But I don’t want to spoil them!–How to Have a Healthy and Positive Relationship With Your Child

Posted on by

“I want to have a good relationship with my kids but I don’t want to spoil them!”

Does this statement feel familiar?

Attachment does not mean that you have to give your children everything they want, when they want it, and how they want it. It means listening to them, taking the time to understand why they want the things they want, and—if you can’t let them—brainstorming more godly and efficient ways that you could help them meet at least some of those needs in the here and now.

Alternatively, if you have to say no, as parents often must, it is always for a good and objective reason (for instance, your child’s safety or well-being) and not just because you don’t feel like it or because you reactively tend to say no to things out of stress and irritability.

In infancy and toddlerhood, fostering healthy attachment means responding promptly, generously, and consistently to cries. It means trusting the schedule God has built into your child for sleeping, feeding, and comforting and not making your child “cry it out” at night, or cry for long periods as a matter of habit during the day. Crying is never good for a child. It always means he needs help in regulating some system in his body (Sunderland, 2008). God gives parents the responsibility to attend to those cries promptly, just as he tells us He does in Psalm 34:4. “I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.”

As your child matures through childhood and adolescence, his needs become more complicated to meet. Parents should, as much as possible, use the “qualified-yes” technique in responding to these needs unless the request is for something that is truly contrary to the child’s well-being. For instance, if a child asked for something the parent couldn’t afford, the qualified-yes technique would have the parent say, “I can afford to contribute only X toward that, but let’s talk about ways you might be able to earn the difference if it is that important to you. Otherwise, this is what I can do. What do you think?” This would be as opposed to saying, for instance, “You want me to spend $250 on a pair of sneakers? Are you crazy?”

With the qualified-yes technique, the child learns that the parent is always someone to whom he can turn to get help in meeting his needs or making a plan by which those needs could be met. Because of this, even when the parent can’t supply what the child wants or needs, the child still feels attached because he has been heard and helped to come up with a plan. And, if the child decides that having that thing really isn’t worth the effort after all, it is he who makes that decision, and not the parent who makes himself an obstacle to achieving that need or want.

For more on how to use the qualified-yes technique as a way of fostering attachment through childhood and adolescence, check out our books Parenting Your Kids With Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens With Grace!

 

Quick Links and Resources:

Parenting Your Kids With Grace

Parenting Your Teens and Tweens With Grace

Discovering God Together

The Ministry of Parenthood

Posted on by

The world makes it tempting to be busy with many things–even various ministries–but The Theology of The Body reminds us that the most basic and fundamental ministry of every Christian person is parenthood. Whether or not we have children, every person was created to nurture others, to use our gifts to help others, and to support each other in becoming everything were created to be. That is what it is to “parent.” 

We’re made in God’s image and likeness and becoming like our Heavenly Father means, first and foremost, mastering the love that stands at the heart of parenthood. Every Christian is first called to be a spiritual parent, using our gifts to bless and build up others. Beyond this, some Christians are called to be biological or adoptive parents too. In either case, parenting isn’t just one ministry among many. According to the Theology of the Body, parenthood is the fundamental ministry from which all other ministry efforts flow.

If we aren’t embracing the fundamental call to motherhood and fatherhood (both spiritual and actual) and constantly striving and praying for God’s grace to be the best mothers and fathers we can be first and foremost, we’ll never have a healthy understanding of masculinity and femininity, relationships in general, God, the Church, or what it means to be a Christian disciple. Doing the work required to be an excellent parent–whether spiritual or actual–is the primary way God helps us heal the wounds that make it hard for us to love others the way He loves us. 

Parenting is hard, but not because kids are tough, or people are hard to deal with. It’s hard because healing is hard. The harder we find parenting the more God is calling us to heal, and the more God is promising to pour his healing grace into our hearts so that we can finally experience all the nurturing love he wants to give us and share that love with everyone who depends on us in any way.

  1. Focus On Skill Building—The primary focus of parenting is healing and skill building—learning and teaching the skills we need to be the people God created us to be. When interacting with others, correcting behavior, or making a change, focus on working with the other person to develop the skills necessary to address the problem at hand. What skills or virtues does that other person (or both of you together) need to increase to address the needs or challenges you’re facing? Focus on building the skills rather than simply correcting or criticizing. 
  1. Make God Your Co-Parent—Remember, we are all God’s children first and foremost, therefore, none of us have all the answers. But God does. In good times and in bad, take a moment and ask God, “Lord, how do you want me to respond to this person in this moment? Help me to love them as you love them.” We are not alone, it is important that we turn to our Heavenly Parent in all things. 
  1. Fill The Tank—Parenting is meant to lead us into closer relationship with others and with God. It’s often our reaction to jump right to correction or assumptions about another person’s behavior. It is important as a parent to put relationship first. To connect before we correct. And to ensure that all of our actions put relationship before rules. 

 

For more on seeking the ministry of parenthood, check out:

Parenting Your Kids With Grace

Parenting Your Teens and Tweens With Grace

The Corporal Works of Mommy

BeDADitudes–8 Ways To Be An Awesome Dad

Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adults Sons & Daughters

Remodeling Your Home-Life This Advent

Posted on by

Advent is a time for preparation, and with preparation, the need for change is inevitable. Sometimes these changes are bigger, sometimes these changes are smaller, but all of the changes help us to become more of the people—more of the family—that God created us to be. 

Because of this, Advent is a great time to check in with our family and home lives to evaluate how we’re doing, and what we might need to do to grow closer to each other and to God. 

Here are a few simple ways to do just that: 

Check in with the Architect--It’s important, everyday, to sit down with your spouse and kids and ask God, the architect of your domestic church, what He wants you to be focusing on as a family.  When you first wake up, before you do anything else, get everyone together briefly to pray a morning offering for your household. Say something like, “Lord, we give you our family.  Help us both to be the people you want us to be for each other. Help us to look for little ways to love each other better, to serve each other better, and to understand each other better, so that we can fill each other’s hearts with your love and be better witnesses to your love in the world. AMEN” Use your own words, but keep it simple and personal. Having the home-life God wants you to have begins with asking him–everyday–what little “home improvement projects” he would like you to take on today. God has a plan for your family. Discover that plan by meeting with God each morning to ask him how you can cooperate with it.

Keep Up with the Little Projects–Some people say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But that often translates into “Stuff everything down until I can’t take it anymore and eventually blow up.”  It’s a good idea to not make proverbial mountains out of molehills, but refusing to sweat the small stuff doesn’t mean “don’t talk about anything.” Happy, godly households are created by kindly and patiently addressing all the little missteps, miscommunications, and missed opportunities while they’re still little! How can you do that effectively? Don’t fight. Don’t criticize. Just say, “Hey, when you did thus and such, it was a little frustrating. How do you think we could handle that better?” You can use this pattern for anything. Briefly describe the problem and how it made you feel, ask for their ideas on how to handle it better, then move on. Keeping up with the little projects allows you to do a little home improvement every day instead of waiting to start construction until the ceiling caves in.

Small Things Make a Big Difference–The healthiest, and happiest families make a point of consciously looking for little ways to make each other’s day easier or more pleasant. They are actively on the lookout for that chore they can help with or that thoughtful thing they can do that would lighten other family member’s load. But this doesn’t happen naturally. Everyday, model this by asking your kids what they might need from you to have a more pleasant day, but don’t stop there! Teach your children to ask you what they can do for you. At dinnertime, make a point of regularly asking, “What did someone in the family do for you that you especially appreciated today?” Then invite the kids to talk about the little things they might be struggling with at school or home and discuss how you can pull together as a team to support each other through these challenges. Take Pope Francis’ advice to families to heart and make a habit of being intentional about cultivating the kindness and caretaking that will make your house a truly grace-filled home.

Looking for more ways to remodel your home-life? Visit us online at CatholicCounselors.com or join our discussion on Facebook at Catholic HOM—Family Discipleship! 

Three Steps to Peaceful Parenting

Posted on by

 

Parenting can be beautiful and stressful, fun and difficult. We often wish that our kids came with an instruction manual so that we could take out some of the guesswork. The good news is that God actually has given us a guidebook, we just need to know where to look.

Theology of the Body (TOB) reminds us that families are schools of love and virtue where we all learn to live life as a gift, and that parents are the most important teachers in this school of love.  Catholic parents are empowered through God’s grace in the sacrament of marriage to do more than just “get through the day” with our kids. The world needs loving, responsible, godly people and God asks his faithful couples to give the word what it needs. The more we can approach parenting in a thoughtful, intentional, graceful manner, the more we are able to fulfill our mission as Catholics–to let God change the world through our families by raising the next generation of faithful, courageous, loving, responsible, and godly men and women.  It’s a tough job, but God gives us the grace to do it.

Here are three ways that God calls us to live as teachers in the school of love:

1. Remember To Lead–When you’re correcting your kids, only 5% of your energy should be focused on what they did wrong.  The other 95% should be focused on leading your children to a better place. Before you correct your kids, ask yourself, “What does my child need to handle this situation better next time?”  Put your energy into teaching those skills.  Punishments don’t work.  Teaching does.  Using techniques like do-overs, role-playing, time-in, cool-downs, and other loving guidance approaches to discipline focus on giving your kids the skills they need to succeed next time–instead of shaming them for failing this time.  Lead your children to virtue by showing them a better way to express their emotions,  communicate their needs, accomplish their goals, get along with others, and manage their stress.  The more energy you put into teaching instead of punishing, the quicker your kids’ behavior will improve overall and the less stressed you’ll be!

2.  Celebrate Success–Tell your kids when they handle a situation well by acknowledging the virtue they displayed.  You don’t have to throw a parade–in fact, it’s much better if you don’t–but simple comments like, “That was really responsible.”, “You handled that really respectfully.”,  “That was very generous.” “That was a very loving choice.”  and similar comments help kids understand that virtues aren’t just a list of words to memorize, but a practical guide for handling life’s ups and downs with grace.  Believe it or not, kids want to be good, and they desperately crave your approval.  By remarking on all the ways that exhibiting virtues help them manage their emotions, express their needs, negotiate stressful situations, and get along with others, you are showing your kids that they already have what it takes to do the right thing AND you’re making them want to get even better at it. Celebrate your kids’ successful efforts to display virtue by letting them know you saw what they did and that you are proud of them for doing it.

3. Fill the Tank–There is a fuel that drives good behavior.  Don’t forget to fill the tank. Both research and generations of wise parents will tell you that extravagant affection is the fuel that makes kids want to behave and try harder to please you.  Research shows that affection is actually communication.  Taking time to hold your kids close all throughout the day actually helps them reset  their heart rate, respiration, body temperature, and other bodily rhythms when they are feeling stressed, frustrated, angry, anxious, or overwhelmed.  Affectionate parents literally incline their children’s hearts to them, and make their kids naturally turn to their parents for guidance and comfort. Yes, you will still need to teach your kids what to do but affection is the fuel that makes correction work.

For more resources on becoming a more peaceful parent, check out Parenting With Grace—The Catholic Guide to Raising (Almost) Perfect Kids, and visit us online at CatholicCounselors.com!

Preparing for Lent In A Catholic HOM (Household On Mission)

Posted on by

As we prepare for Lent, we often rely on old habits or patterns. We give up the same thing for Lent or we engage in the same practices each year. Our rituals can become a little too habitual. Sometimes, it’s good to shake things up a bit, especially with regard to how we celebrate lent as a CatholicHOM (Household On Mission).

Specifically, the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life can help connect with the grace of lent to help each family member become a fully formed person—a whole and healthy child of God.

In Pastores Dabo Vobis, (I Will Give You Shepherds) St John Paul described four essential areas requiring special attention in the formation of priests (human, spiritual, intellectual, and pastoral) but his recommendations don’t just apply to seminaries.  They apply to our homes too! Christian households are meant to help each of us live out the common priesthood we inherit through baptism. Lent gives all of us “common priests” a special opportunity to use the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, to discover new ways to consecrate the world to Christ by living out Christ’s sacrificial love in all we do.

So how do we use John Paul II’s guidance for priestly formation in our family?

Human Formation – Human formation refers to the lessons we need to learn to be the kind of healthy, holy people whose lives lead others to Christ. Christian families encourage good human formation by mindfully and intentionally practicing specific virtues, working to be more empathic with each other, being good listeners and respectful communicators, being generously affection and affirming, and cultivating the kind of relationships that lead them into deeper communion with each other and  God.  This Lent how will you and your family focus on human formation?

One simple way your family can practice living Christ’s sacrificial love at home is by using the Family Team Exercise – Each morning ask, “What do we need to do to make each other feel taken care of between now and lunch?” At lunch, ask, “What do we need to do to make each other feel taken care of between now and dinner?” Then, at dinner, ask, “What do we need to do to make each other feel taken care of between now and bedtime?” This exercise is a simple way to live out the third practice in the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life’s Rite of Christian Relationship: Offering prompt, generous, consistent and cheerful attention to each other’s needs. It challenges you all to be more thoughtful and generous than you otherwise might be, and shows how generous service leads to a happier, healthier home.

Spiritual Formation – Spiritual formation is all about learning to have a close relationship with God and be a faithful disciple. One of the practices we recommend in the Rite of Family Rituals is a strong family prayer life. By having strong family prayer rituals, families invite  God to be the most important member of their household.

As a family, keep God close all day long through both formal and informal family prayer times. For instance, in addition to regular morning, meal-time, and bedtime prayers, you could pray over our child before a test, game, or important event. You could thank God out loud for the little blessings you experience.  You could ask God’s help before cooking a meal, or helping a child with homework, or having an important conversation with your spouse or child. Likewise, assuming your child is used to receiving blessing from you, don’t forget to ask your child to pray over you when you’re having a tough day. Give your kids the chance to exercise their muscles as budding spiritual warriors!

Using this lent to cultivate stronger family prayer rituals will help you do more to encourage the spiritual formation of the common priests in your household.

Intellectual Formation – Intellectual formation refers to the habits we develop that enable us to  know God better so that we can love him better. In the Rite of Family Rituals, we recommend regular family talk time as one important ritual that can help us achieve this goal at home. By carving out a little time during the day to have meaningful conversations about how our faith and life connect, how God is showing up for us, or how we think he is asking us to respond to the challenges we face, we can foster our family’s ability to grow in our knowledge of God and both the understanding and application of our faith.

Other good Talk Rituals include family reading time, where we can read stories from the bible, or the lives of the saints, or just good books that give us a chance to discuss our values and share how we can live them. Lent is a great time to make time to talk about why we have Stations of the Cross, or what the parts of our celebration of Holy Week mean and how all of our Lenten practices can help us draw closer to God and each other.

Pastoral/Apostolic Formation – Pastoral formation refers to our ability to cultivate compassionate hearts of service to others. The third rite in Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, the Rite of Reaching Out, helps us do this by encouraging us to look for more ways families can serve each other—both at home and in the world. The Rite of Reaching Out is all about reminding us of the importance of leaving people better off than we found them.

This Lent, think about ways your family can do more to serve each other and your community. How can you be more generous to each other at home?  How can you and your family reach out to others in your life and be a witness of God’s love? Perhaps your family could work together to create small care packages for with cards, baked goods, or little gifts and share them with your neighbors/friends. Maybe make one care package each week in Lent for a different friend, relative, or neighbor.

However you choose to develop your relationship with God this Lent, it may be helpful to reflect on these four pillars and how they apply to your family. What areas are your strengths? What areas could use growth? What is one tangible practice you and your family could partake in this Lent to strengthen your Catholic HOM?

Join the discussion on Facebook at Catholic HOM—Family Discipleship

Experiencing Advent in a Catholic HŌM

Posted on by

The Advent season is a beautiful time, full of anticipation and hope as we wait for the Christmas season and all that comes with it—the fun, the food, the family time, the presents, and the traditions. While it can be hard to wait, all this anticipation is meant to point toward our need to learn patience as we wait for the Glory of God, the Hope of Nations, to enter our lives more fully on Christmas Day.

So how do we communicate the spiritual benefits of waiting through this season to our kids?

Being patient is something that is often hard for adults, never mind kids, but the Rite of Christian Relationship can help us take advantage of this Advent season to develop and strengthen the virtue of patients.

Make Waiting a Positive Experience—Children (especially young children) struggle with the concept of time in general, which makes waiting even more difficult. When parents set a time frame on something, (such as getting a snack, when we’ll arrive at our destination, or when we get to play a game) our kids often ask (maybe a million times), “Is it time yet?”  Take this as an opportunity to make being patient a positive experience. When your child asks you over and over if it’s time, stay kind, loving, calm, and affirming in your response. Say things like, “I know you’re excited to have your snack (or play your game), you’ll be able to have it in X minutes. Can you tell me about what you’re most excited for (about your snack or game)?” This type of response is affirming and engaging. It helps the child process their own excitement and allows them to focus on preparing to receive their gift. Remember that your child is not being selfish or rude in asking you over and over how much time is left, they don’t yet have the ability to conceptualize time. Use your relationship with your child to teach them that patience is a good thing and model to them how to effectively practice the virtue of patience by being patient with them in your responses.

Fulfill Your Promises—Just as God fulfills His promises to us, it’s important we (do our best) to fulfill our promises to our children. If we tell our child a timeframe and fulfill our promise to them—such as, “You can have a snack in 10 minutes” then set a timer and give our child a snack in 10 minutes—we’re able to help them develop a better sense of time, and also develop a real sense of trust in their relationship with us. It’s easy to tell our child a time frame for something, then hope they forget about said thing in that amount of time. But using this “out” causes our child to learn that “10 minutes” maybe means hours or days—which hurts both their understanding of time, and their trust in us/their ability to rely on us.

Create a Visual—creating a visual representation of time passing is a great way to help our kids learn to be patient (and even enjoy the wait)! Of course, Advent calendars are a fantastic way to help our kids understand each day in the Advent season. However, we can do things like this even on a smaller, daily basis. If we need our child to wait for a few minutes, set a timer that they can see. If they ask you how much time is left, ask them to tell you what the timer says so that they can be engaged in the waiting. If you’re on a car trip, draw a map and every hour move a sticker closer to the destination. Make a schedule for the day and allow your child to color in the boxes that depict the hours as they pass or the tasks as they are completed. Creating a visual for time helps our kids to better understand the passing of time and learn to be patient.

Waiting is hard, but it doesn’t have to be bad. As we see in this Advent season—this time of patience and preparation—there is real beauty in waiting and it makes the reward that much better.

If you want more ideas for experiencing Advent in your Catholic HŌM, join the conversation on Facebook at Catholic HŌM—Family Discipleship!

Parenting Wisdom in Shorthand

Posted on by

By: Judith Costello

father and child beach

A posted meme says: “‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’–NOT TRUE! Words hurt, scar and leave deep wounds all the way down to the soul.”   On the surface this meme sounds right. And it has been shared almost 200,000 times!

But when I saw it, a red flag started waving. My reaction was, “Don’t invalidate the parenting wisdom that is ages old.”

An incident came immediately to mind. My son was in first grade. He had been riding the bus to school for a few days when he came home with tears in his eyes. Another boy had been taunting him. The boy’s words were hurtful and mean. And yes, it made my son feel “wounded.” So how is a parent to react?

My husband and I took him in hand and talked for quite awhile sitting on the side of his bed. After about 30 minutes he was calm; within an hour he was laughing about it. The next day he walked past that boy, looked him in the eye and smiled.

And do you know what our first words were? You guessed it—“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

We explained what that saying means of course. It doesn’t mean that words are never hurtful. It means–we can choose how we react! We can choose what we allow to settle into our hearts.

There are four important lessons here: 1) Bullies will always be with us. 2) Bullies are sad people. Their words come out of their troubles, their desire to control others and their ignorance. 3) It’s important to stay strong in yourself and let the mean words wash away like water going down the drain.   4) St. Paul said, “We do not wage war with human resources” (2Cor. 10). We must pray and stay focused on God’s words of love and mercy.

The message of this maxim is Biblical. We are called to help our children learn ways to cope with mean-spirited people.  If we don’t teach them  that they have resources for dealing with hurtful words, then our children will feel their identity is determined by mean people. And they will think that the government, or someone outside themselves, has to punish others to make things right.

So my response to the meme is two-fold:

1) There is history and wisdom in maxims like “sticks and stones…” That particular expression can be attributed to around 1862, published in a Christian magazine, but is probably much older. And the point of the “sticks and stones” saying is to teach children they can rise above whatever meanness they experience. Jesus said we will be persecuted and reviled, and we can actually celebrate it! We can unite our hurts or troubles with the suffering of Jesus and offer it up for our prayer intentions!

The tools of our battle against the meanness and lies of the world are  in our faith. St. Paul dealt with his detractors by saying this…”they only demonstrate their ignorance”…”we arm ourselves with the shield of faith.” 2 Cor. 10:12 and Eph. 6:16.

2) The first part of the meme has to do with  how we respond  to the meanness of others. That is what I have been addressing here. The second part of the meme has to do with  what we say to  others. That too is covered by an old bit of parenting wisdom: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Again this is a maxim…a shorthand way of saying important things. Jesus frequently talked about how we should avoid gossip and speak with charity. We should consider every word before we speak.

Words can definitely be used as weapons and that too is in the Bible. Our goal as Christians is to use words to be a light in the darkness, rather than  as knives that cut.

So as far as this meme goes, here’s another maxim….”Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” It’s great to come up with new ways to say that “words hurt, so watch what you say.” But don’t throw out the teachings of our ancestors in order to say that.

Credit to Judith Costello of CatholicExchange.

 

Family Prayer

Posted on by

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

family prayer

Some kind of regular family prayer ritual is critical to fostering your child’s emerging relationship with God. Some families say a whole Rosary after dinner, some have a routine bed time prayer. Others read scripture stories together or adopt faith activities like those provided in CathFamily.

You hear it consistently in in many vocation stories from priests and religious; a family that prays together gives birth to vocations of all kinds.

If you have young children, establishing a habit of prayer is often easier as they will be less likely to resist the change. The best way to get older children praying is by extending an invitation and going ahead with or without them. It might take a couple of weeks, but if you stick to a routine, they will notice and influenced by it, and may even join you.

Like many family traditions, they require effort, and an active choice. However starting such a habit can be daunting so we’ve put together some simple prayer cards and pooled together the other prayer rituals we have created over the years to help you get started. The downloadable PDF contains a simple prayer that could be said at bedtime or after dinner. It also contains another set of prayers that are specifically for discerning vocations. It can be said on your own or in a family prayer time.

Download Prayer Card Here.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola and CathFamily.

"But I don't Want To!"-A Mini-Article on Praying with Your Children

Posted on by

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

child praying

Sometimes my two year old loves to pray, and sometimes when it is time to pray he says “No thanks.”   Whenever this happens, I just envision episodes of rebellion and negativity towards the faith years down the road.   What’s the best way to handle this situation?

–Sarah



Dear Sarah,

It is good to give children choices about things like the clothes they want to wear or the games they want to play. That can be quite empowering. It is less useful to give children choices about things like whether they should take medicine when they are sick, when they need to take a bath, or when they need to pray. In those times, we simply give the child their medicine, plop them in the tub, or pray. It isn’t a choice–but it doesn’t have to be a power-struggle either. If your 2yo says, “No thanks!” to prayer, that isn’t rebellion. Prayer is a very abstract concept for 2yo’s. He isn’t fighting prayer so much as he’s saying that, right now, he’s more into something else. Instead of reacting negatively, make a big smile, scoop him up in your arms, give him a big kiss and say, “‘No thanks?’ Wow! What a polite young man you are! Let’s thank Jesus for helping you be sooooo polite! ‘Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us such a polite and respectful young man. Help him to grow up to love you with all of his whole heart, just like I love him with my whole heart and you love him with your whole heart. AAAAAmen.”     Resistance overcome. Prayer accomplished. For more suggestions, check out our sections on faith development and toddlers in both Parenting with Grace and Beyond the Birds and the Bees.

 

"Where Did I Go Wrong?"-A Mini-Article on When Children Leave Their Faith

Posted on by

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

 

woman praying

I have adult children who have grown lukewarm to the Faith.   I see the pain they are going through as a result, and I am torn that they don’t have the peace that they could have in Christ.   I often feel as if I did something wrong in raising them.   What more can I do for them now?

-“Where Did I Go Wrong”

 

Dear “Where Did I Go Wrong?”

It’s hard to escape life without racking up a few regrets. Even when we do our best, things don’t work out the way we might hope.     When older children fall away from the faith, there are several things we can do, but wasting time feeling guilty isn’t one of them. That just stops us from being the effective witness God wants us to be and our kids need us to be. First, make sure to pray without ceasing. St. Augustine is one of the most well-known saints of the Church, but almost as well-known is his mother St. Monica. It was due to the persistent prayers of this faithful mother, over the course of many years, that eventually won over the heart of her pagan son.  Second, ask yourself how your faith is making you a more joyful, stronger, confident, loving and charitable person. Work on specific ways to keep developing the connection between your faith and those qualities. Let your kids really see the difference your faith is making in your everyday life and relationships. Effective evangelization occurs, not by talking about the importance of faith, but by giving people the opportunity to see the faithful difference in our lives.  Third, be as emotionally close to your kids as circumstances permit. Attachment isn’t just something babies need. All people crave attachment. The closer you are to your kids, the greater part you will ultimately play in their decisions over the long haul. Finally, don’t ever lecture or preach at your kids. Instead, bite your tongue and pray that the Holy Spirit would give you natural opportunities to share your faith in times when it would be well-received instead of just generating another eye-roll. For more suggestions, check out, God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace with Difficult People.