Reconnecting with God After Loss Shakes Your Faith

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Terry had been married to his wife for fifty-two years when she passed away, leaving him feeling hollow, empty, and spiritually disconnected.

“I just don’t feel the presence of my faith,” he said during an episode of More to Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. Although he didn’t blame God for his loss, he struggled deeply with the silence and emptiness. “I feel dead inside,” he told the Popcaks.

Terry’s experience isn’t unique. In fact, the Popcaks say it is normal to feel dead and disconnected from God in the wake of profound loss.

“The natural human response to suffering and grief is just to dig a hole and lie down in it and to wish we would never come back up again,” Dr. Popcak said.

But the good news is that as much as we might feel abandoned by God, in reality, he accompanies us in our pain. Here are five tips for how to reconnect with God in the midst of profound grief.

1. Listen for Whispers of Hope

Intense grief changes the way we view the world, and even the way we interact with others—including God. The pain of loss can make it difficult to “tune in” to God’s presence the way we used to.

Often, though, we can still find God in the occasional “whispers of hope” that break through the fog of pain.

“If there’s any part of you that says there’s something more, and I should want that,” Dr. Popcak said. “If there’s any part of you that thinks there could be an end to the suffering in some good way, then that’s God speaking to you and walking with you through this.”

Look for those glimmers of hope and lean into them, the Popcaks advised.

2. Keep Praying and Practicing

One of the most important things you can do is to continue praying to God and practicing your faith, even when it feels like “eating sawdust,” as Dr. Popcak put it. Continuing your usual spiritual habits will keep you connected to God and the Church, allowing you to experience the grace that you need to get through this time.

Keep talking to God, too. Anytime you are struggling with faith, approach God honestly and authentically, sharing your doubts, frustrations, and heartache openly. God desires your genuine emotions and will meet you there, the Popcaks said.

Dr. Popcak offered Terry an example of what that looks like: “Say, ‘Lord, I’m in so much pain, I can’t feel anything but grief and loss and despair. But the fact that I know that there’s something more, the fact that I somehow got out of bed this morning, the fact that somehow I think that you’re still there, even if I can’t feel you—I thank you for that, and I love you. Please hold me close and guide me step by step through this.”

3. Seek Faithful Support

Even the greatest of the saints surrounded themselves with people who could lift them up, just like Mary went to Elizabeth. 

“God really wants for us to walk with a companion along the way,” Lisa Popcak said. “We need people to help us in our spiritual walk, to get some questions answered, to get extra prayer support when we feel too weak to pray, and we are unsure of ourselves.”

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says, God chose to save us not as individuals, but as the People of God. In his plan, each of us helps the others along the way—especially in times of darkness, suffering, and doubt.

4. Stay Connected to Your Loved One

“Grief is not the process of letting go,” Dr. Popcak told Terry. “It’s the process of finding ways to stay connected to the person that we’ve lost.”

As Catholics, we believe that death does not sever our relationship with our loved ones, even if it changes that relationship. As Lisa Popcak pointed out, our loved ones are part of the communion of saints, which means that they can intercede with God for us.

“She is alive in Christ,” Lisa told Terry. “Talk to her as you would when she was in your kitchen and walking around the house with you and doing things with you: ‘Honey, this is awful, and I’m not feeling close to God…. I need you to be praying for me. I need you to help me see God in things.’”

As you grieve, find other tangible ways to stay connected to your loved one. What did your loved one mean to you? What did she or he bring into your life? What blessings did they bring you? Name those and find ways to hold onto them.

Shaken Faith Invites Us to Deeper Faith

Experiencing shaken faith in the wake of profound loss is not a sign of spiritual weakness, but an invitation to a deeper, richer relationship with God—one big enough to encompass the “crosses” that come to us in life.

“Having struggles in your faith does not show weakness,” Lisa Popcak said. “It’s part of growth and development in our lives….

“When we struggle—when we’re scared, when we’re angry, when we’re experiencing doubt in any way: in God, in the Church, in who we are in that relationship, in his love for us—it’s something that even the greatest of saints have gone through, and yet come out the other side, because they held on to God as they walked that path of questioning.”

For additional support in navigating grief and reconnecting with your faith, you can always reach out to the team of professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Where is God In Suffering?

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By Dr. Greg Popcak

 

We all hurt. Suffering is an inescapable part of life. But that doesn’t make our pain any easier to bear, especially when facing the kind of senseless violence that occurred at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX, where a lone, teenage shooter killed 2 teachers and 19 children.

Where is God in this? How do we find him?  Why did he “let” this happen?

These aren’t easy questions to answer, and the pain, anger, and frustration we feel in the face of evil is normal and natural.  The first thing we need to do is resist the temptation to allow our pain to make us respond in pain. Instead, we need to bring our pain to God and ask him to teach us how to respond to it in a way that will glorify him, help us be our best selves, and work for the good of all the people around us.

That said, a lot of the frustration, pain, and confusion we feel in the face of suffering is based on the grossly false assumption that things are supposed to work all the time, and that God has somehow dropped the ball when things aren’t working as we think they should. But here’s the truth: There’s nothing about the Christian view of the world that suggests this assumption is correct.

Yes, in the beginning, before the Fall, God ordained creation to exist in perfect balance. But as the story goes, this balance was catastrophically demolished when Adam and Eve committed the first sin. Because of this, in the Christian worldview, everything is actually supposed to be awful all the time. Original sin made the world a warzone, and misery is meant to be our natural state of being. If anything else exists — if there is anything good in this world at all — it is only because God is unfathomably merciful and, despite our ongoing efforts to keep wrecking everything, he is intent on creating order out of the chaos, peace out of the turmoil, joy out of the misery, life out of death. “Behold, I make all things new!” (Rv 21:5). “Good” is God’s miraculous, merciful response to suffering.

The fact that we take for granted how good things usually are and presumptuously assume that they should always be this good is a testament to how astoundingly merciful God actually is. It is proof of what I call “the mystery of good” — that is, the mystery of how (and why) God literally moves heaven and earth every single moment of every day to care for us, provide for us and tend to our wounds despite the fact that we are living in a warzone of our own making, a warzone he never intended for us to live in, and that he is doing everything he can to deliver us from, including sending his own Son to lead us through the minefields and back to the green pastures where he gives us repose (cf., Ps 23).

Although it can be tremendously hard to find God when we’re in pain, we discover that God is imminently, superabundantly, omnipresent in our experience of suffering.

  • Imminent: God is immediately present in our pain. He doesn’t hesitate to respond to us. Before we even call on him, he is running to tend to our wounds (cf., Ps 139:4).

 

  • Superabundant: No matter the depth of our pain, no matter the horrific nature of our suffering, God’s grace is greater. If we ask for his grace, God will enable us to respond to our suffering in ways that are heroic, healing and heralding of the good news that Christ has conquered and we can be victorious through his grace.

 

  • Omnipresent: Nothing can separate us from his presence. No suffering can keep him from us. He stands ready to guide every step we take as we respond to our suffering. If we ask his help and trust his grace, he will lead us through every trial.

It isn’t that God is present when we aren’t suffering and absent when we are. God is already imminently and superabundantly omnipresent in very first moments of our experience of suffering. I remind my clients that God’s presence in our pain is evidenced in our capacity to display any of the following four supernatural abilities.

    1. The knowledge that there should be more than this.
    2. The belief that I could respond in a way that would allow me to make more of this.
    3. The drive to be whole again in spite of this.
    4. The will to heal and grow stronger somehow in the face of this.

None of these abilities come naturally to us. The natural human response to suffering is to run until we can’t run anymore and then give up and die. If you’re inspired to do any of the above four things in the face of your pain, it’s because God is already moving in you, saying, “Do not fear: I am with you … I will uphold you with my victorious right hand” (Is 41:10).

When you find yourself in pain, when you’re forced to stare evil in the face, call to the Lord. Then take his hand and let him lead you to the resurrection that comes after this cross.

Challenging Times—Understanding Grief and Our Experience with The Pandemic

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In these difficult days, have you noticed that you can feel fine one minute only to feel sad, confused, disengaged, or overwhelmed the next? If so, you’re not alone.

What’s the cause?  Believe it or not, you may be experiencing grief. We’ve lost a lot this year either directly or indirectly. While many of us have experienced the loss of a loved one, all of us have lost our sense of normalcy, our connection with the friends we used to see, or the activities we used to participate in. With COVID-related church closings, we have lost many of our spiritual coping tools.  In many ways, we’ve even lost our natural coping skills—we just can’t do the things we used to do to take down our stress and get the break that we all need. Although we tend not to recognize it, all of these losses are producing a massive, world-wide grief reaction resulting in heightened emotions and often unpredictable mood swings.

But why is grief so difficult to manage? The Theology of The Body reminds us that although grief and loss is part of this life, God never meant for us to experience grief or loss and he intends to restore all things to us when we are one with him. The world tells us that loss–whether the loss of a job, a relationship, our health, or a loved one–is an ending.  In our broken world, the most natural response to loss is to give up; to settle. 

Seen through the eyes of faith, loss represents an opportunity to enter into a deeper experience of God’s mercy, providence and abundance.  “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be consoled.”  God wants us to approach loss differently.  He wants us to see him, not the world, as the source of all good gifts. Nothing is ever really lost to someone who loves God.  Whatever it is that we think is lost to us–our ability to provide for our needs, the people we care about, the situations or people we depend on—God wants us to turn to him for guidance on how he wants us to respond to that loss.  If we ask God to help us deal with our losses gracefully he will show us how to fill up the hole that’s left inside by the things we’ve lost.

Here are three ways that God calls us to respond to our grief:

Be gentle—In challenging times, we must be gentle with ourselves and others. We often have high expectations for ourselves. When we don’t meet those expectations we think, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I do what I used to do?” Be gentle and change this hurtful thinking to something more helpful, like,  “What do I need to do to feel taken care of in this moment?” “What is one small thing I can do now to take a step in the right direction?”

Seek connection—our natural response to grief is often to hide out, shut down, and withdraw into ourselves. This is the opposite of how God wants us to respond. God calls us to seek connection, to find community, and reach out to others who can walk with us and support us effectively through our experience.

Honor what we’ve lost—Working through grief requires us to honor what we’ve lost. We can honor a loved one by calling to mind their strengths and the ways they were a gift to our lives, then intentionally working to display those strengths in our own lives and being a gift to others in similar ways. We can honor the activities that we’ve lost by finding connection with them in new ways. If our kids are missing school we can ask them what they’re missing most about the school day and do our best to recreate some of those experiences at home. We can honor the connections they’ve lost by helping to keep them connected to their friends, or by encouraging them to draw pictures or writing notes to send to the people they care about. If we’re missing participating in certain events, brainstorm other productive and enjoyable things to do with that time.  The key is not simply sitting around waiting for someone else to program our life again, but to take charge and start living more intentionally.  By taking this approach, we honor the parts of our life that we miss while actively creating the new life God is calling us to grow into.

If you would like to seek support and find help working through your experience with grief, contact us at CatholicCounselors.com 

“He Ain’t Heavy…”: The Death of My Same-Sex Attracted Brother

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Guest post by Dave McClow, Pastoral Solutions Institute.

“I don’t believe in hell.  If there is a hell, it can’t be any worse than my life here.”  These were the most striking words from my 55-year-old-same-sex-attracted brother Mark in the last two-plus weeks of his life.  He died February 27, 2017, from throat cancer.  I wanted to remember him here and witness to the abyss of God’s mercy.

It started in May 2016 with a diagnosis, then treatment in August, and two hospitalizations in January 2017 which included a heart attack and a lack of response to treatment.  When my wife and I saw him on February 10th, he was exploring hospice.  This began the whirlwind of two and a half weeks of reconnecting and parting with my brother.

Hell: A Homeless Heart

Mark remembered many more ugly and painful memories from childhood than I did that shook the foundations of my world.  He felt profoundly unloved and was bullied at home and in school.  He was assaulted as an adult for his sexual orientation.  He struggled with bouts of deep depression and would want to die.  He disconnected from our family for decades; he had a “Homeless Heart” (from a song on his iPod).

He had a way of remembering things that kept his wounds open.  In his hell, he did not know that Jesus experienced deep excruciating pain when he said, “I am grieved unto death,” or “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”  I share some of Mark’s pain here, because he disliked when people minimized it with clichés, and because I think it made his life more remarkable.

Responding to Hell

Early in our conversations, when he talked about hell, I responded, “I believe there is a hell, but I don’t think you’re going there.  God doesn’t send anyone to hell (see CCC 1033)!  God is love, and he can’t do anything but love you. Because of your free will, he will honor your rejection.  He understands if you are angry at him, that you have been hurt.  But God does not send people to hell—they must request it.”  I continued, “When you die, you will step into love—the love you have never known and always longed for.” He nodded in thoughtful approval, a light in the darkness.

Ugly Into Beautiful

Ironically, I think because Mark had seen so much ugliness in his life, he had a strong sense of and attraction to beauty.  A rehabber at heart, he could make the ugliest houses beautiful!  God is a “rehabber” too, bringing good out of evil.  So Mark had unknowingly lived out a deep Catholic spirituality, making the world more beautiful.

Making Death Beautiful

Death is ugly.  But it was also awe-inspiring to stand at the boundary between life and death with Mark.  We talked about his life, about the end, about his regrets.  I was able to put my hand on his heart, to hold his hand, and cradle his head.  And even when he could not talk, I challenged him to forgive himself and others.  I read him a note of apology from my mom.  He would respond with groans and would calm down when I told him to be at peace.

The Hour of Mercy

On the Friday before Mark died the hospice doctor thought he could go that afternoon or within 48 hours.  So I asked St. Faustina to intercede and let Mark die during the hour of Mercy as a sign to me.  Friday turned into Monday, waiting at the foot of the cross.  I left for a lunch break at 2 PM.  Just before 3 PM, the nurse called me back, saying Mark was on his last breaths.  When I arrived, he had just breathed his last—exactly at 3 PM he had stepped into love.  I sobbed at his side.  He was gone, and I couldn’t believe the time.  I urged him to go toward God’s love.  It had been an absolute whirlwind, an agony in the garden, with deep joy, too.

But God was not finished.  Songs have come into my life at particular times to capture the moment and bring a message of love.  After perusing Mark’s iPod that day, I hit play and heard Queen Latifah’s Mercy, Mercy, Mercy!  I felt God was showering his mercy on Mark from above, and Queen Latifah from below.  I had surrounded him in mercy because (I can’t resist)—“He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.”

Not Really the End

We dressed him for cremation in a flannel shirt, cargo pants, and an old pair of work boots.  After all, he was a rehabber.  Now that he has stepped into love, I believe he has a new job from his place in purgatory and heaven, this time rehabbing hearts, making the ugly beautiful.  I sense his presence and blessing and often call on him to help with a hurting client.  Please join me in letting his new-found love “spill over” into our lives (Benedict XVI) to heal broken hearts—please pray for him and to him.