Family Conflict Doesn’t Have to Be Ugly. Here’s How to Reframe It.

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On a scale of one to five, how would you rate the way your family handles conflict?

If you’re looking for a benchmark, here are a few to consider: In the end, does conflict tend to bring the people involved closer together, or does it tend to push them farther apart? Put another way, do the people involved feel more secure in their relationship because of the way it’s handled or less secure?

If you feel like the way your family handles conflict is less than ideal, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have good news for you: the way your family of origin handled conflict doesn’t have to be the way your family handles it now.

“Whatever your experience of conflict in your family of origin was doesn’t have to be the experience of conflict in the family that you’re raising,” Dr. Popcak said on a recent episode of the CatholicHŌM podcast.

Conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships for the simple reason that different people have different wants and needs, and sometimes those differences bump up against each other.

So, family conflict is inevitable. But unhealthy family conflict that leaves people hurt and relationships strained isn’t inevitable at all.

Unhealthy Conflict Wears Two Faces

Most of us continue to operate out of the lessons we learned about conflict (and other aspects of relationships) as kids. If conflict was handled poorly in our family of origin, that’s likely to shape our strategy for handing conflict in adulthood, the Popcaks said.

St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body offers a helpful lens here. Sin, he taught, disrupted the communion God intended between people—the free, mutual gift of self that marriage and family are meant to embody. In its place crept two distortions: domination, where one person tries to control the other, or a kind of fearful appeasement, where one person abandons their own voice just to keep the peace.

A “winners and losers” approach to conflict that features raised voices, slammed doors, or icy silence doesn’t, in the long run, strengthen family relationships. But neither does an approach that attempts to avoid conflict through appeasement.

In parenting, this second unhealthy way of handling conflict often shows up in parents who, instead of guiding kids from a place of calm authority, parent from anxiety, desperate to prove they’re doing it right and terrified of losing their child’s affection.

The irony, Lisa explained, is that this approach backfires. “When we parent from a place of, ‘please love me, please love me, please let me know that I’m a good parent,’ we cause even more dysregulation in our children,” she said.

Kids don’t want a parent who’s afraid of them, even when their behavior suggests otherwise. They want a mom or dad who can stay steady through their frustration and help them manage those feelings in a healthy way, Lisa said.

Four Tips for Healthier Family Conflict

If your family of origin didn’t model healthy conflict, spend some time thinking about the virtues you’re aiming for, Dr. Popcak suggested: “How do we approach disagreements in a way that’s loving, in a way that’s kind, in a way that’s supportive?” he asked. “How do we deal with differences in a way that’s curious as opposed to defensive?”

Here are four strategies they recommend for changing moments of conflict into something that actually builds your family up rather than pulling it apart. These strategies are especially appropriate for handling conflict between you and your kids.

1. Choose your guiding virtues

Before the next conflict arises, pray about who God is calling each of your children to be, and let that vision guide you.

“I’m going to take some time and pray about who I think God’s calling this particular child to be, what virtues I want them to live by,” Lisa said. Naming those virtues—kindness, self-control, courage—gives you something steadier to stand on than your in-the-moment feelings.

This reframes conflict from a threat to manage into an opportunity to teach. As Lisa put it, naming these virtues in prayer becomes “your guiding star, rather than how you’re feeling in the moment.”

2. Stop unsafe behavior first, talk later

If your child is in a full meltdown, hitting, or saying hurtful things, the first job is to calmly stop the behavior, not analyze it.

“You stop everything and you’re just saying, ‘I love you. I know you have a need right now, but this behavior is unacceptable and it’s going to stop now.’”

Depending on circumstances, you might help them calm down by holding them in a warm embrace on your lap or having them stay somewhere in your line of sight to calm down on their own. With adults or older kids, this might mean taking a cool-down break with the intention of reconvening once everyone’s emotional temperature has settled down from a nine or a ten to a level that makes productive problem-solving possible.

Only once everyone is calm does the conversation about needs and solutions begin.

3. Get curious about what’s really going on

In any conflict, curiosity about what the other person is trying to achieve is a good starting point, and that’s especially true with younger kids.

Behind almost every frustrating thing your child does is a need they don’t yet know how to express well. Instead of assuming they’re trying to manipulate or attack you, ask what they were really trying to accomplish. Dr. Popcak suggests asking: “What were you trying to do, and how can we work together so that the next time you can get what you’re looking for in a way that works for me too?”

In the conversation that follows, the focus is on problem solving. The parent helps the kid identify what their need or want was (“I wanted to keep playing,” “I was hungry,” etc.), why their chosen strategy isn’t a good way to solve their problem, and alternate strategies that might actually work the next time the situation comes up.

4. Don’t overthink it with little ones

With younger children, resist the urge to interrogate them about their motives. They often don’t know what they want—they just know they’re frustrated.

Dr. Popcak suggests simply naming the feeling for them and modeling the words: “I’m really frustrated. I didn’t want to have to do that.” A short, calm acknowledgment, followed by gentle encouragement, does more good than a drawn-out conversation a small child isn’t equipped to have.

Yes, Conflict Can Bring Us Closer

The bottom line: Healthy family conflict isn’t about trying to “win” or avoid uncomfortable feelings. Instead, it’s about adopting a curious, cooperative, problem-solving posture: We may want different things here, but we’re in this together, and we’re going to work to find a healthy resolution.

In a parenting context, this attitude shifts the goal from “winning” (forcing the behavior we want to see) toward teaching our kids effective, healthy strategies for meeting their wants and needs.

If you’d like to keep talking through what healthy conflict can look like in your family, join other parents and pastoral counselors in the discussions and coaching section on the app at CatholicHŌM. And for more parenting tips, check out Parenting Your Kids with Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace available at CatholicCounselors.com.

Both of these titles are now available on Audible!

Naming Your Needs Isn’t Selfish; It’s Loving. Here’s What to Do.

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Interpersonal conflict is tricky enough to navigate in any setting, but when it happens at your parish, it can be extra stressful.

That’s what happened to Maria. For two years, another woman on a volunteer committee had been the self-appointed boss of everything. She assigned tasks without being asked and changed plans other people had already agreed on. If anyone pushed back, she’d get tearful.

Maria — and everyone else — went along with her to avoid the drama. But then the woman mapped out the committee’s entire summer program without input from anyone else, presenting it as a done deal.

That’s when Maria realized she’d run out of patience.

“I realized I was angry, not just about the schedule, but about the fact that I’ve been swallowing this for two years,” she said in an email to Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s More2Life radio program. “I want to handle this the right way. But I honestly don’t know what that looks like when the person seems to genuinely believe they’re doing a good thing. How do I address this without being the one who caused a problem at church?”

The answer to that question, according to the Popcaks, begins with recognizing that setting healthy boundaries with difficult people isn’t “selfish,” but often the most loving thing to do.

Your Needs Matter, Too

Demanding people tend to get their way because they know how to make you feel guilty about saying “no.” In a church context, that strategy can get a boost from the idea that saying “no” is selfish and therefore un-Christian.

But that guilt isn’t the “good guilt” that helps us get back on track when we sin.

“That guilt isn’t coming from the Holy Spirit,” Lisa said. “It’s the enemy’s voice, whispering that your needs don’t matter as much as theirs.”

The truth is, your needs, your time, your emotional energy all have value because you have value, Lisa continued: “Protecting those things is not selfish. It’s how you stay healthy enough to keep loving well.”

Some Christians might object that Jesus called us to “take up our cross” in imitation of him. That kind of sacrificial love has its time and place; sometimes, love requires sacrificing our own needs and priorities. Think, for instance, of the parent who gets up in the middle of the night to care for a sick child.

But acquiescing to others isn’t always the best way to love them. Yes, Jesus’ sacrifice is the ultimate expression of his love for us. But on countless occasions, he pushed back on people for their own good: the scribes and Pharisees, but also Peter and other of his closest disciples.

The Popcaks point to Galatians 6:2 as a good reminder of what responsible love looks like: “Bear one another’s burdens.” Notice, Lisa pointed out, that St. Paul says we are to bear “one another’s” burdens — not “everyone’s” burdens. Mutual self-giving is the key.

Three Ways to Respond to a Demanding Person

So what should someone in Maria’s position do? Here’s what Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak recommend.

1. Ask whether this is actually a hill worth climbing

Before you do anything else, step back and ask: Is this person demanding something truly unreasonable — or just annoying?

If what they’re pushing is genuinely good for the relationship or the project and doesn’t really cost you much, the wisest move may be to simply do it.

“This is one of those times where offering it up — the old Catholic practice — might actually be a good thing,” Greg said. Not every demand deserves a confrontation, and not every irritating request is worth the energy it would take to resist it.

But if the person’s demand harms your well-being or undermines the good of the project or group, pushing back might be the best way to go.

2. Name what you need — calmly and clearly

Once you’ve read the situation, put your needs on the table. Not as an accusation or a demand — just as information.

In the context of Maria’s committee, Greg and Lisa suggested leading with gratitude before raising the question. Something like: “Thank you so much for all the work you put into this. Let’s take some time for everyone to look it over, and then we can see what works for the group.”

In a one-on-one situation, Greg recommends being direct but low-key: “Hey, I want to make sure we make room for what’s important to me and my family.” State it plainly and see what happens.

3. Use the ‘qualified yes’

If the person pushes back, consider offering a “qualified yes”: “I could do this, but I can’t do that.” Offer what you genuinely can, name what you can’t — clearly, and without apology.

And if they won’t accept even that? Greg’s counsel is simple: let the consequences play out naturally. Say, for instance, that you’re being asked to bring potato salad to the potluck, but for some reason you can’t do that. After clearly communicating that you won’t be able to bring the potato salad (or run the parish festival, or round up prizes for the raffle, or lead the fourth-grade vacation bible school…), simply let the cards fall where they may.

“You’re not being petty,” Greg said. “You’re not being mean. You’re not creating drama. You just didn’t do the thing you couldn’t do.”

Most situations don’t require dramatic confrontation. “Only if they are adamantly refusing to be a virtuous person do we have to escalate in any way, shape or form,” Lisa says. A calm, consistent pattern of naming your needs — held with warmth and without drama — is usually enough to shift the dynamic over time.

Naming Your Needs Is Good for Everyone

We don’t know how Maria’s situation played out, but we can imagine. If she followed the steps outlined by the Popcaks, then she didn’t need to cause a scene or demand a full restructuring of the committee.

She could simply begin saying, with grace and gratitude, what she could and couldn’t do. Gradually, other committee members might see a way to name their needs, too. Hopefully, the end result would be more honesty, more mutual support, and more room for people to share their ideas and talents.

That’s not a bad thing for anyone; even for the self-appointed “boss,” the end result is a richer, more fulfilling volunteer experience.

For more help navigating difficult relationships, reach out to the team of professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. You might also find Dr. Greg’s book God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! a practical companion for the work ahead.

Surprise, Surprise! How to Handle the Unexpected with Grace

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Gina’s mother-in-law had never been kind to her or to her four teenagers during the eighteen years that Gina and her husband had been married. In fact, she’d been downright cold, critical, and antagonistic.

Now, she wanted to move in with the family.

Gina’s husband explained that his mother thought the arrangement would be a win-win: she would get the support she needed after her husband’s death, and the family would benefit from her financial contribution.

“I’m panicking and don’t know what to do,” Gina wrote in a note to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. Her husband had told her to “sit with it” until the weekend, when they would discuss it.

Most of us can identify with Gina’s panic. When life throws the unexpected at us, suddenly we’re flooded, reactive, grasping for solid ground. That can be true whether the surprise is painful (a medical diagnosis, a job loss, a relationship that ruptures without warning, a family member’s bad choices) or more positive (your son’s engagement, an unexpected pregnancy, a child accepted to a college halfway across the country).

Good or bad, the ball is now in our court, and we have to decide how we will respond.

Why Unexpected Change Hijacks Us

In that recent episode of More2Life, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak explored why sudden change is so hard to handle — and what Catholics can do about it.

The problem starts in the body. “Anytime something sudden and unexpected happens, we go into that headspace where we’re the antelope and we have to outrun the lion,” Lisa Popcak explained. “We get flooded with all these panic chemicals that are supposed to help us survive.”

In a genuine emergency, that flood of adrenaline is exactly what we need. But in human relationships, those chemicals can be more of a problem than a help. We get snarly and snappy with people in our family, or we make sudden, panic-driven decisions instead of prayerful, thought-out decisions.

“That’s part of the human experience,” Lisa continued. “But as Catholics, we have a host of resources. We can do things differently in ways that can help us and connect us to our best self, to God, and to the people who care about us.”

God Doesn’t Send Chaos, but Redeems It

The Popcaks explained that instead of responding to stressful surprises reactively, God calls us to respond with receptivity.

When we are reactive, we let those stress hormones and our internal “scripts” drive our response.

Receptivity, by contrast, involves an active openness to God’s grace and guidance, especially in difficult moments. You might feel panicked, but when you choose to be receptive, you pause that panic reaction long enough to ask God what he wants you to do next.

In order to be receptive to God in such a stressful moment, we need to trust that he has our back. The Popcaks offered Proverbs 19:21 as a touchstone for that trust: “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

This verse is often associated with the popular sentiment that “everything happens for a reason,” implying that God is somehow the author of our troubles.

“Bad things especially don’t ‘happen for a reason,’” Dr. Popcak said. “Bad things happen because we live in an evil world, and evil is chaos.”

But that’s not the end of the story. “We need to remember that God is working to restore the perfect order he created at the beginning of time,” Dr. Popcak said. “What we’re going through isn’t meaningless. Even in the middle of difficult times, God wants to show us how to respond to what we’re going through in a way that helps us to become the people he created us to be, and to work for the good of those around us.”

Three Steps Toward Handling Surprises with Grace

So how, practically, do we move from panic to prayerful receptivity? The Popcaks offered these three steps.

1. Pause for prayer

First, try praying for God’s guidance: “Lord, how can we respond to this situation in a way that will glorify you, help me be my best self, and bring out the best in the people around me?”

Notice what this prayer does not ask for: the outcome we want, the vindication we feel we deserve, or a quick exit from the discomfort. It asks for grace to respond well—which shifts the center of gravity from our anxiety to God’s wisdom.

“That prayer is critical, and that should be at the tip of your tongue all the time while you’re going through something,” Dr. Popcak said, “because that’s how we extend our hand to God, so that he can take that hand and walk us through the challenge.”

2. Identify the goal God is placing on your heart

Once you’ve brought the situation to God, the next step is to listen for a direction — even an incomplete one.

“As we listen in prayer, we need to identify the goal that God is placing on our heart,” Dr. Popcak explained.

We may not immediately be sure what that goal looks like in our specific situation. Still, we need to stay attuned to the template God provides us in his plan of salvation.

3. Practice receptivity every day

Finally, while we wait for the bigger picture to become clear, Dr. Popcak says we need a third question to pray through daily: “Lord, how can I address the things that are in front of me today in a manner that leads to more meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue?”

In this prayer, we ask God to show us one small step we can take towards the realization of his plan for us. We don’t need to have the full picture in place before acting in faith. We just need to let God lead us to take the next step.

From Panic to Peace

For Gina, moving from panic to prayerful receptivity might reveal options beyond the binary choice of saying “yes” or “no” to her desire to move in with the family.

Instead, Dr. Popcak suggested it might mean having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with her mother-in-law, one that names the core concern (a sour relationship is unlikely to improve in closer quarters) in a charitable way. Rather than regarding that honesty as a rejection, it might actually open the door to other, more realistic possibilities for healing and re-building the relationship while taking care of everyone’s needs.

“This is about you making the decisions prayerfully and intentionally with your husband about what’s going to help you all be your best, including your mother-in-law,” he advised.

Whatever your own “unexpected surprise” looks like, responding with a heart that is receptive to God’s plan will lead you from panic to peace.

For a deeper dive into finding God’s purpose when life takes an unexpected turn, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, The Life God Wants You to Have: Discovering the Divine Plan When Human Plans Fail. And for more one-on-one support in handling life’s unexpected challenges with confidence and grace, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Got a Grinch in Your Life? Take Your Cue from a Who

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Everyone knows the classic story of the Grinch, the green, cave-dwelling misanthrope who spent his days hating the noise and joy of the holidays. He comes sledding into Whoville, determined to ruin Christmas and make all the Whos cry “boo-hoo.”

It’s a heartwarming holiday story…until, that is, you encounter your own personal “Grinch.”

Oh, he or she may not be green or carry a grudge against Christmas. Instead, this particular Grinch may show up as the family member whose irritability makes everyone walk around on eggshells, the coworker whose chronic pessimism and negativity drain everyone else, or the moody, passive-aggressive kid on your couch.

These Grinches leave us feeling heavy, tense, and insecure as their emotional storm clouds fill the room. We might find ourselves mirroring their mood as a defense mechanism.

But as pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac shared on a recent episode of the More2Life radio show, a better approach might be the one modeled by the Whos of Whoville.

Why We Tend to Mirror Our Grinches

During a recent episode of More2Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac explained that when someone around us is being a Grinch, our natural instinct is to absorb that energy.

“Our nervous system just mirrors what it sees, and our thoughts start spinning, and our confidence dips, and we kind of start shrinking ourselves or bracing ourselves,” Rachael said.

This defensive posture isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s actually a biological response. God wired human brains with “mirror neurons” that are designed to help us empathize with others, which is normally a good thing. But those same mirror neurons can also cause us to reflexively mimic the stress of a hostile person.

The trick, according to Rachael, is to realize what’s going on and take control of the situation.

“Don’t match the mood. Manage your own,” she said.

That simple statement shifts everything. Instead of asking, “How do I get them to stop?”—which leaves us feeling powerless—we can ask, as Dr. Popcak put it, “How can I get myself to a better place so that I can deal with them intentionally rather than just reacting to them?”

Manage Your Own Mood in Four Steps

At the heart of staying steady, Rachael said, is the “internal boundary.” Unlike an external boundary, which might involve leaving a room, an internal boundary is a mental filter. It allows us to acknowledge someone else’s pain or anger without letting it enter our own hearts.

Here are four practical steps for maintaining your calm and protecting your peace when the Grinch comes calling.

1. Pause and name what is happening

Start with pausing to remind yourself that as heavy as the other person’s energy feels, it’s their mood, not yours. As Rachael put it, “this is their feeling, not a reflection of my worth, my competence, or my responsibility to fix it.”

When we stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s happiness, we are free to act out of our own values. We can find our peace in who God created us to be, rather than getting sucked into the storm someone else is projecting.

2. Ground yourself in your body

Hostility triggers a “fight or flight” response that makes us physically tense. Before you respond to a grumpy comment, check your body.

“We want to ground ourselves and our body before we respond,” Rachael said. “So take a second to unclench your jaw. Drop your shoulders. Take that deep breath. Because in that moment, our calm can become our anchor.”

Send up a quick prayer for God to send you grace and strength.

3. Choose your tone intentionally

It is incredibly easy to “inherit” the tone of a difficult person. If they are snappy, we become snappy. However, emotional maturity means choosing our own response.

“We can respond with a steady and neutral energy,” Rachael said. “And that’s not us being fake in that moment. It’s us being intentional.”

By keeping your tone steady, you prevent the conflict from escalating and maintain your own dignity.

4. Maintain the internal boundary

Remind yourself that you can be kind without being a sponge. Say to yourself, “I can stay compassionate without carrying their mood.”

This allows you to remain present and even helpful to the person who is struggling, but you do so from a position of strength rather than insecurity. You are no longer “walking on eggshells”; you are standing on solid ground.

When you maintain your calm, you actually elevate the entire interaction. People feel safer around someone who is regulated and steady. As Rachael points out, “You protect your peace, and you stay in line with your values instead of being pulled into someone else’s storm. And that stability is really our strength.”

Take Your Cue From a Who

Like the Whos in Whoville, you can choose joy and peace even when someone else brings the Grinch energy. You can be the steady light in the room, reflecting the stability and grace that God offers us all.

For more help with managing difficult relationships or performing your best under pressure, reach out to Rachael Isaac or the team of pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Feeling Stuck? Try These Simple Steps to Make a Positive Change in Your Life

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If you’ve ever felt stuck—spiritually, emotionally, or relationally—you’re not alone. Consider these real-life situations described by callers to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak:

  • Mary is a mother of four young kids whose husband checks out every evening to watch TV. She feels unseen, overworked, and alone—but he still expects emotional and physical closeness at the end of the day. “I have no idea where to begin,” she said.
  • Desiree is the mom of an 18-year-old who’s angry, withdrawn, and has completely rejected his faith. After years of therapy and support, he refuses to get help. “We really feel like we’ve exhausted our resources,” she admitted.
  • Diane is a caregiver for her adult autistic son. She fights every week just to make sure support staff do their jobs. “I just want to wake up and know that everything is in place,” she said. “But I feel like I have to micromanage everything.”

While each of these situations is very different from the others, the Popcaks offer five basic principles when things absolutely, positively need to change. Here is what they advised callers on two recent episodes of the More2Life show.

1. Pray with Poverty of Spirit

The first step is learning to bring your challenge to God—not with the attitude that you already know what needs to happen, but with the humility of a child.

“When responding to a frustrating situation,” Lisa Popcak said, “we have to cultivate the mindset that we don’t know anything, especially when we think we do. Instead, we need to ask God to teach us as if we were children who were experiencing this situation for the very first time. That’s the poverty of spirit that allows God to lead us to the changes he wants to make in our lives.”

When you feel like you’re not getting traction no matter what you do, try praying in words similar to these: Lord, show me how to see this through your eyes. Teach me what to do next.

God’s grace is abundant, but we only experience it fully when we stop trying to control everything and start asking to be led.

2. Name What You Do Want

Often, we spend more time complaining about what we don’t want than identifying what we’re actually aiming for. But clarity is essential.

Dr. Popcak put it like this: “Making good change begins with having an idea of what you really want to have come out of a situation—not just what you don’t want.”

Mary knew she didn’t want to keep going like this—doing everything herself while her husband tuned out. But what did she want instead? A partnership. Shared parenting. Time to connect emotionally and spiritually. Once she could name those desires, she was ready to have a calm, constructive conversation about what needed to change.

Whether you’re struggling with your marriage, your parenting, or your own inner critic, identifying your desired outcome is a powerful way to begin.

3. Make a Plan—Even a Small One

God can do miracles, but most change happens step-by-step. Once you know what you’re aiming for, make a simple, specific plan to move in that direction.

In Mary’s case, the Popcaks recommended creating rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together as a couple and family. That might mean planning one family game night a week, praying a decade of the Rosary together before bed, or setting aside 10 minutes to talk after dinner.

Diane, meanwhile, was facing an overwhelming system. But even then, she could take note of small successes.

“Start tracking times when things do work,” Dr. Popcak advised. By identifying times when her son’s care staff successfully followed through, she could work with them to figure out what factors need to be in place to replicate that success elsewhere. “You’re looking for the little changes that make the difference and trying to identify what are the things that happen to make it possible.”

These small patterns could become the basis for new routines and better advocacy.

4. Accept Support

You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t.

God often answers our prayers through the people he places in our lives: spouses, counselors, friends, pastors. As the Popcaks often remind callers, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a way to invite grace into your life.

Desiree and her husband had walked through years of pain with their daughter’s addiction, and now their son’s spiral. But they were still trying to hold it all together on their own. “Even if your son won’t get help,” Dr. Popcak said, “you and your husband need to be seeking that help to figure out how to set appropriate boundaries with him.”

The Church reminds us that God chose to save us not as individuals, but as part of a community. What is true of our eternal salvation can also be true of the challenges we face along the way.

5. Wait Actively

When you’re trying to change, it’s easy to feel discouraged when things don’t happen quickly. But grace often works slowly—and invisibly.

Bill Donaghy, a senior lecturer at the Theology of the Body Institute and a frequent guest on More2Life, points to the words of St. John Paul II regarding change: “If an ear is to grow or a flower blossom, there are times which cannot be forced. For the birth of a human being, nine months are required. To write a book or a worthy piece of music, years must often be spent in patient searching. This is also the law of the Spirit. To encounter the mystery takes patience, purification, silence, waiting.”

This kind of waiting isn’t passive. It’s “active receptivity,” Donaghy explained—continuing to water the soil, even if you don’t yet see the fruit.

Whether you’re navigating your child’s crisis, a long-suffering marriage, or a broken system, don’t confuse silence with absence. Keep praying. Keep working. Keep showing up. God is not done yet.

Real Change Is Possible

Real change is possible—but it doesn’t start with a dramatic leap. It starts with a small, prayerful step in a new direction.

If you’re not sure what to do next, begin with these questions:

  • Have I invited God into this situation today?
  • Can I name what I do want—not just what I want to stop?
  • What small plan can I make this week?
  • Who might help me take the next step?
  • Can I be patient while God works behind the scenes?

For more one-on-one help making a positive change in your life, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com, or tune in to the More2Life show on your favorite radio station or streaming platform.

How to Defuse Conflict by Asking the Right Questions

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Conflict is inevitable, but hurtful conflict is not. As Dr. Greg Popcak explains in God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, there are ways to handle conflict effectively—and compassionately.

If you read our last post on this topic, then you probably already know the first step in compassionate conflict resolution. Instead of writing someone off as toxic or irrational, ask, “What are they really trying to do?” That small act of curiosity can be a powerful way to break the cycle of conflict and begin to understand difficult people in your life.

But what if the answer isn’t obvious? What if someone’s behavior is hurtful, irrational, or even aggressive—and you genuinely can’t figure out what they’re hoping to accomplish?

In God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, Dr. Popcak offers two ways of uncovering the hidden, often positive intention behind someone’s obnoxious behavior—tools that can transform frustration into empathy, opening the door to healing.

The Direct Approach: Just Ask

The first approach is pretty simple: if you want to know why someone is acting a certain way, try asking them.

But in practice, most of us don’t ask—we accuse. Think about the last time someone rubbed you the wrong way. Your internal dialogue probably sounded something like:

  •  “Why are you always such a jerk?”
  •  “I can’t believe you said that to me!”
  •  “What is wrong with you?”

These reactions are natural—but not helpful. They shut down the possibility of connection and push the other person into a defensive crouch.

Instead, Dr. Popcak suggests a three-part clarifying question:

  1. Describe the behavior factually. Say what happened without judgment or exaggeration. For example:
     “When you slammed the door…”
  2. Share how it affected you. Let them know what you felt or how you interpreted the behavior:
     “…I felt like you were angry that I asked for your help.”
  3. Give the benefit of the doubt—and ask. This is the turning point:
     “…but I don’t think that’s what you meant to do. Can you tell me what was really going on?”

This kind of question is disarming because it’s respectful and assumes good intent—even when the behavior is hard to take. It’s a firm but gentle way of saying, “This didn’t sit right with me, but I’m willing to believe there’s more to the story.”

The Indirect Approach: Follow the Money

Of course, not everyone can clearly articulate what they’re trying to accomplish. Some people lack the self-awareness to explain their motives. Others—children, teens, emotionally immature adults—may not even recognize them. That’s where the indirect approach comes in.

Dr. Popcak calls it “following the money.” In other words, observe what benefit a person gains from their behavior. If that’s not obvious, look at what happens immediately afterward.

For example:

  • A child throws a tantrum. The goal might not be to get a toy—it could be a bid for attention, closeness, or even space.
  • A teen keeps getting grounded. Maybe that’s their way of avoiding risky social situations while saving face with peers—or a cry for more time with distracted parents.
  • A boss who yells might be trying—ineffectively—to inspire urgency and motivation.

Dr. Popcak shares how one of his clients, Anna, worked for a doctor known for his temper. His shouting stressed out the staff, but Popcak helped Anna recognize that the doctor’s real goal was to get people to respond quickly and correctly. Instead of reacting with fear, Anna calmly said, “Doctor, I’d be happy to help you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d ask me respectfully. ‘Please’ usually works.” To her surprise, he listened—and their relationship began to shift.

By recognizing the intention, Anna was able to respond not to the outburst but to the need behind it—and offer a healthier alternative.

When You See the Intention, You Can Make a Change

Once you’ve identified the underlying motive—whether through a clarifying question or by “following the money”—you’re in a better position to create change. In the book, Popcak introduces the P-E-A-C-E process, which are five steps for transforming toxic interactions into more respectful, healing relationships.

We’ll explore that process more fully in a future post, but the first step is always the same: stop treating the other person like an enemy, and start treating them like a fellow struggler—someone who, like you, is doing their best to get their needs met, even if they’re doing it badly.

Conflict Is a Doorway

It takes courage to stop reacting and start listening. But when we learn to ask better questions and seek deeper understanding, conflict can become a doorway—not to defeat, but to healing.

As Dr. Popcak writes, “The person is never the problem. The problem is the problem.” Learning to see the difference is what love looks like in the real world.

For more practical tools like the P-E-A-C-E process and real-life stories of transformation, pick up a copy of God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! by Dr. Greg Popcak. Or, if you’re looking for personalized support, connect with a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.