Instead of Settling, Become Who You Are

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“That’s just not me.” How many times have you said—or thought—that phrase?

We humans have a natural tendency to define ourselves by our limitations. We create identity statements that box us in: “I’m just not an affectionate person,” “I don’t like praying out loud in a group,” or “I’m not comfortable with emotional vulnerability.”

We all have limits, preferences, and patterns we fall back on. Maybe you’ve even named your particular set of strengths and weaknesses with the help of a personality inventory.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak explained in a recent episode of the CatholicHOM podcast, these identity statements are only a starting point, not our final destination. They are helpful to the extent that they point us in the direction of growth.

And that means stepping out of the comfort of our self-defined identity to become the people God calls us to be.

‘Become Who You Are’

“Become who you are.” This simple four-word exhortation of St. John Paul II may seem cryptic at first. How do we “become” who we “are”? A seed might “become” a tree, but a tree doesn’t “become” a tree, after all. But, Dr. Popcak says, St. John Paul II is hinting at a deeper reality.

Whatever we may think of ourselves right now, we are called to become saints—that is, people fully caught up in the love of the Holy Trinity.

“The fact is, we already are those (saints) that we’re trying to become. Theologians like to talk about God as the ‘ground of our being,’” Dr. Popcak explains. “What that phrase means is that the closer we draw to God, the more we become who we really are, because the saints that we are destined to be already exist in God. And the more we draw closer to him, the more that true self, who we really are, is revealed.”

So, while personality inventories or self-reflection might help us understand our identity right now, we are called to move beyond our present selves to claim our true identity, which is already present in God’s heart.

“Our job is to stop settling for what we see when we look in the mirror and instead lean into the person God sees when he looks at us, because that’s who we really are,” Dr. Popcak says.

Everyday Opportunities for Growth

Many of our self-defined limitations stem from past experiences, the Popcaks suggest, often rooted in spiritual or emotional injury. These don’t have to be major traumas—they might be as simple as how we were raised, experiences in school, or even a lack of certain experiences that makes something feel foreign or “not me.”

When we recognize that our limitations often come from wounds or gaps rather than our true nature, we can approach them with greater compassion and curiosity. Instead of defending them as immutable aspects of our identity, we can ask: “What might be possible if I were willing to grow beyond this boundary?”

It is our closest relationships—with spouses, children, siblings, friends—that often present the most powerful invitations to grow beyond our limits, the Popcaks say.

God put these people in our lives, Lisa Popcak says, and it is by responding to their needs that we grow into our true identity. “It is about everything in the household, all of the people trying their best to meet the needs of the other, even when it causes us to stretch and grow,” she says.

She points to the example of St. Joseph, a godly man who listened to God even in his sleep and responded with courage to the needs of the people entrusted to his care. We might not be called to marry an already-pregnant woman, raise the Son of God, or flee to another country to protect our family. But like Joseph, responding to the needs of the people in our life with generosity and good cheer may take us well outside our comfort zone. It might mean being more physically affectionate (even though we weren’t raised that way), drawing healthy boundaries instead of giving in to a friend’s self-destructive behavior, or spending less time at work to spend more time with our family. It might mean trying a support group despite our deep discomfort or working hard to curb our habit of starting the day with a negative attitude. The possibilities are boundless!

It’s a Mutual Thing

The concept of mutuality plays an important role here, the Popcaks say. Within a family, for instance, each person is called to give their whole selves to the others, but at the same time, the other members of the family are called to give their whole selves to that person.

While “mutual self-donation” is the goal, the Popcaks are careful to distinguish between healthy growth and unhealthy accommodation. They offer two important qualifiers.

First, this approach doesn’t apply to requests that are immoral or demeaning. Authentic growth never requires compromising your values or dignity.

And second, responding to others’ needs doesn’t mean abandoning your own. The goal is mutual thriving, not one-sided sacrifice. The key is distinguishing between needs (what enables a person to thrive) and wants (preferences about how and when those needs are met). While we should be open to meeting others’ legitimate needs, we can negotiate the specifics in ways that respect our own needs too.

A Balanced Approach

In the end, becoming who we are isn’t about denying our present limitations; rather, we can acknowledge our current limitations while also being open to growth.

Let’s say, for instance, that your spouse asks whether you could curb your habit of sighing and rolling your eyes when family needs call you away from your favorite pastime. Lisa Popcak suggests that it is perfectly appropriate to say, “That doesn’t come naturally to me, and it will be challenging. I’ll need your patience. But because I love you and want to be the person I’m called to be, I’m going to work on stretching in that way.”

This approach acknowledges both your current limitations and your commitment to growth beyond them. It invites partnership in the process rather than pretending change is easy or instantaneous.

Becoming the saints we were created to be is not about trying harder on our own but growing in relationship. “God wants us to learn to love each other more than we love our comfort zones,” Greg says.

And in that stretching, in that mutual gift of self, we discover the people we were meant to be all along.

You can hear the entire podcast episode (Episode 83, “Become Who You Are”) exclusively on the CatholicHOM app, where you can also discuss family life issues with trained pastoral counselors. And for more individualized help with personal growth, reach out to a pastoral counselor at catholiccounselors.com.

Let’s Talk: How to Start Family Conversations That Matter

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You share meals. You shuttle kids to activities. You say “good night” and “have a good day.” But when was the last time your family really talked—not just about logistics or the weather, but about your hearts, your hopes, and how God is working in your lives?

In the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, talk rituals are intentional moments of conversation that help families grow closer emotionally and spiritually. But many parents find themselves asking how to even start.

Here’s how to begin building meaningful talk rituals in your home, even if your kids don’t naturally open up. The following advice is summarized from Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s HŌM Builder videos and Episode 82 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, “Let’s Talk,” all of which are available on the CatholicHŌM app.

Why Family Conversations Matter

Research shows that only 7% of Catholic families have meaningful conversations about faith. But faith isn’t the only thing we need to talk about. Relationships, teamwork, struggles, joys—these are the topics that knit us together.

When we create space for deeper conversations, we foster emotional connection, strengthen teamwork and mutual support, and create opportunities for faith-sharing and spiritual growth.

And there’s an added bonus: Research shows that kids who develop strong communication skills early in life tend to have healthier adult relationships, better mental and physical well-being, and more professional success. Besides helping kids acquire the skills needed for meaningful, emotionally rich conversations, family talk rituals help model for kids what good conversations look like in the light of Christian faith.

So, talk rituals are more than just “checking in.” They’re opportunities to discover one another, grow as a team, and keep your family rooted in love—God’s love and each other’s.

When to Have Talk Rituals

These conversations don’t just “happen.” You have to plan for them. That means setting aside regular times where meaningful connection can take place.

Here are some ideal opportunities:

  • Family meals: Ask each person to share a high and low from their day. Where did they see God?
  • Evening check-ins: After the chaos of homework and dinner, take 15 minutes to talk about how everyone’s doing and what’s coming up tomorrow.
  • Weekly family meetings: Use this time to discuss family needs, upcoming events, or how you can better support one another. (See the Family Meeting Planner on the CatholicHŌM app for help on this one.)
  • Car rides: Make it the expectation that devices are turned off during car rides so that family members can decompress and reconnect. (You can allow limited device use on longer trips, with parental permission.)
  • One-on-one time: Individual chats help children (especially teens) open up without feeling on the spot. Sometimes, having a shared activity can help teens open up: cooking together, taking a walk, playing basketball, and so on.

Start with one simple practice and build from there. And here’s a tip to make those moments count: Keep a running list of topics you’d like to bring up. That way, when talk time rolls around, you’re not scrambling to think of what to say.

Start with What Your Kids Care About

If your child isn’t eager to talk, you’re not alone. Many parents worry their kids “just don’t like to talk.” But here’s a secret: most kids love to talk when the topic is something they care about—and they feel truly listened to.

Start by entering their world:

  • Ask them to teach you about their favorite game, sport, or YouTuber.
  • Even if it’s not your thing, listen with interest. Ask follow-up questions.
  • Keep the conversation going over time—don’t make it a one-time “project.”
  • Find an article or video related to their hobby and ask them to explain it to you.

These practices model good listening skills and establish rapport with your child, showing that you value them and their ideas. And that, in turn, lays the foundation for deeper conversation.

How Conversations Grow: The 7 Levels of Intimacy

Meaningful conversations don’t start at the deep end. Catholic author Matthew Kelly, in his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy, outlines seven levels of intimacy in relationships. In general, people grow through these levels one step at a time. Think about the level of your family conversations most of the time:

  1. Clichés & Pleasantries: “How are you?” “Fine.”
  2. Facts & Events: “I have math homework.” “We’re going to Grandma’s this weekend.”
  3. Opinions: Likes, dislikes, values, and what matters to each person.
  4. Hopes & Dreams: “I wish we could go to Hawaii.” “Someday I want to be an artist.”
  5. Feelings: “I felt left out today.” “I’m really excited for the sleepover!”
  6. Fears, Faults, and Failures: Moments of vulnerability and requests for help.
  7. Deepest Needs & Goals: Conversations about values, faith, purpose, and spirituality.

It’s tempting to jump straight to level seven—especially when you want to talk about faith or serious issues—but that often backfires, the Popcaks say. Instead, figure out where your family usually operates, and aim to grow just one level deeper. Keep building trust and comfort, and soon those deeper conversations will come naturally.

Establishing Talk Rituals Takes Time and Practice

Be patient with the process. It can take weeks—or even months—of consistently showing up, listening well, and building trust before your child feels ready to engage in deeper conversations. That’s okay. Don’t take it personally if a talk falls flat or your child seems disinterested. Just try again later, when the timing feels right.

When difficult topics arise—such as conflicts, disrespect, or emotional struggles—don’t focus on figuring out who is to blame or how the problem arose; people rarely agree on those facts. Besides, the most important thing is that you both agree that you want to resolve the problem and do better next time. Model a solution-focused approach: “How could we handle that better next time?” or “What could we do differently so we both feel heard?” This kind of problem-solving mindset helps children feel safe and empowered, rather than criticized.

Finally, make your expectations clear but welcoming. Let your family know when talk times will happen and what you hope to talk about, but keep the tone relaxed. The goal isn’t to “have the perfect conversation”—it’s to grow in connection, one step at a time.

Pick one talk ritual—maybe tonight’s dinner or tomorrow’s drive home—and start the habit of really talking. Your family doesn’t need to be perfect. They just need you, your love, and your willingness to connect.

If you need help along the way, remember that you can find more support on the CatholicHŌM app, where you’ll find community support and real-time coaching to help your family grow closer every day.

Let’s Talk: How to Start Family Conversations That Matter

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You share meals. You shuttle kids to activities. You say “good night” and “have a good day.” But when was the last time your family really talked—not just about logistics or the weather, but about your hearts, your hopes, and how God is working in your lives?

In the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, talk rituals are intentional moments of conversation that help families grow closer emotionally and spiritually. But many parents find themselves asking how to even start.

Here’s how to begin building meaningful talk rituals in your home, even if your kids don’t naturally open up. The following advice is summarized from Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s HŌM Builder videos and Episode 82 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, “Let’s Talk,” all of which are available on the CatholicHŌM app.

Why Family Conversations Matter

Research shows that only 7% of Catholic families have meaningful conversations about faith. But faith isn’t the only thing we need to talk about. Relationships, teamwork, struggles, joys—these are the topics that knit us together.

When we create space for deeper conversations, we foster emotional connection, strengthen teamwork and mutual support, and create opportunities for faith-sharing and spiritual growth.

And there’s an added bonus: Research shows that kids who develop strong communication skills early in life tend to have healthier adult relationships, better mental and physical well-being, and more professional success. Besides helping kids acquire the skills needed for meaningful, emotionally rich conversations, family talk rituals help model for kids what good conversations look like in the light of Christian faith.

So, talk rituals are more than just “checking in.” They’re opportunities to discover one another, grow as a team, and keep your family rooted in love—God’s love and each other’s.

When to Have Talk Rituals

These conversations don’t just “happen.” You have to plan for them. That means setting aside regular times where meaningful connection can take place.

Here are some ideal opportunities:

  • Family meals: Ask each person to share a high and low from their day. Where did they see God?
  • Evening check-ins: After the chaos of homework and dinner, take 15 minutes to talk about how everyone’s doing and what’s coming up tomorrow.
  • Weekly family meetings: Use this time to discuss family needs, upcoming events, or how you can better support one another. (See the Family Meeting Planner on the CatholicHŌM app for help on this one.)
  • Car rides: Make it the expectation that devices are turned off during car rides so that family members can decompress and reconnect. (You can allow limited device use on longer trips, with parental permission.)
  • One-on-one time: Individual chats help children (especially teens) open up without feeling on the spot. Sometimes, having a shared activity can help teens open up: cooking together, taking a walk, playing basketball, and so on.

Start with one simple practice and build from there. And here’s a tip to make those moments count: Keep a running list of topics you’d like to bring up. That way, when talk time rolls around, you’re not scrambling to think of what to say.

Start with What Your Kids Care About

If your child isn’t eager to talk, you’re not alone. Many parents worry their kids “just don’t like to talk.” But here’s a secret: most kids love to talk when the topic is something they care about—and they feel truly listened to.

Start by entering their world:

  • Ask them to teach you about their favorite game, sport, or YouTuber.
  • Even if it’s not your thing, listen with interest. Ask follow-up questions.
  • Keep the conversation going over time—don’t make it a one-time “project.”
  • Find an article or video related to their hobby and ask them to explain it to you.

These practices model good listening skills and establish rapport with your child, showing that you value them and their ideas. And that, in turn, lays the foundation for deeper conversation.

How Conversations Grow: The 7 Levels of Intimacy

Meaningful conversations don’t start at the deep end. Catholic author Matthew Kelly, in his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy, outlines seven levels of intimacy in relationships. In general, people grow through these levels one step at a time. Think about the level of your family conversations most of the time:

  1. Clichés & Pleasantries: “How are you?” “Fine.”
  2. Facts & Events: “I have math homework.” “We’re going to Grandma’s this weekend.”
  3. Opinions: Likes, dislikes, values, and what matters to each person.
  4. Hopes & Dreams: “I wish we could go to Hawaii.” “Someday I want to be an artist.”
  5. Feelings: “I felt left out today.” “I’m really excited for the sleepover!”
  6. Fears, Faults, and Failures: Moments of vulnerability and requests for help.
  7. Deepest Needs & Goals: Conversations about values, faith, purpose, and spirituality.

It’s tempting to jump straight to level seven—especially when you want to talk about faith or serious issues—but that often backfires, the Popcaks say. Instead, figure out where your family usually operates, and aim to grow just one level deeper. Keep building trust and comfort, and soon those deeper conversations will come naturally.

Establishing Talk Rituals Takes Time and Practice

Be patient with the process. It can take weeks—or even months—of consistently showing up, listening well, and building trust before your child feels ready to engage in deeper conversations. That’s okay. Don’t take it personally if a talk falls flat or your child seems disinterested. Just try again later, when the timing feels right.

When difficult topics arise—such as conflicts, disrespect, or emotional struggles—don’t focus on figuring out who is to blame or how the problem arose; people rarely agree on those facts. Besides, the most important thing is that you both agree that you want to resolve the problem and do better next time. Model a solution-focused approach: “How could we handle that better next time?” or “What could we do differently so we both feel heard?” This kind of problem-solving mindset helps children feel safe and empowered, rather than criticized.

Finally, make your expectations clear but welcoming. Let your family know when talk times will happen and what you hope to talk about, but keep the tone relaxed. The goal isn’t to “have the perfect conversation”—it’s to grow in connection, one step at a time.

Pick one talk ritual—maybe tonight’s dinner or tomorrow’s drive home—and start the habit of really talking. Your family doesn’t need to be perfect. They just need you, your love, and your willingness to connect.

If you need help along the way, remember that you can find more support on the CatholicHŌM app, where you’ll find community support and real-time coaching to help your family grow closer every day.

How to Defuse Conflict by Asking the Right Questions

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Conflict is inevitable, but hurtful conflict is not. As Dr. Greg Popcak explains in God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, there are ways to handle conflict effectively—and compassionately.

If you read our last post on this topic, then you probably already know the first step in compassionate conflict resolution. Instead of writing someone off as toxic or irrational, ask, “What are they really trying to do?” That small act of curiosity can be a powerful way to break the cycle of conflict and begin to understand difficult people in your life.

But what if the answer isn’t obvious? What if someone’s behavior is hurtful, irrational, or even aggressive—and you genuinely can’t figure out what they’re hoping to accomplish?

In God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, Dr. Popcak offers two ways of uncovering the hidden, often positive intention behind someone’s obnoxious behavior—tools that can transform frustration into empathy, opening the door to healing.

The Direct Approach: Just Ask

The first approach is pretty simple: if you want to know why someone is acting a certain way, try asking them.

But in practice, most of us don’t ask—we accuse. Think about the last time someone rubbed you the wrong way. Your internal dialogue probably sounded something like:

  •  “Why are you always such a jerk?”
  •  “I can’t believe you said that to me!”
  •  “What is wrong with you?”

These reactions are natural—but not helpful. They shut down the possibility of connection and push the other person into a defensive crouch.

Instead, Dr. Popcak suggests a three-part clarifying question:

  1. Describe the behavior factually. Say what happened without judgment or exaggeration. For example:
     “When you slammed the door…”
  2. Share how it affected you. Let them know what you felt or how you interpreted the behavior:
     “…I felt like you were angry that I asked for your help.”
  3. Give the benefit of the doubt—and ask. This is the turning point:
     “…but I don’t think that’s what you meant to do. Can you tell me what was really going on?”

This kind of question is disarming because it’s respectful and assumes good intent—even when the behavior is hard to take. It’s a firm but gentle way of saying, “This didn’t sit right with me, but I’m willing to believe there’s more to the story.”

The Indirect Approach: Follow the Money

Of course, not everyone can clearly articulate what they’re trying to accomplish. Some people lack the self-awareness to explain their motives. Others—children, teens, emotionally immature adults—may not even recognize them. That’s where the indirect approach comes in.

Dr. Popcak calls it “following the money.” In other words, observe what benefit a person gains from their behavior. If that’s not obvious, look at what happens immediately afterward.

For example:

  • A child throws a tantrum. The goal might not be to get a toy—it could be a bid for attention, closeness, or even space.
  • A teen keeps getting grounded. Maybe that’s their way of avoiding risky social situations while saving face with peers—or a cry for more time with distracted parents.
  • A boss who yells might be trying—ineffectively—to inspire urgency and motivation.

Dr. Popcak shares how one of his clients, Anna, worked for a doctor known for his temper. His shouting stressed out the staff, but Popcak helped Anna recognize that the doctor’s real goal was to get people to respond quickly and correctly. Instead of reacting with fear, Anna calmly said, “Doctor, I’d be happy to help you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d ask me respectfully. ‘Please’ usually works.” To her surprise, he listened—and their relationship began to shift.

By recognizing the intention, Anna was able to respond not to the outburst but to the need behind it—and offer a healthier alternative.

When You See the Intention, You Can Make a Change

Once you’ve identified the underlying motive—whether through a clarifying question or by “following the money”—you’re in a better position to create change. In the book, Popcak introduces the P-E-A-C-E process, which are five steps for transforming toxic interactions into more respectful, healing relationships.

We’ll explore that process more fully in a future post, but the first step is always the same: stop treating the other person like an enemy, and start treating them like a fellow struggler—someone who, like you, is doing their best to get their needs met, even if they’re doing it badly.

Conflict Is a Doorway

It takes courage to stop reacting and start listening. But when we learn to ask better questions and seek deeper understanding, conflict can become a doorway—not to defeat, but to healing.

As Dr. Popcak writes, “The person is never the problem. The problem is the problem.” Learning to see the difference is what love looks like in the real world.

For more practical tools like the P-E-A-C-E process and real-life stories of transformation, pick up a copy of God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! by Dr. Greg Popcak. Or, if you’re looking for personalized support, connect with a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

In the Baby vs. Parent Debate, Catholic Teaching Offers a Balanced Approach

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It’s the baby gift new parents never asked for: unsolicited, often competing, advice about thebest way to raise their little one.

On one side, some people advocate a parent-centered approach. “You can’t take care of baby if you don’t take care of yourself,” these people argue. “Besides, your baby needs to learn she’s not the center of the world!”

On the other side are advocates of a baby-centered approach. “The first three years of your child’s life are the foundation of their future development,” these folks might say. “Now’s the time for parents to go all in.”

Caught in the middle, many new parents rightly feel conflicted, seeing good points on both sides.

But the Catholic tradition offers a good way to balance the needs of babies and their parents, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. This approach, outlined in their book Then Comes Baby: The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Three Years of Parenthood, is centered on the principle of the common good. Rather than seeing parenting as a zero-sum competition, this approach to family life seeks the flourishing of everyone—baby, mom, and dad alike.

Before we get to the common good approach, let’s quickly look at the merits of baby-centered parenting and parent-centered parenting.

The Benefits of Baby-Centered Parenting

In Chapter 2 of their book, the Popcaks summarize the strong scientific support behind many baby-centered practices.

Since the 1990s, research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment theory has consistently affirmed the benefits of responsive, attentive caregiving during infancy. Babies who experience this kind of nurturing develop stronger emotional regulation, more resilient stress responses, and deeper trust in relationships. The practice of responding to an infant’s needs promptly and consistently helps form secure attachments, which in turn support empathy, social development, and mental health throughout life.

These are powerful and well-documented benefits—and they help explain why so many parenting experts emphasize attentiveness to a baby’s cues.

Children raised with less baby-centered approaches may also develop these positive qualities, the Popcaks acknowledge. “But research strongly suggests that children reared by more baby-centered approaches are more likely to have a better-developed capacity for these skills.”

Parents Need to Take Care of Themselves Too

The baby-centered approach has a lot to recommend it. But there’s a caveat. “If parents allow themselves to become burned out by doing baby-centered parenting, it doesn’t work nearly as well,” the Popcaks write.

Burnt-out, exhausted parents don’t connect with their babies very well; they tend to be less animated, and make less eye contact with their children. In fact, this exhaustion-fueled detachment can wipe out the benefits of a baby-centered approach.

Moreover, research shows that “babies do best in homes where Mom and Dad’s relationship is strong and secure,” the Popcaks say, underlining the need for parents to attend to their own relationship, too. This does not mean that “if Mom and Dad are happy, Baby will be happy.” While there is plenty of evidence that poor marital relationships negatively affect children, strong marital relationships don’t cancel out the child’s need for prompt, consistent parental responses to her needs.

In short, a healthy family life requires more than just protecting adult time—it requires an integrated vision that honors every member of the household.

Aiming for the Common Good of the Family

This is where the Catholic social teaching principle of the common good comes into play. This principle suggests that those with the least ability to meet their own needs (like a baby) have a right to have their needs met first. At the same time, it also acknowledges that all people, including parents, have a right to have their own needs met, as long as they do so in a way that respects everyone else

What does this mean in practical terms? The Popcaks suggest that parents follow two principles.

First, “parents should challenge themselves on a regular basis to be as baby-centered as possible while being creative about how to meet their own needs.” The benefits of responding promptly, consistently, and affectionately to a child’s needs are so clear that doing so ought to be a priority. And for Catholics, the practice of this heroic “self-donation” is the way we find not only a happy, joyful life, but also our truest selves.

But balance is key. Parents are embodied human beings, not purely spiritual angels, which means they have very real limits that need to be respected.

“That’s why parents need to constantly seek creative ways to get time for themselves and their marriage,” the Popcaks write. “This takes sensitivity, prayer, communication, and commitment on the part of both parents.”

Nurturing the Routines and Rituals of Healthy Family Life

Exactly how to navigate that balancing act is the subject of the rest of Then Comes Baby, but establishing healthy routines and rituals—a topic the Popcaks frequently emphasize in their work with parents—is key, they say.

By pursuing the common good, Catholic parents can avoid the pitfalls of both extreme approaches and cultivate a family life that reflects generous love for their child and good stewardship of their own well-being and their marriage.

If you’d like to learn more about this topic, check out Then Comes Baby at CatholicCounselors.com. You can also get more personalized parenting advice through the community discussion forums in the CatholicHŌM app.

These Five Steps of Compassionate Problem Resolution Will Change Your Family

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When couples come to the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com for help improving their marriage, one of the most common issues is poor conflict resolution.

Instead of compassionately working together to resolve the problem, says Dr. Greg Popcak, couples “shame each other, they attack each other, they become defensive and hostile. They kind of make the spouse the problem instead of the problem the problem.”

Inevitably, the spouses learned these bad conflict resolution strategies from their parents in their family of origin, he says. The way their parents addressed offenses or unwanted behavior—in other words, the way they disciplined their kids—became the children’s default mode for handling offenses or relationship problems as adults.

The good news is that these bad habits can be changed. Even better news: When parents take the time to intentionally adopt a more compassionate approach to discipline, they give their children a template for problem-solving as adults.

In their practice and their educational ministries, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak teach parents Discipleship Discipline, a faith-based approach rooted in the insights of St. John Bosco. And they teach adults—such as couples seeking marriage counseling—a similar approach called Compassionate Problem Resolution (CPR). Both approaches involve the same basic steps.

“We’re teaching a way to give your children and yourselves the skills to really handle conflict and come to a really good resolution that draws you closer to each other and to God,” says Lisa Popcak.

Here are the five basic steps that can transform your family’s conflicts into opportunities for connection and spiritual growth.

 

Step 1: Identify the Problem Instead of Attacking the Person

Conflict is inevitable in any human relationship; even Jesus and his disciples had to cope with conflict. The key is how you approach that conflict, the Popcaks say.

For most of us, our first response is to blame the other person.

“We have to blame (the problem) on somebody so that somebody can take responsibility and fix it,” Lisa Popcak explains. “And very often it leads to name calling, attacking, running the person down. And all of that doesn’t lead to any kind of solution and really does harm to our relationship.”

Instead of heading down that dead-end road, focus on identifying the real problem. Ask yourself or your conflict partner: “What’s really going on here?”

At the same time, it’s important to curb your (very natural) defensiveness by reminding yourself that your spouse or child isn’t intentionally trying to offend you or make your life miserable; ultimately, they are trying to meet some want or need. True, the way they are going about that might not be great, but acknowledging that the people we love are not acting with real malice toward us prepares the ground for step two.

Step 2: Identify the Positive Intention Behind the Behavior

The second step is to simply ask what your conflict partner was trying to do or accomplish. This is what the Popcaks call the “positive intention” behind your child or spouse’s behavior, which is different from the cause of the behavior.

For example, your spouse might have snapped at you rudely because they were under a lot of stress at work; your young child might be a cranky, whiny, hot mess because she is overtired. But those causes aren’t the same as what they are trying to get or do.

“Don’t overanalyze this,” Dr. Popcak says. It’s as simple as asking: “What were you trying to do? What was this person trying to do by behaving this way? Were they trying to solve a problem? Were they trying to express a feeling? Were they trying to tell me something that they need?”

It is critical to work with your child or spouse to identify their positive intention, Lisa Popcak says. “You’re not going off as mom or dad trying to puzzle this out for yourself and then telling your child what their positive intention was. You’re working with them,” she says. “You can guess at it. You can ask them leading questions to find out, but you’re checking along the way: ‘Is this what you were really doing this for? Is this the intention behind the action that you took?’”

Similarly, in a conflict with your spouse, the goal is to respectfully and compassionately work with him or her to identify what their positive want or need is.

Step 3: Explore More Virtuous Alternatives

Once you’ve identified the problem and understood the intention, it’s time to consider healthier, more virtuous ways to handle similar situations in the future.

“Now we’re saying, all right, the next time something like this comes up, how could we handle it differently? What are some alternatives that we could do to make this work better?” Dr. Popcak says.

Whether you are working with your spouse or your child, the key is to cooperatively brainstorm a better way of handling the situation.

Step 4: Repair and Reaffirm the Relationship

The next step is to “check in” on your relationship to make sure everything is good. In less serious conflicts, this might be as simple as offering a reassuring hug or finding another concrete way to show that you care about the other person.

In more serious situations, it might be necessary to do something to repair the harm that was done during the conflict. This could take the form of a sincere apology, or it could be something more concrete, like a child returning the toy he took from his sister. In any case, this step is all about reinforcing the relationship by showing, in words or actions, that you really care for one another.

Step 5: Reinforce the More Virtuous Way of Handling Things

The final step is to reinforce the more virtuous, loving way of handling needs and problems.

In Discipleship Discipline, the Popcaks advocate a “wraparound technique” in which parents check in with kids at the beginning of the day and the end of the day.

“In the morning when you’re getting up and you have your brief morning prayer time, you just say, ‘Hey, you remember when this situation comes up, we talked about how to handle it this way instead of what we were doing before?’” Dr. Popcak says. Then, you talk through the alternative approach you developed in step three. With kids, you might even role-play the new approach.

“And then, at the end of the day, you check in again,” Dr. Popcak continues. You ask how it went handling similar conflicts throughout the day, and then you problem-solve any challenges the child might have had.

The point of this daily practice is to help build up muscle memory, Lisa Popcak says, so that the next time a similar conflict arises, the more constructive approach can break through the intense emotions flooding the brain.

Spouses can benefit from this daily check-in, too. This might be as simple as asking at the end of the day, “How are you feeling about that thing that we talked about?”

“You’re trying to remind each other about the changes that you want to make,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s a gentle way to create a structure that helps remind each other to do the new thing without nagging each other.”

Better Problem Solving Means Happier Families

Implementing these five steps doesn’t just resolve immediate issues; it lays a lasting foundation for compassionate, effective conflict resolution. These intentional strategies cultivate emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity, equipping family members to navigate conflicts constructively and lovingly throughout life.

And families that learn to handle conflict in this way become beacons of God’s love to the world, too.

“This approach isn’t just for today,” Lisa Popcak says. “It’s about planting seeds for all future relationships: spouses, children, grandchildren, even coworkers.”

If you’d like to learn more about this powerful approach to family conflict and discipline, tune into Episode 77 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, which provided the source material for this article; you’ll find it exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app. And if your marriage or family problems need more in-depth, personal attention, reach out for help from a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.