How the Saints Can Correct Our Idea of What ‘Holiness’ Looks Like

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You wouldn’t think that a 16th-century prankster would have much to contribute to a modern pastoral counseling practice—but St. Philip Neri is one of pastoral counselor Jacob Flores-Popcak’s go-to saints.

Known as the “Apostle of Rome,” Philip Neri was famous for his holiness—and his humor. Once, he even showed up to a banquet held in his honor with all the hair on one side of his head shaved clean off (eyebrows and beard, too!), smiling and chatting all evening as if nothing were unusual.

For Flores-Popcak, this story captures an often-overlooked truth about emotional and spiritual growth: humility and silliness often go hand in hand. Flores-Popcak often uses Philip Neri’s example in therapy sessions to help clients see how pride can quietly sabotage relationships.

“A lot of the time relationship problems come down to wanting so badly to save face and to be taken seriously,” Flores-Popcak said. “Then I fall into the sin of pride and end up kind of shutting out my capacity for empathy or compassion.”

True humility, he explains, doesn’t mean putting ourselves down; it means being willing to let go of control—even to risk looking foolish for the sake of love. Embracing the role of Neri’s “holy fool” frees up our mind and heart to feel empathy for the other person’s situation. “And that’s going to make me a more effective communicator—and ironically, make sure that I am understood.”

Why the Saints Belong in Pastoral Counseling

A few years ago, Flores-Popcak did a deep dive into the writings of the saints about issues that often come up in pastoral counseling. He found a treasure trove of insights that resonate with the best evidence-based practices of 21st century counselors.

“Let’s recognize that mental health isn’t a new thing,” he said. “Humans have always had brains and relationships. So if someone is sincerely trying to love and serve Christ—which are really the same thing—they’re naturally going to have some good advice about how to live and relate well.

He eventually boiled his project down into twenty quotes that he turned into social media posts. Here’s a sampling:

  • St. Thomas Aquinas: “…a hurtful thing hurts yet more if we keep it shut up… when a man sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with him, striving, as it were, to lessen its weight” (Summa Theologica, Quaestio 38).
  • St. Peter Damian: “But if I were to tell you of all the graces conferred by tears, the day would be at an end before I had finished… Tears bring forth joy from sadness. When they spring from the eyes… they raise us up to the hope of eternal blessedness.”
  • St. Catherine of Siena: “What is it you want to change? Your hair, your face, your body? Why? For God is in love with all those things and He might weep when they are gone” (The Dialogue, 96)
  • St. Philip Neri: “…Let us aim for joy, rather than respectability. Let us make fools of ourselves from time to time, and thus see ourselves, for a moment, as the all-wise God sees us.”
  • St. Ignatius of Loyola: “It is not the soul alone that should be healthy; if the mind is healthy in a healthy body, all will be healthy and much better prepared to give God greater service.”
  • St. Teresa of Avila: “It is a great advantage for us to be able to consult someone who knows us, so that we may learn to know ourselves… As a rule, all our anxieties and troubles come from misunderstanding our own nature.”

The quote that elicited the largest response on social media was the one from St. Peter Damien about the value of tears.

“We had people sharing vulnerably about how their parents had screamed at them or even hit them for crying, telling them to ‘offer it up.’ And then here’s a Doctor of the Church talking about the importance of letting yourself cry—both psychologically and spiritually,” Flores-Popcak said. “For a lot of people, it was eye-opening to realize that maybe their parents were wrong—that the Church actually values tears as something holy and healing.”

The Saints Didn’t Have It Easy

Flores-Popcak is not the only pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com who brings the saints into their counseling sessions. Often, counselors will bring up the lives of the saints to offer their clients encouragement.

“We think of saints as being these perfect people with perfect faith, but they were truly people who had difficulties in their life,” says pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac. “It wasn’t about being perfect or not struggling with things, but the conviction to continue to turn to God and not let struggles define them that made them the saints we know.”

Another pastoral counselor, Grant Freeman, challenges clients to think about where Mary’s deep peace came from. It would be simplistic to think that being “full of grace” meant that she had it easy. But if you think about it, he said, the Joyful Mysteries could really be dubbed the “Nightmare Mysteries.”

“The Annunciation: Unmarried pregnancy that will likely be perceived negatively. The Visitation: 90-mile journey with morning sickness,” he said. “Christmas: Not necessarily a cakewalk; also, slaughter of the innocents. Presentation: Simeon and Anna aren’t necessarily harbingers of joy. Finding in the temple? In the modern era, a CPS incident.”

His point is that Mary’s peace was really grounded in deep trust in the Lord’s providence.

Counselor Andy Proctor said he often points clients to saints who overcame painful family histories. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and St. Martin de Porres are favorite examples; both of them experienced instability and rejection early in life yet grew into people of deep compassion. Their stories, he says, offer hope to anyone still healing from their past: your history may shape you, but it doesn’t have to define you. Grace can transform even the hardest beginnings into holiness.

St. Maximilian Kolbe: Choosing the Adult Mindset

Of course, the saints also provide a model navigating those difficulties. For Ron LaGro, St. Maximilian Kolbe is the ultimate example of emotional maturity—what therapists call an adult mindset.

Kolbe’s calm courage in Auschwitz showed that he refused to let emotions or circumstances dictate his choices. Even in a starvation bunker, he remained centered and purposeful, leading other prisoners in hymns as they died together.

LaGro contrasts this with what he calls the child mindset—blaming others or situations for one’s actions. “People say, ‘I’d do the right thing, but my spouse…’ or ‘but my situation…’ That’s the misery-making mindset,” he said. “Kolbe shows what it looks like to stay centered, responsible, and free—even in the darkest places.”

The Saints Show Us the Way

From Philip Neri’s playful humility to Mary’s steadfast trust and Kolbe’s self-possession, the saints model the kind of emotional and spiritual maturity that leads to lasting peace. They show us that holiness and wholeness are two sides of the same coin—each born from grace cooperating with human effort.

This All Saints Day, consider which saint speaks to your own struggles right now. What lesson might God be offering you through their story?

And if you’d like help applying that wisdom in your own life, reach out to a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. 

From Struggle to Strength: Letting ‘Glimmers of God’ Light the Way

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Ever had one of those mornings when nothing goes right? Your coffee spills, your kids are squabbling before breakfast, and your dog decides the rug looks better with a new chew-hole design. Then, you spend ten minutes looking for your keys and end up being late for your appointment. It’s the sort of start that could foul anyone’s outlook for the rest of the day.

But maybe it doesn’t even take that much to put you in a negative mood. Maybe you have a more “melancholic” personality, or you struggle with depression.

Whatever the cause, having a negative mindset never makes the day go better; in fact, it’s more likely to make things worse.

So, how do you break out of that negative mindset so you can navigate the day’s challenges with peace—and even a touch of joy?

Judi Phillips, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute, suggests what she calls “glimmers” as one antidote for life’s daily stresses.

Wait, What Exactly Is a Glimmer?

Let’s revisit the rough morning that we just described. If you look a little closer, you might just spot some “glimmers of goodness”: one of those squabbling kids spontaneously gives you the tightest hug; the dog (the mischievous rug designer), looks up at you with unconditional love. Outside, the sky is an amazing shade of blue, a welcome relief after a week of overcast skies.

These are glimmers—simple moments of goodness that, once you notice them, have the power to shift your mood from gloomy to grateful.

“The idea is that when we’re purposeful and intentional in looking for those glimmers, we begin to have a shift in our mindset,” Phillips says. “We begin to experience life in a more joyful way than if we’re just stuck in the negative, or if we’re stuck in the worries of things.”

Rewiring Your Brain’s Negativity Bias

One reason it can feel easier to focus on the negative is that our brains come hardwired to notice what’s wrong and to highlight bad experiences. That trait helped humans avoid predators and other threats for hundreds of thousands of years. But today, rather than keeping us alive, this negativity bias tends to make us stressed, anxious, and frankly, pretty cranky.

But neuroscience research shows that practicing gratitude literally reprograms our brains. “Anxiety can’t coexist with gratitude,” Phillips says. “When we’re intentionally grateful, our brain shifts its focus and literally starts seeing life through a new lens.”

At the biological level, looking for these “glimmers of goodness” gradually strengthens our brain’s “glimmer-spotting” neural pathways so that, eventually, this more positive outlook becomes a habit.

The beauty of glimmers is that they don’t have to be major wins. “For someone wrestling with clinical depression, just getting out of bed or brushing their teeth can be a genuine glimmer,” Phillips notes. It’s these tiny celebrations that spark a more positive outlook, step by incremental step.

Glimmers of God’s Presence

There is a spiritual dimension at work in this practice, too, Phillips says, in that these glimmers connect us to God.

“It can help us to recognize God’s presence with us, because we know that God is the one who ensures any good thing,” Phillips says. “And so anytime we’re experiencing goodness, that is evidence of God being there with us.”

Connecting with God in these little ways throughout the day can provide us with the grace we need to overcome nearly any challenge. Just consider the various heroes of the Nazi concentration camps: Venerable Angela Maria Autsch, known as the “Angel of Auschwitz,” uplifted fellow prisoners with her humor and kindness. Blessed Franciszek Dachtera maintained such a cheerful demeanor despite being subjected to tortuous medical experiments, other prisoners nicknamed him “Cherubnik.” Similarly, Venerable Emil J. Kapaun ministered to his fellow prisoners of war in North Korea with a sense of humor.

These people were able to rise above really awful circumstances not on their own, but because of their deep relationship with God—and their ability to recognize God present and working even amid great evil. Of course this does not mean that we “should just be happy” in the midst of difficulty, but recognizing God in our situation helps us to navigate the difficulty and take healthy action in a more peaceful and effective way. 

Getting Started Spotting Glimmers

So, these glimmers sound great—but how do you get started, especially if your default mindset tends to be negative?

Phillips recommends making it a daily habit to write down a list of glimmers from the day. Choose a time that is connected with some other habit: eating a meal, brushing your teeth, getting ready for bed.

“Keep a notebook by your bed, or near your toothbrush,” she suggests. “Make it as easy as possible.”

Do this at least once a day—or more often, if you can.

At first, you might struggle to come up with even a handful of glimmers in a day. Or you might find yourself repeatedly thankful for coffee, chocolate, or Netflix (no judgment). But Phillips challenges clients to be specific and varied. If you thanked God for coffee yesterday, try something new today—maybe the quirky barista who made your morning brighter.

You can put a fun twist on this assignment by writing each day’s glimmers on colorful Post-it Notes that you then post on a door, refrigerator, or somewhere else you’ll see them regularly.

A Life-Changing Habit

Phillips has seen this practice bring about dramatic change in the lives of her clients.

“It’s incredible,” she says. “It’s like a night and day difference. Those who begin to practice it and are faithful to it, they just report being more happy in their lives, they report a greater awareness of God being with them and having a sense of his presence with them day in and day out. 

“Also, even if they hit a place where they’re having difficulty…they’re much better able to manage it without falling in a ditch, so to speak, where they go back down in that really dark place. So there’s a huge payoff to practicing it.”

And the best part? The more you practice, the easier it gets. “After a few months, people go from naming just one or two glimmers a day to noticing dozens,” she adds.

So here’s your mission: tonight, before bed—or tomorrow morning while brushing your teeth—take two minutes to jot down at least three glimmers from the past 24 hours. No repeats! It could just change your life.

And if you find yourself needing a little extra help along the way—especially if you’re dealing with persistent negativity, anxiety, or depression—reach out to Judi Phillips and or any of our pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Because, really, life is way too short to miss out on those tiny, wonderful glimmers of joy.

Feeling Safe: More Than Stepping Out of Your Shell

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Do you ever feel like you’re just scuttling through life, always on the lookout for ways to protect yourself from disappointment, criticism, disaster, or failure?

We humans have an innate desire to feel safe, says Jacob Flores-Popcak, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. We want to feel physically safe, of course, but we also crave a sense that, whatever life throws at us emotionally, physically, or spiritually, we’ll be able to meet—and survive—the challenge.

This desire is natural and good, but sometimes people try to secure that sense of “existential safety,” as Flores-Popcak puts it, in ways that backfire. To help clients understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy ways of coping, he asks them an amusing question: Are you living more like a hermit crab or a sea turtle?

Let’s take a closer look at what he means by that—and why it matters.

The Hermit Crab Mentality

Hermit crabs are small creatures with soft, vulnerable abdomens that protect themselves by living in discarded sea snail shells. As they grow, they must find progressively larger shells, meaning that they’re constantly on the lookout for a more suitable shell their entire lives.

Many people approach life in a similar way, Flores-Popcak says.

“We scuttle along the beach of life, searching for a shell to protect us from threats,” he says. This “shell” is a strategy or ritual that can take many different forms: obsessive behaviors, scrupulous rule-following, or withdrawing from society, for instance.

But even if we find a “shell” that calms our fear for a while, we eventually “outgrow” it and need an even bigger, more complicated behavior or habit to restore that feeling of control.

“For example, a socially anxious person might at first avoid some large gatherings to feel safe,” Flores-Popcak explains. “But over time, as the anxiety worsens, the person may widen the scope of social situations they avoid. Eventually, they may feel it is better to avoid social contact altogether.”

Similarly, someone with obsessive-compulsive tendencies might begin with small rituals, like checking the stove once before leaving the house.

“Soon,” Flores-Popcak says, “that ritual might take hours, because as the anxiety grows, the need for bigger and bigger ‘shells’ keeps growing too.”

The problem isn’t the desire for safety itself—it’s the belief that safety is something external, something we need to find or control outside of ourselves. This mindset leaves us perpetually anxious and reactive, searching for the next thing to make us feel secure.

The Freedom of the Sea Turtle

The alternative, Flores-Popcak says, is to understand that God did not make us to be hermit crabs, scuttling along the beach of life in constant search for a big enough shell.

Instead, we need to understand that God made us to be like sea turtles. Unlike the hermit crab, whose shell is external, the sea turtle’s shell is part of its body.

“Sea turtles aren’t compelled to run around in a panic, constantly looking for an adequate shell.” Flores-Popcak continues. “They sense threats, of course, but aren’t controlled by them. They can take risks. They move slowly and assuredly, knowing they’re already protected. Most importantly, their sense of safety grows with them. Likewise, our sense of safety is meant to be an integral part of who we are, not something we have to find outside ourselves. An internal grounding that leaves us open to meaningful relationships and experiences.”

Living like a sea turtle means embracing the truth that your safety comes from within. For Christians, this safety is rooted in the knowledge that God’s love and grace are always with us.

“Christ’s passion, death, and resurrection consecrated us to himself,” Popcak-Flores says. “Our safety isn’t found in external rituals or achievements—it’s found in him, dwelling within us.”

Moving Toward Emotional Safety

If you find yourself stuck in the hermit crab mentality, take heart: change is possible. The first step is to pause and ask yourself a simple question: What would I do if I already knew I was safe?

Flores-Popcak elaborates: “What would it look like for me to approach this if I already knew I was safe? How would I approach this thing I’m about to do differently if doing that thing wasn’t what made me safe, but instead I was already safe—and that safety rested within me?”

The first time you try it, you might feel uneasy because your old way feels so ingrained, he says. “That first step is always going to be the hardest, because you will be taking a risk—a gamble, as it were—on the possibility that you’re safe. You won’t believe it until after you’ve already done it.”

But, he continues, “even if you don’t fully believe it yet, imagining what it would look like to act from a place of safety – what you’d allow yourself to do if you already felt that safe feeling – can give you a vision for a different way of life.”

Start with something small, he says. “You don’t have to dive headfirst into something that feels terrifying. Take one tiny step. For instance, if you’re socially anxious, maybe you text a friend instead of avoiding contact altogether. If you’re struggling with obsessive-compulsive behaviors, try waiting a few minutes before allowing yourself to act on a ritual.”

Over time, these small risks can build confidence and reinforce the truth that your safety isn’t dependent on external circumstances.

“When you act from a place of safety, even in small ways, you start to internalize the truth that God has made you whole and capable,” Flores-Popcak says.

For those who struggle to feel this safety, seeking support can make all the difference. If you’re ready to move from anxiety and control to confidence and freedom, consider reaching out to a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Going On A Bear Hunt–Understanding The Relationship Between Prayer and Powerful Emotions

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Whether trauma, depression, anxiety, anger, or other strong feelings are causing us problems, turning to God in prayer is always a good idea. After all, God loves us and always wants to help us become more fully alive—more fully ourselves.

But in order to really benefit from prayer, we must “also learn how to pray,” as the Catechism of the Catholic Church says (#2650). It’s no wonder the Catechism spends more than three hundred paragraphs on the topic of how to pray.

When it comes to mental health, one trap that people sometimes fall into is treating prayer as a way to avoid the strong feelings that come with a crisis, according to Jacob Flores-Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com.

“An unhealthy relationship to prayer says, ‘Help me climb up above this thing,’” Flores-Popcak said in a recent interview. Underlying that impulse is often the assumption that “spiritual things are higher than these base, awful, physical things like feelings.”

But the view that physical things—and by extension, our emotions—are to be shunned or avoided simply isn’t Catholic, Flores-Popcak said. In fact, this attempt to detach from embodied feelings is more in line with Buddhism or, within the Christian tradition, the old dualistic heresy known as Manichaeism.

The Christian tradition says that feelings are given to us by God for a reason, Popcak said: in fact, they are invitations to go deeper.

“There is no point at which any character, any person in scripture just prays a feeling away,” Flores-Popcak explained. On the contrary, the Bible is full of people who openly embraced their feelings. Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus, for example, and expressed his anxiety openly to his Father in the Garden of Gethsemane.

“Feelings are meant to help us bond with other people and they’re meant to help us get certain needs met,” Flores-Popcak explained. “So to pray away a feeling is to pray away an opportunity for connection, and it’s to pray away a need.”

He continued: “God gives us our needs, and God calls us to relationships. Both of those things are, at their core, godly things. If I’m trying to just get rid of that, it’s gonna end up feeling like I’m just repressing the feeling, and it’s just going to come raging back later.”

It’s like the children’s song, “Going on a Bear Hunt,” Flores-Popcak said, in which the hunters come to an insurmountable mountain that blocks the path forward: “The refrain of that song is, ‘Can’t go around it, can’t go over it—gotta go through it.’ We’ve gotta go into that tunnel, into that bear’s den.”

Similarly, prayer is not meant to help us go “over” or “around” our feelings of anguish, anxiety, or sadness. “Prayer is supposed to help me go deeper into it, to find the truth at the center of it, or even on the other side,” Flores-Popcak said. In the Catholic mystical tradition, every challenge is “an opportunity to go deeper into my knowledge of myself, deeper into my knowledge of Christ, and deeper in relationship with other people.”

What does this look like? Instead of trying to pray away your feelings, try praying with these questions:

  1. “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this feeling?”
  2. “How do you want me to respond to the need at the center of this feeling?”
  3. “How do you want me to grow closer to you and to the people around me as a result of experiencing this feeling?”

Such questions align with the example of spiritual masters such as St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Teresa of Avila, and others, all of whom advise that instead of running away from feelings we’d rather not be experiencing, we ought to plunge deeper into their depths, accompanied by Christ and supported by friends—so that we can emerge stronger and more connected to God, ourselves, and the people around us.

If you need help managing your mental health and want to do so in a way that draws on your Catholic faith, reach out to Jacob Flores-Popcak or any of the other Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Three Powerful, God-Given Anxiety-Busting Tools Anyone Can Use

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God never promised anyone a stress-free life, but he did give us some powerful strategies for handling it.

For Christians, prayer is a first line of defense, leading us to rely on God and trust in his care for us. But we are not purely spiritual creatures; God gave us bodies, too, and he equipped our bodies with some natural anxiety-busting defenses.

Counterintuitively, the first step in combating anxiety isn’t attacking whatever external stressor that’s causing it. Instead, the first step is boosting our bodies’ natural capacity to fight stress. By engaging our body’s natural defenses, the problem-solving part of our brain has the room it needs to come up with effective strategies for dealing with the external problem(s) causing our anxiety.

Here are three ways to boost your body’s natural stress-busting defenses. You have probably already heard about the importance of sleep, exercise, and nutrition for fighting anxiety. These practices aren’t exactly groundbreaking, but a wealth of research continues to support their importance. 

1. Sleep: Time for Healing Your Worried Brain

Quality sleep is essential for maintaining good mental health. According to the National Sleep Foundation, adults need between seven and nine hours of sleep each night to fully recharge and restore their body’s natural stress-fighting abilities. When we’re well-rested, our bodies produce hormones that heal tissue damage and reduce cortisol levels, the stress hormone that can wreak havoc on our mental state. In the deepest stages of sleep, our brains integrate learning and memory, helping us adapt to stress more effectively.

To promote healthy sleep, try establishing a regular bedtime routine. Reflect and journal about the day’s events, avoid caffeine before bed, and stop work at least an hour before hitting the hay. Engaging in light exercise, creating a cool and dark sleep environment, and avoiding clock-watching can also help. And a study by Baylor University found that writing out a to-do list for the next day can significantly speed up the time it takes to fall asleep, easing the anxious mind.

Prayer can be a powerful way to wind down before sleep, too. Instead of fighting drowsiness, bring your concerns to God and rest in His love. Focus on your breathing and remember that each breath is a gift from Him. As you exhale, silently say, “Jesus, I trust in You,” and let yourself drift off in the arms of the God who cares for you.

Exercise: Strengthening Body and Mind

We often hear that exercise is good for our physical health, but its benefits for mental health are just as significant. According to researchers at the Mayo Clinic, exercise helps fight anxiety by producing endorphins, the body’s natural opioids that create a sense of well-being. Aerobic exercise, in particular, facilitates the creation of new nerve cells in the hippocampus, a brain structure crucial for managing stress and emotions.

You don’t need to spend hours at the gym to reap the benefits of exercise. The American College of Sports Medicine recommends high-intensity interval training (HIIT), which involves short bursts of vigorous activity followed by brief periods of rest. This type of exercise can be completed in just seven minutes a day and has been shown to produce molecular changes in muscles similar to those produced by several hours of biking or running.

You can pray as you exercise, too, telling God about your challenges and entrusting them to his providence, or thanking God for the abilities of your body as you exercise. 

Nutrition: Fueling Your Body and Mind

Finally, don’t overlook the important role of nutrition. Healthy foods and certain dietary supplements can be powerful medication for your body and mind.

A balanced diet rich in essential nutrients helps reduce anxiety and improves overall well-being. Foods high in magnesium (like leafy greens, legumes, and nuts), zinc (such as oysters, cashews, and beef), probiotics (found in yogurt, sauerkraut, and pickles), and B vitamins (from avocados and almonds) support the production of neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. These neurotransmitters play a crucial role in regulating mood and reducing stress.

In addition to a healthy diet, certain supplements have been shown to be effective in fighting anxiety. Valerian root, rhodiola, lemon balm, passionflower, ginkgo biloba, and chamomile are recommended by the American Psychiatric Association’s Task Force on Complementary and Integrative Medicine for their anxiety-reducing properties. Lavender oil capsules have even been found to be as effective as the prescription anti-anxiety drug lorazepam, without the sedative side effects and risk of dependence.

Think of food and supplements as tools provided by God to help us maintain our mental and physical health. By eating responsibly and using natural treatments where possible, we can strengthen our body’s stress-fighting abilities and manage daily stressors more gracefully. 

This article is adapted from Dr. Gregory Popcak’s book, Unworried: A Life Without Anxiety. Check out the book for a more in-depth discussion of these practices, as well as other ways of harnessing your body’s natural stress-busting defenses. And if you’re looking for more one-on-one help dealing with anxiety, or managing challenges, get in touch with a licensed therapist at CatholicCounselors.com.

Paralyzed by Powerful Emotions? Here’s How to Break Free

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Have you ever been so overwhelmed by your emotions, it was next to impossible to take action to solve your problems?

If so, you’re not alone. This “emotional paralysis” is one of the most common problems that Judi Phillips, MS, LMHC, sees in her counseling practice.

“This is something I talk about with my clients all the time,” Phillips said. But she tells her clients that no matter how stuck or trapped they feel, “there is always something you can do; there is always a way forward.”

During a recent conversation, Phillips, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute, outlined exactly how she helps her clients get off the emotional treadmill so they can take practical steps to move forward.

 

Recognizing Emotional Paralysis

Anxiety is one of the most common ways that people get paralyzed by their emotions—in this case, fear and worry. But the problem can crop up in other contexts, too. College students might feel so overwhelmed by everything they have to do (especially at the end of the semester), they don’t even know where to begin.

Emotional paralysis shows up in relationships, too.

When Phillips does marriage counseling, for instance, her clients often want to begin by describing the problem they’re having with their spouse. But it is usually fruitless to address the surface-level conflict without first addressing what’s going on inside each person: guilt, anger, sadness, grief, and so on.

“I say to them, ‘Okay, I understand. But let’s go back to what’s going on within you. You know, what are you feeling?” she said. “What do you have to do to help yourself so that you can effectively communicate to the other person?  You know, if you’re angry or sad or overwhelmed or whatever it is, you have to first acknowledge that, because if you’re not able to acknowledge that, you’re going to continue to put the problem out there on (the other person). And you’re going to continue to spin around and feel powerless. And that’s not at all where God intends us to be.”

 

God Gave Us the Tools We Need to Move Forward

The fact that God doesn’t want us to get trapped by our emotions is revealed in Scripture, of course, but also in the Theology of the Body. (The Theology of the Body is based on a series of lectures given by Pope John Paul II that explored how God’s design of the human body reveals his purpose for us.)

Phillips said that the dual functionality of our brain—its emotional side and its reasoning side—demonstrates that while God intends for us to experience emotions, he doesn’t want us to be held hostage by them. The brain’s very design allows us to use our intellect, will, and reason to understand and manage our emotions.

Consciously naming what we are feeling enables us to begin addressing them, taking concrete steps that will move us toward the way we would prefer to feel.

People who are trapped by their emotional state often believe that once they feel differently, they will be able to take action to address their problems, Phillips said. “We say something like, ‘If I only felt…, then I would….’ But the truth is, we have to act first, and then the healthy feeling will follow.”

 

3 Steps for Breaking Free and Taking Action

Here are the three steps Phillips uses to guide clients from emotional turmoil to empowerment:

  1.       Identify your feelings. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” This step is crucial for acknowledging your current emotional state. At the same time, you can also name how you would prefer to be feeling.

“You’re honoring yourself in the way that God created you,” Phillips said. “And when you do that, you’re able to get more clarity about what is going on.”

To take the college student example, you might say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious because I have so much to do, I don’t know where to begin, and I am afraid I won’t get everything done on time.”

Bonus points if you write this down: the act of writing engages the brain more holistically.

  1.       Understand the cause. Ask, “What is it that’s causing this feeling?” Only by identifying the real-world cause(s) of your negative emotions can you begin to take steps to address those causes.

Continuing with our college student example, you might sit down and write out every single thing you have to do by the end of the semester.

  1.       Take action. This step has two parts:
  2.       First, figure out what you need to do to regulate your out-of-control emotions. There are many ways to do this, but one method Phillips likes involves listening to the rosary sung in Gregorian chant; the rhythm of the chant helps to re-tune our own internal rhythm, she said.
  3.       Make a plan, then act. Finally, ask, “What steps can I take to help me feel better?” Identify what specific actions you can take to move you toward your preferred emotional state. The college student, for example, might create a calendar or schedule that lists how she will tackle the tasks she needs to get done.

Phillips asks her clients who suffer from anxiety to write out all their worst-case scenarios. Then, she has them write down a plan naming how they would respond in each situation.

 

A Spiritual Practice to Boost Your Well-Being

Anyone who is familiar with the spiritual practice of the daily examen, also known as the Ignatian examen, might recognize some similarities between the method described by Phillips and the examen.

Like the examen, Phillips recommends checking in with yourself several times a day. As a spiritual practice, this works just as well with positive emotions.

“If I’ve been out in nature, walking, and it’s just a beautiful day, and I ask myself that question, ‘How am I feeling right now? I’m feeling really joyful.’ And what is it that’s causing that? The beauty of nature.

“Then: ‘What can I do to help myself?’ Well, there isn’t anything I really need to do to help myself, but I’m just going to acknowledge it, and by acknowledging it, I’m honoring myself in the way God created me to be.

“And then, thirdly, ‘What do I need to do about this?’ I don’t need to do anything other than offer a prayer of thanksgiving to God. I’m going to just acknowledge it, appreciate it, and thank God for the beauty of his creation.”

Incorporating this practice into your daily routine can significantly enhance your mental health and quality of life. Phillips notes that her clients who consistently apply these steps quickly gain self-awareness and change the way they tackle the problems life throws their way.

“It’s life changing,” Phillips said, “because you realize, first of all, I can always understand myself. Secondly, because of that, I can always find a way forward.”

If you would like more help with this or another mental health topics, reach out to Judi Phillips or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.