The 3 Basic Triggers for Your Child’s Meltdowns and Tantrums (and What You Can Do to Help)

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Handling meltdowns and tantrums in young children is one of the most popular topics on the CatholicHOM parenting discussion boards. While each situation is unique, the solution to these behaviors often follows the same basic set of principles, says Jacob Francisco, a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. With these principles in mind, parents can effectively address tantrums and meltdowns on their own most of the time.

What’s Your Mindset?

You can’t control your child’s behavior, at least not directly. But you can control your own response to that behavior, so checking your mindset is a good place to begin.

Many parents mistakenly believe that their child intentionally chooses to melt down or throw a tantrum as a deliberate tactic to get their way. In fact, young children—especially those under age five—have very little control over their emotions.

“Kids really don’t have as much ability to regulate their emotions as we think that they do,” Francisco says. “It’s just brain neurology. They just don’t have enough of their cortex formed yet to be able to do that consistently or under any level of pressure.”

As children get past age five, they begin to develop better self-regulation—but they still need coaching, Francisco says.

Realizing that our children aren’t intentionally trying to drive us crazy helps to reframe the whole situation. Instead of viewing it as an antagonistic, me-against-them scenario, it’s more like teaching your child how to play catch—an analogy frequently used by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak in their Parenting with Grace books.

“When you’re playing catch with a five-year-old, your goal is to pass the ball back and forth without dropping it. You’re not trying to make them fail or challenge them too much—you’re just helping them learn,” Francisco explains.

Just as children need time and coaching to learn physical skills, they also need time and coaching to learn how to manage their emotions. Having a meltdown is like “dropping the ball” emotionally.

If you’re playing catch with your child and he drops the ball, how would you react?

“I’m not going to go over there and use harsh discipline, I’m not going to just give up or throw my glove down and be like, ‘Fine, we’re not going to play, then, if you can’t behave right.’ That’s not going to solve the issue,” Francisco says.

Instead, parents should approach tantrums and meltdowns with empathy and the desire to help. Just like playing catch, you’re really on the same team—and that is what you want to convey to your child.

What’s Really Going On Here?

With that mindset in place, the way to address meltdowns is by doing a little detective work. Rather than focusing on the tantrum itself, look for the underlying cause of the tantrum. In general, the cause will fall into one of three categories, Francisco says.

1. Basic Needs. First, consider whether your child’s basic needs are the issue. “Are they hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or sick? Any one of these factors can spark a tantrum over something that seems inconsequential to adults,” Francisco explains. For example, a child who is overtired might burst into tears over a minor frustration, such as spilling her snack.

 

2. Emotional Overload. Second, assess whether your child might be overwhelmed by their emotions. Children have a low threshold for difficult feelings, and even small events can trigger big reactions.

 

3. Underdeveloped Coping Skills.  Finally, consider whether your child simply doesn’t know how to respond appropriately to a particular problem, or doesn’t know how to apply an existing skill to the problem at hand. “This is where, as parents, we often have the thought, ‘You know what to do. You already know how to deal with this situation.’ We’ve all had that thought, and it’s not as true as we think it is,” Francisco says. “When some sort of disconnect is happening in their little child brain that’s still growing, still forming all of these connections and skills, in any given moment, they might not be able to make the connection to the skill that you’ve already worked on a dozen times. As frustrating as it is, they need another coaching session.”

Once you have identified the likely cause of the tantrum (basic need, big emotions, underdeveloped skills), then the next step is to help them address that problem “as patiently and gently as humanly possible,” Francisco says.

Figuring out the root cause of the tantrum may take some trial and error, but it is far more effective in the short term than responding with yelling or punishment. And in the long term, it teaches your child that they can turn to you for help when they most need it, a habit that will pay dividends even as they grow into young adulthood.

Some Tips for Helping Kids Regulate Their Emotions

Unfortunately, there is no way to “solve” the problem of meltdowns overnight. Gradually, though, they will decrease in frequency and intensity as your child’s brain develops and as she acquires more self-regulation skills. The good news is that you can speed up the process a little.

“We want to be teaching our kids, even when they’re only slightly upset, that the first order of business in solving a problem is staying calm or becoming calm,” Francisco says. “So maybe that means we’re teaching our kids when they’re about to start crying to try to take some deep breaths, and we do it with them. Maybe that means we have a little game that we play with them, like I Spy; it gets them interacting with their environment, and it’s something that is fun for them. Or maybe you’ve got a little one who likes ‘Patty Cake’ and you see the tears are about to come: ‘Hey, let’s play patty cake!’ Now you’ve got that sensory touch to help them. A hug can do a world of good, too.”

Many of these techniques are about teaching kids how to use their body as the first means of regulating their emotions, he says.

Walking away from a child who consistently refuses your help might be the best strategy for children over age five, as long as you do so in a way that maintains a positive, helpful approach.

Tell the child that you’re going to step away for a few minutes—one or two, not an extended period of time—while they work on calming down. Check back every so often, asking whether they are calm enough to talk or to let you help them get even more calmed down.

And if you’re feeling on the verge of having your own adult-style tantrum, then you can model self-regulation by stepping away, telling your child what you are doing: “I’m getting really frustrated right now. I’m going to be back in two minutes. I need to calm myself down.”

It’s Going to Get Better

Dealing with tantrums can be exhausting, but Francisco has words of reassurance for parents: It’s going to get better. Returning to the analogy of the game of catch, the most important thing is to keep the ball going—in other words, to maintain that connected, healthy parent-child relationship.

“We want to have a relationship with our kids as they get older, so we don’t want to get bogged down each time our kid drops the ball or has a hard time catching it,” he says. “They will get better. The game will get more fun. It’s not always going to be what it is right now, so enjoy the time, even the hard times, because they will pass.”

For more help with this or other parenting problems, reach out to one of the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com, or join the CatholicHOM community.

Everything You’ve Been Told About Raising Faithful Catholic Kids Is Wrong

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Several times a week, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear from parents whose adult children no longer practice the Catholic faith they were raised in. These callers to the More2Life radio program are devout Catholics who did “all the things” to pass the faith along to their kids: they sent them to Catholic school or parish-based faith formation, attended Mass every week, and involved their children in youth groups.

Yet despite their best efforts, their children abandoned the faith as adults. Why?

“Everything that parents have been told about raising faithful Catholic kids is wrong,” Dr. Popcak said in a recent conversation with Marcus Peter, host of Ave Maria in the Afternoon, on how parents—and the Church—can better support raising kids who remain faithful into adulthood. Despite the significant investment that churches make in youth ministry and faith formation, research shows that only about 15 percent of Catholic kids continue to practice their faith as adults.

“You know, the Church has this spiritual cancer where we are not going to survive the next few generations if we don’t get this number up,” Dr. Popcak said.

What Matters Most: The Family Transformed by Jesus’ Love

In 2018, Dr. Popcak, founder of both the Pastoral Solutions Institute and the Peyton Institute for Domestic Church Life, partnered with the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) to conduct the Future of Faithful Families Project. This study interviewed adults who had retained their Catholic faith to identify the common factors in their upbringing.

The study found that what mattered most was not the quality of the youth group or Catholic school, or even the family’s weekly Mass attendance. While those things are valuable, they are secondary to the habits and practices within the home, Dr. Popcak said.

“And I don’t just mean the prayers that the family says,” he explained. “I mean that the children need to experience the faith as making a significant difference in the quality of the relationships in the home compared to their less-churched friends’ families.”

Children need to see that their family’s faith influences how they handle challenges, celebrate joys, and navigate everyday life. Even in their imperfections, these families’ grounding in Christ challenges them “to address problems differently, to hang in there with each other, to pray through things, to talk about these things, to draw closer together in difficult times,” Dr. Popcak said.

“Kids need to experience the faith as a source of the warmth in the home,” he added.

Learning about Christ is important, but it is essential that kids experience the love of Christ within the family, he said. A child or teen might memorize the Catechism or attend Bible study, but that catechetical work builds on the foundation of the young person’s lived experience of faith.

“When we take the approach where we treat religion like algebra and just teach kids faith facts, they’re not falling in love with Jesus, right?” Dr. Popcak said. “But what happened in these families (in the study) is the kids experienced for themselves the real difference that living the gospel made in their daily lives as a family, which made it real for them.”

Connection, Affection, and Service

The Future of Faithful Families Project identified several common habits and practices among families who successfully handed on an enduring faith to their kids. Here are some key takeaways:

  • Prioritizing Family Time: Successful families made intentional efforts to spend time together regularly, whether through shared meals, game nights, or simply being present for each other. This emphasis on togetherness allowed faith to be modeled naturally and authentically.
  • Creating Meaningful Family Rituals: These families established daily or weekly rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together. These rituals enabled family members to connect meaningfully with one another and practice the faith in the context of everyday life. Shared work rituals, for example, provided opportunities to experience how loving service and cooperation make work more pleasant and rewarding. They didn’t just pray at mealtimes; they brought God into everyday moments, whether through gratitude, a simple blessing, or turning to prayer during conflicts.
  • Practicing Generous Affection: Participants frequently described their families as “huggy,” highlighting a warm and affectionate atmosphere. From frequent hugs to verbal affirmations, these gestures created a sense of safety and belonging, reinforcing the idea that love is at the heart of faith.
  • Discipleship Discipline: Instead of punitive measures, these parents practiced discipleship discipline focused on teaching good behavior and encouraging virtue. They created structures that supported their children’s growth and helped them understand the “why” behind their actions.
  • Serving Each Other and Others: Families found small ways to serve one another and those around them, demonstrating that faith isn’t just about belief but action. Simple acts of kindness and service were seen as natural extensions of their love for Christ.

These families didn’t treat faith as a subject to be learned; instead, they showed that living the Gospel had a tangible impact on their daily lives, fostering resilience, hope, and a deep sense of connection.

Even in Today’s World, It’s Possible to Raise Faithful Kids

The habits and practices identified by the Future of Faithful Families Project are not a guaranteed formula, and other factors also play a role in young adults’ faith decisions. However, these foundational practices greatly improve the chances that children will grow into adults who experience the warmth of a strong relationship with God.

For parents feeling anxious about raising faithful children in today’s challenging cultural context, the study’s findings provide real hope and a clear path forward.

“The good news of this study is that we have the control, we have the ability to raise faithful kids,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s not about the culture, it’s not about peers, it’s not about the media. It’s about how we live the faith in our home, and the degree to which the faith impacts the way we relate to each other, and the love that we share.”

For those seeking to deepen their family’s faith life, resources like the CatholicHOM app developed by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak can support parents in cultivating these habits and nurturing their children’s faith in meaningful ways.

How to Cope as Kids Leave the Nest

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As any new parent quickly learns (usually in the middle of the night), raising kids can be both joyful and really challenging. And while it may be hard to believe during those 2 a.m. feedings, saying goodbye to young adult children as they head off for a new life can be one of the tougher moments.

Anne Brunette, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., had a rough few weeks after dropping her oldest child off at a university five hours away.

“I cried the whole way home,” she said in a recent interview. “I called a friend, I talked to my husband. I wrote her a couple of letters and we talked a lot in the beginning, and it gradually kept getting better.”

Since seeing off that first child, she has gone through the same process with two sons as well. “And I will have to tell you next year at this time how it goes with the youngest,” she said, laughing. “That’s going to be its own challenge.”

In the meantime, as a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, she has helped plenty of other parents navigate the transition from childhood to young adulthood.

Most parents experience a whirlwind of feelings, with joy, pride, and excitement living right alongside worry, anxiety, regret, and sadness. Like Brunette herself, most parents find their way through this mini-crisis to a new, richer relationship with their child.

Still, some people have a particularly tough time due to confounding circumstances. Even when that’s not the case, there are practices that help make the transition easier. Here’s Brunette’s advice.

Prepare for a Smooth Transition in Advance

In general, the more prepared you are for this transition, the better it is likely to go, Brunette said. Investing in the relationship throughout your child’s life by prioritizing family time and creating family rituals that help you connect with one another will go a long way.

But if you haven’t had an ideal relationship with your child, don’t spend a lot of time on regret, she said. Instead, look forward to what you can do to build the relationship now. “I’ve seen it many times where the relationship wasn’t necessarily as close as anyone would have wanted it, but with vulnerability, with humility, relationships can grow at almost any age.”

In the months running up to your child’s departure, have conversations about what the relationship will look like after he leaves. Be open with your emotions; share your hopes and expectations with one another.

“Not in a ‘Okay, this is what we expect of you’ way,” Brunette said, “but just a sharing of emotions about the leaving and a sharing of hopes for what the relationship can look like in the future with this change.”

Be concrete: How will you communicate, and how often? As your child gets her footing in young adult life, how much help from Mom or Dad is enough—and how much is too much?

Rituals can help ease the transition, too. Some families have a special meal or sending-off gathering. A family blessing can be powerful, too, Brunette said.

“It provides a ritual that is memorable and where everyone is able to share perhaps what they will miss about that person, but also their hopes for that person,” she said. “It gives that person a sense of ‘sending forth,’ but also that sense of, ‘you can still find support here.’ Even though you’re going out, you have our love, you have our support.”

Remind your child, too, that by virtue of her baptism, she has been commissioned to bring the Gospel out into the world. This is a new phase of that ongoing, lifelong mission.

 

Embrace a New Relationship

One strategy that can help to blunt the sense of loss you might feel when a child leaves home is to very intentionally focus on what gifts will emerge from the change.

“There’s a joy that often happens when that child comes back a semester later, a year later, and you witness so much growth,” Brunette said. “And you’re able to have a different kind of relationship with that adult child that just can be so special.”

At the same time, the transition to independent young adulthood—whatever it looks like—puts both you and your child on new ground, and it can take a while to find your footing.

“You have to recognize what you can control and what you can’t,” Brunette said.

Don’t make the mistake of demanding, lecturing, or guilt-tripping your young adult child. Not only do such strategies not work, but they can push her away. “The most influential thing is to have a good relationship.”

She regularly recommends Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons and Daughters by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak (also of the Pastoral Solutions Institute). The book explains how to nurture your relationship with your adult child, and how to support him or her without endorsing choices you don’t agree with.

“We all make mistakes; we all go through ups and downs with our faith life. Your adult children are going to make mistakes, too,” Brunette said. “And that’s okay. That’s how we learn. So try not to push what you think they should do, unless they ask. If they invite your advice, that’s fine. But if they don’t, don’t give it; just focus on the relationship.”

 

What If It Doesn’t Get Better?

It’s normal to feel sad, lonely, or blue for a few days or weeks after your child leaves home. But sometimes, the transition can trigger bigger issues, Brunette said. She named a few examples:

  •  Loss of identity. If your own identity has revolved around your role as a parent, or if you have an especially close relationship with your child, you might be thrown into an identity crisis, wondering, “What am I going to do with myself now?”
  • Marital problems. Without kids in the house, long-simmering marital problems can suddenly come into focus.
  • Dealing with past trauma. If you experienced past trauma, especially neglect or abuse, the departure of your child might bring all of those issues to the surface again. “if you’re really feeling strong emotions about being left or being alone, that perhaps could connect to some past experience that was really difficult,” Brunette said.

If you are dealing with any of these issues or experiencing symptoms of significant depression—for instance, you’re struggling to get up and get through the ordinary tasks of the day—then you may need to reach out for professional help.

But whether the transition is easy or fraught, Brunette always encourages parents to turn to God in prayer.

“Just trust that God is with you and with your child,” she said. “You can let go of that burden of feeling like you have to take care of that child like you used to. After all, this is what we raised them for.”

To connect with Brunette or more than a dozen other Pastoral Counselors about this or other life events, visit CatholicCounselors.org.

You Don’t Need Magic to Teach Good Manners

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Have you ever witnessed a young child being carried out of church while having a meltdown and yelling, “No thank you! No thank you!” Or, on a more positive note, maybe you’ve been impressed by the polite behavior of the same young children during coffee and donut hospitality after Mass.

How did their parents get such polite children?

It’s not magic, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak said on a recent CatholicHOM podcast.

The key is to recognize that manners are not essentially about social niceties or impressing other people; instead, they are grounded in the recognition that other people are children of God and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

“To use good manners simply means: Are we making them feel comfortable? Are we making them feel cared for and lifted up? That is the foundation of good manners,” Lisa Popcak said.

Manners, then, are an integral part of the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life.

To Get Well-Mannered Kids, Model Good Manners

The first step in teaching good manners is for parents to model them. Young children learn by observing the behavior of adults, especially their parents. So, if you want polite children, show what that looks like—starting with your own kids.

“We have a tendency to think that, well, because we’re parents and they’re kids, we don’t have to be polite to them,” Greg Popcak said. “We just tell them what to do and they should do it.”

But if we want our children to say please and thank you, for example, “they’re only going to learn it if we’re saying it to them,” Lisa Popcak said. “So, if you’re saying, ‘Get me a diaper for your baby brother’—no, we should be saying, ‘Please get me a diaper for your baby brother.’ And then when the child comes back with the diaper, ‘Thank you so much, I really appreciate that!’”

Similarly, instead of simply telling a toddler no (“No, don’t touch that”), you might say, “No, thank you!” Before long, your toddler will be using the same language when he wants to refuse something.

Lisa Popcak was initially skeptical of this approach when she saw a friend using it with her child. “Nobody talks that way to their children,” she recalled thinking. “You just tell them, no, they can’t do that.”

But as she watched her friend’s son for a while, she noticed he was able to communicate politely even during emotionally intense situations. Inspired by this, Lisa and Greg adopted the practice with their own kids, with “beautiful” results.

Habitually using polite language with children is especially helpful during periods of high emotional temperatures, because the language is a reminder that both parent and child have dignity that we want to uphold. “That brings down the emotional temperature and keeps our thinking brain engaged,” Lisa Popcak said.

The Magic of the Do-Over Technique

Another effective way to teach kids polite language is to use the “do-over” technique, Greg Popcak said.

When a child demands something rudely, parents can calmly say, “I understand you want this. Let’s try asking for it politely. Can you say, ‘May I please have…?’” It’s critical not to use an angry or scolding tone; instead, adopt a helpful tone—it’s more effective than an angry tone, and again, it models the type of behavior you want your child to use with others as he grows up.

It’s important to note that using the do-over technique doesn’t mean giving children everything they ask for, even if they ask politely.

For example, if a child says, “Give me the chainsaw!” you can guide them to rephrase it as, “May I please have the chainsaw?” Once they ask politely, you can respond with, “Thank you for being so respectful and kind in the way you asked for that, sweetheart. But no, you may not have the chainsaw; it’s not safe for you.”

The child may not get exactly what she wants, but your praise and approval is a powerful reward in itself.

Modeling Helpfulness

Finally, Greg and Lisa Popcak recommend modeling and teaching helpfulness. So, for example, if someone in the family is going to the kitchen for something, model (and teach) the practice of asking others whether they would like anything as well.

Similarly, when you’re doing chores around the house or helping someone out, when the task is completed, make it a habit to always ask, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Don’t, however, take advantage of this considerate question by continually adding more chores to the list, the Popcaks warn. While you might occasionally ask for more help (like when you’re preparing to have guests over), It’s only considerate to show appreciation and let the child do something else.

Again, it’s important to remember that, in a Christian household, the whole point of manners is not to follow an empty social convention.

“When we use good manners in our home…we are taking little steps to remind (one another) of their dignity and worth as children of God,” Greg Popcak said.

To hear the whole podcast and get personalized parenting help, sign up for the CatholicHOM app and look for CatholicHOM podcast episode 41, “Mind Your Manners!” You can also find Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Parenting with Grace books at CatholicCounselors.com.

Help Your Children Manage Mass (and Life) with Discipleship Discipline

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Heaven is no doubt filled with parents whose many virtues included taking their squirmy little kids to Mass—a comforting thought for any parent dealing with a mid-Mass meltdown.

But is it possible to avoid that meltdown in the first place?

Yes, it is, says Jacob Francisco, LMHC, a pastoral counselor at the Pastoral Solutions Institute who has many years of helping families and children as a family therapist.

“I promise you can do this even with a toddler,” Francisco said in a recent interview. “A two-year-old can learn to sit in the pew and be relatively well-behaved for the length of one Mass.”

Better yet, the same parenting skills that you use to help your kids get through Mass can be used in other settings as your kids get older.

Master Your Parenting Mindset: Connection, Not Control

Before we get down to brass tacks, take a moment to reflect on what comes to mind when you think of the word discipline. Your ideas about what that word means can profoundly shape the approach you take.

In the Discipleship Discipline approach promoted by the Pastoral Solutions Institute, the whole point of discipline is to help kids become the people God made them to be—healthy, loving, virtuous, and capable of realizing their full potential.

Most parents tend to be either too tough and rigid or much too gentle in their discipline, Francisco said. Striking a balance between these two approaches is crucial. Being overly harsh can damage the parent-child relationship, while being too lenient can lead to a lack of discipline and structure.

“We’re trying to hit that beautiful sweet spot in the middle,” he said.

And what does that “sweet spot” look like? Effective discipline isn’t about “controlling” kids, Francisco said, as much as it is about having a strong connection with kids so that they turn to you for help and guidance.

“Discipline is about building that trust and connection so they want to listen and follow you because they know you have their best interests at heart,” he said. “What you’re teaching your kid is that, really, true obedience comes from love. If we really love someone, we’re going to want to obey them. We’re going to want to follow them, which is ultimately the relationship we’re trying to have our children have with God.”

Once we understand discipline as connecting with our kids in order to teach them how to become who God made them to be, a lot of other things fall into place.

For now, though, let’s get back to the specific question of helping kids self-regulate their behavior during Mass.

Set the Conditions for Success

As you think about how to help your children self-regulate during Mass, the first step is to set them up for success. Just as a track coach might advise his team to hydrate and eat before a race, make sure young ones have a snack and use the bathroom (if they are toilet trained) before Mass to avoid hunger-related meltdowns, Francisco said.

We also want to be engaging with our children throughout the Mass, not only offering snacks or toys to “keep them quiet.” Instead we want to keep them connected. 

“They can get through an hour reading books or just being held or sitting on your lap, or you can be quietly whispering about things you see in the church,” he said.

Having a regular quiet time at home helps, too—it’s like practicing for a race before the real event.

“If the only time your kid is expected to be quiet is at Mass, it’s going to be a lot harder to get them to be quiet,” Francisco said. “But if they’re used to having to be quiet for a period of time, then Mass is going to be a piece of cake.”

Designate a period each day where your child engages in quiet activities like reading or drawing. This practice helps them learn to manage their behavior in a controlled, peaceful environment, making it easier to apply these skills in church.

Managing Mass Meltdowns

Even with all of these preparations, most parents have to deal with a loud, melting-down child sooner or later. What then?

Many parents pick up their child and head to the cry room, Francisco said—and then, when the child is all cried out, they stay there because it’s just easier.

“But if you want to teach your kid to be quiet and behave throughout the whole of the Mass, that’s not going to work,” he said. “All you’re doing is teaching them that we can go to the cry room and then I can play.”

Instead, when you remove a disruptive child from Mass, don’t put them down.

“Hold them the whole time,” Francisco said. “Once they’re calm, then you can go back to the pew. This helps them learn that Mass is not playtime.”

Francisco emphasizes that negotiating with a child during a meltdown often backfires. Instead of negotiating, empathize with their situation—while also providing clear and consistent boundaries.

For example, if a child is throwing a tantrum in the back of church, you might say, “I know you want to sit with Mom, but it’s Matthew’s turn to sit with Mom. You can sit with Mom after Matthew is done.”

An Approach for Every Age

You’ll need to adapt this approach to fit your particular circumstances, but the key elements should stay the same in almost any situation:

  • Stay connected. Show your child that you’re on her side, ready to help her get through her tough spot.
  • Set clear boundaries. Set clear and consistent boundaries and stick to them. Avoid harsh punishments while not permitting misbehavior.
  • Focus on coaching/teaching. Remember that your primary goal is to help your child learn how to be the person God made her to be.

In a way, then, helping a disruptive child at Mass is good practice for helping that same child through any number of other small crises during their childhood, adolescence, and young adult years.

Ultimately, it’s all about modeling for our kids the sort of relationship we want them to have with God, Francisco said. And there’s no better place to start than at Mass.

If you’d like more personalized help from Jacob Francisco or another Pastoral Counselor, reach out at CatholicCounselors.com. Also check out our community and resources for Discipleship Discipline while receiving personalized advice/support at CatholicHOM.com or the CatholicHOM app in the App Store or Google Play!

Three Tips for Better Time Outs

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What do you do when little Johnny decides that using his tongue to shoot corn across the dinner table is so funny he just can’t (or won’t) stop, despite your repeated requests?

What do you do when your tween daughter’s rage crosses a red line and she starts throwing things around the room?

If you’re like most parents, you probably give those kids a “time out.”

 

Time Outs: A Short History

The idea of giving kids a time out was first proposed in the 1960s by psychologist Arthur Staats. After extensive research, he concluded that briefly removing children from the place where they were misbehaving was much more effective in helping them develop self-control than the all-too-typical parenting approaches of the time, yelling or spanking.

Done properly, a time out removes the child from the circumstances that are causing the problem behavior (corn and an audience, in little Johnny’s case) and gives him or her a chance to focus on regaining self-control. As an added bonus, it gives frustrated parents a break, allowing them to cool down and figure out some productive next steps.

But parents and kids only reap those benefits if time outs are used appropriately. Dr. Staats taught that the technique needs to be applied consistently, and that children need to be warned of the consequences of their behavior in advance. Most importantly, time outs work best in the context of a positive parent-child relationship.

While many research studies have shown that time outs can be an effective approach to helping kids self-regulate, too often, well-meaning parents and guardians deploy time outs in ways that are ineffective, at best.

 

One Tool Among Many

Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak include a chapter on time outs in their parenting books, Parenting Your Kids with Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace. Tellingly, though, those chapters come late in the books, because they are preceded by other chapters aimed at cultivating strong, resilient parent-child relationships. Time outs have their place, but they should be only one of many “tools” in a parent’s toolbox.

 

Three Tips for More Effective Time Outs

Here, then, are some tips for using time outs effectively.

1. Nurturing a vibrant, resilient parent-child relationship comes first. Parents who use time outs as their only discipline method are likely to be disappointed with the results. A better approach is to focus on strengthening your connection with your child using methods such as collecting, “time-ins,” virtue prompting, positive reinforcement, coaching, team building, do overs, and family rituals, to name a few of the other techniques the Popcaks highlight. These practices make time outs less frequent—and more effective when they are needed.

 

2. Time out is about taking a break, not punishment. The main purpose of a time out is to help kids bring their emotional temperature down to a place where they can actually think straight. Once they feel calmer and more regulated, they are in a better place to deal with whatever problem or provocation set them off in the first place. (The Popcaks prefer to talk about “taking a break” with older kids and teens.) The discipline method developed by St. John Bosco, as well as the Theology of the Body developed by St. John Paul II, both point to the real purpose of discipline: helping children realize their full humanity in the image of God. The goal of a time out isn’t punishment; it is creating a space where parents can help kids be better people.

 

3. Make time for coaching or collaborative problem-solving, too. A common misstep is to release a child from time out without any follow up. But if the purpose of time out is to help the child be a better human, then once everyone is feeling calmer and more regulated, the next step is to sit down and do some coaching or collaborative problem solving.

 

In this post-time out phase, the focus is: What is a better way of handling this situation in the future? In other words, how can your child or teen meet his or her real needs in a way that respects you and others? In the case of little Johnny, you might agree that it’s OK to have a corn-spitting contest on the grass outside after dinner—but that it’s disrespectful of others at the table. In the case of your tween daughter, the follow-up conversation might be more involved, but the basic goal is the same.

For much more about effective parenting strategies rooted in Catholic wisdom, check out the Popcaks’ parenting books, Parenting Your Kids with Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace. Better yet, join their vibrant community of Catholic parents at CatholicHOM.com.

How to Give Helpful Advice Without Overstepping

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We’ve all been there, watching someone struggle with a problem without making any progress: the spouse who is perpetually late, the friend who won’t leave a dead-end relationship, the college graduate whose job search has stalled out.

Meanwhile, we can see exactly what they need to do to fix their problem…if only they would just listen!

It’s one thing to yell advice at the television as we watch our favorite team fall apart on the field. But when the person in question is someone close to us, our “helpful advice” will probably be ignored—or worse, met with annoyance.

There’s a better way to help the people closest to us, though, as Dr. Greg Popcak discusses in his book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. Here’s a summary of the process he outlines in chapter 2 of the book.

 

What’s Your Motivation?

Before offering your advice, take a moment to ask, “Why am I so eager to jump in with my two cents?”

Let’s face it: sometimes, it’s less about them and more about us looking for some kind of personal ego boost.

If we’re living a Christ-centered life, though, our main motivation should be to love the person in the way God loves them. The Christian definition of love is wanting the other’s good. Our aim, then, should be to help our friend or family member become more fully the person God intends for them to be.

Aligning our desire for the person we’re trying to help with God’s desire for them is absolutely critical. If we’re not on board with God’s plan for them, then we’re at risk of simply trying to impose our own wishes, desires, and preferences on the person we’re trying to help. Rather than helping the person become the unique and wonderful reflection of God’s image that they were made to be, we’re really trying to remake them in our own image.

The reality is, playing God is way above our pay grade.

 

Are You Invited to the Party?

Unless you’re in a formal mentoring or supervising relationship (as the parent of a child, for example), steer clear of offering advice that hasn’t been asked for.

“The rule of thumb when helping others is wait to be invited to the party before you offer to bring the potato salad,” Dr. Popcak writes.

That doesn’t mean you need to sit by biting your tongue. You can offer your help, respectfully: “I know you’re struggling with your job search. I think I might be able to help, if you want.”

Whether the person is open to hearing your advice or not, this approach strengthens your relationship because you’re showing up as a respectful ally, not a boss ready to take charge of their life.

 

Start with Listening

Listening is an act of love, the saying goes, and it’s a critical part of giving good advice.

“If you really are interested in helping a person become what God created him to be, your first step should be to ask him who he thinks that is, and then you should be quiet and listen,” Dr. Popcak says.

If “who does God want you to become?” is a little too abstract, break the question down. Ask them what qualities they want to be known for at the end of their life. Do they want to be known as a strong person? A loving person? Wise, prudent, patient, creative?

Next, ask a follow-up question: If the person were to live out those qualities in the situation that is causing the problem, how would he or she act differently? In other words, if they approached the problem in a way that lined up with their aspirations, how would the situation change?

Often, this question helps a solution to “snap into place,” Dr. Popcak says. Better yet, because the solution comes from inside the person and lines up with their own stated values, they are more likely to act on it.

 

For more ideas about how to help the people in your life, check out God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. Or, if you want more one-on-one advice, connect with one of more than a dozen Catholic counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Kids Behaving Badly? Follow These 3 Steps to Turn That Problem into an Opportunity

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Imagine you screw up at work one day, the kind of mistake that makes life harder for the whole team. Your boss pulls you aside to talk about it. Which approach would you prefer he take?

  1. Yelling at you and generally venting his frustration.
  2. Docking your pay or vacation time.
  3. Lecturing you about your dumb mistake.
  4. Working with you to figure out where things went wrong, then showing you a better way to do things the next time.

If you answered A, B, or C, please schedule a counseling appointment at CatholicCounselors.com as soon as possible!

But if you are a parent and you answered D, here’s a follow-up question: Which approach do you take with your kids when they screw up?

Many parents respond to their kids’ misbehavior with some sort of reactive punishment (options A, B, and C). That’s understandable, especially when we’re stressed; reactive punishments are quick and easy.

But this approach has big drawbacks, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak said recently on their CatholicHOM podcast. For one thing, while it might stop problem behavior in the short term, it doesn’t address the root cause of the behavior. This, in turn, can cause bigger problems in the long run. It also strains rather than strengthens the bond between parent and child.

And, ironically enough, it can leave parents feeling frustrated and powerless.

Instead of taking the quickest path to stopping kids’ misbehavior, the Popcaks urge parents to see problem behavior as an opportunity to help their child grow in maturity, and in the process, form a stronger bond with their child. This is the attitude Jesus took with the people he met; rather than focus only on stopping bad behavior, he worked for their growth and healing so that they would have a stronger relationship with him.

Here are three questions parents can ask to guide them through this Christ-centered approach to discipline.

 

1. What Is My Child Trying to Do?

The first question is, “What is my child trying to do?”

 “They’re trying to drive me crazy, of course!” might be your first response. But the reality is that even the most obnoxious behavior is rooted in the child trying to fulfill some need or desire. Identifying that need or desire opens the door to teaching the child a more appropriate way of meeting it.

For example, a child who whines or speaks disrespectfully is really trying to communicate their feelings or needs; they just don’t know how to do it appropriately.

Sometimes, figuring out a child’s intention is as simple as asking, “What were you hoping would happen by acting that way?” Other times, though, figuring out a child’s motivation for misbehaving may require parents putting themselves in the child’s place.

 

2. How Can I Teach My Child to Do Better?

The next question for parents to ask is, “How can I teach my child to meet their need or desire in a better way?”

Helping kids figure out more appropriate strategies for getting what they need or want is the heart of this Christ-centered discipline approach. If a child is whining or speaking disrespectfully, for example, the parent might model for her a more respectful tone of voice and choice of words.

Simply shutting down the behavior without teaching the child a better way to get what they want makes it more likely “they’re going to keep trying to meet that need in some kind of crazy way,” Lisa Popcak said. “And then you’re going to think, ‘They never listen to me. I’ve told them a thousand times. What’s wrong with them?’”

 

3. How Can I Teach My Child in a Way That Draws Us Closer?

The third question is, “How can I teach my child this new strategy in a way that makes us closer?”

Parents are often stumped by this question, Dr. Popcak said, but really, it’s as simple as asking yourself how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.

“Do you want someone to come along and shame you? Do you want someone to come along and take your important things away from you?” he said. “Or do you just want them to come alongside you and appreciate what you’re trying to do, and saying, ‘You know, I get it. That’s not the best way to do it, but I get where you’re coming from. Let’s figure this out together,’ and really work with you without making you feel like an idiot.”

 

A Catholic Approach Rooted in the Dignity of the Child

In the big picture, a Catholic approach to discipline is all about recognizing, respecting, and nurturing the inherent dignity of our children.

Each child is “a son or daughter of the most high God,” Lisa Popcak said. “That’s where their dignity comes from, and that’s what we have to train them into, step by step throughout their lives, by upholding that dignity…so they can treat other people the same way.

“That’s an incredibly Catholic way to parent.”

If you would like help applying this approach to your own family situation, consider joining CatholicHOM, the app for Catholic families, where you can drop a question into the community forum anytime. Or for more personal guidance, reach out to a Catholic family therapist at CatholicCounselors.com.

Give Your Kids ‘Little Lice’ (and Other Affectionate Touch) to Help Them Thrive

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In Latin America, they call it piojito—literally, “little lice”—but parents all around the world use this special form of physical affection to bond with their children. The Spanish name hints at the basic technique: parents draw their fingertips over their child’s head, back, or arm in short, gentle strokes.

The resulting sensation might remind some people of little lice, but the effect is more magical, evoking a warm, cozy feeling—and a sense of closeness between the person giving and receiving the touch.

It turns out that lightly stroking the hairy parts of our skin at just the right speed activates special nerve cells called C-tactile fibers. The activated CT fibers signal the release of dopamine, which in turn lights up parts of the brain that process sensation, emotion, and reward. The resulting burst of pleasure motivates us to seek out the same connection again, strengthening the relationship.

 

We’re Hard-Wired for Physical Affection

But if the idea of imitating creepy-crawly little bugs turns you off, don’t despair. Piojito isn’t the only way to connect with your kids; many types of physical affection are just as effective. 

What is most important, according to Dr. Greg Popcak, is for parents to be generous with appropriate physical affection.

“We’re hard-wired by God to long for affection and to want to be affectionate with each other,” Dr. Popcak says in a video on CatholicHOM, the Catholic parenting app. “In fact, for mental and physical well-being, affection is a more fundamental need than even food.”

The importance of so-called “social touch” for kids’ healthy development has been understood for decades. In the moment, physical affection measurably reduces stress and pain. But it also releases growth hormones, boosts the immune system, and strengthens brain development. Children who experience regular affectionate touch often display stronger cognitive skills, empathy, and emotional resiliency.

The benefits of physical touch last well into adulthood, according to one decades-long study by Duke University researchers of 482 people. The researchers found that individuals who received lots of affection from their mothers as eight-month-old infants “showed significantly lower levels of distress, anxiety and hostility” as 34-year-old adults.

 

But I’m Just Not Affectionate!

Parents sometimes tell Lisa Popcak, a family coach and vice president of the CatholicCounselors.com, that they’re “just not affectionate” or that their children aren’t affectionate. But while some people may shun affection due to a neurodevelopmental disorder such as autism, in most cases, “if we aren’t affectionate, it’s actually because somehow affection was trained out of us,” she says.

The good news is that even people who aren’t used to giving and receiving affection can train themselves to become more comfortable with it. But because this involves physical changes to our nervous system, it might take some time, much as it takes weeks or months of practice to develop a new physical skill.

Start by pushing yourself a little out of your comfort zone, Dr. Popcak advises, gradually building up to a more affectionate way of interacting with your kids.

 

7 Ways to Practice Physical Affection with Your Kids

Remember, too, that physical affection comes in many different flavors. Here are seven to try with your kids in the coming week:

  1.     Hugs, especially as part of a daily leaving or returning ritual
  2.     Cuddling on the couch
  3.     Gentle back and shoulder massage
  4.     Holding hands
  5.     Tickling, playful wrestling, or piggyback rides
  6.     Hand games (“Miss Mary Mack,” “Say, Say Oh Playmate,” “Stella Ella Ola,” etc.)
  7.     The gentle pressure of a soothing hand

And then, of course, there’s always piojito—the magic touch that soothes, calms, and connects…despite its association with “little lice.”

If you’d like more parenting help, come join our Catholic parenting community on the CatholicHOM app, where you’ll find the CatholicHOM Foundations course, a library of helpful videos and podcasts, and a supportive community of Catholic parents. For more in-depth help with family issues, visit CatholicCounselor.com.

But I don’t want to spoil them!–How to Have a Healthy and Positive Relationship With Your Child

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“I want to have a good relationship with my kids but I don’t want to spoil them!”

Does this statement feel familiar?

Attachment does not mean that you have to give your children everything they want, when they want it, and how they want it. It means listening to them, taking the time to understand why they want the things they want, and—if you can’t let them—brainstorming more godly and efficient ways that you could help them meet at least some of those needs in the here and now.

Alternatively, if you have to say no, as parents often must, it is always for a good and objective reason (for instance, your child’s safety or well-being) and not just because you don’t feel like it or because you reactively tend to say no to things out of stress and irritability.

In infancy and toddlerhood, fostering healthy attachment means responding promptly, generously, and consistently to cries. It means trusting the schedule God has built into your child for sleeping, feeding, and comforting and not making your child “cry it out” at night, or cry for long periods as a matter of habit during the day. Crying is never good for a child. It always means he needs help in regulating some system in his body (Sunderland, 2008). God gives parents the responsibility to attend to those cries promptly, just as he tells us He does in Psalm 34:4. “I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.”

As your child matures through childhood and adolescence, his needs become more complicated to meet. Parents should, as much as possible, use the “qualified-yes” technique in responding to these needs unless the request is for something that is truly contrary to the child’s well-being. For instance, if a child asked for something the parent couldn’t afford, the qualified-yes technique would have the parent say, “I can afford to contribute only X toward that, but let’s talk about ways you might be able to earn the difference if it is that important to you. Otherwise, this is what I can do. What do you think?” This would be as opposed to saying, for instance, “You want me to spend $250 on a pair of sneakers? Are you crazy?”

With the qualified-yes technique, the child learns that the parent is always someone to whom he can turn to get help in meeting his needs or making a plan by which those needs could be met. Because of this, even when the parent can’t supply what the child wants or needs, the child still feels attached because he has been heard and helped to come up with a plan. And, if the child decides that having that thing really isn’t worth the effort after all, it is he who makes that decision, and not the parent who makes himself an obstacle to achieving that need or want.

For more on how to use the qualified-yes technique as a way of fostering attachment through childhood and adolescence, check out our books Parenting Your Kids With Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens With Grace!

 

Quick Links and Resources:

Parenting Your Kids With Grace

Parenting Your Teens and Tweens With Grace

Discovering God Together