The 3 Basic Triggers for Your Child’s Meltdowns and Tantrums (and What You Can Do to Help)

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Handling meltdowns and tantrums in young children is one of the most popular topics on the CatholicHOM parenting discussion boards. While each situation is unique, the solution to these behaviors often follows the same basic set of principles, says Jacob Francisco, a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. With these principles in mind, parents can effectively address tantrums and meltdowns on their own most of the time.

What’s Your Mindset?

You can’t control your child’s behavior, at least not directly. But you can control your own response to that behavior, so checking your mindset is a good place to begin.

Many parents mistakenly believe that their child intentionally chooses to melt down or throw a tantrum as a deliberate tactic to get their way. In fact, young children—especially those under age five—have very little control over their emotions.

“Kids really don’t have as much ability to regulate their emotions as we think that they do,” Francisco says. “It’s just brain neurology. They just don’t have enough of their cortex formed yet to be able to do that consistently or under any level of pressure.”

As children get past age five, they begin to develop better self-regulation—but they still need coaching, Francisco says.

Realizing that our children aren’t intentionally trying to drive us crazy helps to reframe the whole situation. Instead of viewing it as an antagonistic, me-against-them scenario, it’s more like teaching your child how to play catch—an analogy frequently used by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak in their Parenting with Grace books.

“When you’re playing catch with a five-year-old, your goal is to pass the ball back and forth without dropping it. You’re not trying to make them fail or challenge them too much—you’re just helping them learn,” Francisco explains.

Just as children need time and coaching to learn physical skills, they also need time and coaching to learn how to manage their emotions. Having a meltdown is like “dropping the ball” emotionally.

If you’re playing catch with your child and he drops the ball, how would you react?

“I’m not going to go over there and use harsh discipline, I’m not going to just give up or throw my glove down and be like, ‘Fine, we’re not going to play, then, if you can’t behave right.’ That’s not going to solve the issue,” Francisco says.

Instead, parents should approach tantrums and meltdowns with empathy and the desire to help. Just like playing catch, you’re really on the same team—and that is what you want to convey to your child.

What’s Really Going On Here?

With that mindset in place, the way to address meltdowns is by doing a little detective work. Rather than focusing on the tantrum itself, look for the underlying cause of the tantrum. In general, the cause will fall into one of three categories, Francisco says.

1. Basic Needs. First, consider whether your child’s basic needs are the issue. “Are they hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or sick? Any one of these factors can spark a tantrum over something that seems inconsequential to adults,” Francisco explains. For example, a child who is overtired might burst into tears over a minor frustration, such as spilling her snack.

 

2. Emotional Overload. Second, assess whether your child might be overwhelmed by their emotions. Children have a low threshold for difficult feelings, and even small events can trigger big reactions.

 

3. Underdeveloped Coping Skills.  Finally, consider whether your child simply doesn’t know how to respond appropriately to a particular problem, or doesn’t know how to apply an existing skill to the problem at hand. “This is where, as parents, we often have the thought, ‘You know what to do. You already know how to deal with this situation.’ We’ve all had that thought, and it’s not as true as we think it is,” Francisco says. “When some sort of disconnect is happening in their little child brain that’s still growing, still forming all of these connections and skills, in any given moment, they might not be able to make the connection to the skill that you’ve already worked on a dozen times. As frustrating as it is, they need another coaching session.”

Once you have identified the likely cause of the tantrum (basic need, big emotions, underdeveloped skills), then the next step is to help them address that problem “as patiently and gently as humanly possible,” Francisco says.

Figuring out the root cause of the tantrum may take some trial and error, but it is far more effective in the short term than responding with yelling or punishment. And in the long term, it teaches your child that they can turn to you for help when they most need it, a habit that will pay dividends even as they grow into young adulthood.

Some Tips for Helping Kids Regulate Their Emotions

Unfortunately, there is no way to “solve” the problem of meltdowns overnight. Gradually, though, they will decrease in frequency and intensity as your child’s brain develops and as she acquires more self-regulation skills. The good news is that you can speed up the process a little.

“We want to be teaching our kids, even when they’re only slightly upset, that the first order of business in solving a problem is staying calm or becoming calm,” Francisco says. “So maybe that means we’re teaching our kids when they’re about to start crying to try to take some deep breaths, and we do it with them. Maybe that means we have a little game that we play with them, like I Spy; it gets them interacting with their environment, and it’s something that is fun for them. Or maybe you’ve got a little one who likes ‘Patty Cake’ and you see the tears are about to come: ‘Hey, let’s play patty cake!’ Now you’ve got that sensory touch to help them. A hug can do a world of good, too.”

Many of these techniques are about teaching kids how to use their body as the first means of regulating their emotions, he says.

Walking away from a child who consistently refuses your help might be the best strategy for children over age five, as long as you do so in a way that maintains a positive, helpful approach.

Tell the child that you’re going to step away for a few minutes—one or two, not an extended period of time—while they work on calming down. Check back every so often, asking whether they are calm enough to talk or to let you help them get even more calmed down.

And if you’re feeling on the verge of having your own adult-style tantrum, then you can model self-regulation by stepping away, telling your child what you are doing: “I’m getting really frustrated right now. I’m going to be back in two minutes. I need to calm myself down.”

It’s Going to Get Better

Dealing with tantrums can be exhausting, but Francisco has words of reassurance for parents: It’s going to get better. Returning to the analogy of the game of catch, the most important thing is to keep the ball going—in other words, to maintain that connected, healthy parent-child relationship.

“We want to have a relationship with our kids as they get older, so we don’t want to get bogged down each time our kid drops the ball or has a hard time catching it,” he says. “They will get better. The game will get more fun. It’s not always going to be what it is right now, so enjoy the time, even the hard times, because they will pass.”

For more help with this or other parenting problems, reach out to one of the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com, or join the CatholicHOM community.

Everything You’ve Been Told About Raising Faithful Catholic Kids Is Wrong

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Several times a week, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear from parents whose adult children no longer practice the Catholic faith they were raised in. These callers to the More2Life radio program are devout Catholics who did “all the things” to pass the faith along to their kids: they sent them to Catholic school or parish-based faith formation, attended Mass every week, and involved their children in youth groups.

Yet despite their best efforts, their children abandoned the faith as adults. Why?

“Everything that parents have been told about raising faithful Catholic kids is wrong,” Dr. Popcak said in a recent conversation with Marcus Peter, host of Ave Maria in the Afternoon, on how parents—and the Church—can better support raising kids who remain faithful into adulthood. Despite the significant investment that churches make in youth ministry and faith formation, research shows that only about 15 percent of Catholic kids continue to practice their faith as adults.

“You know, the Church has this spiritual cancer where we are not going to survive the next few generations if we don’t get this number up,” Dr. Popcak said.

What Matters Most: The Family Transformed by Jesus’ Love

In 2018, Dr. Popcak, founder of both the Pastoral Solutions Institute and the Peyton Institute for Domestic Church Life, partnered with the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) to conduct the Future of Faithful Families Project. This study interviewed adults who had retained their Catholic faith to identify the common factors in their upbringing.

The study found that what mattered most was not the quality of the youth group or Catholic school, or even the family’s weekly Mass attendance. While those things are valuable, they are secondary to the habits and practices within the home, Dr. Popcak said.

“And I don’t just mean the prayers that the family says,” he explained. “I mean that the children need to experience the faith as making a significant difference in the quality of the relationships in the home compared to their less-churched friends’ families.”

Children need to see that their family’s faith influences how they handle challenges, celebrate joys, and navigate everyday life. Even in their imperfections, these families’ grounding in Christ challenges them “to address problems differently, to hang in there with each other, to pray through things, to talk about these things, to draw closer together in difficult times,” Dr. Popcak said.

“Kids need to experience the faith as a source of the warmth in the home,” he added.

Learning about Christ is important, but it is essential that kids experience the love of Christ within the family, he said. A child or teen might memorize the Catechism or attend Bible study, but that catechetical work builds on the foundation of the young person’s lived experience of faith.

“When we take the approach where we treat religion like algebra and just teach kids faith facts, they’re not falling in love with Jesus, right?” Dr. Popcak said. “But what happened in these families (in the study) is the kids experienced for themselves the real difference that living the gospel made in their daily lives as a family, which made it real for them.”

Connection, Affection, and Service

The Future of Faithful Families Project identified several common habits and practices among families who successfully handed on an enduring faith to their kids. Here are some key takeaways:

  • Prioritizing Family Time: Successful families made intentional efforts to spend time together regularly, whether through shared meals, game nights, or simply being present for each other. This emphasis on togetherness allowed faith to be modeled naturally and authentically.
  • Creating Meaningful Family Rituals: These families established daily or weekly rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together. These rituals enabled family members to connect meaningfully with one another and practice the faith in the context of everyday life. Shared work rituals, for example, provided opportunities to experience how loving service and cooperation make work more pleasant and rewarding. They didn’t just pray at mealtimes; they brought God into everyday moments, whether through gratitude, a simple blessing, or turning to prayer during conflicts.
  • Practicing Generous Affection: Participants frequently described their families as “huggy,” highlighting a warm and affectionate atmosphere. From frequent hugs to verbal affirmations, these gestures created a sense of safety and belonging, reinforcing the idea that love is at the heart of faith.
  • Discipleship Discipline: Instead of punitive measures, these parents practiced discipleship discipline focused on teaching good behavior and encouraging virtue. They created structures that supported their children’s growth and helped them understand the “why” behind their actions.
  • Serving Each Other and Others: Families found small ways to serve one another and those around them, demonstrating that faith isn’t just about belief but action. Simple acts of kindness and service were seen as natural extensions of their love for Christ.

These families didn’t treat faith as a subject to be learned; instead, they showed that living the Gospel had a tangible impact on their daily lives, fostering resilience, hope, and a deep sense of connection.

Even in Today’s World, It’s Possible to Raise Faithful Kids

The habits and practices identified by the Future of Faithful Families Project are not a guaranteed formula, and other factors also play a role in young adults’ faith decisions. However, these foundational practices greatly improve the chances that children will grow into adults who experience the warmth of a strong relationship with God.

For parents feeling anxious about raising faithful children in today’s challenging cultural context, the study’s findings provide real hope and a clear path forward.

“The good news of this study is that we have the control, we have the ability to raise faithful kids,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s not about the culture, it’s not about peers, it’s not about the media. It’s about how we live the faith in our home, and the degree to which the faith impacts the way we relate to each other, and the love that we share.”

For those seeking to deepen their family’s faith life, resources like the CatholicHOM app developed by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak can support parents in cultivating these habits and nurturing their children’s faith in meaningful ways.