Don’t Settle for a Small Life; Practice Magnanimity Instead

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The 2022 film Father Stu tells the true story of Stuart Long’s improbable journey to becoming a Catholic priest. After a hard childhood, he struggles with alcoholism as he restlessly pursues greatness, first as a boxer, then as an aspiring actor. He accepts baptism in the Catholic Church to win the heart of the woman he loves, but remains skeptical of God’s goodness.

After a near-death experience, he begins pursuing a deeper relationship with God. The journey unsettles him, though. While receiving confession one day, he complains that God is “[messing] with” him. “Another term for that,” says his beleaguered confessor, “is grace, God’s grace. It appears you are the recipient.”

For all of Stu’s shortcomings, he didn’t settle for a small life, but instead pursued greatness—even if he initially did so in the wrong places.

Later, that drive toward greatness would be refined into magnanimity, the virtue that propels us toward “greatness of soul.” And as Dr. Greg Popcak and Lisa Popcak explained on a recent episode of their radio show More2Life, magnanimity is the virtue that keeps us from settling for less than what God wants for us.

Why We Settle

Few of us would claim to have an all-around “great” life, and most of us can identify at least one part of our life that feels—well, not so great: a marriage that has gone flat, a job that stopped meaning much, a grown child you worry about, an aspiration that has gone unfulfilled.

As Christians, though, what matters is what we do next: Do we settle for the way things are, or do we make the changes that will lead to our best life?

All too often, the Popcaks say, we settle for the status quo out of fear or a lack of imagination or simply because it seems like the easier path.

“God calls us to live lives that reflect the greatness of God’s grace,” Lisa Popcak said. “And it can actually be sinful to live a small life rooted in a lack of courage, or small mindedness, or the idea that ‘that’s just the way it is.’ God wants more for us than we can even begin to want for ourselves.”

Sometimes, too, people mistakenly dress up their inclination to settle for the status quo as an act of humility. But neither humility nor self-denial are about accepting less than what God wants for us.

“Being humble doesn’t mean leading a powerless, limited, unfulfilling life of settling,” Dr. Greg said. “It means acknowledging that I don’t have the first clue how to live an abundant life…but simultaneously professing that with God’s grace, it will be done.”

Magnanimity: Pursuing Greatness

The restlessness that Stuart Long felt—and tried to satisfy in so many ways—comes from our God-given dignity.

“God built a longing into all of us, a longing for a love that doesn’t fail, for relationships that fulfill us, for a life that shows off God’s grace,” Lisa Popcak said. “That restlessness you feel when part of your life is stuck on ‘just okay’…is God saying, ‘I created you for more than this.’”

The virtue that drives us to seek more is magnanimity, which St. Thomas Aquinas defined as the virtue that disposes a person to undertake great things worthy of honor. It does this while avoiding, on one hand, presumption (attempting what exceeds one’s capacities), and on the other hand, pusillanimity (shrinking from the good one is capable of—a fancier word for “settling”).

“Magnanimity is the virtue of living a life that glorifies God, a life that really shows you at your best, that enables you to participate in relationships that witness to the power of God’s love in our lives,” Dr. Popcak explained. “In a sense, living in a way that glorifies God and asking God every day, Lord, teach me how to respond to this in a way that would really help me glorify you.”

Three Steps for Moving toward Magnanimity

Just as people sometimes confuse settling for less with the virtue of humility, people also sometimes get confused about the pursuit of greatness. Stuart Long, for example, initially sought greatness in the boxing ring, then in Hollywood, and then in a romantic relationship. None of those goals were necessarily bad, but he was pursuing them as an end in themselves, not out of true magnanimity.

Jacob Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, joined Lisa and Dr. Greg to share a process for discerning what, exactly, we ought to be striving toward as we pursue the greatness God wants for us.

“I don’t want to assume that just because I want a Cadillac automatically means that God desires a Cadillac for me,” he said. “I want to understand what in my desires is really calling me to God.”

Here’s the three-step process he suggests.

1. Write the desire at the top of the page

Put it in plain words: to meet someone you could marry, to find peace in the marriage you already have, to get a particular job.

2. Ask open-ended questions that uncover the real desire

From a calm, prayerful space, ask questions such as:

  • What would it say about me, or what would be true about me, if this desire came to pass?
  • What would change about how other people saw me?
  • What virtues do I imagine I’d have, or would need to have, for this to come to pass?

For example, if you really want a new Cadillac, your investigation of the deeper desire might reveal that you are proud of your success, and you want to enjoy that success and be reminded of the gratitude you have for God’s hand in your life. You might identify the virtues you would need to achieve this goal as hard work, prudence, or patience.

Those revelations might prompt you to dig even deeper. In any case, you are looking for the deeper emotional and psychological underpinning of the desire.

“We’re really sitting with the desire,’ Flores-Popcak said, “and we’re unwrapping it like a present that God wants to give us.”

3. Bring the deeper longing back to God

Once you can name what lies beneath the desire (to feel capable, to be known as someone who didn’t give up, to belong), hand it to God. Ask God: “But how do you want to fulfill the deeper, more vulnerable underpinnings of my desire for more that you’ve placed on my heart?”

Pursuing a Great Life

Later in the show, the Popcaks applied Jacob’s process to a situation that a listener named Joan asked about. Her older sister cut off the whole family sixteen years ago, and Joan still sends letters, emails, and the occasional text in the hope that they might reconnect. Joan asked whether that was wise.

Dr. Popcak affirmed her basic approach, but also named where she might be tempted to settle. “Where we start to settle in these situations,” he said, “is believing that this one person is the only person who can give us healing.”

He invited Joan to ask what a restored relationship would say about her (perhaps that she is a good person, or that she hasn’t given up on her sister) and to bring those needs to God: “If you can identify that and then bring those to God, then he can start to fulfill those deepest longings of your heart, even if your relationship with your sister never improves.”

Rather than waiting on a relationship she can’t control to be her only source of healing, this approach invites her to ask God, “What’s your plan for helping me to heal this part of my heart and to move forward and celebrate the life that you want me to have?”

For more help discerning the path to a great life, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Dr. Popcak’s book The Life God Wants You to Have also offers a faith-based plan for discovering the divine plan when human plans fail.

What Does the Theology of the Body Have to Do with Mental Health?

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Which is more important to your health, your mind or your body? How you or your health care provider answers that question has real implications for your well-being.

Most of us treat the body and mind as two separate entities, reaching for a pill for physical pain and going to therapy for emotional struggles. Inevitably, this divide leaves us feeling fragmented and poorly served by modern medicine.

But the Catholic Church has long insisted that body and mind are not competing entities, but are profoundly united. Spirit and matter “are not two natures united, but rather their union forms a single nature” (Catechism #365).

It’s a radically countercultural doctrine. For centuries, influential thinkers have pulled this unity apart. On one side, Plato and René Descartes treated the body as a sort of prison for the mind; early pioneers of psychology like Freud and Skinner followed suit by largely ignoring the body’s role in mental health. On the other side, materialist philosophers claimed that the human being is nothing more than a complex biological machine—a view that resurfaced when the discovery of psychiatric medications led many modern experts to reduce mental health to “chemical imbalances” in the brain.

In recent decades, modern science has come to recognize that mind and body are a single, deeply connected system. The Catholic Church has known this for centuries, and in the writings of Pope John Paul II, now known as the Theology of the Body, that ancient truth has been developed into a comprehensive framework for understanding the human person.

The Theology of the Body is foundational to the way the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com approach pastoral therapy. Here’s what it teaches and why it matters for your mental health.

A Roadmap for Human Wellness

When St. John Paul II became pope in 1978, he brought with him a manuscript he had been developing for years on what it means to be a human person. His starting point, as Dr. Popcak describes on the More2Life radio show, was this: if we took everything God has given us—creation, Scripture, salvation history, all of it—what universal principles could we discover about living a more abundant life and having healthier, holier relationships?

The answer became a comprehensive vision of the human person: what it means to be human, how we are wired for mental and emotional flourishing, and how we relate to one another. This vision became known as the Theology of the Body, and several of its insights speak directly to mental health.

Your Body is Speaking. Are You Listening?

One of TOB’s central claims is that our bodies are part of how God communicates his design for us. As Lisa Popcak explains on the show, drawing on St. Thomas Aquinas, God speaks to us through every cell of our bodies. Aquinas called this the Book of Nature—the idea that how God designed us, body, mind, and spirit, reveals his plan for how we are meant to live and relate to one another.

“Theology of the Body reminds us that biology is theology,” Dr. Popcak explains. “By prayerfully reflecting on the way God built our bodies and brains, we can discern important insights about what it takes to live a healthy, holy life.”

The human body offers numerous examples of this principle at work.

  • The face. The human face has roughly 43 muscles dedicated almost entirely to emotional expression—far more than almost any other animal. Humans are also unique among primates in having visible whites of the eyes, which allows others to track exactly where we are looking and what we are paying attention to. We are, literally, built to be
     “read” and to “read” others. The body reveals that we are made for mutual knowing.
  • Mirror neurons. God wired the human brain with mirror neurons—cells that fire when we observe another person’s emotional state, producing a similar feeling in ourselves. This is the neurological basis for empathy. We are designed not merely to observe others’ inner lives, but to share them.
  • Touch. Physical touch—a hand on a shoulder, a long hug from someone you trust—triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that reduces cortisol, lowers heart rate, and builds a sense of safety and trust. Research shows that holding someone’s hand during a stressful situation measurably reduces their physiological stress response. The body is designed to give and receive comfort through physical presence—another form of self-donation.
  • Secure attachment. When people feel securely connected to God and others, their nervous system operates in a calmer, more integrated state. The body’s social engagement system is literally activated by felt safety in relationship. Isolation, by contrast, keeps the nervous system in a low-grade state of vigilance and threat. This is why withdrawal from God and others doesn’t just feel painful—it physiologically disrupts our capacity to function well.
  • Anxiety. Brain science tells us that anxiety is not primarily a response to external problems, but acts as a warning signal that something is wrong in our connections to God and others. “Rather than being a direct response to problems,” Lisa Popcak explains, “anxiety is actually a sign that we feel disconnected from people—the people that God has placed in our life to support us. The key to regaining our peace is working to restore that sense of communion and connection.” When we feel anxious, the body is sending a message: go find safe, healthy people.

Physical symptoms like panic attacks, chronic tension, and persistent exhaustion follow the same logic. They are often the body making visible some dysfunction in the mind or spirit. Medication may help manage those symptoms, but lasting healing requires attending to the whole person.

We Are Wired for Communion

These five examples point toward one of TOB’s most practically important teachings: we are made for communion. Not just in the sense that other people are nice to have around, but in the deeper sense that we are literally strongest when connected to God and to one another—physically, neurologically, and spiritually designed to give and receive love.

As Dr. Popcak puts it, isolation doesn’t just leave us running low; it actively drains us. When problems cause us to withdraw from God and the people we love, our brains change in ways that make us feel powerless, overwhelmed, and alone.

This understanding that we are made for relationship shapes the Popcaks’ approach to specific problems. When a caller struggles with anxiety, for example, the conversation might move toward examining what connections in their life feel threatened or broken. Other times, when someone lacks the confidence to tackle a tough problem, the Popcaks urge the practice of receptivity, which Lisa explains as “the ability to listen to God in the moment so we’re not just relying on our own strength or our own instincts or even our own fears to guide us.”

Suffering is Not the End of the Story

Perhaps the deepest gift the Theology of the Body offers to people in pain is a way to understand their suffering.

As the Popcaks explain, every human story follows the pattern of the larger biblical story of God’s relationship with humanity.

  1. Chapter one is original man—who God created us to be before sin: “secure, whole, capable of loving and being loved totally without fear.”
  2. Chapter two is historical man—the wounded people we are now, “living in a fallen world, carrying the scars of sins committed against us and the sins and mistakes that we’ve made.”
  3. Chapter three is eschatological man—the people we are becoming, day by day, through God’s healing grace. Ultimately, we are destined to be fully restored and glorified in Christ.

The paschal mystery—Christ’s suffering, death, and Resurrection—blazed a path for us from chapter two to chapter three. Because Christ took on a human body, he did not suffer abstractly. He suffered physically and emotionally (body and mind): exhaustion, grief, betrayal, abandonment, and death. Human suffering does not have to be meaningless: God himself has walked this territory, and because he has, he can lead us through it.

“Even in the middle of difficult times,” Lisa says, “God wants to show us how to respond to what we’re going through in a way that helps us to become the people he created us to be, and to work for the good of those around us.”

It is tempting to think that our wounds, our struggles, and our bad habits define who we are. But the Theology of the Body insists otherwise.

“Our past may explain some things about us,” Dr. Popcak says, “but it’s grace that defines us.”

Body, Mind, and Spirit Working Together

Pastoral counseling rooted in the Theology of the Body doesn’t treat the body, mind, and spirit as separate departments. It understands them as interlocking dimensions of a single human experience. Tackling relational or personal problems means taking all three into account, and the Theology of the Body offers a framework for doing exactly that.

If you’d like to explore what that kind of integrated healing might look like in your own life, reach out to any of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Playing for Glory: How Theology of the Body Transforms the Way Athletes Compete

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For athletes, the body isn’t just a tool — it’s the means through which we experience challenge, growth, and joy. But for many, the world of sports can become a place of striving, comparison, and pressure to perform.
The Theology of the Body invites us to see something far deeper: that our bodies — our strength, our discipline, our drive — are not just for competition, but for communion.

St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body reminds us that the human person is a unity of body and soul, created to reveal God’s love through self-giving. That means every practice, every game, every sprint or swing or shot is an opportunity to glorify God not just through what we do, but how we do it.

The Body Reveals the Person

When JPII said “the body, in fact, and only the body, is capable of making visible what is invisible,” he was talking about the deepest truths of our humanity — and that includes sports.
Athletes know their bodies in a unique way. Every motion, every breath, every ounce of endurance expresses something interior — determination, courage, teamwork, and purpose.

When an athlete gives their all, they’re not just revealing skill. They’re revealing spirit.
In this way, the Theology of the Body transforms sports into a living prayer — a way to glorify God by using the body to express truth, beauty, and love.

Virtue in Motion

The virtues that make great athletes — discipline, perseverance, humility, teamwork — are the same virtues that form saints.
Sports become a school of virtue, where we learn to unite effort and grace. Every athlete knows what it’s like to struggle, to fail, to rise again. In those moments, we’re not just training our bodies — we’re training our souls.

When an athlete chooses integrity over ego, effort over excuses, and teamwork over pride, they’re living the Theology of the Body — because they’re using their freedom not for self-glorification, but for love.

St. Paul understood this deeply when he wrote, “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run so as to win.” (1 Corinthians 9:24). The goal isn’t just victory on the field, but holiness — to “win” the crown that lasts forever.

True Confidence: Competing as a Gift

The world tells athletes that confidence comes from achievement, performance, or winning. But TOB reveals a different truth: our worth is not earned — it’s received.
Every skill, every ability, every victory is a gift meant to be given back in love.

When athletes root their confidence in their identity in who God uniquely created them to be, they compete with freedom. Mistakes don’t define them, and success doesn’t consume them. They can play for something bigger than themselves — the glory of God — and in doing so, they become fully alive.

That’s what it means to compete as a gift. To say, “Lord, this body, this breath, this game — it’s all Yours.”

Teamwork and Communion

The Theology of the Body teaches that we are made for communion — for relationships that mirror the love of the Trinity. Sports give us a chance to live that truth in real time.
When a team moves as one, when teammates sacrifice for each other, when an athlete encourages rather than criticizes — they reveal the heart of communion.

This is what it means to “play for each other” — not as a cliché, but as a lived theology. It’s learning to see your teammates as gifts, not competitors, and your opponents as people deserving respect and dignity.

Worship Through Movement

Sports can become a form of worship when we bring intention to it. Whether you’re stepping onto the field, lacing up your shoes, or taking a deep breath before competition, invite God into the moment:

“Lord, help me use my body today to glorify You.
Help me compete with integrity, lead with love,
and find joy in the gift of this game.”

When you approach your sport this way, you discover that training the body trains the soul. You learn discipline that spills into prayer, patience that flows into relationships, and gratitude that transforms ordinary moments into worship.

Theology of the Body in Action

For athletes, living out TOB means recognizing that your sport is not separate from your faith — it’s one more place where you live your faith.

  • You glorify God through how you train.

  • You reveal God through how you treat others.

  • You encounter God through how you rise after defeat.

That’s what makes sports holy. Not the scoreboard, but the surrender — using your body to make visible the invisible love of God.

So the next time you step on the field, the court, the track, or the stage — remember this:
Your body is not just an instrument for success. It’s a gift that reveals your Creator.
Play like it. Train like it. Love like it.

Because in the end, the greatest victory is not the one that happens on the field,
but the one that happens in your heart.

If you would like to learn more about how to become the athlete–the person–the God created you to be and to live that out with confidence and faith, learn more about our Faith Based Success and Performance Coaching at CatholicCounselors.com.

Burned Out for Christ? Re-order Your Priorities

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Most parishes are blessed with a handful of super-volunteers—the dependable, energetic folks who are the first to say yes when there’s a committee to lead or a project to complete. Parish staff know they can count on them. Fellow parishioners admire them. Their dedication seems unstoppable.

And yet, all that good work can have a dark side, says Dr. Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. All too often, people let their ministry work crowd out other activities that ought to be a higher priority, like connecting with a spouse or taking care of themselves.

And when that happens, trouble often ensues.

Disordered Priorities

The impulse to overload our schedules with ministry and volunteer work is often motivated by a sincere desire to serve God, Kolodziej says.

While that desire to serve God is good in itself, Kolodziej says, where things get off track is when people begin thinking that such work as the most important way they serve God. Their mindset can be: If I’m not doing something for the parish (or another ministry) all the time, I must be failing God.

This mindset can lead to misplaced priorities, where the most important relationships in our lives—our spouse, children, even our relationship with God—start taking a back seat to less essential obligations. Spiritually, it can also result in scrupulosity, or the mistaken idea that we can somehow earn God’s love through our own hard work and sacrifice.

“A lot of people will join various ministries—they’re going to this meeting, they’re going to that meeting, they’re doing this and all kinds of stuff,” Kolodziej says. “And I’ll say (to clients), ‘So all of this ministry work that you’re doing is against what God wants you to do, not that he doesn’t want you to do it, but he wants you to keep your priorities straight.”

For married people, this usually means prioritizing God first, then your spouse, then your kids, then everything else—including volunteer ministry work, he says. This order of priority is inherent to the vocation of marriage; single people will have a different list of priorities, of course.

“The priority that you signed up for when you got married was your family,” he says. “You give your family your first and your best. That is doing what God wants you to do. So if you shirk that responsibility by working in church ministry or anything else—if you’re a workaholic or whatever—you’re shirking what you signed up for that you said you’re going to do.”

Another way Kolodziej sees this tendency toward disordered priorities show up in family dynamics is when children become the center of their parents’ attention, to the detriment of the marriage.

“A lot of people are saying, ‘I’m doing this for the children,’” he says. Parents will say that their kids need their time and attention.

“They do need that, but that’s not the most important thing,” he says. “The most important thing for the children, other than formation in God, is the relationship between mom and dad. That is more important to the child than (the parents) spending time with them. They want to know that mom and dad aren’t going anywhere, that mom and dad love each other.”

The health and stability of the marriage provide the foundation for everything else that goes on in the family, Kolodziej says. “And oftentimes when we have children, we forget about our spouse. Our spouse takes second place, and that is disordered.”

God Wants You to Take Care of Yourself

Another sneaky way priorities get disordered under the guise of “serving God” is when we get so busy taking care of other people, we don’t ever stop to take time for ourselves.

Kolodziej shares the example of a woman who juggled a full-time job, caregiving for elderly parents, and the demands of running a household. She was exhausted and overwhelmed but felt guilty taking time for herself. In her mind, God was calling her to practice ascetic self-sacrifice by putting others’ needs before her own. The problem was, her own needs never got met.

When Kolodziej challenged her to consider how her loved ones were experiencing her burnout, it clicked.

“You’re so burnt out that all you’re giving all these people is a shell, a pulse,” he told her. “You’re not able to do the creative, joyful, life-giving things your family needs. You need self-care in order to be able to then give other people the talents that God has given you.”

Self-care might include quiet prayer, exercise, rest, hobbies, or simply enjoying the beauty of nature. These are not indulgences; they are ways of filling the tank so you can serve others from a place of joy, not depletion.

How to Rebalance Your Priorities

Kolodziej has a few practical tips to help people get back on track with their priorities.

  1.     Learn to say “no.” It can be hard to turn down Father or church staff, but Kolodziej suggests remembering that every “yes” is a “no” to something else. Make sure that you’re saying yes to your heavenly Father before you say yes to the Father at your parish.
  2.     Learn to let go. Sometimes the difficulty isn’t saying “no” to the parish, but saying “no” to ourselves. As much as we’d like to have our hand in everything, we need to let go of the things that are less important and prioritize our time and energy for our main vocation.
  3.     Ask for help. If you’re so busy with the most basic demands of life that you don’t have time for volunteering, then it might be time to ask for help. This might involve asking your workplace for some flexibility, seeking outside help from a social service agency or your church, or asking other members of your family to pitch in more.

The bottom line: If you make sure your priorities line up with God’s priorities, a lot of other things will click into place.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities—or unsure of how to re-balance your life in a healthier, more God-centered way—you don’t have to figure it out alone. A pastoral counselor can walk with you as you discern where to let go, where to say no, and how to embrace the joy God wants to give you. Reach out to a professional pastoral counselor who shares your faith at CatholicCounselors.com.

Fixing Relationship Troubles Isn’t All On You

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Hurt feelings over wedding invitations seemed to have ended Ruth’s 30-year friendship with another woman. Meanwhile, a simple misunderstanding had blown up Patricia’s relationship with a friend from church.

Both women desperately wanted to make their relationships whole again. But when they called in to the More2Life radio show, hosts Dr. Greg Popcak and Lisa Popcak gave them some surprising advice: restoring the relationship isn’t all on you.

‘How Can I Convince Her?’

Ruth’s situation was particularly complex. For three decades, her family and her friend’s family had gathered every summer, always including the friend’s daughter who was in a same-sex relationship. Ruth’s family had made it a priority to show love and acceptance to her friend’s daughter.

But when Ruth’s son planned his wedding, tight budget constraints meant no plus-ones for anyone—not just the friend’s daughter, but close family members, too. Despite this being clearly a financial decision affecting multiple people, Ruth’s friend interpreted it as discrimination against her daughter’s lifestyle and cut off all contact.

After a year of painful silence, Ruth’s friend had finally agreed to meet, but Ruth was anxious about the upcoming conversation. “I want to know exactly how I convince her that it had nothing to do with her daughter’s lifestyle choices,” Ruth told the Popcaks. “I’ve got family members who are in the same type of situation.”

Patricia’s story was different but equally frustrating. She had told people at church that a fellow parishioner’s uncle had died—but as it turned out, he hadn’t. Despite Patricia’s attempts to apologize and clarify the honest mistake, her friend had been angry with Patricia ever since.

“I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do to remedy this situation,” Patricia wrote in an email to More2Life. “I’ve tried to talk to her, but nothing’s changed.”

The Trap of Working Too Hard

The stories of both callers illustrate a common trap that we can fall into when misunderstandings lead to broken relationships.

“We have this tendency to think that just because someone’s angry at us, we must have done something wrong, and it’s our job to make them not be angry at us,” Dr. Popcak explained.

We often assume we need to convince the other person, justify every decision, work harder to prove our good intentions, and take responsibility for managing the other person’s emotions.

But when it comes to honest misunderstandings, we don’t have to work that hard.

“God doesn’t ask us to make every relationship in our lives work just on our own,” Dr. Popcak reminded Ruth. “We want to be around people who can be healthy around us and be healthy for us.”

Even God Deals with Rejection

Even God, who is perfect love, doesn’t force people into relationship with him, Lisa Popcak pointed out. After all, the Word became flesh, lived among us, and even died for us, and people still rejected him. God allows us our free will because he wants real, authentic relationships—not forced compliance.

We’re called to follow his example: extend the invitation to relationship and let others choose to accept it or not. We can’t expect to control every relationship outcome, no matter how perfectly we behave or how clearly we explain ourselves.

Offer Relationship, Respect Freedom

The Popcaks recommended that both Ruth and Patricia simply state the facts clearly and let the other person choose their response.

For Ruth, this meant saying something straightforward: “Look, we don’t have unlimited amounts of money, so we restricted the wedding to those people that we were closest to. Nobody got to bring a plus one. It was purely a monetary decision. I care about you and want to be your friend. If you’re open to that, wonderful—we can build our friendship. If not, it saddens me, but I’ll accept your decision.”

In Patricia’s situation, the Popcaks pointed out that her fellow parishioner failed to practice the Christian obligation of charitable interpretation. When someone hurts us, our first response should be to assume good intentions and seek clarification. That doesn’t mean ignoring offenses or bad behavior; it simply means giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t deliberately trying to cause hurt or offense.

Patricia’s friend should have come to her and asked what was up, Dr. Popcak said. When Patricia clarified that it was all a misunderstanding, her friend should have accepted that explanation.

Patricia had fulfilled her Christian obligation by acknowledging her mistake and clarifying her intentions. Her friend’s continued anger was her friend’s choice—not Patricia’s responsibility to fix.

The Freedom of Doing Your Part

Both Ruth and Patricia had already fulfilled their Christian obligations to love and seek peace. The rest was up to their friends.

Realizing that maintaining relationships isn’t our sole responsibility brings tremendous freedom—the freedom to love without condition while maintaining healthy boundaries, to seek peace without compromising truth, and to trust God with outcomes beyond our control.

For more help with relationship problems, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for more one-on-one guidance, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Loving Difficult People: A Catholic Approach to Annoying Behavior

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Take a moment to make a mental list of people who drive you nuts: the roommate who is always badgering you to do this or that but who never pitches in herself; the coworker who overshares about her personal life; the adult sibling who won’t stop inserting his politics into your relationship; or the parish administrator whose negative assessment of every proposal is a roadblock to needed change.

How do you deal with such people, especially if you count yourself a follower of Jesus?

St. Augustine advised that we “love the sinner, hate the sin,” but in practice, many people either hate the sinner and the sin—or they love the sin in the name of loving the sinner.

These responses might be attractive due to their simplicity—but they don’t fulfill our calling as Christians, says Dr. Greg Popcak in his book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts. The problem is, many Christians don’t know how to love the sinner while hating the sin.

If we want to change the way we interact with difficult people, Popcak suggests, we have to start by understanding them. That doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior—it means digging deeper to uncover the intention behind it.

Looking through a Loving Lens

Every annoying behavior, Popcak writes, is an attempt—however flawed—to meet a legitimate need or pursue a positive goal. In psychological terms, it’s called “secondary gain”: a hidden benefit someone receives from their actions, even if those actions are unhealthy or counterproductive.

For example, maybe your demanding roommate is driven by anxiety and needs things to feel “just right” to calm her inner world. Maybe your co-worker is an extrovert who needs to process the drama in her life out loud in order to make sense of it. Maybe your brother’s attempts to get you to validate his political views is all about shoring up his sense of security. And maybe the parish administrator had a bad experience in the past that has left her super cautious about change.

When we pause to consider these possibilities, our reactions to the annoying or offensive behavior shifts. Instead of retaliating or shutting down, we can choose curiosity, compassion, and even love.

From Conflict to Connection

That shift definitely does not mean we excuse bad behavior. Popcak is clear: loving someone doesn’t mean letting hurtful patterns go unchallenged. But when we understand that a person’s action might be a clumsy way of pursuing something good—like connection, respect, or affirmation—we open the door to genuine change.

Take the story of Ralph, a father whose harsh parenting methods drove his children away. Ralph believed he was doing the right thing by “toughening them up,” “preparing them for the real world.” His intentions were rooted in love, but his methods were flawed and painful. Only when someone took the time to understand why he acted the way he did—and showed him a better way—did Ralph begin to see how things might have been different.

“Understanding is merely the starting point for respectful change,” Popcak writes. “We cannot hope to create change in our relationships if people experience us as their adversaries. So to build the rapport needed for respectful change to happen, we must challenge our initial inclinations to lash out and instead seek understanding of the true intention behind another’s offensive behavior. It helps us meet others not as adversaries, but as people trying—and often failing—to get something good in the only way they know how.”

A Practical Exercise: Rewriting the Script

Take a moment to try this shift yourself. Thinking about someone whose behavior irritates you, walk through these three simple but powerful steps:

1. Name your reaction: How do you feel? Angry? Hurt? Dismissed? Misunderstood? This step is important—acknowledge your emotional truth before trying to move into understanding. Denying your feelings won’t help you respond more lovingly; naming them will.

 

2. Imagine the intention: Ask yourself, “If this person had a good reason for acting this way—even if it’s not obvious to me—what might it be?” This step is where empathy begins. Could they be overwhelmed? Feeling disrespected? Trying to regain control? Needing comfort or connection? Try to identify at least one possible positive intention, even if their method of expressing it is deeply flawed.

 

3. Choose a new response: Now, imagine responding from a place of compassion. What might you say or do differently if you believed that the other person’s behavior was actually a cry for help, a bid for love, or an attempt to feel safe or heard? Maybe instead of snapping back, you ask a curious question. Maybe instead of withdrawing, you offer support or set a firm but kind boundary. You don’t have to excuse the behavior, but you can approach it in a way that creates connection instead of conflict.

Try practicing this with small situations first—a curt text, an impatient tone, a forgotten task—and work your way up to more challenging scenarios. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes to respond with grace, understanding, and love.

Doing the Hard Work of Love

At the heart of the Christian life is the call to love others—even when they’re difficult, Popcak says. That doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means doing the hard work of trying to understand the hearts behind the actions.

As Popcak points out, sin isn’t always about malicious intent—it’s often just a misguided way of reaching for something good. And when we can see that, we’re more likely to respond in a way that actually helps others grow into the people God created them to be.

Understanding the intent behind offensive behavior is just the beginning of the process. For more advice on dealing with annoying or offensive behavior in a loving way, pick up a copy of God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Or, for more one-on-one help, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.