By: Emily Stimpson

Last night was a Thursday night. Which means that my house was filled with friends and food and babies.  Like they do every Thursday, my guests arrived around six in the evening, bearing both children and wine. Most piled into the kitchen, doing their best to keep out of my way while I finished dinner preparations, and, as always, failing miserably in that attempt. I pushed the same person away from the stove no less than six times. I poured hot oil over a vat of pasta while a two-year-old ran in between my legs. I inquired politely about everyone’s day, chatted with a five-year-old about her new haircut, and admired no less than four infants, all while getting dinner on the table.  The next hour and a half was the usual blur of 20 plus adults eating and talking in the living room, while the children ran upstairs and down, shaking the very windows with the movement of both their feet and their vocal chords. There were only 12 of them, but somehow there seemed to be 30. That, I have decided, is because small children tri-locate.

After dessert, one or two kind souls took to the kitchen to get the dishes underway. At eight, the families left. By ten, the single people were gone as well. I washed the last of the dishes, stacked the folding chairs in the basement, threw a few dolls into the toy box in the living room, and, sometime after eleven-thirty, collapsed into bed.  That routine will repeat itself next week, and the week after, and the week after that. It will, in fact, continue as long as I can make it continue. As crazy and chaotic as the evening always is, it is still a joy and delight. It is the hardest and most exhausting thing I do each week. It is also the most important.  In the six years I’ve hosted this dinner, I’ve seen babies born, grow into children, and form fast friendships with one another. I’ve seen their parents form friendships too-perfect strangers once, family now. We cook meals for one another when new little ones arrive, travel across the country together when parents pass away, and fix each other’s roofs when storms strike. Even though most of us are far from our siblings and parents, none of us lack the help we need to get through the wild days and nights of our lives.

And that’s why my friends come to this dinner, week after week. They come because they need to. They need the company and the chance to talk, laugh, and break bread with others. They need friendship. They need community.  So I open my house every Thursday. Sometimes I do it more graciously than others, but I do it nonetheless. I give the gift of my hospitality, however imperfectly, so that community can flourish. That’s what hospitality does: It builds communities. It calls us out of ourselves, out of our own families and worlds, and connects us to our neighbor. It challenges us and blesses us, enabling our lives and our children’s lives to be enriched by people with gifts, personalities, and wisdom different from our own.  Practicing hospitality has taught me that. It’s taught the same to generations of women who’ve presided over dinner parties, poured afternoon tea, and set a place for a stranger at their table.  Giving the gift of hospitality isn’t easy, not for me or anyone else, married or single. It requires sacrifices of time and money. It requires making yourself vulnerable to the judgments of others. It often requires setting your own desires aside. And today, giving that gift may be harder than ever, the postmodern world having turned women’s lives into such a tangled skein of commitments and demands that finding time to invite one more person into our home can seem all but impossible.

But it’s not.

My Thursday night dinners are a singular thing, done on the scale required to prevent a single woman from falling completely into the abyss of selfishness. But there are a thousand smaller ways to practice hospitality. Hosting bridal luncheons, throwing the occasional cookout, or simply inviting a friend over for coffee are all ways to build community and show our love for Christ by loving our neighbor. All are occasions for “entertaining angels unaware” (Heb. 13:2).  Giving the gift of hospitality is what Scripture calls women to do. 1 Timothy 5:10 instructs that no widow is to be cared for unless she has “shown hospitality.” That’s also what so many people, living amidst the loneliness and alienation of this post-modern world, are calling out for women to do: to be as generous and as welcoming as they can, even in the midst of their own crazy chaotic lives.  If you answer that call, you will, of course, be inviting only more craziness and chaos into your life. But you will also be inviting angels. And they will bless you for that.

Credit to Emily Stimpson  of EmilyStimpson.com

 

Dr. Gregory Popcak

Tom and Gina just had their first child, a baby boy named Christopher.   Both Tom and Gina’s parents were overjoyed.   In particular, Karen, Gina’s mom, was especially excited because it was her first grandchild.   She knew it would be an adjustment for Tom and her daughter, so she went for a two-week visit to try to help out.  Unfortunately, what was supposed to be a great mother-daughter bonding opportunity turned into a disaster.  “I’ve never been more hurt in my life, certainly not by my daughter.”   Said Karen.   “She acted like I couldn’t do anything right.   I tried to take the baby so she could get some rest and she got upset.   She’s trying to nurse, but she was having a little bit of a hard time, so I offered to give the baby a bottle and take some of the pressure off her and she just lost it.   I bought her a baby swing–she loved hers when she was little–but wouldn’t use it the whole time I was there.   Everything I did was wrong.   I ended up leaving after a week.   I’m just devastated.”

Becoming a grandparent is a milestone that we all expect will be one of the most joyful times in our lives.   But the reality is often at least a little bumpier than people expect it will be.   For some, the challenge is figuring out how to relate to their adult children. Others can feel as if their own parenting skills are being negatively   judged when they see their grandchildren being raised differently than they raised their children.   For other’s, it the mini-crisis brought on by, “I’m not old enough to be a grandparent, am I?”  The good news is that new grandparents don’t have to trip over these and other common hurdles.     The following are some suggestions for negotiating terms of your grandfather (or grandmother)   clause.

Learn to Love the Reality More than Your Fantasy

When people approach the major milestones in life like marriage, childbearing and grandparenting, they often have a fantasy about how it’s “supposed” to be.     But our ability to be happy in any state in life tends to depend upon how quickly we’re able to adjust our expectations to–and make peace with–the reality of our situation over our fantasy.  “I used to imagine that my grandkids would be over all the time and that I’d be able to see them whenever I wanted,”   says  Jean, who has three kids and 5 grandchildren.   “But shortly after having their kids, all of my children ended up having to move out of town because of job situations.   The closest ones are 3 hours away.”

Jean’s learned to adjust.   “There are more ways to stay in touch than ever these days.   I’m not really a tech person, but I had my kids show me how to text and Skype and other things you can do.   Between that and making regular trips back and forth I’m more involved in their lives now that my parents ever were in my kids’ lives.   And we lived on the same block when we started out!”  Jean tells the story of a friend of hers who can’t make the jump.   “My friend Carol’s kids live long distance now too and she’s miserable.   I’ve tried to show her how I stay in touch with my grandkids, but she just keeps saying, ‘It’s not the same.’   She doesn’t even try.   It’s like she’d rather be lonely and miserable.”  Life doesn’t always work out the way we’d imagine it would but when we’re willing to meet life on its own terms instead of wishing it were different, we can actually enjoy life more than we imagined.

Don’t Play a Role.   Be Real.

A close second to loving reality more than your fantasy is “Don’t play the role of grandparent.   Be a real grandparent.”  We all want to love people how WE want to love them and do for people what WE want to do for them.   It’s hard to ask people what they need from us because they might tell us and then we’d have to do THAT instead.   When we do this, we end up just playing the role of a loving person instead of being a loving person to the people we are trying to love.

Grandparents who have the best relationship with their kids and grandkids take their cue from their kids and grandkids.   “My parents love to give gifts.   They think the more gifts the better, no matter what they are, “ says Bill, the father of 3 kids, ages 14, 12, and 9.   “But they don’t have a lot of money, so they go to the dollar store and buy,  like, 100 things and wrap them all individually.   The kids get tons of presents and hate most everything.   We’ve taught the kids to say ‘thank you’ and be polite about it–they know my folks mean well–but my parents never understand why the kids aren’t jumping up and down for joy.   I’ve told them 1000 times, ‘Mom.   Dad.   Just buy one, thoughtful, thing.’   I would even tell them what to get if they’re stuck. But they’re heck-bent on doing things their way and then they wonder why the kids groan when they see mom and dad with a big garbage bag full of gifts.   I feel bad about it and part of me feels guilty that we’re not all more grateful for their effort, but the truth is they’re not really giving the kids presents.   They’re giving themselves presents at the expense of what would genuinely make our kids happy.   They do lots of things like that. They don’t do what you ask. They do what they want. I try to talk to them about it and they just say, ‘Don’t tell us how to be grandparents.’   Yeah, well, I feel like someone needs to.”  Good grandparents don’t make grand-parenting about themselves.   They made it about being there for their kids and grandkids in a way that will be meaningful to their kids and grandkids.

Hold Off on the Advice-Giving

This one is tough.   You have a lot of wisdom and experience.   You want to share it with your kids.   Chances are, you will get your opportunity. But do yourself and your kids a favor.   Wait until you’re asked for advice before you give it.   If you aren’t sure whether to speak up or pipe down, and your kids seem to be struggling, feel free to offer, “Honey, parenting is tough, and if you ever want to talk something out with me or get some ideas don’t ever hesitate to ask, but regardless, just know I love you and support you.” Offering support instead of advice is the best way to be invited to give more of both.

Take the Long View (Faith and values stuff)

There is precious little that is more heartbreaking than seeing our adult children appear to leave the faith behind or not raise our grandkids Catholic.  Terri was heartbroken when she found out her kids weren’t going to baptize her granddaughter, Emily.   “I couldn’t believe it.   I know that they haven’t gone to church in a while, but I just thought they would get the baby baptized at least!   They just said it’s not part of their lives and they weren’t going to do it and nothing I said made a difference.   I’m just sick about it. A friend of mine suggested baptizing Emily on the sly when I babysit.   I’m thinking about it, believe me, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do.”

Just to be clear, secret baptisms over the parents’ objections are definitely not–in a manner of speaking–kosher.   Capice?   We can only propose, not impose, when it comes to influencing our adult children, not only on matters of faith and values but in other life matters as well.   We especially need to respect the Church’s wisdom that parents, not grandparents, are the authority in our grandkids lives.   No end-runs allowed.  If you are frustrated   by the choices your adult children are making, especially around passing on the faith and values they were raised in to your grandkids, try to take the long view.   First, make sure that you are praying for your family.   The Holy Spirit is responsible for conversion, not us.   When we bring our family to God, he will find opportunities for us and others to bring them back to him.

Second, don’t lecture.   Lead.   Ask yourself what it would take for you to be a more credible witness of your faith and values.   Our faith and values are not merely something we have and church can’t just be something we go to.   Our faith, values, and religious involvement should be a source of joy and strength in our lives.     The degree to which our adult kids can see that our faith, values and religious involvement challenges us to grow, strengthens us through hard times,  enables us to have healthy and loving relationships, and lead a joyful life despite the struggles is directly related to how credible they will see us as examples of how to live.   If your kids aren’t passing on your faith, values, or religious commitments on to their kids, it may be that there are ways you are unintentionally undermining your witness.   If so, instead of lecturing your kids, or trying to do an end run around them by teaching your grandkids about the faith behind your kids backs, work on developing your own witness to the power of faith in your life.

Of course, even when a grandparent’s personal witness is strong, we must respect that everyone comes to God in their own way and in their own time.   We have to be patient.   Go ahead and invite your kids to participate in faith related activities with you, and to consider your values in making decisions, just resist the temptation to lecture or nag.

Growing into Grand-parenting

The most important thing to remember though is that grandparenting is an evolving role and there is no cookie-cutter way to do it any more than there is a cookie-cutter way to be a parent.   Good grandparents do what good parents do.   They pray for their family.   They lead by example.   They listen and serve the way their family needs them to serve not just the way they want to serve.   And they change what they can to be better sources of love and support.   It’s a simple formula, but it’s one that helps grandparents be everything they would like to be to their family.

If you are a grandparent or a parent who finds themselves struggling with any of the aforementioned issues, contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach today to get the help you need to succeed in all your relationships.

By: PaxCare Staff

Trust Issues

It can be difficult to know whether you can trust someone in the first place.  It can be especially difficult to know  how to trust someone again if they have hurt you.

Some people respond to the question by trusting people almost completely and backing off only when they get hurt.     Others do the opposite, witholding trust until someone has jumped through enough hoops to prove themselves.       Obviously, neither approach works.

In dealing with the question of trust, the most important thing to remember is that trust is not an all or nothing proposition.   It is possible to trust a person in some areas or with some responsibilities but not in other areas.   So how do you know what those areas are and to what degree you can trust a person in any context?   It comes down to three factors.

3 Trust Factors:   Ability, Integrity, Benevolence

Research shows that trust is made up of three different components; ability, integrity and benevolence.

Ability—refers to a person’s capacity for doing what they say they are going to do.   To what degree does a person only promise what they are actually capable of doing?   Does that person actually follow through on promises or does that person say all the right things in the moment but then fail to show up later?     The answer to questions like these will either support or undermine trust that is related to ability.

Integrity—means that a person has a sufficiently well-developed value system that they tend not to give offense in the first place, tend to self-correct when they do or are at least willing to generously hear and respond proactively when they are told they have been offensive.   A person with impaired integrity doesn’t tend to care that he has given offense and becomes automatically defensive if told he has been hurtful in some way.   A person who has impaired integrity only gives apologies grudgingly and rarely displays the humility necessary to learn from missteps.   That’s because they don’t have enough of an internalized value system to check their own behavior against.   Such a person does what they want until they meet some force that stops them. Obviously, it is harder to trust a person who operates this way.

Benevolence—refers to the degree to which the person you want to trust has shown you that he or she is willing to work for your good especially when it has required some sacrifice or inconvenience on his or her part. A person who is willing to put themselves out for your sake is more worth of your trust than someone who isn’t.

Evaluating a person’s ability, integrity, and benevolence enables you to have a clearer sense of how much you can trust someone, in what contexts, and to what degree.   It can also give you a guide for dealing with those you have a hard time trusting by helping you highlight why and what might be done to resolve those obstacles to trust.

Having trust issues with someone you know? Contact your PaxCare Tele-coach  and get the skills you need to suceed.

By: PaxCare Staff

Genesis 2:18 tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.”   The theology of the body builds on this idea to assert the donative meaning of our body and science has ample examples of why people are social by nature.   Add this one to the list.

“But You Gotta Have Friends..”

According to new research, if you’re struggling with self control, the best way to achieve it is to surround yourself with strong-willed friends.

We all desire self-control – the resolve to skip happy hour and go to the gym instead, to finish a report before checking Facebook, to say no to the last piece of chocolate cake. Though many struggle to resist those temptations, new research suggests that people with low self-control prefer and depend on people with high self-control, possibly as a way to make up for the skills they themselves lack.

…The findings are particularly interesting because previous research has typically focused on the downsides of low self-control, such as poorer academic achievement and health outcomes. But this new research suggests that individuals who lack self-control may actually have a unique skill: the ability to pick up on self-control cues in others and use those cues to form adaptive relationships.

“What we have shown is that low self-control individuals seem to implicitly surround themselves with individuals who can help them overcome temptation – you get by with a little help from your friends,” says (lead researcher) Catherine Shea.   (READ MORE)

Ask and You Shall Receive  

This shouldn’t be  a huge surprise for anyone who has ever tried to diet or exercise—or make any other major change—on their own, but the piece that I think is important to emphasize is how important reaching out to others is when trying to make a change.   Often, clients who are struggling with anger, or trying to overcome a porn addiction, or recover from infidelity, are asked what they think they need to do to change their ways.   The most common response is, “I just need to not do that anymore.”

If only it were that simple.   None of us  like to show our weaknesses to others, but when we can find the courage to openly discuss our problems—especially with people who are in the position to help us, we can borrow a little of their health and strength to make up for what we lack.   Pride is the deadliest sin because it stops us from being willing to ask for help.   If you’re looking to make a change, reach out to someone who has the strength you’d like to borrow today.

Looking for someone to confide in? Contact your  PaxCare Tele-coach  to discuss any of the challenges discussed in this article or anything you may be struggling with in your everyday life. Talk to us to get the skills you need to succeed.