More than half of married adults say sharing the load of household work is very important to a successful marriage, according to a 2016 Pew Research survey. Yet nearly half of married couples say that responsibility for work around the house is split unevenly in their marriage.
Since chores are one of the leading causes of conflict in marriage, figuring out how to share the load matters. But as Dr. Greg Popcak points out, reducing conflict around chores is about more than balancing out how much each person does. It’s about something most couples have never talked about: emotional labor.
The 10 percent problem
“Doing the task is only about 10 percent of the actual task,” Dr. Popcak explained in a recent episode of his BeDADitudes podcast.
Think about what actually goes into getting something done. There’s the task itself — and then there’s everything that surrounds it: noticing the task needs doing, making a plan, gathering what’s needed, scheduling the time, following through, and making sure it stays done. That surrounding work is emotional labor.
In most households, emotional labor falls unevenly, with women usually (but not always) carrying most of the mental load. Often, the person doing the emotional labor can’t fully explain why they feel overburdened. They just know that even when their spouse “helps,” they’re still the one who had to notice, plan, and direct everything. In effect, that person has an extra job as the “general contractor” for the household.
“We’ve been socialized to think it’s one person’s responsibility to do the emotional labor,” Dr. Popcak said, “and the other person’s job to show up when told to do something. That’s really not the Christian view of household labor.”
More than checking boxes
Christian family life calls every member of the household — not just one person — to practice prompt, generous, consistent, and cheerful attention to each other’s needs. (Readers familiar with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Liturgy of Domestic Church Life will recognize this as one of twelve foundational practices for a healthy, holy family.)
The goal is to really “show up” for one another — cluing in to what the household and the people in it actually need, and contributing to that without waiting to be asked. Waiting to be told what to do, staying focused on our own corner of the house, or checking out after our assigned tasks are done amounts to the vice of sloth, Dr. Popcak said.
“Sloth isn’t necessarily laziness,” he said. “It’s the checking out. It’s not engaging with the things right in front of us.”
That inattention, however unintentional, damages relationships over time.
Building the Kingdom of God, One Sock at a Time
On the other hand, showing up, noticing what needs to be done, and then following through is a very real part of Christians’ responsibility to build the Kingdom of God.
“It’s not enough for the Christian person to be told what to do,” Dr. Popcak said. “The Christian person really needs to recognize what needs to be done and how I can use this moment to build the kingdom of God.”
Building the kingdom of God means doing what we can to cooperate with God’s grace and to undo the damage that sin does to our relationships with one another. “That’s what building the kingdom is because the kingdom is built on relationship,” Dr. Popcak said.
We tend to think of building the Kingdom of God in terms of “big” acts of charity. But noticing that the laundry needs putting away or that the dishes need to be done and then taking the lead on that is just as much part of building the Kingdom of God as bigger, more visible work like establishing hospitals and housing programs. The ultimate goal of both types of work is the same: sharing God’s love in a way that restores and strengthens relationships.
With that in mind, here are three simple ways to start shifting your family’s mindset around household work.
1. Scan before you sit
When you walk into a room, take five seconds to look around before settling in. Is there something small that needs doing? Maybe it’s a dirty cup on the counter or a child who looks like she’s had a rough afternoon.
You don’t have to act on everything you notice. The goal is simply to pay attention — to cultivate the habit of awareness rather than waiting for someone else to flag what needs doing.
2. Leave every room a little better than you found it
Dr. Popcak suggests adopting the old scouting principle of leaving your campsite better than you found it. Applied at home, that might mean wiping down the sink when you leave the bathroom, putting something away as you pass through the kitchen, or picking up what’s on the floor before you leave the bedroom.
Small contributions, made consistently by everyone in the household, add up to a home that doesn’t depend on any one person’s constant vigilance.
3. Leave every person a little better than you found them
The campsite principle applies to people, too.
“Am I leaving the people I encounter a little better than I found them?” Dr. Popcak asks. Offering to help, giving a hug, saying a word of encouragement all counts.
At this level, emotional labor is more than household management. When our attention to the household extends to the people in it, work stops being transactional and starts being relational — which is exactly what God intends it to be.
For more help building a stronger, more connected home, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. And if you’d like ongoing support for your family life, join the community of Catholic parents at CatholicHŌM, where you can also connect with Dr. Popcak and his team of expert pastoral counselors.
