By: Francine and Byron Pirola

Some kind of regular family prayer ritual is critical to fostering your child’s emerging relationship with God. Some families say a whole Rosary after dinner, some have a routine bed time prayer. Others read scripture stories together or adopt faith activities like those provided in CathFamily.

You hear it consistently in in many vocation stories from priests and religious; a family that prays together gives birth to vocations of all kinds.

If you have young children, establishing a habit of prayer is often easier as they will be less likely to resist the change. The best way to get older children praying is by extending an invitation and going ahead with or without them. It might take a couple of weeks, but if you stick to a routine, they will notice and influenced by it, and may even join you.

Like many family traditions, they require effort, and an active choice. However starting such a habit can be daunting so we’ve put together some simple prayer cards and pooled together the other prayer rituals we have created over the years to help you get started. The downloadable PDF contains a simple prayer that could be said at bedtime or after dinner. It also contains another set of prayers that are specifically for discerning vocations. It can be said on your own or in a family prayer time.

Download Prayer Card Here.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola and CathFamily.

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Sometimes my two year old loves to pray, and sometimes when it is time to pray he says “No thanks.”   Whenever this happens, I just envision episodes of rebellion and negativity towards the faith years down the road.   What’s the best way to handle this situation?

–Sarah

Dear Sarah,

It is good to give children choices about things like the clothes they want to wear or the games they want to play. That can be quite empowering. It is less useful to give children choices about things like whether they should take medicine when they are sick, when they need to take a bath, or when they need to pray. In those times, we simply give the child their medicine, plop them in the tub, or pray. It isn’t a choice–but it doesn’t have to be a power-struggle either. If your 2yo says, “No thanks!” to prayer, that isn’t rebellion. Prayer is a very abstract concept for 2yo’s. He isn’t fighting prayer so much as he’s saying that, right now, he’s more into something else. Instead of reacting negatively, make a big smile, scoop him up in your arms, give him a big kiss and say, “‘No thanks?’ Wow! What a polite young man you are! Let’s thank Jesus for helping you be sooooo polite! ‘Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us such a polite and respectful young man. Help him to grow up to love you with all of his whole heart, just like I love him with my whole heart and you love him with your whole heart. AAAAAmen.”     Resistance overcome. Prayer accomplished. For more suggestions, check out our sections on faith development and toddlers in both Parenting with Grace and Beyond the Birds and the Bees.

 

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

 

I have adult children who have grown lukewarm to the Faith.   I see the pain they are going through as a result, and I am torn that they don’t have the peace that they could have in Christ.   I often feel as if I did something wrong in raising them.   What more can I do for them now?

-“Where Did I Go Wrong”

 

Dear “Where Did I Go Wrong?”

It’s hard to escape life without racking up a few regrets. Even when we do our best, things don’t work out the way we might hope.     When older children fall away from the faith, there are several things we can do, but wasting time feeling guilty isn’t one of them. That just stops us from being the effective witness God wants us to be and our kids need us to be. First, make sure to pray without ceasing. St. Augustine is one of the most well-known saints of the Church, but almost as well-known is his mother St. Monica. It was due to the persistent prayers of this faithful mother, over the course of many years, that eventually won over the heart of her pagan son.  Second, ask yourself how your faith is making you a more joyful, stronger, confident, loving and charitable person. Work on specific ways to keep developing the connection between your faith and those qualities. Let your kids really see the difference your faith is making in your everyday life and relationships. Effective evangelization occurs, not by talking about the importance of faith, but by giving people the opportunity to see the faithful difference in our lives.  Third, be as emotionally close to your kids as circumstances permit. Attachment isn’t just something babies need. All people crave attachment. The closer you are to your kids, the greater part you will ultimately play in their decisions over the long haul. Finally, don’t ever lecture or preach at your kids. Instead, bite your tongue and pray that the Holy Spirit would give you natural opportunities to share your faith in times when it would be well-received instead of just generating another eye-roll. For more suggestions, check out, God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace with Difficult People.

 

By: Emily Stimpson

Once upon a time, in a land we call our own, the Lord’s Day was an occasion for great piety … and even greater gloom.  On Sundays, the people of Connecticut, circa 1781, were forbidden to run, dance, play cards, kiss their children or bake a minced meat pie.  Their neighbors to the north, in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, attended church by order of the state. Wardens patrolled Boston’s streets, ensuring the law was obeyed.  Later, in the pioneer West, the child Laura Ingalls uttered the sentiments of many when she proclaimed: “I hate Sundays.” She recorded that proclamation decades later, in 1934’s “Little House in the Big Woods.”  For her, like for most American children who lived after the Mayflower and before moving pictures, Sunday was a day of shiny shoes, starched shirts, stiff backs and solemn Bible reading. It was a day when no fun was to be had.  Today, a century after Laura Ingalls denounced Sundays, plenty of Sunday fun can be had by children and grown-ups alike — that is, fun can be had for those not racing off to soccer practice, catching up on homework or heading into the office.

Gloom to Glee

Although the Lord’s Day in the 21st century has lost the Sabbatarian gloom heaped upon it by our Puritan forefathers, it’s also lost the Sabbatarian rest written into it by God the Father. For most Americans, it’s become more a day of shopping than solemnity, a day — almost, if not quite — like any other day.  According to Stephen Miller, author of “The Peculiar Life of Sundays” (Harvard, $28), part of the blame (and credit) for that goes to Catholics.  “The United States was 95 percent Protestant until 1850,” he said. “That Protestantism was heavily influenced by the strain of Calvinism that went through England and Scotland, a strain that mandated strict observance of the Sabbath. But as soon as large influxes of Catholics and Lutherans began arriving in the middle of the 19th century, that began to change.”  Those Catholics and Lutherans, Miller continued, favored the merrier Sundays of Continental Europe and didn’t take kindly to Protestant attempts to keep them from gathering in pubs and dance halls after church. Attempts to shut down New York City’s beer gardens on the Lord’s Day actually led to rioting in the city’s streets.  Finally, Miller explained, the Sabbatarians’ battle to keep Sunday holy in the strictest and gloomiest sense of the word was lost for good during World War II. With men overseas and women working in the factories five and half days a week, the only time left for shopping was Sunday. Some shops started keeping Sunday hours at that time, and more and more did so over the next two decades, as dual-income couples found themselves with the same dilemma as Rosy the Riveter.  “Now, Sunday is the second biggest commercial day of the week,” Miller said.

Much Needed Rest

Sunday’s transformation, of course, has its pluses.  “In Protestants’ very strict observance of Sunday, a lot of the joy of the day was lost,” said Kimberly Hahn, author of “Graced and Gifted: Biblical Wisdom for the Homemaker’s Heart” (Servant, $15). “Rather like the Pharisees, some took the idea of the Sabbath rest to the extreme.”  And indeed, the Sabbath rest on the Lord’s Day was never meant to be about gloom and doom. But it wasn’t meant to be about shopping ’til you drop either. The whole idea of a Sabbath rest, explained Hahn, originated in the Old Testament.  “The Sabbath was part of the pattern of creation described in Genesis 1 and 2,” she said. “God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh.”  His resting, however, wasn’t a kicking back and watching the game kind of resting. It was actually a hallowing, a making holy kind of resting. God’s rest made the Sabbath sacred.  In the centuries before Christ, the Sabbath was celebrated by the Jewish people on Saturdays, the seventh day. Early converts from Judaism to Christianity, however, moved their celebration of the Sabbath from the seventh day to the first day, gathering on Sundays, the day of Christ’s resurrection, to pray and celebrate the Eucharist.

Now, as then, she said, Christians need to observe some form of the Sabbath rest on Sundays because, “It’s one of the big 10” — the Ten Commandments, that is.  “We don’t just set aside the prohibition against adultery, and we shouldn’t set aside the Lord’s Day either,” she said.  Hahn also noted that we need the rest on the Lord’s Day because as human beings we are all “Sabbatarian creatures.”  “God didn’t make us to work seven days a week. We need a break. The Sabbath is stamped into our very beings,” she said.

Family Time

But what exactly does it mean to “keep the Sabbath holy”? How, in a globalized economy and a wired world, can Catholics make Sundays a day set apart? And can it be done without all the starched collars and glum faces of old?  “Of course it can,” said Father Edward Connolly, a pastor in the Diocese of Allentown, Pa. “We’re not anti-fun. The Church is in favor of fun.”  Rather than give up their fun on Sundays, Father Connolly advises families to think about the true purpose of the day.  “Sundays remind us that we’re immortal beings — spirits with materials parts. We’re destined for the Great Sabbath — eternal rest in heaven — and Sundays prepare us for that.”  That preparation happens first and foremost through worship. In the Mass, the veil between heaven and earth is pulled back, and men and women are invited to worship with the angels in time as they will one day in eternity.  Accordingly, when it comes to how we spend our Sundays, attending Mass is an absolute must for Catholics. (Missing Sunday Mass without good reason constitutes a serious sin.)  But, if all a family does is attend Mass together then go their separate ways, Father Connolly said they’re missing out on a precious part of what it means to keep the Lord’s Day.  “In heaven, besides getting to see God face-to-face, our greatest joy will be getting to know other people,” he explained. “So, we should spend our Sundays doing that now, investing in human relationships, caring for our fellow human beings.”  Rather than heading to the mall or watching television, Connolly urges families to “invest emotionally and intellectually in one another.”  “Play ball with your children, read to one another, go for a drive, be affectionate, just listen to one another,” he said.

Sabbath Feast

Hahn also stressed the importance of dialing back on outside activities on Sundays, forgoing sports practices and trips to the office, putting away schoolwork and “to-do lists,” and most important, bringing back the tradition of the Sunday feast.  Several years after converting to Catholicism, the Hahns abandoned their 20-year practice of eating cold cuts on paper plates after Church, and started pulling out the china, crystal and silver for an elaborate Sunday dinner.  “The Eucharist isn’t only a family meal, but it still is a family meal,” said Hahn. “There seemed something lackluster about participating in that marvelous feast, then coming home to ham and chips. We wanted what went on in our home to be more a reflection of what we experienced in Church.”  As for how Catholics trying to reclaim a bit of their lost Sabbath rest can ward off any creeping legalism that might leave children (or grown-ups, for that matter) sympathizing with Laura Ingalls’ contempt for Sundays, Hahn passed along a piece of wisdom from her own mother: “Play as much as you pray.”  Added Father Connolly: “If you want to mow the lawn, mow the lawn. If you want to wash the car, wash the car. But whatever you do, make it a family event. Confusing means with ends is where we get into trouble. If there’s laughter and joy and people coming together to relate to one another in healthy ways, almost anything can be a way of keeping the Sabbath holy.”

Even baking minced meat pies.

Credit to Emily Stimpson of  EmilyStimpson.com

By: Gregory Popcak

It’s easy for parents to despair of teaching their kids abstinence.   According to the Alan Guttmacher Institute, 70% of teens will have had vaginal intercourse by the time they are 19 and the average age of teens’ first sexual encounter is 17.  There is some good news for Christian parents, at least.   According to the same study, among sexually inexperienced teens, the most common reason given for avoiding sexual activity before marriage is that it is “against my religion/morals”   with 42% of females and 35% of males indicating that their faith plays a significant role in their decision to remain virgins.   Of course, that’s not great news for parents of the 58% of religious girls and 65% of religious boys who’s faith does not appear to impact their moral decision making–at least as far as romantic relationships go–but one takes the good news one can get.  This last factoid leads to an interesting question, though.   Namely, what is the difference between those young people-of-faith who’s religion does impact their decision to remain virgins and those who’s faith does not appear to influence their decision to engage in premarital sex? I believe I have uncovered some of those differences in my book, Beyond the Birds and the Bees, in which I take a developmental approach to passing on the Christian vision of love and relationships to children from early childhood to young adulthood.   Let’s review some of the basics.

Abstinence vs. Chastity

In my experience, one of the most important differences between religious kids who do and kids who don’t engage in premarital sex is that kids who remain virgins tend to be raised in households that emphasize chastity over mere abstinence.   What’s the difference?  Abstinence basically says, “I don’t care WHAT you do, just keep your pants on.”   From a public health perspective, abstinence is a good message, but from a perspective Christian formation, it is seriously lacking as a means of forming a healthy moral character.   By focusing so heavily on the negative (“Just, don’t do it”) young people can often suffer in two ways.   First, despite any other positive messages one might hear about sex, it’s hard to believe that sex is good or beautiful when one is being told over and over that it can destroy your world if you have it.   This can lead to a fair number of problems in the bedroom when the young person marries and starts to wonder, “But WHY is it ok now that I said ‘I do.’”  Second, simply telling a young person not to have sex doesn’t help them understand what to do instead to avoid near occasions of sin (those situations where temptation is so present that sin becomes almost unavoidable) or even situations that have unexpectedly gotten out of hand.   Just saying “no” doeesn’t give the young person the skills they need to create a healthy, godly relationship from the ground up.   It just says, “Do what you want, just be aware that beyond this point there be dragons!”

Chastity on the other hand takes a more holistic view of sexuality.   As opposed to abstinence, chastity is a positive virtue that enables us to love the right person, at the right time, and in the right way.  Chastity reminds us that loving someone means “working for their good.”   To be chaste, then, means two things; first, that I have learned how to determine what it means to work toward the best interests (and what it means to work against the best interests) of each particular person and second, that I have the skills necessary to do that. Chastity encourages self-donation (the giving of ourselves in service to others) but it also offers prudent advice on what it means to love someone, and to love them rightly.   As far as chastity is concerned, encouraging self-control is less an attempt to keep a criminal (i.e., our sexuality) in jail until its parole date (i.e., marriage) as it is an attempt to teach an artist (i.e, a person created to love and be loved) how to wield the brush to create something beautiful (marriage) without spilling paint all over the place and making a mess of the canvass.  It is this emphasis on the development of virtue as opposed to the mere control of vice that makes chastity a real motivator.   As one remarkable young man who had decided to remain chaste put it, “I’ve had several chances to sleep with girls and I’ve even been pretty seriously tempted sometimes, but   I could never go through with it because I couldn’t bring myself to use her like that or make her feel used–even if it seemed like she wanted to be used.”

Love vs. Use

The young man’s comment leads to a second important lesson faithful kids need to learn if they are going to remain chaste.   Namely, that the opposite of love is not hate.   It is “use.”   If love means “I’m committed to working for your good as a person”  then the opposite of that would have to be, “I’m committed to using you like a thing to meet my desires.”  It’s important for parents to teach their children this definition of love early on and to point out ways that we are tempted to “thing-ify” the people in our family.   Hitting a brother because you want his toy is turning him in to a thing.   Pressuring someone to do something for you that you are capable of doing for yourself is turning another person into a thing.   Lying to someone or using them to get something you want is turning them into a thing.   In other words, anytime we act in a way that makes someone less of a person we “thingify” them–and that isn’t loving. The reason that it is so important to teach and live out this definition of love in the family is that it forms your children’s heart to know what love really requires.   The child who has been raised in an environment that encourages chastity and real love knows on a gut level that it is never ok to treat someone in any way that makes them less of a person.   Especially with regard to romantic relationships, that child will grow up to be a young adult who knows how to love the right person, in the right way, at the right time.

By: Gregory Popcak

 

“Dad, when will I be old enough to date?”

“Not ‘til you’re 40.”

It’s a common enough sit-com exchange, if only it were that easy.   Kids want real answers to their questions about their readiness for dating relationships and parents often feel at a loss for how to guide them.   This is especially true if the parents’ own dating history was unhealthy or  unchaste.  Of course there is a wide variety of opinion among parents about when children can date, or even–for those parents who advocate courtship–whether children should date at all. But regardless of where individual parents’ opinion falls on this topic, there are a few things that parents should keep in mind for evaluating whether you are adequately preparing your young person to have healthy, chaste, adult relationships.

1.   What do they stand for?

In the document, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, the Pontifical Council on the Family (the official group within the Church, instituted in the early 80’s, which desires to respond to the expectations of Christians everywhere regarding the family and all issues that pertain to it) reminds parents that sex and relationship education isn’t just about teaching mechanics, it’s primarily about conveying values and character.   Preparing teens for the world of healthy romantic relationships has to begin with helping teens own their own values and beliefs–the building blocks of identity.     Healthy relationships inspire a young person to be stronger in their values and beliefs, while unhealthy relationships cause a young person to feel awkward or ashamed of their values and beliefs.   The more the youth owns his or her values (as opposed to simply parroting what mom and dad say) has the best chance of evaluating what relationships are good for them and which are not.

There are two things that a parent can do to foster this sense in teens.   First, parents need to make sure that the teen is getting individual prayer time as well as participating actively in any family prayer.   It is impossible for a child to learn how to become a godly adult unless he or she is spending time alone with God allowing his or her heart to be instructed by God.   Secondly, it can be useful to help the teen develop his or her own mission statement that enumerates the core virtues and beliefs by which he or she wants to live.   Then, in helping the teen evaluate choices in general and relationship choices in particular, the parent can ask the teen, “How does that possible choice affect your desire to be a (responsible, faithful, loving, generous, etc) person?”   This gives the young person active training on how to use Christian virtue as a tool for discerning appropriate choices.   Research has shown that young people who have a strong personal prayerlife and a strong internalized value system are much more successful at remaining chaste and having healthy adult relationships.   For more tips on developing your teens spiritual life and sense of mission, my book, Parenting with Grace:   A Catholic Parent Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids is a helpful resource.

2.   Can they be friends?

Whether your child is 15 or 50, your teen is not ready to date if he or she does not know how to first be a friend to a member of the opposite sex.   While boys and girls are different, the idea that young men and women are entirely different species (say, Martians and Venusians) whose ability to get along extends only as far as their potential to make each other weak in the knees is simply false.   The more young men and women are given the opportunity to socialize with each other in platonic groups and form healthy friendships with the opposite sex–with the respectful supervision of faithful adults–the more they realize that their differences can be strengths for partnership, not obstacles to understanding.   If your son or daughter doesn’t know how to be a friend to the member of the opposite sex, he or she isn’t ready to date a member of the opposite sex.   Why?   Because dating is not supposed to be a testament to the fact that two people have the hots for each other.   It’s supposed to be a testament to the fact that a young man and woman have achieved a friendship that is truly unique.

3.   Are they well-rounded?

Beginning in late elementary school and certainly by middle school, your children should have identified certain interests and hobbies that give them joy and in which they are happy to invest regular time and energy. In high school, friendships should revolve primarily around those activities and interests as opposed to just hanging out.   Teens who do not have interests and activities to which they are committed are at significantly higher risk for seeking their identity in destructive, sexual relationships.   Teens who have interests and commitments and goals tend to have too much going for them to want to jeopardize it with foolish relationship choices.  Likewise, teens who have strong interests tend to have more experience balancing school, activities, and friendships which enables them to avoid the trap of getting so absorbed in a budding romance that they shut out everything else.   The more compelling a teen’s life is, the less they will be tempted to seek all their excitement in the arms of some crush.

4. Are they connected to you?

Even if you are doing all of the above, your teen will still need some one-on-one guidance.   Despite what they may tell you and what you might think, teens need you just  as much as they did when they were little.   Make sure you make one-on-one time to work, play, and build relationship with your teen.   Adolescents do terribly with serious “let’s talk” time, but questions, concerns, and reflections are more likely to be shared by a reluctant teen when mom and dad are willing to put in the time and do things with their son or daughter.   Your ability to guide your young adult is directly proportionate to the strength of your relationship with your child.   Build the rapport, and your influence will increase.

For more suggestions to help your child–regardless of his or her age–discover the Catholic vision of love, check out my book, Beyond the Birds and the Bees.   The teen years don’t have to cause you to quake if you have the tools to build a solid foundation for your kid’s future relationships.

By: PaxCare Staff

This article is adapted from the new, revised, and expanded edition of  Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids  by Dr. Gregory Popcak and his wife Lisa Popcak.

 

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

 

-St Paul.  (Romans 7:15)

How do we raise kids who will choose the right thing to do, even when we’re not breathing down their necks?   How do we help our kids avoid–as much as possible–the problem of knowing the right thing to do but still being unable to do it in the moment?  This is one of the greatest challenges facing the faithful parent.   And while there are, of course, no guarantees, the good news is that with new information from both science and the Theology of the Body (the late John Paul II’s vision of the person-which specifically explores how the human body reveals the answers to many of the fundamental questions of life), it is easier than ever for parents to know what they need to do to help their kids make good moral choices even when mom and dad aren’t looking and the pressure is on.

Making Moral Choices:   How Do We Do It?

The Theology of the Body tells us that by prayerfully contemplating God’s design of our body, we can learn some important things about our origin, our destiny, and how we are called to relate to others while we’re here.   The more we cooperate with God’s design of the body, the easier it should be to become what we were created to be.   So, as a starting point in our discussion of raising moral kids, let’s talk about how the brain makes moral decisions. You’ve probably noticed that in order to “do the right thing” under pressure and when no one’s looking, it isn’t enough to have good information about what constitutes right and wrong.   That’s because the brain stores information in the cortex, but it produces the impulse to act under pressure in the limbic system, which is in a whole other neighborhood as far as your neurology is concerned.   Even though the cortex is the library where all our really sophisticated resources are stored, the limbic system gets information from the outside world before any other part of the brain because it’s job is to produce impulses (for instance, the fight, flight, or freeze response) that keep me out of danger.   Many of the things the limbic system might want to do when left to its own devices (e.g., tantrum, punch, ignore the problem, go along with the crowd, act paralyzed and fail to say/do what I should) end up producing morally questionable behaviors at best.  By contrast, the cortex’s job is to review what the limbic system wants to do and either rubber stamp it (“Yup!   Look’s good to me!”) or insist that the limbic system do something else and provide the explicit directions for how to do that alternative thing.

In order to make moral choices when the pressure is on and no one is watching, my limbic system needs to be able to have a rapid “conversation” with my cortex about what’s going on, what my impulses are telling me to do, how to reconcile that against what I believe is the right thing to do, and how to make a plan to follow through.   This all has to happen in less than a split second.   If this rapid communication doesn’t occur between the cortex and limbic system then one of two things happen.   First, the cortex may never get to weigh in on the situation at all.  In that case,  I simply do what my limbic system tells me and I honestly can’t consciously describe why I’m doing it  (Parent: “Why did you do THAT!”   Child:   “I don’t KNOW!…”).     The other possibility is that the cortex gets the information, but relays its alternative response back to the limbic system too late, leading to those situations where we find ourselves doing the wrong thing, but feel powerless to do anything about it except criticize ourselves afterward for screwing things up yet again.   No matter how good my moral training has been, no matter how much information I have stored in my cortex, if my cortex and limbic system aren’t capable of having that rapid fire moral dialog, my ability to do the right thing–especially under pressure and when no one is watching–will be seriously compromised.

Donkey Trails vs. Superhighways

So what makes this moral conversation possible?   Neurons act like roads connecting different regions of the brain.   Some of those “roads” are more like donkey trails and some are superhighways. Obviously, because you need to make moral decisions so rapidly, you want a superhighway connecting the various parts of your moral brain.   That’s where mom and dad come in. Science reveals that the single most important thing parents can do to build the superhighway connecting the different parts of your child’s moral brain is give the child EXTRAVAGANT affection.

Affection Trains the Moral Brain

The Theology of the Body tells us that we were made for love and that even our bodies are wired for love.   Neuroscience is showing us how true that really is.   A study that followed 500 children from birth to mid-life found that the levels of affection these children received by 8mos of age predicted the level of development of what I am calling the ‘moral brain’ in adulthood.   When the children (now 30+ yo adults) were divided up according to the levels of affection they received in infancy/toddlerhood (e.g., neglected, normal, extravagant), only the 7% of children who received extravagant levels of affection (as opposed to 85% who received “normal” and the 6% who received “neglectful” levels of affection) demonstrated the greatest degree of those skills associated with good moral decision making.   Another study involving 100 children found that the kids who received the highest levels of affection at home developed much larger hippocampi, the parts of the brain responsible for emotional control and stress regulation, two other skills that have been directly associated with moral decision making.  The bottom line is that if parents want moral kids, we need to do much more than sheltering kids’ innocence and telling them the difference between right from wrong.   Parents need to prepare their children’s brains for the work of moral decision making by rooting them in extravagant physical affection and generous displays of parental love.

Did you find this information interesting? Want to learn more about Theology of the Body and how to raise children who will grow to be the best version of themselves with your help? Be sure to pick up a copy of  Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids  for yourself. You’ll be happy you did!

Dr. Gregory Popcak

The following has been excerpted from the new, revised and expanded edition of Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.

As Catholic parents, talking to our kids about sexuality is a tough job, but it’s our privilege to do it.  In both The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality and in Pope John Paul   II’s writings on family life, it’s pretty clear that the very point of parenting is forming our children’s capacity for love.   Of course, a huge part of that formation has to include teaching our children how to express the donative meaning of the body (i.e., that our body was given to us by God to work for the good of others) and live the gift of embodied love which, in marriage, includes sex.  

The Catholic Vision of Love: Not Second Best

The most important thing to keep in mind when thinking and talking about Catholic sexuality is that it offers a very different–and ultimately superior–vision to every other approach to sexuality on the planet. When we are preparing to talk to our children about sex, it is not enough to try to explain why Christians think differently about sexuality. Such approaches end up inadvertently sounding as if the secular approaches to sex are infinitely more rewarding, except that Christians are more “disciplined” about their sexuality. Rather, the Christian view is that the secular approach doesn’t even express true sexuality, which is often merely self-serving sensuality masquerading as “sexuality.”

Catholic Sexuality:   The One. The Original. The Real Thing.

The true Christian version of sexuality is what God intended when He gave us our sexuality in the first place. It is infinitely more real, more beautiful, and more satisfying than the shabby imitations the world attempts to foist on us.  Let’s take a closer look at this point. Imagine that you wanted to put some flowers outside your house. You have two options available: artificial (plastic or even silk) or real flowers.  At first thought, you might be leaning toward the plastic variety because of all the benefits artificial flowers give. You would get instant gratification by being able to see what your garden will look like. You wouldn’t have to water or fertilize, animals wouldn’t eat your flora, and you would never have to trim or transplant them.

While artificial flowers might look good at first–from a distance–they look pretty tacky on closer examination, especially sticking up out of the dirt, where they look downright ridiculous. Furthermore, artificial plants get dirty when it rains and will fade in the sun, and they don’t grow back when you accidentally hack them up with the weed-whacker. Last but not least, even the most expertly made artificial flowers don’t smell like anything.  So you begin to consider the second option: real flowers. Yes, there is more work involved. You have to water and fertilize, keep out rodents, and trim and occasionally transplant. But these flowers do not fade with time; in fact, they become more beautiful.   Sure, older blooms may wilt, but with some simple maintenance, new buds are constantly sprouting. Even over time, real flowers bear up under close scrutiny. Unlike the tacky plastic flowers, real flowers actually become more delightful when you look at them carefully. They are constantly changing, growing, and becoming more alluring, continually bursting forth with new life and new color. Likewise, few things are more wonderful than smelling the delicious fragrance of lavender, roses, freesia, lemon grass, and hundreds of other kinds of real flowers.

How Does YOUR Garden Grow?

In the same way, what passes for “sexuality” in our culture is merely a shabby, tacky imitation of what sex really is. They don’t have the real thing; we do. Honestly, most of secular society can’t handle the truth, so they try to come up with a cheap, “plastic-covered” approximation of what sex is supposed to be. Then they offer it to the rest of the world as the best kind of sexuality, just like the fake flowers in our analogy.  On closer examination, though, this view of sex doesn’t hold up. It isn’t vital, because it is openly hostile to new life. Rather than flowing from a deep spiritual friendship between two people, it seeks to replace and subvert that friendship. It doesn’t improve with time (in fact, it fades), because no real intimacy can exist in the absence of a spiritual friendship. Without intimacy, lovemaking of any kind becomes, over time, boring and less interesting.   It doesn’t stand up to conflict and stress (the weed-whacker in the analogy) because, in the secular version of sexuality, there isn’t supposed to be conflict and stress, only blissful ecstasy. At the first signs of trouble, then, the passion dies, and the couple breaks apart.

What Catholic Sexuality Offers

• It offers spouses the chance to love and be loved (rather than use and be used) in the way we yearn for the most.
• It offers a couple the freedom to be playful and joyful in a way that is never demeaning or degrading.
• It allows a married couple to experience their lovemaking both as a physical sign of the passion God has for the couple and as a foreshadowing of the divine ecstasy that awaits us in heaven.
• It allows a couple to communicate their whole physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational selves to one another every time they make love.
• It invites the couple to renew their wedding vows with the “language of their bodies”–and celebrate their sacrament–every time they make love.
• It offers protection from disease and heartbreak.
• It encourages the couple to celebrate a love so powerful, so profound, that, in many cases, that (to quote Scott Hahn) “love has to be given its own name in nine months.”
• It encourages a couple prayerfully to consider God’s plan for their lives every month, asking whether God is calling them to expand their “community of love” by being open to adding another life to the family.
• It challenges a couple’s capacity for vulnerability and helps them overcome the basic shame that all humanity experienced after the Fall. It plays a part in preparing them to stand, completely exposed, before our Divine Lover when they arrive for the eternal wedding feast with God–heaven.

In short, the comparison between Catholic sexuality and the eroticism served up by secular society is like comparing real flowers to fake ones. There is no comparison. The reality is that the kind of sexuality espoused by the Church and especially illustrated in the Theology of the Body beats every secular alternative. It represents the fullness of sexuality as created by God, and as such it is absolutely good. It is far better than anything the world has to offer.  I understand how parents might feel tentative, nervous, or a little intimidated at that thought of discussing sex with their kids, but there is one thing no Catholic parent ever has to feel and that is ashamed.   The Catholic vision of love is the real thing.   Love your kids enough to give them the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth.

If you enjoyed what you read here, we highly recommend you pick up a copy of  Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids  for yourself. If you find yourself struggling or questioning anything you read here, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the answers you are seeking as well as the skills you need to succeed.