Burned Out for Christ? Re-order Your Priorities

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Most parishes are blessed with a handful of super-volunteers—the dependable, energetic folks who are the first to say yes when there’s a committee to lead or a project to complete. Parish staff know they can count on them. Fellow parishioners admire them. Their dedication seems unstoppable.

And yet, all that good work can have a dark side, says Dr. Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. All too often, people let their ministry work crowd out other activities that ought to be a higher priority, like connecting with a spouse or taking care of themselves.

And when that happens, trouble often ensues.

Disordered Priorities

The impulse to overload our schedules with ministry and volunteer work is often motivated by a sincere desire to serve God, Kolodziej says.

While that desire to serve God is good in itself, Kolodziej says, where things get off track is when people begin thinking that such work as the most important way they serve God. Their mindset can be: If I’m not doing something for the parish (or another ministry) all the time, I must be failing God.

This mindset can lead to misplaced priorities, where the most important relationships in our lives—our spouse, children, even our relationship with God—start taking a back seat to less essential obligations. Spiritually, it can also result in scrupulosity, or the mistaken idea that we can somehow earn God’s love through our own hard work and sacrifice.

“A lot of people will join various ministries—they’re going to this meeting, they’re going to that meeting, they’re doing this and all kinds of stuff,” Kolodziej says. “And I’ll say (to clients), ‘So all of this ministry work that you’re doing is against what God wants you to do, not that he doesn’t want you to do it, but he wants you to keep your priorities straight.”

For married people, this usually means prioritizing God first, then your spouse, then your kids, then everything else—including volunteer ministry work, he says. This order of priority is inherent to the vocation of marriage; single people will have a different list of priorities, of course.

“The priority that you signed up for when you got married was your family,” he says. “You give your family your first and your best. That is doing what God wants you to do. So if you shirk that responsibility by working in church ministry or anything else—if you’re a workaholic or whatever—you’re shirking what you signed up for that you said you’re going to do.”

Another way Kolodziej sees this tendency toward disordered priorities show up in family dynamics is when children become the center of their parents’ attention, to the detriment of the marriage.

“A lot of people are saying, ‘I’m doing this for the children,’” he says. Parents will say that their kids need their time and attention.

“They do need that, but that’s not the most important thing,” he says. “The most important thing for the children, other than formation in God, is the relationship between mom and dad. That is more important to the child than (the parents) spending time with them. They want to know that mom and dad aren’t going anywhere, that mom and dad love each other.”

The health and stability of the marriage provide the foundation for everything else that goes on in the family, Kolodziej says. “And oftentimes when we have children, we forget about our spouse. Our spouse takes second place, and that is disordered.”

God Wants You to Take Care of Yourself

Another sneaky way priorities get disordered under the guise of “serving God” is when we get so busy taking care of other people, we don’t ever stop to take time for ourselves.

Kolodziej shares the example of a woman who juggled a full-time job, caregiving for elderly parents, and the demands of running a household. She was exhausted and overwhelmed but felt guilty taking time for herself. In her mind, God was calling her to practice ascetic self-sacrifice by putting others’ needs before her own. The problem was, her own needs never got met.

When Kolodziej challenged her to consider how her loved ones were experiencing her burnout, it clicked.

“You’re so burnt out that all you’re giving all these people is a shell, a pulse,” he told her. “You’re not able to do the creative, joyful, life-giving things your family needs. You need self-care in order to be able to then give other people the talents that God has given you.”

Self-care might include quiet prayer, exercise, rest, hobbies, or simply enjoying the beauty of nature. These are not indulgences; they are ways of filling the tank so you can serve others from a place of joy, not depletion.

How to Rebalance Your Priorities

Kolodziej has a few practical tips to help people get back on track with their priorities.

  1.     Learn to say “no.” It can be hard to turn down Father or church staff, but Kolodziej suggests remembering that every “yes” is a “no” to something else. Make sure that you’re saying yes to your heavenly Father before you say yes to the Father at your parish.
  2.     Learn to let go. Sometimes the difficulty isn’t saying “no” to the parish, but saying “no” to ourselves. As much as we’d like to have our hand in everything, we need to let go of the things that are less important and prioritize our time and energy for our main vocation.
  3.     Ask for help. If you’re so busy with the most basic demands of life that you don’t have time for volunteering, then it might be time to ask for help. This might involve asking your workplace for some flexibility, seeking outside help from a social service agency or your church, or asking other members of your family to pitch in more.

The bottom line: If you make sure your priorities line up with God’s priorities, a lot of other things will click into place.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities—or unsure of how to re-balance your life in a healthier, more God-centered way—you don’t have to figure it out alone. A pastoral counselor can walk with you as you discern where to let go, where to say no, and how to embrace the joy God wants to give you. Reach out to a professional pastoral counselor who shares your faith at CatholicCounselors.com.

Pastoral Malpractice

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Pastoral Malpractice

– Dr. Greg Popcak

A physician I know was recently faced a dilemma. A patient of hers on pain medication began engaging in behaviors that made it clear the patient was abusing, and possibly, selling, his meds. The doctor had to refuse to refill the prescription and recommend an alternative course of treatment. The patient stormed out, accusing her of being, “uncaring and unprofessional.”

Sadly, treatments can be abused. When they are, responsible caregivers must refuse those treatments until the problems preventing them from being effective are overcome. The failure to do so can constitute professional malpractice.

The fact is, even the treatments prescribed by the Divine Physician can be abused. God gives us the sacraments to treat the spiritual illness—sin–that damages our relationships with God and others. Normally, these “treatments” should be readily available to every Christian “patient.” The sacraments aren’t rewards for good behavior.  They’re treatments for spiritual disease. But when treatments are abused, they must be refused.

Take Confession. If someone confesses a sin but says he intends to keep committing the same sin, the priest—who functions as a kind of Divine “Physician Assistant” when it comes to the sacraments—is actually obliged to deny absolution.  For pastors to give absolution under such circumstances would be to encourage the sinful behavior and make themselves party to it by spiritually enabling it.

The Eucharist is another example. It’s the ultimate “spiritual treatment” for healing the damage sin does to our relationships with God and others. But this “treatment” isn’t magic. In order for it to be efficacious, the recipient needs to be seeking strength to live the Christian vision of love. If someone receives communion because they want help overcoming the struggles they face in learning to love like Christ, they should never be denied communion because it’s the very “medicine” they are looking for.

But what if someone’s persistent behavior severely wounds the Body of Christ? What if they dedicate themselves to organizing racist rallies? What if they eagerly promote the slaughter of children in the name of “healthcare?” What if this person has been begged dozens—even hundreds–of times to stop wounding the Body of Christ in such a way, but they dismiss those warnings, insisting that what they’re doing is actually good? Let’s further say that this person draws deep personal comfort from being allowed to receive the Eucharist.

Should they? Is it responsible to allow anyone to experience spiritual consolation while they intentionally, persistently, and unapologetically scourged the Body of Christ? In St. Ignatius’ words, wouldn’t such a consolation, in fact, be a desolation of the Enemy?

Of course, God would certainly forgive such a person, but even God can’t forgive someone who doesn’t believe they need it. And to know we need forgiveness, don’t we need to be allowed to feel the separation from God that our actions necessarily cause?

Permitting such a person to receive the Eucharist not only allows him to “eat and drink judgment on himself” (1 Cor 11:29) but also constitutes pastoral malpractice (c.f. Ezekial 3:18).

As the bishops continue to debate whether to allow President Biden to receive communion, they would do well to stop letting  ideologues frame this as a political issue and, instead, take a clear stand against pastoral malpractice. There is nothing “pastoral” about letting people use the Body of Christ as an anesthetic to numb themselves while they abuse the Body of Christ.

Dr. Greg Popcak is the author of many books and the Executive Director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute (CatholicCounselors.com).

When Your Child Stops Believing

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For most Catholic parents, nothing’s more important than raising our kids to be faithful, godly adults. 

Sadly, a study by CARA at Georgetown found that 89% of people who eventually left the Church said they’d actually lost their faith between the ages of 10 and 13. The good news is that there’s a lot you can do to help your kids negotiate their doubts.

When your child expresses doubts about God, begin by thanking them for trusting you, and telling them you’re proud of them.  Why?  Because doubts are a natural part of mature faith development.  

In fact, the reason so many kids lose their faith between 10 and 13 is that they’re transitioning from the “Story and Structure Stage” of faith–that focuses on learning rules, rituals, and stories–to the “Relationship and Mission Stage” where kids need to learn to apply their faith to real life problems.  

This transition comes with lots of questions.  Without patient guidance, kids can start thinking of faith as just a bunch of rules, rituals, and stories that have no real practical bearing on their world.

After you’ve diffused things, start asking questions. Don’t grill them.  Just explain that you’d like to understand what’s going on. In particular, ask if they’re having a hard time applying their faith to some challenge they’re facing.  Nine times out of 10, teens’ faith crises are either caused by difficulties with reconciling their faith with real-life problems, or being led to believe that their faith is an obstacle to having meaningful relationships and finding their place in the world.  

Of course, another reason kids have doubts about God is that they may have never actually MET him!  Going to church isn’t enough. Make sure that you’re praying daily as a family, and when you do, make sure you’re not just saying words at God, but actually modeling how to talk to him as the person who knows you best and loves you most. 

Finally, help your kids express their doubts directly to God. Teach them to pray, “Lord, I’m having a hard time believing in you. Please show me that you are real.”  

For more ideas on how to help your kids through faith struggles, check out Discovering God Together: The Catholic Guide to Raising Faithful Kids.

Bringing Small Children To Mass

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We want our children to appreciate mass, but bringing kids 3 and under to church can seem like walking a tightrope without a net!  It’s easy to think, “What’s the point?.”

Even though small children’s brains haven’t developed enough to completely understand what’s going on, with a little help, they can still appreciate the beauty and the ritual of the mass. And you can help them participate in ways that can be very meaningful to them.

Remember, very small children are in the “Cuddly Stage” of faith development. They need to FEEL God’s love THROUGH you. Keep your little ones close.  Preferably on your lap or in your arms.  Give them lots of affection and quiet attention.

That might seem wrong at first. After all, aren’t you supposed to be paying attention to the mass? Of course! But with small children the goal is to point out the wonder of the smells, bells, sights, and sounds of the mass, and experience it all through their eyes. Let the loving attention you’re giving them remind you of God’s attentive love for you.

Help your little ones participate as best as they can. Teach them when it’s time to kneel, or stand, or bless themselves. At the time of the consecration, you might whisper, “Jesus is coming to show us how much he loves us. Can you say, “I love you, Jesus!’”  

Don’t force them to do these things, but gently encourage them at the right times. They’ll get it eventually. If they get antsy, just hold them close and focus on helping them experience God’s love through you. You might even pray, “Lord, help me show my child how much YOU love them. Hold ME in your arms and help me feel your love for me.”

Other things, like reading the gospel beforehand, and bringing a children’s bible or missal can really help little ones follow along.

You can also give them “special words” to look for throughout the mass like “glory” or “amen” or “and with your spirit.” Ask them to tap you when they hear the special word and reward them with a kiss and a cuddle.

These are just a few tips for bringing small children to mass. For more ideas, check out Discovering God Together: The Catholic Guide to Raising Faithful Kids.

Teaching Kids How To Talk To God

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We all want to teach our children to develop their own faith identity and relationship with God, but how do we do it?

For kids to own their faith, the most important thing is to help them experience Jesus Christ in a meaningful, personal way.

The best way to do that is to teach them to talk to God just as they would talk to the person who knows them best and loves them most—because he does. While FORMAL prayer helps give kids a sense of belonging to God’s family, the Church, CONVERSATIONAL prayer helps kids realize that God is interested in having a more personal relationship with them as well.

The best way to encourage your kids to experience God this way is to model conversational prayer for them.  Let them hear you thanking God for little blessings throughout the day, asking for his help, praying—out loud—about your big and small decisions, and inviting him to be a part of your everyday life.

Of course it’s important to teach them how to do the same thing. When they tell you about something good that happens in their day, tell them how proud or happy you are first, but then say, “Let’s thank Jesus for that together.”  Then help them find the words to thank God, out loud, for that blessing.

If your kids are struggling or hurting—physically or emotionally—by all means attend to their boo-boo’s, or encourage them with whatever support you can give first, but then say, “Let’s ask God for his help with this.”  Then help them talk to God about their struggles the exact same way they would talk to anyone else they needed help from.

Show them how to relate to God as if he was right there next to you, listening, just waiting to be invited to be part of the conversation and to help in any way he can–because of course, he is!

To explore more ways to help your kids fall in love with God and their faith, check out Discovering God Together: The Catholic Guide to Raising Faithful Kids.