Helping Your Kids Discern the Big Decisions

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As Karen’s high school age daughter began looking at colleges, she set her heart on a large school across the country. That worried Karen, who felt that her daughter, though a good kid, was more of a follower than a leader. What if, Karen worried, her daughter fell in with the wrong crowd? But when she said that out loud, her daughter accused her of being controlling.

“I want to trust her, but I also feel like part of my job is to keep her from walking off a cliff,” Karen said in an email to Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, hosts of the More2Life radio show. ”Where’s the line between helping her discern and just imposing what I think is best?”

Karen’s instinct is right on target. As much as we might want to shepherd our kids around every pitfall that life throws their way, it’s far better to help them make good decisions on their own. But how do we do that?

Making Room for Kids to Practice Discernment

If we’re trying to teach our kids how to make good decisions, then instead of just telling them what the right answer is, “we have to kind of give up the idea that we have the right to kind of tell the child what to do,” Dr. Popcak said.

Yes, we parents have the right and responsibility to protect our kids’ well-being. But just as our kids won’t learn to ride a bike if we aren’t willing to give them some space, we also need to make room for them to practice decision making.

That practice can begin early with small decisions, said Rachel Watkins, developer of the Little Flowers Girls Club and a guest of the More2Life show. Even young kids can participate in a conversation about what to do over the weekend or where to go on vacation, she said. Even when it comes to big family decisions, like whether to accept a job offer or move to another state, kids can be invited to pray with Mom and Dad about the decision.

Start by Praying Together

Prayer is key to discernment, Greg and Lisa told Karen. They suggested that she and her daughter pray together about the decision—out loud, and addressing God, not one another.

“You’re talking to God in each other’s presence,” Lisa said. “You’re listening to each other while you’re both talking to God, and you’re asking the Holy Spirit to help you clue in to certain things that each other is saying.”

For example, Karen might talk to God out loud about her fears and concerns. Her daughter, in turn, might pray about how she feels controlled and not trusted by her parents. For this to work, it’s key that the prayer be genuine, not a lecture disguised as a prayer.

“You can use that prayer then as a springboard for deeper conversation,” Dr. Popcak said.

God Wants Us to Have an Abundant Life

Kids and adults alike will often ask whether the fruit of their prayer is really God’s voice, or just their own.

Dr. Popcak suggests that question is a red herring. “The question we need to be asking is, what direction does this voice lead in?” he said. “We can discover God’s will by prayerfully leaning into three qualities, meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue.”

Those three qualities offer kids (and adults) a compass for making important life decisions because they are the three pillars of the abundant life God wants for us. Anything that points toward meaningfulness, intimacy and virtue is likely from the Holy Spirit, while anything pulling toward powerlessness, isolation or self-indulgence is not.

As you and your child practice discerning together, ask:

  1.   Meaningfulness. Which option gives your child the best chance to use their gifts to make a positive difference? Not which looks most impressive, but where this particular young person has something to offer.
  2.   Intimacy. Which option leads to deeper, stronger, healthier relationships?
  3.   Virtue. Which option will challenge your child to become more of the whole, healed, godly, grace-filled person God made them to be? 

You Don’t Need Trumpets to Move Forward

Sometimes people will fall into the trap of waiting for an explicit, obvious sign that they are making the right decision: a flash of light, a voice from the sky, a trumpet fanfare.

But such signs are rare, and in most cases, we don’t really need anything more than to trust that God will walk alongside us, continuing to guide us as we go along. A prayerful, open spirit plus the “compass” of meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue will keep you and your child headed in the right general direction, which is seeking God’s loving will. As long as we desire to follow God’s will, God in his mercy will help us refine the course we’ve charted.

Dr. Popcak said that as he settles on a direction in his own life, he prays something like this: Lord, I brought this to you and I’ve investigated the things that are truly possible. This direction seems not only possible, but it also seems like it will lead me to greater meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue, so this is what I’m going to do. But if that’s not what you want me to do, please hit me upside the head and let me know.

Teach Your Kids to Fly

Lisa used a vivid image for the role that parents ought to play in helping their kids learn to discern big decisions. Don’t engage in helicopter parenting, she said, hovering over your kids to direct their every move. Instead, teach them to fly the helicopter. That means sitting alongside them as a mentor and guide…until they are ready to fly on their own.

For more on raising children who can hear God’s voice for themselves, see Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book Discovering God Together: The Catholic Guide to Raising Faithful Kids. And for personalized support with a big family decision, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

 

Marriage Is About So Much More Than “Who’s the Boss?”

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Mary Beth’s husband is, by most measures, a good man: hardworking, generous, and devoted to his family.

“But there’s another side of him that I’m struggling with,” she wrote in an email to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “Whenever I or one of the kids tries to raise a concern or if I gently suggest that he could have handled a situation differently, he explodes. He accuses me of disrespecting him, of trying to take over, of not honoring him as the head of the family. The conversation stops being about whatever the actual issue was and becomes about defending himself.”

Friends in her Bible study suggested that she stop criticizing him. “I don’t want to criticize him,” her letter continued. “I want to connect with him. But I’m starting to shut down emotionally and I don’t know how to reach him without setting him off. Is there a loving way forward here, or am I the problem?”

‘Be Subject to One Another’

The problem isn’t with Mary Beth, but with some common misunderstandings about what it means to be “head of the family” — and what true love really looks like.

A recent study found that 31 percent of Gen Z men — double the rate of boomers — believe wives should obey their husbands in all things. The trend may be connected with the wider movement to get back to more “traditional” values.

Among Christians, the belief that wives should submit to their husbands in all things often has its roots in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior” (5:21-23).

But the way that passage is sometimes interpreted is more idolatrous than Christian, the Popcaks said in their response to Mary Beth.

“Headship is not about bossing your wife and kids around,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s about setting the tone for service and spirituality in the home.”

To understand what genuine headship looks like, Dr. Popcak suggests looking to the role of the priest at Mass. The priest doesn’t dictate to the congregation — he presides in a way that makes the ordinary holy and draws everyone into a deeper relationship with God.

“The pagan vision of headship is autocratic and top-down: do what I say,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian vision is really liturgical. It’s about facilitating encounters with Christ in my home, making the faith the source of the warmth in my home, and being the servant leader who shows my family what it means to live sacrificial love.”

This isn’t a new idea. St. John Paul II offers a similar understanding in Familiaris Consortio: “Authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: ‘You are not her master,’ writes St. Ambrose, ‘but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife…. Reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love’” (#25).

And the pope was even more direct in his Theology of the Body catechesis on Ephesians 5:21-23: “The mutual relations of husband and wife should flow from their common relationship with Christ,” the pope said. “Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband, an object of unilateral domination.”

Real Love Works for the Good of the Other

What does this mean for someone like Mary Beth? When Dr. and Lisa Popcak addressed her question on air, they affirmed her desire for a “loving way forward,” but with some important clarifications.

First, Dr. Popcak explained that as much as her husband may mean well, he “learned growing up that it wasn’t okay to ever be wrong.” As a result, rather than using spiritual resources for the good of the family, he used them to defend himself.

Second, the Popcaks pointed out that accommodating his woundedness wasn’t really loving him. Real love means working for the good of the other, and in this case, that means inviting him to grow in wholeness and holiness.

Dr. Popcak suggested a basic script for that message: “I love you and I realize you’re trying to do your best. I’m not the enemy here, and neither are the kids. But you’re treating us like we are. And I love you too much to let that go on any longer…. So either we can work this out, you and I, or we can work this out with a counselor, but we’re going to work it out because I love you too much to let this continue any longer because it’s poisoning the family.”

That’s not necessarily an easy or comfortable conversation. Dr. Popcak said that many of his clients veer away from such a direct, honest call to conversion. But that’s a mistake.

As Lisa Popcak put it: “Saying ‘I just wish you’d stop’ is not prophetic. It doesn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t come from a place of godly strength.”

The message has to be clear—and it has to come from love, not fear.

What True Headship Looks Like

The sort of headship that demands “submission in all things” is more akin to idolatry than genuine fidelity to the Gospel. For husbands genuinely trying to lead their families well, Dr. Popcak offers the following advice.

  •  Lead toward Christ, not toward yourself. Your role is to draw your wife and children into a deeper relationship with God. When you position yourself as the one everyone must tiptoe around, you’ve made yourself the center rather than Christ.
  •  Facilitate, don’t dictate. “If you’re the chairman of the board, you don’t dictate the agenda,” Dr. Popcak said. “You facilitate the conversation by which decisions happen together.”
  • Take point in the spiritual life of the home. Initiate family prayer, lead conversations of depth, and model sacrificial service — don’t wait for your wife to carry the spiritual weight of the household.
  •  Welcome correction. A man secure in his identity as a beloved son of God doesn’t need to be right all the time. When his wife or children say that something hurt them, his first response is humility — not defense.

The Catholic vision of the family roots the relationship between the spouses in their mutual obedience to Christ. Fulfilling that vision doesn’t diminish either spouse’s authority, but roots it in Christ. When both spouses understand that they are called to mutual submission, mutual service, and mutual love, their marriage can become what it was always meant to be: a living sign of Christ’s love for his Church.

For more on leading your family with sacrificial love, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book The Be-DAD-itudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad. And for one-on-one support with difficult marriage dynamics, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.