Six More Tools for Your Parenting Tool Box

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In a recent post, we looked at the first six practices in Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Discipleship Discipline Toolbox: rituals and routines, collecting, team-building, catching kids being good, virtue-prompting, and do-overs.

Each of these tools are ways that parents can practice Discipleship Discipline, the authoritative (not authoritarian!) approach to discipline inspired by St. John Bosco’s “Preventitive Method.” In this approach, parents focus on teaching kids how to be virtuous. Instead of taking on the role of police officer and judge, enforcing rules and handing out punishments, Discipleship Discipline parents take on the role of a good coach who helps the child to not only follow the rules of the game, but to develop the skills needed to play at the top of her game. (For more about Discipleship Discipline, see “Why Discipleship Discipline Helps Kids and Parents Thrive” and “To Raise Healthy, Happy, Holy Kids, Start with a Game of Catch.”)

Now, let’s look at the next six tools: rehearsing, time-ins, emotional temperature taking, time outs (done right), sibling revelry, and logical consequences.

7. Rehearsing & Reviewing

When kids repeatedly struggle in the same situations, parents often resort to nagging or scolding. But as the Popcaks remind us, “telling kids to do something differently rarely works.”

That’s where rehearsing (or for teens, reviewing) can be helpful. Rehearsing means practicing good behavior before the problem arises again.

For instance, if your children ran wild during the last grocery trip, you don’t just hope for better behavior next time. Instead, you come up with a plan (e.g., your kids will hold your hand or the side of the cart). You walk through the plan with them, and even practice in the parking lot before going in.

Teens don’t necessarily need the same physical rehearsal of good behavior, but they still need your help thinking through a plan for how to handle a challenging situation better in the future. If your teenager ends up drinking at a party, for example, you might impose a meaning­ful consequence. But you would also help him do better in the future by talking through how things went wrong and making a plan for avoiding or negotiating that situation going forward.

Rehearsing and reviewing isn’t about compromising your expectations for your kids’ behavior. Instead, it’s about giving them the strategies and skills they need to meet those expectations.

8. Time-In

When kids are overwhelmed by stress or even excitement, they become dysregulated. In other words, they literally lose access to their brain’s self-control systems. The result: meltdowns, disrespect, and other poor behavior.

A time-in counters this by engaging the child warmly, often with touch, listening, and empathy. Unlike the better-known time out, a time-in brings parent and child closer together. It’s a chance to reconnect, regulate emotions, and then move forward peacefully. Time-ins can be short and simple: taking a child on your lap to let them calm down, talking through their feelings while rubbing their back, or planning special one-on-one time when they seem “off”: doing a project together, going for a walk, or eating out, for instance. The time-in might include some shared problem-solving, too (see “Team-Building”).

Parents often resist this strategy because they view it as rewarding bad behavior. But time-ins are really about refilling your child’s “emotional gas tank” so they have the resources to regulate their behavior again.

9. Emotional Temperature-Taking

Parents often say their kids go from “zero to 100” in seconds. But children often show warning signs long before a full-blown meltdown. The Popcaks encourage parents to learn their child’s “emotional temperature,” a scale from 1 to 10 that measures how regulated (or dysregulated) they are based on behavioral cues.

At a 1–3, your child is calm, affectionate, and capable of cheerful obedience. At a 6 or 7, stress chemicals are rising; you may notice fidgeting, sighing, or eye-rolling. By 9 or 10, the filters are gone: tantrums, hostility, or withdrawal take over.

The gift of this tool is awareness. By noticing signs at a 6 or 7, you can step in with collecting or a quick time-in before things unravel. Kids can also be taught to monitor their own “temperature,” giving them language to say, “I’m at a 7 — I need a hug or a break.” This helps kids build lifelong emotional intelligence.

10. Time-Outs (Making Them Work)

Simply sending a child to their room is not discipline; it’s isolation, and it rarely produces lasting change. A proper time-out is not a punishment, but an opportunity to reset and practice doing better.

Time-outs should not be your first-line strategy; rather, this approach should only be used when kids are at an 8 or above on the emotional temperature scale. When done properly, timeouts follow a clear process:

  1. Attempt collecting first. If your child is at an 8 or above on the emotional temperature scale, they may resist regulation. At that point, you can explain that a time-out is a chance to calm down.
  2. Escort them to a quiet, safe spot. No toys, no devices, not their bedroom. The goal isn’t entertainment but space for regulation.
  3. After the time is up, check in to see whether your child is self-regulated (at a 5 or less on the emotional temperature scale) — don’t let them “release themselves.”
  4. Finally, take a moment for learning and skill-building. The child names what went wrong, apologizes sincerely, identifies a better choice, and rehearses it with you.

Throughout this process, the parent calmly frames the time-out as the break both parent and child needs in order to figure out how to work things out together.

11. Sibling Revelry

Sibling conflicts can leave parents feeling like constant referees. Instead of endlessly deciding “who started it,” the Popcaks recommend teaching kids how to reconcile through what they call “sibling revelry.” Here’s how it works: first, use virtue-prompting — “What would be the generous or respectful way to handle this?” If the conflict escalates and collecting or time-ins do not help, send both chil­dren to a time-out with the assignment to think about what they personally could have done to make the situation better.

After the time is up, check in with each child separately to see whether they can name how they could have made the situation better.

When they can do this, bring them back together to admit what they did wrong (with no qualifica­tions), apologize sincerely, state how they will do better, and role-play the healthier response. Finally, end with a group hug.

This method avoids blame games and teaches siblings that they always have the power to make things better, even when they are feeling frustrated.

12. Logical Consequences

The final tool in the Popcaks’ toolbox is logical consequences. Logical conse­quences are not punishments. Punishments impose pain on a child in the hope that if they suffer enough for bad behavior, they will magically learn to how to self-regulate and behave virtuously.

By contrast, logical consequences flow directly from the misbehavior and lead to the desired appropriate behavior. Further, they give kids a chance to practice the virtues and skills they need to do better in the future.

For example, if a teen keeps flouting his parents’ expectation for not using his phone during family time, the parents might take his phone privilege away for a week. During that week, his parents guide him in practicing the virtues that he would need in order to do better — in this case, showing love and respect for his family.

Other examples include practicing morning routines on Saturdays if a child struggles to get ready on school days, or redoing sloppy homework under a parent’s supervision. The key is consistency and clarity: privileges return only when the child shows they’re ready to handle them responsibly.

Logical consequences don’t punish. They create a structure that builds the very skills kids need for long-term success.

Shepherding with Love

These six tools — rehearsing, time-ins, emotional temperature-taking, time-outs, sibling revelry, and logical consequences — equip parents to lead their children as loving shepherds, not drill sergeants. Discipline done this way doesn’t just correct bad behavior. It strengthens attachment, builds virtue, and shows children that they are loved even when they struggle.

For the full set of tools and more practical guidance, pick up a copy of Parenting Your Kids with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support in your parenting journey, consider joining the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

Family Prayer Doesn’t Need to be Complicated

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Do you want to pray more as a family but struggle to make it happen? If so, you’re not alone. A 2015 study by the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) and Holy Cross Family Ministries found that only 17 percent of Catholic families ever pray together regularly.

The parents gave lots of different reasons for not praying together with family members: busy schedules, lack of shared beliefs, and not knowing how, among other reasons.

Whatever might be preventing your family from praying more together, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have two messages for you. First, praying together as a family will not only Strengthen your whole family’s relationship with God, but with one another as well. And second, developing a regular habit of praying together may not be as difficult as you think.

In fact, family prayer often works best when it is simple, heartfelt, and woven into the natural flow of your day, the Popcaks said in a recent video presentation to parish groups exploring the CatholicHŌM program.

 Here are a few tips for getting started.

1. Adjust Your Image of What Family Prayer Can Be

Often, the biggest impediment to families praying together is our image of what it necessarily looks like. If we imagine that family prayer needs to be:

  •       long and quiet
  •       formal or rote
  •       a certain form of prayer (e.g., the rosary, shared intentions)

…then it might feel difficult to pull off, or alternatively, not worth the trouble.

But as the Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, at its most fundamental, prayer is really about being in the presence of God (#2565). The Catechism describes it as a “relationship,” a “conversation,” or “a close sharing between friends” (#2709).

Understanding this broad definition of prayer opens up lots of possibilities. It also gives families permission to enter into relationship with God in a way that makes the most sense for their particular situation.

While many parents aspire to prayer that looks a lot like what happens in a monastery, seminary, or adoration chapel, family spirituality isn’t so much about withdrawing from the world in order to be with God as much as it is about bringing Christ into the world.

Dr. Greg calls this an “incarnational” spirituality: “We don’t have to pretend that our family is any less messy or busy or crazy than it normally is,” he said. “We just have to bring God into whatever it is, because bringing God into even the messiest situation or the busiest situation or the most frustrating situation enables it to be a moment of holiness.”

That’s the good news: prayer with kids doesn’t have to be polished. It simply needs to bring God into the everyday.

2. Create Routines for Family Prayer

One of the first steps toward making family prayer happen is to make it a routine by setting aside one or more times to pray together every day.

The Popcaks suggest starting with three touchpoints most families already have:

  1. Morning Prayer. Don’t worry—this isn’t about adding 20 minutes to your already crazy mornings. It can be as simple as blessing your child when you wake them up: “Lord, bless my child. Be with them in their worries and joys today.” Over time, even little ones can learn to bless you back. Or, alternatively, if everyone is rushing out the door, gather for just two minutes in the hallway before the day begins. “However you do it, the point is that you want to give the day to God: bringing your thanks to him, bringing your concerns to him, and asking him to help you be the family he wants you to be,” Dr. Greg said.
  2. Mealtime Prayer. Make it a habit to pause for prayer before you begin to eat, the Popcaks say. You can use a formal meal blessing, if you like—but then, incorporate a less formal “check in” prayer, too. “Say, ‘Thank you, God, for the blessings so far in the day’—and you can name a few if you’d like—‘and please help us with the rest of our day,’ and name a few of the things you need help with,” Lisa said.
  3. Bedtime Prayer. There are many options for bedtime prayer: you can read a short passage from a children’s Bible, pray for your concerns, and pray for one another. Bedtime prayers can be especially powerful when they are “cuddly,” reminding children that prayer is both comforting and relational. As Greg says, “The very first faith stage is what we call the cuddly stage of faith, where children learn that it feels good to be in God’s presence.”

Whatever your particular style of prayer looks like, be sure to model conversational prayer—that “close sharing between friends,” as St. Theresa of Avila called it—that builds your family’s closeness with God.

Offer ‘Micro-Prayers’ Throughout the Day

If prayer is the way we nurture our friendship with God, then it is only natural to come to God in prayer throughout the day, not just at set times.

“Don’t just relegate God to specific times of the day,” Dr. Greg said. “Make sure you’re bringing him with you throughout the day, because that’s a really key component of making sure that Christ is the most important part of our family.”

These micro prayers don’t have to be a big production—in fact, they might be just a few seconds long.

“It’s 10 seconds, but you’re bringing God into the good moments, and the difficult moments, and the times where you need help,” Dr. Greg said. “You’re creating a habit of developing a relationship with God throughout the day.”

Some examples of micro-prayers include:

  • Thank Jesus for small blessings (“Thank you, Lord, for a beautiful day”).
  • Call on him in struggles (“Lord, please help my daughter feel better”).
  • Offer thanks for moments of joy (“Thank you, Jesus, for that parking spot near the door”).

These short prayers teach children to talk to God throughout the day and form a lifelong habit of prayer, Lisa Popcak said. “So when they’re out on their own, as schoolchildren, as teenagers, as adults, they have that ingrained in them. When they have a great time, a blessing, or a harder time, they too will develop that idea of, ‘I’m just talking to God all day long.’”

Take Things Deeper with Formal Prayer

In addition to conversational prayer, families should also introduce the Church’s formal prayers. Ending your morning or bedtime prayer with an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be connects family life to the wider Church and helps us to explore new dimensions of our relationship with God that we wouldn’t necessarily bring up on our own.

“All these formal prayers enable me to take my conversational prayer life deeper, but they assume that there is a conversational prayer life to take deeper,” Dr. Greg said. “Because if we just use formal prayers in the place of a heartfelt prayer, we never learn to have a personal relationship with Christ, which is critically important.”

You don’t need to stick with basic prayers, either. The Church has a vast library of prayers in its liturgical tradition, not to mention the prayers of the saints. Try praying the Magnificat, for example, or St. Theresa’s Bookmark, or the Lorica of St. Patrick. You can try out Saint Ignatius’ daily examen or imaginative prayer methods, or use one of the many resources available to explore a kid-friendly version of Lectio Divina. It’s good for kids to see that there are many ways of connecting with God!

Take the Next Step

Family prayer doesn’t require perfection, only intention. As Dr. Greg said, “There’s no wrong way to pray as long as you’re carving out regular time for it, and you’re being intentional and heartfelt about it.”

Want more guidance, encouragement, and practical tools for praying as a family? Explore the CatholicHŌM program, where you’ll find professional coaching, thriving community, and a library of resources to make faith the source of warmth in your home. And if your parish is interested in hosting an in-person CatholicHŌM parish group, reach out at hello@catholichom.com.

Six Tools for Your Discipleship Discipline Toolbox

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When most parents think of “discipline,” they think of punishments: taking away privileges, sending kids to their rooms, or maybe scolding them into behaving better.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak say in their book Parenting Your Kids with Grace, discipline isn’t about punishment. It’s about teaching.

“Children don’t learn anything … because someone tells them to do it (or punishes them for not doing it),” the Popcaks write. “They learn because someone reviewed the expectations clearly ahead of time and then provided the structure, support, and practice the child needs to succeed.”

This is the heart of Discipleship Discipline: helping kids grow in virtue through “reason, religion, and loving-kindness,” the three core principles of St. John Bosco’s “Preventive Method” of discipline that the Popcaks have adapted into the Discipleship Discipline approach.

Earlier in this series of articles about Discipleship Discipline, we compared it to other discipline strategies and explained that this type of discipline has been shown to have better outcomes for kids and parents. We also discussed the importance of strong, secure parent-child relationships for the success of any discipline strategy.

Now that we have those foundations, let’s look at some of the most important “tools,” or strategies, in the Discipleship Discipline “toolbox.” In this post, we’ll introduce the first six of these tools.

1. Rituals and Routines

Family rituals are more than nice habits — they are daily “catechisms” in Christian living. By intentionally working, playing, talking, and praying together, parents model how to live balanced, godly lives. That might look like cleaning up the kitchen together after meals, having family story time, or blessing one another before bed.

Routines are equally important. Consistent morning and bedtime patterns, or predictable ways of handling chores, create a “current” that carries the family through daily life with less stress. Instead of fighting about what should happen, kids learn, “That’s just the way it is in our house.”

2. Collecting

Too often, parents shout instructions from another room and then get frustrated when kids don’t follow through. Collecting helps avoid that cycle. Before giving an instruction, parents “collect” their child by going to them, engaging warmly, and ensuring they’re truly listening.

That might mean kneeling down, making eye contact, offering a gentle touch, and saying, “Hey buddy, I need you to….” Parents also check for obstacles, have the child repeat back the instruction, and encourage them as they begin the task. This simple practice takes a minute or two, but it prevents the meltdowns that often come from barking orders.

3. Team-Building

Every family has “rough patches” in the day — after school, before bed, during chores. Instead of treating these times as inevitable chaos, team-building invites everyone to work together. Parents gather the family, name the problem, and ask, “How can we take better care of one another during this time?”

Kids are more cooperative when they help create the solution. If the 90 minutes right after school are consistently chaotic, for example, the whole family might gather together to agree on a routine. Part of that discussion might include checking in with each other to ask what that person needs most during that time of day—time alone, a snack, a hug, a listening ear? The result of this team-building exercise will be a calmer, more connected household — not because Mom or Dad cracked the whip, but because the family became a team.

4. Catch Them Being Good

It’s easy to focus on what kids are doing wrong. But discipline becomes more effective when we notice what they’re doing right. The Popcaks urge parents to “catch them being good.”

That might mean saying, “I really like the way you’re sharing with your sister,” or, “You really plowed through that homework assignment, even when you got frustrated—you really are persistent!” These small moments of affirmation light up a child’s heart, reinforce virtues like responsibility and kindness, and remind them that their efforts are seen and valued. Far from spoiling kids, encouragement builds their confidence and generosity.

5. Virtue-Prompting

When kids are frustrated, parents often slip into convincing, lecturing, or even arguing. Virtue-prompting takes a different approach. Instead of telling kids what to do, you ask: “What do you think the generous thing to do would be?” or “How could you say that in a more respectful way?”

By prompting kids to name the virtue themselves, parents help them shift from emotional reactivity to moral reflection. Over time, children learn to approach problems not just by avoiding trouble, but by actively seeking virtue.

6. Do-Overs

Do-overs give kids a chance to try again when their first attempt fell short. Whether they’ve spoken disrespectfully or rushed through a chore, parents calmly say, “Let’s try that again, with your best effort and a respectful tone.”

This practice avoids both nagging and punishment. Instead, it communicates confidence that the child can do better — and teaches that what matters isn’t just checking off a task, but doing it with love and integrity.

Building Peaceful, Virtuous Homes

Each of these six tools helps parents guide their children without yelling, bribing, or punishing. More importantly, they strengthen the parent–child bond — the real foundation of Discipleship Discipline. By using rituals and routines, collecting, team-building, catching kids being good, virtue-prompting, and do-overs, you’re not just managing behavior. You’re raising competent, caring children who know how to love, cooperate, and grow in virtue.

For more practical tools like these, pick up a copy of Parenting Your Kids with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support in your parenting journey, consider joining the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

To Raise Healthy, Happy, Holy Kids, Start with a Game of Catch

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In our last post, we talked about various discipline strategies, and why authoritative discipline—and Discipleship Discipline, in particular—produces the best outcomes for kids and parents alike. Now, we’re going to look at the foundation for the success of Discipleship Discipline (or any discipline strategy, for that matter): a strong, secure relationship between parent and child. Without this foundation, the best discipline strategies in the world will fall flat, because kids learn best from people they are securely bonded to.

(By the way, much of this post is adapted from Parenting Your Kids with Grace: Birth to Age 10 and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace: Ages 11 to 18.)

Playing Catch: The Back-and-Forth of Parenting

Have you ever played catch with your kids? When you toss the ball, your goal isn’t to make it hard for them to succeed. You throw it in a way that helps them catch it, and when they throw it back, you do your best to keep the game going.

Parenting works the same way. “Discipleship Parenting is a lot like teaching your kids to play catch,” Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak write. “You try to help each other get better at sending the ball back and forth… and you try to keep the ball in play no matter how it’s thrown to you.” The back-and-forth of daily interactions is how kids learn to trust us, listen to us, and eventually, follow us in faith.

Parent-Child Relationships: Good Soil for Growing Healthy, Holy Adults

Long before kids are ready to be taught about God or virtue, the foundation for those lessons is already being laid.

“Babies and toddlers can’t learn faith facts, but they can learn how much they’re worth in God’s eyes when their parents take time to gaze at them, comfort them, and meet their needs as generously as they’re able,” the Popcaks write.

These early, nonverbal experiences literally become part of a child’s brain architecture. They form the neurological foundation for self-control, empathy, and even moral reasoning. As kids grow, the same principle applies: their confidence that Mom or Dad will “catch the ball” whenever they throw it—whether it’s a problem, a worry, or a mistake—determines how open they’ll be to guidance and how resilient they’ll be in the face of peer or cultural pressures.

At this point, you may wonder whether we’re talking about attachment parenting—a style of parenting that often emphasizes practices like babywearing, extended breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. These techniques can certainly support secure attachment, but they are not the same thing as attachment.

Attachment itself isn’t a set of practices. It’s a relationship—a child’s inner confidence that their parents are there for them, consistently, generously, and lovingly. Some parents may use attachment parenting methods but still foster insecure attachment if they are resentful, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable. Likewise, parents who don’t use those methods can still raise securely attached kids if they cultivate habits of warm, responsive, and reliable caregiving.

And importantly, attachment isn’t just something babies need. It matters through every stage of a child’s life. For example, imagine your teen comes home from school looking withdrawn. They slam their backpack down and retreat to their room.

A parent who is focused only on correcting behavior might scold: “Don’t you dare slam things around this house!” But a parent practicing attachment-based discipleship would start by “collecting” their child—that is, making a personal connection that signals that Mom or Dad is on their team. The parent might start by gently knocking on the door and asking, “You seem upset—want to talk about it?”

Even if the teen doesn’t open up right away, that consistent, nonjudgmental presence communicates: You can turn to me. I’m here for you. Over time, this creates the trust that makes real correction and discipleship possible.

As we discussed in our earlier article, discipline that is grounded in a warm, secure relationship is not the same as “permissive parenting,” a parenting style in which parents provide their kids with little or no structure to support their growth. Authoritative discipline styles provide kids with rules, boundaries, and expectations, all supported by warm, secure parent-child attachment.

Secure vs. Insecure Relationships

Let’s go back to our “game of catch” analogy. What happens if the game of catch breaks down? The Popcaks point out that children who don’t experience consistent responsiveness often stop wanting to “play.” This can take a couple of forms:

  • Anxious attachment develops when parents respond inconsistently. Kids may achieve a lot, but inside they never feel good enough. “This child comes to believe that the game doesn’t go well because there’s something wrong with them.”
  • Avoidant attachment grows when parents are disengaged or dismissive. These kids learn not to bother throwing the ball at all. They avoid intimacy, become suspicious of closeness, and may even look down on those who seek connection.

Neither pattern sets a child up for healthy relationships—or for a living, vibrant faith. In fact, research shows that our attachment style to parents strongly predicts how we will relate to God, the Popcaks say. Anxiously attached people may see God as harsh and impossible to please, while avoidantly attached people may keep God at a distance.

Nurturing Attachment with the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life

How, then, can Catholic families intentionally cultivate secure attachment? One powerful framework is the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, a model developed by the Popcaks that highlights everyday practices that build faith and family bonds.

The “rites” in this framework include practices proven to strengthen healthy parent-child attachment. Some of these practices include:

  • Extravagant affection and affirmation. Kids who receive extravagant affection and affirmation from their parents thrive in all areas of life, from academic achievement to peer relationships and more. This might take the form of (appropriate) physical contact such as hugs as well as words of genuine encouragement and acknowledgement. Even when parents provide a child with healthy boundaries or help them correct their behavior, the overall vibe is one of teamwork, not opposition.
  • Prompt, generous, cheerful, and consistent attention to needs. When parents respond promptly, consistently, and generously to their needs, kids feel safe and secure. And when kids learn that they can rely on their parents to “be there for them” as children, they continue to turn to their parents as tweens, teens, and young adults. And there’s a bonus: parents who model and teach their children this way of relating benefit from kids who want to do the same for them.
  • Intentionally making time to be together. It’s hard to have a relationship without shared, common experiences—and in today’s world, that means intentionally making time to work, play, talk, and pray together.

These and other simple but intentional habits help children form strong relationships with their parents, siblings—and God. That’s because the parent-child relationship provides a template for the child’s relationship with God.

The Heart of Discipleship Parenting

The bottom line: secure attachment—the confidence that your child can always turn to you—makes all the difference. “Fostering strong attachment with your children through every age and stage is the key to creating a discipleship relationship with your child,” the Popcaks say.

This doesn’t mean being perfect. Parents will “drop the ball” sometimes. What matters most is consistency: showing up, listening, responding generously, and making repairs when things go wrong. Over time, these habits create the kind of bond that makes children resilient, open to their parents’ guidance, and ready to follow Christ.

For more on how to foster secure, faith-filled relationships with your kids, check out Parenting Your Kids with Grace (Birth to Age 10) and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace (Ages 11 to 18) by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support building stronger bonds with your children, join the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

Why Discipleship Discipline Helps Kids (and Parents) Thrive

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What’s the best way to discipline your child? Parents have wrestled with this question forever: Should I lay down the law? Should I let my kids figure things out? Should I try to be their friend? It’s easy to feel pulled in different directions.

Today, though, child development research points clearly to one answer: an authoritative discipline style works best. This approach balances warmth and love with clear expectations and structure. Kids raised in authoritative homes consistently do better—not just in childhood, but well into adulthood.

At the Pastoral Solutions Institute, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak promote a faith-filled version of this approach called Discipleship Discipline. Rooted in the best of modern psychology and enriched by the wisdom of the Catholic tradition, it blends the insights of St. John Bosco (the 19th-century Italian priest and founder of the Salesians), St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, and contemporary parenting science.

You’ll find the full approach in the Popcaks’ books Parenting Your Kids with Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace, as well as through the CatholicHŌM program. But here, let’s look at the main discipline styles, why authoritative parenting stands out, and how Discipleship Discipline takes it even further.

The Four Basic Discipline Styles

In the 1980s and 90s, psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three main parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. A fourth, neglectful, was later added.

Authoritarian Discipline

Dominant in the early 20th century, authoritarian parenting cast parents as judges and enforcers. Parents were expected to:

  • Impose strict rules at the level of adult expectations.
  • Avoid explanations (“Because I said so”).
  • Punish with unpleasant consequences for breaking rules.
  • Withhold affection to avoid “spoiling” children.

This approach often produces fearful, anxious children with lower self-confidence and self-regulation.

Permissive Discipline

In the 1960s and 70s, many parents swung the other way. Permissive parenting emphasized freedom and self-expression. Parents often:

  • Set few rules or expectations.
  • Negotiate endlessly, rarely enforcing rules.
  • Overlook misbehavior or enforce inconsistently.
  • Provide warmth without limits, overlooking that real love sometimes requires setting healthy boundaries.

While warm, this approach often leaves children with weak boundaries and poor self-control.

Neglectful Discipline

Neglectful parenting is just what it sounds like: being uninvolved, failing to meet children’s needs, and providing little structure or guidance. Children raised this way often struggle with emotional health, academics, and relationships.

Authoritative Discipline

Authoritative parenting offers the best of both worlds—love and structure. Parents are encouraged to:

  • Set clear expectations appropriate for the child’s age.
  • Explain rules and listen to their child’s perspective.
  • Enforce consistent, fair consequences based on natural or logical outcomes.
  • Provide abundant warmth and support, while encouraging independence.

Large-scale, long-term studies (sometimes lasting decades) show that children raised in authoritative homes tend to excel academically, display healthier social skills, develop strong self-regulation, and enjoy better mental health into adulthood.

Why Discipleship Discipline Changes Everything

So what makes the Popcaks’ approach different? The clue is in the word disciple. From the Latin discipulus (“pupil, learner”), a disciple isn’t just a student—they’re a dedicated follower of a way of life.

This hints at one of the main differences between Discipleship Discipline and other discipline styles:

  • Permissive discipline tends to view the parent-child relationship in terms of a friendship between equals.
  • Authoritarian discipline tends to cast parents as cops and judges enforcing rules and meting out punishments.
  • Authoritative discipline, by contrast, casts parents in the role of teacher (or coach) and the child in the role of learner.

In Discipleship Discipline, parents are called not only to teach their children the skills they need to become fully competent, confident adults, but to become all that God calls them to be. Discipleship Parents help their kids develop a way of life as Christian disciples—not just rule-followers, but people who embody the love, integrity, and virtue of Jesus Christ.

Discipleship Parents recognize that God has entrusted them with the responsibility (and therefore authority) to guide their children along this path. This means setting expectations for behavior (boundaries and rules) and, when needed, enforcing those expectations. Discipleship Parents provide their kids with the structure they need to thrive.

But Discipleship Parents also recognize that their God-given authority isn’t limitless or arbitrary: instead, it is exercised for the good of both the child and the parents. Moreover, Discipleship Parents recognize that their authority is most effective when it is based on a warm, loving, trusting relationship—much like the Bible’s image of the Good Shepherd.

This blend of structure, warmth, and faith makes Discipleship Discipline a powerful tool for Catholic families.

Next Steps

In our next article in this three-part series, we’ll look at how parents can nurture the warm-yet-authoritative relationships that make this approach so effective.

In the meantime, you can explore Discipleship Discipline more deeply in books Parenting Your Kids with Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support, check out CatholicHŌM, where you’ll find family-friendly resources, pastoral guidance, and a supportive community to help your family thrive in faith and love.

Less Stress, More Joy: The Power of Family Fun

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Soccer practice, piano lessons, theater rehearsals, youth group…many parents today feel like their family life happens in the car. We’re constantly running from one activity to the next, hoping that the time we invest in our kids’ activities will pay off.

Instead, 65% of American parents say they are just “getting through the day” rather than actually enjoying it, according to a 2024 Harris Poll.

What’s worse, overbooked kids often experience higher levels of stress, anxiety, and anger, child health experts say.

If all of this sounds familiar, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have a simple suggestion: make more time for family fun.

Regularly playing together as a family reduces stress and increases joy, they explained on a recent episode of the CatholicHŌM podcast. Even better, family play rituals strengthen relationships and fortify a healthy, holy lifestyle.

Fun is the Glue That Holds Families Together

A wealth of research shows that kids who have strong family relationships tend to thrive during childhood and adolescence—and even later on, as young adults. Family fun time plays a big role in developing strong, rich relationships between children and their parents.

“When we have fun with our children, when we make time to play…we become the people that they know they can trust and enjoy,” Lisa said.

The trust that develops between children and parents when they have fun together lasts into adolescence and beyond. Children who regularly play with their parents know who to turn to when life gets hard. On the other hand, over scheduled children may learn to turn elsewhere for connection.

“The people that your children have fun with are the people that your children trust,” Lisa continued. “So if your children are only having fun with other kids their age…who are they going to turn to when they have a broken heart or a difficult question…? Their friends.”

But not all time spent around our kids strengthens our bond with them. Parents often assume that showing up for their children’s activities is the same thing as spending time together. But kids don’t see it that way, the Popcaks said. They cited research that found that kids view their parents’ attendance at sports and rehearsals not as an investment in them, but as an opportunity for parents to socialize with other parents.

Attending games and rehearsals matters, but it’s not the same as shared, face-to-face fun, Dr. Greg explained: “They’re not interacting with us, and we’re not communicating to them how Christians enjoy each other and enjoy life.”

The temptation to over schedule comes from good intentions. We want to give our kids opportunities, build their skills, and support their passions. But when the family calendar is too packed, something vital is lost. Spontaneous fun disappears; relationships become transactional (“Did you finish your homework? What time is practice?”), and stress replaces joy.

Holy People Have More Fun!

Family play has another important function: it’s one of the ways we disciple kids into a healthy, holy Catholic vision of life.

When families have fun together, they teach their kids that Christianity isn’t just something for church, but for all areas of life. More than that, they teach kids that Christian values can actually enhance fun and recreation.

“The fact is, if we aren’t teaching our kids how to enjoy life and how to enjoy each other in healthy ways, the world is more than happy to suggest a million ways for our kids to enjoy themselves in sinful and destructive ways,” he said. 

Reclaiming Time to Play

So how can families reclaim time for play in a world that rewards busyness?

First, start by making family fun time a priority—and that means being intentional about scheduling time for it.

“Play rituals don’t just happen on their own,” Dr. Greg emphasized. “We need to treat family time in general, and play rituals in particular, as things that are on the schedule that we plan other stuff around.”

You can set aside routine times for family play, like after dinner and before prayers, or you can schedule family fun time as you meet to plan out your week.

Prioritizing family play rituals doesn’t mean pulling your children out of sports, theater, or youth group activities, the Popcaks emphasized. But it may mean cutting down on the time they spend on those activities so that there is time available for your family to connect.

Second, don’t be afraid to start small. Family fun time doesn’t need to involve a major, Monopoly-level time commitment. You might begin with as little as 15 minutes, Lisa said: “Just begin by asking, can we get 15 minutes today? What would we like to do with that time?”

If even that feels challenging, look for ways to spark little moments of joy during the day. Lisa described how her mother asked her father to come home from work with a joke for the family every day.

“He would run around the office toward the end of the day saying, ‘I need a joke. My wife won’t let me in the door without a joke,’” Lisa said. “And we can do that with our kids: bring a joke to the table for dinner time and start everybody laughing. Just having a moment of joy together is better than not having joy together.”

Just Do It!

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all model for how to have fun together as a family, the Popcaks emphasized. Talk about it together and experiment to find a rhythm of play and fun that works for your particular family. Be prepared for family play time to evolve as your kids get older, too: the ten minutes you spend tickling and roughhousing on the living room floor might become ten minutes of throwing a football around in the yard.

Above all, don’t be afraid to dive in, Lisa said.

“So often, we over schedule ourselves because we’re afraid to just have fun with our family. What if they don’t see me as an authority figure? What if they think I’m silly? What if it messes up the house? What if I can never get them settled down to go to bed? We have a million fears about just enjoying our children and our family time together in a fun way.

“I promise you, if you start making fun part of your family rituals, they will look at you with more respect, more love. They will trust you more. The emotional temperature in the house will come down over time because you’re not always being punitive. Play has a million wonderful fruits (that come) with it.”

When families reclaim time to laugh, play, and enjoy each other, they rediscover the joy of being a domestic church.

To learn more about weaving play and other rituals into daily life, explore the CatholicHŌM app, where you’ll find community support, downloadable resources for family fun, and videos and podcasts addressing common challenges that arise around family time. Plus, you can listen to CatholicHŌM podcast Episode 88: “The Family That Plays Together Prays Together.”