Stop Dreading Disagreements

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A lot of us dislike conflict, and because of this, we dread even the concept of facing disagreements. Often, however, disagreements are unavoidable, and sometimes even necessary. There’s good news, though! If we take a caring and loving approach to disagreements, we will have healthier, more productive conversations and less to fear about conflict!

Theology of the Body reminds us of the importance of mutual self-donation, the idea that a healthy relationship is characterized by the commitment to work for each OTHER’s good.  That applies to arguments as well.  The opposite of angry isn’t “calm.” It’s “care.”  The commitment to being mutually self-donative challenges us to actually care about the needs and POV of the person we’re arguing with.  Doing this doesn’t mean we have to surrender our own perspective or give up getting our own needs met.   It just means that we should be equally concerned about meeting their needs as we are getting our own needs met. Doing this in arguments allows two people to encourage each other through the tension and find solutions that are actually satisfying.

Here are a few tips on cultivating care in conflict:

1. Make Breaks Count–When you “take a break” in an argument, don’t just step away and distract yourself by not thinking about the disagreement.  That just sets you up to pick up the fight where you left off the next time you start addressing the issue.  Taking a break is an opportunity to think differently about the disagreement; to take some time to see the other person in a more sympathetic light so you can come back to the topic with a more caring heart.  When you take a break from a disagreement, spend some time in prayer reflecting on questions like, “What needs does the other person have that they are afraid I’m not willing to meet?”  “Why might the other person think I’m not interested in them or their concerns?”  and “How can I show them that they are important to me–even though we’re disagreeing?”  Taking some time to ask questions like this helps you make breaks from conflict count and allows you to go back to the person, confident that you can approach each other again in a more compassionate and productive wa

2. Look For the Positive Intention–If you’re struggling to feel sympathy for a person you’re disagreeing with, make sure to look for the need or the positive intention behind their words or actions.  Doing this doesn’t excuse any bad behavior.  Rather, it gives you a way to address it respectfully.  For instance, you might say something like, “When you do THIS or say THAT, can you help me understand what you’re trying to do?”  Then, when the other person explains their intention, you can brainstorm together about ways to meet that intention more respectfully and efficiently in the future.  Looking for the positive intention behind offensive words and actions gives you a way to be sympathetic without being a doormat.  It lets you work for change, respectfully.

3. Give It To God–When you’re disagreeing with someone, don’t forget to pray for them.  Not, “God, please make them see that I’m right and they’re wrong!”  But rather, “God, help me know how to express my concerns in a way they will hear and to really hear what THEY are saying so that we can both get our needs met and draw closer because of this disagreement we’re having.”   Giving your disagreement to God doesn’t mean giving up your needs or, for that matter, trusting that God will sort it out while you ignore the elephant in the room.  It means asking God to guide you in the steps of having more compassionate conflict, where the tension between you and the person you care about can lead to even greater closeness. Don’t try to pray away your needs or your feelings.  Instead, ask God to help you find ways to meet those needs and express those feelings in a manner that reflects God’s grace, honors your concerns, and respects the dignity of the other person as well. Let God show you how to master conflict instead of just avoiding it.

For more information on how to effectively handle conflict, check out When Divorce Is Not An Option and tune in to More2Life Monday-Friday, 10am E/9am C on EWTN Global Catholic Radio, SiriusXM 139.

St. Joseph: Our Father? – Part 1

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Guest post by Dave McClow.

Fatherlessness has become an epidemic in our society:  43% of our kids grow up without fathers (US Census), approaching a catastrophe rivaling the 1918 flu pandemic when an estimated 56% of the world was infected.  Fatherlessness is devastating—legally, morally, psychologically, and spiritually. A shocking snapshot of our fatherless youth shows they comprise 63% of youth suicides (US Dept. Of Health/Census)–5 times the average; 90% of all homeless and runaway children–32 times the average; 85% of all children who show behavior disorders–20 times the average (Center for Disease Control); 80% of rapists with anger problems–14 times the average (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26); and 71% of all high school dropouts–9 times the average (National Principals Association Report).

Fatherlessness is a Catholic problem in two ways:  1) because God is father, it creates a crisis of faith and is partly responsible for the rise of the religious “nones” (70% are millennials, 23% are adults, and 57% are men) and 2) it challenges how we evangelize the fatherless.

The antidote is men fully living out their faith as spiritual fathers by informally adopting our lost generation.  Our faith calls us to care for the “least” and the vulnerable (Mt. 25:40) and to “Go and make disciples of all nations” (Mt. 28:19)—that’s spiritual fatherhood; that’s the summit of being a man, and St. Joseph is our prototypical model.

How is St. Joseph a Spiritual Father?

St. Joseph took two roads to spiritual fatherhood: 1) through the incarnation, and 2) through participation in a new order of family.

God the Father, our real prototype of spiritual fatherhood (Eph. 3:14), asked St. Joseph to be Jesus’ father.  John Paul II says that even though his fatherhood is not biological, he is not just an “apparent” or “substitute” father.  Rather, he “fully shares in authentic human fatherhood and the mission of a father in the family“ (RC, 21).  How is this so?  As the Incarnation, Jesus’ whole purpose is to reveal the Father and true fatherhood (Jn 14:9).  And John Paul II explains that the Holy Family is inserted directly into the mystery of the Incarnation.  And so, though St. Joseph is not Jesus’ biological father, when he reveals, relives, and radiates the very fatherhood of God, he becomes Jesus’ authentic human, and I would add spiritual, father.  His masculinity is fully expressed in his spiritual fatherhood, as it should be for all men, first and foremost, even if they are not biological fathers.

A New Order of Family

“Who are my mother and brothers?  Whoever does the will of God is my brother, and sister, and mother” (Mt. 12:46-50; cf., Mk. 3:31-35; Lk 27-28).  Is Jesus trying to escape a stereotypical overbearing Jewish mother?  I don’t think so!  Instead, John Paul II believes Jesus is establishing a whole new order of family and parenthood based on obedience.  And who is more obedient than Mary?  Jesus is preparing her for the crowning event of her new spiritual motherhood at the foot of cross: “Son, behold your Mother” (Jn 19:26-27).  In the new order, Jesus gives us and the Church his own mother.

Similarly, St. Joseph, as Jesus’ spiritual father, can also be our father.  Spiritual fatherhood (or motherhood) includes any action of care for others, i.e., the corporal or spiritual works of mercy.

“Joseph did.…” These two words and their variants, “he took the child…and went…” define St. Joseph’s role in salvation history.  He is not known for what he said in the Gospels—he said nothing!  But he listens to God in his inner life—his dreams—and then does the hard thing!  He protects the Son of God and his mother through many obstacles and threats—spiritual fatherhood is always an adventure!  He cares for and educates a child who is not his own in obedience to God’s word.  And as a just and generous man, he is willing to sacrifice much.  He is a good spiritual father to Jesus, and to us.

Spiritual fatherhood, as the summit of masculinity, is open to any age.  For years I watched the 5th and 6th grade boys at my local parish mentor or shepherd the younger boys during Mass.  When men or boys live out who they are created to be as spiritual fathers, they become more themselves, more masculine; they follow St. Joseph, our model, in revealing, reliving, and radiating God’s fatherhood to others.  In Part 2 I will explore more of the practical side of St. Joseph’s spiritual fatherhood as priest, prophet, and king.

The fatherlessness of this generation will spread like a cancer if unopposed.  Catholic men must be a witness, exercising their God-given gender and masculinity as spiritual fathers.  Our Church and culture depend on us!  We must imitate our father St. Joseph in revealing, reliving, and radiating God’s fatherhood to spiritual children who are not our own.  To whom can you be a spiritual father in your neighborhood or parish today?

 

Guest post by Dave McClow  Associate Counselor, Pastoral Solutions Institute

“It’s Like We’re On The Same Wavelength!” – Metaphor or Neuroscience?

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We all love those moments of meeting someone, or spending time with them, and everything just “clicks.” We say the same thing at the same time, feel the same emotions, or have the same opinions. Often, we refer to this type of encounter as “being on the same wavelength” with someone. But is this statement more than just a metaphor?

Psychologist, Suzanne Dikker, at New York University conducted a study which demonstrated that “engaged groups are literally in sync on a brain-to-brain basis.”

Dr. Dikker studied twelve student’s brainwaves during eleven different classes throughout a semester. She utilized portable electroencephalogram (EEG) systems to monitor the brainwaves of each student.

The results of the study indicated that, “Brainwave synchronicity seems to be generated from a number of small, individual interactions…For example, eye contact was linked to shared intentions, which ‘sets up a scaffold’ for social cognition and more engagement. These individual interactions seemed to lead to a shared sense of purpose across the group—which manifested in specific brainwave patterns, likewise shared across the group.”

This study reveals that personal interaction and engagement actually stimulates individuals’ brainwaves to react the same way, thus causing them to literally be on the same wavelength. Thanks to Dr. Dikker, this common statement has been scientifically proven.

For more information on how to build stronger relationships, check out For Better…. FOREVER!, and tune in to More2Life weekdays Monday-Friday 10am E/9am C on EWTN Global Catholic Radio, SiriusXM 139.

The Common Pill That Negatively Effects Women’s Wellbeing

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In the secular world, birth control is essentially represented as a worry-free form of contraception. However, new research suggests that this may not be the case.

Dr Niklas Zethraeus, a scientists from the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, stated, “Despite the fact that an estimated 100 million women around the world use contraceptive pills we know surprisingly little today about the pill’s effect on women’s health.” This fact prompted the study of 340 healthy women between the ages of 18 and 25, divided equally into two groups: a group who took a combination of ethinylestradiol and levonorgestre and a control group who received a placebo.

The results of this study indicated that the women who took a combination of ethinylestradiol and levonorgestre (a common combination for contraception pills) reported lower mood, self-control, and energy. While there was not a significant difference in risk of depression when compared to the control group, the remaining negative side effects were undeniable. Moreover, after three months, women taking the pill reported a general lower quality of life.

For more information on how you can celebrate a healthier, more intimate and graceful approach to sex, marriage. and family planning, check out Holy Sex! and tune in to More2Life, Monday-Friday 10am E/9am C, on EWTN Global Catholic Radio – SiriusXM 139

Expressing gratitude makes us healthier: Who wouldn’t be grateful for that?

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Gratitude journals, #grateful quotes, appreciation lists, oh my! Expressing gratitude seems to be a growing trend right now, but are these seemingly small practices of expressing gratitude enough to have an impact on our overall well-being?

New research by Stephen Yoshimura and Kassandra Berzins for the National Communication Association’s Review of Communication shows that, “Gratitude consistently associates with many positive social, psychological, and health states, such as an increased likelihood of helping others, optimism, exercise, and reduced reports of physical symptoms.” 

It has been consistently demonstrated that both experiencing and expressing gratitude increases life satisfaction, vitality, hope, and optimism. Furthermore, expressing gratitude can decrease one’s experience of depression, anxiety, and stress related burn-out. Because of this, being grateful contributes to the long-term success of relationships and personal well-being.

“Perhaps most intriguing is that people who experience and express gratitude have reported fewer symptoms of physical illness, more exercise, and better quality of sleep. Who wouldn’t be grateful for that?”

For more information on experiencing gratitude and increasing your personal relationships and well-being, check out For Better…Forever! Don’t forget to tune in to More2Life, Monday-Friday 10am E/9am C on EWTN Global Catholic Radio, SiriusXM 139.

The Two Shall Become One: Married People Become BIOLOGICALLY Similar, New Study Says.

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In a study presented at the annual meeting of the Gerontological Society of America, University of Michigan researcher Shannon Mejia and her team looked at health indicators from 1,568 married couples across the United States. The couples were separated into two groups: those who had been married for about 20 years, and those who had been married for about 50 years. Overall, Mejia found that the couples had striking similarities in kidney function, total cholesterol, and grip strength.

Mejia and her fellow researchers found that there was similarity in the biomarkers beyond the race, education, and age factors that they statistically accounted for. The strongest example was in total cholesterol: The math says that 20 percent of the outcome for total cholesterol is attributable to couple membership.

The similarity between members of couples goes against what Mejia calls the “independence assumption” in the United States: Your health is thought to be individualistic. After all, it’s yourbody that the doctor investigates, not your partner’s. But as Mejia’s work indicates, environments matter.

Because of the nature of the data she’s working with — a large-scale longitudinal study — Mejia can’t really isolate the mechanisms of couple health concordance. She points to the work of University of British Columbia psychologist Christiane Hoppmann, who takes a more granular approach. Hoppmann zooms in on the mechanics of coupledom, finding, for instance, that members of couples who share greater intimacy have lower levels of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress.   READ MORE

When scripture tells us that, “the two shall become one” we often think of that in philosophical and spiritual terms.  Most people don’t take that verse literally, but the research consistently says we should.  In addition to the above research, other studies have found that the body responds to break-ups and divorce in the same way it responds to physical injury.  Divorce, in particular, has potentially very serious long term health consequences.

To learn more about having the kind of marriage that promotes health and well-being across every dimension of your life, check out For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage–2nd Edition Revised and Expanded.

“You Make Me Sick!” The Surprising Ways Your Spouse May Be Undermining (or Helping) Your Health

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Researchers consider it a well-establish fact that the quality of our relationships, in general, and our romantic relationships, in particular, wield huge influence over our physical health and well-being.  We know, for example, that people who are unhappy in their marriages are at significantly greater risk for disease than couples who are happy together.  What was less clear is the mechanism by which relationships impact our health.  But a new study finds that the degree to which you feel understood and supported by your partner directly impacts the production of hormones that. over time, can either prevent or cause disease.

I’ve Got You Under My Skin

The study predicted that the partner’s responsiveness might affect cortisol production. Cortisol is a hormone that helps to regulate a diverse set of functions in the human body, ranging from higher-order functions like learning and memory, to more basic functions like immune system responses and the breaking down of food (i.e., metabolism). New research suggests that the body’s rhythm of cortisol production throughout the day has important implications for health. People with “steeper” cortisol profiles—higher cortisol output in the morning, with declining output throughout the rest of the day—tend to have better health outcomes compared to people with flatter cortisol profiles.

Slatcher and colleagues predicted that having a high-quality romantic relationship—in which the person feels that their partner is responsive to their needs—might lead to long-term improvements in how the body produces cortisol. To test this, the researchers analyzed over a thousand participants who were either married or living with their partners. Participants indicated how responsive they thought their partner was by rating how much they thought their partner cared about them, understood their feelings, and appreciated them. Participants also provided four saliva samples per day over a four-day period, so that researchers could determine their cortisol profiles. Ten years later, the same participants again complete the same measures, allowing the researchers to examine how responsiveness might predict changes in cortisol profiles over time.

Results: Support Predicts Health 10 Years Later!

The researchers found that, indeed, people who felt their partners were more responsive at Time 1 had healthier cortisol profiles ten years later: they had higher cortisol levels shortly after waking up, as well as a steeper decline in cortisol levels throughout the day. This was true even for people who were no longer with the same partner, suggesting that people may benefit from high-quality romantic relationships even after those relationships have ended. Further, these effects held controlling for a number of other relevant factors, such as gender, age, and depressive symptoms, suggesting that the results could not be attributed to these other things. However, the researchers did find that their results were partially explained by negative emotion: people with more responsive partners subsequently tended to experienced fewer negative emotions, which helped to explain their improved cortisol profiles.  READ MORE

Biology is Theology

In his Theology of the Body, Pope St. John Paul the Great taught that human beings are not so much individuals as they are persons who are intimately connected to one another by nature.   That we are relational is no mere accident.  We are connected biologically to one another in ways that can be difficult to understand.   From the perspective of TOB, there is nothing we do that doesn’t affect others–on a deep level– for good or ill. It is a fallacy to believe that the things we do just impact us.  We were created for each other. Ideally, that means that we were created to love one another, and if we do, we can help each other become the godly, happy and healthy people we were meant to be.  Of course, the opposite is also true.

Resources for a Healthier You

Taking care of your relationships–especially your most intimate relationships–is one of the most important ways you can take care of your own health.  For more ideas on how to create a healthy  marriage that leads to a healthier you, check out For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage and When Divorce Is NOT An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn how our Catholic tele-counseling practice can help you satisfy your desire for a happier, healthier life.

New Study: Probiotics May Help Ease Pain of Negative Thoughts/Depression.

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From ScienceDaily.

Linking probiotics and mood

Probiotics are live microorganisms which, when administered in adequate amounts, are fundamental in improving digestion and immune function.  A new study found that people focus less on bad feelings and experiences from the past (i.e. rumination) after four weeks of probiotics administration.   The study was published in the journal, Brain, Behavior and Immunity.   

In the study, half of the people received a placebo powder, while the other half received the probiotics mixture.  Compared to subjects who received the placebo intervention, participants who received the  multispecies probiotics intervention showed significantly reduced ruminative thoughts. Colzato: “Even if preliminary, these results provide the first evidence that the intake of probiotics may help reduce negative thoughts associated with sad mood. As such, our findings shed an interesting new light on the potential of probiotics to serve as adjuvant or preventive therapy for depression.”  READ MORE

For more information on how your gut, “your second brain”, affects mood, check out this article from Scientific American.  Think Twice: How the Gut’s Second Brain Influences Mood and Well-Being.

Is Your Spouse Making YOU Sick?

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Image Shutterstock. Used with permission.

Previous research has demonstrated a strong link between marital quality and physical health.  This most recent study examined to what degree a spouse’s stress indirectly impact his or her mate’s health.

Researchers discovered stress and relationship quality have both direct and indirect effects on the cardiovascular system, confirming previous research. They also discovered that it is important to consider the couple as a whole rather than the individual when examining marriage and health.

Overall, some of the findings were surprising.

In particular, this study revealed that wives’ stress has important implications for husbands’ blood pressure, particularly in more negative relationships.

Specifically looking at the effects of negative relationship quality, researchers found that effects weren’t recognized when examining individuals but there were when examining interactions between both members of couple.

“We were particularly excited about these findings because they show that the effects of stress and negative relationship quality are truly dyadic in nature,” said lead author Kira S. Birditt, Ph.D.

“An individuals’ physiology is closely linked with not only his or her own experiences but the experiences and perceptions of their spouses. We were particularly fascinated that husbands were more sensitive to wives’ stress than the revers, especially given all of the work indicating that wives are more affected by the marital tie.”

In our marital counseling work my associates and I often talk to people who feel like they’ve lost the motivation to work on their troubled marriages.  In those times, it can be important to remember that how we relate to our spouse has profound consequences for our physical health, not just our emotional well-being.  To discover the healthy marriage habits that can lead to a healthier relationship and a healthier life, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. 

4 Ways Good Relationships Can Save Your Life

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Researchers estimate that 40% of Americans feel lonely.  That’s remarkable, considering that we’re more connected than ever.  Unfortunately, there is some evidence suggesting that the kinds of connections we’re seeking are not the kinds of connections we need.  Most of us are actively engaged in some form or another of social media, but researches have recently discovered that the more time a person spends on social media, the more likely it is they will also experience a depressed mood.

Pope St John Paul the Great’s Theology of the Body reminds us of Genesis’ exhortation, “It is not good for man to be alone”  (Gen 2:18).  Time and again, modern research shows us how true that statement  is.  Work by Harvard primatologist, Robert Sapolsky, in his book, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, reveals that if we neglect our need for real, meaningful, intimate connection with others, the resulting loneliness can compromise our health (and ultimately, even kill us) via a 4 step process.   1.  Poor social support causes chronic psycho-social stress.  2.  Chronic psycho-social stress causes the chronic activation of our bodily stress responses.  3.  This causes the suppression of the immune system and the activation of the body’s inflammatory response.  4.  Thus we become more vulnerable to both infectious disease and inflammatory illnesses.

Of course, the reverse is also true.  The more we intentionally cultivate healthy, intimate connections with others the stronger our social supports become resulting in lower psycho-social stress levels, which leads to increased immunity and lower inflammatory responses in the body which ultimately makes us more resistant to infections and inflammatory illnesses.

Sure, we’re all busy, but some time today be sure to take some time to turn off the computer, step away from your work, and connect with the people you love and who love you in return.  It could be the best thing you do for your health all day.

For more information on creating the kinds of relationships that help you be healthier in your body, mind and spirit, check out God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts!  Making Peace with Difficult People.