemy here, and neither are the kids. But you’re treating us like we are. And I love you too much to let that go on any longer…. So either we can work this out, you and I, or we can work this out with a counselor, but we’re going to work it out because I love you too much to let this continue any longer because it’s poisoning the family.”

That’s not necessarily an easy or comfortable conversation. Dr. Popcak said that many of his clients veer away from such a direct, honest call to conversion. But that’s a mistake.

As Lisa Popcak put it: “Saying ‘I just wish you’d stop’ is not prophetic. It doesn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t come from a place of godly strength.”

The message has to be clear—and it has to come from love, not fear.

What True Headship Looks Like

The sort of headship that demands “submission in all things” is more akin to idolatry than genuine fidelity to the Gospel. For husbands genuinely trying to lead their families well, Dr. Popcak offers the following advice.

  •  Lead toward Christ, not toward yourself. Your role is to draw your wife and children into a deeper relationship with God. When you position yourself as the one everyone must tiptoe around, you’ve made yourself the center rather than Christ.
  •  Facilitate, don’t dictate. “If you’re the chairman of the board, you don’t dictate the agenda,” Dr. Popcak said. “You facilitate the conversation by which decisions happen together.”
  • Take point in the spiritual life of the home. Initiate family prayer, lead conversations of depth, and model sacrificial service — don’t wait for your wife to carry the spiritual weight of the household.
  •  Welcome correction. A man secure in his identity as a beloved son of God doesn’t need to be right all the time. When his wife or children say that something hurt them, his first response is humility — not defense.

The Catholic vision of the family roots the relationship between the spouses in their mutual obedience to Christ. Fulfilling that vision doesn’t diminish either spouse’s authority, but roots it in Christ. When both spouses understand that they are called to mutual submission, mutual service, and mutual love, their marriage can become what it was always meant to be: a living sign of Christ’s love for his Church.

For more on leading your family with sacrificial love, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book The Be-DAD-itudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad. And for one-on-one support with difficult marriage dynamics, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

The Three Essential Steps of Real Reconciliation

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It was bad enough that Julie’s mother-in-law and sisters-in-law disrupted her wedding reception so horrendously that the family had to ask them to leave. But even worse, her mother-in-law kept her distance from Julie and her kids for eleven years. When she finally reached out, her “apology” was brief and breezy: “I’m sorry for everything — let’s just move forward.”

“That’s not a sincere apology to me,” Julie told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak during a recent episode of their More2Life radio show. Meanwhile, her husband felt caught in the middle, and the wound from that wedding day had never really closed.

Lisa Popcak could empathize with Julie’s situation. “One of the things that’s really difficult is when you feel that the Lord is asking you to get yourself in right order about forgiving someone, about fixing a relationship, and they don’t want to or they don’t have the insight to, then how do you handle it?” she said during the show opener. “How do you work through that with God? I know that had been a process for me. I’m in a really good place with it, but it was a walk that I had to walk with Jesus to get there.”

In last week’s post, the Popcaks explained the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. This time, the Popcaks are going to help us understand what constitutes a genuine, sincere apology that opens the door to reconciliation. It’s a skill that’s useful whether you’re on the receiving end like Julie or you need to apologize for something yourself.

The Road to Reconciliation

Previously, the Popcaks explained the important difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness, they explained, is something one person can do alone — it’s the decision to surrender the desire to hurt someone for having hurt you. Even better, it is about getting to a place where you are able to want the offending person’s well-being.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, is about doing the work needed to repair and restore the relationship — and that requires more than two words (“I’m sorry”) and a change of subject.

When Dr. Greg helped Julie think through what she needed from her mother-in-law, he laid out three components that every meaningful apology requires.

First, a display of empathy. Somehow, the person who committed the offense needs to show that they understand how much they have hurt the other person. 

Second, a display of integrity. “In other words, ‘You had a right to expect more from me,’” Dr. Popcak explained. “It wasn’t just that you have too thin a skin, or you don’t have a sense of humor, or you just have too high expectations. It’s: You’re right, I was wrong. You had a right to expect more from me, and I blew it, and I’m sorry.”

Third, the offending person needs to offer to fix the harm they caused. This might involve making a concrete proposal about what they want to do to make things right, or it might involve asking the other person what would make it right for them.

“The person who committed the offense has to be willing to listen to what we need them to do to heal the wound they caused,” Lisa said. “Asking them to listen to your needs and to do the work necessary to meet them is not refusing to forgive them. It is what authentic forgiveness and healing requires.”

Julie’s mother-in-law was missing all three things in her apology to Julie; she had offered the form of an apology without any of its substance.

“When a person isn’t capable of doing those three things as part of an apology, that means that they’re not really accepting responsibility, and you can’t trust them to not do it again,” Dr. Popcak explained.

Reconciliation Requires Hard Work from Both People

The work of achieving reconciliation isn’t only the responsibility of the person who caused the offense, though. When we set healthy boundaries with people who have hurt us, our Christian faith requires that we also provide them with a clear way forward.

In Julie’s case, the Popcaks’ advice was to sit down and talk with her husband about what that way forward would look like for his mother. “Talk together about, ‘What would we need to see from your mom to relax this boundary and to know that she’s safe to be around us and our kids?’” That sense of safety includes emotional, not just physical, safety.

This not only helps the offending person know what they need to do to restore the relationship; it also helps the person who has been hurt to objectively evaluate whether that work has been done.

“You can ask yourself, ‘Well, has she done the things that we asked her to do to let those boundaries down?’” Dr. Popcak said. “And you can answer yes or no. And then you make your decision based on an objective criteria, not just how you feel about it.”

The Three Steps of a Real Apology

If someone hasn’t accepted your apology — or you sense that what you’ve offered hasn’t truly landed — here are three ways to move toward the kind of accountability that actually opens doors.

  1. Name the specific harm you caused. Vague apologies (“I’m sorry for everything”) signal that you haven’t really reckoned with what happened. Before you approach someone, ask yourself: Can I name exactly what I did wrong? Can I describe how it hurt them? If not, more reflection is needed first.
  2. Accept what they need without arguing about it. Once you’ve acknowledged the harm, the other person’s response belongs to them. They may need more time than you’d like. They may not be ready to reconcile at all. Accepting that without pressure or manipulation is itself an act of love.
  3. Work out a clear path forward. When the other person is ready to reconcile, work with them to name exactly what needs to happen to repair the harm you caused in the relationship.

Then it’s all about following through. The first three steps are the key that opens the door that has closed between you and the other person; this key allows the possibility of reconciliation. But it is consistent, changed behavior over time that makes it real.

Let God’s Grace In

Knowing these basic elements of real reconciliation provides a road map forward. Of course, when the wounds cut deep, moving through these steps can still be very difficult on both sides. Prayer, Lisa said, is essential to help us do what we can’t otherwise do on our own.

“Involving the Holy Spirit in this really matters,” Lisa said. ”We can’t white-knuckle our way through forgiveness or even come up with a plan without the grace of the Holy Spirit being invited into the situation.”

Real reconciliation can’t be forced or rushed. It grows from genuine accountability, patience, and grace.

“Asking for and receiving forgiveness,” Dr. Greg said, “is just the first step on the road back from hurts.”

If you need extra help with the challenges of giving and receiving forgiveness, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Nice Isn’t Enough: Why Fawning Enables Bad Behavior

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For two decades, Kelly and her family have tiptoed around her sister’s difficult personality and inconsiderate behavior, hoping to avoid setting her off. Eventually, the family began holding get-togethers without telling her.

“I feel so bad because I know she notices,” Kelly shared during a recent episode of More2Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “But she has literally ruined holidays and family parties with her behavior.”

Her question for the Popcaks: Was it okay to keep excluding her difficult sister, or was there a better approach?

Many of us find ourselves in similar positions, whether it is with a sibling, a spouse, or even a child who has “big feelings” that seem to dictate the climate of the entire home. We tell ourselves that by being “nice,” we are being Christian. After all, isn’t one of the spiritual works of mercy bearing wrongs patiently?

But according to the Popcaks, this approach isn’t just ineffective—it’s actually making things worse.

The Fawning Response

You’ve probably heard of fight, flight, or freeze—the brain’s automatic responses to perceived threats. But there’s a fourth response that often masquerades as kindness: fawning.

“When we fawn, what we do is we placate people because we’re afraid of getting in trouble,” Dr. Popcak said. “There are a lot of people who, when we feel threatened, fawn. We say what we feel like we need to say to get the other person to just leave us alone or not rile them up.”

But that tiptoeing, that strategic niceness, that careful management of a difficult person’s emotions—it’s not love, but fear wearing love’s clothing. Fawning doesn’t just enable bad behavior—it actively feeds it.

“The more that difficult person is fawned over, the more they feel empowered, the more they feel like they’re being given permission to be their worst selves,” Lisa Popcak explained. “Fawning…actually makes matters worse for us and for them and their own souls.”

Practicing Fortitude in the Service of Love

This is where Catholic teaching offers clarity, Lisa Popcak said. When we’re in relationship with someone, we’re called to work for three goods simultaneously: our own good, the good of the relationship, and the good of the other person. Enabling someone’s worst behavior serves none of these.

In his book, Love and Responsibility, St. John Paul II offers a different vision. Christians aren’t called to mere niceness, but to authentic love, which means challenging every person, ourselves included, to become their best self.

“More than simply being nice, Christians are really called to exhibit fortitude in the service of love,” Dr. Popcak said. This means “being willing to lovingly address issues that other people might rather ignore, to insist that problems be handled even when it’s uncomfortable, and to persistently but kindly call each other to behave in a manner that reflects our dignity as sons and daughters of God.”

This requires reframing the way we think about interacting with the difficult person, Lisa Popcak said: “This means shifting our mindset from ‘how can I get through this situation without making a fuss or ruffling feathers or causing problems’ to prayerfully asking, ‘Lord, teach me to address this situation in a way that’s charitable, loving, and effective.’ ”

3 Ways to Move from Fawning to Fortitude

The next time you catch yourself fawning in order to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation, keep these tips in mind.

1. Set clear expectations with consequences

Loving someone doesn’t mean tolerating everything they do. When someone’s behavior is consistently hurtful, genuine charity requires honesty.

As Dr. Popcak puts it, you can say something like: “I love you, but you can’t speak to us this way. When you’re ready to calm down and speak to us appropriately, you can come back and we’ll hear what you have to say.”

This isn’t harsh—it’s the same boundary you’d set with a child who was speaking inappropriately. It treats the person as capable of better, which is far more respectful than tiptoeing around them.

2. Use the ‘broken record’ technique

When someone responds to your boundary with defensiveness or escalation, don’t take the bait. Dr. Popcak recommends a simple, repeatable response: “I understand that you’re upset. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d be happy to talk to you about it if you’re able to be respectful with me. But until you can get to that place, I can’t have this conversation with you.”

Repeat as needed.

3. Limit contact to situations the person can handle

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is not invite someone into situations they consistently fail at. This isn’t punishment—it’s protecting them a near occasion of sin.

Dr. Popcak suggested saying something like: “If I invite you into this situation, you’re going to lose it…and people are going to think less of you. It’s going to bring out the worst in you. It’s going to bring out the worst in me. So I don’t want to set us up to fail.”

This approach requires first communicating clearly what would need to change for fuller inclusion—and accepting when someone exercises their God-given free will to take another path.

Cast Out Fear, Embrace Freedom

Remember Kelly, the woman whose family no longer invited her difficult sister to family gatherings?

Greg and Lisa Popcak advised Kelly that her current approach of excluding her sister without clear communication was actually a form of fawning. Instead, they suggested that Kelly clearly communicate that while she desires a relationship with her sister, that can’t happen as long as she persists in her hurtful and disrespectful behaviors at family gatherings. Following up with clearly communicated expectations of what needs to change for the relationship to work leaves the door open to restoring the relationship, while shifting the choice of whether to participate in family gatherings to the sister.

This is true charity, a love that aims to liberate both parties from hurt and harm.

“This is another example of how perfect love casts out fear,” Dr. Popcak said. “God is calling us to a place where we can step out of that fear and that fawning response to act in genuine love, where we can be our best selves and lovingly challenge the people around us to be their best, too.”

For a deeper dive into this topic, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for more personalized help developing the confidence and skills to handle difficult relationships with both charity and effectiveness, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Assertive Isn’t Selfish: A Catholic Guide to Healthy Love

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By Dr. Gregory Popcak

The Theology of the Body reminds us that Christian love is not meant to be one-sided. While we are certainly called to be generous, sacrificial, and attentive to the needs of others, we are not called to ignore or suppress our own needs. In fact, St. John Paul II taught that the key to healthy, holy Christian relationships is “mutual self-giving.” Love flourishes when everyone involved is committed to giving what they can for the good of the other—and to receiving that love in return.

One of the biggest misunderstandings Christians struggle with is the idea that acknowledging our needs—much less asserting them–is somehow contrary to living an authentic Christian life. But TOB teaches us something very different. God is the author of our needs. A need is not just something required to survive; it is anything necessary for us to flourish as the persons God created us to be. Emotional connection, respect, rest, affection, support, and meaning are not luxuries—they are part of God’s design for human life.

When our legitimate needs are met, we thrive. And when we thrive, God is glorified in our flourishing. This means it is not only appropriate but healthy to expect that the people who say they love us will be responsive to our needs, just as we strive to be responsive to theirs. Mutual responsiveness is not selfishness; it is the very structure of love.
This is where the distinction between assertiveness and selfishness becomes essential. A selfish person is focused exclusively on themselves. They want what they want, how they want it, and when they want it, with little concern for how that affects others. Christian assertiveness looks very different. A responsible, assertive Christian is clear and honest about what they need, but also remains flexible and respectful about how and when that need is met. The goal is not control; it is communion.

TOB reminds us that we were created for intimate communion with God and with one another. Intimacy cannot exist where needs are hidden, denied, or dismissed. True closeness grows when we are able to say, “This is what I need,” and when the other person can respond with generosity and care. Likewise, love deepens when we are willing to hear the needs of others without becoming defensive or dismissive.

Of course, expressing needs does not guarantee they will always be met perfectly or immediately. But consistently silencing ourselves out of fear, guilt, or a mistaken sense of holiness leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional distance. That kind of self-erasure does not reflect Christ. Jesus gave Himself completely—but He also rested, withdrew to pray, asked for support, and allowed others to minister to Him. Mutual self-gift always includes mutual care.

Healthy Christian relationships are not about keeping score or demanding perfection. They are about a shared commitment to help one another become more fully alive. When we learn to express our needs clearly and charitably, listen to the needs of others with compassion, and work together to find solutions that respect everyone involved, we begin to experience the kind of love God intended from the beginning.

In that kind of relationship, no one disappears. Everyone is seen. Everyone is invited to give—and to receive. And in that mutual self-giving, the love of God becomes visible in the world.

If you would like support it making this change in your life or relationships, reach out for personal support from our pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Feeling Overwhelmed? Try These Three Simple Steps

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As the holidays approach, are you feeling a little Grinchy? It’s not that you don’t appreciate Advent or celebrating the Nativity; it’s just the stress of holiday expectations layered on top of your normal work and home responsibilities. Anyone would feel overwhelmed, really.

Whether you feel overwhelmed by the holidays or “overwhelmed” is just your default state most weekdays, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have a practical three-step plan for coping.

The ‘It’s All on Me’ Trap

When our stress level rises in sync with our to-do list, our natural tendency is to become overly task focused, the Popcaks said. We convince ourselves that we have to power through on our own and that we won’t feel better until every task is complete.

But that’s a trap.

“When I start feeling overwhelmed, I just want to plow through: ‘I’m going to do this all by myself,’” Dr. Popcak said on a recent episode of the CatholicHŌM Podcast. “And it doesn’t always work as well as it sounds like it should.”

When we try to brute-force our way through stress, we become anxious, snappish, and distant. As Lisa Popcak noted, we push people away, telling ourselves we’re not “allowed” to have connection until after everything is done.

This leaves us feeling more like “human doings” instead of “human beings”—miserable and disconnected from the people we care about. As St. John Paul II pointed out during his catechesis on the Theology of the Body, human beings are first and foremost called to be in relationship with God and one another. We are more than just machines whose only purpose is to “get things done.”

The solution isn’t to work harder; it is to reorient how we work.

Three Steps to Move from Overwhelmed to “Perfectly Whelmed”

To move from a state of frantic overwhelm to being “perfectly whelmed,” (as Dr. Popcak put it), we need a plan that prioritizes relationship over efficiency. Here are three steps the Popcaks recommend.

1.    Stop and Connect with God

The first step is to stop powering through on your own. Reach out for help, beginning with the God who loves you.

For example, you might pray, “Okay, Lord, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m feeling stressed, I got a million things to do. Help me to approach this the way you want me to.”

The focus here matters—it’s about being your best self through the tasks, not just getting them done. You are giving yourself permission to let God lead you through the chaos, rather than tearing through it and hoping God cleans up the mess later.

In a family setting, Lisa Popcak recommends praying out loud with your family during transitional moments, especially as you’re headed into a hectic agenda. Before you even get out of the car to wrestle with that double stroller, stop and pray: “Lord, there’s a lot going on right now. Please help us be our best selves.”

Besides being genuinely helpful in the moment, this habit teaches kids to lean into prayer rather than anxiety. 

2. Focus on Connection Over Task

When we are stressed, we tend to view our family members as obstacles to our goals, the Popcaks said. The antidote is to ask yourself, “How can I do these tasks while staying connected to the people that I love?”

Let’s say you take on a home repair project like replacing a kitchen faucet. The YouTube DIY videos all say it should take half an hour, but one thing leads to another, and two hours later you’re at the end of your rope. Before long, you are growling, sighing, and snapping at any family member who dares poke their head in the kitchen.

But instead of following your natural inclination to push people away, try pulling your people closer. As Dr. Popcak suggested, you might take thirty seconds to say, “You know, what I could really use right now is a hug!” Just holding your family for a moment allows you to breathe in love and let the stress go. And if you are feeling especially stressed out, you might go even further, asking family members to not only give you a long hug, but also to say a prayer over you.

It only takes a minute, but the benefits can be huge, providing a much-needed reset and releasing hormones that help with stress reduction. As an added bonus, you’ll be able to tackle your stressful situation refreshed and with a new perspective that might help on a practical level.

3. Make a Plan to Get Through This Together

Finally, the Popcaks point out that we often fail because we don’t communicate our expectations to our family members or colleagues before the stress hits. To avoid this, you need to have an intentional conversation about how you are going to get through the situation together.

For example, let’s say that tomorrow is going to be a super busy and hectic day. You might sit down with your family and say something like, “Hey, it looks like tomorrow’s going to be kind of a stressful day. What are some things that we can do to stay connected and take care of each other while we do this?”

The holidays are a perfect example. We know they’re coming, and we know they’ll be busy. Instead of charging into December with vague anxiety, sit down with your family or the people you live with and make a plan. What matters most this season? What can we let go? How will we take care of each other when things get hectic?

This step is all about remembering that the people in our lives—whether family, roommates, colleagues, or friends—matter more than crossing items off our lists.

Stronger and Closer for Working Together

So there you have it: instead of trying to go it alone, bring God into the room. Lean on the love and support of your people, and be intentional about communicating expectations and making a plan.

The goal isn’t just surviving stress, Dr. Popcak said—it’s coming through it “stronger and closer for having gone through this together.” 

For an even more in-depth look at handling stress in your life, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book, God Help Me! This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! And if you need one-on one support in handling stress, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com