How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

The amount of affection children receive from their parents has a huge impact on many aspects of their development, as we discovered in the first part of this two-part article: children who don’t receive enough affection from their parents (or other loving adult guardians) fail to thrive when they are young, and struggle more as adults. On the other hand, children who receive “extravagant” amounts of affection are more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties.

In this second part of our look at extravagant affection, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak address common questions that parents often ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

This article is based on Episode 17 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.

How Much Affection Is ‘Extravagant’?

As we learned in part one of this article, the term “extravagant affection” was popularized by the researchers behind a landmark 2010 Duke University study. By analyzing data from about 500 individuals, the researchers found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection” as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving. Only about 6 percent of the mothers in the study showed this level of affection toward their infants, although the majority were “warm” toward their children.

One of the first questions parents raise around this topic, the Popcaks say, is: How much affection is enough—and how much counts as “extravagant”?

“If you feel like you’re doing a little too much, then you’re probably doing just about enough,” Dr. Popcak advised.

Another measure that the Popcaks cited was Dr. John Gottman’s finding that the healthiest relationships exhibit a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. While he developed that principle based on his marriage research, subsequent work by other researchers has shown that the ratio holds true for parent-child relationships, too, Dr. Popcak said.

A third way of telling whether your kids are getting enough affection, the Popcaks said, is to notice the “emotional temperature” in your household. If things are getting “hot” and you’re getting more pushback than usual, it might be a sign that the amount of affection in your relationship has slipped, perhaps due to stress or busyness.

Affection Isn’t Just for Young Children

Parents often wrongly assume that it’s appropriate for affection to taper off as children grow into teens and young adults, but that is far from the case, the Popcaks said. People of all ages and genders need affection, although it may take different forms for different people. Remember the football player hugging his mother from the beginning of part one of this article? Teenage boys need affection just as much as anyone else, even if it looks different than the kind of affection you would give to a toddler.

“We think that affection is only for the child who can sit on our lap all the time,” Lisa Popcak said. “But there’s healthy, extravagant affection at all different age groups. Let them have that (affection) even through their teenage and young adult years.”

What If I’m Just Not an Affectionate Person?

“But I’m just not an affectionate person!” It’s a common objection the Popcaks often hear from parents.

“if you aren’t a particularly affectionate person, it’s because it was trained out of you,” Dr. Popcak said. “If you have learned because of your family of origin to not be affectionate, that’s actually a wound that God wants to heal, because he didn’t create you that way.

“That doesn’t mean you have to be exuberantly affectionate overnight,” he continued. “It just means this is something to kind of work on gently and intentionally, over the course of your lifetime so that you can receive all the generous affection that God wants to share with you and all the generous affection that God wants you to experience from the people that he’s placed in your life.”

You can turn to God for help with this, Lisa Popcak said. “Say to God, ‘Lord, let me borrow a little bit of your affectionate love for my kids today and help me to show it to them. Heal this inside of me that I’m struggling and help me develop this relationship with them.’”

Affection Is About Making a Connection

Affection will look different from person to person, but at bottom, it’s about making a warm connection with the other person. Dr. Popcak points to the language of researcher John Gottman, who describes affection as all the small, everyday ways that people seek attention, affirmation, or emotional support from one another. These bids can take many forms, such as a smile, a question, a touch, or even a sigh. By “turning toward” a bid for connection—acknowledging it, engaging with it, or reciprocating the gesture—we strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship.

“You know, so eye contact, that smile when you see them walk in the room, that effort to actually look at them when you’re talking to them,” Dr. Popcak said. “If they’re little, getting down on their level and talking to them…. Stop and give them compliments and tell them what they’re doing well and just let them know that you enjoy being around them.”

That might look different with older kids, Lisa Popcak said. “Come up to your teenage son and give him that hug around the shoulder: ‘Hey, I’m really proud of what you’re doing,’ or ‘How was your day today?’ or walking by them when they’re doing their studies and ruffling their hair.

The Popcaks offered some specific examples of ways to show your kids affection:

  • Hug your child in the morning and before bed.
  • Pause to look them in the eyes and ask about their day.
  • Sit close during family activities, such as movie nights or prayer time.
  • Offer affirming words regularly, like, “I’m proud of you” or “I love having you in my life.”
  • Include physical touch during moments of connection, such as a squeeze of the hand or a gentle touch on the shoulder.

Extravagant affection is a powerful gift. It helps kids—and adults—thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And as you show love to your family, you’re giving them a tangible experience of God’s unending affection for them.

You can learn more strategies for developing warm, affectionate relationships with your kids in the Popcaks’ books, Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids and Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

The Many Benefits of ‘Extravagant’ Affection

After winning the last game of his high school football career, the young man rushed over to his mother, and the two embraced in a big hug.

“He still fits in his mother’s arms!” his father wrote when he posted a photo of the moment on social media.

The family are friends of Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, founders of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and hosts of the CatholicHOM podcast.

It was a beautiful moment, Lisa Popcak said on an episode of the podcast dedicated to nurturing affection between parents and their kids. Moments like these underscore how the daily practice of showing affection creates lasting connections that children carry into adulthood. But the moment didn’t just happen; rather, it was the culmination of an “affection connection” the boy and his parents had intentionally nurtured throughout his life.

Happy moments like this are not the only benefit of making intentional, affectionate connections with your kids (and spouse!) every day. Affection builds trust and resilience in families, making family life easier and more pleasant, even when things get tough. And giving kids plenty of affection helps them grow up to be more confident, resilient, and satisfied as adults.

Why is affection (or the lack of it) such a powerful force in the development of children? The Popcaks point to decades’ worth of research for an explanation.

The Science Behind Affection

For many decades now, research has increasingly clarified the important role that affection plays in the development of happy, healthy adults.

In the mid-20th century, for instance, studies of infants raised in orphanages with minimal physical contact revealed alarming rates of failure to thrive. These infants often exhibited stunted growth, delayed development, and emotional difficulties.

“Biologically, neurologically, we were created to need touch, to crave affection even more than food,” Dr. Popcak said. As the Church teaches, God made us to be in relationship with one another (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1890 – 1891), and affection helps strengthen those relationships.

But the impact of affection on human development goes way beyond the quality of our relationships. A landmark 2010 Duke University study of about 500 individuals found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection,” displayed by about 6 percent of the mothers, as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving.

Other studies show the profound physiological impact of affection. When parents and children share moments of touch—whether it’s a hug, holding hands, or sitting close together—their bodies “sync up,” the Popcaks said. Heart rates slow, breathing becomes calmer, and stress diminishes.

“Our bodies actually sync up with each other,” Dr. Popcak said. “The slower heart rate of the person giving another person a hug slows down the heart rate of the person receiving the hug.”

This physiological alignment fosters a sense of safety and connection that strengthens relationships on a deep, almost instinctive level.

How Affection Supports Healthier Relationships

Extravagant affection also helps kids form and maintain healthy relationships outside of the family, both growing up and later on as adults.

“Healthy, appropriate, extravagant affection in the home teaches kids how to get their need for affection met in healthy and appropriate and holy ways,” Dr. Popcak said.

“This is very important,” Lisa Popcak agreed, “because when (kids) have the experience with mom and dad of having healthy, extravagant affection, they get filled up and they get a sense in their very bones of what is true and healthy affection and what is false affection.”

In other words, kids who receive all the affection they need from their parents are less likely to seek it elsewhere in inappropriate ways. And kids who grow up in an affectionate family have a “standard model” to measure other relationships against as they move into the teen and young adult years.

Parents who practice extravagant affection also reap the benefits of a stronger, more resilient relationship with their child. Not only do the parents get more affection in return (and parents need affection, too, Lisa Popcak says), but it becomes easier for parents to teach kids how to be good and responsible people.

“When I have a strong affection connection with my kids, my kids are more likely to give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the rules that I’m laying down, because they understand on even a physical level that I’m working for their good, that I really do love them,” Dr. Popcak said. “They feel that love and they understand that the rules that I’m laying down are coming from a healthier place.”

On the other hand, Dr. Popcak said, the popular parenting maxim “rules without rapport lead to rebellion” is more likely to hold true when affection has been lacking in the relationship.

“And so the defensiveness, that pushing back on rules or eye rolling is one of the earliest signs that maybe the affection connection isn’t what it should be,” he said, adding that this is not always the reason for that behavior.

Not Just ‘Nice to Do’

Extravagant affection is not just a feel-good practice; it’s a powerful tool for nurturing trust, resilience, and connection within families. Whether it’s a hug, a kind word, or simply being physically present, these intentional acts of love create a foundation for healthier relationships, stronger family bonds, and a more peaceful home life. As the research shows, affection positively shapes children’s emotional and relational development, while also making the job of parenting easier and more rewarding. By embracing this approach, parents can help their kids grow into confident, secure, and loving adults.

This is the first part of our two-part article about the importance of extravagant affection. In part two, we’ll look at some common questions that parents ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

In the meantime, if you want more tips for building strong, loving relationships in your family, join the CatholicHOM community for daily support and encouragement. Once you’re there, you can listen to the full podcast that was the basis for this article by looking up Episode 17 in the CatholicHOM podcast section.

How to Cope as Kids Leave the Nest

As any new parent quickly learns (usually in the middle of the night), raising kids can be both joyful and really challenging. And while it may be hard to believe during those 2 a.m. feedings, saying goodbye to young adult children as they head off for a new life can be one of the tougher moments.

Anne Brunette, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., had a rough few weeks after dropping her oldest child off at a university five hours away.

“I cried the whole way home,” she said in a recent interview. “I called a friend, I talked to my husband. I wrote her a couple of letters and we talked a lot in the beginning, and it gradually kept getting better.”

Since seeing off that first child, she has gone through the same process with two sons as well. “And I will have to tell you next year at this time how it goes with the youngest,” she said, laughing. “That’s going to be its own challenge.”

In the meantime, as a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, she has helped plenty of other parents navigate the transition from childhood to young adulthood.

Most parents experience a whirlwind of feelings, with joy, pride, and excitement living right alongside worry, anxiety, regret, and sadness. Like Brunette herself, most parents find their way through this mini-crisis to a new, richer relationship with their child.

Still, some people have a particularly tough time due to confounding circumstances. Even when that’s not the case, there are practices that help make the transition easier. Here’s Brunette’s advice.

Prepare for a Smooth Transition in Advance

In general, the more prepared you are for this transition, the better it is likely to go, Brunette said. Investing in the relationship throughout your child’s life by prioritizing family time and creating family rituals that help you connect with one another will go a long way.

But if you haven’t had an ideal relationship with your child, don’t spend a lot of time on regret, she said. Instead, look forward to what you can do to build the relationship now. “I’ve seen it many times where the relationship wasn’t necessarily as close as anyone would have wanted it, but with vulnerability, with humility, relationships can grow at almost any age.”

In the months running up to your child’s departure, have conversations about what the relationship will look like after he leaves. Be open with your emotions; share your hopes and expectations with one another.

“Not in a ‘Okay, this is what we expect of you’ way,” Brunette said, “but just a sharing of emotions about the leaving and a sharing of hopes for what the relationship can look like in the future with this change.”

Be concrete: How will you communicate, and how often? As your child gets her footing in young adult life, how much help from Mom or Dad is enough—and how much is too much?

Rituals can help ease the transition, too. Some families have a special meal or sending-off gathering. A family blessing can be powerful, too, Brunette said.

“It provides a ritual that is memorable and where everyone is able to share perhaps what they will miss about that person, but also their hopes for that person,” she said. “It gives that person a sense of ‘sending forth,’ but also that sense of, ‘you can still find support here.’ Even though you’re going out, you have our love, you have our support.”

Remind your child, too, that by virtue of her baptism, she has been commissioned to bring the Gospel out into the world. This is a new phase of that ongoing, lifelong mission.

 

Embrace a New Relationship

One strategy that can help to blunt the sense of loss you might feel when a child leaves home is to very intentionally focus on what gifts will emerge from the change.

“There’s a joy that often happens when that child comes back a semester later, a year later, and you witness so much growth,” Brunette said. “And you’re able to have a different kind of relationship with that adult child that just can be so special.”

At the same time, the transition to independent young adulthood—whatever it looks like—puts both you and your child on new ground, and it can take a while to find your footing.

“You have to recognize what you can control and what you can’t,” Brunette said.

Don’t make the mistake of demanding, lecturing, or guilt-tripping your young adult child. Not only do such strategies not work, but they can push her away. “The most influential thing is to have a good relationship.”

She regularly recommends Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons and Daughters by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak (also of the Pastoral Solutions Institute). The book explains how to nurture your relationship with your adult child, and how to support him or her without endorsing choices you don’t agree with.

“We all make mistakes; we all go through ups and downs with our faith life. Your adult children are going to make mistakes, too,” Brunette said. “And that’s okay. That’s how we learn. So try not to push what you think they should do, unless they ask. If they invite your advice, that’s fine. But if they don’t, don’t give it; just focus on the relationship.”

 

What If It Doesn’t Get Better?

It’s normal to feel sad, lonely, or blue for a few days or weeks after your child leaves home. But sometimes, the transition can trigger bigger issues, Brunette said. She named a few examples:

  •  Loss of identity. If your own identity has revolved around your role as a parent, or if you have an especially close relationship with your child, you might be thrown into an identity crisis, wondering, “What am I going to do with myself now?”
  • Marital problems. Without kids in the house, long-simmering marital problems can suddenly come into focus.
  • Dealing with past trauma. If you experienced past trauma, especially neglect or abuse, the departure of your child might bring all of those issues to the surface again. “if you’re really feeling strong emotions about being left or being alone, that perhaps could connect to some past experience that was really difficult,” Brunette said.

If you are dealing with any of these issues or experiencing symptoms of significant depression—for instance, you’re struggling to get up and get through the ordinary tasks of the day—then you may need to reach out for professional help.

But whether the transition is easy or fraught, Brunette always encourages parents to turn to God in prayer.

“Just trust that God is with you and with your child,” she said. “You can let go of that burden of feeling like you have to take care of that child like you used to. After all, this is what we raised them for.”

To connect with Brunette or more than a dozen other Pastoral Counselors about this or other life events, visit CatholicCounselors.org.

But I don’t want to spoil them!–How to Have a Healthy and Positive Relationship With Your Child

I want to have a good relationship with my kids but I don’t want to spoil them!”

Does this statement feel familiar?

Attachment does not mean that you have to give your children everything they want, when they want it, and how they want it. It means listening to them, taking the time to understand why they want the things they want, and—if you can’t let them—brainstorming more godly and efficient ways that you could help them meet at least some of those needs in the here and now.

Alternatively, if you have to say no, as parents often must, it is always for a good and objective reason (for instance, your child’s safety or well-being) and not just because you don’t feel like it or because you reactively tend to say no to things out of stress and irritability.

In infancy and toddlerhood, fostering healthy attachment means responding promptly, generously, and consistently to cries. It means trusting the schedule God has built into your child for sleeping, feeding, and comforting and not making your child “cry it out” at night, or cry for long periods as a matter of habit during the day. Crying is never good for a child. It always means he needs help in regulating some system in his body (Sunderland, 2008). God gives parents the responsibility to attend to those cries promptly, just as he tells us He does in Psalm 34:4. “I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.”

As your child matures through childhood and adolescence, his needs become more complicated to meet. Parents should, as much as possible, use the “qualified-yes” technique in responding to these needs unless the request is for something that is truly contrary to the child’s well-being. For instance, if a child asked for something the parent couldn’t afford, the qualified-yes technique would have the parent say, “I can afford to contribute only X toward that, but let’s talk about ways you might be able to earn the difference if it is that important to you. Otherwise, this is what I can do. What do you think?” This would be as opposed to saying, for instance, “You want me to spend $250 on a pair of sneakers? Are you crazy?”

With the qualified-yes technique, the child learns that the parent is always someone to whom he can turn to get help in meeting his needs or making a plan by which those needs could be met. Because of this, even when the parent can’t supply what the child wants or needs, the child still feels attached because he has been heard and helped to come up with a plan. And, if the child decides that having that thing really isn’t worth the effort after all, it is he who makes that decision, and not the parent who makes himself an obstacle to achieving that need or want.

For more on how to use the qualified-yes technique as a way of fostering attachment through childhood and adolescence, check out our books Parenting Your Kids With Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens With Grace!

 

Quick Links and Resources:

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