How the Saints Can Correct Our Idea of What ‘Holiness’ Looks Like

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You wouldn’t think that a 16th-century prankster would have much to contribute to a modern pastoral counseling practice—but St. Philip Neri is one of pastoral counselor Jacob Flores-Popcak’s go-to saints.

Known as the “Apostle of Rome,” Philip Neri was famous for his holiness—and his humor. Once, he even showed up to a banquet held in his honor with all the hair on one side of his head shaved clean off (eyebrows and beard, too!), smiling and chatting all evening as if nothing were unusual.

For Flores-Popcak, this story captures an often-overlooked truth about emotional and spiritual growth: humility and silliness often go hand in hand. Flores-Popcak often uses Philip Neri’s example in therapy sessions to help clients see how pride can quietly sabotage relationships.

“A lot of the time relationship problems come down to wanting so badly to save face and to be taken seriously,” Flores-Popcak said. “Then I fall into the sin of pride and end up kind of shutting out my capacity for empathy or compassion.”

True humility, he explains, doesn’t mean putting ourselves down; it means being willing to let go of control—even to risk looking foolish for the sake of love. Embracing the role of Neri’s “holy fool” frees up our mind and heart to feel empathy for the other person’s situation. “And that’s going to make me a more effective communicator—and ironically, make sure that I am understood.”

Why the Saints Belong in Pastoral Counseling

A few years ago, Flores-Popcak did a deep dive into the writings of the saints about issues that often come up in pastoral counseling. He found a treasure trove of insights that resonate with the best evidence-based practices of 21st century counselors.

“Let’s recognize that mental health isn’t a new thing,” he said. “Humans have always had brains and relationships. So if someone is sincerely trying to love and serve Christ—which are really the same thing—they’re naturally going to have some good advice about how to live and relate well.

He eventually boiled his project down into twenty quotes that he turned into social media posts. Here’s a sampling:

  • St. Thomas Aquinas: “…a hurtful thing hurts yet more if we keep it shut up… when a man sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with him, striving, as it were, to lessen its weight” (Summa Theologica, Quaestio 38).
  • St. Peter Damian: “But if I were to tell you of all the graces conferred by tears, the day would be at an end before I had finished… Tears bring forth joy from sadness. When they spring from the eyes… they raise us up to the hope of eternal blessedness.”
  • St. Catherine of Siena: “What is it you want to change? Your hair, your face, your body? Why? For God is in love with all those things and He might weep when they are gone” (The Dialogue, 96)
  • St. Philip Neri: “…Let us aim for joy, rather than respectability. Let us make fools of ourselves from time to time, and thus see ourselves, for a moment, as the all-wise God sees us.”
  • St. Ignatius of Loyola: “It is not the soul alone that should be healthy; if the mind is healthy in a healthy body, all will be healthy and much better prepared to give God greater service.”
  • St. Teresa of Avila: “It is a great advantage for us to be able to consult someone who knows us, so that we may learn to know ourselves… As a rule, all our anxieties and troubles come from misunderstanding our own nature.”

The quote that elicited the largest response on social media was the one from St. Peter Damien about the value of tears.

“We had people sharing vulnerably about how their parents had screamed at them or even hit them for crying, telling them to ‘offer it up.’ And then here’s a Doctor of the Church talking about the importance of letting yourself cry—both psychologically and spiritually,” Flores-Popcak said. “For a lot of people, it was eye-opening to realize that maybe their parents were wrong—that the Church actually values tears as something holy and healing.”

The Saints Didn’t Have It Easy

Flores-Popcak is not the only pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com who brings the saints into their counseling sessions. Often, counselors will bring up the lives of the saints to offer their clients encouragement.

“We think of saints as being these perfect people with perfect faith, but they were truly people who had difficulties in their life,” says pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac. “It wasn’t about being perfect or not struggling with things, but the conviction to continue to turn to God and not let struggles define them that made them the saints we know.”

Another pastoral counselor, Grant Freeman, challenges clients to think about where Mary’s deep peace came from. It would be simplistic to think that being “full of grace” meant that she had it easy. But if you think about it, he said, the Joyful Mysteries could really be dubbed the “Nightmare Mysteries.”

“The Annunciation: Unmarried pregnancy that will likely be perceived negatively. The Visitation: 90-mile journey with morning sickness,” he said. “Christmas: Not necessarily a cakewalk; also, slaughter of the innocents. Presentation: Simeon and Anna aren’t necessarily harbingers of joy. Finding in the temple? In the modern era, a CPS incident.”

His point is that Mary’s peace was really grounded in deep trust in the Lord’s providence.

Counselor Andy Proctor said he often points clients to saints who overcame painful family histories. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and St. Martin de Porres are favorite examples; both of them experienced instability and rejection early in life yet grew into people of deep compassion. Their stories, he says, offer hope to anyone still healing from their past: your history may shape you, but it doesn’t have to define you. Grace can transform even the hardest beginnings into holiness.

St. Maximilian Kolbe: Choosing the Adult Mindset

Of course, the saints also provide a model navigating those difficulties. For Ron LaGro, St. Maximilian Kolbe is the ultimate example of emotional maturity—what therapists call an adult mindset.

Kolbe’s calm courage in Auschwitz showed that he refused to let emotions or circumstances dictate his choices. Even in a starvation bunker, he remained centered and purposeful, leading other prisoners in hymns as they died together.

LaGro contrasts this with what he calls the child mindset—blaming others or situations for one’s actions. “People say, ‘I’d do the right thing, but my spouse…’ or ‘but my situation…’ That’s the misery-making mindset,” he said. “Kolbe shows what it looks like to stay centered, responsible, and free—even in the darkest places.”

The Saints Show Us the Way

From Philip Neri’s playful humility to Mary’s steadfast trust and Kolbe’s self-possession, the saints model the kind of emotional and spiritual maturity that leads to lasting peace. They show us that holiness and wholeness are two sides of the same coin—each born from grace cooperating with human effort.

This All Saints Day, consider which saint speaks to your own struggles right now. What lesson might God be offering you through their story?

And if you’d like help applying that wisdom in your own life, reach out to a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. 

To Raise Healthy, Happy, Holy Kids, Start with a Game of Catch

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In our last post, we talked about various discipline strategies, and why authoritative discipline—and Discipleship Discipline, in particular—produces the best outcomes for kids and parents alike. Now, we’re going to look at the foundation for the success of Discipleship Discipline (or any discipline strategy, for that matter): a strong, secure relationship between parent and child. Without this foundation, the best discipline strategies in the world will fall flat, because kids learn best from people they are securely bonded to.

(By the way, much of this post is adapted from Parenting Your Kids with Grace: Birth to Age 10 and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace: Ages 11 to 18.)

Playing Catch: The Back-and-Forth of Parenting

Have you ever played catch with your kids? When you toss the ball, your goal isn’t to make it hard for them to succeed. You throw it in a way that helps them catch it, and when they throw it back, you do your best to keep the game going.

Parenting works the same way. “Discipleship Parenting is a lot like teaching your kids to play catch,” Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak write. “You try to help each other get better at sending the ball back and forth… and you try to keep the ball in play no matter how it’s thrown to you.” The back-and-forth of daily interactions is how kids learn to trust us, listen to us, and eventually, follow us in faith.

Parent-Child Relationships: Good Soil for Growing Healthy, Holy Adults

Long before kids are ready to be taught about God or virtue, the foundation for those lessons is already being laid.

“Babies and toddlers can’t learn faith facts, but they can learn how much they’re worth in God’s eyes when their parents take time to gaze at them, comfort them, and meet their needs as generously as they’re able,” the Popcaks write.

These early, nonverbal experiences literally become part of a child’s brain architecture. They form the neurological foundation for self-control, empathy, and even moral reasoning. As kids grow, the same principle applies: their confidence that Mom or Dad will “catch the ball” whenever they throw it—whether it’s a problem, a worry, or a mistake—determines how open they’ll be to guidance and how resilient they’ll be in the face of peer or cultural pressures.

At this point, you may wonder whether we’re talking about attachment parenting—a style of parenting that often emphasizes practices like babywearing, extended breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. These techniques can certainly support secure attachment, but they are not the same thing as attachment.

Attachment itself isn’t a set of practices. It’s a relationship—a child’s inner confidence that their parents are there for them, consistently, generously, and lovingly. Some parents may use attachment parenting methods but still foster insecure attachment if they are resentful, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable. Likewise, parents who don’t use those methods can still raise securely attached kids if they cultivate habits of warm, responsive, and reliable caregiving.

And importantly, attachment isn’t just something babies need. It matters through every stage of a child’s life. For example, imagine your teen comes home from school looking withdrawn. They slam their backpack down and retreat to their room.

A parent who is focused only on correcting behavior might scold: “Don’t you dare slam things around this house!” But a parent practicing attachment-based discipleship would start by “collecting” their child—that is, making a personal connection that signals that Mom or Dad is on their team. The parent might start by gently knocking on the door and asking, “You seem upset—want to talk about it?”

Even if the teen doesn’t open up right away, that consistent, nonjudgmental presence communicates: You can turn to me. I’m here for you. Over time, this creates the trust that makes real correction and discipleship possible.

As we discussed in our earlier article, discipline that is grounded in a warm, secure relationship is not the same as “permissive parenting,” a parenting style in which parents provide their kids with little or no structure to support their growth. Authoritative discipline styles provide kids with rules, boundaries, and expectations, all supported by warm, secure parent-child attachment.

Secure vs. Insecure Relationships

Let’s go back to our “game of catch” analogy. What happens if the game of catch breaks down? The Popcaks point out that children who don’t experience consistent responsiveness often stop wanting to “play.” This can take a couple of forms:

  • Anxious attachment develops when parents respond inconsistently. Kids may achieve a lot, but inside they never feel good enough. “This child comes to believe that the game doesn’t go well because there’s something wrong with them.”
  • Avoidant attachment grows when parents are disengaged or dismissive. These kids learn not to bother throwing the ball at all. They avoid intimacy, become suspicious of closeness, and may even look down on those who seek connection.

Neither pattern sets a child up for healthy relationships—or for a living, vibrant faith. In fact, research shows that our attachment style to parents strongly predicts how we will relate to God, the Popcaks say. Anxiously attached people may see God as harsh and impossible to please, while avoidantly attached people may keep God at a distance.

Nurturing Attachment with the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life

How, then, can Catholic families intentionally cultivate secure attachment? One powerful framework is the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, a model developed by the Popcaks that highlights everyday practices that build faith and family bonds.

The “rites” in this framework include practices proven to strengthen healthy parent-child attachment. Some of these practices include:

  • Extravagant affection and affirmation. Kids who receive extravagant affection and affirmation from their parents thrive in all areas of life, from academic achievement to peer relationships and more. This might take the form of (appropriate) physical contact such as hugs as well as words of genuine encouragement and acknowledgement. Even when parents provide a child with healthy boundaries or help them correct their behavior, the overall vibe is one of teamwork, not opposition.
  • Prompt, generous, cheerful, and consistent attention to needs. When parents respond promptly, consistently, and generously to their needs, kids feel safe and secure. And when kids learn that they can rely on their parents to “be there for them” as children, they continue to turn to their parents as tweens, teens, and young adults. And there’s a bonus: parents who model and teach their children this way of relating benefit from kids who want to do the same for them.
  • Intentionally making time to be together. It’s hard to have a relationship without shared, common experiences—and in today’s world, that means intentionally making time to work, play, talk, and pray together.

These and other simple but intentional habits help children form strong relationships with their parents, siblings—and God. That’s because the parent-child relationship provides a template for the child’s relationship with God.

The Heart of Discipleship Parenting

The bottom line: secure attachment—the confidence that your child can always turn to you—makes all the difference. “Fostering strong attachment with your children through every age and stage is the key to creating a discipleship relationship with your child,” the Popcaks say.

This doesn’t mean being perfect. Parents will “drop the ball” sometimes. What matters most is consistency: showing up, listening, responding generously, and making repairs when things go wrong. Over time, these habits create the kind of bond that makes children resilient, open to their parents’ guidance, and ready to follow Christ.

For more on how to foster secure, faith-filled relationships with your kids, check out Parenting Your Kids with Grace (Birth to Age 10) and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace (Ages 11 to 18) by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support building stronger bonds with your children, join the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

Created for Joy

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One of the most powerful insights St. John Paul II offers us in his Theology of the Body (TOB) is this: God created us for joy.

Not the fleeting kind of happiness we get when life feels easy, comfortable, or conflict-free—but a deeper, lasting joy. Happiness depends on circumstances. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. It’s a state of being that flows from living a meaningful, intimate, and virtuous life.

So how do we cultivate this kind of joy? TOB gives us three key paths: meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue.

Joy through Meaningfulness

John Paul II described meaningfulness as self-giving. It’s the choice to use our gifts, talents, and even our struggles to make a positive difference in our world.

Every day presents us with opportunities to give ourselves away in love—whether that’s in the way we show up at work, the way we care for our families, or how we serve in our communities. Joy grows when we step into the truth that our lives matter, and that our contribution—big or small—has eternal weight.

Joy through Intimacy

The Theology of the Body also reminds us that joy flows from intimacy, which is at the heart of building what John Paul II called “communities of love.”

This means choosing to invest intentionally in authentic relationships: our spouse, our children, our friendships, and even our broader communities. When we are rooted in belonging, we are steadied—even in hardship. Genuine intimacy teaches us that we don’t walk alone, and that our lives are interwoven with others in God’s plan.

Joy through Virtue

Finally, joy grows through virtue. TOB calls us to spend our lives growing into the people God created us to be. Virtue is not about perfection—it’s about cooperating with God’s grace to let every circumstance, both the blessings and the challenges, shape us into stronger, holier, healthier people.

Every choice we make to pursue goodness, patience, courage, or compassion is a step toward becoming who God designed us to be. And in that process, joy takes deeper root in our hearts.

Living the Call to Joy

When we pursue meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue, we cultivate a joy that doesn’t disappear when life gets hard. This kind of joy is steady and resilient, because it rests on the knowledge that where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going all make sense in God’s plan.

If you’re wondering where to begin, here are a few questions to pray with today:

  • How can I use my gifts to make a difference right now?

  • How can I invest more intentionally in my relationships?

  • How can I cooperate with grace to grow through the challenges I face?

Living this way won’t always make you “happy.” But it will fill your life with the joy you were created for—a joy that lasts, because it’s rooted in the heart of God.

If you would like support in cultivating joy through greater meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue in your life and relationships, reach out to one of our pastoral counselors today.

Instead of Settling, Become Who You Are

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“That’s just not me.” How many times have you said—or thought—that phrase?

We humans have a natural tendency to define ourselves by our limitations. We create identity statements that box us in: “I’m just not an affectionate person,” “I don’t like praying out loud in a group,” or “I’m not comfortable with emotional vulnerability.”

We all have limits, preferences, and patterns we fall back on. Maybe you’ve even named your particular set of strengths and weaknesses with the help of a personality inventory.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak explained in a recent episode of the CatholicHOM podcast, these identity statements are only a starting point, not our final destination. They are helpful to the extent that they point us in the direction of growth.

And that means stepping out of the comfort of our self-defined identity to become the people God calls us to be.

‘Become Who You Are’

“Become who you are.” This simple four-word exhortation of St. John Paul II may seem cryptic at first. How do we “become” who we “are”? A seed might “become” a tree, but a tree doesn’t “become” a tree, after all. But, Dr. Popcak says, St. John Paul II is hinting at a deeper reality.

Whatever we may think of ourselves right now, we are called to become saints—that is, people fully caught up in the love of the Holy Trinity.

“The fact is, we already are those (saints) that we’re trying to become. Theologians like to talk about God as the ‘ground of our being,’” Dr. Popcak explains. “What that phrase means is that the closer we draw to God, the more we become who we really are, because the saints that we are destined to be already exist in God. And the more we draw closer to him, the more that true self, who we really are, is revealed.”

So, while personality inventories or self-reflection might help us understand our identity right now, we are called to move beyond our present selves to claim our true identity, which is already present in God’s heart.

“Our job is to stop settling for what we see when we look in the mirror and instead lean into the person God sees when he looks at us, because that’s who we really are,” Dr. Popcak says.

Everyday Opportunities for Growth

Many of our self-defined limitations stem from past experiences, the Popcaks suggest, often rooted in spiritual or emotional injury. These don’t have to be major traumas—they might be as simple as how we were raised, experiences in school, or even a lack of certain experiences that makes something feel foreign or “not me.”

When we recognize that our limitations often come from wounds or gaps rather than our true nature, we can approach them with greater compassion and curiosity. Instead of defending them as immutable aspects of our identity, we can ask: “What might be possible if I were willing to grow beyond this boundary?”

It is our closest relationships—with spouses, children, siblings, friends—that often present the most powerful invitations to grow beyond our limits, the Popcaks say.

God put these people in our lives, Lisa Popcak says, and it is by responding to their needs that we grow into our true identity. “It is about everything in the household, all of the people trying their best to meet the needs of the other, even when it causes us to stretch and grow,” she says.

She points to the example of St. Joseph, a godly man who listened to God even in his sleep and responded with courage to the needs of the people entrusted to his care. We might not be called to marry an already-pregnant woman, raise the Son of God, or flee to another country to protect our family. But like Joseph, responding to the needs of the people in our life with generosity and good cheer may take us well outside our comfort zone. It might mean being more physically affectionate (even though we weren’t raised that way), drawing healthy boundaries instead of giving in to a friend’s self-destructive behavior, or spending less time at work to spend more time with our family. It might mean trying a support group despite our deep discomfort or working hard to curb our habit of starting the day with a negative attitude. The possibilities are boundless!

It’s a Mutual Thing

The concept of mutuality plays an important role here, the Popcaks say. Within a family, for instance, each person is called to give their whole selves to the others, but at the same time, the other members of the family are called to give their whole selves to that person.

While “mutual self-donation” is the goal, the Popcaks are careful to distinguish between healthy growth and unhealthy accommodation. They offer two important qualifiers.

First, this approach doesn’t apply to requests that are immoral or demeaning. Authentic growth never requires compromising your values or dignity.

And second, responding to others’ needs doesn’t mean abandoning your own. The goal is mutual thriving, not one-sided sacrifice. The key is distinguishing between needs (what enables a person to thrive) and wants (preferences about how and when those needs are met). While we should be open to meeting others’ legitimate needs, we can negotiate the specifics in ways that respect our own needs too.

A Balanced Approach

In the end, becoming who we are isn’t about denying our present limitations; rather, we can acknowledge our current limitations while also being open to growth.

Let’s say, for instance, that your spouse asks whether you could curb your habit of sighing and rolling your eyes when family needs call you away from your favorite pastime. Lisa Popcak suggests that it is perfectly appropriate to say, “That doesn’t come naturally to me, and it will be challenging. I’ll need your patience. But because I love you and want to be the person I’m called to be, I’m going to work on stretching in that way.”

This approach acknowledges both your current limitations and your commitment to growth beyond them. It invites partnership in the process rather than pretending change is easy or instantaneous.

Becoming the saints we were created to be is not about trying harder on our own but growing in relationship. “God wants us to learn to love each other more than we love our comfort zones,” Greg says.

And in that stretching, in that mutual gift of self, we discover the people we were meant to be all along.

You can hear the entire podcast episode (Episode 83, “Become Who You Are”) exclusively on the CatholicHOM app, where you can also discuss family life issues with trained pastoral counselors. And for more individualized help with personal growth, reach out to a pastoral counselor at catholiccounselors.com.

Burned Out for Christ? Re-order Your Priorities

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Most parishes are blessed with a handful of super-volunteers—the dependable, energetic folks who are the first to say yes when there’s a committee to lead or a project to complete. Parish staff know they can count on them. Fellow parishioners admire them. Their dedication seems unstoppable.

And yet, all that good work can have a dark side, says Dr. Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. All too often, people let their ministry work crowd out other activities that ought to be a higher priority, like connecting with a spouse or taking care of themselves.

And when that happens, trouble often ensues.

Disordered Priorities

The impulse to overload our schedules with ministry and volunteer work is often motivated by a sincere desire to serve God, Kolodziej says.

While that desire to serve God is good in itself, Kolodziej says, where things get off track is when people begin thinking that such work as the most important way they serve God. Their mindset can be: If I’m not doing something for the parish (or another ministry) all the time, I must be failing God.

This mindset can lead to misplaced priorities, where the most important relationships in our lives—our spouse, children, even our relationship with God—start taking a back seat to less essential obligations. Spiritually, it can also result in scrupulosity, or the mistaken idea that we can somehow earn God’s love through our own hard work and sacrifice.

“A lot of people will join various ministries—they’re going to this meeting, they’re going to that meeting, they’re doing this and all kinds of stuff,” Kolodziej says. “And I’ll say (to clients), ‘So all of this ministry work that you’re doing is against what God wants you to do, not that he doesn’t want you to do it, but he wants you to keep your priorities straight.”

For married people, this usually means prioritizing God first, then your spouse, then your kids, then everything else—including volunteer ministry work, he says. This order of priority is inherent to the vocation of marriage; single people will have a different list of priorities, of course.

“The priority that you signed up for when you got married was your family,” he says. “You give your family your first and your best. That is doing what God wants you to do. So if you shirk that responsibility by working in church ministry or anything else—if you’re a workaholic or whatever—you’re shirking what you signed up for that you said you’re going to do.”

Another way Kolodziej sees this tendency toward disordered priorities show up in family dynamics is when children become the center of their parents’ attention, to the detriment of the marriage.

“A lot of people are saying, ‘I’m doing this for the children,’” he says. Parents will say that their kids need their time and attention.

“They do need that, but that’s not the most important thing,” he says. “The most important thing for the children, other than formation in God, is the relationship between mom and dad. That is more important to the child than (the parents) spending time with them. They want to know that mom and dad aren’t going anywhere, that mom and dad love each other.”

The health and stability of the marriage provide the foundation for everything else that goes on in the family, Kolodziej says. “And oftentimes when we have children, we forget about our spouse. Our spouse takes second place, and that is disordered.”

God Wants You to Take Care of Yourself

Another sneaky way priorities get disordered under the guise of “serving God” is when we get so busy taking care of other people, we don’t ever stop to take time for ourselves.

Kolodziej shares the example of a woman who juggled a full-time job, caregiving for elderly parents, and the demands of running a household. She was exhausted and overwhelmed but felt guilty taking time for herself. In her mind, God was calling her to practice ascetic self-sacrifice by putting others’ needs before her own. The problem was, her own needs never got met.

When Kolodziej challenged her to consider how her loved ones were experiencing her burnout, it clicked.

“You’re so burnt out that all you’re giving all these people is a shell, a pulse,” he told her. “You’re not able to do the creative, joyful, life-giving things your family needs. You need self-care in order to be able to then give other people the talents that God has given you.”

Self-care might include quiet prayer, exercise, rest, hobbies, or simply enjoying the beauty of nature. These are not indulgences; they are ways of filling the tank so you can serve others from a place of joy, not depletion.

How to Rebalance Your Priorities

Kolodziej has a few practical tips to help people get back on track with their priorities.

  1.     Learn to say “no.” It can be hard to turn down Father or church staff, but Kolodziej suggests remembering that every “yes” is a “no” to something else. Make sure that you’re saying yes to your heavenly Father before you say yes to the Father at your parish.
  2.     Learn to let go. Sometimes the difficulty isn’t saying “no” to the parish, but saying “no” to ourselves. As much as we’d like to have our hand in everything, we need to let go of the things that are less important and prioritize our time and energy for our main vocation.
  3.     Ask for help. If you’re so busy with the most basic demands of life that you don’t have time for volunteering, then it might be time to ask for help. This might involve asking your workplace for some flexibility, seeking outside help from a social service agency or your church, or asking other members of your family to pitch in more.

The bottom line: If you make sure your priorities line up with God’s priorities, a lot of other things will click into place.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities—or unsure of how to re-balance your life in a healthier, more God-centered way—you don’t have to figure it out alone. A pastoral counselor can walk with you as you discern where to let go, where to say no, and how to embrace the joy God wants to give you. Reach out to a professional pastoral counselor who shares your faith at CatholicCounselors.com.

Fixing Relationship Troubles Isn’t All On You

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Hurt feelings over wedding invitations seemed to have ended Ruth’s 30-year friendship with another woman. Meanwhile, a simple misunderstanding had blown up Patricia’s relationship with a friend from church.

Both women desperately wanted to make their relationships whole again. But when they called in to the More2Life radio show, hosts Dr. Greg Popcak and Lisa Popcak gave them some surprising advice: restoring the relationship isn’t all on you.

‘How Can I Convince Her?’

Ruth’s situation was particularly complex. For three decades, her family and her friend’s family had gathered every summer, always including the friend’s daughter who was in a same-sex relationship. Ruth’s family had made it a priority to show love and acceptance to her friend’s daughter.

But when Ruth’s son planned his wedding, tight budget constraints meant no plus-ones for anyone—not just the friend’s daughter, but close family members, too. Despite this being clearly a financial decision affecting multiple people, Ruth’s friend interpreted it as discrimination against her daughter’s lifestyle and cut off all contact.

After a year of painful silence, Ruth’s friend had finally agreed to meet, but Ruth was anxious about the upcoming conversation. “I want to know exactly how I convince her that it had nothing to do with her daughter’s lifestyle choices,” Ruth told the Popcaks. “I’ve got family members who are in the same type of situation.”

Patricia’s story was different but equally frustrating. She had told people at church that a fellow parishioner’s uncle had died—but as it turned out, he hadn’t. Despite Patricia’s attempts to apologize and clarify the honest mistake, her friend had been angry with Patricia ever since.

“I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do to remedy this situation,” Patricia wrote in an email to More2Life. “I’ve tried to talk to her, but nothing’s changed.”

The Trap of Working Too Hard

The stories of both callers illustrate a common trap that we can fall into when misunderstandings lead to broken relationships.

“We have this tendency to think that just because someone’s angry at us, we must have done something wrong, and it’s our job to make them not be angry at us,” Dr. Popcak explained.

We often assume we need to convince the other person, justify every decision, work harder to prove our good intentions, and take responsibility for managing the other person’s emotions.

But when it comes to honest misunderstandings, we don’t have to work that hard.

“God doesn’t ask us to make every relationship in our lives work just on our own,” Dr. Popcak reminded Ruth. “We want to be around people who can be healthy around us and be healthy for us.”

Even God Deals with Rejection

Even God, who is perfect love, doesn’t force people into relationship with him, Lisa Popcak pointed out. After all, the Word became flesh, lived among us, and even died for us, and people still rejected him. God allows us our free will because he wants real, authentic relationships—not forced compliance.

We’re called to follow his example: extend the invitation to relationship and let others choose to accept it or not. We can’t expect to control every relationship outcome, no matter how perfectly we behave or how clearly we explain ourselves.

Offer Relationship, Respect Freedom

The Popcaks recommended that both Ruth and Patricia simply state the facts clearly and let the other person choose their response.

For Ruth, this meant saying something straightforward: “Look, we don’t have unlimited amounts of money, so we restricted the wedding to those people that we were closest to. Nobody got to bring a plus one. It was purely a monetary decision. I care about you and want to be your friend. If you’re open to that, wonderful—we can build our friendship. If not, it saddens me, but I’ll accept your decision.”

In Patricia’s situation, the Popcaks pointed out that her fellow parishioner failed to practice the Christian obligation of charitable interpretation. When someone hurts us, our first response should be to assume good intentions and seek clarification. That doesn’t mean ignoring offenses or bad behavior; it simply means giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t deliberately trying to cause hurt or offense.

Patricia’s friend should have come to her and asked what was up, Dr. Popcak said. When Patricia clarified that it was all a misunderstanding, her friend should have accepted that explanation.

Patricia had fulfilled her Christian obligation by acknowledging her mistake and clarifying her intentions. Her friend’s continued anger was her friend’s choice—not Patricia’s responsibility to fix.

The Freedom of Doing Your Part

Both Ruth and Patricia had already fulfilled their Christian obligations to love and seek peace. The rest was up to their friends.

Realizing that maintaining relationships isn’t our sole responsibility brings tremendous freedom—the freedom to love without condition while maintaining healthy boundaries, to seek peace without compromising truth, and to trust God with outcomes beyond our control.

For more help with relationship problems, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for more one-on-one guidance, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.